Tag: wisdom

Letting Go of Fears and Worries About Getting Things Done

“Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing.” ~Unknown

As the days have continued on past the beginning of the New Year, my discontent has been growing as I’ve been thinking (or worrying) about how unmotivated I feel.

The holidays have come to a close, the New Year began, we made wonderful goals for ourselves, and yet, I’ve begun nothing. I wanted to write another article, keep up with my blog(s), organize my house, work on my finances and my fitness, and start new projects.

The holidays were rough to get through this year, but they are over now, and though I know it’s early in the year so I shouldn’t be too hard on myself, I still feel a sense of urgency and disappointment that I’m having trouble getting started.

This created more discontent and frustration. What could I possibly share with anyone with my head in this state? So, I did the only thing I thought I could—I let it go.

Sometimes realizations hit you like a ton of bricks, and this one did. Once I let that urgency go, I was able to approach the situation more calmly.

I was then able to realize that I was forgetting one of the most important lessons I’ve learned on my journey to better living: everything is happening as it should be.

This does not mean to live life with complete inaction.

You can’t, for example, bring in your mail, toss the bills on the table, and “let it go.”

The universe isn’t going to pay your bills for you. But letting the fear that you “don’t have enough” to pay your bills keep you from opening them, so as to avoid the scary situation inside, will only help you dig a deeper hole for yourself.

The “letting go” that I am referring to here pertains to the fear and worry.

No matter what the situation is, try to let go of the fear of what’s going to happen. Know that you really do have the power to take care of it. There is always a solution. You are not powerless. (more…)

January 30, 2013
10 Steps to Create Lasting Change in Your Life
“Our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world as being able to remake ourselves.” ~Mahatma Gandhi

From time to time I read my old journals. When the moment strikes me, I choose a journal at random from my bookshelf.

This time it was the beautiful green and gold one my mom had given me in what must have been September of 2010, because the writing chronicles my life from September 20, 2010 to January 1, 2011.

Basically, it is my perceptive exactly two years ago.

I had just started my second year of grad school and I was a month into my internship at an outpatient drug and alcohol rehab facility.

I loved what I was doing and I was really good at it. With conviction, I had found my passion.

During these documented months of my life, I was also:
- Catching myself being “in my head” and too hard on myself
- Feeling angry with my parents after identifying the residual effects of the parenting I received, and then forgiving my mom for not understanding how to foster my spirit
- Exploring my birth chart, seeing a psychic (or two), and using meditation and Dan Millman’s ideas to find my life purpose
- “Practicing” with men and dissecting the happenings of all my past romantic relationships
- Recognizing self-sabotage and self-deprecating tendencies and making an effort to change my self-talk (what I say and how I converse with myself when alone)
- Beginning to understand that my thoughts affect my behavior, which impacts the circumstances of my life
- Learning how to love myself, faults and all, and how to be my own partner so I know how I want a man to treat me
- Practicing presence—trying to stay in the moment
- Asking myself the hard-to-answer questions that I had previously been skilled at avoiding. Example: Why is my heart closed-off?
- Investigating vulnerability, yet still feeling unable to attempt it in any real way
- Trying to set personal goals
- Starting to have close, meaningful relationships with intelligent, curious, and motivated women for the first time in my life
- Acknowledging guilt I felt about making my life what I want it to be
- Struggling with verbal communication and assertiveness—what I needed to say to people in my life
- Starting to see what love really means—the action, the verb, instead of a noun (more…)
January 30, 2013
Free Yourself From Emotional Debt: Move Beyond Pain from the Past

“He who is brave is free.” ~Seneca

We all know what debt is. Some of us, most of us, still have a few we’re paying off.

Student loans, car payments, mortgages.

But what about the unseen debts, debts that are invisible to the naked eye but instead live within our hearts?

There are many invisible debts we pay—debts that are alive within us from the past: The father who walked out when we were little, whose approval we’re still seeking. The mother who was over critical, so we overwork ourselves to prove that we’re good enough. The time someone humiliated us, and it still stings.

