Tiny Buddha

Tag: wisdom

  • How Our Beliefs and Expectations Hold Us Back and How to Let Them Go

    How Our Beliefs and Expectations Hold Us Back and How to Let Them Go

     

    “The outer conditions of a person’s life will always be found to reflect their inner beliefs.” ~James Allen

    Just because you’ve believed something is true, even if you’ve believed it for a long period of time, that doesn’t mean that it is actually true or that it has to be true for the future.

    For a long time I believed that my body was broken. I believed that I could never be super lean and ripped even though I really wanted to be. I also believed I had irreversible digestive issues that seemed to be getting worse and worse.

    I spent a lot of time searching for answers because I believed that somebody out there somewhere had to have the cure to fix me.

    Somebody had to know how to help me finally lose weight and gain the body of my dreams, the happiness I longed for, and the approval I so much needed but would never admit.

    I bounced from one diet or self-help book to the next, reading one magazine after the other, Googling one “how to fix {insert ailment}” search topic after another, hunting for the key.

    But then somewhere along the way I realized I didn’t want to do that anymore. I was tired of feeling broken, helpless, and sad. I started to question why I kept doing what I was doing.

    It started to seem really silly to me because I wasn’t actually finding any of the answers I was seeking. In fact, I seemed to be just getting more confused than ever. I stopped searching for how to fix myself and instead began searching for the answer to a different question:

    Why do I feel so broken?

    Shifting my question led me on a whole new adventure where I finally recognized I wasn’t broken at all; in fact, my body had the ability to regain its balance on its own, which it did. The problem wasn’t my body, it was my beliefs—my limiting, disempowering beliefs. (more…)

  • 3 Simple Ways to Turn Failure into Success

    3 Simple Ways to Turn Failure into Success

    “Life is a process of becoming. A combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.” ~Anais Nin

    I’ve always been an optimist, looking for the good in situations, even when they seem like the bleakest thing that could happen to me or the people around me.

    But failure is a difficult one to turn on its ear.

    You know when you don’t reach your goal. You know when you don’t get what you wanted.

    Now I know the Rolling Stones sang “You can’t always get what you want…but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need.” And you know what? Those lines never sat well with me—to just sit and accept it.

    So, even though I know there are reasons I didn’t make it big as a recording artist—and that my Pilates business didn’t fulfill me, and that I’ve experienced the sting of working at companies that decided to shut down—I have always refused to simply shrug my shoulders and say, “Oh well!”

    I decided to find a new way to handle failure and to not only look at in a more optimistic way, but also find within it clues for my next move.

    Here’s what I discovered.

    Failure is a step toward your ultimate success. It’s a lesson. A challenge. A chance.

    When I struggled with my Pilates business, for example, I realized I needed to ascertain where the bulk of my money was coming from and then do more of that. So I made a plan and moved forward. I started doing more of what I loved and what was bringing in income, and less of what wasn’t. (more…)

  • Loving Ourselves and Each Other, Imperfections and All

    Loving Ourselves and Each Other, Imperfections and All

    love makes the world go round

    “We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.” ~Sam Keen

    I heard this story the other day about the collection of homes called Favelas surrounding Rio De Janeiro.

    If you aren’t familiar with them, they are a large collection of small run-down homes built on the side of the hills surrounding the city. They scatter and protrude across the landscape like paper litter in the tall grass along the highway.

    The conditions can be poor, and unsanitary, often with raw sewage running down the side of the hill where the houses are built. Many people live right across from houses that sell drugs or prostitution. Even reaching the houses is difficult, with the only options being a treacherous road or walking up as many as 800 stone steps.

    When a man who was giving a tour of the area was asked if most people living there are poor and have no choice but to live there, the reply came back “No.”

    Many people work, make a descent living, and choose to live here. In fact, he explained, he himself lives there.  That begged the question: why not move out if you can?

    The man answered, “Because my life is here, my friends, my family. I love it here.”

    I thought to myself, how could anyone love it there? How could anyone love those houses, love that neighborhood, those living conditions?

    But then I thought, what does it mean to love something? What does it mean to be loved by someone?

    You see, growing up, and most of my life up to this point, I don’t think I’ve understood this. Love is, for most of us, what the world says it should be because that’s what we’ve been conditioned to believe. That’s what we’ve been taught.

    Love is a frantic kiss and a firm embrace at the end of a Hollywood movie.

