Tag: wisdom

Depending on Yourself in the Uncertain, In-Between Space

“To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.” ~Unknown

Life has been strange the past few days.

All summer there was a trip or an event to count down to the final move—my brother’s wedding in Sedona, Captiva Island with my boyfriend’s family, Thailand with a girlfriend and, finally, a week in Atlanta.

I have nine days left before the movers come, and I feel as though I’m existing in a space without anything to hold on to.

My world here in Florida will soon be a memory, and I have no way of knowing what my life in North Carolina will look like. I fantasize about it, but it’s all conjecture.

The summer getaways provided a distraction for me, obscuring the view of the unknown that was swiftly approaching. My former relationship acted as a life preserver that I knew would be with me no matter where I floated. Now, both have dissolved into the past.

Very few people in this world feel an obligation or a desire to plan their lives around you.

Although I have been gifted with amazing and loyal girlfriends, they have their own lives. It’s my parents and significant others that I have counted on for the heavy labor, when the help I need is neither sexy or fun.

Although my ex-boyfriend would help me move with kindness in his heart, I don’t want to depend on him for this. It seems like I would be carrying on the illusion that I still have the security of our partnership. And what about my parents? Isn’t that always a loaded question…

At 29, I am confused about my parents’ role in my life.

While they offer to do whatever is in their power to make difficult times easier for me, their assistance comes with some strings attached. As I move toward making decisions in my life with less input from them, I am also electing to forgo their help in many ways.

People with long-time partners or even those who still have a cozy and safe place with their parents can say, “What’ the big deal? You’re a grown woman; you can move by yourself.” (more…)

August 27, 2012
6 Tips to Help You Apply What You’ve Learned

“A little knowledge that acts is worth infinitely more than much knowledge that is idle.” ~Kahlil Gibran

Have you ever read a book or a blog post and felt a profound sense of clarity—like you knew exactly what you needed to do—only to find yourself feeling paralyzed by the same old struggles hours or days later?

Have you ever listened to advice and felt certain you could apply it, only to find your resolve weakening when you were left to your own devices?

I have had these experiences many times before.

I remember when I was going through my hardest break up, many years back. After a long pep talk with a friend, I’d feel confident that I could get past it—and committed to taking care of myself to for my healing and overall well-being.

Mere hours later, I’d be curled up in bed with dirty, matted hair, drinking a mixed drink that was as strong as lighter fluid, sitting around feeling sorry for myself.

When I was overcoming my darkest depression, a few years after that, I stocked my shelves with self-help books (along with Ramen Noodles and Marlboros).

I must have had at least a dozen journals with exercises and notes, representing hours of self-reflection and analysis, yet days would go by when I wouldn’t do a single thing I wrote about.

I’d find excuses to stay alone, or stay bitter, or stay scared, or stay safe. Though I made some efforts to make changes in my life, I struggled to do anything positive regularly.

While I’ve made major progress with some of my biggest demons, I still go through times when I’m inconsistent with the things that I know serve me well.

In recent years, I’ve put a lot of effort into becoming more patient, and yet I still find myself rushing people and situations when I start to feel that familiar sense of anxiousness.

I know I feel better about myself when I’m more easy going—and that it’s kinder for the people around me—but I still struggle to apply what I’ve learned at times.

Since I want to continue making progress, I’ve put some thought into why it’s so hard to act on our knowledge, and how we can overcome internal resistance for lasting positive change. (more…)

August 23, 2012
How Doing Nothing Helps You Get More Done

“The time to relax is when you don’t have time for it.” ~Sydney J. Harris

Have you ever been “insanely busy”?

That’s been my world for the last two weeks. Not only have I been writing posts for my websites and creating meditation products for my subscribers, I’ve also been busy planning the end of year music events at the school where I work.

During this time I discovered something that helped me stay on top of things and keep my productivity high: I started making appointments to do nothing. Sometimes I scheduled this time at work, sometimes at home.

If I’m struggling to write posts, articles, or plan music workshops, I find that allowing myself time to do nothing and let my mind unravel brings many benefits. The main ones are creating new ideas and finding solutions to problems that have been unsolved for a while.

Doing nothing feels like the complete opposite of being productive, but after you’ve tried it you will see how effective it can be. Why do you think Google adopts a company policy that has an emphasis on allowing their staff so much free time?

A lot of people say that they are too busy to do nothing. Yet those same people will happily invest hours in front of the television, or spend plenty of time fretting and worrying about something without allowing themselves the pleasure to just be.

I’ve noticed that an hour slumped in front of the TV feels very different than one hour sitting in the park.

