Dear Anita,

I hope you’ve had a nice time during Christmas. I’m guessing its been snowing over there. Here it’s still dry but cold.
Again, it has been a while since I’ve opened this page. I did actually a while ago and I’ve seen your question – ” how are you, Robi? ”. I just didn’t know what to say.. I felt like I didn’t want to respond. Not because I didn’t want to talk to you. I felt like by responding, I would again admit that things haven’t turned out very well. But I guess things haven’t turned out that well. Or better said – they haven’t turned out as well as I was hoping. Nothing terrible happened though. Actually, not that much has happened – perhaps that’s what bothers me the most. I was hoping for more clarity but quite the opposite has happened.

I’m sorry, I’m not in my best of moods – not my best time of the year. I go nuts when I hear that ” it’s the most wonderful time of the year ” song on the radio these days. Because this year, I don’t f***ing feel it. This to me, has felt like a very tough year. Of course many great things happened.. but overall I feel this must’ve been my toughest year so far.
Anyway, I actually didn’t want to write a lot today. I just wanted to say hi and thank you for checking up on me. Also I wanted to see how you are and how’s Christmas over there? Well.. its over now I guess but the mood might still be on.

I hope you are doing well – I’m looking forward to hear from you! 🙂
Robi

Dear Anita,

We had some snow this morning! Not much, just a little. Enough for cars to slide around – of course, I had a go. Sadly I am currently in Romania. I’ve only come back here a few days ago. On Christmas eve to be precise. What a strange thing to do if u ask me. Still trying to understand how I got here but I feel its going to take a while to gain some clarity.

This year has been very confusing. A lot of indecision, a lot of uncertainty. Now, at the end of 2025, I feel absolutely exhausted. I feel burned out and tired. I hear many people saying these exact words these days.. but many of them for different reasons. I haven’t exactly worked my ass off.. the ‘’work’’ has been happening in the background, on the inside so to speak. Since June, when I came here to spend some time in the countryside, I’ve had quite a few experiences. I started to like it here more, got used to the community here, the nature that I love so much.. My girlfriend also came over for a few weeks throughout the summer so we spent some nice time here. I also met some very interesting people here, very likeminded – people who also traveled and came back. I felt like this place could be the right place for me. Its home, its where I grew up! For the most part my parents where away, I was living on my own, or with my gf, had space, time, work online and great weather. Once the summer ended, my parents came back from their long holiday. Also my girlfriend went back to Poland. By then I’ve decided that I’d like to try to stay here and maybe create something here. I thought I’d stay and my girlfriend could visit for now and gradually move here. I thought maybe I could come up with some workout space, some kinda of off-grid community with my new friends.. breath-work camps.. few ideas have been flying around. In September I went to Warsaw for 2 weeks just to visit. Also I wanted to bring some more clothes and things to Romania. This time we stayed with her mother – which I didn’t like at all but somehow things worked. While I was there I felt like I wanted to stay.. like I wanted to get back there and not stay in Romania. I felt like I didn’t want to live separately from my girlfriend. There I was packing a big bag of clothes, returning to Romania, although I didn’t feel like I wanted to be there.

But I did come back – and I told myself I wanted to go back to Warsaw once I find some more work there. Again a couple months have passed. I’ve been working online, making some money but not enough to fully sustain myself in Warsaw. My girlfriend visited me again in October, spent some nice time together.. and again we were apart. The plan? I didn’t really know anymore. I was somewhere in between. I could stay but I could also go. I didn’t want to go to Warsaw because I didn’t like living in Poland. I wanted to stay here because it felt like home. But what about my relationship? Well.. I didn’t know how I felt about that.

I probably mentioned this to you before – whenever I spend some time apart from my girlfriend, I gradually seem to lose interest in her and start doubting. I always miss her right after we part, for a couple days but then I start having doubts and I keep telling myself I should break up with her because I don’t feel like we connect, I tell myself we don’t have things in common, I often thing of other women and think I might not be with the right person. When she writes to me, I feel irritated. I feel I don’t want to answer her. Almost as if I’m pissed off with her. I often thing this could be some kinda defence mechanism – I don’t allow myself to mis her.. so I disconnect.

So I kept working throughout the last months of the year, kept fighting my indecision. Should I stay or should I go. I was spending time with friends here, feeling more at home – but still, I wasn’t sure I wanted to stay. Also, living with my parents started to feel unbearable – so many triggers.. expectations, games. This wasn’t at all good for me. So at the end of November I decided I’ll get myself a one way ticket and go to Warsaw. I thought its the best thing I could do. I wanted us to spend December together, see how we feel together, se how I feel about her, look for some work opportunities there and ultimately, if I decided to stay, to move in together and build something. of our own together. During the months I’ve been here I managed to put some money aside so I’ve decided to rent an AirBnb for the month of December. I wanted us to stay separately from her mother, so we can really be together. No more parent figures around, no more space and privacy issues. Of course financially wasn’t great – tickets and AirBnb were very expensive but well.. I didn’t care.
Right before leaving, I was unsure. “Why am I even going? I don’t want to be in Poland.. I don’t even think I want to continue this relationship”. One day before my flight I broke down – I started crying, feeling like I didn’t want to go. My parents felt me and tried to convince me to stay. They told me I can stay here rent free and there will always be food on the table. They said I was going to hate it there, living with her mother in the small flat. They said I won’t achieve anything by going. I will only spend my money and be back in a few weeks ar after the holidays. I was tempted to stay, of course.. but I didn’t. I said.. well If I come back then so be it. I told myself that we’ll probably break up and I’ll be back soon anyway… but I thought we both deserved to spend some time together and not talk about these things over the phone. So I booked an Airbnb for the first 2 weeks of December and went. I felt like I wanted to stay though.

