Tiny Buddha

Tag: wisdom

  • Be Happier with Your Life: 6 Ways to Let Jealousy Guide You

    Be Happier with Your Life: 6 Ways to Let Jealousy Guide You

    “Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own.” ~Unknown

    My friend Kayla and I ran a student organization together at our graduate school. One day, we were sitting at the local café, talking about plans for the organization. Kayla had an idea for a major creative project she would drive and lead.

    The idea was fabulous, and I didn’t like it. I didn’t like the idea of her doing this fabulous thing, though I couldn’t quite put my finger on why. Over our coffees, I shared this concern and that. It wasn’t in line with our goals for the year. It would send the wrong message to our members. It probably wouldn’t work.

    As I shared each concern, Kayla responded, eloquently. And bless my friend Kayla, then she said, “Tara, I’m listening to everything you are saying. I’m really trying to understand it, but the words are not making sense to me. You don’t sound like yourself. It feels like you are jealous.”

    Whoa. What? Can you hear the little screeching to a halt sound in the background? Things just got hazy with time-just-slowed-down-and-I-sure-didn’t-expect-that wooziness.

    Because Kayla is the amazing woman she is, she said this without a hint of accusation. She didn’t sound hurt or angry, righteous, or victimized. She said it as if it were a neutral observation.

    In the moments she said it, I began to realize she was right.

    I thought, here I am, jealous of a friend. I’m being that kind of person I’ve been hurt by. I’ve been on the other side of the table—sharing a creative idea, an ambition, and feeling it squelched because the other person was threatened. How did I get here? (more…)

  • A Simple Guide to Being Yourself Instead of People Pleasing

    A Simple Guide to Being Yourself Instead of People Pleasing

    Backyard Buddha

    To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself. ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    Many people I talk with feel that they have no joy in their life. They feel obligated to do so many things that they don’t have time for themselves and the things they really want to do.

    As a result, they feel drained, anxious, and resentful. With so many outside forces competing for their time, energy, and financial resources, is it really any wonder they feel this way?

    So what do we do? How can we remain balanced among this sea of obligations and commitments?

    The answer is to live consciously. By looking at each decision we are making and by asking ourselves, “Is this really what I want to be doing? Is this really what is right for me?” And then by making sure our actions stay in alignment with our true intentions.

    Saying yes when we mean no often causes us not to trust ourselves. It damages our confidence and lowers our self-esteem.

    So why do we do it?

    From a young age, we are conditioned to act in certain ways in order to feel loved and accepted. This is the beginning of our loss of personal power and authenticity.

    In order to create change, we will need to recondition our beliefs by discovering what is really true for us. (more…)

  • Letting Go and Moving On: Lessons from an Orange Tree

    Letting Go and Moving On: Lessons from an Orange Tree

    “Don’t let today’s disappointments cast a shadow on tomorrow’s dreams.” ~Unknown

    For the past few days, I have been thinking about my orange tree. Every year, we ignore it completely, and it generously gives us bounteous amounts of sweet oranges. It is so very forgiving of our utter lack of support.

    Yet this year, the oranges are bitter; even the squirrels toss them away.

    Right now, the tree has oranges on the branches and fresh new blooms all over it, as well. I guess we should pick the oranges to make room for the new, but it hasn’t been on the to-do list yet.

    What keeps occurring to me is the faith of this twenty-year-old tree. It doesn’t seem to be in mourning for the bitter oranges. It is filled with optimism about the future—abundant with sweet smelling blossoms.

    I believe it isn’t questioning what it did wrong or blaming us for not being better stewards. It is just living, moving forward, and being a tree, preparing for the sweet fruit to come.

    What a lesson this is for me. How often I have given all of my focus to my “bitter oranges.” How easy it has been to hold tightly to the times I have felt misunderstood, unsupported, unseen. I’ve dissected every membrane of each orange, looking for reasons, for answers, for justification.

    A business relationship that failed, broken apart by different expectations and a lack of honest communication. A family relationship frayed by differing values. A friend who discounts my viewpoint. I have so tightly held to my hurt, my indignation, my shame. I filled my basket with these bitter oranges and carried them with me everywhere I traveled. A heavy load, indeed.

