Tiny Buddha

Tag: wisdom

  • Patience Is a Virtue but Don’t Wait to Be Happy

    Patience Is a Virtue but Don’t Wait to Be Happy

    Happy

    “Don’t be afraid of death; be afraid of an unlived life. You don’t have to live forever; you just have to live.” ~Natalie Babbitt

    And don’t wait to say what you need to say. And don’t wait to live the life you want to live.

    Yesterday we lost a dear friend to cancer. Ken was sixty-eight. Five months ago he and I hung out on the beach drinking out of coconuts with a straw. We were at a personal growth retreat that my husband and I conduct every winter in Mexico.

    He was the happiest I had ever seen him and he knew he only had months to live.

    Ken spoke of how he always assumed he would live to be a ripe old age. His father did. His father lived into his nineties. But a year ago Ken found out that he had a brain tumor and less than a year to live.

    Ken was the one who pointed the way for my husband and I to find our life purpose and our own happiness. He recognized a perfect fit for us with an old wise couple—who then became our mentors, who would teach us how to be happy by helping others learn to love themselves.

    Growing Ourselves

    Poignantly enough, I also lost my father two weeks ago. His death was a blessing. He was suffering from severe dementia. Ours was a complicated relationship; we had a sweet and sour life together. He was my first best friend until I was eleven and then my worst.

    Who I have become is partially due to my relationship with him. Through his early example and encouragement I became courageous and kind to all beings and because of his abuse, I became deeper and chose to live a more conscious life.

    Because of him I learned to speak up against abuse, regardless of the sacrifice (years of disconnect with my family) and learned how to heal myself. And likely because of him, I ended up devoting my life to helping others to heal themselves and find wholeness.

    I regret and sadden myself that my dad never stepped up to do any personal work in his own life. But this was his life to do the way he wanted, consciously or unconsciously. And I relieve myself in that I had nothing more I needed to say to him, and I feel complete.

    Ken’s relationship with his kids was also not easy. But the difference between Ken and my dad was that Ken continued to work on himself, to grow, to consciously try to heal his relationships with his adult children.

    Finding Happiness

    On the beach that day last winter Ken was finally happy because for a week he stopped striving to make something happen.

    He finally took residence in his body, really soaked up the lovely environment we were in, and began to feel his life rather than analyze it. And he began to really love himself and let in the love from the group he was with that week on the beach.

    He shared with my husband, afterward, that during that week he had done the work he needed to do before dying and so he could say he was ready to return home to die. He was fully awake and enjoying each present moment. He died consciously and with no regrets.

    Life is full of surprises and many of us are unlikely to live as long as we thought we would. What if we were to become really conscious of our impermanence now, without needing an impending death sentence to wake ourselves up?

    What if we begin to say what we need to say to those we care about (they may not live as long as we think they will either)? What if we express the unexpressed appreciation or heal the wounds we’ve carried around with us—wounds given and wounds received?

    Right now is the best time, regardless of our age, to do the personal work we need to do, work that will ultimately bring us to a place of self-acceptance and self-love. Fortunately, Ken found grace six months before he died. But let’s not wait that long!

    What if we started right now? What if we didn’t wait to start living the lives we really want to live. What if we didn’t wait to be happy?

    If we do that, we can feel satiated and feel ready to die when we arrive at our ending.

    How lovely would that be?

    Photo by Nattu

  • How You See

    How You See

    How You See
    Source

  • 7 Benefits of a Surprisingly Simple Meditation Technique

    7 Benefits of a Surprisingly Simple Meditation Technique

    “Our way to practice is one step at a time, one breath at a time.” ~Shunryu Suzuki

    I blinked my eyes, wiggled my toes, and carefully heaved my right foot out from under me. It had gone completely numb after twenty minutes of meditation. I prodded it tentatively.

    “The idea is to be able to meditate wherever you are,” our teacher said, pouring out some green tea as we stretched, “to be really present in whatever it is you are doing—cutting the lawn, doing the dishes, whatever it is. To simply breathe in…and out…and just be.”

    “You don’t have to sit still,” she continued, “you can do ‘moving meditation.’ It can be done through yoga, or any other form of movement. People do it in many different ways—swimming, cycling… Don’t tell me people who go walking aren’t meditating.”

    I was now rubbing my foot, which was tingling with pins and needles, but was distracted by the revelation.

    Moving meditation! Of course!

    I thought back to all the walks I’d done through the British countryside.

    It was true: walking was meditation, even if I didn’t realize it at the time.

    As I left the class, I thought about how walking had taught me so many important lessons; and most importantly, lessons I learned in my body and not just my mind.

    So if you can, I’d encourage you to get out of the city and go for a walk.

    Here’s why:

    1. You will learn to cope with the ups and downs.

    There are times when the going is easy, where you run for the sheer exhilaration of it.

    But you’ll discover inner reserves of strength to cope with the pouring rain and the difficult climbs, and appreciate the blue skies even more.

    2. You will learn that small steps quickly add up to a big achievement.

    When I was pregnant, I had muscle pain in my hip, which made walking extremely painful. I ended up on crutches, taking the tiniest step after small step in agony.

    It took me forty-five minutes to walk a route that usually took ten.

    But I knew I would get there in the end if I just kept moving, because, as my dad always says, “Just remember, all you have to do is get one foot in front of the other.”

    And then do it again.

    And again.

    It feels like glacial progress when you’re in the middle of it.

    But when you look back, you will marvel at how far you’ve come.

    3. You will learn that sometimes, the path ahead is unclear.

    This is when you have to really be courageous, trusting your intuition and experience to find the right path, and finally coming to a decision, and moving on.

    4. You will learn flexibility.

    Often when walking, you have to change your route because the weather or other unexpected obstacles can dash the best-laid plans.

    You will learn to shrug your shoulders, go with the flow, and adjust.

    5. You will learn to keep going, no matter what.

    It’s called perseverance.

    When the climb uphill seems endless and painful, you remind yourself that the pain is temporary.

    You know from doing this countless times before that it will be so worth it in the end.

    6. You will learn to appreciate every sparkling, unique second.

    When you’re walking, your senses are alert. You are truly alive.

    You notice curious birds hovering overhead, a blade of grass fluttering in the breeze, the sounds of a trickling stream, the shape of the cloud, and the way the wind ripples the water on the lake.

    You will marvel at how the combination of all these things on this particular day at this particular moment will never again be repeated in the entire history of the universe in quite the same way, and feel so grateful.

    Others may be making the same journey as you, but the paths they chose to the top may be different. They’ll see different things, and experience the day uniquely.

    No one will ever experience this moment in the same way as you.

    7. You will learn the importance of the journey.

    They say when you’re having fun, time flies.

    But I think that’s wrong, because when I walk, time seems to slow down.

    I absorb so much, notice so much, simply be so present in the walk that I feel like I’ve been walking for hours when in reality, only a short time has passed.

    Actually, it is when I’m in my normal routine in London that the days whiz by in a flash, and I wonder what I’ve achieved.

    The familiar surroundings, the concrete of the city, the crowds of rushing, stressed out commuters—meditation is certainly possible in these circumstances, but for a stronger will than mine.

