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How do I stop caring what others think?

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  • April 20, 2020 at 11:55 am #350730
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    thanks for the suggestion about expressive therapy. With drawing, I find it very hard to distance myself and just let go. I am very perfectionist there! Sometimes it felt like I lost the fun of drawing a bit.

    But with dancing it’s easier to just do it for fun. Weirdly, even when I am alone I sometimes get worried what it looks like or I worry if my neighbours will hear me. I asked my flatmate about it, if I was too loud. She said she heard it, but it doesn’t  disturb her and she said it’s a good thing to exercise during this time. It was good to ask her and clear that worry up! Now I am only a bit worried about my underneath neighbour.

    But I have danced more during the past days and sometimes I really get this feeling of freedom and I enjoy expressing myself in that way. And after a few days I felt even more at ease with it.

    Yesterday I talked shortly with my friend and she also wanted to call today. I guess her life is just very busy, while mine is very empty at the moment. While I isolated myself more and more during the last year, she made a lot of new contacts. I am happy for her, but I hope that we still can stay connected.

    It is time to come out of my shell again. In the past months, I feel I healed more. After I moved out of the dormitory, I still felt anxiety for months, but I am getting calmer again now and finding trust in myself again. Last year I somehow was in this big crisis and feeling like I am a very toxic and evil person. Now I think, yes, I made mistakes, but at least I have learned something from it and now I can see clearer.

    Who knows, maybe someday even a relationship will be possible. Even if it feels unachievable at the moment. I think you are right that I will need time for myself, even if I was in a relationship.

    I am wondering, why is it so draining for me to spend a lot of time with others? The thought of meeting new people or going to parties just makes me feel resistance. At the other hand, often I also felt good after I spent time with friends (that I know well).

    My therapist said it could be because I haven’t learned that you can also just be yourself, even if you are in a group of people. Even if you are with others, it is o.K. to be you, to have different interests and values.

    Somehow, especially with men or demanding friends, I tried to please them so much. I tried to make them happy and didn’t even realize or ask myself how I felt about it. Then I feared that I did not please them enough or in the right way and also that I was not being authentic (basically I couldn’t win). It’s no wonder that this was exhausting.

    In conclusion, in my future relationships or friendships, I have to learn to also listen to myself, learn to say no. And firstly, I have to get them to know slowly, so I can understand what person they are, build trust and feel safe with them. Safe enough to tell them I I feel overwhelmed or to tell them “no” or that I need some time for myself.

    Hopefully I am not becoming too repetitive (maybe I have talked about those things in the past), this week I was thinking a lot about my relationships and what went wrong. Now I am also wondering if all this analyzing is worth it and I should just (as soon as it is possible again) make new experiences, starting with trying to find new friends. I know I spend too much time thinking and worrying. I know I should do a bit more and worry a bit less.

    Anyways, thank you for your well wishes and thank you for always taking the time to respond! Compared to yesterday I am feeling a bit better, maybe also because I took a long walk today (the past three days or so I skipped it). Hope you are also o.K.!

    April 20, 2020 at 1:04 pm #350746
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lily:

    I am glad you dance, please continue to dance! And I am glad that you took a long walk today and that you are feeling better.

    “I am wondering, why is it so draining for me to spend a lot of time with others?”- for the same reason all of us who have strong, negative inner critics have trouble when in company for too long: the negative inner critic jumps out of us and into the other people (projecting itself, that is), so instead of you thinking: I look awkward, you think: they think I look awkward, and that makes you feel.. more awkward!

    You wrote about people you were around: “I tried to make them happy.. I feared that I did not please them enough”, fearing that they were thinking displeased thoughts about you, that the inner critic projecting itself into them.

    “..I feared .. also that I was not being authentic”- the inner critic doesn’t limit itself to telling you other people are displeased with you, it lets you know that .. you are not displeasing you as well. (Negative inner critics do that, giving themselves unlimited range of opportunities to criticize!)

