Last week, I think on thursday, I looked at my facebook messages and saw that K’s profile picture was deleted. I wondered if he had blocked me. But it seems he has deleted his account. Despite it not going well between us, I feel worried about him. But hopefully he is just focusing on his studies or improving his life. It probably has nothing to do with me and I hope he is well.

To find out, what it looks like if you get blocked, I looked at my old messages by the man from the dormitory. I had blocked him for a long time, but now it seems like he had blocked me on all of his accounts recently (I know the message was different only some weeks ago or so). Because the note in my messenger changed from “you can’t respond to this conversation” to “this person is currently not available”.

Of course I am happy with his choice to block me and move on with his life. Just, the timing is very strange. After three years of our “breakup”? Why now? Why is he still thinking about me so much after all of this time, that he feels the need to block me?

There was something weird with my account too. It said I had messages, when I had none. I wondered if there was something wrong or if it got hacked, and changed my password.

On saturday after yoga class, when I went home I crossed by a group of men, seemingly from the same ethnicity like the men from the dormitory. One was grinning at me. And one said “I will help you” and another one repeated it. I just ignored them, but I found it strange…

I know it sounds super crazy… There are more weird things, but I am probably overthinking again, making up crazy conspiracy theories… Right???

I am sorry to bother you with this. Maybe it’s just a sign that the story with these two is over now and that I should just move on.

Dear anita,

you are right, I am overthinking, and especially when I feel stressed. And at the moment, nothing seems to go right.

I will try to do something more productive now and work on my project for uni.

Thank you for your help!

Dear anita,

I am feeling a little better now. At least I am not having this extreme feeling of anxiety and like I am going crazy. And I have no more suicidal thoughts. I feel more stable, even though I still feel sad.

At work, I will be working more hours for some time and earn more, so that is a good thing. And yesterday I met my mentor, after I had almost canceled the whole program a few weeks ago, when I was under a lot of stress.  She is very friendly, and we decided that I make a time plan for my university projects and other career plans. It also seems that she has a lot of useful tips on how to become a freelance illustrator. It is good to have someone to guide me a little on how to do the first steps.

Today I also looked at one room that I really liked. But there are a lot of people interested… I have to work more on this search for an appartment and I need to motivate myself. So I want to write here to motivate myself. Tomorrow, I will contact at least one person in search of a room. Hopefully it helps.

One day, I would like to have a real home, with some people who are part of my life… But I already have my best friend and we truly support each other. And my family is also supportive, even though it is a little difficult. So I need to be thankful for that. But I also want to have more friends and become less isolated…

And how are you doing?

Dear anita,

I am glad you were feeling better when you replied. I hope you are well and not sad anymore!

At the moment I feel more stable. I don’t know why I got so upset over that floor meeting, that ended up being canceled. It was just so weird to me that they sent me an extra E-Mail and later asked me again to come… And usually, there is only one meeting every half year and we already had one. But of course, I am surely not so important to the lives of my flatmates.

My therapist said also, that I have a lot of imagination. And it is true, I end up making up horror scenarios in my head, imagining people accusing me of everything that is going wrong. And I got the feeling like “I am the problem, everywhere I go”.

But I should better use my fantasy for more productive things, for example to get creative and write a book or create a blog… But I also need to learn how to better deal with my feelings, because they can get overwhelming, when I am under stress.

But in the last days, I felt better. Yesterday I sent out all the required info to the landlord and I contacted another person in search of a roommate. I did it first thing in the morning and it worked. Tomorrow I will try again. Doing the worst thing first seems to be a good idea.

Today I also worked on my illustrations for about 4,5 hours, cleaned up and it was  an o.K. day. I want to keep it up and become a functioning adult… The talk with my mentor gave me hope that I can do it too, even if it will still take some time. She plans everything ahead, so she has enough time to complete her tasks and I would like to get to that level too.

You asked about my illustrations: I like to draw people I see in the city (especially if they are interesting characters with nice or special outfits), I also draw a lot of things I see in nature (leaves or shells I collected, birds I have seen, landscapes) or scenes from everyday life. My style is described as “naive” often, also they say that my drawings are narrative and that you can see that I look at the people I draw with affection. I would show you something, but I want to stay anonymous and I gave so much personal information on this website already.