Actually, doing nothing can be a great investment into your personal well-being and something worth making time for.

It doesn’t take a huge change in your lifestyle—perhaps just a change in your thinking—and once you experience the benefits you will be more likely to make it a regular part of your schedule.

I have two preferred methods for doing nothing, and they can both be of great benefit.

The first way is to forget feeling guilty and to just take the time to zone out. Unplug from the internet for a while, stare out of the window, or just into space, and luxuriate in a special time of doing nothing. (more…)

August 23, 2012
Dealing with Toxic Friendships: Accepting, Forgiving, and Moving On

“Judge nothing, you will be happy. Forgive everything, you will be happier. Love everything, you will be happiest.” ~Sri Chinmoy

I used to have a friend who wasn’t good for me. She would put me down at every opportunity. If she saw me laughing and smiling, she would say something to bring me down. If she saw I was making progress, she would try to hold me back.

Sometimes I’d hear about things she’d said behind my back. Or discover that she had been poisoning other people’s opinions about me. Even worse, I would find that she would tell others about my personal problems—things I’d discussed privately with her.

Obviously, I knew she wasn’t good for me. For a long time, I actually believed in her putdowns and thought there must be something wrong with me. But I tried very hard to rationalize her behavior because I cared about her.

I thought perhaps she hurt other people to lift her own spirits. Maybe she was just miserable and a lost soul herself. No matter what the reasons, I tried on many occasions to talk to her but her defenses would come up and she’d get angry.

In the end, I grew tired of her negativity, realized she was never going to change, shut her out of my life completely, and moved on.

Months, even years later, when mutual friends mentioned her name, my heart would jump and I’d relive the pain.

All the old questions such as “Why was she so angry toward me?” and “What did I do wrong?” would re-emerge and I would torture myself.

For a long time I was extremely bitter and angry about what had happened. I used to fantasize about all the things I would say to her face when I next bumped into her. I’d imagine how great it would feel to really speak my mind.

But then I saw the light. I realized that my former friend was suffering, just like we all are. I realized that she was unhappy.

It doesn’t matter how or why she was a bad friend. It matters that she wasn’t happy. It matters that I forgive. And it matters that I move on.

I also realized that if I continued to have negative feelings toward her, I would be poisoning myself and prolonging the suffering. I would be making myself unhappy when there really was no need to do it.

Today, I have forgiven my old friend. I am no longer angry or bitter toward her. I don’t take it personally when I still hear negative things she has said to mutual acquaintances. I don’t mind that she is still angry.

I only hope that she finds a way to make her life as positive and as amazing as possible. Don’t we wish that for all our friends?

Sadly, this issue of toxic friendships isn’t uncommon. I bet we all have people in our lives who leave us feeling miserable and drained of energy.

I also think that when we hang around with these characters, we hold ourselves back and increase our odds of becoming negative.

So what do we do? Do we abandon people if they’re bad for us? Or do we stick around to help them out?

The answer lies with the person in question. Only they can make the decision to become happy. It’s literally his or her choice, and no one else can force it.

In the meantime, all we can do is forgive them for their bad behavior and make ourselves happy by surrounding ourselves with positive people.

When we choose to associate with positive people, we tend to become happier and brighter and enjoy better lives.

But doesn’t this mean we give up on those negative friends? Surely, if we are to live a compassionate and kind-hearted life, shouldn’t we be there for them?

Maybe, if they acknowledge their bad behavior, apologize, and make an effort to change. Ultimately, we only want to let people in our lives if they’re prepared to be good friends.

In my case, I chose to move on. I have deliberately created a life that is full of interesting and positive people. My current friends are genuinely happy to see me happy.

They don’t get jealous if I’m successful; they encourage me. They don’t say horrible things about me behind my back; they say kind, loving things. They understand I’m not perfect and forgive me for my flaws. They make me laugh, and they enjoy seeing me happy.

This is what true friendship should be about.

If you choose to still hang around with bad friends, you can take comfort in the fact that they do make excellent teachers.

As the Dalai Lama said, “In the practice of tolerance, one’s enemy is the best teacher.” And Martin Luther King, Jr. once said, “Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend.”

If you’re not ready to let go of an old friend who is bad for you, work hard to be there for them. Be patient and kind. Try to understand where they’re coming from.

If it becomes draining and their behaviors continue, it might be time to let go and move on. You wouldn’t wish to make any of your friends unhappy, so why harm yourself? Sometimes it’s better to understand that letting go is the only way.