    I like reading your conclusion: listen to yourself, learn to say no, get to know the other person, so that you can understand who the  person is, and if the person is safe to be around, trustworthy, then you can feel safer and safer with that person, safer to be comfortably yourself, in their company.

    I think that it is a good idea for you to make new friends, before further analysis, absolutely, at your pace and according to what is available to you, as far as safe, trustworthy people.

    anita

    April 23, 2020 at 11:34 am #351302
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    thank you for your replies, always. You did not give up on me when I felt very low and had felt that everybody else had given up on me and judged me and seen me as worthless.

    I think I have learnt a lot about myself in the past year and am now less confused. The feelings of worthlessness are still there and come up sometimes. I can still have bad days and feel depressed and ashamed. But I understand better now.

    At the moment, I think it is best for me to just focus on the small things that make me feel and function better. Focus on finishing my studies, also hopefully my work again soon. Besides that, go for walks, dance, cook, journal, do things that make me feel more o.K. In the past days I had self-depreciating thoughts again, but today I went for a walk and cleaned up a bit, so I feel better now.

    Relationships are still very hard for me. Sometimes I think I should go out there and make new connections, sometimes I still tell myself it’s best to stay alone, so at least I cannot hurt or bother anyone. I can see that exactly this way of thinking causes problems.

    Like you said, my inner critic makes it all so much more complicated. Without this self-depreciation, I would probably be a normal, even likable person. Without all his self-doubt, I would probably be more at ease around people, things would feel more natural. But I am always questioning and criticizing myself, and yes that is also exhausting for me.

    My relationships with people are also not very balanced. I have a strong wish to be there for others.In the past I really tried my best to be a good friend, helped friends with moving, go to their events and so on… But on the other hand, sometimes I haven’t contacted people (except for my best friend and parents) for months. It is no wonder that I lost friends… I have two sides inside me: one prefers to be alone, the other really needs connections. I hope that I will be able to find more balance in relationships in the future.

    Basically, I know in which direction to go: I wrote it in my conclusions above.

    In the last days the loneliness got to me a bit, so I was overthinking again. When I was young, I was always the outsider and so I told myself that I don’t need anyone. In the past years I found out that it is not true and I wish to have a small group of close friends and a meaningful loving relationship. But I also believed that I don’t even deserve someone who loves me. And I didn’t even know myself! So no wonder that it didn’t work out.

    I better stop now. At least I know some tools now how to feel better. I should stick to those and not think so much.

    How are you doing? Are you still going for your walks? Hope you are o.K. during these times!

     

     

     

    April 23, 2020 at 12:18 pm #351310
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lily:

    You are welcome. I am fine, thank you, taking my daily walk still, about 5.5 km on the mountainous wooded area around my home.

    “I think I have learnt a lot about myself in the past year and am now less confused”- this is the hallmark of mental health: learning about yourself (and others) and gaining clarity. In my experience, gaining clarity; no longer being confused, has been a huge relief, a precious experience.

    “The feelings of worthlessness are still there and come up sometimes”- these take a long time to lessen, it can’t happen quickly and it can’t be rushed. Being alarmed by the return of these feelings and resisting them will maintain them. Accepting them while understanding more and more that these feelings of worthlessness do not indicate reality, is the key.

    “I have two sides inside me: one prefers to be alone, the other really needs connections”- the middle way would be being alone a lot and socializing a little, “a small group of close friends and a meaningful loving relationship” reads to me like the right kind of middle-way for you, and I see it as very possible for you!

    anita

    April 27, 2020 at 11:25 am #351626
    Ravi
    Participant

    Hi Lily,

    I read your first post and then 15 pages after read the posts on this page.

    You have made some conclusions and are okay to go ahead based on your discussions here, which is good to know.

    Alongside, just take a look at this article on TinyBuddha itself. Hope it may be of help.

    https://tinybuddha.com/blog/if-you-think-people-pleasing-is-being-kind/

    Take care.

