Tiny Buddha

Tag: wisdom

  • 40 Ways to Feel More Alive

    40 Ways to Feel More Alive

    “I don’t believe people are looking for the meaning of life as much as they are looking for the experience of being alive.” ~Joseph Campbell

    As I write this, I am two hours away from my first weekly acting class in Los Angeles. I’ve been here for almost two years now, and though I loved community theater as a kid, I never so much as researched acting classes until a couple weeks back.

    I frequently said I wanted to do it, along with painting classes, which I’m starting next week, but I always made excuses not to start either.

    I was too busy. I didn’t have enough money. I didn’t have the time. I wouldn’t be good enough. I’d feel uncomfortable. I might not enjoy it. I don’t like commitment. It wouldn’t lead anywhere.

    The list went on and on, but I realized the last two were the big ones for me. I chronically avoid commitment because I associate that with hindering my freedom. (What if I decide last-minute I want to go somewhere or do something else?)

    Also, I hesitate to give large amounts of time to hobbies I have no intention of pursuing professionally.

    I realized last month, however, that I want to prioritize more of the things that make me feel passionate and excited—and not just occasionally, but regularly.

    I don’t know if these classes are “leading” anywhere. I just know I feel in love with the possibilities I’m creating—not possibilities for growth tomorrow; possibilities for joy today.

    That’s what it means to really feel alive—to be so immersed in the passionate bliss of this moment that you don’t think about yesterday or tomorrow. You just enjoy what you’re doing and love every piece of it.

    If you’re looking to feel that sense of exhilaration but don’t know where to start, you may find these ideas helpful: (more…)

  • Why We Need Mistakes and Failures

    Why We Need Mistakes and Failures

    “The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.” ~Elbert Hubbard 

    A while back, I was invited to attend the Asian Chamber of Commerce’s 22nd Annual Awards Gala. Focused on “The Spirit of Entrepreneurship,” the Asian Chamber of Commerce celebrated individuals who exemplified great leadership skills in the Houston community.

    The keynote speaker, Dr. Lynda Chin, surprised me by talking about failure. A scientist, Dr. Chin is the first to admit medical mistakes. She talked about cancer-related pharmaceuticals having a 95% failure rate, because the medication needs to be tailor-made to the individual.

    I had never heard someone in a high-ranking position admit to failure so freely. But as she put it,  “There is no success without failure. There are no experiments that succeed before first failing.”

    So in essence, failure is the stepping-stone toward success.

    Another person who inspired me that night was Keiji Asakura, an urban design and landscape architect. A botanist, without the degree, he was a lover of plant life. Asakura was another model of someone who was able to take his mistakes and use them as the fundamental building blocks of his successes.

    One day nearly 10 years ago, his company filed for bankruptcy, and on the same day his wife asked him for a divorce. Life couldn’t have been any worse. In the depths of despair he asked himself, “Why do I do what I do?” The answer: because I love it.

    Because he loved it. Hearing those words from someone not in entertainment reminded me of why I do what I do. Because I love it. Without that love there would be no point in enduring this much anxiety in anticipation of something greater.

    People tell me all the time that they admire me for going after what I really want. But people only see what they want to; they forget that behind every truly large success, there are a million failures. For every good sentence that I write, there are thousands more that need to be rewritten.

    So far, in my adult career, where I’m at now is my lowest point. There is nothing on the horizon that promises that the work I’m doing now will pay off. My life is a gamble.

    My dad actually—I say “actually” because he only inadvertently supported my career choice—said, “In every business there is a risk, but without risk there is no potential to prosper. You simply have to take it.” (more…)

  • How to Become Your Own Biggest Fan

    How to Become Your Own Biggest Fan

    “If you make friends with yourself, you will never be alone.” ~Maxwell Maltz

    When I was eighteen I glided across the stage in front of my classmates to collect an award from the principal: All-Around Female.

    I was a dancer on the drill team; an officer in the a cappella choir; a youth group leader; a singer in the show choir; a member of the honor society, Spanish Club, and Venture Scouts; and top ten in my class.

    I wore these achievements like a shield, clueless of what or who I would be without them.

    Inevitably, when I moved out of state for college, my shield cracked.

    At college, there was no drill team, no honors points, no one to pat me on the back for working hard. I learned quickly that, when excellence is the default, it’s a lot harder to stand out.

