Tag: wisdom

Brushes with Mortality: 5 Lessons On Dealing with Hard Times
“When we come close to those things that break us down, we touch those things that also break us open. And in that breaking open, we uncover our true nature.” ~Wayne Muller

As someone with a serious chronic medical condition, I have danced with mortality. Many times. It wasn’t until our most recent pas de deux, however, that I truly understood just how much this dance could impact me.

Nowhere was this more apparent than in my work as a hospice volunteer.

The mission of the San Francisco-based Zen Hospice Project—a Buddhist-inspired organization where I have volunteered for five years—is to bring kindness and compassion to those facing loss and death.

I trained to be a volunteer out of a deep longing to explore and evolve my comfort level with my own illness and mortality, as well as the mortality of those close to me.

Zen Hospice Project trains volunteers to practice the Five Precepts Of Hospice Care developed by its founder.

They are:
1. Bring your whole self to the bedside.
2. Welcome everything; push away nothing.
3. Find a place of rest in the middle of things.
4. Cultivate the “don’t know mind.”
5. Don’t wait.
While I have attempted to integrate these precepts at bedside (and in my life in general), I am also aware that I have remained somewhat disconnected from them.

For example, though I have always been able to easily listen with compassion as patients and family members voiced their feelings about dying; to hold a hand; provide a gentle foot massage; bring hot tea and fresh flowers; and sing to patients, I could not (or more aptly did not want to) fully feel the devastating grief that accompanies loss.

Until, that is, I returned to hospice work last year after undergoing emergency brain surgery.

Some background: As a child, I was diagnosed with a neurological condition called hydrocephalus that prevents the cerebrospinal fluid from circulating correctly in my brain. As such, a device called a shunt lives in my brain’s ventricles, keeping the fluid circulating properly. (more…)
February 18, 2013
You’ll Always Have This Day, No Matter Where It Leads

“If you surrender completely to the moment as they pass, you live more richly those moments.” ~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Last week on Valentine’s Day, my boyfriend Ehren and I had a meeting we’d both spent months working toward.

After writing and rewriting a romantic comedy screenplay for over a year, and consulting with a screenwriter friend to improve it, we’d finally secured a meeting with an agent—her agent. At one of the largest agencies in Hollywood. Presumably to represent us.

We couldn’t have been more thrilled to know our project might have a real future, and the timing of it, on Valentine’s Day, seemed serendipitous and made it even more exciting.

The opportunity felt even more gratifying because we’d both been in need of some good news since Ehren’s brother’s sudden passing in December.

We’d just moved out of our Los Angeles apartment with plans to spend time with his parents in the Bay Area and work on various creative projects together. Yet there were, mere days after our move, heading back to the home we’d just left.

Though we’d lived in LA for over two years, the city looked different through the lens of magnified possibility.

We spent the whole drive discussing our next screenplay and planning what we’d say in the meeting. I spent each moment of silence fantasizing about casting, filming, and premieres—a whole new life on the other side of this day.

We ate at a classic Hollywood deli and ran into one of my favorite comedic actresses. One day we’d write a role for her, I thought.

We then walked around the neighborhood for a good thirty minutes before arriving early but not too early for what seemed like the most important meeting of our creative partnership.

I jittered and rambled while sitting in the waiting room. I wanted to be sure that when we walked in, I said enough but not too much, and generally put my best foot forward for the best possible outcome.

So much had led to this one moment, and I felt that our whole future was wrapped up in it. (more…)

February 17, 2013
4 Tools to Reframe Stress to Feel Less Overwhelmed

“I know but one freedom and that is the freedom of the mind.” ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Stress, strain, tension, worry, overwhelm, nerves, feeling wound up, freaking out. Whatever we call it, the effects are universal.

Our adrenals rev up, uneasy thoughts cycle on the brain’s hamster wheel, butterflies flitter in the stomach, our moods swing. There are many different ways that stress manifests, and none of them are particularly enjoyable.