    In the city, we are so focused on achieving our goals that our mind is often totally focused on our plans for the future. When we reach one goal, we think “Right, done, what’s next on my to do list?” We rarely sit back and take time to enjoy the journey.

    As my meditation teacher says, “We are human beings. Simply be.”

    Walking is the best way I know to experience this.

    Why not try it?

  • How to Eat Mindfully and Actually Enjoy Your Food

    How to Eat Mindfully and Actually Enjoy Your Food

    “Smile, breathe, and go slowly.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    It’s Sunday night. A steaming plate of spaghetti is set in front of me. Salivating with wide eyes I grab my fork and prepare to dive in. We know how this will end. I will say to my husband while patting my tummy and undoing my top button, “Tomorrow we will start our healthy eating plans.”

    This scene raises a number of questions:

    Why can’t I resist the urge to inhale my meal like an out of control Scooby Doo bingeing on Scooby snacks? Even when my body is screaming “Enough—you’re killing me,” I will still reach for another donut.

    Secondly, when did we become so unconscious that my Mandarin buffet gorge from the night before is a mere fog like hangover?

    We are just plain food obsessed.

    You don’t have to look far to prove this obsession. Walk down any fast food-lined street in any North American town and observe the unprecedented obesity.

    Look to our health crisis. Not only are millions of Americans suffering from eating disorders, but the hospital hallways are lined with people with heart disease, cancer, and an epidemic influx of diabetes.

    Look to our media. I shudder every time I hear someone say they love the show “Man versus Food.” Have you ever been to a factory farm? In order to feed our gluttonous ways, factory farms are piling millions more animals into production spaces, causing harm to animals, the environment, and humans.

    In short, we have a lot of sick people and a lot of animals suffering.

    Why is something we deem so pleasurable causing so much harm? We could debate many arguments as to why we have developed unhealthy food relationships, reasons such as two working families, fast food biggie sizes, lack of exercise, technology, and inexpensive junk food.

    But at the root of the problem is that in our fast paced society we have forgotten how to slow down and eat mindfully.

    When we regain consciousness and reconnect to Mother Earth the ugly side effects of our food obsession inevitably dissipate.

    My very wise Buddhist teacher recently gave us a challenging assignment. The intention was to discover that everyday mundane tasks, such as eating or washing the dishes don’t have to be mundane at all. Our first challenge: Practice mindful eating. The results must surprise you.

    5 Steps to Mindful Eating

    1. Examine your emotions.

    It’s nearing bedtime; the house is quiet and dark, my agitated mind illuminated by the dim fridge light. What am I feeling? Boredom, anxiety, anger, sadness? Am I really hungry? After all, I did have dinner a mere three hours ago?

    The truth is, my husband and I had an argument, I’m in need of comfort and my mind is fixated on the chocolate peanut butter ice cream in the freezer. But after three months of nightly indulgence and two inches added to my waistline I’ve only compounded my frustrations, not abolished them.

    This is a perfect example of eating by emotion. Looking at your mind from above it makes it easer to recognize unhealthy eating patterns and make changes. Before you steal from the cookie jar always ask yourself, does my body need nourishment or am I feeding my emotions?

    2. Find a food you love and set the stage for success.

    A natural, colourful fruit is always a good first choice; an apple was my first. Now turn off all media, put your iPhone away, and no talking. It might be hard at first to bottle your urges for idle chatter, but be still, breathe deeply, and fight against it. Start with ten minutes.

    3. Express gratitude.

    Resist the urge to bite into your apple. Take a moment to consider all the kindness that went into growing this apple. This may at first sound absurd but this practice develops your own loving kindness and gratitude.

    Think about the mother who raised the farmer who planted the apple tree. Think about the miraculous ecosystem. Consider the apple pickers, the supermarket workers. Honestly, we could go on forever and what you would ultimately discover is that the kindness of the entire universe is in this apple.

    Now that’s some food for thought, but don’t worry if you’re not there yet. Maybe just start by expressing gratitude that you are able to eat in peace and comfort. Say a silent thanks.

    I’ve noticed that expressing gratitude centers me in the present moment, negative emotions dissipate, and it reminds me not to take things for granted.

    4. Savor the flavor.

    While this may seem like an eternity with your bowl of sweet raspberries on the counter taunting you, but in reality it’s only a mere minute or two; still, if you can, hold off long enough to closely observe your food. Feel the coolness of the apple, examine the deep red color, smell the sweetness. Allow your senses to explode.

    Okay, now we’re ready. Slowly take a juicy bite, roll the apple in your mouth, savor the sourness, play with the texture, and notice the intensity. Before you take another bite, chew slowly and completely before swallowing. Eat the entire apple this way: slowly, silently, mindfully.

    Unbeknownst to my co-workers the mundane mid-day apple break in my cubicle has suddenly turned into a powerful experience. After practicing mindful eating I’m also fascinated to realize that I don’t even enjoy the tasteless, processed morning granola bar that I scarf down in the car.

    Mindful eating naturally results in a love of healthy foods. It’s inevitable.

    5. Build the mindful eating habit.

    We live in a busy world and there will always be days when we need to wolf down a slice of pizza on our lunch break, but consider practicing this technique once a week, and then once a day. Eventually, it will just become habit. You’ll become be present.

    However you should beware there are side effects of mindful eating, the fine print reads:

    You may develop a love of natural foods, feelings of satisfaction, a sudden desire to be active, an ability to recognize your body’s nourishment needs, weight loss, mood control, more energy, glowing skin, disease prevention, control over your emotions, living in the present moment, and quieting the mind.

    Imagine the change we could invoke throughout world if everyone practiced mindful eating. It’s not too late to teach our children new habits. The positive transformation to our health care system, our own and our children’s health and wellness, and the entire animal kingdom is exciting and within grasp.

    We don’t have to be food obsessed. Let’s break the cycle. Doesn’t it make you want to go grab a fuzzy peach and give it a try? Go on. I’m about to enjoy an intense blueberry experience myself.

  • Learning to Love and Live Again When Life Gets Hard

    Learning to Love and Live Again When Life Gets Hard

    “The pain you feel today will be the strength you feel tomorrow.” ~Unknown

    It’s when you’ve woken up with a full day ahead of you after only two hours of sleep.

    It’s when there’s nothing for you to do but sit by your friends as they deal with tragedies and all the hard stuff life throws at us.

    It’s when you don’t know how to handle the situations in your life that are anything but black and white.

    It’s when you feel utterly helpless and powerless as you watch someone you care about aching with the deep soul wounds that only come from losing the person that comprised the other half of their heart.

    It’s when your own heart feels as though it’s been crushed beyond recognition over and over again.

    It’s when your path is entirely unclear and you don’t know if the next step is solid ground or off a cliff.

    It’s when you’re not sure if the decisions you’ve made are the right ones.

    It’s when sometimes you realize they weren’t.

    It’s when it looks as though the world is irrevocably falling apart.

    It’s when it seems like people are becoming more and more disconnected, lonely, and afraid.

    It’s when you feel as though there’s no way you can even begin to help fix any of it.

    It’s when you realize that, in spite of it all, you really are smart and strong enough to make it through step by agonizingly slow step.

    It’s when you realize that just when you thought you had nothing left to give, you find you actually have everything left to give and more.

    It’s when you want to give up on it all, but find that one thing that drives you to keep going.