    With my shield a shambles, I had to search for a new persona—a new person to “be.”

    For some people, that might be volunteering or learning an instrument. For me it was making six or seven trips to the KFC buffet line, eating fried chicken and potatoes until my stomach hurt, and then throwing it all up at the nearest gas station.

    It wasn’t pretty. But with no other labels to hide behind, it was comforting.

    And every so often, I indulged myself in another label: girlfriend. It was so easy to melt into someone else, and it took the focus off me. Still, when I met Randy, I didn’t see it coming. He was a young, compassionate pre-med student who was eager to complete me—and I was happy to let him.

    At first, it was a great arrangement. But after a year or so, the full weight of my unhappiness surfaced. I was jobless, directionless, and lonely; I came home to Randy every night, but even he couldn’t fill the caverns I’d created in my life.

    Making the decision to move back home and check into an eating disorder treatment center was difficult, but it was also the first decision I’d truly made for myself in a very long time. (more…)

  • You Can Blame Others or Save Yourself

    You Can Blame Others or Save Yourself

    “You save yourself or remain unsaved.” ~Alice Sebold, Lucky

    Last year was a year of great changes for me. I ended a three-and-a-half-year long toxic relationship, I started a new relationship (which fell apart six months later), I applied for a semester abroad, and started a full-time job while studying full-time, as well.

    Honestly, I don’t know how I managed to survive this busy time, but I did, and in January 2012 I left for Stockholm.

    It was the best six months of my life.

    I met amazing people from all over the world and I found true friends among them. I was in places I always dreamed of being. I was studying at the one of the best universities in Europe. I traveled, explored, and had fun in my life again. I made my dream come true with my hard work and tenacity.

    Even though everything seemed perfect, I felt that something was missing.

    I struggled with my emotions and stress overload after six months of hard work to afford living abroad for the next six months. I also dealt with periods of depression.

    I have been struggling with depression since I was thirteen. The worst period took place while I was in high school, when I thought about committing suicide. I got through this eventually with the help of my friends and a psychologist.

    Currently my mood is stable, but I still experience heavy mood swings and depressive episodes that seem to appear “out of the blue.” That was the case with my semester abroad. One day I was happy with my life, and couple of days later I couldn’t find the strength to get up from the bed.

    Maybe it was the stress, or the heavy Swedish winter with lack of daylight, or maybe it was something different. For two weeks in February I didn’t want to leave my room.

    I tried to do so many things, to use my time abroad to its maximum so I would not have the feeling that I wasted my time there after I got back home. (more…)

  • Judge Less, Accept More, and Restore Your Happiness

    Judge Less, Accept More, and Restore Your Happiness

    “Judge nothing, you will be happy. Forgive everything, you will be happier. Love everything, you will be happiest.” ~Sri Chinmoy

    A few years back, the husband of an acquaintance spoke curtly—dare I sound judgmental and say rudely—to his mother-in-law in front of me, his wife, his daughter, and a few others.

    Each time I thought about what he said, a wave of judgmental thoughts came into my mind: How could he speak to her like that? How could he be so disrespectful? And, what a poor example he was setting for his daughter…

    These negative thoughts stayed with me for a few days until I asked myself: “Have I ever spoken curtly or rudely to someone?”

    The answer was, of course, “Yes.” And, although I didn’t want to make excuses, I asked myself if someone had been watching me at that moment, if there were a reason that would make that person understand where I was coming from or what I was going through. The answer was, “Usually, yes.”

    As soon as I turned my attention away from him and looked at myself, all of the negative thoughts I was having about him faded away. Instantly, I felt so much better.

    Beyond that, it provided a good opportunity for me to start looking at myself, why I judged others, and how I could stop it.

    My meditation teacher, Giziben, has said, “Judge, but don’t condemn. If you hear that someone has done something terrible, judge that you will not do that. But don’t condemn the other, as that ignites the desire for revenge and kills the love within.”

    The reasons why we judge are fairly easy to identify. Often we judge others when we’re jealous of them in some way, because they have something, like a position, status, or role, which we don’t.

    We also judge when our desires or expectations aren’t met and then we think, “How could they do that?” It can also just become a habit to complain and find fault. (more…)

  • Giveaway and Interview: The Practicing Mind by Thomas M. Sterner

    Giveaway and Interview: The Practicing Mind by Thomas M. Sterner

    Note: The winners for this giveaway have already been chosen. Subscribe to Tiny Buddha for free daily or weekly emails and to learn about future giveaways!