    Love is what you should feel when you see a beautiful model wearing exquisite clothing rocketing away on her motorcycle in a crisply baked marketing ad.

    Love is what you want to feel, what you want to have, how you want to look, and how others should look. If I had that, if I looked that way, if I had that girl for a girlfriend, I would love it—because I would be loved. (more…)

  • When Will You Find a Moment for Yourself?

    When Will You Find a Moment for Yourself?

    “Sometimes the most important thing in a whole day is the rest we take between two deep breaths.” ~Etty Hillesum

    For the second time in a week, the gas light comes on in my car. I’m busy, as usual, and so I push it a little farther, run just a few more errands. But I know that I do need to stop and refill before too long, or I will be left on the side of the road. I’ve been stranded before, and have learned my lesson.

    Most of us know that when our cars try to tell us they need something, we had better respond or they won’t get us to our destinations.

    We usually have some respect for red warning lights on the dashboard, and at least check out the problem. Unfortunately, it’s not always so easy to see our own signals.

    Our bodies and minds don’t come with bright red warning lights, but they do give us signals when they’re running low.

    Some of these signals are more obvious than others. When we’re hungry, we might be able to skip a meal occasionally, relying on snacks to get us by, but we all know that at some point, we need to eat real food.

    We might be able to miss a few hours of sleep as well, and make it through the next day, but we can’t simply expect our bodies to keep performing without rest.

    We may be able to survive in a grumpier and lesser performing fashion when we have less than optimal amounts of food and sleep, but we all know that we can’t skip those needs altogether.

    But what about the other needs that aren’t so obvious? Everyone has probably heard about the benefits of spending some time alone just to think and to gather their own thoughts.

    If you work, go to school, have a roommate, spouse or children, this time probably isn’t easy to come by. It’s probably also more important than ever.

    Lately, I’ve noticed just how important this need for solitude is to me. As a writer who works at home, as well as a homeschooling mother, I am blessed with lots of time with my family. What I’m lacking severely is time to myself.

    Between errands, online college classes, a part-time job, volunteering, and meeting the needs of everyone else, I often end up neglecting my own need for a moment to myself to think, breathe, read, write, draw, paint, or do anything that helps me relax. (more…)

  • 9 Guidelines to Get Through Challenging Times

    9 Guidelines to Get Through Challenging Times

    “Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.” ~Charles Swindoll

    I’ve recently dealt with numerous challenges that range from the ridiculous to the life-threatening. I’ve had friends telling me they “can’t bear to hear any more” about illness, financial loss, and an array of physical and emotional accidents that have broken parts of me, but not all.

    Every aspect of my life is changing: career, relationships, health, and beliefs. I have to make the most of every situation and so I’ve created my own set of rules to keep me focused and to remind me that all will be well.

    If you’re also dealing with a challenging time, these guidelines may help you, too.

    Rule #1: Assert your goals.

    When everything seems to have fallen apart, realize you still have options, and then assert exactly what you want for yourself.

    I want to live my life using my natural gifts. I want to create, write, teach, paint, and inspire, and to use my skills to generate the energy to live and love well. I’m working toward my goals, but I understand they might not all come to fruition. If things don’t pan out exactly as I hope, I know I can deal with it positively.

    I’ll give myself a break, discuss it with a friend, and do whatever I need to do to get clarity, and then I’ll re-assess. The important thing is that I know my ambition has to make my heart soar and excite me.

    Where are your instincts guiding you? Assert it to yourself, the people who support you, and the world. This is the first step in creating a life you’ll feel passionate about. (more…)

  • 3 Ways to Forgive and Create Peace

    3 Ways to Forgive and Create Peace

    “Remembering a wrong is like carrying a burden on the mind.” ~Buddha

    It was a beautiful spring morning when I was terminated from my job. Before it happened, there were rumors, but I refused to believe that something like that could actually happen to me. I felt betrayed by the manner in which the termination occurred.

    Without any substantiation, my company suggested that my ethics were compromised and I embezzled from the company funds. Soon thereafter I learned that the sole motive for the company was to replace me and my assistant with part-time employees to avoid paying full-time employee wages and benefits.

    In reality, I worked hard, and often went out of my way for the benefit of the company. And yet, I got laid off.

    At first I was shocked in disbelief, with anger and resentment following close behind. I even contacted a couple of attorneys to see if I may have a case. As time went on, I actually realized that losing this job was probably the best thing for me. I moved on.