There I was – landing in Warsaw. I was journaling during my flight and I wanted myself to read it later. I said something like – now feel I am probably going to end this relationship and come back soon. I was curious – how will this read later on, in a few days or weeks? Once I reached Warsaw we went to the AirBnb. I was so happy we didn’t go to her mother’s flat and we have our own space – just for us. But surprize! We couldn’t switch on the lights. We were walking through the apartment but we couldn’t figure out what was wrong with the lights. I thought.. maybe we had to switch it on from some panel. But no. The flat had no electricity. It did earlier, according to the owner who told us the cleaning lady has been there before we arrived but for some reason, the flat had no electricity. So we went do to some groceries, bought some candles and started cooking. At some point during the night when she told me she loved me I broke down. I told her I loved her too.. but I felt this guilt.. I felt like an impostor. So I broke down and told her I’ve been having doubts about my feelings for her and that I didn’t want to come and I didn’t know if I wanted to continue this relationship. I cried a lot that night and so did she. She was very understanding and supportive and she even appreciated me being honest. I felt a lot of the pressure has gone.. I started feeling better, less tense, less uncertain. I already started feeling much closer to her. Those doubts were starting to evaporate.
The next day we couldn’t make the electricity work so we decided to look for something else and leave that flat. The owner has given me a refund for the 2 weeks and we went across the street – to her mothers flat. Well, we had no place to go and I was dead tired after the trip, the long conversation etc. So, I took the easy exit. Convenience. Her mother even said during lunch – ‘’ hah, you ended up here already ‘’. Yes.. I know right? Not quite what I’ve planned. I have to admit – it did feel good. It felt like a warm hug, like a bowl of soup when ill with high temperature. I was even writing this in my journal. ‘’ don’t get tricked again !“
I looked for more options around her neighbourhood but there weren’t any options so I told myself we can stay for a few days. We were going to a wedding in a few days anyway and we were going to spend few days away anyway so we can switch to another AirBnb once we are back. And we did. Being there, in her mother’s flat triggered all my wounds again. All the lack of space I’ve had in childhood. I kept complaining about not liking it there and I kept criticising her life situation, her being nearly 40 living with her mother. Not proud of saying those things. I often do.. It comes from my frustration and I often find it hard to find clarity when I’m there.

I’m won’t go through the entire month of December. It would make both our brains explode. Mine has already, partially. I only have a little bit left, the one I’m using for writing. The rest will hopefully come back with the new year. Although we went to another AirBnb, then back in the mother’s flat for couple days, then again off to another city for a few days, then again a few days with the mother, then again left for the country side for a few days for my birthday… the month of December has been pretty crazy. We argued a lot, we talked about many things, I criticised her life 10 thousand times more and we talked about breaking up quite a few times. We did say we loved each other though. That we always said at the end of every argument. And often that would be the end of many of them.

By the third week of December.. we were tired. We both felt like we’ve been hit by lightning. I felt like I completely failed. I wanted us to be together for the month of December and.. enjoy it. I didn’t know if we’ll stay together or not, I didn’t know if I wanted to stay there or not.. but I wanted us to enjoy this month nevertheless. I thought we both deserved that – I kept saying we both had a tough year and I thought we could end it ( the year ) on a positive note. Well.. that didn’t quite go that way. In fact, the year had a different plan for us. “ How about re-living the top 10 toughest moments of 2025 ? Yay! “ :)) At least it felt that way to me.

So there we were, in the countryside, about to celebrate my birthday soon, looking for my plane ticket. I felt like going home on the 24th would make sense. I felt I didn’t want to spend Christmas with her family and we both felt we needed some time to process the month of December. So I got the ticket. I was going to leave in a few days. I didn’t feel like it was the right thing to do though. I felt like maybe it was necessary – but not the right thing.
Right away, we started to enjoy our time together. Everything felt brighter, warmer. We felt relieved. But I was starting to feel regret. I started to regret not staying – not trying harder, not looking for more jobs, not making a bigger effort, not trying to make the best of the time we spent together. I felt like I didn’t want to leave.

Since then I feel this deep regret in my hearth. I didn’t manage to switch it off – and I guess that’s great. Perhaps I’m learning to allow myself to feel these things instead of disconnecting. It’s been one week since I bought that ticket and I keep thinking I wish I could go back and not buy it. I wish I’d decided to try harder, to rent something else and look for work once January kicks off. I didn’t want to go and the closer I got to my flight the more I felt it. Once I arrived here I felt even worse… my parents felt so off, almost like they didn’t want me to come. I had some food and immediately got some food poisoning – for days I’ve been pretty much laying in bed. Some Christmas huh ?