    It’s easy to love and give and feel happy and alive when things are going well, when we feel as though the world is our oyster. But what happens when life feels as though it’s caving in with a spirit crushing weight?

    Over the course of forty-eight hours I found out a friend died, two of the people closest to me are supporting their moms as they contend with cancer, several friends are struggling with family issues, and all the while I’m attempting to balance out fourteen hour work days as a counselor at a residential high school, but just wishing I was home to be with everyone.

    It reminds me a lot of when I was working out and training for hours on end. There would come times when I felt exhausted, burnt out, and desperately wanted to quit. But then I remembered my goal.

    I remembered that the pain and discomfort were temporary, and the strength, endurance, flexibility, and functionality I was gaining were invaluable.

    While working out seems like an insignificant comparison to major life events, the psychological training is the same. What you tell yourself in moments that seem unimportant is what reemerge when things get hard. As the quote goes, “You don’t rise to the level of your expectations, you fall to the level of your training.”

    You don’t grow when things are easy and effortless. You grow when you’re being challenged—sometimes beyond what you think you’re capable of handling.

    We carry ideas of what we think loving and living are until something comes along and redefines how we see it all. Sometimes it redefines it by making it appear as though it’s completely broken or entirely gone.

    But you know what the beautiful part of it all is?

    Just because we think something is broken doesn’t mean that it can’t be mended in some way.

    And just because we think we can’t see something doesn’t mean it’s not there. The world around us reminds us of it all the time. Even the sun, moon, and stars silently show us that they exist even when there’s too much in the way to see them.

    It’s not easy. It’s really, really hard. In fact, sometimes it looks nearly impossible. How are we supposed to gather our scattered bits of resolve to rebuild the will to keep moving forward when all we really want to do is curl up and hide from the world?

    It’s those times we have to step aside and heal in whatever way we can, and in that time, remember (or find) what it is that keeps us going.

    It’s when we think we have no reason left to love, and sometimes when we question our very existence, that we have to allow ourselves to find and create a whole new beauty from what may have felt like (and maybe was) an end.

    As Cormac McCarthy wrote in All the Pretty Horses, “…those who have endured some misfortune will always be set apart but it is just that misfortune which is their gift and which is their strength.”

    If we are open to the lessons from our hardships, misfortunes, and tragedies, they will inevitably build within us an increasingly unshakable compassion, understanding, and love.

    Losing so much of what I’ve loved and watching as friends contend with their own losses, I’ve learned that when it seems things couldn’t be any worse, that’s when it’s most important to gather every last bit of will and heart and forge the faith to keep believing that love and life are worth every single moment.

    Even those that break our hearts.

    It’s in those moments when we have to learn how to love and live again.

    “It’s times like these you learn to live again. It’s times like these you give and give again. It’s times like these you learn to love again.” ~Foo Fighters

  • Life Isn’t Always Fair: 5 Steps to Accept Tough Situations

    Life Isn’t Always Fair: 5 Steps to Accept Tough Situations

    “Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be.” ~Sonia Ricotti

    I hate my life! It’s a phrase that’s used by teenagers and adults alike. Sometimes we use it for dramatic effect and sometimes we mean this literally.

    When I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder two years ago and said “I hate my life!” I meant every word. I hated it so much that there were times I didn’t think it was worth living.

    The depression was incapacitating. The hypomania disguised itself as extreme anxiety and irrational fears.

    In order to stay alive, I had to accept my illness, let go of what I wanted my life to be, and have faith that the future would take care of itself.

    Here are five things I’ve learned so far on my journey of accepting a life that isn’t fair and never will be.

    1. Recognize the problem.

    Right before I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I tried to be everything to everyone. I gave 100% at work, I gave 100% to my family, and I gave 100% to whatever else needed me.

    I came to find out that giving 300% is impossible. Something had to give. That something was me.

    I had a breakdown. Several of them, actually, because right after I recovered from one, before long I found myself going back to giving 300%. I lost count of the number of times I was admitted to an acute treatment facility for days at a time.

    At last I realized that living life this way was going to kill me. I couldn’t accept that I had an illness. I couldn’t accept that I had to slow down. I couldn’t accept that I wasn’t perfect.

    Because of that I didn’t want to be alive. The pain of living with a mental illness can result in that type of thinking.

    Sometimes we have to make a choice: pretend that nothing is wrong and then continually deal with the consequences, or acknowledge the problem and face it head-on.

    2. Do something about it.

    Once I accepted the fact that I wasn’t like many people who can handle work stress, be a part-time single parent, and do whatever else is needed, I grudgingly started making changes. I resigned from my job as a newspaper reporter, left co-workers who had become good friends, and started working at home.

    I spent more time taking care of myself. I started meeting with a meditation teacher who taught me how to accept what is. She showed me ways to calm anxiety and ride the wave of depression, knowing that it would eventually pass.

    When life changes, we need to become aware that there are always more choices. They might not be the choices we want, but there are always choices. Open your mind, look around, and you’ll find many more courses of action than the obvious ones in front of you.

    3. Let others help.

    When I was going through depression and was unable to do everyday tasks or even take care of my children, it was hard for me to ask for help.

    “I should be able to do this on my own.” “I don’t want to bother anyone or be a bother.” These were my thoughts as I beat myself up after I had to ask for help.

    It occurred to me after awhile that most people enjoy helping others. It makes them feel good. I know whenever someone comes to me asking for help, and if I’m able to, I feel good about myself afterwards.

    In fact, altruism is one of the main factors in achieving happiness, according to a book I read called What Happy People Know by Dan Baker.

    Just think, by asking for help you may actually be helping the other person.

    4. Take ownership.

    After I sought out psychiatric help for my illness/behavior, I expected my therapist and doctor to make it change. I insisted they make it change. I got angry because they couldn’t change it.

    “They weren’t trying hard enough.” “They didn’t understand me.” “If they would just listen!” These were the thoughts that I had as I struggled during the roughest times of my illness.

    Finally I was able to grasp the fact that they couldn’t change it. At first it frightened me. These were professionals. They studied, worked, and knew more than I did and they couldn’t fix it.

    Wait a minute. Then why even bother dealing with them? It was useless, hopeless. I wasn’t strong enough to handle this.

    These were all lies I told myself. Because after eight years of therapy I actually knew quite a bit. I learned skills that had helped me through the darkest moments of my life.

    Just like a teacher can’t follow a student around for the rest of his or her life reading books to them and watching over them as they write a paper, my therapist couldn’t come home with me and hold my hand through every problem I faced. She is the most supportive person in my life, but she couldn’t do it for me.

    Eventually it was up to me to use the skills I had been taught.

    When my anxiety rose to excruciating levels, I remembered to go to a quiet place (usually my bathroom) and breathe through the panic until it subsided. I learned that it wasn’t going to last forever, eventually it would pass and I just had to ride it out.

    It’s important to learn skills from people who have more experience with your problem, but it’s up to you to put them into action. It will be scary at first doing them on your own, but the more you do it the more confident you will become.

    5. Change what you can and accept the rest.

    I was forced to make changes to my lifestyle in order to achieve and remain stabilized. I may have lost my job, but I gained a life.

    I accepted that I have an illness that isn’t going away. There is treatment but no cure for bipolar disorder. I have faced the fact that I will have to deal with depression, hypomania, and anxiety throughout the rest of my life.

