Dear anita,

thank you for your reassurance! As we know I have a slight tendency to worry too much… But yes, The thoughts do come up from time to time. But there is probably no reason to worry.

I am not entirely sure if I will get by completely without posting here ever again, but if this is the last time I post, I also want to say goodbye! Thank you for your kind words, it made me feel good to be reminded of my positive qualities. And thanks again for always listening and helping me and so many others. It is a good feeling to know that there is someone who will reply, even though the situation seems so messy and you fear that people will only judge you. But you listened and showed compassion! Yes, this was very important to me, to hear another perspective and honest opinion regarding my problems, instead of being ignored or talked about. Only other people, one of them you, looking at me with compassion helped me to start having more compassion with myself and understanding things better. You really put so much time and effort into your posts, often going through old threads again and again. You really care to help! You also are a good and honest person making the world better! Thank you for everything and if we don’t hear of each other again, I wish you well and a good and happy life!

Dear anita,

last weekend I returned from my travels, sorry I did not post before. Everything is fine with me, and how are you doing?

It was nice at the sea. We had mixed weather, which I like best. On two days we just were bathing at the beach, but more pure beach days would have been too much! On other days we went biking, one day my brother and I biked together 26 km to go to a museum. Also, I collected wild rose petals for my tea, went walking at the beach and on one day we went to an island.

At my parents place everything went good as well. I have collected more herbs for me tea and I even found wild mint! And in some places, where I suppose people had mowed the grass, smaller nettles grew, so I was able to make nettle bread. This time it turned out really well and soft. On another day we went hiking with my mother and on some rainy days I binge watched a TV show. Because of the rain the river was very full of water, so I did not dare to go to the stone in the river. But I am glad it rained, because during the draught of the last years, lots of trees died and the bark beetles did a lot of damage.

So now I am back at the city. Everything is o.K. The fist work day went o.K. and I am back at working on my projects.

At the moment I am not sure if I want to continue posting on the accountability thread every day. Often I worry about too much information being shared and also I still did not overcome the problems of procrastination. I want to think more about it. But I am very thankful for your help and support during all of these years!

Dear anita,

yes, best to try overthinking on my behaviour. Sometimes it is hard to get out of the spiral though… ButI think I am getting better at it.

You are right, it also doesn’t help to e too strict. Then I will only blocking myself. But I should spend a lot of a time on drawing and learning about art.

Today however I was mostly preparing for travelling. Cleaning, doing laundry and bringing books to the library and such things. The good thing is that I am feeling less stressed now and more calm again. I think I will be able to sleep better now.

It has also gotten colder here, compared to last week. I hope your walk was nice and refreshing!

Dear anita,

here it was a bit colder yesterday, but today it warmed up again. But not as badly as last week.

My job has a lot of positive sides and I am grateful that I have a job during these times. My co-workers are really nice and I have learned a lot. Actually, I am proud of myself for not giving up when I was not good at all at my job at the beginning and people joked about me and talked… I did not give up and now I have improved more and have become more competent.

What makes the job stressful is the constant multi-tasking. You have to do the administrative work, then the phone is ringing and people come in and ask questions. There is no real time for a break. Of course, my co-workers help a lot and we are a good team.

But the questions asked makes me feel very insecure and incompetent on a frequent basis. Sometimes I know the right answer, but when somebody insists I might say yes to them. Sometimes it happens that I explain something on the phone, but the people won’t believe me. But when my co-worker tells them the exact same thing they accept it. Or often I ask my co-worker for reassurance, if this or that is right and then I also worry if I am getting on her nerves. Definitely, I want to reduce that!

The job has helped me, it is a bit like a social competence training for me and I feel that I am getting better. But I would not want to do this forever. After a stressful day I sometimes can’t sleep and the next day I can still feel tired.

My feeling is that I should focus my energy on my drawings. And that I should live a life more connected to nature. One day I would like to move away from the city.

Of course, I am very priviliged to have a job, and to work part time and to pursue my dream of becoming an artist. Overall, I am content with my situation. Sometimes I just ask myself: is this the life humans are supposed to live? In front of a computer and in a city with little connection to nature? I hope I don’t sound too pretentious.

I am o.K. But I also want to make some changes to my life.