    I have not noticed that all around me are new blooms, ready to make new oranges. I could not see the possibilities of new relationships, based on what I had learned from the past.

    I could not separate my love for my family from my feelings of being seen as wrong. I didn’t meet the new friends, ready to offer support and fun; I was too busy being wounded—holding my bitter oranges. I have not noticed that there are so many more new blooms than there is bitter fruit.

    The bitter oranges are history, and who really cares? The sweet white soft buds of beginnings are the future and that is what I choose to care about. Their soft perfumed fragrance calls to me and lifts my spirit, reminding me of delicious things still to come.

    I’m so glad I have such a sage living in my back yard, ready to teach. I just need to be quiet and listen. And maybe honor it by removing the bitter oranges!

    Photo by Ronnie Mcdonald

  • 10 Happiness Tips for Busy People: How to Reclaim Your Joy

    10 Happiness Tips for Busy People: How to Reclaim Your Joy

    “Life is what happens while you are making other plans.” ~John Lennon

    I am someone who enjoys doing a lot of different things, and yet I don’t always enjoy being busy. Sometimes when my schedule gets full, I feel almost as if I’ve lost a part of me.

    Just like some people become codependent in relationships, I can be codependent with work. When it has my attention, everything else can easily fall to the wayside—my social life, my hobbies, you name it.

    It’s all too easy to get caught up in a riptide of doing without ever evaluating what you’re sacrificing, why, and if it’s actually in your best interest.

    Sometimes it is worth it, though you might need to make minor adjustments to enjoy the journey more. Other times you need to make major changes to experience the happiness you might think you’re chasing.

    Here’s what I’ve been doing to ensure my busy-ness doesn’t compromise my happiness:

    1. Assess just how busy you’re willing to be.

    Research indicates that a key indicator of happiness is the distance between the hours you’d like to work and the hours you actually do. If you don’t want to work more than forty hours per week because you have a hobby you’re passionate about, but you’re working over three hours more than that, you will inevitably feel dissatisfied.

    In some cases, this may be beyond your control. If you just can’t afford your mortgage unless you push yourself, that’s one thing. But sometimes you do have a choice; you just think it’s too difficult to make it. Downsizing or moving into a new place may seem like an unnecessary hassle, but it’s worth the uncomfortable transition if it allows you to do with your time as you’d like. (more…)

  • How to Find Happiness through Purpose in 3 Natural Steps

    How to Find Happiness through Purpose in 3 Natural Steps

    “The person who lives life fully, glowing with life’s energy, is the person who lives a successful life.” ~Daisaku Ikeda

    In everything we do, we seek happiness. Or at least what we think will bring happiness.

    But this goal can often get us into trouble. It’s how you find yourself in a career that doesn’t represent you, consuming things lacking real value, and living a life that misses its impact on the world.

    Most of the things we think create happiness don’t.

    We get caught in a spiral and life suddenly becomes a race to be won instead of a game to be played and enjoyed. Our focus on ‘success,’ as society calls it, blurs our more important intangibles of life—our relationships and experiences.

    The fear (and sad reality for many) is that we wake up thirty years from now, stressed, unhealthy, and unfulfilled, wondering what on earth happened to those wonderful dreams we once dared to dream.

    I’ll tell you what happened: We fell into the trap of being what others felt we should be as opposed to who we were meant to be. Others’ dreams became ours, only to realize they never mattered to us in the first place. We adopted the world’s definition of success instead of understanding and pursing our own.

    Well, there is good news. No matter when you wake up to this reality, it is never too late to take a stand and travel down that fresh path.

    In all of my experience as a friend, writer, husband, personal freedom coach, and citizen of the world, I’ve learned that there is nothing more consistent with unhappiness than spending your time in a way that doesn’t serve who you are. And to the contrary, there is no more profound source of fulfillment and happiness than knowing you are traveling your own path and making the dent in the world you know you’re capable of.