Stress is basically an emotion. It’s the way we feel when things aren’t going our way. “Things” can be as insignificant as feeling annoyed because we woke up two minutes before our alarm goes off; they can also be of the off the chart “I’m getting a divorce/changing jobs/applying to grad school/moving” variety.

Question: Why do we attach importance to certain experiences (and therefore feel stress in regards to them) and not to others?

Certainly there are the categories of events almost everyone would agree feel stressful: dealing with illness, starting a new job, or getting held up in traffic on the way to an important appointment.

However, most of us have had the experience of feeling stressed about something we rationally know is not that important, is not the end of the world, yet, there we are, experiencing those telltale signs that let us know we are tense.

What about the fact that one of us could feel excessive stress because we cannot get the particular brand of insert-favorite-food we want at the supermarket? Or that another one of us may feel a lot of tension because we have to wait in line at the bank?

Others of us may not find these events stressful in any way. However, we all have our own triggers.

What does this imply?

It implies we have more power over “stress” then we may realize. (more…)

February 17, 2013
Empower Others and Make a Positive Difference in Their Day

“Praise is like sunlight to the human spirit. We cannot flower and grow without it.” ~Jess lair

One of the more important lessons I learned as a child came from my father.

One day a beggar knocked on our door looking for a giving hand. Though I was a small child, I still remember how he looked. He was old, with an untamed beard and tattered clothes. He had a wretched odor; I imagine he hadn’t showered in months. He was, more likely than not, homeless.

I remember how my father treated him. I remember my father inviting him into our home, seating him in our kitchen, opening the fridge, and feeding him a hearty meal. I don’t remember much more than that, yet my father’s actions that day taught me an important lesson. It was a lesson about how to treat others. It was a lesson about empowerment.

Recently, I have gone on a journey in the world of altruism. I sought out “good people” in order to understand the characteristics that define them. What piqued my interest were not just their acts of kindness, but also an understanding of their inner world.

The inspiring, kind people who I met throughout my journey are incredibly influential teachers. It is worthwhile understanding their insights, the way they approach life, and more specifically the way they treat others. Meeting them has had a profound effect on my life.

One of the lessons I learned through my interaction with them was the importance of empowering others.

Each of our inner circles is growing and encompassing more people: children, significant others, friends, colleagues, and random people we meet and don’t know as intimately. As the circle grows, so too does our influence.

Every nod, every smile, every interaction can completely change the course of someone else’s day. We can either wield that influence in a positive or negative way. The people who I met chose the former.

The following I would like to dedicate to those special people who identify with their fellowmen, and use their influence to empower them. (more…)

February 14, 2013
30 Questions to Ask Yourself If You Have Doubts About Your Relationship

“Your mind will answer most questions if you learn to relax and wait for the answer.” ~William S. Burroughs

When I was in college, I could only afford to visit my family during summer and Christmas breaks. While I was at home, I particularly enjoyed spending time with one dear friend. We had known each other since junior high school, and I considered her the younger sister I never had.

During my sophomore year in school, she contacted me and revealed she had romantic feelings for me. She wanted us to start dating.

I was completely caught off guard. I had no idea she felt this way. Sensing my conflict, she asked that I think about it and said we would talk when I saw her that summer.

For the remainder of that semester, I agonized over what I should do. One night, when I was alone in my dorm room, I took a deep breath and asked myself some very important questions that I needed to answer but had been avoiding. Did I share the same feelings she had for me? Did I want us to begin dating?

By being still and questioning myself, I gained access to my inner voice, which I had been drowning out in my panic.

It revealed that while I did love her, I wasn’t in love with her. Pursuing a relationship primarily out of fear of losing her would have been unfair to both of us, and it would have caused us to not live in truth. (more…)

February 14, 2013
Why Relationships Fail: 4 Tips to Make Love Last

“Happiness mainly comes from our own attitude, rather than from external factors.” ~Dalai Lama

If you get married today, there is a 60% chance that your relationship won’t last. Is finding true love really that hard or is there something else going on?

