Tag: wisdom

5 Reasons It’s OK to Not Know What the Future Holds

“The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the amount of uncertainty you can comfortably deal with.” ~Tony Robbins

We spend a lot of time in life not knowing.

There are a lot of things that we’re comfortable not knowing. Not knowing a stranger’s name. Not knowing our credit card number or a friend’s address. Not knowing the capital of Vermont.

We’re comfortable with these things because we know there are answers. Even if we have to get on our smartphones for few minutes to find them, we know these things are all facts that actually exist.

But there are lots of other things that we really want to know, like if our decision is going to be the right one, or if a job is going to work out, or if we’re about to be laid off.

What is the best use of my life? What is my mission? These things are unanswerable. There are many things that we simply can’t know.

And while we think it would be nice to know these things, to know the future, I’m here to tell you it’s really not the case. Even if we could know these things, we’re actually better off not knowing them.

Last year, I took a new job in sales. It was a big change for me. I’d been in consulting and legal practice the rest of my career, and while part of my past work had been around growing relationships and coming up with ideas for new projects, I’d never taken a job where I was a “sales guy,” where I would be evaluated solely on my “number.”

When I took the job, I was given a quota that, if I met it, would mean a significant increase in my pay. I was also told that I’d be groomed for greater responsibilities, that I was seen as a likely future member of senior management.

The company has some cutting edge ways of looking at health care expenses and we help millions of people live better, healthier lives. It was a mission that I enthusiastically signed up for.

This is what has happened since:

The company has been through three major restructurings. Several of my peers, including the two people who brought me in for grooming, have either quit or been let go.

The market has dried up for our services, even as we were able to prove their effectiveness with randomized controlled trials. There have been virtually no new sales. This means that I have taken a substantial pay cut and have had to dip into my savings to meet my expenses.

The company has made almost no progress on new offerings, and several current clients have left. There is some encouraging talk of new partnerships and capabilities, but these will take months to implement.

I sold nothing last year and am unlikely to sell much this year. And the most enthusiastic advocates for my development within the organization are gone.

Now the question is had I known all that, would I have taken the job? And the answer is almost certainly no.

But that would have been a big mistake—because I’ve learned so much. (more…)

September 18, 2011
How to Move through Shame, Fear, and Regret
“If you are never scared, embarrassed, or hurt, it means you never take chances.” ~Julia Soul

The moment comes when you are on your knees.

You are filled with a knowing that there is something better. There is a life for you that you are not living, and you are ready to live it.

I call this the moment of awakening—the moment when you hear your soul’s cry for the next step in its evolution. You are ready to live your fullest expression.

Anais Nin said it best, “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

For me, this looked like a crazy, dysfunctional relationship with food and the feeling that I was spiraling out of control. I was literally stuffing down my truest, most authentic self, and I felt lost and off my path. I was filled with a pain that I didn’t understand that I realized came from the void of not living my purpose.

A whisper that I had been ignoring for far too long finally spoke a little louder and said, “You are here for more than this.” It came as a feeling and awareness all throughout my body.

For you, it may feel like you’re stuck in a never-ending cycle, one that keeps you from feeling whole and fulfilled. It’s a sense that something is missing, and you are ready to break free. You realize that your deepest desire is to improve your life and fill that greater vision for yourself.

Often this feeling comes with a sense of determination, which can quickly turn into paralysis and feelings of:
- Fear of the unknown and of judgment
- Shame for where you’re at and for needing help
- Regret of your past choices
These feelings are natural and normal, and there is absolutely no reason to let them stop you. (more…)
September 15, 2011
The Art of Ambivalence: Not Knowing Can Be a Good Thing

“The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the amount of uncertainty you can comfortably deal with.” ~Tony Robbins

I drive my wife nuts. She has absolutely no trouble deciding how she feels or what she likes and dislikes. For me, those decisions don’t come easily.

She loves comparing notes with people about their favorite movie, favorite dessert, you name it. I can never pick just one. When someone asks me what I think, the answer’s almost always some version of “It all depends.”

This puts me at a disadvantage when my wife and I argue. Not only is she quite certain of her position; she always seems to have an arsenal of facts at hand to defend it. Pondering where to even start my response, I used to feel my only option was just to give in.

I’d rationalize, well okay, if you’re so sure and I can’t make up my mind, it must be more important to you, so what the heck, you win. Alas, the story of my life!

For Every Answer, a Question

Don’t get me wrong; I really envy my wife for her clarity of thought. I wish I could make decisions without first having to let facts and feelings percolate for a while. I wish I could be sure enough about an issue to be willing to go to bat it.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve seen this reticence as a handicap. But in the past decade or so, at last, I’ve found a way to free myself of that burden—I’ve decided it’s actually a strength.