    The Simple Answer to Lasting Happiness: Living Your Purpose

    While purpose is a nice concept that is often overused in the personal development space, it can be a lot to sink your teeth into. It’s one thing to believe in the idea but an entirely different one to vicerally experience and live it.

    Until you find your own life path, you will forever be trying to follow someone else’s. The inauthenticity will eat you up. Without a path, your true potential will be lost. But to confidently begin the journey, you must better know the traveler—you. (more…)

  • 5 Ways to Push Through Discomfort to Make Positive Change

    5 Ways to Push Through Discomfort to Make Positive Change

    “Don’t let today’s disappointments cast a shadow on tomorrow’s dreams.” ~Unknown

    One of the most difficult parts of reaching your goals or making positive change is pushing through discomfort.

    This is where a lot of people give up—when the process inspires all kinds of challenging feelings.

    If you’ve quit your day job to pursue your passion and after six months you need to sell your car to keep going, a cubicle may appeal to your need for security.

    If you’d like to get your masters degree but received rejection letters for the fall, your ego might tell you not to reapply.

    If you’d love to let someone into your life but you’re afraid of being hurt, you may bail at the first sign of conflict.

    Maybe your will is strong enough to clear emotional hurdles without flinching; but odds are, you’re at least a little familiar with that nagging inner voice that says, “Go back. It’s too hard. It’s not worth it.”

    Except it is. According to the video 212 degrees, the margin of victory for the last ten years in the Indy 500 has been 1.54 seconds. The margin of victory in all major golf tournaments in the last twenty-five years was only three strokes.

    The day you give up could easily be three strokes before you succeed. Even if your future doesn’t unfold exactly as you’d planned, you’ll never regret what you become through the process of following your bliss.

    Now it’s just about how. How do you separate yourself from your fears so they don’t sabotage your efforts? How do silence that inner voice and force yourself to keep taking step, after step, after step? Here’s what I’m working on now: (more…)

  • Feel. Focus. Flow.

    Feel. Focus. Flow.

    “This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival” ~Rumi

    Not more than half an hour ago, I was, in a very typical fashion, struggling and getting frustrated trying to gather my thoughts for this post. I could even feel the tension in my shoulders clawing its way up to my neck (over a blog?).

    Even as I took a shower, I was scrubbing the shampoo into my hair so hard because I was in a rush and had so many other thoughts whizzing round in my head! I was well and truly unconscious, going through the motions.

    I’ve noticed recently that I do that a lot. I exist, rather than live. I do, rather than experience.

    Going through the motions is such a mammoth waste. As a human being, I have a vast amount of potential, ability, and creativity that I don’t even know about yet.

    I can even do something “basic” like choose to take a feeling of stress, and transmute it into love, humility or peace in the blink of an eye if I so choose. I can perform alchemy at any given moment, yet so often I unconsciously choose to get caught up managing my own life. I am, and always have been at my core, an alchemist.

    Thinking about it in that way puts a whole new perspective on my life. So often I spend so much time thinking about the past or the future. I worry, think, and try to focus first before forgetting about my most powerful, awe-inspiring organ: my heart. (more…)

  • Compassionate Boundaries: Saying No Without Guilt

    Compassionate Boundaries: Saying No Without Guilt

    “Some people think it’s holding that makes one strong–sometimes it’s letting go.” ~Unknown

    Today I’ve been thinking about fences, I guess as a metaphor for boundaries in life. There are many different kinds of fences, but that they all have the same purpose: creating a boundary.

    Whether it’s a sweet white picket fence with roses or the electrified chain fencing at a federal prison, what it signifies is a line drawn in the sand. This is either a starting place or a stopping point, depending on your point of view.

    Creating boundaries has always been a challenge for me. Until now, maybe still, I have needed to use anger to build my fences, to re-enforce my boundaries.

    I recently became so angry with a family member that the anger seemed totally disproportionate to the deed. But I felt invaded, used, taken advantage of. I accused, I shouted, I slammed out the door. Nothing like being really, really mad to build a very solid fence.