When I think of my old friend, I hope that she is happy. Letting her go didn’t mean that I don’t care. It just means I want to be happy myself. That’s why it’s so important to forgive, love, and move on when you have to: We all deserve to be happy. We have the power to make it happen.

August 22, 2012
How to Have Fun Like Children: 15 Joyful Tips

“If it’s not fun, you’re not doing it right.” ~Bob Basso

Every morning my daughter and I go for a twenty-minute walk to my workplace. For me, in those twenty minutes, I’m in transit. For my toddler, it’s nothing less than a parade of flowers, fire trucks, pebbles, and friendly folk.

I walk alongside her, engrossed in my thoughts of concern that her bouncing body might fall down the stairs, or jump onto incoming traffic.

One morning, I noticed that a sweet old man, amused by my toddler, was watching her with a smile on his face. As we crossed his path, he chuckled to himself, “Children have all the fun!”

He’s right. They do. And clearly, I’m missing out! My age is no good reason for me to miss out on this street party!

Now, I try to remember that fun is a perspective. It’s not a force bound within the walls of amusement parks. The days that I remember this, it makes all the difference.

Line-ups are a great way to make new friends. Dusting is a contemporary dance. My world is a playground.

We are born with a complete understanding of fun, which seems to fade over time and conditioning. I say we learn a thing, or 15, from children.

How To Put Fun Into Every Day

1. Be where you are.

Kids are really good at enjoying the moment. Adults are addicted to thinking about all the things we have to do tonight, tomorrow, next week. Where you are is where the fun is. Nowhere else.

2. Learn something new.

From new words to new facial expressions, kids are constantly mastering new skills. Make it a point to continuously be learning something, anything. Aren’t we the ones who tell our kids that “learning is fun”?

3. Get out of your comfort zone.

Toddlers take risks all day long. As we mature, we tend to stay in our safe place. Your day will be so much more exciting if you gather the guts to wear hot pink pants. (more…)

August 22, 2012
Understanding and Lifting Depression: 5 Helpful Attitudes

“We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations.” ~Charles R. Swindoll

People almost always misunderstand depression. I know I used to.

My first dance with depression happened fifteen years ago. I was in my early twenties and it totally freaked me out.

When you’re depressed, your perception of pretty much everything changes.

Except you don’t realize that it’s your perception that’s changed, and instead it feels like the world has turned bad. If you’ve been depressed you’ll know what I’m talking about.

It goes something like this …

One day you feel confident and happy, and then the next day, ugh!

All the ideas and plans you have now seem ridiculous, your thoughts become morbid, and boy do you feel sluggish and sleepy, and why (yawn) is your boyfriend/friend/parent/spouse being so critical and mean all of a sudden?

And if that’s not enough, the world seems more abrasive—as if someone’s turned up the volume and taken off your sunglasses.

This is what happened to me. I cried. I felt sorry for myself. And I couldn’t for the life of me understand why I felt so bad: I had loads of friends and an awesome boyfriend; I’d recently been accepted into a post graduate masters degree program for human nutrition.

Life was good. Or it would be if I only could stop crying!

Finally I went to the doctor, which made me feel better because the doctor told me I had a chemical imbalance in my brain; but then she told me I was “depressed,” which made me cry again since I thought depression was for negative people with no plans for their life.

So that was that. I was depressed. I had an illness. I took the medication and kind of, sort of started to feel better.

But after a year things started to change. I don’t remember why I started doing this—maybe I read it somewhere—but I stopped taking antidepressants, and whenever a “flat” period would come I’d watch it with as much distance as I could summon.

I started to notice that if I just let the “flatness” be and stopped worrying about it, my perception about something would shift, and as it did, the depression would lift.

The more times this happened, the more I began to trust that it was going to happen. And always, there standing on the other side of the flatness, was an understanding that made my life richer, less stressful, and more pleasant, well worth the ticket of entry.

Back then I had very little sense of self-care. I pretty much treated myself like a machine—a friendly, do anything for anyone, study-hard, play-hard machine. (more…)

August 21, 2012
Finding the Courage to Live Out Loud, Starting Now

“To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.” ~Unknown

We’ve been taught that being negative means being realistic, and being optimistic means being unrealistic. We’ve been led to believe that you are “too old” or it is “too late” to follow your dreams. We’ve been taught to associate the feeling of doubt with failure.

It’s time to bust these myths!

We need to know, and let it be known, that doubt is just a feeling that comes to us when we are about to step out of our comfort zone.

We are all familiar of the good old comfort zone—it’s the tiny little circle where we all feel safe. But here’s the deal: When we stay in our comfort zone for too long, it begins to shrink.