What about these debts?

When will those be paid and filed away?

How do we cleanse ourselves of these, which are less obvious but certainly feel more real?

My emotional debt began when my dad left. I waited 15 years for him to come back, and when he did, he slipped back into my life like he never left.

He taught me to drive, took me to dinner, came to my graduation—all the great things that dads are supposed to do.

Then one day he disappeared again, and all those good feelings, the love we built between us, were gone, and all that was left was pain and devastation.

What I didn’t know at the time was that I created a wall around my heart—a wall to protect myself from getting hurt.

I decided that from that day forward I would always leave others before they could leave me.

I paid this debt for many years, getting close to people and leaving them on a whim. I felt no love really, but I also felt no pain. I was numb. I was detached from the pain I caused others because I wasn’t in touch with the pain inside my heart.

Through personal work I began to see the pattern I was living out, a debt I was paying, and I slowly developed tools for bringing myself back into the positive.

I want to share with you these tools that helped me dissolve my invisible debt so I could live a life of happiness and peace. (more…)

January 29, 2013
Envy Can Teach You Why You’re Dissatisfied with Yourself

“To cure jealousy is to see it for what it is: a dissatisfaction with self.” ~Joan Didion

For a few years in the late 90s, I had a date with the green-eyed monster every other Monday at 6:00 PM on the dot.

That was when my women artists support group met in my friend Anne’s studio.

For those three hours, like clockwork, the envy monster took over my body, mind, and spirit.

Oh, how I wanted a studio like Anne’s! Wide open space for her to paint, high ceilings, natural light through clerestory windows, a small office for her computer off the main room.

My own “studio” was a tiny bedroom, so small it was a miracle my drafting table even fit inside. Where Anne had spacious shelves and flat files to store her supplies, a sofa for visitors, and still had plenty of space left over to spread out and paint, I barely had space to turn around.

It wasn’t just her studio that I envied, either. Unlike me, Anne seemed to have a happy, functioning marriage. And her house was gorgeous, an old bungalow in pristine condition, with the kinds of details you just don’t find in newer construction: old hardwood floors, a fireplace with hand-made tiles, built-in glass cabinets in the living and dining rooms.

In expensive Silicon Valley, houses like this—even tiny ones—don’t come cheap, and I seethed with envy, wishing I could afford a place like Anne’s.

It takes a two-income family to afford such a home in my town, though, and with my marriage falling apart, I was soon to enter the ranks of the single-income—and a limited income, at that.

Face it, with her well-paying design work, her (also well-paid) husband, her beautiful house, and her to-die-for studio, Anne represented everything I wanted and did not have.

Hence that bi-monthly date with the green-eyed monster.

I should note that I didn’t begrudge Anne all of her riches. I was glad for her. (more…)

January 29, 2013
Share Your Vulnerable Story: Find Strength by Letting Others In

“Pain is not a sign of weakness, but bearing it alone is a choice to grow weak.” ~Lori Deschene

In February of 2011, I went to see my doctor because I was suffering from severe headaches that I figured were associated with using computers all day at my law job. After having a few tests, the doctor said that I wasn’t doing well and he suggested that I take a leave from work to focus on my health.

The next few months, I found myself in and out of doctors’ offices, medical labs, and hospitals on a weekly basis. With a variety of tests already done, my doctor suggested we do an MRI of my brain. I went for my MRI in June of 2011.

Weeks passed by after my MRI, and assuming no news was good news, I made plans for my summer. I decided to have a change of scenery and went to San Francisco for a fun summer job that didn’t involve computer work.

After a great summer there, I was in Toronto in late August for two weeks visiting my parents when I got a call from my neurologist in Vancouver.

She told me I had a brain tumor.

The floor dropped beneath my feet, my heart sank, and my mind raced, contemplating how I would break this news to my parents. I put the phone down, walked into the kitchen, and I told them. We hugged and then we cried.

In that moment, my life flashed before me. I was 28 years old, single, unemployed, and now, more lost than ever. I didn’t know if I would finish my law license, return to Vancouver, move back into my apartment, or when I would see my friends again.