    But the effect on my body was like hauling the heavy cement blocks into place and then pounding them into their position. It took a huge toll, not to even begin to mention the effect this had on my emotions and on my spirit.

    After my “anger fence” was firmly in place, I was exhausted; muscles rigid with residual fury, unable to even appreciate the fence so firmly planted. Yes, I had created a very defined boundary, but at what great cost, both to myself and to my family? (more…)

  • Finding Joy in Frustrating, Routine Activities

    Finding Joy in Frustrating, Routine Activities

    “The greatest obstacle to connecting with our joy is resentment.” ~Pema Chodron

    Today, I hopped in the company van for a trip I make once a week with one of two primary clients. In the mental health division of my company, driving is a requirement. Most of the clients don’t drive, and they need coordinated transportation to and from their appointments and leisure activities.

    This particular woman goes to visit her husband weekly because she hopes to live with him when recovering from her mental health diagnosis. I’ve been taking her on this trip for several months now, and it’s a two-hour round trip ride.

    I usually fill this trip with aggressive, speedy driving and impatience at every red light. I pass the time with work-related conversations, both to ensure I drive safely and to address work-related issues with this client.

    This time, however, I chose a different route, and I’m not referring to the roads.

    First, I thought of a recent conversation I had about hating driving. I enjoy all other aspects of my job, but work-related driving bothers me because the clientele controls everything about it. They choose the radio stations, the route to drive, and the time to leave; and they frequently make impromptu requests to other locations, sometimes in a dangerous way.

    Next, although somber sounding, I started thinking about people who have passed away. (more…)

  • Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda

    Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda

    “The saddest summary of life contains three descriptions: could have, might have, and should have.” ~Unknown

    This is a phrase that had become a central theme in my life. One night, during one of my all too frequent bouts of insomnia, I sat at my computer and decided to write about my discontent, my middle aged angst.

    I have no idea where the words came from, but once I typed the first sentence it was like a river overflowing its banks. Turns out, this was the key, the cure for my crisis. Yes, I am forty-two and a walking cliché, a woman on the edge, a burned out physician whose career has become all consuming.

    I have always been an artist at heart. Nothing moves me more than music, art, books, anything that is the product of the creative process. I actually had dreams of being a theatre performer. But for whatever reason I never believed I had enough talent.

    No, my lot in life was passionate bystander. So of course I went to medical school. This was a perfect way to please my parents, to defend against financial insecurity, to prove to anyone in doubt that I was indeed intelligent and successful.

    See, the thing is I took a path that seemed right at the time—and who wouldn’t want a career chosen by a seventeen-year-old kid?! I followed all the rules. I listened to my parents; I behaved myself and embarked on a life that was clearly meant for someone else. (more…)

  • Childhood Dreams That Are Attainable Now

    Childhood Dreams That Are Attainable Now

    “A man is not old until regrets take the place of his dreams.” ~Proverb

    Something beautiful just occurred to me.

    I spend so much time stressing over my future adult achievements—a good career, a home for life, getting published, an adult relationship, possibly a kid and a large dog—that I don’t often revel in the things that seven-year-old me would have been stoked about.

    How many of us do?

    I try to treat my inner child with something every week, like painting, playing with my cat, or indulging in some candy—a very rare thing! But I don’t often think of achieving the dreams I had as a kid.

    You know the type: ride your bike as fast as you can without coming off, climb to the top of that tree, make a mud pie that your parents would be totally happy for you to drag into the house.

    Those things seem absurdly simple now, which is all the more reason to embrace and celebrate them as adults. Here are some of my childhood dreams that I’ve reached, experience on a regular basis, or still hope to fulfill: (more…)

  • The Magic of Making Mistakes: 3 Tips to Lead an Exciting Life

    The Magic of Making Mistakes: 3 Tips to Lead an Exciting Life

    Leaping

    “The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.” ~Elbert Hubbard

    This year has been a massive change for me. I had enough of the lameness that was freezing my previous life. Always experiencing the same days, meeting the same people, and doing the same things. Over and over again. Enough!

    I did a complete 180-turn.