    I learned coping skills and take prescribed medication to minimize my symptoms, and it’s made living with the illness bearable.

    Acceptance didn’t make my illness go away, but it relieved a big part of my suffering as I became aware of the steps I had to take. I have faith that I will be able to live with the unpredictability of my illness.

    These are five steps to accept you are not where (or who) you want to be.

    Acknowledge the fact that you might have to come up with another plan. Before you know it, you may find yourself thinking about the past and wondering why you didn’t want it to change, because your present definitely works better.

  • AJ’s Art Journal: Paint Your Future

    Paint Your Future

    Source: AJ’s Art Journal

    From Tiny Buddha contributor Dr. Amy Johnson’s upcoming book Being Human

  • Lessons from a Former Liar: The Power of Owning Our Stories

    Lessons from a Former Liar: The Power of Owning Our Stories

    Standing in the Sun

    “I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.” ~Brené Brown

    I don’t know about you, but I used to lie. I used to lie a lot. I remember one particular instance when I lied about being a passenger in a drive-by.

    I lied about my age, my weight, and the reason for the injuries on my body. Sure, I’d just bruised myself by walking into a table, but it made a much more seductive story if I told people that I’d fallen from the rooftop of a friend’s house and lived to tell the tale.

    I reached the peak of lying around the age of 12, which was when I kept the infamous drive-by tale in circulation. At that point, everything that came out of my mouth was a complete fabrication and not a well-crafted one. After all, I was in grade seven and I didn’t really shoot people, nor did I know anyone who did, nor would I have known where to find them.

    At that point, it was easy to keep lying because, after all, I had no friends. When you have no friends, you can lie about anything and everything. No one holds you accountable, because no one really knows anything about you.

    When you have friends, you can’t really go around telling people that you were in a drive-by last Thursday. Your friend will call your bluff because, after all, you can’t be in a drive-by while having a cup of tea a few blocks away.

    So, I got some friends and the preposterous-factor in my tales decreased. Still, I continued to exaggerate. I would say five when it was really two. I would say “everyone” when it was really just my mom. I would say it happened to me when it really happened on television.

    When I was in acting school, I did some extra work for Degrassi. That’s when you get paid exactly minimum wage to sit in a room for ten hours and spend about an hour of that, off and on, walking around behind real actors who had speaking parts. Then, they blur you out. It wasn’t the worst job, but it certainly was not a major, regular part on a national television show.

    The most interesting thing I detect, looking back on my blatant and not-so-blatant lies, was that I selected them by the emotions that they produced. Like a farmer picking her crop, I picked my stories by how well I thought they’d do in the market.

    Every story I ever told would get one of three responses: “That is such a lie!”, nothing (which I assume now is a stand-in for “That is such a lie!”), and open-mouthed, wide-eyed shock and pity. The latter, I lived for.

    I wasn’t sure why I wanted it so badly, but I did. I wanted it, needed it, craved it. I was like a moth to the flame of attention and everyone knew it. Yes, I was that girl, the one none of us want to be.

    Recovering from my cluelessness was largely correlated to my forming close relationships with other human beings. The closer I got, the less I had to lie. These people, it seemed, liked me for just who I was and not this fabricated, nonsensical version of myself.

    At some point, I got the courage to tell my story. My real story. The one with no drive-bys and no star television appearances. It was the real-live tale of what I’d been through.

    I still remember the open-mouthed, wide-eyed shock and pity.

    Then, I felt a combination of ravenous embarrassment and gleeful hope. Oh, I thought, this is much easier than keeping up with all those story lines. 

    Looking back on my past, it was difficult, at first, not to judge that girl I used to be.

    I would cringe thinking about how obvious my lies were and how horribly desperate I was for attention. That is, until I realized that I was hungry for something that we’re all hungry for—that feeling of being seen, really seen, and accepted.

    The more I’ve told my story and the more I’ve helped others tell their stories, the more I’ve realized that the girl I used to be isn’t just an embarrassing part of my life that I can sweep under the carpet.

    That sort of desperate hunger for love and acceptance runs silently and rampantly through our society destroying our courage and our relationships with one another.

    If we’re ever going to be happy, we’ve got to come back to the truth about ourselves. That journey starts individually. It starts with accepting and sharing those parts of the human condition that we all know about, but we’re too afraid to share.

    Those parts of our past that make us cringe are, paradoxically, the very parts of ourselves that we should be showing to people.

    When I first set out to be an author, I tried to write about things in a distant, authoritative sort of tone. Here’s a top ten list of how you can be more authentic, I’d say.

    At the end of the day, no one really wanted to read that. However, everyone wanted to hear the open-hearted, vulnerable pieces of my soul. Everyone wanted to see the courage that it takes to be true, honest, and authentic, because it gives them that courage as well.

    If you’re struggling for authenticity, struggling to live a completely honest existence, I’ll share with you a secret: it gets easier.

    It gets easier not just because of practice, but because the willingness to go out there and be yourself in a world that is constantly shoving into your face ready-made formulas for how to be someone else, that inspires people.

    And, if there’s one thing I’ve learned from my experiences as both a pathological liar and a completely authentic human being, it’s this: inspiring people is much more worthwhile than shocking them.

    Photo by Matthias

  • Book Giveaway: Guide to Loving Yourself and In the Garden of Thoughts

    Book Giveaway: Guide to Loving Yourself and In the Garden of Thoughts

    Tiny Buddha. In the Garden of Thoughts

    UPDATE: The winners for this giveaway have already been chosen. They are:

    • Vanessa Fisher
    • ljchern
    • kbennett10486
    • Jon

    Today I’m excited to run a giveaway for two books that I believe complement each other nicely—the site’s latest collaborative project, Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself and In the Garden of Thoughts, a New York Times bestselling inspirational book, written by my new friend Dodinsky.

    About In the Garden of Thoughts

    I was fortunate to connect with Dodinsky on Facebook, where he runs a popular page called “Positive Outlooks” that’s followed by over two million people.

    Though his heartening images and quotes were what originally caught my eye, I’m most inspired by his charisma, kindness, and…well, positive outlook!

    Through countless email exchanges he’s revealed a joyful, uplifting presence that never fails to incite a smile.

    His book, In the Garden of Thoughts, is quite similar. It’s tiny but powerful, with beautiful illustrations and positive messages for reflection and inspiration.

    Offering some insight into the book’s title, Dodinsky has written, “I truly believe that within us, there is a Garden of Thought in which we can find solace whenever we are going through a storm. The response to my work shows that there are many on the same path. Each of us needs words that bring comfort, and an understanding that one is not alone when facing adversity.”

    About Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself

    Launched earlier this week on October 8th, Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself is a collaborative book featuring a collection of stories from Tiny Buddha contributors, along with tips to help you feel good about yourself and your life.

    The book shares 40 unique perspectives and insights on topics related to loving yourself, including: realizing you’re not broken, accepting your flaws, releasing the need for approval, forgiving yourself, letting go of comparisons, and learning to be authentic.

    Much like Dodinsky, I started Tiny Buddha and created this book because I believe there is a healing power in recognizing that we are never alone with our challenges.

    And there’s nothing wrong with us for what we’ve been through or what we’re going through.