But, as it always does, life went on. (more…)

January 28, 2013
Transform Your Life by Loving Yourself in Action

“Your actions are your only true belongings.” ~Allan Lokos

I used to be the kind of girl who relished stable and perfect surroundings. I fanned my magazines. I scrubbed the inside of the refrigerator.

I worked tirelessly to cultivate the external environment that I was lacking inside.

Externally, things were in order. The bills were paid. The laundry was folded.

Internally, I was a voracious black hole of yearning.

I consumed everything that was closest to me—food, love, validation—in an attempt to fill the void that I experienced on a daily basis. That feeling of not being enough, of seeking desperately for the last piece of the puzzle, the piece that would round me out and make me whole.

Instead, I obsessed over whether or not someone could find me loveable and used superficial benchmarks to validate my existence—grades, jobs, cash, and degrees from fancy schools.

But when I was truly honest with myself, I was able to notice where I was crumbling under the pressure of that external flawlessness.

How, in an effort to shellac over my imperfections, I was micromanaging those around me, offering help that had not been asked for, repairing others because I didn’t have the courage to believe I was repairable.

I required my own love and support. I needed my actions to resonate with the deeply hidden spark thriving inside my spirit, which held the space and the light in the hopes that someday I’d come to retrieve it.

Now, I often tell people that the spark inside of them, no matter how dim or deeply hidden, is like Tinker Bell as she is dying in Peter Pan. That, like Tinker Bell, that spark is enlivened and emboldened by the clapping and cheering and belief in its relevance.

That spark represents your inner wisdom, the light that will guide you directly toward a life that is tailor-fit to your specifications.

And yet, there was a time when I doubted its integrity, favoring the words and programs and gospel of experts and gurus, wanting desperately to be fixed, to be whole.

I was certain that if I just read enough or was good enough, that I would be transformed into a person deserving of a beautiful life.

It never occurred to me that I was the one that I was waiting for. (more…)

January 28, 2013
How We Appreciate Life More When We Stop Making Assumptions

“Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are.” ~Marianne Williamson

Our 12^th floor apartment overlooks Cape Town’s city bowl and harbor. The view is such that even on overcast days I’m drawn to the window each morning to breathe it in.

There’s a sense of being both a part of the world and entirely removed from it when you’re that high up.

It’s how I move through my life too; I’m either immersed in it or off on my own. This contrary nature is not without its challenges, especially when I’m called upon to be one thing when I’m clearly feeling another.

It’s precisely these moments, however, where if I lean forward in spite of my reluctance, that growth occurs.

That’s what happened to me the other morning. I was at the window enjoying the view when I noticed a man lying on the narrow concrete island that separates the two lanes of the busy road below.

His appearance led me to believe he was down on his luck, most likely homeless. I watched as he tried to pull himself into a sitting position. After a few attempts, he eventually gave up and just lay down on his back.

Cape Town has its share of street people, a lot of them with obvious substance abuse issues. As a result, whenever I see someone lying on the ground, I immediately assume they’re passed out from drinking too much.

Watching this man below, I figured him for a drunk too. It’s not a judgment call; alcoholism is an illness like any other. I’m simply pointing out how quick I was to pigeonhole him, and from 12 stories up no less.

Ordinarily, I would simply have gone on with my day, but something compelled me to call the city’s emergency number and ask them to send help. I’m not sure why.

Maybe it was because the man was lying precariously close to a drop that would land him squarely in the face of oncoming traffic if he fell. I don’t know—all I can say is that, in this instance anyway, I couldn’t ignore the fact that a fellow human being needed help. (more…)

January 27, 2013
7 Powerful Realizations That Will Help You Suffer Less

“More important than the quest for certainty is the quest for clarity.” ~Francois Gautier

Pain was my norm; not physical pain, but emotional pain compounded with mental self-torture. I was an introvert without introspection, painfully shy and unable to make eye contact. I caved to all manners of peer pressure.