    Or so I thought…

    When there is suppressed anger and resentment, we don’t really move on at all. We have a way of pushing away unpleasant emotions. We push away anger and resentments.

    But these emotions get stored and accumulate in our subconscious. And while consciously we remain unaware of the damage they cause, they reveal themselves in our physical and emotional health. So there I was, going on with my life not realizing that on a deeper level, I was still holding on to the past.

    My suppressed anger ended up rearing its ugly head in both my personal and professional lives. It affected the way I interacted with people around me and reflected in my health. I got diagnosed with depression.

    Disbelieving that something was actually wrong with me, I was caught off guard at first. But inevitably, I had to face the truth. I had to become a good observer of myself and my emotions.

    I had to teach myself the difference between “thinking” that I was well and actually “being” well. Gradually, I learned. Gradually, I dug deep enough to see the truth. And the day that I honestly saw my anger and pain was the day that I took my first step toward forgiveness—and freedom.

    When Mahatma Gandhi was dying, he raised his hands up from his bullet wound and gestured a sign of forgiveness to his assassin. This drastic example illustrates that Mahatma Gandhi knew that forgiveness came from sacrifice and love.

    Over a year after I got laid off, I felt compelled to write an email to the person responsible for letting me go. I told him that I was OK and that I harbored no hard feelings. I also thanked him for sending me on the journey of self-discovery. (more…)

  • 9 Lessons on Loss, Forgiveness, and Healing

    9 Lessons on Loss, Forgiveness, and Healing

    “Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” ~Paul Boese

    I’m trying to meditate but I find myself overcome by sadness; I’m still grieving after all this time.

    I’ve gone through phases of forgiveness recently that have shown me how to acknowledge the painful relationship I had with my mother, the anger and resentment we shared, and the loss of each other that we both went through the older we grew. Maybe it’s not as bad as that, but it feels like it.

    My reflections have brought me closer to the woman who I never took the time to understand because we were both so volatile and weighed down with our problems; I’d shuddered when my family would say “You’re just like Mum,” but now I smile because I see how true it is.

    I yearn for a stable life, just like her; I live with chronic illness, mental and physical, just like her; I escape into creativity, just like her.

    We differ too.

    I’ve decided to do something about my anger. I’ve taken steps to open my heart. I’ve learned to forgive and be forgiven. One thing I’ve not done yet is grieve. I lost my Mum.

    I lost her gradually through my life in that I didn’t ever feel like we were mother and daughter, more two people living together who spent every day treading carefully, trying to avoid eye contact and arguments.

    And then four years ago she died. She’d been sick for a long time and I knew it was coming. I’d prepared myself from a very young age for that cold January afternoon, for when I’d hear the news that she was dead. I was at once free and cut loose.

    I lost the person who, if I had only opened myself up, would have protected me to all ends, even if she didn’t understand what I was going through. (more…)

  • Embrace Fear and Find Your Center: Riding With No Hands

    Embrace Fear and Find Your Center: Riding With No Hands

    “Some people think it’s holding that makes one strong—sometimes it’s letting go.” ~Unknown

    My mom leaned in and gave me a goodnight kiss. The only light illuminating her face was coming from the hallway. I looked up at her, and in the confidence of the dark confessed, “I saw it.”

    “It” was my birthday present, waiting patiently for me to wake up in the morning and claim it from its place in the garage. “It” was a turquoise blue Stingray bicycle with a white pleather banana seat and an extra tall sissy bar.

    I’d seen it by chance, tucked back in a dark corner, and knew instantly it was for me.

    I couldn’t stop myself from ruining my mom’s surprise. I just couldn’t contain my joy. That bike was the answer to my 10 year-old dreams.

    And I wasn’t disappointed.

    My new bike was the coolest mode of freedom I could imagine. It took me to the local pharmacy for candy and back to the school playground to meet up with my friends. Like an addict, I lusted for the feeling I got from riding past the Skerkoske’s house, Marcia Brady hair blowing in the breeze, singing “I Think I Love You” at the top of my lungs.

    Riding something so beautiful gave me all kinds of cocky confidence. I was fearless. Within days, I was pedaling through the neighborhood, arms waving madly in the air, shouting “Look at me world!  I’m riding with no hands!”

    I let go without ever calculating the risks involved.

    Fear crept up on me gently, a part of the ever expanding feeling of responsibility that came along with growing up.  