    No matter how we’ve struggled, no matter what our flaws or weaknesses, we are worthy of being fully seen—and we can make a difference in the world by doing it.

    I hope this books helps you remember, in times of doubt, that you are beautiful, imperfections and all, and you can thrive not in spite of them, but because of them.

    The Giveaway

    Up for grabs are two copies of Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself and two copies of In the Garden of Thoughts (to go to a total of four winners).

    If you’ve already purchased a copy of Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself, you can still enter the giveaway, because I’d like to send a copy to someone you love with a special note from you.

    To enter:

    • Leave a comment on the post sharing the most inspiring thing you’ve seen or heard lately.
    • Tweet: RT @tinybuddha Book Giveaway: Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself & In the Garden of Thoughts http://bit.ly/16AifAx

    If you don’t have a Twitter account, you can still enter by completing the first step.

    You can enter until midnight PST on Monday, October 14th. Have a great weekend everyone!

  • Those Who Hold You Up

    Those Who Hold You Up

    Those Who Hold You Up

    Source: Lupytha Hermin

  • Get Past Disappointment: Release Expectations and Live Your Own Life

    Get Past Disappointment: Release Expectations and Live Your Own Life

    Free Man

    “Serenity comes when you trade expectations for acceptance.” ~Unknown

    Several years ago, I decided I had issues with surrender. I was often angry or resentful believing my life was not playing out as it should have been.

    I found a great measure of peace by performing a wonderful exercise I first learned of in Abraham-Hicks material.

    I took a large rectangular piece of paper and drew a vertical line, top to bottom, down the middle. On the left side, I listed things I felt responsible for and on the right side, I listed what needed to be turned over to a higher power (universal intelligence).

    It was an odd take on the idea of a job description, but it worked for me. I considered what types of things I had power over and surrendered much of the rest. When I did this, life became much easier.

    I did not let go of my tendency for disappointment, though, and I started looking at types of situations where I became disappointed.

    I found that my thinking fell into five main traps. My core issue seemed to revolve around having expectations for how other people should behave.

    1. I’d think, “Please be happy (sad, proud, indignant…) with me so I can feel justified having my feelings.”

    I recognized that I had a tendency to look to other people to validate my own feelings. When I would go to the movies with a friend, I would direct my glance away from the screen frequently to see if my friend was enjoying the same parts of the movie I liked.

    When I achieved a professional or financial goal, I remembered wanting my family to be proud “for me” and to congratulate me on things that made me feel proud.

    I wanted other people to mirror my emotional state, and I had to remind myself that they own their emotions and expressions, and I own mine.

    I learned that I cannot depend on other people to validate my feelings. I also understood that my feelings cannot be expressed by anyone except myself.

    Now, rather than look for others to validate my emotions, I realize I should simply experience them more fully.

    It’s good to laugh or cry or smile to ourselves whether someone else can see us or not.

    2. I’d think, “If I support you emotionally, you should support me.”

    If Emotional Intelligence were a highly regarded requirement for college entrance, I would have gone to an Ivy League institution, for sure. I have a knack for soothing ruffled feelings and for getting people to talk about things they want to talk about but can’t seem to express directly.

    I have often wished others could do this for me.

    But I have learned that we can’t expect this. We have to remember that we own our feelings, expressions, and abilities, and other people own theirs. Not everyone has the ability to make people feel better by attentive listening.

    Instead of being disappointed with giving more than I get, I try to look at how I can apply my sensitivity to mitigate my own hurts.

    3. I’d think, “People should act kindly toward others because I want everyone to get along.”

    Sometimes, I’ve observed myself recoiling if I witness a restaurant patron acting unkindly to a waitress or a driver cutting off another driver a hundred feet ahead of me. Again, I have to remind myself that I am responsible for my feelings, actions, and expressions, and other people are responsible for theirs.

    We are not personally responsible for making up the shortfall in simple acts of kindness someone else might experience. We can only aim to be examples of compassion, humor, patience, and any quality we would like to see more of in the world.

    4. I’d tell myself, “I am not ‘judging’ anything or anyone. I am simply refining a preference.”

    I rather not think of myself as judgmental. Yet, judgments flow through my mind constantly.

    I’ll tell myself that I need to make some judgments in order to make satisfying choices. I’ll tell myself that I’m not making judgments. I’m just refining preferences.

    I have to acknowledge, though, that I don’t always confine my thoughts about what is good or bad, what is “preferable” or not, to me and my life. I’ll think this person should lose weight, or that person should drink less alcohol, or this person should treat his children better.

    When the judgment first forms in my mind, I will feel a natural sort of entitlement to the opinion. After all, I have good values, maybe an enlightened perspective in some matters. But the judgments will still lead to disappointment and suffering.

    Why should I feel entitled to have any expectations on how someone else should live? This, too, is a practice of remembrance. I have to remember I own my feelings, emotions, and expressions, and other people own theirs.

    If I believe in moderation, I can give attention to not over-eating or drinking. If I believe in kindness, I can form an intention to ask after people or respectfully offer help.

    5. I’ll tell myself that I’m entitled to feel my feelings and use this as an excuse to spend extra energy holding on to an experience.

    There is often an interesting line to navigate between allowing myself to grieve a possibility not coming to fruition and romanticizing the loss. Truly, the loss is real, but it’s temporal.

    While acknowledging that it’s okay to feel sad, I do not want to give the feeling extra energy either.

    For me, holding on to an experience, or feelings about an experience, is fueling an expectation. I’ll get to thinking that things will always be a certain way or that I will always have the same feelings about something.

    But situations and moods are temporary, and an expectation that they’re permanent or probable can inhibit us from living life and enjoying the present.

    I’ve learned that getting beyond disappointments often involves moving beyond expectations and taking responsibility for living our own lives; owning our actions and emotions and letting others own theirs.

    Photo by yimmy149

  • When You Don’t Feel Good Enough for Someone Else

    When You Don’t Feel Good Enough for Someone Else

    DSC_0008

    “Your outlook on life is a direct reflection of how much you like yourself.” ~Lululemon

    I recently started going through what has been the most difficult situation I have ever had to bare in my life: the end of my twelve-year relationship.

    I have gotten to know the darkest and most hidden places inside me, and pain so deep that I did not know we as a species were capable of feeling it.

    It has been through this process and my will to endure, survive, and overcome that I have had to dig deep to find meaning and answers.

    I went through a long period of negativity and was unable to find reasons to come out of my misery.

    I became obsessed with the idea of having what I desired more than anything in the world, and nothing else in my life was worth living, or even good enough, if I couldn’t share it my life with the man I loved.

    Little by little, I started finding joy in little things. I smiled to every stranger I passed by and created deep eye contact whenever I said “thank you” to someone. I began eating again (I pretty much had stopped).

    I achieved this by accepting what was happening instead of desiring things to be different. I wanted to stop hurting and knew that the only way was to be fully present and to stop obsessing over things I couldn’t control.

    It was only because I moved from my place, took a few steps to the side, and changed my perspective that I was able to understand what was happening and where it was all coming from. This understanding gave me peace.

    Having perspective helped me see that everything that happens is a reaction to something else. Symptoms are only that; they are not the cause itself. Being able to focus on motives instead of responses gave me awareness.