After all, I’m thinking, isn’t the world a more interesting place when the conversation doesn’t necessarily end at one person’s version of the truth?

Wouldn’t life be dull if there weren’t for every ideologue, a skeptic; for every answer, a question; for every teacher, a student?

I realize I can’t stop being the student. And that’s okay.

Learning’s a funny thing. For some people, it’s clearly the means to an end. You learn so you can know; you know so you don’t have to listen to anyone any more.

Not me. The more I learn, the more certain I am that I don’t know everything. I guess you could say asking questions is more important to me than being right.

Giving myself permission to be ambivalent has been liberating. Ironically, it seems to have actually emboldened my thinking in a way. (more…)

September 14, 2011
Career Transitions: How to Cope with the In-Between Stage

“If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking.” ~Proverb

If you’re a passionate person with goals for your life, you’ve probably been at the “in between” stage more than a few times. This is the stage when you’ve identified your goals, broken them down, identified steps to reach them, and started on that plan—but you’re not yet seeing the fruits of your labor.

Ambitious and excited at the goal-setting stage, you embarked on this path with a vision in front of you. Now you’re in the throes of it—or maybe waiting on the sidelines for the next step. You are feeling frustrated and stuck, like you’re not making progress fast enough.

What else can you do aside from a. worrying, b. going over your plan again and again, and c. feeling like a mouse on a wheel?

The good news is that if you’re at the waiting stage, you’ve surpassed a major milestone. Often the hardest part of goal-setting is identifying what you want in a clear, specific manner. Visualizing your end goal is a lot of work in itself. But once you’ve done your homework, all that work can feel like a waiting game.

I’m in the “in between” stage in my career right now, and I have been for a few months.

I earned my MBA over a period of three years while working full-time in marketing within the financial services industry. Previously, I worked in entry-level and junior positions. I thought having an advanced degree would make it a lot easier to climb the corporate ladder, starting with a management position.

When I graduated, I felt hopeful about my prospects, but the job search has not been as easy as I thought it would be. I’ve had some phone and in-person interviews, but none for a job I really wanted.

I’ve reworked my resume, sought out career counselors, networked with everyone I know, and I’ve always had the “what do you do” small talk at the tip of my tongue at parties. I’ve listed my strengths, likes and dislikes, favorite companies, and important contacts. I’ve set aside time on my calendar every day for applications, networking, and follow-up efforts.

Recently, I was starting to feel like I was just spinning my wheels. I thought I was doing all I could do, but nothing seemed to be working out, and that was frustrating. Now that I was ready, I wanted something to happen immediately. I took the time and put in the effort—where was it already?! Something should have been happening. (more…)

September 13, 2011
Get Started on Your Dream: Clear the 5 Most Daunting Hurdles

“There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting.” ~Buddha

A decade or so ago, when I was twenty, I was supposed to settle into an “arranged marriage,” a common concept in India. I would never have known what it means to be financially independent, to go after my passions, and to be true to myself.

Until then, I had only wished to have a career—to go to a big city, live independently, and explore my identity. But those were merely daydreams. I had accepted that in my community, girls are married off after graduation, and whatever they want to make of their lives, they do it after marriage.

Though I had accepted that reality, I wasn’t at peace with it. I still dreamed of pursuing higher studies in a field that was my passion and forte: Mass Communication. The institute I aspired to attend would take no more than forty students per subject and no less than the crème de la crème of the country.

It was only prudent that I brush the dream under the carpet, because, even if I tried, it seemed unlikely. Also, I didn’t have any time to prepare for an exam like this, which was a month away, and I couldn’t take the exam the following year. My family wouldn’t wait “that long” to see me married.

I realized this might have been my only chance to shape my life as I visualized it. I had a month to prepare for this high-profile exam. Those thirty days could determine the next thirty years of my life.

I wondered, “What would happen if I put every single grain of my brain, my heart, my soul, my blood, and my bones into this one dream?” And then I found out!

My fears gave way to determination, a sense of purpose replaced my complacency, and my day dreams faded as I adopted a “now or never” sense of urgency.

Today, I am so proud of myself that I dared to make that attempt, against all odds. I did not resign to my fate, and as a result, I made it into the top forty league of students at my dream school, where I pursued my passion. Those thirty days changed my life forever. (more…)

September 12, 2011
Love the Adventure of Life: 3 Ways to Enjoy Everything More
“Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.” ~Helen Keller

Ever since I can remember I liked to travel. It does something to me, something strange and oddly uncharacteristic: I am suddenly very laid back.