    I changed the way I perceive mistakes and that made all the difference. My life is now more exciting than ever. I meet awesome people and do awesome things.

    Making mistakes has been the life changing magic that I was lacking before.

    Here are my three vibrant tips that will drastically change the way you perceive mistakes: (more…)

  • Approaching the Site’s 1-Year Anniversary (Giveaways!)

    Approaching the Site’s 1-Year Anniversary (Giveaways!)

    Buddha

    It’s a pretty exciting week in Tiny Buddha world. Several months back, I decided to have Tiny Buddha redesigned.

    Well, we decided.  There is an amazing man named Joshua Denney who has done a lot of work on the site.

    It’s through his passion, expertise, and hard work that we’ll have a completely new design at the end of this week.

    One of the reasons I’m excited to launch the new site this week is that Thursday is the site’s one-year anniversary.

    With that in mind, I’ve decided to do a few things:

    1. Conduct a series of book giveaways leading up to the anniversary/redesign.

    2. Highlight some of the milestones from the first year’s journey.

    3. Share some of the most popular posts from the year past. (more…)

  • Learning and Unlearning: A Journey of Self-Acceptance

    Learning and Unlearning: A Journey of Self-Acceptance

    Sitting by the Water

    “What you are is what you have been. What you’ll be is what you do now.” ~Buddha

    A teacher of mine once said, “Don’t show up as the person you think you are. Show up as the person you want to be.”

    A powerful statement, but I didn’t know who I wanted to be. Even if I did, I wasn’t sure if I could pull it off.

    I knew who I didn’t want to be: self-critical, self-conscious, and always focusing on my shortcomings. I wanted to learn how to get out of my own way.

    For a long time, I thought improving my external situation by becoming richer, thinner, and smarter meant that I was learning. Not to say that accomplishing those things isn’t learning. However, in that cycle I wasn’t learning, but repeating the same story.

    I kept trying to get from A to Z by pushing myself and always expected my results to meet my expectations. And the vicious cycle continued. I thought I’m not good enough; I’m pathetic and I’ll never get it right.

    Ironically, my desire to learn continued to work against me. (more…)

  • 5 Ways to Find Your Balance

    5 Ways to Find Your Balance

    “Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance, order, rhythm and harmony.” ~Thomas Merton

    The yoga class I attended yesterday included a number of balance posts, from simple tree pose to a “floating” ardha chandrasana. I am not certain why, but I was struggling to find a steady balance on one side.

    I arrived late feeling flustered, and my mind was spinning and worrying as we worked our way into the flow. I had to struggle to make my gaze steady, and I was starting to beat myself up for the wobbling on my left leg.

    Then I had a realization: This is really the whole point of balancing poses, if not yoga itself. The point is simply to be with yourself, no matter where you are at that moment. Or, as Thich Nhat Hanh said, “Smile, breathe, and go slowly.”

    Later, I thought a lot about balance and how we are always trying to find it in our lives. I talk with patients about it almost every day, and no one seems to feel they have it under control. (more…)

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Risks

    Tiny Wisdom: On Risks

    “It’s not because things are difficult that we dare not venture. It’s because we dare not venture that they are difficult.” ~Seneca

    Taking the path of least resistance actually requires a lot of resistance. It’s human nature to want to soar! To venture out, explore the world, expand ourselves and our minds and live with passion, enthusiasm, and abandon.

    You might be doing that already, whatever that means to you. Or you may be containing yourself into a safe, predictable box, assuming everything outside it is far beyond your reach.

    It’s not—it’s not nearly as far away as you think.

    We’d be kidding ourselves if we pretended the world is without obstacles; but we’d be cheating ourselves if we didn’t acknowledge a lot of them are in our heads.

    Today, dare beyond your self-imposed limitations. It’s a lot easier to venture out of your comfort zone when you decide to stop fighting yourself.