Now my stomach is almost 100%. I’m guessing it wasn’t the food. Of course the greasy Romanian food didn’t help but I’m guessing stress has had very much to do with the way my stomach reacted. My gut found all this very hard to digest. Go figure.
I still feel sad though. I feel like crying and I regret coming back. I don’t really feel like going to see my friends and I don’t really feel like I want to get comfortable here once again. I feel afraid I will though so I’m trying to keep myself on track.

“ Which track “ you might be asking yourself. That’s a good question.
Although all this seems like I have no idea what I want to do and where I want to be.. I feel that being with my girlfriend and building a solid relationship together is something I’d like to do. I’d like us to have our own corner where we can be with each other. I’d like us to be fully independent from our parents and have our own family. We already are a family me and her. Although the last 4 and a half years have been tough we know that we love each other. I guess it would’ve been easier if I’ve had my shit together.. perhaps if she didn’t live and work in her mother’s flat. But then.. should we give up on each other because we didn’t have an ideal situation? These days it’s so hard to meet someone who you really click with. And don’t get me wrong.. I have many moments when I think she’s not the right woman for me. Sometimes I don’t like what she’s wearing and that makes me think I don’t fancy her. But that’s something I should be working on. The things that really matter are there. We both know we are lucky to have met each other.

The thing is.. it’s a lot easier to leave it all behind and start over.. until.. it pretty much gets to the same point again.
It’s very difficult to change, to take a step. Once I take a step I feel like I’ve done enough already. Often I don’t feel like I wanna keep going. But I have to keep going. I also want to keep going. And.. what really bothers me about December is that I didn’t. I didn’t keep going and that hurts a lot. I feel like I again gave up on myself, on my growth. On another chance to change. I again ran away when things got difficult. Same old – but one year older.

Now I’m sitting around trying to make sense of it all. I feel like shit being here but I keep looking for jobs in Warsaw. I want to go back and try again. I want to build a foundation under my feet. I don’t quite know how. But its okay.

Okay that another long one.
Thank you for reading this!
Take good care of yourself 🙂
Robi

Dear Anita,

I wish you a happy new year! I hope you had a good, peaceful evening and start of the year. Also, I hope this year brings you more peace and clarity in your life. I took it easy – stayed mostly home, went for some walks in the nature, rested and woke up well rested. I’m glad I didn’t go for the usual party 🙂 This time I choose myself.

I’ve been thinking about what you said about my attachment style. It resonates fully and I think this attachment style of mine gets reflected in all corners of my life. At first I’ve been thinking of it as a particular attachment style when it comes to a romantic relationship but then I realised that those characteristics described by you and google later on, are to be found in all of my life’s corners. For example – the way I tend to leave when things get hard ( wether we are talking about leaving a country or a job ). Also the way my goals change so often – now I want this but later on I want that. The trigger can be very subtle but my whole identity seems to change direction so often, in a disorganised, chaotic way. This is something I need to focus on right now for sure.

How are u doing?
Robbie

Dear Anita,

Thanks for asking! I’m okay.. I was chilling in bed, trying to figure out why don’t I spend more time with myself in silence, with my thoughts and emotions. I often watch films in my free time or get engaged in all kinds of learning processes but I feel I need more stillness in my life. Anyway.
I’m feeling stuck to be honest. I’ve been here for ways too long. I remember you told me on many occasions not to come live here with my parents. You told me it was a bad idea. Well… you were right. But you know that already 🙂
So these days I’m sending job applications to Warsaw. I want to build a solid foundation with my girlfriend. I’d like us to be family and live together. It took me a long time to feel this.. perhaps I didn’t allow myself to. But now I feel that this is what I want to do. I had to go full circle.. to.. basically want to go be in Warsaw with my girlfriend ( again ). But this time the structures we both know so well, need to collapse. And they are.

I want to deal with all this right now. I want to try to build my own structure – even if its not going to be easy or comfortable. I want to deal with my relationship with my mother ( and the way it shows up in my romantic relationship ). Also, with the way I react to my girlfriend’s relationship with her mother. Well.. and the obvious: my financial independence and my ability to hold on to my steering wheel and not go off-road again.

These last weeks had been so introspective… I see there’s a lot that I want to change. And I’m happy about it. I’m also fuc*ing terrified. However, a new, sharper lens has been acquired. I see things I haven’t before and perhaps that’ll help 🙂

How about yourself? How’s this year treating you so far? We had a ton of snow here.. haven’t had that much snow in more than 10 years. I’ve made an igloo in the park… Worked 5 days straight. Felt amazing. I needed that. It felt so reassuring.. I thought: If I can make an igloo in the park I can probably do things too.

Ah, I know it sounds a little naive.. but there’s something in it. At least for me 🙂

Take good care!
Robbie