    Or maybe I’d heard “Hold on to that bike young lady! Do you want to end up in the hospital?!” one too many times. Whatever the cause, the magic of my turquoise blue Stingray was no longer enough to make me feel invincible.

    I grew afraid of falling off.  (more…)

  • Change Your Attitude, Change Your Life

    Change Your Attitude, Change Your Life

    “Our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world as being able to remake ourselves.” ~Gandhi

    It was 1999 and my life stunk. I had failed miserably as a missionary for my church, I’d been sent to a mental hospital and diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and I was in the process of losing the woman I thought I was going to marry.

    I was in bad shape, and didn’t have a clue as to how I could right the ship, so to speak.

    Now, 13 years later, I have a great job that provides for me and my family. I have a beautiful wife, two lovely children (with another on the way!), and plenty of free time to pursue the hobbies I enjoy. I have a roof over my head, food to eat, and thanks to a few tiny little pills I take every day, I also enjoy good physical and mental health.

    I don’t want to leave you with the impression that everything changed completely overnight. It didn’t.

    To deal with the loss of my girlfriend I did some therapy; I put myself back on the market and did a lot of dating; I consciously chose to let go of what I thought should happen and accept what had happened. Slowly, I healed until one day I realized that I was open to loving fully again.

    Dealing with my mental illness is a challenge that continues to this day. I’ve put in place the foundation for good mental health by accepting the fact that I will need to be medicated for the rest of my life.

    After making that choice, there has still been an endless parade of medications as we try to find the right cocktail for me. And even with the medications, I still have good times and bad. The medication, I’ve found, is a tool and not a panacea.

    Making these outward choices has really helped, but there is one thing that really changed everything for me: I changed my attitude.

    What caused that change? I read a book called Man’s Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl.

    Frankl was a neurologist and psychiatrist who was imprisoned in a Nazi concentration camp during World War II. He was forced to work as a slave laborer and watch as many of his peers died slow, miserable deaths.

    He was separated from his own wife, mother, and father, and lost them all before the war ended. But what did Frankl learn from his time in the concentration camp? Here’s what he had to say:

    “Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances…”

    When I read those words, something clicked inside of me. I intuitively knew that they were true, and I knew that I needed to learn how to give myself an attitude adjustment if I wanted to have any measure of peace in this world. So I began to study. (more…)

  • Emotional Blind Spots: On Feeling Uncomfortable Feelings

    Emotional Blind Spots: On Feeling Uncomfortable Feelings

    “Feelings or emotions are the universal language and are to be honored. They are the authentic expression of who you are at your deepest place.” ~Judith Wright

    On March 12th of 2006 I faced an important decision: life or death? From my perspective, death seemed reasonable, logical, and easy. Life on the other hand was difficult and full of disappointment.

    That was the day I realized I had no idea how to be happy or live with my true self. All I knew and felt in my soul was aloneness; an emotional black hole that consumed me.

    Being Emotional vs. Being Emotionally Connected

    How I got to that point is a long story, full of addictions, failed relationships, lost jobs, and victimization. Looking back, I realize I hit the bottom as a result of not being connected to myself.

    To be perfectly clear, I’ve always been an emotional person. You know—touchy feely, crying when Old Yeller died, etc.

    But being emotional and emotionally connected to self are two completely different things.

    Being emotional meant I took everything personally. This made intense relationships with the opposite sex agonizing. Every little argument meant she didn’t love me and was walking out the door.

    I realized early on it was just easier to avoid them; or at least bolt when they starting getting too serious.

    Avoiding Uncomfortable Emotions

    I had too many emotional blind spots—out of the way places I’d shove uncomfortable feelings, in some corner of my soul. I’d keep moving just fast enough to keep them unseen in the rearview mirror.

    If it was uncomfortable, I didn’t want anything to do with it.

    I avoided conversations that might include, “What are you thinking?” or “What are you feeling?” My closest friends were co-workers and anyone who frequented the same bars I did. I refer to that period as my “five dollar life” because I would never put more than $5 worth of gas in my car at one time.

    Not because I lacked the funds so much; I just couldn’t stand still long enough. I was in a hurry to get things done, change the world, and make my mark. I was going places while getting nowhere in a hurry. (more…)

  • 4 Tips to Tell the Truth About Yourself and to Yourself

    4 Tips to Tell the Truth About Yourself and to Yourself

    “Our lives improve only when we take chances and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves.” ~Walter Anderson

    There’s almost nothing I hate more than honesty.