    The Winners:

    Have you ever feared you’ll never excel at a skill or reach a goal you set? Have you ever judged yourself or your efforts as “not good enough,” creating a sense of paralysis? Or how about this: Have you ever felt so eager to excel that the process became stressful and unsatisfying?

    In his book The Practicing Mind: Developing Focus and Discipline in Your Life, Thomas M. Sterner explores how to “master any skill or challenge by learning to love the process,” as the cover reads.

    Sterner has mastered quite a few challenges; he’s a concert piano technician, an accomplished musician, a pilot, and a golfer—and he’s learned how to practice each skill with a focus on the present.

    Sharing personal anecdotes, insights, and lessons, Sterner teaches us how to simplify and concentrate on the task at hand; break goals into smaller, more manageable steps; and slow down so that we can give our full attention to each step along the way.

    I highly recommend The Practicing Mind to anyone who wants to find more joy in the process of working toward their goals, and in doing so increase their effectiveness.

    The Giveaway

    To enter to win 1 of 2 free copies of The Practicing Mind:

    • Leave a comment below
    • Tweet: RT @tinybuddha Book GIVEAWAY & Interview: The Practicing Mind http://bit.ly/R5EnKh

    If you don’t have a Twitter account, you can still enter by completing the first step. You can enter until midnight PST on Sunday, August 12th. (more…)

  • Keep Creating Even in the Face of Criticism

    Keep Creating Even in the Face of Criticism

    “Do not give your attention to what others do or fail to do; give it to what you do or fail to do” ~Dhammapada

    During the past couple of months I have been the recipient of some not so favorable reviews from a couple of music blogs regarding an album I recently released. In fact, two reviews in particular were not just critical but completely scathing.

    Both reviews completely devoured me. I received the most recent one right before going to bed, and allowed it to completely disrupt my sleep. I woke up numerous times playing the words over and over in my head.

    The next morning I was still unable to shrug feelings of worthlessness, inability, insecurity, and disappointment.

    That familiar feeling of a door closing on my dreams resurfaced again. The voice in my head told me that I should just quit making music once and for all. I was convinced that I had deluded myself about my abilities and that, despite all my efforts, my music will never be any good.

    “There are no failures. Just experiences and your reactions to them.” ~Tom Krause

    The truth is I do have a lot of insecurity about my abilities as an artist. From an early age, friends and peers criticized me, along with parental figures that I expected support from. So today when I receive criticism, it reopens an old wound.

    In the past, I’ve let feelings of inadequacy keep me feeling down for weeks on end. This time though, I didn’t want these feelings to dictate my entire day or week ahead. I wanted to shake this feeling immediately and not let myself drown in it any longer.

    So, in my own form of meditation, I sat with these feelings and I realized I needed to be kind to myself, a friend to myself. After all, if I can’t be kind to myself, who will? I can’t rely on external praise or wait for someone else to make me feel better.

    There are so many factors beyond our control. When we seek validation from someone else, we put power in that person’s hands.

    Within moments, I was able to shift my perspective and see things in another light. I was able to see that opinions and preferences are completely subjective. (more…)

  • Overcoming Perfectionism in a Culture That Promotes It

    Overcoming Perfectionism in a Culture That Promotes It

    Concept: Abandoned Person. Close up of an old doll`s face with tear. Spesial grunge-fashioned image with grain

    “Good enough is the new perfect.” ~Becky Beauprie Gillespie

    I stand accused of being a perfectionist.

    My plea? Not guilty, of course! “I’m not perfect enough to be a perfectionist!” I counter.

    But the evidence is stacked against me. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Exhibit A:

    My first year at University, our mid-term examination in literature. There was major building work going on outside, and concentration was nigh on impossible. As a result, our tutor added 10% on to everyone’s scores to make up for the disruption.

    What did I get? 110%.

    And what was my first thought: “Hmm, I could’ve done better. And any way, it was so easy.”

    But, out of the 140 other kids in the class, how many others got 110%?

    You guessed it, it was just me.

    This is it, you see, the madness of perfection: it isn’t even satisfied with perfection.

    Another example: A couple of years later, I planned, cooked for, and led the wedding ceremony for my own wedding. The day went smoothly. Many people said it was the most special, and personal wedding they had ever attended.