I was a doormat and didn’t stand up for myself, although I would fight tooth and nail for someone else. It seemed like others often took advantage of my kindness. I took everything personally and cried a lot. Thoughts of suicide lasted for years.

After more than a decade of misery, I decided something had to change and was guided to self-acceptance work.

Gaining self-acceptance was the best thing I’ve ever done. It opened me up to a new perception of myself and to understanding what I did in the past that contributed to my pain.

In understanding myself and the motivations behind my behavior, I was more clearly able to understand other people’s behavior.

What I learned (and wish I knew then):

1. Our behaviors are driven by our needs.

Regarding: My kindness was often taken advantage of. I caved to all manners of peer pressure.

Was it actually kindness? Maybe it was weakness. Or was it people pleasing for the purpose of gaining approval? I came to believe it was the latter.

Everything I did—whether it was in my best interest or not, whether I wanted to do it or not—I did because it provided me with something I believed I needed. (more…)

January 27, 2013
We Have to Let Go of Who We Are to Discover Who We Can Become

“When I let go of who I am, I become what I might be.” ~Lau Tzu

In the spring of last year, a number of events challenged my sense of self and my sense of direction.

In March I realized my tax liability would be much larger than I’d anticipated, effectively depleting my entire savings account. The next month I had my first major surgery, something that terrified me and further burdened me financially.

Less than a month later, while my boyfriend was on a vacation I had to miss because I was recovering, a burglar broke into my apartment and stole everything of significant financial value that I owned.

One month later my grandmother passed away, surrounded by her closest family members. I’d missed the majority of the last decade of her life, but still, I was there.

Never before in my life had I experienced so much loss in one season. It was an overwhelming, emotionally challenging time.

And then, without really understanding my intentions, I tossed another loss onto the heap: I stopped writing every day for this blog, as I’d done previously for almost three years.

A part of me felt this urge to write about the same things over and over. So many times I started blog posts about how I felt uncertain, scared, lost, and sometimes, empty.

I’d write about my inner conflict over living 3,000 miles away from my family, with my boyfriend who’s from California, and how badly I wanted to move home after my grandmother’s death.

I’d write about how directionless I felt, with no desire to make any of the professional choices other bloggers often make—mentoring, coaching, or leading workshops.

I’d write about how ironic it was that so many people emailed me for advice about their lives, when in that moment in time, I had so little clarity about my own.

And then I’d stop. Three or four paragraphs in, I’d shut my computer, realizing I had no endings for those posts, and considering that maybe that was okay. (more…)

January 24, 2013
Why Quitting Is Sometimes the Right Thing to Do

“Celebrate endings, for they precede new beginnings.” ~Jonathan Lockwood Huie

We often think of quitting as failure. We commend people for carrying on when times get rough. The heroes in our action movies don’t just give up when things get difficult. When was the last time you saw Steven Seagal walk away from a fight?

As the saying goes, “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.” Society expects us to fight back and battle on.

But sometimes, quitting is most definitely the right thing to do.

Sometimes, it’s the best option. A lot of people assume that it’s the easy thing to do—that only defeatists and good-for-nothin’ drop outs would even consider such a “cop-out.” This is not the case.

I learned this myself when I finally made that looming decision to drop out of college. There it is: “drop out.” Even the words sound negative, as if I’ve fallen away from society, failing to meet my expectations. But I don’t see my decision as a negative thing at all, and it wasn’t the easy thing to do.

I had been at college for a year and two months; I had great friends, and everything was happily laid out for me.

Nothing was too demanding, especially considering I had only nine contact hours a week. People told me where I had to be and when. This must all sound fairly straight-forward and easy going.

Why, then, would I decide to give it all up and leave?

As idyllic as this lifestyle sounds (and probably was), I simply felt no drive to live it. I had no desire to follow these laid out plans, and this was making me extremely unhappy. Going to college was, in hindsight, a bad decision for me.

I rushed into the decision rather than taking a break to find myself in the world. (more…)

January 24, 2013
When You’re Pretending to Be Fine: 9 Tips to Deal and Heal

“Our strength grows out of our weaknesses.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I never thought I’d want to kill myself.