Today I have done most of my errands and have been drawing. But my head also felt a bit scattered. I will draw more now and tomorrow is another work day.

Have a good day!

Dear anita,

yeah, I really don’t like ticks and have been bitten by them quite often in the past. That’s why I now usually wear long clothing when I go to the forest. I will think about how I could do this mini adventure without the danger of ticks…

A walk in nature sounds nice. Here it is still warm, but it feels as if it is a bit cooler than before. Today there was also a short thunderstorm and rain in the morning.

Today I was drawing, but not the most important things. Later I cleaned up my room and I already am feeling better. I should really do the 15 minute clean ups again or my room will become messy and I will feel stressed. A lot of time today was also spent cooking. First I baked a homemade pizza with vegetables, then I made a salad and baked sweet potatoes. So it was overall not a bad day, though I should focus more on my important projects.

Tomorrow is also a workday again and it is the beginning of summer (midsummer). Maybe I will go for a walk or eat some strawberries.

Hope your weekend is going well!

Dear anita,

there are still a few weeks left until your celebration, until the end of July. But it is not too far and I hope you will have a good time then at the movies!

As for he weather, here it was hotter than at your place, over 30°C, yesterday even 35°C if the news were correct. But in my room it is 28°C and it has started to rain now.

Yes, l wish I would have learned sooner that there is strength in being quiet. But at least now I am becoming more of who I am. For now the results are more internal, but I feel more capable now to bring them into the physical world.

But yes, taking baby steps is the right way to go, like the underwater handstands 🙂 And I also started to go running. I should try to incorporate mini adventures into my life. Soon I will go to meet my mother, brother and aunt who will stay at the sea for one week and after that I will go to my parents home. Maybe I could for example try to spend a night sleeping outside at the garden or so. It is a bit scary, but not very dangerous really.

When it comes to the artist meetups (and meetinng new people in geneal) it will require a very big step outside my comfort zone… In reality I don’t have much to lose and does it really matter if I embarrass myself? Maybe a few people that don’t know me will find me weird or judge me if it goes wrong. But then I would never see them again and nothing would have changed… But maybe I could find a friend, or learn something new. I still have to build myself up to do it – for now I am postponing it after the visit at my parents place, if I am honest. Maybe I should just do it, but I am feeling lots of inner resistance.

Today at work it was a busy day and I was alone for most of the time. But I think I managed it well enough and I don’t feel like I made any grave mistakes. I tried my best to help the clients, even though sometimes with people coming in, the phone ringing and administrative work at the same time, it was stressful. But I handled it well and I feel satisfied with myself.

Tomorrow I want to start another collage and maybe go outside for a bit.

Have a good day!

• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Lily.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Lily.

Dear anita,

it was a busy day at work, but overall o.K. Now I am feeling tired.

Maybe I saw my ex today when I stepped out of the train, but not sure…

Yesterday I watched the newer Tomb Raider movie. In my teenage years I wanted to be like these type of tough women like Lara Croft. I tried to be edgy and felt like being shy and friendly was somewhat uncool, I tried to be something I was not. Or I do not know, do I have a bit of these strong women in me? It made me think of the search for my identity and how I looked for role models in pop culture… I guess I was searching for orientation and desperately wanted to be strong and confident (sadly Lara Croft was very sexualized as well, at least in the older games and movies). I do not know what I wanted to say, but this type of strong woman still appeals to me, even though I do not know if this is me.

Tomorrow I would like to finish my collage. Have a good day!

Dear anita,

it was o.K. at work and I also worked a bit on my collage. but I also talked a bit longer to my roommate today.

It sounds great to be able to go again to the movie theater! I hope you will have an enjoyable time there! When thinking about it I almost get a sense of nostalgia for the old times… Spending an evening at the movies, popcorn, talking about the film afterwards.

Maybe soon I will also be able to do more things because today I was able to get an appointment for my first dose of biontech. My boss and my co-workers helped me, refreshing the page again and again and then we found a free spot! I will be the last from the company to get vaccinated, but I will only believe it when it’s done. Maybe they will send me home and not accept me, but they accepted all my co-workers.

It was so nice also how my co-workers helped out! I feel grateful!

Good night, anita!

• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Lily.