    But I felt disappointed, in floods of tears at the minor imperfections which no one but me had noticed. And despite having lost thirty pounds and being on the verge of being underweight, I still felt fat.

    What is tragic is that I know I am not alone in this.

    I had been hypnotized by the madness of the perfection-focused culture we inhabit, where even the most beautiful of bodies are airbrushed, and talented voices are digitally enhanced to reach ever new heights of perfection.  (more…)

  • Overcoming the Fear of Loss: 5 Steps to Get Unstuck

    Overcoming the Fear of Loss: 5 Steps to Get Unstuck

    “Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.” ~Norman Cousins

    Of all the things that scare us, loss can seem like the most terrifying. At times, I’ve thought about it with such dread that it’s felt overwhelming.

    Whenever I quit a job I hated in that past, I felt stuck between two loss-related fears: the fear of losing my passion by staying, and the fear of losing my financial security if I walked away and didn’t find something else.

    Whenever I considered leaving a bad relationship, I felt paralyzed by two similar fears: the fear of losing my chance at fulfillment by staying, and the fear of losing the comfort of companionship if I walked away and didn’t find someone else.

    I haven’t only worried about the potential for loss as it pertains to big decisions. I’ve worried about losing people I love, pleasures I enjoy, and circumstances that feel comfortable. I’ve dreaded losing my youth, my health, and my sense of identity.

    And then there are the everyday losses: If I don’t do this, will I lose someone’s respect? If I don’t do that, will I lose my own? If I don’t go, will I lose some as of yet unknown opportunity? If I don’t stay, will I lose my sense of comfort and security?

    I might even go so far to say that whenever I fear something, loss is at the root of it. I suspect I’m not alone.

    Loss Aversion

    Economists have identified loss aversion as a major factor in financial decision-making, in that most people would rather avoid losing money than acquire more. The psychological impact of losing is thought to be twice as powerful as the pleasure of gaining. (more…)

  • Finding the Flow: Growing into Your Whole, Authentic Self

    Finding the Flow: Growing into Your Whole, Authentic Self

    “When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” ~Lao Tzu

    I was around twelve years old as I sat in the career day presentation. I can’t remember one word that was said. It might as well have been the teacher in the Charlie Brown cartoons speaking in that esoteric adult language.

    It was the day I made my first practical life decision. In seventh grade, I boldly decided I would be a dentist—for absolutely no meaningful reason. I chose because society was insisting upon it.

    I held onto this idea for a decade before entering dental school. I did exceptionally well, but two years in, I realized that something wasn’t right. Turns out, I hated general dentistry.

    However, it was the path I had chosen, so I stuck with it.

    I completed school and decided to pursue the challenging path of oral and maxillofacial surgery. It was exciting, and exhausting, and…empty.

    Two years in, I realized something wasn’t right.

    I didn’t hate it, but it didn’t quite resonate with me in a way I felt it should. Nonetheless, I stuck with it because it was the path I had chosen. I declared I was to be an oral surgeon and come hell or high water that was what I would be.

    I finished my residency and started my professional career. After thirteen years of education, you would think there would be a sense of accomplishment and relief. There was, but unfortunately, it was short-lived.

    Two years later, I realized something wasn’t right. Again.

    That was around the time I started exploring my creative self again—the self I had put on on hold for twenty years while pursuing a career path that I mistakenly believed defined me. I finally understood that I had to give myself permission to be a work in progress – to evolve beyond a definition of self that didn’t quite fit. (more…)

  • A Few Less Steps to Bliss

    A Few Less Steps to Bliss

    “Don’t use a lot where a little will do.” ~Proverb

    My fears around becoming a mother for the first time were validated. Giving birth did hurt, though in an empowering, “hear me roar” kind of way.

    There is stiff competition now for my husband’s attention, but mine is captivated as well. And our spontaneous, hedonistic, freewheeling lifestyle is permanently cramped—but into this cozy fetal position of child-friendly rhythm and routine.

    Though we have been pacified into a relatively mundane existence, my morphing into a mama bear that’s hell bent on protecting her cubs from excess has helped keep things spicy. Excess in the form of stuff, noise, and activities that attempt to encroach on our home and our time to connect, distancing us from our core values.

    There is a therapeutic benefit to this extreme nesting to the kids and adults in our family alike.  My kids are imaginative, calm, and pleasant to hang out with, and I find myself with more energy, creativity, and overall bliss than I have ever experienced before.