All my life, I’d been a strong, independent woman, building a business from home, raising two wonderful sons, and staying happy and positive throughout.

If you’d told me I’d one day consider taking my own life, I’d have laughed and said, “You’ve got me confused with someone else!”

But after twenty years and two sons together, my husband and I decided to split up.

So what? Separation and divorce are commonplace. You just cope with it like everyone else. I was strong, so not coping would mean I was weak.

But it hurt and hurt and hurt. And eventually I just wanted to stop. I couldn’t put my boys through that, but I couldn’t see another way out. So, while pretending to everyone that I was fine, I thought about it. Seriously.

What Do You Pretend?

Coping with everything life throws at you is tough.

Juggling all your different roles, trying to be all things to all people, and “shoehorning” so much into every day.

You and your needs aren’t even worth a mention on your very long to-do list.

You feel guilty and inadequate and worry that someday all those plates you’re spinning will come crashing down. You’re an amazing somebody who often feels like an invisible and overwhelmed nobody. Feeling lost and alone, living in silent despair.

Not always much fun being a grown-up, is it? (more…)

January 23, 2013
Love Your Body, Love Yourself: You Are Not Alone

“Judge nothing, you will be happy. Forgive everything, you will be happier. Love everything, you will be happiest.” ~Sri Chinmoy

I hated myself when I was a kid.

I was overweight and starting to really like girls, but they didn’t like me.

I didn’t want to take my shirt off in front of them, so I didn’t go to the pool. And, when my parents made one last ditch effort at their marriage and moved to Coral Springs, Florida when I was in fifth grade—away from my friends and my hometown of Davenport, Iowa—I didn’t go to the beach.

Any religious feeling I might have accidentally absorbed as a boy attending Prince of Peace Lutheran Church every Sunday, I channeled directly into prayers for the Roulette-like decision to be picked to play “shirts” not “skins” during basketball in gym class.

I felt overwhelming self-consciousness during those agonizing moments waiting for the gym teacher to go down the line, pointing his almighty finger at each player.

I sent my entreating pleas up to whatever deity would listen, asking to be saved from the humiliation of running and jumping without a shirt to hide my love-handles from the girls on the other side of the gym.

It’s like that scene in On The Waterfront where Marlon Brando stands on the docks with all the other men waiting to be chosen for a day’s work.

The men stand, anxious, cold with visible breath, waiting for the decision, hoping they look strong enough to work even though they haven’t eaten for days. If the foreman picks him, his family has dinner tonight.

If the gym teacher picks me to play basketball with my shirt on, well, then…

I can play basketball with my shirt on.

I look at kids now and wonder if they feel as sad, lonely, and serious about life as I did when I was that age. It seems impossible, but I’m sure some of them do, and I have great compassion for them trying to find comfort in their own skin.

It’s the kind of feeling I gravitate toward when I watch films and plays, and read books, and in my own work as I continue to develop my voice.

It’s a feeling, ineffable, a longing, an ache. (more…)

January 23, 2013
6 Ways to Live a Life of Passion and Adventure Right Now

“Life is inherently risky. There is only one big risk you should avoid at all costs, and that is the risk of doing nothing.” ~Denis Waitley

I remember dreaming for years about living abroad. First it was Italy so that I could discover my roots. Then it was Fiji because it seemed like the furthest place from Los Angeles (which I actually did, but only for two months during the summer of 2003).

After Fiji, there was an eight-year gap that was full of college and Corporate America. My daily routine involved waking up early, working all day, and studying all night. As I’m writing this I can picture myself a year and a half ago, sitting in my office and gazing out of the 20^th floor wondering what it would be like to live in another country.

Then one day I chose to stop dreaming. Instead, I chose to start planning.

I was fed up with my inability to take action and go for what I wanted. I gave myself eight months to save enough money, plan where I would go, and tie up any loose ends.

My goal was to live abroad for a year.