When I travel I’ve got the right mind-set. I know I will stand in lines, have to schlep heavy bags, or perhaps have delays. I know that I will be eating at restaurants for the first time, without knowing if I will like them.

At home, when I am stressed out and worried, my mind likes to give me lists of things to do that I can’t keep up with. It juts me way out into the future, compels me to question myself, and stops me from being present with the task at hand.

The trick for me is to do one of the following:
- Not believe my mind
- Acknowledge it, and then put my attention on something else
- Remember how much I like traveling
When I travel, I expect the unexpected and have faith in the fact that things will not always go my way. This is part of the whole adventure.

I often wonder when traveling with my husband if he thinks to himself, “Who the hell is this person?” He must wonder it because I wonder it myself.

Travel is just the most obvious place for me to accept that I do not have control. I relax because I realize I never have control over anything anyway, so why not anticipate or even marvel at the ways my vacation may be going “wrong”? (more…)
September 11, 2011
5 Simple but Powerful Choices for Pure Peace and Contentment

“Until you make peace with who you are, you will never be content with what you have.” ~Doris Mortman

Every day I chat with a friend and he always asks, “How are you?” This isn’t the superficial greeting we often give to an acquaintance in passing. He really wants to know, and I usually oblige with an honest snapshot of how my life is at the moment.

I began to notice that my answers contained words like “quiet,” “peaceful,” and “content.” Could this be the elusive happiness that I spend so much energy and time to achieve? And could it have settled subtly on my shoulder like a shy butterfly while I was busy with my life?

I am constantly reading and analyzing how I can make my short time on earth better. In general, life is good. But like many people, I often fall into the trap of trying to do too much, be too much, and painstakingly pick myself apart for being human.

I took some time to reflect what changes I had made over the last few months that would have opened me to a feeling of pure contentment. By contentment, I simply mean I feel fine and secure with what I have, what I am, and where I am going right at this moment. I know things can change, but I feel now is perfect.

Here are the five things I identified that led me to find a harmony within, however fleeting.

1. Show humility.

I live in Florida, where the housing market is especially broken. The loss of tourism, the NASA space program, and other economic hardships here have caused many friends to lose their homes to foreclosure. I am reminded everyday to be grateful for things such as a house I love and the ability to share with my children.

When I sweep my floors, I think, “I feel thankful to have what I have and the joy to taking care of it.” It sounds funny, but many boring household chores are what others would wish for. These chores are a service to my family and a healthy dose of humbleness for my soul.

2. Recognize enough.

With practice, and gentle reminders from those I respect, I have finally accepted my true life is happening right now. I celebrate the accomplishments and good things as they happen and avoid looking ahead too far for more of the same.

Going slowly and enjoying the journey is “life.” Rushing the moment can take such fun out of the anticipation. Expectations can lead to disappointment, but accepting what I have been given now is contentment.

If right now is painful for you, try thinking, “I’m growing,” instead of “I’m hurting.” It’s pain and discomfort that causes us to move. Sometimes the move is necessary and beneficial overall.

I repeat the mantra “I have what I need” often to remind me that now is not just enough, but a blessing.

3. Simplify life.

Give up what you don’t need and be glad you did. So many things can fall into this category. Material things take space and energy to maintain. Toxic relationships tax our positivism and peacefulness. Worry and despair over things we cannot change rob our sense of well being.

Very few things in life are a real crisis. Those that are cannot be solved by worry but by deliberate and thoughtful actions. Take decisive action to cut out the things that complicate and thus rob you of true contentment.

I’ve begun to clear whole days on my calendar of planned events. These are free days that I can spend with my family spontaneously.

4. Have real fun.

Regret can be a mood killer. We often take the serious and over-analyzed road when making decisions. It’s good to be responsible; it’s also good to take a chance even if it entails a big mistake.

I went to Las Vegas once and really wanted to try a live poker tournament. I chickened out and instead watched a friend try it. It is something I still wish I had pushed myself to do.

Is a card game a life or death situation? No. But I should have allowed myself the fun, and if the chance arises again, I’m on it! Respect your boundaries, but be open to experiences and challenges that offer a sense of peace.

5. Make room for quiet.

Whether you pray, meditate, listen to nature, or even just be, allow yourself to hear what’s in your heart. Connecting with what is inside better prepares you to deal with the exterior world with calmness and peace. Give up control and release yourself to thoughts and emotions that can heal, strengthen, and even surprise you.

Your inner voice often has something to say. You can best recognize that gut feeling that can act as a reliable compass once you turn off all the noisy, messy distracting sounds of life. I describe it as being “plugged in” to the positivity around me.