    May 2, 2020 at 12:32 am #352600
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear Ravi,

    thank you for your reply and for taking the time to read.

    I have read the article. It has a lot of valid points and I can see some of the behaviours described in myself.

    However, some of the words used are quite upsetting. The headline is kind of provocative. I do not want to be unkind and dishonest to any person or try to manipulate anyone. I don’t believe this is the person I am.

    I do not scan a person to see what they like and don’t like, as described in the article, so then I can tell them what I like based on their preferences. I like what I like and will not lie about it. If somebody shares an interest then I will likely talk more about this common ground than other interests with them. But I will not pretend to like something when I don’t.

    When I meet somebody new, I mainly feel resistance to talking to them. The first conversations will be awkward and I will be very tense. Only over a long time period of time I will feel more comfortable with someone until I really want to spend time with them. I do not try to impress. My main thought will be: I want to be polite, but I also want to get away and be by myself again (unless I know somebody and feel comfortable with them):

    Also, I am o.K. if somebody doesn’t like me. Still, I would want to be polite to them, even if we don’t like each other. I just wouldn’t want to spend my free time with them, but still say hello and talk politely to them, if there is an issue that needs to be discussed. Of course, if somebody decides that they want no contact with me or don’t want to speak to me, I want to respect and accept that. But, I can’t deny that it won’t upset or hurt me and that I might have sometimes a weird reaction to that. I will get an endless stream of thoughts about all possible and impossible reasons of what I could have done wrong and become distressed. Then, I will probably react weirdly to that person – I will become very unsure how to react and behave when we still meet. I acknowledge that I still have a lot of work to do on myself when it comes to this.

    However, some things described in the article, I can see in myself. I have a very hard time expressing to others what I want or to express disagreement. Saying no is not very easy for me. Sometimes when I tried to say no and the other person pressured me in the slightest way, I gave up my resistance and did what they wanted of me. And in these circumstances I did things that were not true to myself, as said in the article. It ended up not working out at all for me or the other people.

    I have also gone to events or helped a friend with their projects, when I did not really want it or wasn’t feeling well myself. What I wanted was to be a good and supportive friend or a good person. I expected a lot of myself and felt bad about saying no. The end result was, that I wasn’t of much help to my friends and only felt more stressed myself. From those experiences I have learned that I should not neglect my own needs and feelings, but it also took a long time just to see and understand this. And I still have a very hard time saying no or criticizing others.

    Another thing discussed in the article is trust. And yes, I have a very hard time trusting myself and others. The feeling that the way I am is not o.K. is very strong. And it is worse trusting others that they will like me. This is why I prefer to be by myself, because then I feel like I can relax and just be me.I need a very long time before I will feel comfortable with someone. At least I have learned and accepted that about myself, so I will not rush myself again, when I meet another person.

    The article raises a lot of points that I have to still work on. It is good to become more aware of them again, so thank you.

     

    May 2, 2020 at 1:06 am #352604
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    yes, going for walks is very calming and helpful. I can always feel the positive effects when I do that and the negative ones, when I skip it. I really like it to observe nature. As I had more time for walks recently, I was really able to watch how spring unfolds and which herbs start to grow one after another. Is it also spring where you live?

    Thanks for your support and your part in my process of seeing things clearer and becoming less confused. I think I still have to work on accepting that these negative believes about myself will be there for some time. And yes, I should remind myself that they are not true.

    When it comes to relationships, I hope that I will find my middle way. At least, I have understood better by now, which behaviours and beliefs about relationships are not helpful at all. I still have trouble implementing those new insights and to overcome old habits, but at least I am seeing clearer and clearer.

    I still have a lot of trouble telling people when something bothers me. For example, I discussed with my therapist that I should tell my best friend that it upsets me when she says that she will call me on a certain day or later, when she won’t (it happened multiple times now). Better if she didn’t make the promise then (I can understand that she is very busy). But when she called me last Monday, I was so happy, that I didn’t bring it up and it also didn’t bother me so much anymore. But it would have been a learning opportunity for me and it is a bit worrying that I can’t even tell a close friend something like this. When I think about it now, I don’t feel much like telling her. There is fear to be too critical and I do not want to put her down or anything.