A research group from the Heriot-Watt University found that many people have a “warped sense of the perfect relationship” and “unrealistic expectations from their romantic partner.” They concluded that they got these unrealistic expectations from Hollywood love stories.

These movies have us longing for a Cinderella or Prince Charming who will sweep us off our feet and make us happier than we have ever been. But can we really expect our partners to make us happy? Is that even fair to them?

When I figured out this wasn’t the right approach to a relationship, I had already been in two failed ones. “Failed” may not be the right word, because I don’t regret them and I’m still friends with both of my exes, but these relationships were based on needs, from both partners.

After the second relationship, I was single for a long time, and that’s when I started working on myself.

When I started to see some changes in myself and in my life, I felt the desire to have a girlfriend again. I mentioned this to my mentor, and he said, “It’s not the girlfriend you want; it’s what you think she can give you.”

This was a real eye opener for me.

I realized that this desire was my ego telling me there was something missing in my life and that I needed to find someone else to fill this gap for me. I didn’t have a person in mind yet, but I was already being unfair to her by expecting so much of her. I was demanding love.

Demanding Love Vs. Sharing Love

If you expect your partner to make you happy, you are demanding love. If you were happy when you were single, you’re more likely to be happy in your relationship. And when you’re happy, you can focus on “sharing your love” instead of “demanding happiness.”

Do you see how this can make a world of difference in your relationship? When you go from “needing” love, affection, and support to fill a hole in yourself, to “sharing” love and happiness from a place of fullness, your relationship (and life!) will blossom into something truly amazing and lasting. (more…)

February 13, 2013
3 Tips to Escape the Perfectionism Trap and Feel Good Enough

“I have done my best. That is all the philosophy of living one needs.” ~Lin-yutang

Perfectionism—the word brings to mind images of order and organization, of effectiveness and efficiency. This is what society expects from a “perfectionist,” and this is what is projected as desirable and attainable. There is an aspirational value to being a “perfectionist.”

Many people believe that perfectionistic tendencies motivate people to do their best and achieve their goals.

However, I can vouch for the fact that it actually feels like being caught in a trap. There is a feeling of suffocation and dread at not being able to escape. The joy of living is sucked out leaving one feeling inadequate and incompetent all the time.

I don’t remember how or when I fell into the trap. All I know is that I have suffered the pain of trying to be the perfect daughter, the perfect student, the perfect sister, the perfect friend, so on and so forth.

And I remember the exact moment when I realized I was trapped.

It was when I was fifteen and in the tenth grade. In India, the tenth grade examinations are considered extremely important. These are the examinations that would decide whether or not I got into a college of my choice.

I always did well academically, and needless to say there were expectations from those around me to perform well in these exams. I had to live up to these expectations—or so I thought.

That thought was enough to drive me into what was unarguably the darkest period of my life. As a teenager I was already dealing with issues of body image, being bullied, and trying to make friends. Added to this mix, my desire to excel academically pushed me over the edge.

I cried myself to sleep. I had suicidal thoughts. I wanted to run away from home.

I rebelled against my parents. I magnified even the smallest of my mistakes and obsessed over imagined flaws in my personality. I simply wasn’t good enough.

I was constantly depressed and wouldn’t tell anyone why. This worried my parents, especially my mother. She took me to see a guru she trusted in the hope that maybe he could help me.

The guru, a kind and wise man, just asked me one question. (more…)

February 12, 2013
Dealing with Painful Memories to Find Peace in the Present

“The practice of forgiveness is our most important contribution to the healing of the world.” ~Marianne Williamson

I awoke early one morning, the cries and pleas of my dreams slowly dissipating, and though I could no longer hear or see what was happening, it stayed with me as I drifted back to the real world. I knew this story; I had dreamed a memory, and the remains of it stayed with me in my body.

Like a dark cloud it made me pull my knees into my chest, and it forced salty tears from my closed eyes. I had dreamed of a day almost two years ago.