To earn money, I would like to illustrate book covers and maybe work in advertisement or make illustrations for magazines (but also, I want to work part time still, at least in the beginning). I will have to ask my mentor more about how to get started with all of this, but I am thinking about going to a book fair next spring and to show my portfolio there. I think this would give me some time to prepare. But first, I will focus on my projects for uni to not overwhelm myself again.

Then, one day I want to publish a graphic novel also. I already have ideas for more than one book… The worst problem is that I need to organize my life better and become more disciplined.

About having a home: yes, I would like to find a place that feels like home. In my dream life, I would live close to nature. Somewhere where I can go to the forest everyday, it would be nice to have a garden to grow my own food… My room doesn’t need to be big and I don’t need a lot of things, but it should be comfortable with some plants and rugs or pillows…

And yes it would be nice to have some people around. In the past I saw myself as a loner, but I am realizing more and more that I am missing something. At the moment I have isolated myself again… So yes, roommates or friends would be nice to have. Sometimes I wonder if I could live together with my brother, but it would also be difficult as he cannot make decisions and you have to cheer him on a lot. It would already be nice if I didn’t live so far away, so we could sometimes go for a trip or do sports together or something. Maybe also with my sister.

Or to have some nice roommates that would become my friends would also be good. But at the moment I am kind of doubting my ability to be a good roommate. But I think I also have some good qualities, I am polite and empathetic and I can cook well and I like to listen to others… Once I gather up the courage to talk about a problem, I can talk well to others and am also sympathetic. I clean up my mess, at least in the community rooms… Maybe it could work out….

But at some point it would also be nice to have a partner to share my life with. But its not the right time for that now, I think. I have to work on myself a lot and even though I want a relationship I am also very afraid of it. Who knows, maybe in the future it will be possible…

Dear anita,

yes, I am trying to stay more calm and plan my days better. I am feeling like I am slowly getting better, like I am procrastinating a little less and doing better. It feels like I care more and have a more positive outlook for the future, instead of constantly looking at myself as a loser. My therapy and talking to you has helped me already, I think.

I followed my plan to send out applications for a room last week. And I got 3 responses out of four.

Yesterday I went to see one of the rooms. The people living there seemed friendly and I think their lifestyle could also match with mine. But you know what? One of them said they know one of my roommates at the dormitory. How is it even possible in a city this big? Sometimes I feel like my life is a soap opera…

Well, as she was probably going to ask her friend about me, I told them that I likely didn’t make a good impression on my roommates here at the dormitory.That I hadn’t been feeling well in the past months because of problems with my boyfriend and that I was an outsider at the dormitory. That people seem to think that I had stolen something and I even said that I have avoidant personality disorder.

Under normal circumstances I wouldn’t have revealed all of this, but I thought in this case it’s best to be open. Their reaction was positive. They said that they form their own opinion and that it was courageous of me to share that. But the one woman seemed also a little uncomfortable. Maybe I overshared, but I feel like I did the right thing, even though it probably means that they won’t want to live with me. Being honest is the best way for me. Better than one day the friend (my current roommate) coming over and things getting awkward…

I guess I will have to continue looking.

The last week was a little stressful, so I didn’t send out new applications. At work, I now have new tasks and I also have to answer the phone and talk to the costumers. It is a bit of a challenge, as I probably seem too insecure at times. But I tried my best, and if I know the answers, I do well, I think. But once I didn’t know what to say on the phone when my boss was around and that was a little uncomfortable. But I am learning.

After work, I even went to uni, to work on my projects. I think I did o.K. this week. But now I feel also a little tired. Today I also go to a workshop. Maybe next weekend I will take a day off and go to the forest or do something more relaxing.

As for my career, I feel more motivated to work on that now. And I will look into what you said about making money online. Maybe I can ask my mentor. I remembered how much I liked being creative and I think it could give me a purpose in life.

How are you doing? Hope all is well with you, please take care!

• This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by Lily.

Dear anita,

maybe it was unnecessary to say all of that. But I felt, that I wanted to be honest. And that if asked, my current flatmates would possibly tell them how weird I was…

Maybe, if I trusted myself, I could be o.K. The problems happened because of my insecurities. But I didn’t do anything to my roommates, even though I behaved weirdly. And also, I had no bad intentions with K. I just wanted to get to know him and be in a relationship with him. And I am in therapy to work on my problems. Plus, I usually get along o.K. with people, once I get to know them a little better and talk to them.

The past months were just not so easy, I think I am still recovering. Hopefully one day I can be more o.K. with myself like you are and less anxious!