    I’ll give you a moment to let that sink in. You may be doing a double-take, thinking “did she mean there’s nothing she hates more than lying?”

    I wish.

    Most people probably think I’m an honest person, and in general, I suppose that’s true. I am honest with many people. However, I’m rarely honest with the person who matters most—myself.

    As someone whose drug of choice is food, I’m familiar with all matters of sneaky and lying behavior. The best I can pin-point, this probably started for me around the age of six. In other words, I’ve had a long time to practice.

    And I have to admit, I got pretty damn good.

    I could wolf down an entire meal from McDonald’s on my way home from work, dispose of the trash on my way, and then sit down and eat another dinner when I got home.

    I wasn’t as good at hiding candy wrappers when I was a kid—stashing them behind the couch where, surprisingly, my mom did occasionally clean. But I perfected the art over time, learning how to wrap one inside another inside another and then squish them down to make them look like one—instead of fifteen.

    Come to think of it, I’m pretty sure I’ve even started a new art form called Trash Arranging. (I should probably trademark that.)

    Here’s the thing: I like hiding. I don’t like spilling the beans about myself to a new friend (aka someone I’ve known for five years). I’m squeamish about social events, and if I can avoid the details of where I’ve been or what I’ve been doing, I will.

    I realize what you’ve read until now makes it sound like I’ll soon have my own reality show akin to Hoarders, but I promise that’s not the case. What I’ve discovered about my own issues is that we all have them.

    Mine’s food, but yours might be something else—shutting down at the holidays, drinking too much coffee, or working just a little (an extra 35 hours per week) too much.

    Over the past few years, I’ve started to lift the rock up off my life. With the help of therapy, life coaching, more journaling than anyone probably thought was possible, and an extremely patient partner, I’m taking some steps into the sun of my own experience. (more…)

  • Remember to Breathe: How to Feel Calm, Peaceful, and Loving

    Remember to Breathe: How to Feel Calm, Peaceful, and Loving

    Peaceful woman with surfboard

    “Our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world as being able to remake ourselves.” ~Gandhi

    At some point during 2005 I discovered the sense that I am connected to everything, that nothing exists outside of me. This realization came while surfing with a friend of mine. From that moment, surfing became a religion for me.

    I sat on top a surf board about 100 yards off the sand, just a little north of the San Onofre Nuclear Power Plant in San Clemente, California, for hours on end every single day.

    At some point during each session, the endorphins would kick in. My mind would empty and I would relax. The best word to describe it would be “bliss.”

    Off the surf board, I spent most of my time at the public library reading books about the human experience—history, psychology, religion, and spirituality.

    Each morning, as I sank into this blissful state, I allowed the information to pour over me in a manner that Thich Naht Hanh called “Dharma Rain.” I just breathed deeply and joyfully as my mind filtered information, looking for truth.

    I could have easily stayed in that state of bliss had I not needed to go to work or interact with most of the people around me. I’ve never been much of a joiner. Monkhood was off the table.

    I tended bar just a few nights a week. I had been sober for nearly a year but rarely became thirsty even working. It was a means to an end, and it afforded me more free time than any other job out there.

    Tending bar also brought into focus the idea that all I observe is a reflection of me. I owe most of real growth spiritually not to the texts, not to meditation, and not even to surfing; I owe it to my time slinging drinks. (more…)

  • Giveaway and Interview: Aging as a Spiritual Practice

    Giveaway and Interview: Aging as a Spiritual Practice

    Update: The winners for this giveaway have been chosen. Subscribe to Tiny Buddha to receive free daily or weekly emails and to learn about future giveaways!

    The winners:

    Have you noticed there are certain things you can’t do as easily as you could when you were younger? Have you ever felt resistant to the inevitable changes that come with age? Have you put thought into your own mortality?

    And have you considered that perhaps all of this can contribute to a greater sense of spirituality?

    Buddhist author and teacher Lewis Richmond tackles these questions and more in his book Aging as a Spiritual Practice: A Contemplative Guide to Growing Older and Wiser.

    Although I am in my thirties and not yet approaching my senior years, I was interested to read this book because I often feel this desire to cling to youth, coupled with a fear of what it will be like when it inevitably slips away.