I had dreamed of the day I was raped.

I was fifteen, and though at first I consented, I revoked that consent, but it happened anyway. That was the dream I had awoken from. The cries were mine; that voice that was begging him to stop was mine.

It was like reliving it again, and again and again.

Memory is a funny thing. Since that day I have gone to many therapy sessions, I have made many changes in my life, I have even come as far as being able to forgive him for what he did, and myself for the choices I’d made to put me in that situation, but the memory remains.

When that emotion hits me, I feel like I did the day it happened. I revert back to the little girl I once was, and all of the progress I’ve made is somehow washed away with the tears.

I awake and I don’t feel like I’m living in this body, in this world. I am stuck somehow somewhere else, in the foggy place of memory. And it’s very hard to get out. I feel like it was my fault, like I am not worthy of a good life.

I feel broken, and all I want is to be alone.

I don’t always dream of him. The memories come and go, and I have learned ways to deal with it when the wall of emotion and trauma hits me. I have learned that sometimes it doesn’t get easier with time and that sometimes we have to succumb to the feelings we have in order to release them. (more…)

February 11, 2013
From Broken Heart to Open Heart: When Breaking Up Is a Good Thing

“When you blame others, you give up your power to change.” ~Dr. Robert Anthony

On March 18^th, 2011, I received an email that forever changed my life.

“You got me—I’m seeing someone else.”

That’s the only line I remember. I had noticed that my boyfriend at the time had been acting “strange” and confronted him on it. He fessed up to me in an email while I was at work. There was nothing I could do and nowhere I could go.

I felt that burning sensation on the back of my neck. I wasn’t sure what to do next, so I sat there at my desk in my office in a haze for the rest of the afternoon.

I spent the next few days plugging along, assuming that since I had not shed a single tear, everything was just fine. It wasn’t.

Three days later, I walked into my house after an evening of hanging with friends, and all of sudden it hit me: He was gone. I was alone.

I broke down, sobbing uncontrollably. I saw no hope, just days and days of pain ahead of me. Unfortunately, that would come to be true.

Until that point, I was a “relationship jumper.” I’d move from one relationship to the next with little to no break in between, and had done so for fourteen years and four serious relationships.

Not once during that time had I stopped to think about what I wanted.

My fear of being alone far outweighed any desire to get to know myself, so I continued on from one relationship to the next, wondering with the ending of each one why it had failed.

Of course, I blamed all of them. There couldn’t possibly have been anything wrong with me. I was a good girlfriend—I supported them, was there for them, gave more than they did, kept my mouth shut and tried not to get angry with them, stayed with them even when I knew something didn’t seem right. (more…)

February 11, 2013
7 Realizations to Help You Deal with Feeling Judged

“Judge nothing, you will be happy. Forgive everything, you will be happier. Love everything, you will be happiest.” ~Sri Chinmoy

Are you judgmental? Not many people would be aware if they were, let alone admit to being so, but it’s so easy to form an opinion about a person or situation without knowing all the facts.

What if the conclusions people spring to could really hurt someone? I like to think there are very few people who would actively want to upset others. Has someone passed judgment on you? What can you do if you feel misunderstood?

I want to share with you an unpleasant situation I was in recently, which has had a great impact upon my personal growth.

A few years ago in my thirties, I was in a car accident that caused me some spinal damage and exacerbated a pre-existing pelvic condition, subsequently leaving me initially in a wheelchair.

Currently, I am at a stage where I can now stand unaided and potter around a bit, but I still rely on a wheelchair or crutches for more than short periods of standing or walking.

One evening my partner surprised me with theater tickets. I hadn’t been getting out much—outings now need to be meticulously planned—so I was really excited.

We were lucky enough to be able to park in the disabled bays right outside the venue (I am registered disabled and have a badge). We sat in the car and discussed whether I should take my crutches inside, as I was quite anxious about blocking the aisles. We decided that with his support I would manage the few steps inside without them.