    But on the other hand, it has happened before that I didn’t tell a friend when her behaviour upset me or when I just needed more time for myself. Then I grew more and more angry at her, until I couldn’t take it anymore and in the end I let the friendship fade out. But o.K., this person was also very different from my best friend. She was very demanding and sometimes told things I privately expressed to her to strangers or other friends. Still, I was unhappy with myself for not confronting her.

    But o.K. Overall I am doing o.K. during the past days. I am working on old projects and coming closer to finishing them finally. It goes slowly, but at least I am making some progress. I hope you are doing well and I wish you a good weekend!

    May 2, 2020 at 5:28 am #352630
    Ravi
    Participant

    Hi Lily,

    Thanks for sharing your experience about the article on TinyBuddha. I hadn’t myself completely read it and thought from the title it might be of any use to you. Good that you took up a few improvement points from it. Regarding the title of that post it is actually the other way round. It does not ask us to be unkind to anyone. 🙂  It says that – we think that saying “no” to someone means we are being unkind but that is not the case. Anyways you can take what benefits you and ignore the rest.

    I will suggest a website – increasingselfworth dot com

    (Replace dot with an actual dot and remove the spaces before and after that dot just like a website address)

    Please go through it. There are lots of good articles and free kits. I am sure they will be of help to you.

    take care.

     

    May 2, 2020 at 7:11 am #352640
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lily:

    Good to read from you this morning (my time). Yes, it is Spring here, lots of growth and pretty flowers are blooming.

    Regarding your best friend who said multiple times that she will call you later in the day or at a particular time, but doesn’t- that would bother me too. I am careful in these forums to always return to threads about the time I say I will. And I know that you too are socially responsible this way, always answering members who post in your thread, and kindly. But lots of people are not socially responsible in one way or another.

    I am guessing some people will not be bothered by a friend saying she’ll call later, but failing to call, and therefore will not bring it up. I am guessing some people who say they’ll call but don’t, fail to call because they forget, being too busy, time flies, they get distracted, they don’t think it’s a problem to not call back if there’s no emergency.

    I am suggesting that when you do bring it up to her, bring it up in as casual a way as you can manage, ask her in a gentle, non accusatory way, something like: I am wondering why you say you’ll call me at a certain time later, and then you don’t call.. is it because you get busy and forget to call me back?

    Ask for information, so that you understand better what’s behind her not calling you back on time. When she answers, you can say something like: I understand- you don’t have to talk about it further on that one call. Just take in the information she gives you, and process the information later. At a later time you can figure what, if anything, you want to say to her on the matter next time you talk to her.

    As I am typing to you, I am looking at white and pink flowers in the yard, outside the window, and lots of green leaves blowing in the gentle wind. It is beautiful!

    anita

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by .
    May 9, 2020 at 4:35 am #354138
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear Ravi,

    maybe the article triggered me a little bit, because I fear that I am not always authentic or true to myself. I want very much to be honest and kind to people. Those values are important to me. But sometimes I was a bit too polite and not that honest.

    When someone mistreated me once, I still wanted to resolve the issue amicably, I still wanted to be polite. Now I think, if someone treats you this bad, it’s time to throw politeness out of the window!

    Or with this one friend, I wanted some space for myself, she was so demanding! Also her words to me were sometimes pointy. I grew more and more angry at her over time. It would have been better if I had discussed my feelings with her openly, and told her that I was feeling hurt and angry. Instead I wanted to be nice and this perfect person and ignored my own feelings. Then I let the relationship fade away slowly by not initiating contact. I still feel unhappy about this.