    I appreciated Richmond’s refreshing perspective on the benefits of growing older, and his honesty about his own experiences with illness, aging, and transformation.

    From the book jacket:

    Incorporating illuminating facts from scientific researchers, doctors, and psychologists on aging’s various challenges and rewards; Richmond explores the tandem of maintaining a healthy body and healthy relationships infused with an active spiritual life. Using this information, we can pay attention to our own experience of aging through the lens of our emotions, and adapt accordingly, inspiring opportunities for a joy that transcends age.

    The Giveaway

    To enter to win one of three free copies of Aging as a Spiritual Practice:

    1. Leave a comment below.

    2. Tweet: RT @tinybuddha GIVEAWAY and Interview: Aging as a Spiritual Practice http://bit.ly/wgW7zs

    If you don’t have a Twitter account, you can still enter by completing the first step. You can enter until midnight PST on Friday, January 20th. (more…)

  • What Are You Worth?

    What Are You Worth?

    Have you ever worked a job where you were grossly overqualified or underpaid?

    I once had a job where I was getting paid $12/hour for doing stuff that I thought I liked.

    I was working in a field very closely aligned with what I wanted to do in the future, and I had access to all kinds of experts that I could talk with.

    At the start, I thought it was great; I was young, the pay was tax free, and it was my first job after a long absence from the United States.

    But as time wore on, I was using all kinds of skills that, in their respective marketplaces, fetched much more than $12 an hour. I was suddenly doing tech work and website alterations, newsletter creations, and online marketing.

    I still thought nothing of it because I was learning and helping my employer.

    One night I was eating dinner with a friend who sowed the seed of something insidious in my head:

    She said, “Are you serious? You should be getting paid three times what you are for what you’re doing. They are paying you to be a secretary essentially—not to do web design and marketing. That’s absurd. And that’s not what they hired you for.”

    I went home that night and couldn’t sleep. Am I worth $12 an hour? Or am I worth more? What am I worth? Should I demand more pay or just quit?

    I didn’t realize it then, but I willfully decided I was not going to be happy at work from then on. I spontaneously decided I was worth much more than $12 an hour—but instead of quitting, I stayed and felt indignant about being devalued. (more…)

  • The Intimacy of Loss: Being Together in this Fleeting Moment

    The Intimacy of Loss: Being Together in this Fleeting Moment

    “We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.” ~Kenji Miyazawa

    I love my wife, so it stung the other day when she said, “Hmm … You’re going to have trouble letting me go, aren’t you?”

    She’s not walking out on me. You see, she has multiple sclerosis (MS), and she’s referring to the day she can’t walk any more. She’s convinced herself that she can’t handle the guilt of ruining my life, and expects me to leave when she says so.

    I knew Caroline had MS when I married her. I also knew I loved her.

    And I knew from experience what it was to live in a loveless marriage, hoping against hope that if you work hard enough at it, things will turn around. Of course, there is an element of work in marriage, but it’s got to start with chemistry.

    I fell in love because of our chemistry. Yes, physical chemistry—she’s a real beauty—but I’m not talking about that, either.

    We care about the same things, like honesty and depth and clear insight. And we don’t give a damn about the same things, like having loads of money or achieving great, big visible success.

    Still, we live well, eat well and enjoy fine wines. However, Caroline’s turning into a bit of a homebody as her legs grow less reliable. Her car’s being fitted for a hand-operated brake. She had a bit of a scare recently, so it’s time.

    They say you don’t die from MS, you live with it. Well, they can say what they like. Those are words; we live with the reality.

    Most of the time Caroline’s full of life, charged up by her work as a personal life coach and filled with the satisfaction of seeing eye-popping changes in her clients’ lives. Still, MS is a chronic, degenerative illness. She’s gone through all the scary attacks of temporary blindness, vertigo, and electrical storms in her body, weakness, profound fatigue and inexplicable pain.

    She avoids medications. They’re no cure and the side effects suck. Her mood is usually good, amazing actually. She has a bright outlook on life, and is a great wife and mother.

    When I say she inspires the hell out of me, I’m not just being polite. Being with her has changed my life. (more…)

  • Everyone in Your Life Is You

    Everyone in Your Life Is You

     “You validate people’s lives by your attention.” ~Unknown

    When my husband and I lived in New Providence, the capital island of the Bahamas, we rented a charming wooden cottage with a sweeping vista of the ocean from a sweet, elderly man who was 88 years old.