    With this keen selectivity of what is enough, we gift our minds and hearts the room to expand, explore, then retreat again for restorative contemplation and rest.

    Less leads us closer to more bliss and here are just three ways to get there:

    Step One: Less Stuff

    Take for instance the visual pollution surrounding us. Coming into a space that is clear of clutter can release us from the immediate but subtle sense of anxiety we feel due to the responsibility of ownership—the need to repair, organize, share, and account for.

    With kids in the house, we’ve found it necessary to do a seasonal or at least twice yearly purge of items that no longer serve us. Since we have limited storage space, we need to clear out the many quickly outgrown clothes, toys, and the occasional toddler toilet paraphernalia. (more…)

  • How to Make Time and Space for Creativity

    How to Make Time and Space for Creativity

    “The grass is always greener where you water it.” ~Unknown

    I’ve had this theory about life for a while now, ever since I embraced simplicity three years ago.

    Life, a good life, a life well-lived, is about maintenance. It isn’t chance or luck or fate (though I believe in those things, and in magic too); it’s about doing the work to create the life you want, and doing it over and over and over again.

    Not that long ago, my writing life resembled un-watered grass. I let the passion I have for writing and words get away from me in my quest for an adult life. I begrudged anyone who had ever done anything creative—they must have more time, more money, more luck, the right connections, or something, anything, I didn’t have.

    All my unused creativity turned into bitterness. I’m not one for jealousy or envy, because I know the value of living a happy, grateful life.

    Still, all that unused creativity made me feel like I had no purpose in life—looking around I saw dried up, brown grass. What I should have been tending to, lay fallow and ignored.

    By mere chance, I picked up a book on simple living at the library. It was spring, and while everything came to life around me, I felt—well, in retrospect, I think I felt nothing. A sort of apathy had taken over. Sitting on the back steps of my patio, flipping through that book, something clicked.

    For me, simplicity and creativity go hand in hand. I spent over a year simplifying my life—decluttering, meditating, and becoming very purposeful about what I wanted and needed, and how those two things are different.

    Then, one day, I sat down and started writing. Writing so much, in fact, that I finished the first draft of a novel.

    Writing (and all creativity) needs space. It needs intention and purpose. Like grass, it needs to be watered, and how can you water it if you’re so busy attending to all the other “things” in your life?

    Finding your simplicity edge can take some time and energy. There will be lots of sorting and deciding and donating and throwing away. Making space—physical space—can make a huge difference in your life; it is worth every minute decluttering. (more…)

  • Stop Waiting for Life to Happen and Start Living It Now

    Stop Waiting for Life to Happen and Start Living It Now

    “The grass is always greener where you water it.” ~Unknown

    For a while there, I was a little peeved with the world. I’ve just recently snapped out of it, and I just want to sing and dance and share this message with everyone: Stop waiting!

    Last year, after living through some profound experiences—travelling extensively, soul searching, attending incredible life-changing events, shedding massive masks, overcoming huge obstacles, and deciding to change the course of my life completely—I came back to my life, to my home, and sat back and thought to myself, “This is what life is about!”

    I was on a snowball effect high of massive changes. It was the most intense feeling that seemed to go on endlessly, and the changes just seemed to keep on unfolding in my life naturally, organically.

    I dropped out of a program at school I wasn’t really committed to, with the intention of going to culinary college after a year off. I faced the world for the first time, trading in my signature sunglasses for an eye patch, after hiding a facial difference I sustained from a car accident almost a decade ago. I returned to my yoga practice, focused on my health and vitality, and dropped 30 pounds.

    Last year was amazing, and it just seemed to keep getting better.

    I landed an amazing job at the company I was dying to work for during my year off before returning to school. I met amazing people and seemed to attract great new friends into my life. I traveled more for personal development courses and seminars and soaked up the amazing atmosphere that is unique to Tony Robbins events.

    Around Christmas time, I began to sense a shift in myself and tried to brush it off. It wasn’t much; it’s just that it was no longer effortless to be happy, and I began to feel a little forced at times. Some challenges at work arose, and I was beginning to think that there was something wrong with me.

    After months and months of work that flowed easily, I began to realize that the wheels of my life weren’t moving all too smoothly anymore.

    At that point, I started to retreat. I had huge goals, big dreams on the horizon for the year, and it scared the crap out of me when things weren’t progressing.

