Christine

You and Derrick  have not made any exclusive commitment with each other. Understand that. You guys are very good friends and that is all. You’re moving on with your life to be with someone who can commit. You can still love Derek but only as a very close friend. You don’t have to reveal all to him about Mitch. You can be honest about moving on to be in a more boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.   There is no reason to tell him that you slept with him. I believe that if a relationship does not work out then that is meant to be. If there he decides to part company then he’s not meant to be a friend.

What do you think about what I said?

Mark

Hi Christine,

You are adapting to lots of sudden changes including having to be away from some of your college friends.  Derrick is one of those college friends.  He’s made it clear to you that he is not ready for commitment.  He’s not going to change his mind overnight.  It’s understandable that you miss him as you’ve felt so close to him but your relationship is one of friendship.  You have not been unfaithful.

If you want to keep Derrick as a friend and you fear losing him if you ‘confess all’, then don’t tell him.  In the heat of the moment, you’ve sent him a text and he hasn’t replied.  The ball is in his court – maybe leaving college will have brought this relationship to it’s natural conclusion and maybe you need to move on from this.

Your real problem here is your own conscience.  You are riddled with self-imposed guilt and the only way you are going to rid yourself of this guilt is to confess.  You’ve now confessed your “guilt” to us and I am now giving you permission to forgive yourself.

You probably need to deal with your anxiety levels generally unless you are just off-balance because of all the changes.  There is little point in worrying about what might happen in the future.  If you tell him you will lose him and then you will have to move on.  You’ve sent him a text and now you are worried, feel bad that he might be worried.  There is little point in worrying full stop.  Do whatever it takes to stop yourself from worrying.  Whenever you find yourself doing it, just say “STOP” and switch your focus to something else.

Practise Mindfulness as well as Meditation.  Live in the “NOW”.

I hope this helps.

Peggy

Christine,

I want you to keep in mind that you and Derrick are not in a relationship. You may love him, and that’s okay, but don’t talk yourself into being faithful to someone you don’t owe loyalty to in that way. The feeling does not seem mutual. If he isn’t ready to be in a committed relationship, you have no business thinking of him after you get intimate with other people. It sounds to me like you are searching for love in the wrong place. You just graduated college, go out and don’t let Derrick hold you back. You might feel like you love him, but you owe him nothing. Keep strong and remember to always do what makes you happy regardless of what you think Derrick is going to think. Be loyal to yourself and your heart first, and for what its worth, forget about Derrick because he is holding you back.

Best Regards,

Grace