    Photo by Wonderlane

  • On Fearing Change: When It’s Time to Take a Leap of Faith

    On Fearing Change: When It’s Time to Take a Leap of Faith

    Barcelona

    “Don’t fear failure so much that you refuse to try new things. The saddest summary of life contains three descriptions: could have, might have, and should have.” ~Unknown

    There are two basic human emotions that are the driving force behind each thought, each daily inspiration, and that rare but pivotal new-chapter, life-changing decision. Those things are fear and love.

    The funny thing, however, is that they are intertwining forces. In order to feel passionately about something, fear and love must coexist.

    One year ago I made what some people would consider an irrational decision. I had a great job, a flexible boss, and rainbow-colored work walls, to boot.

    I had a circle of close-knit, happy-hour-loving girlfriends who brought overflowing amounts of joy and adventure to my life. Together we’d paint Los Angeles red, fly to Chicago on a “girls’ trip” whim, and celebrate each other’s birthdays in Las Vegas.

    Within our friendly beach-side neighborhood were my favorite Thai restaurant, faithful yoga studio, and the best omelet breakfast spot within a five miles radius of each other. My adoring family was a short one-hour Southwest flight away, so I could always access TLC from mom and dad.

    I was comfortable, I was happy, but most of all I was where everyone wants to be—safe. (more…)

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Appreciation

    Tiny Wisdom: On Appreciation

    “Appreciation is an excellent thing. It makes what is excellent in others belong to us, as well.” -Voltaire

    There’s work to do. And things to accomplish. And places to get to. And people to please.

    There’s futures to create. And pasts to forget. And an endless string of days full of hours to be filled. We often spend then running, fantasizing, or waiting, hoping it eventually turns into something good enough. Something worth valuing, something worth appreciating, something worth enjoying.

    If we’re not deliberate, we can easily live life hopping from distraction to distraction, biding our time for something better. The truth is, there is nothing better. This is life, in all it’s beauty and possibility—in the present moment. Life never happens in any other time.

    Today, choose to marvel, bask, and celebrate the beautiful things and people around you. There will always be something in your life you’d rather avoid or escape. The place you’re trying to get to, though, lives and breathes right here, right now.

    photo by jaitra.gillespie

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Understanding

    Tiny Wisdom: On Understanding

    “Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” ~Paul Boese

    Sometimes resentment and anger may seem involuntary, like reactions you have to indulge for a length of time proportionate to how badly you were wronged. It might even feel like your anger is a justified retaliation, and you’d be weak if you let it go.

    The irony is that after we’ve been hurt, we choose to continue hurting ourselves. Bitterness never feels good, no matter where it’s rooted.

    Psychologists suggest that when other people make mistakes, we tend to assign them character flaws (i.e.: he’s selfish, or she doesn’t care who she hurts) whereas when we make mistakes, we more frequently cite external causes (i.e.: I’ve been overworked, or I haven’t been getting enough sleep.)

    It’s almost as though we’re willing to let ourselves off the hook because we have to live with ourselves, but when it comes to other people we’re quick to condemn and slow to forget.

    You might not be able to forget what happened yesterday, but you can choose not to let it suffocate today. We all have character flaws and we’re all affected by external causes. Today if you have a hard time forgiving, ask yourself this question: do you want to feel bitter or better?

    photo by gautsch.

  • Punished By Anger

    Punished By Anger

    “You will not be punished for your anger; you will be punished by your anger.” ~Buddha

    I went camping recently, something that I was really looking forward to, but I didn’t last long. Due to health conditions, my friend and I had to abandon camp at three in the morning because the cold got to me in a big way.

    This awful experience has left me feeling dejected and rather ashamed of myself. Who the hell can’t manage a couple of nights camping? I’m being too hard on myself, but the point is I’m feeling angry.

    You know what that whole anger thing is like:

    Your kid goes over the other side of town with friends when you’ve asked them not to because you don’t want them to get hurt. Your sister borrows your favorite top and spills wine down it, then hides it back in your wardrobe. Your best friend nails that promotion after saying she wouldn’t apply because she knew you were desperate for it.

    There are countless situations in our lives that can give rise to anger. It’s up to us to recognize them and do something about it before it gets out of hand.

    I admit it: I am an angry person. How angry you ask? (more…)