    I do not want this to happen ever again! I want to be true to myself, not be overly polite (although I value politeness in everyday situations, no need to be disrespectful to anyone!). It is best for me and the other person.

    Sometimes I still am angry at myself for how I handled those things in the past, feeling guilty for not being consequent enough and for not telling others what I want. But I was very confused myself and barely knew myself what I wanted… I somehow have to forgive myself.

    Well, what I wanted to say, because of these things, I think some of the words from the article hit me (sorry I wrote down so many details, but it helps me to understand myself better). Because the things discussed there hit too close to home (I think this is the saying, right?). So for this reason, it was probably important for me to read the article.

    You wrote: “we think that saying “no” to someone means we are being unkind but that is not the case”. That is true and I want to work on that, being kind to myself and to others.

    Thank you also for the website suggestion. I took a quick look at it and will check it out more later!

    (

     

    May 9, 2020 at 5:23 am #354142
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    it is also very nice weather here and everything is in bloom! I can even hear swallows already, so summer is not far away! During my walks this week I also saw a lot of birds nesting and baby wild geese and ducks. I always take my time to observe nature and smell the flowers (the lilac is blooming right now and I love the smell of it). Maybe tomorrow or so I also want to bake bread with fresh herbs in it.

    About being socially responsible, I am not always. Sometimes I did not reply in months, especially if the person lived farther away and we were not that close. Then I would feel bad about myself and lost a friend. So I want to improve myself and not do that again.

    My sister has a social worker that helps her and he gave her the idea that she could collect all her letters and documents over the week and then have a set day where she goes through them. It sounds like a very good idea to me, and I could use the same tactic and also when it comes to answering letters or mails. This reminds me, I like to watch the youtuber muchelleb, who talks a lot about self-improvement and organizing your life. She has a “life admin day”, where she does all the little things that pile up. That would also a good idea for me. Maybe next Thursday will be a good day to have a life admin day (I am telling you to make myself accountable).

    The second thing about that is, I need to know better what I want and communicate it. Now I am more aware of my feelings. Best to first check with myself, how I feel and if I actually have the time before saying yes to somebody. Then I can be more true to myself and also be more socially responsible and keep my promises. Then I will feel so much better about myself!

    In the past week I was thinking more about this topic and it seems more clear to me now. This was probably were most of my problems came from: not telling what I want or how I feel, trying to please others without paying attention to my own feelings. So at least in theory, I see this more clearly. Next step will be to practice it.

    That brings me to my friend. The next time she does this again, I will say something asking in a gentle way, like you suggested. But she has already told me before that she is bad at replying. I asked if it is o.K. if I call her then and she said that she is happy if I call her. So at least she doesn’t seem to have a problem with me, it is just that this is the way she is and I also know she is busy (this calmed me a bit). I just wish to have more regular contact with her. Before the pandemic I suggested to her that we could go to a class at the gym once a week and she said yes. Sadly this is not possible at the moment.

    Since she met her boyfriend and a lot of new friends through him, we have less contact. Mainly I am sad about this, after all she was the one who called me her best friend and said she loved me. Now I feel a bit forgotten. The best thing would be to talk about it with her. I also do not want to be too demanding, but I still want to stay in contact.

    Now  think I will go for a walk, it is such a sunny day today (it was a bit too sunny during the last weeks, not enough rain for the plants). Later I plan to draw for my project. Hope you are having a good day and a nice weekend!

    May 9, 2020 at 6:47 am #354150
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lily:

    I read both your posts this morning (my time now). Here are some highlights that make me happy:

    “When someone mistreated me once, I still wanted to resolve the issue amicably, I still wanted to be polite. Now I think, if someone treats you this bad, it’s time to throw politeness out the window!”

    – YES, YES, YES, says I with enthusiasm!

    “I want to be true to myself, not overly polite (although I value politeness in everyday situations, no need to be disrespectful to anyone!). It is best for me and for the other person”-

    -again, Yes, Yes, Yes! (said with enthusiasm)!