We start to die—not a physical death, but a spiritual and emotional one.

We are so afraid to try something that creates feelings of doubt, for the fear of failure. As a result, we miss out on opportunities; we miss out on what could have been amazing, mind-blowing experiences; and eventually we start to live a life filled with what-ifs and regret.

Does this sound all too familiar?

I used to be controlled by my ego, at the expense of my happiness. The ego is a protective mechanism that tries to protect us from the unknown.

However, if we never venture, then we will never have any adventures, and we will never have lived.

I used to be afraid of situations where I had no control of the outcome. I avoided social gatherings like the plague for this reason; what would happen if I couldn’t interact with anyone?

One day I decided I had enough.

I stepped outside my comfort zone. I started to say “yes” even though I felt overwhelmed. I said “yes” without even knowing how I would bring myself to do what seemed to be a daunting task.

At one point, I was enrolled in BSchool, an online business course run by Marie Forleo. As I am a budding entrepreneur, I felt scared to interact with BSchoolers, as most of them already owned established businesses and brands. (more…)

August 21, 2012
Embracing Vulnerability and Putting Yourself Out There

“He who deliberates fully before taking a step will spend his entire life on one leg.” ~Chinese Proverb

I’m not going to put myself out there.

I’m afraid to fail.

I’m afraid to succeed.

What are they going to say about me?

What if I’m not good enough?

What if they laugh at me?

Are people going to think I’m weird?

What are people going to think of me?

The list of worries goes on and on. Our minds like to swim in the ocean of complacency.

We all have fears. Let me repeat that—we all have fears. Guess what? They’re not going away.

It’s time we embrace the fact that we need to be vulnerable.

I had the opportunity to see Brene Brown speak recently at the World Domination Summit in Portland. Brene is a professor, author, and powerful storyteller. She has done some amazing research on embracing vulnerability and basically knocking fear out.

It was an enlightening talk for me. As a guy’s guy (or at least I think of myself as one), I’m the guy that defaults to putting my armor on. Nice and tight.

I’m challenged to put my feelings out there. I tend to put on a happy face, even when sadness hits. I default to the old school way of thinking—the “never let them see you sweat” motto. I’m working on it, however, and I’m making progress.

My Evolution

It’s not that I’ve never put myself out there. I started a blog in 2009 about productivity and personal development. It was hard for me to open up. A number of questions surfaced (like the ones at the beginning of the post).

What were people going to think? Why am I qualified to talk on these topics? I finally said screw it and jumped in. (more…)

August 21, 2012
10 Reasons to be Okay with Being Disliked

“If your number one goal is to make sure that everyone likes and approves of you, then you risk sacrificing your uniqueness, and, therefore, your excellence.” ~Unknown

We all know at least one hardcore people-pleaser.

You know the signs: She sleeps out in the rain and gets a cold so her friend’s dog can fit in the tent. He lends money to his friends, knowing they won’t pay him back, then struggles to pay his own bills. If a friend calls her stupid, she whips up a batch of cookies and makes a card that reads, “Sorry for disappointing you.” And despite all their efforts to be liked by everyone, many people disrespect them.

Maybe that’s you, maybe it’s not—but odds are, you can relate at least a little to the desire to be well-liked. Who doesn’t want to feel accepted, respected, and appreciated?

For most of my life, my need to be liked overshadowed all my other needs. I was always trying to manipulate perception, adapting myself to receive validation. It was draining and counterproductive, since very few people actually knew me—the real me—which is a prerequisite to liking me.

I’ve since learned it’s actually a good sign if there are some people who don’t accept or agree with me.

I’m not suggesting we should be rude, inconsiderate, or disrespectful. This post isn’t about disregarding other people’s feelings.

This is about releasing our stress about other people’s opinions.

When you’re comfortable not being liked by everyone:

1. It allows you to be true to yourself.

The biggest disservice you can do yourself is shapeshifting to please your “audience” of the moment. It’s exhausting (even to watch) and, more importantly, pointless. No one will get to know who you really are, which will leave you feeling empty.

2. It gives you the power to say no.

I believe people are good at heart. Still, it’s human nature to test each other’s boundaries. When you’re willing to risk being disliked, you’re able to say no when you need to. Your yeses and nos shape your future, so choose them wisely. (more…)

August 20, 2012
Finding Meaning in Tragedy and Moving on Stronger

“Whenever something negative happens to you, there is a deep lesson concealed within it.” ~Eckhart Tolle

I’ve experienced a unique situation that has taught me a surprising lesson about the scope of the human races’ ability to choose love over hate, understanding over anger, and belief over fear.