I am not all calmness and peace all the time. I have a full and often chaotic life with children and a job. But, with a few mindful adjustments, I have found a season of contentment, and for that my thankfulness abounds!

September 9, 2011
When Struggles Keep Reappearing: How to Learn the Lesson and Move On

“Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.” ~Pema Chodron

I’ve been self-employed for many years now. This is no accident. I’ve always liked to do things my own way. I like to arrange my diary in exactly the way I want to and make my own mind up about how I do things. I like to work without having to justify anything to a manager.

I’m not always comfortable in working relationships where the other person is “higher up” than me—when they’re in authority. You could say that I’m a teensy bit of a control-freak.

I used to work for a big corporation, and my relationships with my managers weren’t always easy. I was very critical of the way they did things, and if they criticized me I sometimes got very defensive. I learned a great deal from a couple of good managers, but I also spent a lot of time resenting being “told what to do.”

Recently, I decided to embark upon training to become a Buddhist minister. This involves having a “supervisor” who is responsible for my spiritual training, and who will ultimately be responsible for deciding whether or not I “make the grade” and ordain.

Last month, my supervisor asked me a question in an email and I felt immediately attacked and defensive. I felt annoyed. I complained to my friend. I sent her a long and rambling reply, outlining all the reasons why she shouldn’t be asking the question. We exchanged a few emails, and the situation got more and more confused.

I thought I’d managed to avoid conflict with people senior to me when I became self-employed. I didn’t have a manager anymore, so what was the problem?

The problem is that, as Pema Chodron says, nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know. (more…)

September 7, 2011
The Power of Change: How Leaving Home Can Bring You Home

“To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest.” -Pema Chodron

Seven years ago, I packed everything I owned into my little red Honda Civic and sold, gave away, or tossed whatever didn’t fit. I was 24 years old and I was on my way from Florida to Los Angeles to pursue the American Dream.

I was consumed with swirls of intense emotions—anxieties, excitement, fear, and joy, all mixing together in one little body. I was crossing the country on a new adventure, filled with hopes and dreams, seeking something I could not define or put into words.

These past seven years in Los Angeles have transformed me. I landed there so young, so innocent, and so lost, yet somehow I gained a sense of self that I never thought I would.

None of us gets a roadmap to inner peace and joy, but I’ve made one as I’ve gone. It hasn’t included fast or easy routes, but the journey has definitely been interesting so far.

When I headed to Los Angeles, I had Hollywood stars in my eyes. I was pretty certain I was supposed to be a famous actress, and I thought that would bring me happiness and clarity.

As I worked with various teachers at several acting schools, trying on different roles and character traits, I learned a lot about myself. I eventually realized that I wasn’t really interested in pursuing acting. I didn’t want to be authentic on stage; I wanted to create an authentic life. I wasn’t trying to step into a character. I was trying to step into myself.

I wanted to find my voice—to live on purpose and do something that made me feel passionate. I felt I had something to say, something to share, something within me that was asking for a fair shot at being expressed.

Acting played a huge role in my personal development in that it led me to understand what I really wanted. It taught me that to play a role, I must first know myself. It was the beginning of learning to live my life in alignment with my highest purpose and self.

Sometimes, what we think we are being called to do changes. Our intuitive feelings will guide us in a particular direction, but then we have to stay open in order to recognize when it’s time to redefine who we are and what we want. We need to remember that it’s okay to change direction if that’s where our intuition is pointing.

When we let go of outcomes about how things are “supposed to” unfold, we better allow ourselves to create a life filled with purpose and meaning. (more…)

September 6, 2011
4 Simple Tips for Confronting Someone Who Hurt You

“To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.” -Unknown

For many years I maintained a relationship that I was not happy with. I’m sure a lot of people have been there, or are there right now. I didn’t feel there was equality in the relationship; I always seemed to be the one giving, yet I consistently felt I was getting nothing out of it.

A close friend of mine asked me why I tolerated the behavior of the person in question.

As usual, a few excuses passed through my mind: the other person was going through a rough time; I felt I should be there for them; they probably wouldn’t respond to how I was feeling anyway, so I should strive to be the “better person.”

I let these excuses wear on for over a decade, until one day I realized I needed to make a change.

There was no point in silently wishing this person would be better, or hoping they would eventually acknowledge I deserved the same respect and support I gave them.

After more than ten years without change, I wondered what on earth I was expecting. Did I think this person would suddenly have an epiphany, maybe another ten years later? Gently, slowly, I started to realize that I had to do something I had never done.

I decided to confront them about it, without aggression or anger. The next time they treated me in a way that I thought was unacceptable, I would say something. I would let them know that they were being unfair or unkind. I wouldn’t try to sugar coat it—I would just be honest about how I felt.