The first upset of the evening was getting out of the car. A man queuing for a space behind wound down his car window and shouted that we should be ashamed of ourselves for parking there. We clearly didn’t “look” disabled, and we literally “made him sick.” Hmmm.

This wasn’t the first time something like this had happened. I have a hidden disability, and unless I am in a wheelchair or using an aid, I look perfectly “normal” and am (relatively) young.

I tried to concentrate on the show for the first half, but the evening had been ruined for me by then. In the interval I needed the bathroom. The female bathrooms are down two flights of stairs (no elevator), which I couldn’t manage, so I went into the disabled bathroom on the ground floor.

When I came out, there was a queue of old ladies.

The first lady in the queue took one look at me and declared to her friend in a loud voice, “Young people are so lazy nowadays.” She looked at me and said, “There’s nothing wrong with your legs,” and rapped me across my ankles with her walking stick! I went home in tears.

This evening affected me emotionally for weeks. (more…)

February 10, 2013
Ending Codependency in Relationships: Find Who You Really Are

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” ~Oscar Wilde

I remember clearly and will never forget the golden moment when I revealed my truth. Out through the locked up, suppressed little voice hidden deep down within, I allowed myself to say, “I always feel as if I need to give people what they want.”

It was almost as if lighting struck and the clouds parted at the same time. I sat there comfortably in the chair of my therapist’s office, and with a deep breath I knew that “it” was over. I did not know what “it” was, or the amount of work and change that would follow, but I knew that I was ready and willing.

I grew up codependent. From the influence of an alcoholic, narcissistic father to the string of narcissistic relationships formed afterward, my identity evolved through who I was to others and what I had given to them.

A relationship with a narcissist defines your existence as not your own, but as a part of theirs. Others saw me as shy and nice, but I didn’t realize that I was lost and without balance.

I wanted others to be their authentic selves, truthful and free, but I could not do that for myself, so I continued giving up and giving in. Not all was bad—life is beautiful in each form—but I knew I would need to learn something different, as I always struggled with fear and anxiety.

So I have learned something different. It’s taken a long time, but things have been getting better. If you’ve also realized that you are codependent, these ideas may help you dig down and reveal your true, authentic, beautiful self.

Create a relationship with yourself.

Remember the scene in Runaway Bride where Julia Robert’s character decides she will choose what kind of eggs she likes instead of choosing the kinds that her former partners liked? This simple act is where it can all begin. I make an effort to just ask myself honestly, “How are you doing?”

Take time to focus on your preferences, likes, dislikes, and so on, learning more about the things that make you happy and unhappy, and healthy ways to deal and cope with the latter. It’s important to always stay centered. (more…)

February 10, 2013
3 Little Questions to Help You Deal with Life’s Big Changes

“Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.” ~Karen Kaiser Clark

Change happens.

It’s often unnoticed, or it may simply be a slight nuisance. It’s sometimes uncomfortable, or excruciatingly painful. Once in a while, it’s life-changing. But it’s also transforming.

Sometimes I awake in the morning or I simply look out the window into the woods, and I realize I’m not the person I was the day before, or even a moment ago.

That realization brings me such pleasure, to know that I am becoming a better version of me than I was. The newness, the now-ness, the opportunities to continuously morph into who I want to be is, at moments, mind-blowing. I appreciate this sort of change.

Everything changes. But we forget this, constantly. That’s because it’s sometimes downright scary to think about change.

Sure, we like the good changes—we appreciate the little ones and celebrate the big ones. But the bad ones, none of us likes those, however small they may be or even how much we may wish them away.

We become irritated when a construction zone causes us to take another route to work. We get angry when people don’t do what they said they would do. We are deeply pained when people decide they no longer want us in their lives. We grieve uncontrollably and inconsolably, and understandably so.

When I think about it, I realize I am very attached to specific expectations, certain ways of being, and the people I love most dearly.