I’d rather not have to tell a story like this, and my wish is that no one would ever have to learn lessons from an experience such as this. You see, my husband’s mother passed away just at the end of June.

But she didn’t just die of old age, or a sickness; she was only 61. She was washing her car in her own driveway and was forced into that car and taken. She was a victim of a violent crime; an unthinkable thing that you only hear about on the news.

The man that did this has been arrested, ending a nine-day violent rampage affecting many women and their families. Those families, including ours, await the long road ahead that comes with this type of devastation: evidence collection, investigation, trial, and sentencing.

Taking Steps in the Right Direction

My husband and I took his 79-year-old grandmother, his mother’s mother, and flew to where his parents and sisters live.

We were able to be with his father and sisters during this time, and we were able to be there for the beautiful funeral and memorial service. Many friends gathered around the family, as there are no blood-relatives in that area.

His mother and father are private people, so it was a small and intimate gathering, but much love was shared, and many friends came to the service.

I had expected there to be outrage, anger, disgust, even hatred for the man who did this, and possibly even for those of his same race, by some.

I witnessed none of those things. There was, of course, shock. There was sadness, remorse, and perhaps some initial anger.

I can’t sit here and say I know every emotion that went through each and every person. But I did not encounter outward aggression. I felt only love; a loving presence of unity and togetherness. (more…)

August 19, 2012
Learning How to Love Unconditionally

“The most important thing in this world is to learn to give out love, and let it come in.” ~Morrie Schwartz

Love is a strange and beautiful thing.

I always thought I knew what love meant. I grew up hearing the words all the time. It was on TV, in books and magazines, and people all around were saying it.

I thought I knew how to love. I mean, I told my teddy bear that I loved him because he kept me safe at night. I told my sister that I loved her, only if she was nice to me and would play the games that I wanted.

But if I didn’t get that new limited edition beanie baby, I felt differently for my parents. If my friends at school didn’t give me the birthday presents I wanted, I felt differently for them.

I seemed to only love the people and things that would give me something in return and that would allow life to go on the way that I wanted it to.

I never truly felt love, a love that was unconditional and all encompassing, until the day I first saw my dad cry.

My friends always tell me that my father is the happiest man that they’ve ever met. He greets everyone with open arms, and his smile is so big you can practically count all of his teeth.

The other day I came home, and my dad looked sullen, the smile usually spread across his face missing. He looked into my eyes and just collapsed into my arms, sobbing.

I could feel his sadness before I even heard the tears, from the way he put his entire body weight on me as if he needed help just standing, and the way he gripped me so tight like a child does with his mom on the first day of school.

My sister had just made a rash career decision that would leave her in a large amount of debt and temporarily unemployed. And my dad just didn’t have the money that she needed to help her out of her situation. (more…)

August 19, 2012
Asking for Help instead of Bearing Pain Alone

“Pain is not a sign of weakness, but bearing it alone is a choice to grow weak.” ~Lori Deschene

When given the chance, I would much rather bear pain on my own, thank you very much. It’s incredibly difficult for me to be vulnerable and ask for help. To share my pain with someone else.

I think partly it’s from my upbringing—living in the U.S., self-sufficiency is valued. We so often praise the individual who has done extraordinary things and see it as a sign of strength that they accomplished all of it on their own.

I can understand that; it’s led to a lot of independence and innovation. However, I’m also noticing a shift in understanding, of how no one is an island, we are all interconnected, and everything we do affects others.

It’s easy to want to hole up and hunker down when the going gets tough, to “grin and bear it” and keep others in the dark. Being human means I’ve had my share of pain, but I’m also coming to value sharing my pain with others.

I’ve come to believe we are not meant to bear pain on our own.

A few years ago while adjusting the volume on my cellphone, I tripped down the stairs. (Note to self, pay more attention when walking down the stairs.)

My ankle swelled up to the size of a grapefruit, and I had ugly purple and black bruises to boot. I tore some ligaments and had a suspected fracture. Needless to say, I would not be running any marathons in the immediate future.

It was painful not only on a physical level but also an emotional one. Being basically bed-ridden brought up all the issues I normally didn’t have to face—one of those being humility.

I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t do laundry because that required going down stairs, I couldn’t grocery shop, I couldn’t do anything but lie in my bed with my ankle propped on what seemed to be a thousand pillows.

As someone who prides herself on being independent, this was excruciating. The very last thing I ever wanted to do was ask for help, and there I was, needing it in a very big way.