The moment came and I said what I needed to say. I was willing to accept that they may never agree with me or apologize, but I had to be true to myself. I had to say something, with no expectations—just a commitment to stand up for myself when it was necessary.

“Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people.” ~Spencer Johnson

To my great surprise, I received an apology. I would have been okay without it—having come to the conclusion that purely standing up for my beliefs was enough for me—but the heartfelt apology made me realize how unnecessarily I had sacrificed myself and my needs. Since then, my relationship with this person has greatly improved. (more…)

September 5, 2011
Why Happiness Will Never Come To You

“The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; the wise grows it under his feet.” ~James Openheim

December 19, 2001: this will forever be written in history as the day I was pitied by a 90 year-old.

I was holiday shopping at the mall, grimacing in pain with each step I took. “One… two… three…” I counted my steps, hoping to distract myself from the painful task before me: reaching the Bath and Body Works store roughly 300 yards ahead.

After several torturous minutes, I looked up. The store was still an oasis in the distance—perhaps a mirage in this vast desert-of-a-mall.

Had I even made any progress at all?

Just then I noticed a 90 year old man—stooped, shaky, and walking slowly as a turtle, like old men often do. To my absolute horror, the old man passed me with ease.

He turned around and spoke to me: “You OK? You aren’t looking so good.”

Tears of desperation welled up in my eyes.

“No,” I said. “No, not really.”

The reason for the old man’s pity? In a strange stroke of fate, I had been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis during my sophomore year of high school.

“You have a severe case,” the doctor had told me without a hint of empathy. She explained the science behind it: for unknown reasons, my immune system was recognizing my joints as foreign bodies and attacking them full-force.

I had always imagined that arthritis was some mildly annoying affliction that only affected old people. I unwillingly discovered that in my case, it was much more than just annoying— in fact, it was devastating. It felt as if I had a constant and never-ending war raging in my joints, as if I had badly sprained my knees, my wrists, and my elbows all at once, and all I could do was endure it.

“What did you do to your knees?” people would ask me with concern. I didn’t blame them for asking— my knees were inflamed and swollen to the size of ripe watermelons ready to burst.

“Nothing,” I answered truthfully.

My classmates were worried about getting their homework done or about who would ask them to homecoming. I was worried about whether I could walk down the halls without wincing in pain or whether I would even have the energy to get out of bed for the day. Things that were supposed to be easy became nearly impossible. Even tasks as simple as stepping into the shower and getting out of my desk after class were excruciating.

With tears in my eyes, I lamented in my never-ending misery. “If only I could feel normal again,” I cried, “I would be so unbelievably happy.”

Fast forward seven years, and my dream had somehow become a reality. As the years passed, my symptoms slowly decreased in severity until one day, for no apparent reason, they became nearly imperceptible. (more…)

September 5, 2011
Book Giveaway and Review: A Lamp in the Darkness
Update: The winners for this giveaway have already been chosen. Subscribe to Tiny Buddha for daily or weekly emails and to learn about future giveaways!

The 5 winners:
“Sometimes we have to go right into the fire in order to find our true healing.” ~Jack Kornfield

No matter who you are, no matter what you’ve accomplished, no matter how well you’ve planned, you will deal with challenges in life. We all will. And many times, they will hit us unexpectedly.

We will all lose things and people we love. We will all make mistakes and have to deal with their consequences. We will all experience the pain of declining health, either in our own blood and bones, or as a bystander to people we love.

When we feel hurt, or angry, or terrified, or weak, we often try to numb it in one way or another—sometimes because we’re afraid the pain will break us, and other times because we’re ashamed of just how fragile we are.

We may not always remember it, but we are simultaneously strong; and no matter how many times we break down, we can grow, heal, and prosper.

In his book, A Lamp in the Darkness: Illuminating the Path Through Difficult Times, Jack Kornfield helps us access our inner calm and wisdom to do just that.

I received this resource at a time when I couldn’t have needed it more. Doctors had just identified numerous large tumors and cysts in my body, and I was awaiting test results.

After initially responding with resistance and terror, I waded deep into hours of uncertainty, where I realized my deepest pain was coming from my fears, obsessive thoughts, and ensuing emotions. Luckily, I soon learned that I’m in no immediate danger, but I know there will be other times when threats will be real—not just for me, but for all of us.

In those moments, we will need to depend on our own capacity for equanimity, even if we feel powerless and scared. A Lamp in the Darkness guides us there.