This attachment, while often pleasurable and a source of such happiness, also causes me to feel discomfort and pain, to act simply out of habit or from fear, and to worry and grieve.

Some changes are big. (more…)

February 7, 2013
Leaving the Safety of Something Familiar When You Feel Scared

“To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest.” ~Pema Chodron

Winter is a time for hibernation, I told myself, drinking a second cup of coffee under the duvet, flicking absent-mindedly through old magazines and self-help books bought in a brief conviction that I wouldn’t begin another year reading in bed.

It seems perverse that, in the Northern Hemisphere at least, this time meant for reunion and resolution (neither of which is easy or straightforward) should occur in the darkest of seasons—when the sun barely even rises and the general inclination is to climb into a hole and only reemerge in spring.

This year I had returned home after a five-year absence, which had seemed longer. During that time, I had spent Christmases in random parts of Asia that, if listed, would sound romantic and exotic—temples, jungles, and mountains.

But that time had been largely marked by loneliness and bewilderment at why I always choose to be far from those I’m meant to be closest to.

Travel, in its constant offering up of newness and discovery, always seems to promise another chance at reinvention. Maybe this is in part why I do it, never having found a version of myself I’m comfortable enough to settle with.

And yet, once back in familiar surroundings and familiar relationships, it never takes long for this promise to fade and for old habits to reappear. Over the past weeks, I’ve had to keep checking photos, maps, postcards, just to remind myself that what had gone before was in fact something I lived, not merely a dream.

The previous three months I had been traveling, over-ambitiously combining Thailand, China, and India in an attempt to compensate for a year of teaching in a chaotic Asian city.

My intention had been to get myself out of the dysfunctional routine I had created while teaching—the six-day work-week, an addiction to HBO and my sofa, overreliance on a few good friends—and throw myself back into Life with a capital L.

Unfortunately, over the course of the year, I had learned to become a person suited to precisely such a routine, cutting off the part of myself that secretly wanted connection and community even as I hid away.

After all, old habits die hard. During the acute social phobias of my teens and twenties, I had become skilled at avoidance—often not stepping out onto a street for days on end—and while one of my tough-love strategies for overcoming the fear had been to start working as a teacher and traveling the world, it now became painfully clear that it was still there, still part of the baggage.

So now I was out of the nest all right, but once more I had completely forgotten how to fly. Learning how to travel again was beautiful, awful, and everything in between. (more…)

February 7, 2013
The World Is a Kinder Place When You’re Kind

“Don’t wait for people to be friendly. Show them how.” ~Unknown

Sometimes I stop to think about how in the world I ended up where I have. I started off with very little, and somehow along the way I have ended up generally happy and on my own two feet.

My adolescence up to my early twenties had its share of dark days. Whether or not we are lucky enough to have a small handful of people that stick by us no matter what, more often than not we can find ourselves feeling incredibly lonely.

For a long time through my rough days, I held a sort of grudge against the rest of the world. I had convinced myself that everyone was only looking out for themselves, and I had lost faith in the idea that people were mostly good.

Where was that feeling of community? Or helping out your neighbors? What about equality and accepting others’ differences?

The world felt large, dark, and lonely. I felt very let down.

What I didn’t realize at the time was that as much as those close to me have influenced my growth and my life, those I consider strangers have made just as strong an impact. By closing out the rest of the world, I was really hindering my growth and happiness. Let me explain.

I had an accident a few years back, and unfortunately, I was far from home and by myself when the incident occurred.

Many strangers witnessed the accident and casually passed by. Two people who could have just as easily done the same, leaving the accident for someone else to take care of, chose to step in and come to my aide.

They had no obligation to help, and in fact, had places to be. Instead, they stopped to help me, waited until the paramedics arrived, helped to contact someone I knew, and confirmed that I would be okay.

I was shocked that people who didn’t even know my name were spending so much time taking precautions to ensure my safety.