I’m not an expert on this topic (if such an expert exists!), so the only thing I can do is share with you my own experience. (more…)

August 16, 2012
Being Kinder in What You Say, One Word at a Time

“The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention.” ~Oscar Wilde

I believe in kindness.

I am not, by nature, a kind person.

But I’m trying to be.

My tongue is sharp. I’m far too often the first to come back with a sharp retort.

Sarcasm and I were old companions, until about four years ago, when I had what I thought was just a casual conversation with a friend. But the next time I saw her, there was a distance between us.

I finally had a chance to speak with her alone, and asked what was the matter.

“You always have get a shot in.”

Oh.

I couldn’t even remember what we’d been talking about. Nothing important, really.

I did know I hadn’t meant to be cruel. That whatever it was I’d said, I’d only meant it as teasing, or a friendly poke. A chance to be clever, witty.

But I’ve learned that it’s better to be kind than clever.

That too often what I think is wit is closer to hurtful.

I may think we’re playing, trading silly jests, but I don’t know how the other person is feeling that day. Something that may normally ride lightly on them may strike an unknown injury, remind them of another hurt.

A game that I played for my own amusement isn’t worth the risks.

I don’t really want to be the person who always gets a shot in. The person my friends are hesitant to chat with, because they don’t know if they’re going to be next to be teased.

So I’m willing to work at nurturing kindness in my speech, and in my actions. I haven’t changed my entire life yet, but drop-by-drop, word-by-word, lots of little things add up.

Here are some of my “daily drops,” should you wish to incorporate them into your life, as well: (more…)

August 16, 2012
Tiny Steps to Overcome the Fear of Judgment

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.” ~Ambrose Redmoon

A couple weeks back, I had my first singing lesson in over 15 years. I’ve been hoping to get back into musical theater, so this seemed like a perfect compliment to the acting classes I planned to start soon (which I began this past weekend).

Unlike in in my childhood voice lessons, the instructor did not play piano, opting instead to use instrumental music from an iPad.

This meant he looked right at me while I sang On My Own from Les Miserables—a vastly different experience than singing in the shower, or at a karaoke bar after a couple of drinks—and he even took notes, since his hands were free.

I felt like my vocal cords were gripped in a vice. The experience of singing, while sitting alone, with someone I just met staring at me, made me feel far more vulnerable than I ever feel when I press publish here.

It felt even more intimidating because I knew he was an accomplished singer. He was better than me.

He was watching, focusing, assessing—and that felt terrifying.

Then I asked myself, “Why is this terrifying?”

He may have been watching, but that is, in fact, what happens when you perform. He may have been focusing, but would I really have preferred my teacher to be distracted? And he may have been assessing, but that didn’t mean he was judging.

He was taking notes so he could help me, not tear me down. It simply wasn’t his intention.

And he wasn’t conveying a sense of superiority. In fact, when we exchanged emails before the lesson, he made a point to compliment me on this site. We each had different strengths—and he was willing to share his to help me hone mine.

This was an eye-opening experience for me, because in that moment, that song was everything I tell myself not to do or say in fear of how it may be received. And he was everyone I worry about impressing in fear they won’t accept me.

He was the potential friend who I sometimes worry may not recognize my worth.

He was the potential employer who I sometimes fear may not recognize my ability.

And he was everyone I may fail to fully see while stressing about how they’re seeing me. (more…)

August 15, 2012
6 Lessons Life Has Taught Me on Embracing Change and Impermanence

“Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.” ~Karen Kaiser Clark

Life can be a persistent teacher.

When we fail to learn life’s lessons the first time around, life has a way of repeating them to foster understanding.

Over the last few years, my life was shaken up by dramatic circumstances. I resisted the impermanence of these events in my life and struggled with embracing change. When I resisted the lessons that change brought, a roller coaster of changes continued to materialize.

When I was seventeen years old, my immigrant parents’ small import-export business failed. From a comfortable life in Northern California, they uprooted themselves and my two younger brothers and moved back to Asia.

The move was sudden and unexpected, catching us all by surprise. I was in my last months of high school, so I remained in California with a family friend to finish my degree.

I spent the summer abroad with my family and then relocated to Southern California to start college upon my return. Alone in a new environment, I found myself without many friends or family members close by.

Life was moving much faster than I was able to handle, and I was shell-shocked by my family’s sudden move, my new surroundings, and college. Their relocation and college brought dramatic changes, along with fear, loneliness, and anxiety.

I felt overwhelmed by my new university campus and its vastness; alone, even though I sat in classes of 300 students; and challenged by the responsibilities of independence and adulthood.