A bestselling author and renowned spiritual teacher, Kornfield weaves poignant stories of surviving and thriving with simple guidance to help us understand and work through our suffering. (more…)
August 31, 2011
4 Key Questions to Feel Fully Fulfilled and Content

“The person who lives life fully, glowing with life’s energy, is the person who lives a successful life.” ~Daisaku Ikeda

More often than not when we want to create something new or different in our lives, our true yearning is not about what we want to do on the outside that will make us feel fulfilled and content, but a certain way we want to feel in ourselves.

That fancy car might give us a feeling of power, or esteem, or pride. That successful business might make us feel like we “arrived” or we are recognized. That trip to Nepal might make us feel like a world-class adventurer. Losing 10 pounds might make us feel more desired.

But ultimately what we are really searching for is a certain experience we want to have on the inside.

When I was younger, I wanted to be an actress. I wanted nothing more than to express my emotions on stage.

Looking back, I realize I was trying to gain self-esteem through receiving applause. But inside, I really felt I didn’t matter. My true inner calling was to be able to freely express my feelings. Acting gave me a safe container to do just that.

When I became a psychologist, I had a desire to help others through their emotional strife.

The truth is I got a Counseling Psychology Masters degree to know myself more and understand the makings of my own psychology. I was able to help others and learn more about myself.

The point is there is always an underlying reason why we want something. And the key to feeling fulfilled is to become aware of why we want that something in the first place.

What are you really looking for? Meaning, what is the way you want to experience your being within? (more…)

August 31, 2011
How to Ask for Help from People You Respect
I’m in the middle of self-publishing my first book. Ever since college, I dreamed of publishing my work and now I’m enjoying the reality of going for it.

For weeks, I’ve gathered testimonials. As you may know, they are powerful tools, especially when the people providing them are recognizable to the target reader.

My challenge: how do I get testimonials from all these people I respect? Well, I’ll tell you what I did and how I failed before I understood what worked best.

Asking

The first answer to how one gets help is “by asking.” Yes, some people miss that part by never trying.

Why is that? Why do we hold back from asking?

For me, there’s a lot of fear that comes up when I’m about to ask for help.
- What if they say “no” to my request?
- What if they ignore my request?
- What if they see my request as a waste of time?
And those are just my conscious thoughts. There’s a good chance my subconscious replaced the words “my request” in the statements above with “me.”
- What if they say “no” to me?
- What if they ignore me?
- What if they see me as a waste of time?
Sort of slaps the ego a bit harder—makes sense why we wouldn’t want to see it that way. Feels more painful, huh? (more…)
August 24, 2011
5 Steps to Push Through Fear

“Forget safety. Live where you fear to live. Destroy your reputation. Be notorious.” ~Rumi

This summer, I drove up Highway 5 from Los Angeles on my way to Grass Valley to visit my friend Carol, a painting teacher, for a week of painting in her studio. I can’t remember the last time I hit the road on my own for an eight-hour drive to nature.

I forgot what it was like to crank up the stereo listening to old tunes, straining my vocal cords to and singing full voice off key.

On my right, I saw semi trucks making deliveries from central California farms. I watched onion peels from the truck beds flit through the air like white winged butterflies. I saw tons of bright yellow lemons piled high, Italian tomatoes toppling onto one another, and potted trees tacked down by enormous tarps waving through the speeding air.

Passing Sacramento and getting off on Highway 49, I found myself driving on a straight two- lane road lined by dense tall cedar trees, into what seemed to be like the center of the earth. Carol calls this the “channel.” Hardly a store, restaurant, or gas station around. I couldn’t help but question my friend’s sudden move into such isolation.

Our plan was to go deep into the painting process, just the two of us, and I was excited for the immersion. Because of the heat, Carol said we’d paint in the morning and the evening, but in the afternoon we would hike to cool down in the Yuba River.

I’ve been a city girl for far too long and was embarrassed by my trepidation to go into the river.

I remember when I was nine swimming across the Mississippi headwaters at Lake Itasca in Northern Minnesota. I also remember the picture of me on my Mother’s desk—I was five, at Robbers Cave State Park in Oklahoma, stripped of all my clothes and crouching in the running cascades over river rocks, with arms held wide into the air.

I brought my bathing suit with me but Carol said I wouldn’t need it—it was Northern California after all.

“Naked?” I yelped.

“Yes, silly! No one but us will be there.” (more…)

August 21, 2011
Finding Beauty in Your Scars

“Because of your smile, you make life more beautiful.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

Beauty is a concept I struggle with—what it means, why it matters. I struggle because huge chunks of my life have not been beautiful. They have been ugly, marred by trauma, with pain, and anger.

We think of beauty and often visualize glossy magazine pages and wafer thin models. We see beauty as superficial—eye color, hair texture, and numbers on a scale. We see beauty as something to be measured and weighed.