    I began to take on a passenger mentality in my life, making excuses for my inactions and myself. When things got worse in any area, it was a huge blow to my self-esteem, and I let it break me down.

    Mid-winter I entered what I consider to be a “winter season” of life. I got fired from the job that I loved, despite what I thought were my best attempts. (more…)

  • Recognizing Our Patterns and Learning How to Change Them

    Recognizing Our Patterns and Learning How to Change Them

    “What we call chaos is just patterns we haven’t recognized. What we call random is just patterns we can’t decipher.” ~Chuck Palahniuk 

    Life has a funny way of teaching us lessons. When there is something you need to learn, something that you need to work on, the same situation will continue to repeat itself until you either learn your lesson or find a healthy way of dealing with that particular issue.

    Think of the movie Groundhog Day. It was one of my favorites. Once Bill Murray realized that he was living the same day over and over again, he came up with ways to fix the things that went wrong before.

    He learned how to fix the relationship with the object of his affection. He even learned to deal better with the annoying insurance salesman who approached him every morning.

    It wasn’t until he learned to accept his fate that the cycle of reliving each day ended. He also became more compassionate and more sympathetic—an overall better version of himself.

    I hear people say: Why do I keep going through the same things in relationships? I’m with different people, but things always end up being the same, or they act just like someone who I used to know.

    Some of these people give up, some get stuck in a vicious cycle of their own making, and others don’t even realize that they are basically chasing their tail, repeating the same situation over and over.

    Recently, I found myself in a pattern of attraction. It took some time for me to understand it. I had a hard time coming to terms with my divorce, and for years I wanted a second chance in that area of my life. A new start. A new marriage.

    Only problem was that when I did come across someone I liked, he was unavailable—already in a relationship or emotionally unavailable to me, and therefore, unwilling to participate in a relationship with me.

    I went through a period of time when the only guys who asked me out were either married or in a relationship of some type, live-in or on-and-off with a current girlfriend.

    Instead of pursuing those situations (for obvious reasons) I would instead go for the single, yet emotionally unavailable guy. And I would try to win him over, to no avail, trying to prove that I was “good enough.”

    It wasn’t until recently that I had an “a ha” moment, in which I realized that the critic I was trying to “prove myself” to was not someone else. It was me—the inner critic who still had not come to terms with the dissolution of my marriage and considered it a complete failure.

    My thought process was: If I could turn this person around or make this person change his mind and love me, then I would be worthy of love. (more…)

  • Learning to Embrace Change as Opportunity, Not Loss

    Learning to Embrace Change as Opportunity, Not Loss

    “If you correct your mind, the rest of your life will fall into place.” ~Lao Tzu

    Two years ago my life as I knew it changed forever. No, I was not diagnosed with a disease, nor did I lose someone special or have a near-death experience. I actually gained some pretty amazing things: a new house, two dogs, living with my partner, and the chance to be a full-time stepmom to his two children.

    But I did not initially view this change in a truly positive light.

    After the dissolution of a long-term relationship, I had spent several years living alone in my cozy apartment.

    I cherished my independence and, for a time, the solitude.

    I came and went as I pleased. If I was seized with musical inspiration, no matter what the hour, I played and sang. I had quiet time to read and write.

    My friends dropped by to hang out, I played shows with my band, and I regularly went out for meals and concerts.

    Yes, life was pretty darned good—except for the fact that I was alone.

    After interesting, humorous, and some downright sad attempts at dating, I met my partner, a wonderful man. He lived an hour and a half away, but we made it work, seeing each other on the weekends. His two children were then living with their mom in Quebec.

    My weekends with my partner were like mini-vacations. We kayaked, went out for meals, and laughed with abandon. Relaxation was our default setting.

    Fast forward two years, and traveling was beginning to lose its novelty, especially when poor weather made the roads dicey. Around this time, the kids asked to come and live with their dad. We knew the back and forth wasn’t going to cut it any more; the kids needed stability, so we buckled down and bought a house together.

    This was a lot to take on all at once, and I knew it. I could see it written on the faces of my friends, colleagues, and family when I described our plans. But we loved each other, we were committed to each other, and it seemed like the most practical solution at the time.

    I left my apartment, my partner left his house, and we merged our lives.

    I soon found I was walking on air, but not in the elated type of way—more so that the familiar ground was disintegrating from beneath my feet piece by piece.