    And please do forgive yourself for “not being consequent enough and not telling others what I want”- you were not able to do that at the time. Now you are able. Please apply empathy for yourself, not anger at yourself. Anger at self disables change for the better, empathy at self enables change for the better.

    * Regarding reading articles and books and websites- be selective as to what you read, and keep in mind that you don’t have to read anything just because someone suggests that you do. I suppose if you are a student at a university, you have to read a certain selection of articles, books etc., so to get your degree. But otherwise, you are free to choose. Don’t obey anyone– not by doing what they want when present with them, and not by doing what they want when it is people online, especially when it’s people you just met (in person or online).

    “About being socially responsible, I am not always. Sometimes I did not reply in months.. I want  to improve myself and not do that again”- I wonder if you didn’t reply because you didn’t know what  to say. In that case and in any case when you don’t feel like replying at length, you can reply on the same day, or the day after, with a very short, pleasant message like this (an example not based on any specifics): thank you for your note. I am feeling fine, I hope you feel better soon.

    When you want to “not do that again”, whatever that is, remember that anger at yourself disables, and empathy towards yourself enables, so  make a mental note of what it is that you don’t want to do anymore, and let that mental note sink in without anger at yourself.

    The “life admin day” reads good to me. I have trouble doing paper work myself. I keep postponing such. Maybe I will pick a day  myself. If I do, I will let you know how it goes. I hope to read from you about your Life Admin Day (LAD) next Thursday.

    Do check with yourself, what you feel, what you want, what you value, “before saying yes to somebody”. I very much like your goal of being more and more true to yourself, and you already are, which is a delight for me to read!

    Regarding your friend not calling when she says she will call, and her telling you that “she is bad at replying”, I think it’s  fair that  you tell her something like this: because you are bad at replying and you can’t help  it, simply don’t tell me that you will reply at any one time– I will then not expect you to call me at any particular time, and I will not be disappointed.

    “Since she met her boyfriend and a lot of new friends through him, we have less contact. Mainly I am sad about this, after all she was the one who called me her best friend and said she loved me. Now I feel a bit forgotten”- a very common situation, unfortunately, friends left behind when a person gets into a new romantic relationship. I wish it wasn’t the case.

    As you describe the weather and vegetation where you live, it reads like the weather and vegetation where I live, I think we are at a very similar latitude. It is sunny here too, not 7 am yet. I hope you went for your walk by the time you read this, or soon after.

    anita

     

    May 9, 2020 at 8:50 pm #354236
    Ravi
    Participant

    Hi Lily,

    Thanks for getting back. Yes please go through the self worth website. And another suggestion is to work on being assertive (and not aggressive). I see most of the issues mentioned are about not being assertive. About saying/doing right things at the right time. There are lots of books, online articles and videos on it.

    Take good care of yourself, buddy.

    May 13, 2020 at 11:38 am #354778
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    hopefully I am making progress, at least I am understanding things better now. Last year was too hurtful. Now I only have to put everything into practice.

    I still have to work on forgiving myself. Negative thoughts and regrets do still come up at times.

    But today I feel pretty much o.K. My boss called and said that I could probably come back to work in about two weeks. That makes me feel hopeful that things will become more normal again soon.

    But I think I have also used this free time pretty o.K. I have made progress on my project and want to finish my illustrations for it until I start to work again. Also, I have worked on my routine and feel like I am finally making some progress there. Today for example I got up at 7, did some Yoga (20 minutes), drew and then went for a walk and also journaled while sitting on a park bench. I feel satisfied with myself.

    Also, I have learnt a bit about herbs, like I had planned and tried out some new recipes. On Sunday I made the bread which turned out delicious (thinking now about making bread once every week). Also, I made fish on a bed of nettles, which also tasted very well, much better than the nettle soup I made some time ago (that one already looked strange, like some sort of green slime :/ but the taste was still o.K.).

    Now I also have the idea to draw one plant I find or see each day and then make notes about its uses, so I can learn slowly more and more! I bought a new sketchbook for this.

