Dear Robi:

As I was reading and studying your earliest thread (“My story and my search for answers”, June 8, 2018- July 4, 2018, age 25) and part of the second, I came across a term called Identity Diffusion which may have applied to you back in 2018 and maybe still. It definitely applied to me for the great majority of my life.

Identity diffusion means the person doesn’t have a consistent sense of who they are across time, they feel like different people in different situations and their view of others swings between idealization and devaluation. This creates a self that feels fragmented, inconsistent, or hollow, especially under stress.

Identity diffusion forms when early caregivers were intrusive, inconsistent, emotionally absent, frightening, and/ or unpredictable, and it leads to unstable relationships, shifting self‑image, intense emotions that feel unmanageable, idealizing then devaluing others, feeling empty or unreal, and difficulty making decisions or commitments

It’s the adult expression of a childhood where the child had to ADAPT to the emotional environment instead of DEVELOPING an inner center. The child grows up without enough emotional space to develop an inner center, suppressing their own preferences, feelings, and impulses because expressing them either doesn’t matter or creates conflict. Over time, the child oriented around the parent’s moods, expectations, and needs, building a self that is externally shaped rather than internally rooted.

This produces an adult who feels blank, indecisive, easily overwhelmed, and dependent on relationships or external structure to feel real, shifting identity depending on who the person is with, mistaking intensity for connection, and collapsing when alone because there is no stable inner “me” to return to.

Identity diffusion feels like blankness when someone asks what you want, fog when you try to make decisions, and collapse when you’re alone. You might feel intensely connected to someone one day and disconnected the next. There’s a constant sense of being pulled by external forces — partners, expectations, moods, fantasies.

Identity diffusion shows up in relationships as a kind of shapelessness — a person who becomes whoever the relationship needs, then collapses when the role becomes too heavy. It looks like shifting preferences, values, or desires depending on the other person. It shows up as clinging when alone and avoidance when intimacy gets too close, because both closeness and distance feel destabilizing when there’s no inner center.

It creates cycles of idealizing a partner, then feeling suffocated, then feeling guilty, then feeling empty — not because the partner changed, but because the person’s internal structure is too thin to hold steady. It also shows up as romantic over‑investment after minimal connection, or sudden doubt and emotional numbness once the initial intensity fades.

The above, Robi, is general information. Does it resonate?

Anita

Good to read back from you so soon, Robi. I am fine, still working on my own healing every day, and that gives me a sense of meaning, plus I feel better inside, much, much better.

It makes sense to me that you don’t feel like connecting to her: bad feelings are attached to the connection. I am guessing there’ll either be a repair (and reconnecting to good feelings) or… staying away from her?

Anita

Sounds like you really do need some deep rest. Put yourself first, Robi. What you need, what you feel IS important! I hope to read from you after you rest!

Dear Robi:

Thank you for writing back 🙂. I can hear how depleted you feel — emotionally worn out from carrying so many decisions and uncertainties at the same time.

It makes sense that Warsaw, staying where you are, and even the relationship- all feel confusing right now. When someone is this depleted, anything or everything can feel like a burden.

You don’t have to decide anything right now. You’re allowed to take this step by step, gently. If you feel up to it, I wonder what part of the relationship feels heaviest for you these days.

As for me, I’m sitting in a comfortable armchair with Bogart curled against me, listening to his even breathing. It brings a sense of calm, and I’m here with that calm as I read your words.

🌿🌿🌿Anita