I worked two jobs, sometimes three, so I could save enough money for the school loans and credit card bills I would still have to pay while I was gone. I had no social life, but I knew that I was working toward a life-changing experience.

I wanted to get over the fluency hump in Spanish, so I looked into countries in Latin America. I also wanted to give back, so I looked into volunteer opportunities.

In September of 2011 I quit my job and moved to Costa Rica.

I volunteered for two months teaching English at a local school in a poor neighborhood. It was rewarding beyond belief. Then I spent a month getting TEFL certified so I could continue my travels and make money teaching English along the way.

Suddenly, panic struck. In December I thought the money was going to run out and I would have to go home.

As fate would have it, two weeks before I was due to leave, a friend told me about a job opening at a local company she had just started working at. She knew my background was in marketing and social media, and they just happened to have a Social Media Manager opening. I interviewed and got the job!

Then, as fate would have it (again), the Director of Communications quit the day I started. After the initial shock, I decided that my journey didn’t end there and applied for her position.

That same week I became the new Director of Communications for a multi-million dollar company in Costa Rica. What?! (more…)

January 22, 2013
We Are More Than What We Do: Allowing Our Authentic Nature to Shine

“The light at the end of the tunnel is not an illusion. The tunnel is.” ~Unknown

In this society of ours, parents teach their children to do, to perform, to produce. We learn that to be adult, we need to be “productive members of society.” At social gatherings, more often than not, the first question among strangers is “What do you do?”

My first memories include identifying so deeply with my movie director father that when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I always replied, “A writer and director.”

Then life happened, and I spent decades acting out the painful and abusive relationship I had with my mother. Although I wrote almost daily, my life settled into a hand-to-mouth survival existence that had nothing to do with writing.

A string of abusive relationships with men took the place of my unresolved relationship with my mother as I continued to act out the trauma of my youth in a repetitive cycle, all the while trying to keep a roof over my children’s heads and food on the table.

All thoughts of any kind of career fell away and were replaced by anxiety, depression, and the urgent need to pay this month’s bills.

When my mother died, much to my surprise she left me everything she had in the world, and I was able to buy a home and live for several years without worrying about money.

During that time, I quit my job and started to write in earnest. My goal was to publish a memoir about growing up in a motion picture family in Hollywood and share the lessons my childhood taught me about love.

These are the vastly over-simplified facts of my life. Less obvious was my growing self-identification as “writer” and a subtle yet mounting despair as time passed and I struggled to find a publisher or an agent to represent me.

Recently, in a rare moment of absolute clarity, I realized that I had come to identify so deeply with the book and the rich and enviable career of my wonderful father that I saw both as extensions of myself. (more…)

January 21, 2013
Relationships Should Complement Our Identities, Not Define Them

“On a deeper level you are already complete. When you realize that, there is a playful, joyous energy behind what you do.” ~Eckhart Tolle

The first rain after a long draught gets people talking about cozy things. Being with others, being physically close to others, going out in groups, staying in with someone. Sharing affection. Cold weather seems to always entail groups and partnerships.

What about when those groups and partnerships are missing from the tableau? The other night I was sitting in my apartment with my lanterns on, some incense burning, and some good reading material. The rain was trickling outside my window. The moment was perfect.

For once in my life, I didn’t have my normal thought: “This moment is so beautiful, but it would be better if someone was here to share it with me.” I was completely at peace, enjoying the presence of my own heart and mind.

This might not seem like a huge “Eureka!” moment, but it was for me.

I grew up an only child, so I’ve always craved that group interaction and the comfort of crowds. I made friends easily and was sometimes accused of serial monogamy; I was rarely single for longer than six months. I always felt surrounded—and by being surrounded, I felt protected.

Three months ago, however, I quit a job that made me unhappy and a relationship that was going nowhere, which had filled most of my time. I was face to face with myself in a frightening and jolting pause. I no longer had the noise of others to fill my silences.

Friends advised me to go out, work out, or find someone else. I did all three, sometimes in excess.