My world was jolted—and I kind of liked it. (more…)

February 5, 2013
Learning to Trust: Let Go of Your Fear and Let Your Guard Down
“The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.” ~Ernest Hemingway

In love and in life, our vulnerability is one of our greatest strengths. We often believe that we risk too much by being vulnerable, but, in fact, the opposite is true. When we build a wall around us to protect ourselves from our big, bad fears, we miss out on so much.

When we live with the mindset that something may be taken from us (physically or emotionally), or that we need to be in control of everything that happens, we endure fear on a daily basis.

It’s exhausting to live this way. It makes us cynical, suspicious, and unable to follow our hearts because we are afraid of what might happen.

So what exactly are we protecting ourselves from when our walls are up?
- Fear of rejection
- Fear of being ridiculed
- Fear of failure
- Fear of being wrong
- Fear of committing ourselves and having to follow through
- Fear of being taken advantage of
These fears are so normal that, unless we become self-aware, they can permeate our everyday interactions. It’s not just about trusting people either, but also life situations and opportunities that come our way. When the barriers are up, our lives become needlessly limited.

We don’t bother talking to that person because we’re certain they won’t be interested in a date. We don’t show how much we care about a person because we’re afraid they won’t love us back. We don’t go for that job or that course because we’re scared we won’t get an interview.

Nobody likes to feel exposed, but if you are someone who has suffered at the hands of betrayal, trust issues become even further magnified.

Learning to be vulnerable after deep pain can feel impossible. But it doesn’t have to be. If you consciously choose to stay open and trusting, you will find that your world changes for the better in ways you may never have imagined. (more…)
February 5, 2013
Wanting to Feel Good and Look Good: Why Do We Do What We Do?

“Nothing is either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” ~Shakespeare

Have you ever stopped to question why you do what you do? Or how it looks to other people?

I’ve done this pretty much all through my life. In fact, an outsider might say that I’ve spent more time analyzing my place in the world than experiencing it.

In some ways, this is true, and not uncommon for someone who’s chosen to be a writer.

As a young child I used to silently mouth the words of what I’d just said after every sentence I uttered.

Even as a kid, I felt this need to rethink my thoughts after speaking them, and because I was too young to realize it looked strange, I did this while moving my lips.

I wondered why I’d said what I’d said, and how others might have heard it.

This followed me through life, and later manifested in a desire to not only say the “right” thing, but also to do it.

Never was this more important to me than in my mid-twenties, after I’d spent the majority of my adolescent and young adult life self-destructing and unintentionally hurting others—something that, I feared, confirmed that I was a bad, selfish person (ironically, the same fears that led me to self-destruct).

I wanted so badly to be good. To do good. To look good. I imagined and hoped that this was the key to feeling good.

I didn’t want to be selfish—that was bad. So I concluded that I needed to be selfless.

I didn’t want to crave so much attention—that was bad. So I concluded that I needed to be humble.

I didn’t want to be or be seen as manipulative—that was bad. So I concluded that I needed to prove that I had good intentions.

In retrospect, I can see that these realizations and conclusions sparked my initial interest in the personal development industry six years back, and they informed how I did what I did. (more…)

February 5, 2013
Stopping Comparisons: Reclaim Reality and Raise Your Self-Esteem

“The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel” ~Steve Furtick

Have you ever wondered when the turning point was? When did you start questioning yourself and believing you were missing something? When did you stop thinking of yourself as invincible and start noticing what others called “flaws”?

As a teenager and young adult, I struggled with severe depression and anxiety.

In my early twenties, I entered treatment for my eating disorder, a decision that proved to be life-changing in the most positive of ways.

During my second stint in treatment, I met a young woman who was a year older than me, and the walking embodiment of everything I wanted to be. I felt threatened, intimidated, and highly insecure every time we were in the same room.

She was smart, beautiful, spoke French better than I did, and had a loving boyfriend. I wished that I had her olive skin and shiny dark hair, not to mention her exquisite wardrobe.