    Our landlord Leslie lived alone in an elegant house next door to our cottage and I made it a habit to visit him each day, after arriving home from teaching at a local high school.

    Leslie was lonely and my heart would ache for him. Having lost his wife a few years earlier, he was a sad, wistful figure, who would spend the day sitting with the front door open, gazing out at traffic and wondering where all his friends had gone.

    While I felt sorry for his situation, I was acutely aware of why people had stopped coming by. Leslie could barely hear a word anyone said and, as a consequence, my visits would consist of raising my voice to the highest level possible, which would leave me hoarse and physically drained.

    One afternoon after making tea and settling down to attempt to communicate, Leslie started by labeling himself “a silly old fool” and then related an incident I will never forget.

    Over the years I have recalled it many times as a way of highlighting the importance of being attentive and present.

    As the story goes, Leslie flew to Grand Bahama Island to spend the weekend with his son Derek. When it was time to leave, Derek took Leslie back to the airport, checked him in, and said goodbye.

    In the departure area, Leslie was unable to fully hear an announcement. Rather than making inquiries, Leslie followed a group of people moving toward the gate and, relying on a steward to correctly check his ticket, he boarded the plane.

    However, much to his acute embarrassment and dismay, Leslie later realized the plane was touching down in Miami, rather than New Providence.

    At different times in my life, I have been each character in this story, deaf to what others have been trying to tell me, unable to articulate my needs, and woefully inattentive and distracted. (more…)

  • Uplifting Depression: 15 Unexpected Lessons from Adversity

    Uplifting Depression: 15 Unexpected Lessons from Adversity

    “Whenever something negative happens to you, there is a deep lesson concealed within it.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    Two years ago, reading this quote, I would smirk and think, “What a cliché.”

    In the last two years, I would read this quote and be in utter disbelief that anything can be learned when one is in the depths of hell.

    Today, I read this quote and resonate confidently, that yes, even though I tried to end my life, even though I had to quit a high paying job, even though I still suffer from major depression, good has come out of my negative experience, and I have learned the lesson to take care of myself and listen to my body, albeit the hard way.

    Around November 2009, my doctor said to me, “Noch, I think you are burned out. Your migraines are most probably due to stress. Please go see a psychologist.”

    My fiancé dragged a reluctant me into the shrink’s office, and I came out, diagnosed with major depression. I had no idea what it meant or what would become of me. I just felt extremely unmotivated, had no appetite, only had negative thoughts in my little head, and was excruciatingly tired of life.

    I was immensely frustrated with myself. I didn’t know why I was depressed, or burned out. I thought I had it all: the executive job, high on the corporate ladder at the young age of twenty-eight.

    I spoke a few languages, lived all around the world, had a man who loved me for who I was, had my few soul mates and a wide network of friends. So what happened to me?

    Indeed, I felt really ungrateful to be sick at all.

    All the people who passed me everyday in the misty smog of Beijing seemed to live much harder lives, scraping by the wayside. So, who was I to be unhappy about my life? I had no answer. And the more I thought about it, the more I got caught in my web of negative thoughts and unreasonable reasoning of life.

    I closed myself off from the rest of the world and disappeared off the social radar. I was forced to take medical leave from work, being physically unable to do any work or concentrate.

    The few close friends who knew of my plight tried to console me.

    “It’s a challenge and test, to make you stronger,” they’d say. They gave me examples of all these great leaders of the world who had to go through trials and tribulations to get to where they were. There was something in store for me, and it would end up a positive life changing experience, they reassured me. (more…)

  • How Planning Less Can Set You Free

    How Planning Less Can Set You Free

    Feeling Free

    “Life is a process of becoming. A combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.” ~Anais Nin

    Normally my girlfriend and I have a routine for Saturday mornings:

    She goes to yoga at eleven AM and then heads into Central London to do a small amount of shopping, and perhaps visit a museum. I might get up, do some writing in the morning, tidy the flat, and then take a dance class at 1PM. These are routines we enjoy, or at least enjoy most of the time.

    Last Saturday we spontaneously decided to do none of that.

    Instead, we went for a walk along a local canal towards central London. It was a mild, hazy morning, with calm water, seagulls, ducks, joggers, quiet, and sun.

    We left the canal and visited some inner city churches and their second hand markets, offering cheap coffee and large, silent spaces.