I don’t see beauty that way. I see beauty as the grace point between what hurts and what heals, between the shadow of tragedy and the light of joy. I find beauty in my scars.

We all have scars, inside and out. We have freckles from sun exposure, emotional trigger points, broken bones, and broken hearts.

However our scars manifest, we need not feel ashamed but beautiful.

It is beautiful to have lived, really lived, and to have the marks to prove it. It’s not a competition—as in “My scar is better than your scar”—but it’s a testament of our inner strength.

It takes nothing to wear a snazzy outfit well, but to wear our scars like diamonds? Now that is beautiful.

Fifteen years ago, I would have laughed at this assertion.

“Are you crazy?” I’d say, while applying lipstick before bed. I was that insecure, lips stained, hair fried by a straightening iron, pores clogged by residue foundation, all in an attempt to be different from how I naturally was, to be beautiful for someone else.

I covered my face to hide because it hurt to look at myself in the mirror. I was afraid my unbeautiful truth would show somehow through my skin—that people would know I had been abused, that I as a result was starving myself, harming myself in an effort to cope. I was afraid people would see that I was clinging to life by a shredding thread.

Now? I see scars and I see stories. I see a being who has lived, who has depth, who is a survivor. Living is beautiful. Being a part of this world is beautiful, smile-worthy, despite the tears.

Beauty isn’t a hidden folder full of Kate Moss images for a kid dying to forget and fit in, a lifted face, a fat injected smile, or six-pack abs. It is the smile we are born with, the smile that sources from the divine inside, the smile that can endure, even if we’ve been through a lot.

Emotional pain is slow to heal, as I have been slow to heal. My healing started with a word I received as a birthday gift. It was a photograph my friend took of a forest, the word “forgive” painted in pink on a stone. I didn’t understand why that word meant something until I really started to think about it.

I blamed myself for so long for things that weren’t my fault. Life stopped being beautiful to me, I stopped feeling beautiful inside, and my smile stopped shining beauty out into the world.

I think in order for us to make life beautiful we need to feel our smiles as we feel our frowns. (more…)

August 18, 2011
How to Help Someone Feel Loved and Understood

“The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.” ~Ralph Nichols

Did you know that one in ten U.S adults suffer from depression? (This is according to the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention.) How do I know? I was one of them. Starting in 2008, I suffered from depression for more than a year.

Many factors contributed to my depression. Of course loneliness and lack of social support were the obvious factors, but the major contributor was that I didn’t feel understood. It was a transition year for me, as I had left my corporate job to find more meaningful work that was aligned with my core values.

With the time off, I started feeling and sensing how much past pain and resentments I had stored inside my heart. It was like the quieter I got, the more I heard how much of what was inside me. I felt a huge void, as if I was a failure in more than one aspect of my life.

During my depression, I felt like my family members and friends did not understand me and lacked the time, patience, or skills to listen effectively. I felt suffocated, isolated, and invisible.

The universe has a weird way of working things out in life; things appear or show up for a reason. What appeared for me was a powerful listener. Though this person was a complete stranger to me, I felt connected from the very first day.

When they listened so patiently and intently to my words and feelings, both expressed and unexpressed, it felt so incredible that I didn’t want to stop sharing. I emptied my entire heart, all my fears, disappointments, and pain. I released all of it.

It was a pure, non-judgmental, patient, and empathetic space where I got to express and feel understood and validated. I didn’t get any solutions, advice, or answers. Instead, I got thought provoking questions, like “What does your soul really want?” “What makes you happy?” “What are you grateful for?” and “How can you forgive?”

It was this powerful listening that provided immeasurable healing. It was the first time in my life I actually felt like I had been heard, really understood—like what I had to say made sense. I felt important and visible again. (more…)

August 15, 2011
How to Carve Time for Yourself and Pursue Your Dreams

“Sometimes the most important thing in a whole day is the rest we take between two deep breaths.” ~Etty Hillesum

There was a time that I wished I had more than 24 hours a day to finish everything in my long to-do list. I have a full-time job editing news stories for a media agency while tending to my side business as a content marketing strategist for entrepreneurs.

That’s just the work thing. Like most single women in Asia, I live with my parents, so I do my share of household chores. I’m also writing my thesis for my masters in anthropology.

I had such a crazy schedule that I had this feeling of being literally crushed under a heavy pile of work. I wondered if I was just spinning my wheels, or if it was even worth it.

I decided then to make some changes so I’d feel less overwhelmed. After reading books and blogs on time management, goal setting, and productivity, I accepted that, while I can’t have more than 24 hours a day, I can give myself one day each week to forget my workload and just focus on myself.