    Then it wasn’t so much about the final process itself but more about what I can do now with what I have this instant.

    I began a very intimate process of gratitude. I started thanking the universe for absolutely everything that was happening in my life and even went back to my earliest memories. I started acknowledging every small moment of joy that I was fortunate enough to savor.

    When I stopped trying to ignore my deep feeling of emptiness and anxiety and started paying attention to why I felt it, I was able to wake up in the morning without feeling what I called “the black hole.”

    I realized that my body was trying to tell me something: relying on someone else for happiness, well-being, and joy was wrong. These were all things that I needed to provide for myself. It became very clear once I put it into action; the emptiness started dissipating.

    Through my great effort I got to a day when I could again breathe calmly and deeply without having that sense of suffocation that had paralyzed me for the last five months.

    I am happy to share with you a few things that I engage in daily that I consider to have saved my life.

    Practice daily gratitude.

    I express my appreciation every night for everything that goes on during the day. I thank the people who offer me support, the people who love me, the people with whom I am lucky enough to be able to talk to or share some insight, even the people that represent a challenge.

    Gratitude helps us cherish what we have right now and see life as a truly amazing gift.

    Let people know you care about them.

    If I care for someone, I immediately tell that person. I don’t hold back.

    When I open up to people, it creates a mirror effect and people open up to me. Even people who find it challenging to express their emotions give love back to me, through words and actions.

    Giving love and then receiving it helps me feel less alone and a lot more appreciated.

    Appreciating all this loving and kindness helped me rid my attachment to the one person I wanted to give me love.

    Write love letters to yourself.

    Listing virtues that I am happy to have and reflecting on the things I’m not proud of helped me love and accept myself that much more, and build confidence and strength.

    For example, I’m happy to have a clear view on what I’m willing to accept into my life and what I’m not. I’m happy to know that I’m a good listener, that I’m responsible, and that I am capable of taking care of myself.

    I’m not too proud of my lack of patience, my intolerance, or my need to control—but I accept myself, flaws and all.

    Writing things down in this way engraves them and makes them more present and real, and not so intangible and unclear.

    Get to know yourself.

    I spent more time alone than I had ever before in my life. I went to the movies on my own, I ate dinner at places my ex and I went on a regular basis, and walked everywhere. Being alone with my thoughts helped me understand what I needed to do to gain peace.

    That was remembering that I am who I am by myself, and not who I am in response to someone else.

    This translated in me falling in love with who I really am instead of the recurring thoughts and fears of not being good enough for someone else.

    Through being alone I got to understand my values and my worth. This reinforced to me that we don’t need someone else to be complete; we only need ourselves.

    This helped me shift my perspective, to know that I am good enough, and there is no need to convince or prove to other people that I am worth their love.

    Once you start feeling love for yourself and are able to see the world as a truly magnificent, beautiful, and sacred place, you will notice how it gives back. If you pay enough attention, you can see how you are receiving gifts, constantly.

    The key is in thanking and being grateful for being alive and for the fortune of what we already have.

    Photo here

  • Increasing Self-Esteem and Happiness: 8 Steps to a Fulfilled Life

    Increasing Self-Esteem and Happiness: 8 Steps to a Fulfilled Life

    man-with-arms-raised

    “All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become.” ~Buddha

    A few nights ago I did a search on Google Ad Words to compare the words “self-esteem” and “happy.” I discovered that over fifty-five million people search for the word “happy” every month, whereas just 800,000+ people search for “self-esteem.”

    Okay, I get it; we just want to be happy. But in order to be happy we need the foundation first, and the key ingredient is a healthy self-esteem. Once we increase our self-esteem, happiness comes with it.

    Creating a healthy sense of self-esteem might mean tons of work for some of us. It all starts with disciplining our thoughts.

    When I was in my twenties I was as far away from understanding this as you can imagine being. I used to think I was the ugliest person on the planet. I went through two terrible depressions, and I even contemplated suicide.

    All of this happened because I lacked gratitude for being alive, and I struggled with self-acceptance, discipline, and forgiveness. I had trouble forgiving myself because I would be too tough on myself whenever I made a mistake, and I had trouble forgiving others because I used to take things too personally, when in reality what other people say is a reflection of them, not me.

    Growing up I didn’t develop confidence in my ability to create change. I was allowing things to happen to me instead of making things happen for me.

    The last time I was depressed was twelve years ago. I could have died after taking a whole box of sleeping pills. After that I finally realized how ungrateful and selfish I had been by only focusing on myself.

    I decided to take 100% responsibility for my life because the idea of dying was scarier than the idea of living. If I was going to live, I decided I will do it in the best possible way.

    And I did. In the process I laid a strong foundation for high self-esteem and ultimately became much happier.

    Now, I love my life, I’m extremely grateful, and I continually learn how to keep improving as a human being while also teaching what I learn.

    Being the woman I am today doesn’t mean I never get sad, or that I never have problems.

    Being happy with who you have become, being grateful for the opportunity to live and for all you’ve experienced so far, being open to teaching and helping others helps you to deal better with challenges that life puts into your journey.

    Life is a cycle. Sometimes everything is great and sometimes everything falls apart in a matter of seconds. But we can choose to see each experience as something that will help us grow and become wiser.

    My conclusion after years of self-growth work is that a high self-esteem equals a high level of happiness, which leads to a fulfilled life. The keys?

    1. Understand why you need to change your thoughts and habits.

    It takes discipline to direct your thoughts to love, to increase your good habits, and to look after your body and soul every day.

    One way to increase your discipline is to write down the “why’s.” Ask yourself, why it is important to improve the quality of your thoughts?

    How would you feel having more loving thoughts? How would you feel if most of your thoughts were self-hating? Can this be a compelling reason? How would your life change if you treated your mind as sacred? How would life be if you treated it with respect?

    I used to have very low self-discipline, but step by step I kept improving it because I found compelling reasons to do so. Find your “why’s” and start with the first step. Today.

    2. Enlist support.

    Ask your family and friends for support, join a community, or seek professional help as you work toward increasing your self-esteem. Alone we won’t get anywhere.

    3. Use affirmations and mantras.

    Choose a mantra that will guide you through this process and repeat it three times a day (thirty times each time). One of my favorite mantras is “Every day I am better in every area of my life.”

    4. Filter your inner circle.

    We can’t always avoid negative people; they’re everywhere. But you can choose to surround yourself with people who support you and encourage you to be a better human being, while you also do the same for them; and you can create some distance in relationships where this isn’t the case.

    Trust that by creating some distance, you will make space for more healthy relationships. Give yourself the opportunity to be surrounded by great souls. You won’t be alone, I promise.

    5. Practice gratitude for yourself.

    Every day is a new life. It’s not that hard to be grateful when everything is okay. The tough part comes when you need to continue being grateful during hard times.

    When I’m feeling down, I thank my body for being able to breathe, I thank my eyes for being able to see, I thank my hands for being able to create, and I thank my values for leading me toward positive experiences.

    Write down everything you are grateful for and read it every morning or any time you’re feeling low.

    By practicing gratitude for parts of yourself you may otherwise not think to acknowledge, you will value more who you are, and this will help you to create a higher sense of self-love.

    6. Be present.

    By learning to not worry so much about the past and the future, you can start focusing on the moment, seeing each day as a new opportunity to do your best.