It alleviated my pain for a brief time. But I still felt hopeless, directionless. I took the long way in realizing something important: I needed to fall back in love with myself, which meant getting to know myself again, apart from the influences of everything else in my life.

I had spent so much time being something for others, filling my life with adaptation, that I had forgotten what it was like to be me. (more…)

January 21, 2013
People Aren’t Always Out to Get Us: The Good Beyond Appearances

“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.” ~Mother Theresa

Last year, I was on the CTA (Chicago’s public transit) heading to class to take an exam. Rather, I should say that I was rushing to class. I wasn’t running late, but I often got caught up in the hustle and bustle of Chicago during morning rush hour.

Something about the “rush hour” energy made me feel a bit anxious; and, although I, along with others, am at the mercy of the CTA with its frequent delays, rarely do riders strike up conversations with fellow passengers.

After making my usual transfer to another train line, I was able to find a free seat (which is hard to come by during rush hour), and I sat down.

I acknowledged the woman I was sitting near just enough to immediately write her off as being someone I wanted to ignore. She looked at me and smiled, and I gave a half smile back but turned slightly away to make it clear that I didn’t want to engage in chit-chat.

I am a warm person, hardly ever without a smile, and usually very open, but I was having a day where I just felt nonchalant toward other people, and the last thing I wanted was to feel “trapped” in a conversation with a “lowly” woman on the train who might pester me for money.

I pulled out my textbook, clutch in hand, to begin “reviewing” for my exam.

She began engaging me in small talk, and, after a few minutes, my disposition changed. My short answers became longer, and I became genuinely interested in what she had to say.

A year or so later, I have forgotten the specifics of everything she said to me, but I remember getting off the train feeling light-hearted after she told me a bit about her life. We had a short but beautiful conversation.

I got off at my stop, walked the couple of blocks to class, and entered the classroom when I realized I left my clutch on the train.

No time is a good time to lose your wallet, but I was leaving for the Middle East soon and would have to replace everything before my trip.

Well-played. (more…)

January 20, 2013
3 Reasons to Stop Trying So Hard to Be Positive and Peaceful

“Freedom is instantaneous the moment we accept things as they are.” ~Karen Maezen Miller

The world is filled with people who work hard at being positive, peaceful, and more spiritual and then feel bad when they don’t measure up. I know because I used to be one of them. And I still am from time to time.

That was before I realized something:

1 It doesn’t work.

2. Spirituality isn’t something you do; it’s something you are, and you are this right now. Just as beneath the chatter of your mind you are already positive and peaceful too.

3. You are already as spiritual as you’ll ever be.

There, article done: My views on trying to be more spiritual.

Well, okay, there’s more to it than this. Let’s back up—starting with a confession or two.

Confession 1: It’s after midday, I’m still in bed, and all I’ve eaten today is cheese.

(That was more like a warm-up confession; I mean, who doesn’t stay in bed with half a block of cheese from time to time? And in all fairness to myself, it was a small block.)

Confession 2: I try hard, at everything—or at least most things.

(My husband made me add the last bit because he said I don’t always try hard when we play backgammon.)

But seriously, or at least half seriously, if there were a lecture on How to Relax More and Not Try So Hard, I’d be in the front row, my hand in the air, with half a dozen questions. I might even take notes and record the lecture so I could listen at home.

For me, “trying hard” has been a badge.

We believe that if we’re successful, whatever success looks like in our sphere of influence, we’ll he happy and loved.

We’re all ‘’try hards”—we all do it; it’s a universal condition. Your trying will look different to my trying, but it’s all the same. (more…)

January 20, 2013
Writing a Letter to Your Future Self: Love Who You’ll Become

“Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are.” ~Chinese Proverb

Yes, I had reached the age of twenty-five. Still, I doubted this letter from my past would make it to me, all these years later. It was a simple creative writing assignment from when I was fifteen.

The teacher collected our letters to our future ourselves in self-addressed envelopes with stamps and promised to mail them ten years later. But, so much time had passed; would he keep his word? Would he even remember?

Thinking back on the letter, I tried to remember writing it. I vaguely recalled giving my future self some advice.