    So I am satisfied with how I used this time without work, even though I was not always productive. I did o.k.

    You are right that I do not have to read every article that a stranger suggests. This one was helpful though and made it clearer for me what I wanted to change in myself. It was good for self-reflection. But sometimes I am still too accommodating. At least I am becoming more and more aware of that. In the past I wasn’t at all and I am still in the habit of trying to please others.

    When it comes to the replying – I think sometimes I do not want to reply immediately and then I forget. Or I want to make a very good reply and then procrastinate. Maybe sometimes I also don’t know what to say or just have a lot of other things going on.

    Last week for example my mother wrote a text message. She wrote what a wonderful and talented person I am and also signed with “I love you”. In this example I did not really know how to reply. Our relationship in the past was not that close, there were no hugs or “I love you”, really. More that my parents did not understand me, I can remember more criticism and not being accepted and feeling like I was a bad, spoiled child. Now I think that my mother was probably depressed and unable to handle being a parent.

    A few years ago, after she had gone to therapy, she started saying “I love you” on the phone and hugging. I say it back but I always feel a little awkward and uneasy. And this text message also made me feel uneasy and overwhelmed. How to reply back? Should I now say also positive things about her back? Do I have to write “I love you” when it feels somewhat unnatural to me?

    I can see positive things about my mother. I am proud of her that she went to therapy and faced her problems. She genuinely seems happier now. She has a lot of friends and hobbies and can also can stand up to my father better. She is a loving person, very active and what I also like is that she is quite adventurous (last year on her holidays she wanted to sleep at the beach, she climbs trees, goes swimming naked in the ocean and all while being over sixty years old). She has hobbies like gardening or singing in the choir and likes to spend time in nature. But I have a hard time writing positive things like this to her, it makes me feel awkward… I think it is not easy for me to express my emotions but with my mother I just don’t feel this close at the same time.

    In the end I just wrote a short message, similar to what you suggested. I said thank you for your kind words and talked about what I had done in the past days and said we can talk on the phone soon. She replied at 3 am the same day, which worried me a bit. But the next day we talked on the phone which went well.

    Tomorrow is my LAD. Did you pick a day for yourself too? If you like you can share about it here.

    My goals for tomorrow are:

    1) Go to the doctor to get a prescription for medication

    2) Clear out that drawer where I put all sorts of letters, papers and things that I don’t know what to do with.

    3) Write a thank you note to my former mentor

    4) Call about two online purchases that I returned and haven’t received my money back

    5) One of my roommates is going to move out soon to move in with her partner. Next weekend me and the other roommate want to discuss what to write in our online advertisement in search for a roommate. I want to prepare for that.

    Those are the most important things for now and I can report later on how it went.

    About my friend: we talked on Sunday. This time she called as she promised. It seems she really works a lot at the moment. She even told me that one day she fell asleep while undressing, she must have been so tired! Sometimes I worry about her, because she works so much and also spends a lot of time helping her mother and others. I think I need to be compassionate with her and I want to be supportive and a good friend. Sometimes I also talked a lot about my problems and I hope it was not too much. In the future I want to be more mindful and present when I spend time with her. Hopefully we can stay in contact, even though life is so busy and she has met new people.

    About the climate: it has become colder now again and a bit rainy. You live in the US, right? I live in northern Germany. The place I live in is known for its bad weather (lots of rain), but during the last three or so years, the summers were warmer and sunnier. Climate change I guess.

    Okay, this has become very long! Hope you are well, thanks for your in depth reply. Take care!

     

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by Lily.
    May 13, 2020 at 11:50 am #354782
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear Ravi,

    thank you for your tips. I think there a re a lot of self help books out there, I only have to decide where to start. As for video, I am already watching youtubers like lavendaire who talk about personal development. I am also in therapy and I think I am on a good path now.

    Thanks for your concern! Have a good day and take care!

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