    Even before the kids arrived, I started to feel overwhelmed with this new commitment, this new negotiation of space.

    I was used to putting things where I wanted them, eating when I felt like it, and functioning according to my personal schedule, but suddenly I was accountable to someone else—and he had equal right to give input on everything from where the pots should go to whose sheets should go on the bed.

    My relaxed state was replaced with the tension of constant compromise.

    Doubt began to snake its tendrils into my mind—had I made the right choice? (more…)

  • Develop Self-Confidence: 7 Lies You Need to Stop Telling Yourself

    Develop Self-Confidence: 7 Lies You Need to Stop Telling Yourself

    “Be honest with yourself, and you will find the motivation to do what you advise others to do.” ~Vince Poscente

    What if you could only tell—and more importantly, only believe—the truth? Not the half-truth, the white lies, or the other grey in between, but the pure, beautiful, and unadulterated truth.

    If I had to pick one super power, it would be to know the liars from the truth-tellers. I would walk around in public places, eavesdrop on conversations, and know immediately if someone is lying or being honest.

    I would go to social events and exercise my super power by posing my burning questions to friends and strangers alike. I would sit in the courtrooms of the world, and know instantly if the victim is lying or telling the truth. How fascinating, how disconcerting, how shocking it would all be!

    Most of all, though, I would use my super power to listen to the voices that I hear in my own head, from the loud inner critic, the large ego full of opinions, and the years of social conditioning and upbringing; and I would be able to tell, without a shadow of a doubt, the lies from the truths. Oh yes!

    I grew up in Tehran, and witnessed not only the horrible 1979 Iranian revolution but also the terrible war that ensued between Iran and Iraq. Even though I was very small, I remember the horror, the bombings, the sirens, and the oppression.

    Mostly, I remember the way our teachers would brainwash our small little minds and fill it with the new regime’s lies. I remember that our families needed to play it safe while still helping us draw some faint distinction between those lies and the truth.

    I moved to America when I was 15 years old, and today, even though I know the difference between a lie and the beautiful truth, some days the inner critic returns and insists on the lie.

    But I don’t think I am alone. We tell ourselves lies, half-truths, and anything but the pure truth every day.

    We are paying for them, you know? They create new doubts in our mind and new fears out of thin air. (more…)

  • Transform Your Life: Lasting Change Starts from Within

    Transform Your Life: Lasting Change Starts from Within

    “All meaningful and lasting change starts on the inside and works its way out.” ~Anon

    My life has been a journey of self-discovery—at times a very bumpy journey. I spent most of my life feeling angry with people and hurt because the way they treated me.

    People would not always do what I expected of them, and this disappointed me. I used fear to get them to comply with my demands.

    One day, my baby girl looked at me and said, “Dad, you don’t have to shout at me to make me love you.” My heart nearly exploded, and it was then I knew my life had to change.

    One morning while driving to work I found myself sobbing and just felt so deeply sad. I couldn’t figure out why I felt this way; I just did. Then I realized I was fighting the world and pushing people away.

    I was a terrible husband, friend, and family man. I was only concerned about myself, and I thought my life was a mess because of other people.

    I started looking within at the role I was playing in my relationships and discovered some fundamental truths.

    I was a blamer and never took responsibility. This was my end and my new beginning.

    My life and my relationships needed to change. And I realized I had to make these changes. I needed to start taking responsibility for myself and my behaviors and I needed to stop trying to force others to change.

    I needed to love and accept myself. I had spent a great deal of my life pushing people away because I did not love myself. I discovered that I would only allow people to love me to the extent that I loved myself. (more…)

  • Creating Change by Leveraging the Power of Intention

    Creating Change by Leveraging the Power of Intention

    “Our intention creates our reality.” ~Wayne Dyer

    I got divorced a few years ago. It wasn’t pretty. We started out saying it would all happen amicably.

    But we owned a business together. How much the business was worth at separation, we each contested. It dragged out. We finally got it done with after much pain and suffering.

    And it just confirmed what I believed: Where money is involved, things get ugly.

    I remember while I was living in Spain, it happened then too. I was living with a group of men and women who were working for social justice in a poor community. I was there as a recent graduate from the Jesuit Seminary, helping out at the summer programs for kids.

    We lived simply and ate simple meals. I chipped in where I could for food. I kept offering to give more toward the groceries and other household expenses, but they politely declined.