In my recollection, my fifteen-year-old self wanted to make sure I would continue to write and figure skate, and she probably assumed I’d be married and have a baby by now.

When you’re fifteen years old, twenty-five seems like a grown-up age, but I wasn’t feeling as grown up as I believed my younger self expected me to be.

Then, on a family vacation in San Diego, my parents brought me the mail from home. And in scrawled ink, there was a letter addressed to myself. I knew it was the one! I laughed delightedly and could not believe what was in my hands. I opened it eagerly and was astounded by the results.

The letter began in true, snarky fifteen-year-old fashion: “How much do you bet that this letter will never get to you?”

It continued to greet me casually as if we were having an IM chat.

Here are two key nuggets from the essence of the letter, which I found salient and beautiful: (more…)

January 17, 2013
30 Accomplishments to Be Proud Of

“Do something now that will make the person you’ll be tomorrow proud.” ~Unknown

A while back someone asked me to list my greatest accomplishments for 2012.

As I racked my brain, I thought of a few professional achievements that made me feel proud, but as for the top accomplishment, I kept coming back to the same thing: my sister’s wedding.

I wasn’t the planner, and I didn’t pay for the whole thing, but I was a big part of it.

Even though I live 3,000 miles away, I acted as her Maid of Honor, helped plan her bridal shower, planned a fun two-day Bachelorette party that meshed with her unique personality and interests, and traveled to Massachusetts on numerous occasions to be part of it all.

I felt excited to recognize this as my top accomplishment for a couple of reasons. First, it reminded me of how much I appreciate my family.

Particularly as someone who spent a lot of time isolated, I now believe my relationships are priorities—and I’m proud that I show it in action.

But also, it reminded me that accomplishments don’t necessarily need to entail productivity, promotion, sales, or profits. Sometimes the most fulfilling things we do in this world bring little recognition, yield no monetary results, and come without fanfare.

And yet, they still can mean so much and feel so completely satisfying.

I’d by lying if I said I don’t enjoy growing and expanding through my work, but I’ve finally realized that what I have to offer—to others and myself—far exceeds the fruits of my paid labor.

In a fast-paced, competitive world, where it’s easy to feel we’re never doing enough, it’s gratifying to recognize just how much we do to honor the people and things that matter to us.

With that in mind, I decided to create a short list of accomplishments that we may sometimes overlook.

If you’re looking to do something that will make you feel proud—or perhaps looking for a reminder that you already do so much—one of these ideas may resonate with you: (more…)

January 17, 2013
How to Find Peace When You Feel Scared About What Might Happen

“Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.” ~John Allen Paulos

I was in shock for about ten minutes after hearing the news, afraid while lying on the procedure table, and relieved when it was over.

Six months ago I had a mammogram. My checkup was supposed to be for a general mammogram—the one you get when you turn forty—but when I got there and told the technician that two days ago I had discovered a small bump in my right breast, the prescription was changed to a diagnostic one.

After some time waiting, the doctor came back and said that the small bump in my right breast was benign, but she had found calcifications in my left breast, and that another series of mammograms would be needed in six months.

Earlier this month I went for my six-month follow-up. After several uncomfortable mammograms, I was told that I would need to have a biopsy (sampling of tissue removed) to determine whether the calcifications were benign.

It turns out that in 20-30% of the population, calcifications are an indication of cancer.

After the initial shock wore off, I decided I would get a burrito to eat and not worry about it. I knew that this was an opportunity to grow and I was determined not to miss it.

Instead of using the two weeks before my biopsy as time to worry, I chose peace and serenity. I spent the time in reflection while de-cluttering my home and focusing on gratitude.

I was at ease in the space of not knowing whether the calcifications were benign.

I got the biopsy on November 19^th. Two days later, at 12:00pm (the day before Thanksgiving), I received a call with the results of a negative report. Not only was I ecstatic about the results, I was also pleased with how I handled the uncertainty of the whole ordeal.

What this experience taught me was: (more…)

January 16, 2013