Everything I had known had changed in a very short period of time. I tried to cope the best I could, but I resisted the changes by isolating myself even more from my new university and surroundings. It was the first and only time in my life I had contemplated suicide.

Several years after college, having achieved my career goals in the legal field, I started a legal services business. I helped immigrants, refugees, and people escaping persecution who’d come to the U.S. to navigate the hurdles to residency and citizenship.

I invested money, time, and my being into my law office. Not only was I preoccupied with the dire legal situations of my clients, but I also confronted the ups and downs of running a business.

Starting and running a new company is not easy, and mine was losing more money every month. While I found the nearly three-year venture immensely gratifying because of the lives I was able to help, it was time for me to move on.

It was a difficult decision, because I thought I’d found my career path. My life became engulfed with changes once again as I tried to close the doors to my office, close my clients’ cases, pay off my debt, and seek employment.

In between university and my business venture, I married a beautiful, gifted girl in India after an international romance. We were married for ten years and endured many of life’s personal and professional ups and downs together. Despite our problems, we both struggled to keep our marriage together. (more…)

August 15, 2012
Connect with Joy Instead of Searching for Joy

“There is no need to reach high for the stars. They are already within you. Just reach deep into yourself!” ~Unknown

I spent years searching for joy. For a long time, I thought that if I did the same things I saw in movies and on TV, I’d become a joyful person.

I also learned from my environment that I’d be happy when I acquired enough material abundance.

I got the toys I wanted and waited for joy to happen. I hoped that a new bicycle, new skis, a new TV in my room, and brand new Nikes would give me all the happiness I craved.

But they didn’t. Well, they did, but it didn’t last for long. I felt joy for a while—or at least I thought I felt it.

Then I wanted a car and I got it. Again I crashed. It was great driving it for a few weeks, but then I got used to it.

Next, I thought I’d feel free and independent if I had a new apartment—when I got that, I’d enjoy life. That lasted for a month or two, and then I got used to that. I can go on, but I think you got the point.

I was always pursuing joyfulness, but never actually feeling it for long. What was I doing wrong?

I was walking the paths that were supposed to lead to joy, right?

Then something occurred to me: What if I’m already on the joy way, and wherever I go, it leads me through joy—joyful cities, joyful adventures, and joyful challenges?

At that point, I started simplifying my life. (more…)

August 15, 2012
Are You Too Nice? How to Be Kind and Be Good to Yourself

“We must each lead a way of life with self-awareness and compassion, to do as much as we can. Then, whatever happens we will have no regrets.” ~Dalai Lama

I finally decided that I would call my friend. By then, our lunch plans wouldn’t have made any sense since it was getting close to midnight.

She answered and started speaking immediately. “Hey, I lost track of time. I’ve been running a lot of errands today. Oh, did you hear about this new job opportunity I’m getting? No? Let me tell you about it…”

I felt a wave of emotion within me.

This was the third time she had flaked on me this week, and it always ended with me calling her to find out what had happened. I noticed myself looking down at my feet at the end of our conversation, holding the phone in my hand as I said cheerily, “No, it’s totally fine! Don’t worry, I completely understand. I hope you have a good night!”

When I was younger, I would tell people proudly that one of my strong points was that I would never get mad.

“Have I ever been angry?” I would ask, knowing full well my reputation for being mellow. However, as time went on, I began to lose track of what being nice really meant.

When faced with challenges or confrontations with other people, I would automatically be agreeable, regardless of what I was feeling. However, on the inside I felt depressed and anxious.

I didn’t allow myself to share my thoughts and feelings, and this finally came to a climax when I was unable to speak my mind during my four-year relationship.

For me, being agreeable had transformed into something ugly and submissive, where at times I didn’t recognize myself. During arguments, I would attempt to be accommodating; however, when alone, I was caught up in self-pity and resentment.

I didn’t recognize this then, but I had made myself feel completely powerless. As I started to think about my day-to-day experiences with other people, I realized that I was being taken for granted.

People assumed that I would not speak out if I were upset. Whether I liked it or not, I had limited myself, and was having less genuine relationships with others. (more…)

August 15, 2012
Life Isn’t Good or Bad; It Just Is

“Freedom is instantaneous the moment we accept things as they are.” ~Karen Maezen Miller

Seemingly for months now, upon learning anything new, my seven-year-old daughter has asked me, “Is it good or bad?”

Not brushing at night—good or bad? One hundred degree temperatures—good or bad? Water leak in the furnace—good or bad?

Some things are more obvious than others, but it’s the stuff in the middle that requires a more subtle explanation, especially as I go through life with the stress and anxiety of trying to both deal with uncertainty and figure out life in the “new normal” called chaos.

