Dear Anita,

Yeah, I named him. I’ve had a 1984 W123 Merc when I was 18.. It was my second car. First car was a Dacia which I’ve modified to go racing on the street. Such crazy years those were… Then, I thought I had my life ahead of me.. And I did. That’s still true today I guess.. but the feeling has changed. Now I just want some peace :))

I know a thing or two about the effects of alcohol on my social life. When I was living in Spain the majority of my social interactions were lubricated by alcohol. I felt good when drinking, I was less inhibited and didn’t feel self conscious. Then there was ecstasy. That happened on occasion.. whenever I would go to a bigger party with some friends and someone had some. That was just.. next level of connectedness. Then I felt truly complete.. as if everything is perfectly aligned. I felt full acceptance for everything and everyone. But I guess I’ve never cherished that feeling enough to get into regular use of any drugs.. I just saw it for what it was. I do miss those things sometimes. Its been years since I’ve done anything like that.

Alcohol has been always around in my life… when I was 13 I got into a coma because of drinking too much alcohol ( believe it or not…) It was kind of an accident.. I didn’t know I could almost die from drinking a few glasses of home made vodka. I ended up in the hospital – I was pretty lucky.
Have I learned my lesson?
No. Course not. Later on in my late teens I was getting drunk at parties, later on in Uni.. and well.. Spain… There I got completely immersed into the realm of alcoholic beverages. I began to develop more sophisticated preferences and got more into wine… but during the pandemic I took a good break from it. I always known I was drinking a little too much and felt pretty drained the next day. So.. pandemic was good. Pandemic was real good. I started eating well, working out and stopped drinking.
After that alcohol has become a every now and then kinda thing… I even had long breaks.. like months without alcohol. Now I fine tuned a little.. Now I have a glass or 2 every now and then when I’m in good company.. but that’s about it. Same goes for cigarettes.

For a while I identified with the image of a non alcoholic person who takes care of his body and does only healthy stuff. And.. yea.. it kinda felt good.. but I also felt bored. That was just some bullshit spiritual ego. I guess all is good in smaller measures..
I make wine with my dad every year.. we have some grapevine and we make a decent quantity of red wine. Its pretty good.. that’s what I’m drinking these days… Well.. once a week or so..

Ah yea.. u asked me about the cafe bistro thing..
Yes.. I’d very much like to own my own a place like that. I’d like to design it myself.. and I’d like to always play nice music in the background. Some days I’d like to do House or Balearic Chillout Dj sets there.. as background music. Yea.. that would be pretty nice 🙂 I’d channel my passion for sound and esthetics into a place that could serve a good place for community building.. Yea that sounds alright..

How are u today?

I’ve just discovered the word ”enticing” – I had no idea what it meant.

Will see… meanwhile.. I’m spending some time in a cafe some friends opened a while ago… and its really nice.. I enjoy the vibe, the music ( which I mainly take care of :)) ) the community..

There is however something.. There’s this woman who works there.. and I feel a strong pull towards her.. I’ve felt it for months seeing her here and there.. We don’t really know each other well… we talk sometimes but I feel she is also attracted to me. I feel strange about it.. I feel I want to step closer to her. I often think of her… but I won’t want to be dishonest towards my girlfriend.. who is in Poland. Our relationship isn’t great at the moment… we decided to take a few days off from talking.. so we can feel things a little better. We are both burned out from heavy arguments.

I feel I don’t know what to do. I feel both guilt and excitement. Damn it!

Anyway.. this is where I’m at this weekend..
How are u doing?
Robi

Dear Anita,

Well, today we spent some time together talking about all kinds of things.. I don’t know.. I feel a lot of pull towards her.. and I also think she’s attracted to me too. I don’t know, I could be wrong – these days I’m so tired and confused that I might not pick up on everything very well.. We talked for a couple hours.. and I felt good talking to her.. we even touched on relationships.. a topic she opened. I did feel like I wanted to make a move and kiss her a few times.. I kinda felt like she wouldn’t mind that at all.. But who knows? Maybe I’m just imagining that. Her relationship with her mother seems quite different from the one my girlfriend has with hers.. and I feel we have many things in common actually.. But I feel both blocked and excited..
On the other hand, right now.. I don’t really feel anything specifically towards my current girlfriend. I feel.. numb.. and I feel no excitement at all.. We’ve been fighting a lot and things have been so tough..

I don’t know what I’m gonna do.. I might see this woman tomorrow again.. but I’m not sure what I’m going to do..

Dear Anita and Roberta,

Well, it didn’t go as I thought it would and I’ve been rejected by this other woman. It came as a surprise – I was almost sure there was something else there. Damn.. I wonder how did I misinterpret this one. From what I understand she wants to be on her own right now.. so.. that’s that.

As for my long distance relationship.. we haven’t yet resumed talking.. but I’m not sure. Right now I might need a little more time.. And.. what it is that kept us together all this time? That’s a good question. I don’t quite know to be honest.. not with my curent foggy mind and heart at least..

Damn it things are so complicated these days 🙂