    After the summer program for kids was over, I set out to backpack around Spain.

    In Toledo, famous for its sword making, I bought my dad his birthday present—a finely made full-size replica the King of Spain used to hold in ceremony. It cost about the equivalent of $100. My father had given me some money to travel with as a graduation present. So, I wanted to bring him back a nice gift from Spain.

    I returned to the little community in Madrid where I was living. As soon as they saw the sword, they wanted to know how much it cost. It was immediately divisive. Their entire attitude toward me shifted.

    They suddenly demanded I pay rent for the entire time I was there, even while I was away backpacking. They told me that the suitcase I left with them was taking up too much space and I should pay rent for that also. The situation was tense.

    I left for a daytrip towards the last days of my stay there and when I returned, they had turned out the lights and locked the door on me. It wasn’t pretty.

    That was 13 years ago. But, like I said, I’d noticed a pattern. Where money is involved, things turn ugly. That’s the reality I told myself. (more…)

  • What to Do When You’re New: In School, Work, or Your City

    What to Do When You’re New: In School, Work, or Your City

    “If you light a lamp for somebody, it will also brighten your path.” ~Buddhist saying

    Moving to a new country as a kid can be traumatizing because of the challenges of fitting into a new culture and new social customs.

    When I arrived in Northern California at the age of ten with my parents and younger two brothers, we were excited about being in America (home of Disneyland) but apprehensive about our how our classmates would react to us and how we would fit into the social environment of a school in a new country.

    My earliest memories of starting school in the 4th grade were not having to wear uniforms like we did in Malaysia, not having to stand up when speaking in class, and not having a regular morning assembly every morning prior to school starting.

    I welcomed the slightly relaxed curriculum, reading fun fiction titles in class and not having semester finals in elementary school.

    The challenges I found were as expected—not understanding the cultural context of what was happening in the classroom or references to American sports, entertainment, history and even holidays.

    It was also difficult fitting in and making friends initially in a close-knit school, where kids had grown up together since pre-school.

    Most of my classmates ignored me in the beginning. I found it difficult to engage in team sports activities or find lunchtime friends to visit with. Yes, there was some bullying, as well, about my mismatched, out-of-fashion clothes, my military-ready haircut, and even my accent, but I tried to take that all with good humor!

    While I recall eating lunch in solitude for several weeks and attending English as a Second Language classes trying to get accustomed to my new life in America, I did manage to make friends over the course of the school year and fit in.  I even started getting invitations to birthday parties by the end of the year. (more…)

  • You Deserve Love, Including Your Own

    You Deserve Love, Including Your Own

    “The amount of happiness that you have depends on the amount of freedom you have in your heart.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    Several years ago, I was in an unhealthy and unhappy relationship. It didn’t start out that way, of course. During the first year that we were together, I was in heaven. I was blissfully happy and everything seemed perfect.

    My partner and I were so in love and happy just to be together; you couldn’t keep us apart.

    It was years later that the trouble started. It was when my husband reconnected with a woman from his past that our marriage started to fall apart. It is hard to say if things would have fallen apart in time anyway, but this other woman certainly contributed to bringing us unstuck.

    My husband told me that they had never been a couple, but that he used to be extremely attracted to this woman. She had recently moved to our city so he offered to help her out and get her familiar with the surroundings. I thought nothing of it at first because I thought I could trust my partner completely.

    Eventually though, I noticed that he was spending more time with her, and when I would ask him about it, he always made it seem like I was a bad person for being suspicious.

    I started reading messages on his phone when he was asleep because my gut instinct was telling me that something was not right.

    When I confronted him with the incriminating messages, he got very angry. He denied everything and berated me for having so little faith in him. All of this made me quite depressed, and eventually I became very bitter. We were fighting almost constantly over the smallest things.

    I was bitter with the world and, yes, I became bitter with myself. I did not like the person I had become.

    I was always stressed out, suspicious, and unhappy. I blamed myself for the status of our relationship. I started believing that I was the one at fault and that he was the injured party.

    After some time, his affair with the woman finally came to light and we broke up. Even after having confirmed that all my suspicions were correct and that I had done myself a favor by ending the relationship, I was still extremely unhappy. I still carried a lot of bitterness inside me.

    I could not understand why something so bad could happen to a good person like me. I was angry with my ex and was equally angry at the world. (more…)