    By being in the present you will have more confidence because you’ll know that whatever negative experience you had in the past does not have to repeat itself. You will feel empowered to create a compelling future regardless of what’s happened before, which will strengthen your sense of self-worth.

    7. Help others.

    When you’re feeling helpless, go out and help someone else. Perhaps you can join a non-profit to volunteer your skills.

    This will allow you to see other realities, which will help you appreciate how fortunate you really are. It will also make you more confident because you will feel you can add great value to others in need.

    8. Trust in something bigger than yourself.

    We are not alone; we are all connected. Whenever I find myself trusting only my own strengths, I get insecure. But if I have done all that I could in a particular situation and then I also trust that the universe is supporting me, insecurities go away and miracles happen.

    Get out there, do the best you can, and allow the universe to give you a hand.

    I’d love to know what your challenges with self-esteem and happiness are! Will you take these important steps? What else would you add to this list?

  • Bounce Back from Unexpected Challenges Stronger and Happier

    Bounce Back from Unexpected Challenges Stronger and Happier

    Jumping

    “True happiness means forging a strong spirit that is undefeated, no matter how trying our circumstances.” -Daisaku Ikeda

    Let’s face it, whether big or small, stressful or simple, we all face challenges every day, some easier to deal with than others. Unfortunately, life doesn’t come equipped with an instruction manual to handle these challenges.

    No matter how much we try to plan in advance, calculate our every move, or predict what the future will bring, we can never prepare enough for the unexpected.

    The past eight months of my life have been filled with more twists and turns than the most popular roller coaster at Six Flags. As a control freak, I was suddenly forced to surrender to circumstance, forced to take a back seat and reflect on what my life was becoming.

    Sometimes it takes physical pain to get to the root of a deeper wound that you are unconsciously inflicting on yourself.

    Ever since the age of three, my heart and soul has thrived on dance. For me, the ability to connect emotionally with others through movement is something that is indescribably fulfilling.

    In May of 2012 I graduated college with my B.F.A in Dance. It marked the closing of four of the most demanding, stimulating, and downright remarkable years of my life. I grew emotionally, physically, and spiritually, molding into my adult self through incredible and trying experiences. I was healthy, in shape, and injury free.

    After graduation, I set my sights high upon New York City, anxious to jumpstart my dance career. I moved in August and set out with a willing heart, determined to make my dreams come true. My approach was frantic, maybe even fanatical.

    I needed a job, I needed to succeed, and I needed to prove myself.

    That’s when life threw a curve ball that stopped me dead in my tracks.

    I was taking a dance class before an audition when… twist, slip, fall, crack… In a blur I was in the ER clutching a broken leg, flooded with fear, anger, and distress. 

    After the initial shock of what happened, it started to sink in that I would be out of dance for a while. Realizing this setback after just arriving to NYC was heartbreaking. In that moment, all I could think about was “Why me?”

    I worked so hard and pushed so much to get to the top of my game, but in a way that was harming my body, physically and emotionally. I had let the competitive nature of the dance and theater scene get the better of me.

    Suddenly, I found myself away from my NYC apartment and newfound life and back home with my parents, trying to heal. As a young dancer whose body is her career, having life abruptly stop was devastating.

    Four months later I was able to return to the city to start again. Slowly progressing, I felt as if everything would heal. Then, another wrench in the plan: a follow up with the doctor revealing the fracture was not healing.

    Just when things were looking up, they felt as if they were sinking down again. I would need surgery, screws to set the broken bone back into place, and another five months of recovery.

    We all face setbacks at some point along life’s journey, and learning to bounce back is what really gives our spirit strength.

    Sometimes accidents happen for very good reasons. In my case, the universe was trying to tell me to slow down, that I have my whole life ahead of me to work and dance and love. Rome wasn’t built in a day.

    Yoga played a huge role in my recovery process, enabling me to overcome the overwhelming sense of failure and depression that came with my injury.

    Unable to do the physical asanas, I discovered the benefits of meditation, learning how to calm my frantic mind, and practicing acceptance toward the cards I had been dealt.

    In college, I started practicing yoga as a way to cross train and escape my hectic class schedule. Since then, the practice has become an anchor for me, its emotional and mental benefits saving me from self-destructive thought patterns and allowing me the chance to release away from, and be at peace with, the pressures of the real world.

    Before my injury, I started working a desk job at Pure Yoga in Manhattan to continue practicing yoga and to further my teaching skills. It was fate getting the job at Pure, as I landed myself right in the middle of an amazing community of loving, caring, and truly remarkable people. 

    Throughout my injury and recovery my friends at Pure have kept my spirits lifted, encouraging me to keep moving forward.

    When I returned to work, yoga was there alongside my friends to help me build back strength. It is so important to have a support system. When things get tough, your friends and family can hold you up—and you shouldn’t be afraid to let them.

    My setback produced another positive, as it led me to complete a 100-hour teaching certification in yoga therapeutics. I quickly became more involved with how important a role yoga plays in healing the body, mind, and spirit.

    Still getting my strength back, I have learned:

    1. Letting go brings abundance.

    Sometimes letting go is the absolute hardest thing to do. But when we hold on too tight, we leave no room for the light to get through.

    It’s like catching a feather: you have to hold out your hand and allow the feather to fall into your reach. You can’t catch a feather by frantically flailing and grasping for it. Once you loosen your grip on a perceived outcome, things start to unfold organically.

    Learning not to force things opens up the possibility for the brilliant and the extraordinary to happen.

    2. Believing in love will lift your soul.

    Believe that there are people in your life who love and believe in you. Believe that you are love, and that your soul has a limitless capacity to give and receive love.

    How does the simple act of believing make you feel? Worthy. Infinite. Content. Express compassion and gentility toward yourself, and to others, and you will open up to the possibilities life has to offer.

    3. Gratitude will ignite a light in the darkest of places. 

    When I first came out of my leg cast, the simple act of being able to put weight on my own two feet made me realize how grateful I am for my health, and how much we all tend to take it for granted.

    Be grateful for running to catch the subway in the pouring rain, because you can feel that rain on your skin and you can feel your feet as they pound the pavement. Experiencing gratitude in simplicity changes everything.

    Each day our yoga is to embody positivity, in every situation. Let go of what does not serve you to let abundance in. Believe in your strength to overcome. Be grateful.

    And don’t forget to breathe.

    Photo by Zach Dischner

  • Love Yourself and Your Life: 7 Reasons to Buy the New Tiny Buddha Book

    Love Yourself and Your Life: 7 Reasons to Buy the New Tiny Buddha Book

    Tiny Buddhas Guide Cover 3D

    10/9/13: The pre-order promotion is now over. You can learn more about Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself here!

    If you visited the blog any time during September, you likely saw some of the many self-love interviews featuring contributors from the new book Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself: 40 Ways to Transform Your Inner Critic and Your Life.

    I’m excited to announce that today is the official launch date! If you already ordered a copy on Amazon, it’s possible that you already received it, as I’ve recently learned they shipped a little early.

    If you haven’t redeemed the free bonus pack yet, please forward your order confirmation email (for hardcopy or digital, from any book vendor) to bookbonus(AT)tinybuddha(DOT)com.