    We finished by visiting two different specialty coffee shops. At the end we sat in the second and best, with sun streaming in through the windows, feeling calm and content.

    As opposed to our normal Saturdays, there was a natural flow to the morning—perhaps better described as an evolution.

    Every decision was spontaneous. Every decision felt natural. Every moment was savored.

    I could have spent an hour planning our “intimate time” down to the last degree—but would it have contained the joy and peace that naturally flowed that day?

    This is increasingly how I am practicing living my life: with a minimum of routines and plans, allowing the present moment to dictate the future.

    I try to stay in touch with the process of becoming. In doing this:

    I don’t want to knock routines completely. They can bring richness, happiness, and comfort. For example, I cherish my early morning coffee grinding. (more…)

  • Interview and Giveaway: Love for No Reason by Marci Shimoff

    Interview and Giveaway: Love for No Reason by Marci Shimoff

    Update: The winners for this giveaway have been chosen. Subscribe to Tiny Buddha to receive free daily or weekly emails and to learn about future giveaways!

    The winners:

    You know that open-hearted, safe feeling of being in the presence of someone you love and trust? Have you ever wondered if you could bottle that and feel it later, when you were alone?

    What about that connected, fulfilled feeling of loving someone else passionately and unconditionally? Have you ever wondered if you could sustain that whether you were in a relationship or not?

    Bestselling author Marci Shimoff (who also wrote six books in the Chicken Soup for the Soul series) explores this possibility in her new book, Love for No Reason—and it’s not just a feel-good idea. It’s backed by scientific research, and its instantly applicable, thanks to Marci’s practical, specific guidance.

    Love for No Reason is for anyone who wants to:

    • Open their heart and become a magnet for love
    • Enjoy more fulfilling relationships with others and themselves
    • Turn off their body’s stress response and turn on their body’s love response for better health and well-being
    • Experience more success and satisfaction
    • Transform their family, community, and the world

    I’m grateful that Marci took the time to answer some questions, and also that she is giving away 2 free copies of her book.

    The Giveaway

    To enter the giveaway:

    1. Leave a comment below noting if you’ve ever felt “love for no reason,” and if so, when you felt it most recently.

    2. Tweet: RT @tinybuddha GIVEAWAY and Interview: Love for No Reason http://bit.ly/yfA8bX

    If you don’t have a Twitter account, you can still enter by completing the first step. You can enter until midnight PST on Friday, January 13th.

    The Interview

    1. What inspired you to write Love for No Reason?

    When I finished writing Happy for No Reason, I’d definitely gotten much happier. But I knew there was still something I wanted that was beyond happiness—and that something was Love.  (more…)

  • What Dogs Teach Us about Peace, Joy, and Living in the Now

    What Dogs Teach Us about Peace, Joy, and Living in the Now

    “Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are.” ~Marianne Williamson

    Are you a dog lover? I know I am.

    Animals of all kinds can bring us so much joy, not only when things are going well, but also when we feel pain and are suffering.

    “Man’s best friend” can be our true and faithful companions through thick and thin. We look to our pets when we are ready to play and laugh, and they instinctively know when we need their support.

    I’ve had a dog most of my life. From purebreds to mutts, I’ve loved them all. It has always felt comforting to me to have a dog around. The joy dogs provide is well worth the effort.

    We all have struggles and challenges in our life, and it’s during those times that our pets can really come in handy to help us find our joy.

    One of my most stressful challenges was discovering my daughter’s addiction to crystal meth. I felt blindsided by this discovery. I knew she was struggling, but this was something I had never expected.

    I learned from this experience that the time I have spent working on myself, as opposed to the time I have spent trying to fix her problem, has been the most meaningful and the most productive. Despite having addiction in my life, I could find my joy again.

    For parents in the midst of addiction with their children, it can be emotionally exhausting for long periods of time. It’s easy to let the stress of the situation overtake you.

    I am one of the lucky ones. My daughter has gone on to seek recovery for her addiction. She has grown and matured in ways I would never have expected.

    We have both learned life lessons, and have evolved into new and hopefully better people. We both know to take it one day at a time.

    From this experience, I found I needed to change. I needed to approach life in a new way.

    As I watch my dog go through her day, I realize the lessons are really right there in front of me if I care to pay attention.

    Here are some of the ways I can be the person my dog wants me to be, and be the person I want to be as well. I know that whatever life brings me, joy is still always there for the taking. (more…)