I wrestled with trying to make her understand that sometimes life is neither good nor bad—it just is.

But like any child trying to adjust the settings on her moral compass, she had difficulty in trying to understand that there can be some things that fall neither in the good nor the bad category.

Recently something happened that tested this notion and, in some strangely profound way, might have helped me find a way to explain life (as I understand it) to my seven-year-old.

My wife’s grandmother passed away.

Having been raised by her grandmother for most of her young life in India, my wife was distraught and sad. Although my daughter had very little contact with her great-grandmother, given the vast ocean that separated them, she could tell that her passing affected her mom deeply.

At first we didn’t know how to explain the passing to our chirpy and inquisitive child. So we didn’t, for a day. We avoided it. But then, as seven-year-olds do, she overheard me on the cell phone explaining to someone what had happened.

Almost instantly, a happy-go-lucky child became eerily quiet upon hearing that her mom’s grandmother died. She didn’t have to ask if it was good or bad. It was bad.

But is it? (more…)

August 13, 2012
Balancing Social Time and Solitude: How to Find Your Golden Ratio

“A wise man makes his own decisions; an ignorant man follows public opinion.” ~Chinese Proverb

I’d like you to ask yourself a simple question: Do you know if you’re an introvert or an extrovert?

If you’re uncertain of the answer, you might accidentally be draining your energy with too much time spent socializing, or boring yourself to death with too much time spent in solitude.

Extroverts get energized by large groups of people and lots of external stimulation, whereas introverts energize themselves when they have time for themselves in low stimulus environments.

Understanding your social type can make a huge positive impact on the quality of your life.

My College Years as an Introvert

Back in the days when I didn’t understand my introverted tendencies, I used to think that there was something wrong with me.

Attending college in the U.S. was pretty confusing for a typical introvert coming from Finland.

There was a whole lot more partying and socializing going on that I was used to.

At times this environment was very exhausting for me since it didn’t fit my personality that well.

I went to bars and parties just like any other student, but I wasn’t always able to enjoy myself while there.

I remember one incident when my girlfriend, at the time, got mad at me because I looked miserable at one of the parties we were attending.

Of course, I wanted to fit in so I tried forcing myself to be more extroverted from there on.

That never really worked out.

I found it incredibly tough and draining to try to sell myself as an extrovert. The approach clearly wasn’t working for me.

It became obvious that something had to change. And since faking extroversion wasn’t really working for me, I began spending more time alone.

I discovered that taking time for myself was working pretty well, especially after days that had been full of socializing.

But soon I began realizing the drawbacks of this approach as well. I noticed myself drifting into bad moods after too much time spent in solitude.

I had moved from one extreme, of accepting all party invitations, to declining the majority of them. Neither extreme worked well for me.

This is when I first realized that I needed to find a good balance between the two approaches.

I learned a lot about myself during those years. I’m now able to arrange my ratio better between solitude and my social life. (more…)

August 13, 2012
See the Love Around You and You’ll Feel More Love Within You

“The most important thing in this world is to learn to give out love, and let it come in.” ~Morrie Schwartz

There is a Native American tale that tells of a young boy speaking with his grandmother. She tells the boy that she has the spirit of two wolves living and battling inside of her; one is vengeful and unkind, as he sees all the world as a threat, and the other is loving, secure, and nurturing.

The little boy asks his grandmother, “Which one will end up winning?” and the grandmother replies, “Which ever one I feed.”

We all have this pull inside of us: We can either nurture our fears and insecurities, or we can nurture our trust in love, kindness, and acceptance. This is not a new concept.

There is an endless amount of information out there about connecting with your inner self and finding happiness from within.

However, all that information can feel overwhelming and even discouraging. If you’re anything like me, you may find yourself still aching from a broken heart, or beating yourself up for the chocolate-chip cookie you just ate shortly after reading about finding forgiveness, gratitude, and self-love.

What I realized was missing for me in my quest for self-improvement—and what kept pulling me back to my old, familiar negative thinking, feeding the insecure wolf—was faith.

In order to make the meaningful changes that allow us to release the grasp of our fears and limiting thoughts and beliefs, we have to be willing to believe in the positivity—believe that we deserve to stop beating ourselves up and looking for an external solution to “fix” us.

It’s not enough to just think it. We have to believe it.

The limiting beliefs of our fears are deep-rooted, and so we need to meet them from our gut level. We need to really believe that it’s okay to step out of our darkness and connect with our light instead.

Okay. So, how do we do that? (more…)

August 12, 2012