My free day is my time to read, watch DVDs, and go to the gym. This me-time is as important as my work days, as it recharges my energy. It also clears my mind so I can focus on my goal of transforming my current side gig into a full-blown business.

(more…)

August 14, 2011
How to Make a Difficult Decision: 30 Ideas to Help You Choose

“The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.” ~Flora Whittemore

I have been running this website for almost two years. A few months back, I met a goal I set for myself: I eliminated most of my other freelance work and focused my energy on Tiny Buddha.

Since I don’t require much money to live—and since my eBook has been selling regularly—I was able to transition in the spring. As a consequence, I decreased my workload dramatically.

Now that I have more time, I realize that I need to discover a sense of purpose beyond writing and editing, and not just through hobbies and fun. Essentially, I need to find new ways to contribute to the world, regardless of the income it generates, because I crave a greater sense of connection and engagement, outside the world of the web.

Last week, I received an offer to run a ‘tween website, working part-time hours. My first paid writing gig was for a ‘tween magazine, back in 2006. This felt meaningful to me, not just because I fulfilled the dream of seeing my byline in print, but because I understand how difficult it is to be that age.

Many of my problems began in junior high, when I was chubby, overdeveloped, harassed, and even abused by other kids. Because that time was so traumatic for me, I revel in the opportunity to speak to girls who may be struggling to love themselves.

This leaves me with a tough decision to make: Do I listen to the instinct that tells me to try to help young girls? Or do I listen to the instinct that tells me to stay unplugged when I’m not working on Tiny Buddha?

Do I do what comes naturally to me—what I’ve done through various sites these last five years—and keep analyzing, advising, and helping online? Or do I step outside the world of the written word, onto a path I’ve yet to define, and see where it may lead?

One seems to involve a lot more certainty. I’ll definitely feel fulfilled writing for girls (and the extra money couldn’t hurt). But I’ll likely also feel frustrated that I’m continuing to spend so much time alone, at my computer.

The other revolves around a million unknowns. What’s next if it isn’t online? How do I pick one of the many ideas I have, and how can I bring it to fruition? How do I know that what I choose will work out, and if it doesn’t, that I won’t regret not going the other way?

The answer is I don’t, can’t, and won’t. We can never know for sure when we make a decision that it’s going to pan out as we hope. All we can do is follow our strongest calling, and then trust that whatever the future holds, it will enrich our lives, one way or another.

Since I’ve been struggling with career-related decisions recently, I turned to the Tiny Buddha Facebook page and asked the community, “How do you make a difficult decision?” I collected some of the responses that resonated with me most strongly: (more…)

August 11, 2011
10 Ways to Make Your Life More Playful

“We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.” ~George Bernard Shaw

I was 25 and traveling through Ireland by myself. I was in Cong, a rural small town outside of Galway. It was quiet. Very quiet. Even though I had met people on my trip, I was starting to feel lonely.

I was thousands of miles from home. I had nobody around who knew me well or cared for me, and in the days before cell phones or internet cafes, I couldn’t just get in touch with my friends or family at the drop of a hat.

I went on a walk in a local park, along a wide stream that emptied into a small, pristine pond. The weather was grey and gloomy, the park was damp and romantic-looking, with its bending trees and dark water.

On a whim, I sat down by the edge of the pond and began to do something I hadn’t done in probably 15 years: I started to build a fairy village out of sticks, pebbles, and leaves.

As a child I had practically lived in the backyard, building intricate tiny villages, exploring the spaces in between plants and trees, making tree roots into cottages and lumps of mud into hillsides.

It calmed me down and got me away from sometimes troubling thoughts. In Ireland, I found the same thing happened: My loneliness and anxiety vanished, and an hour or so later when I finished, I felt better: lighter, and less worried.

When we lose ourselves in play, whether creating a make-believe world, throwing a ball between friends, frolicking with our dog, or watching silly YouTube videos, we allow ourselves to get out of the linear, problem-solution, adult mindset.

We’re activating a part of our brains that we don’t use much in the grown-up world: the one that doesn’t care about deadlines or mortgages or how much we weigh, the one that doesn’t care how we look to others.

In the land of play, we make connections we wouldn’t normally make. We see things in new ways. Play can boost our creativity, heighten our mood, make us laugh, and can engage us in the world in ways that regular “adult” life often doesn’t.

For some reason, I’ve never grown up enough to stop playing. When I stop noticing the playfulness of the world around me, I know I’m in a bad mood or too stressed, and I often make myself stop and re-engage in the world in a playful way, even if just to watch a funny movie. (more…)

August 10, 2011