However, I also quickly learned how much she and I had in common, including an insurmountable desire to be envied and admired for our accomplishments. Our similarities caused us to repel against each other like the similar poles of a magnet. (more…)

February 3, 2013
5 Reasons to Stop Keeping Score in Relationships

“It’s one of the most beautiful compensations of life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

During my freshman year of college, my group of friends would always hang out in my room.

For the most part, I enjoyed playing host.

Then certain things started to bother me. People would constantly be eating my snacks, and I would constantly be cleaning up after them when they left.

Day after day, I would provide my friends with food. They would make a mess eating it while sitting on my bed. And they wouldn’t clean up after themselves.

Perhaps this sounds trivial to you, but over time I found it very annoying.

And after a few months of this, I became resentful toward my friends.

The problem here was that I couldn’t help but “keep score” in my relationships with them.

What do I mean by this?

Every time I gave my friends food, I would mentally record it, and expect to get something of equal value in return.

In my mind, I was giving way more than I was getting.

And then every once in a while when they would come in and offer me some of their food, I felt even worse.

“How can they think that this is enough after all I’ve given them?”

If they thought they were giving me a sizeable gift, then suddenly I felt obligated to pay them back to keep the balance in my favor.

In hindsight, I see how disturbed this way of thinking is. But at the time, it all made sense to me.

Keeping score got me nowhere, other than feeling bad and deteriorating my relationships.

This kind of mindset is toxic. It causes nothing but harm.

Think about your own life and your own relationships. Chances are you are keeping score in some of them.

And I bet it’s having the same effect on you. (more…)

February 3, 2013
Who Do You Think You Are and Is It Limiting You?

“To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest.” ~Pema Chodron

One of my yoga teachers, Johanna Aldrich, inspired me to inspect what I “thought” I was.

“This is what I am, this is what I am not, this is what I do, this is what I don’t do, this is what I like, that is what I don’t like.” All the stories and behavior patterns gathered in 40+ years that I had created to define myself.

Of course, I had reasons and whys behind all of these things I “thought” I was. I had tried a few of those things and long ago made my decisions but in some cases had never even tried. Some of the reasons were real and some were imagined.

But what are these things really but just stories?

They’re the stories that we tell ourselves over and over again in order to feel comfortable or hide from difficult realities. I avoided many things with my stories so I wouldn’t have to experience failure and disappointment—just wanting to feel loved, good enough, part of something.

It’s interesting to me how the mind wants to have everything figured out. It provides us some sort of comfort. This can also be seen in victims of trauma and violence in a much more heightened way, but all of us have used our stories to try to gain ease of mind.

So I spent 2012 intentionally doing the opposite of what I would normally do. I tried for the first time and also re-tried many things with a beginner’s mind. I: (more…)

January 31, 2013
Interview & Book Giveaway: Misadventures of a Garden State Yogi
Note: The winners for this giveaway have already been chosen. Subscribe to Tiny Buddha for free daily or weekly emails and to learn about future giveaways!

The Winners:
- Louise
- dafree
- Dee
Yoga, road trips, and personal stories that border on TMI—these are all things I enjoy, which might explain why I was drawn to Misadventures of a Garden State Yogi.

In this engaging self-help memoir, author and yoga teacher Brian Leaf shares his experiences healing Colitis and ADD through yoga.

Including anecdotes from a cross-country journey during which he tried many different studios, Brian provides a window into his spiritual journey and shares how he established his own personal formula for happiness.

Honest, entertaining, and insightful, Misadventures of a Garden State Yogi shares how one man healed himself from within and inspires us to access our own personal power.

I’m grateful that Brian took the time to answer some questions about himself and his book, and that he’s provided three copies for Tiny Buddha readers.

The Giveaway

To Enter:
- Leave a comment on this post sharing one thing that made you smile today.
- For an extra entry, tweet: RT @tinybuddha Book Giveaway: Misadventures of a Garden State Yogi – Comment and RT to win! http://bit.ly/XMFo9t
You can enter until midnight PST on Monday, February 4th. (more…)
January 31, 2013