    For those of you who didn’t yet order a copy of Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself, today is the final day to receive the self-love bonus pack—including 8 digital items, valued at over $150—as a free gift with your purchase.

    About the Book

    Including 40 blog posts from tinybuddha.com, Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself offers more than just advice; it offers in a window into our shared human experience, and universal lessons we can all apply to feel happier with ourselves and our lives.

    These posts have reminded more than 1.5 million monthly readers that we are never alone, and we don’t have to live life controlled by our inner critic. They touch upon ideas that will help you:

    • Release shame about your past and the limiting beliefs that keep you stuck
    • See yourself as beautiful and valuable, with all your flaws and weaknesses
    • Accept yourself more and judge yourself less
    • Forgive yourself for your mistakes and stop being hard on yourself
    • Minimize the need for approval to feel more confident
    • Let go of the comparisons that keep you feeling inferior
    • Feel complete so that you no longer look to others to fill a void within yourself
    • Find the courage to share your authentic self for deeper connections with others
    • Learn to take care of yourself instead of putting everyone else’s needs first
    • Believe that you’re valuable so you can start creating a life you love
    • The stories are categorized into 10 chapters, connected to each of these themes.

    At the end of each chapter you’ll find four tips—one from each of the four posts in that section. They’re ideas you can turn to whenever you need help changing your thoughts, and consequently, your feelings and experience of the world.

    About the Bonuses

    Today only, anyone who orders Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself will receive instant access to the “Self-Love Bonus Pack,” which includes 8 digital resources, valued at more than $150.

    Those items include:

    • From Coping to Thriving: How to Turn Self-Care into a Way of Life, by Hannah Braime
    • Flowing Through the Void: Creating Miracles Out of Struggles by Activating Presence, Power, and Passion, by Amyra Mah
    • Complete Confidence eCourse, by Emma Brooke
    • An Awakened Life: A Journey of Transformation, by Julie Hoyle
    • Create a Brilliant Vision for Your Life and Business, by Margie Beiswanger
    • 5 Days of Self-Compassion, by Joanna Weston
    • Be You, Unapologetically by An Bourmanne
    • Tiny Wisdom: On Self-Love, by Lori Deschene (me)

    7 Reasons to Buy Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself 

    If you’re still not sure that Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself is worth the cost ($13.50 on Amazon for hardcover, $9.99 for Kindle—both including the free self-love bonus pack for today only), consider these 7 benefits of owning a copy:

    1. The book features 40 candid firsthand accounts of overcoming physical and emotional challenges…

    …including abandonment, abuse, addiction, depression, eating disorders, and obsessive compulsive disorder, to name a few. If you’ve feared that no one can understand or relate to your pain, this guide will help you realize that you are not alone.

    2. You’ll find practical tips to help you deal with a wide range of issues related to self-acceptance and self-love…

    …including insecurity, perfectionism, jealousy, shame, self-judgment, rejection, confidence, self-care, and the fear of being alone.

    3. It’s Tiny Buddha, off the web.

    You could spend time searching through the archives for posts related to loving yourself, and then print them out for reading at home. Or you could purchase this book to have all those stories in one anthology—complete with summaries of the main insights and a collection of related quotes.

    4. You’ll find one story from my experience in overcoming shame, self-loathing, and self-destruction.

    I’ve never before written about my former battle with bulimia. In addition to exploring the lowest point of my struggle, I shared the main message of hope that’s helped me forgive and accept myself, and not just survive, but thrive.

    5. The book is easy to read—at home or on the go.

    With 40 stories in 10 chapters, you can easily read one story each night before bed, or jump around to the sections that feel most relevant to you. And with its compact size, it’s easy to carry in your purse or bag for a boost of clarity and confidence, wherever you go.

    6. Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself has received wonderful advanced reviews.

    As Amanda Owen, author of The Power of Receiving, wrote: “If you are ever hard on yourself—and who isn’t—you need to read this book.” And according to Dr. Kristin Neff, author of Self-Compassion, “This wonderful collection of personal stories and words of wisdom will help you become kinder and more compassionate to yourself, and ultimately show you how to lead a happier and more fulfilling life.”

    7. It’s a tiny book that can have a massive impact.

    Despite its small size and short stories, this guide explores feelings and challenges that could potentially limit your potential for peace and happiness—and also offers some powerful, effective practices to overcome them so you can feel good about yourself and your life.

    You can order your copy of Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself here. To claim the self-love bonus pack, forward your order confirmation email (for hardcopy or digital, from any book vendor) to bookbonus(AT)tinybuddha(DOT)com.

    I hope you enjoy reading this book as much as I enjoyed the collaborative process of creating it. As always, I thank you for your loving presence here at Tiny Buddha!

  • Break Free from Fear: The World’s a Kinder Place Than You May Imagine

    Break Free from Fear: The World’s a Kinder Place Than You May Imagine

    Happy Jumping

    “A man who fears suffering is already suffering from what he fears.” ~Michel de Montaigne

    When I was an undergraduate in college I signed up to learn the Fundamentals of Modern Dance. My parents were less than thrilled.

    While many of my classmates likely took such a course for an easy A or a chance to revisit their leotard-clad youths, I picked my dance courses with an unannounced and secret ambition to be an instantly amazing dancer.

    This, I felt certain, was a sound place to rest my future livelihood upon.

    At the beginning of each class we were told to travel around the room in as many different ways as we could to warm up. We could roll or leap. A slow walk, a sprint, or a cartwheel were all acceptable.

    One day the teacher commented during this free form warm-up, “You can tell a lot about a person by watching the way they move.”

    I immediately imagined what I must look like to this grad student.

    Tall. Coordinated. Cautious.

    I would drop to the ground for a roll across my bottom ever so carefully, bracing myself so as to avoid any sudden, jarring impact.

    In the world of dance it is aggression and abandon that interest us. It occurred to me in class that day that I had a tendency to tiptoe. This realization began the slow and inevitable sinking of my dreams of being a yet to be discovered dance prodigy.

    And, just as my dance instructor’s words implied, my tendency to be overly cautious as a dancer was representative of how I engaged in other parts of my life.

    During my whole freshman year of college I visited only four places on campus—my classrooms, the gym, the cafeteria, and my dorm.

    Looking back, this seems like exceedingly strange behavior.

    I must have been trying to mimic the life I knew at my parent’s house, where my orbit was similarly contained within home, school, and sports practice.

    In high school the furthest I strayed from this well-monitored agenda was to covertly buy junk food from the convenience store near my house or to stay home from swim practice to watch Oprah.

    I clearly was not a big risk taker.

    At one point in the second semester of my freshman year of college I discovered I was quite bored with this predictable and caged existence.

    I remember sitting at my brightly lit desk in the corner of my dorm room, with my feet pulled up under me, and inspirational quotes on many tiny slips of paper all around me.

    I’d just spent the last hour or more journaling, and I’d run out of things to write about.

    My head felt dull and empty.

    I stared into space and thought of a pin that an elementary school friend had given me that read, “Life begins when you get one.”

    I’d always wondered if that pin had been a jab at my life skills as a fourth grader or if it had simply been a random trinket she’d passed on to me.

    I felt frustrated and cooped up, perhaps in a way I had felt for many years.

    It seemed as though I had much bigger wings than my little quadrant of a life on campus had room for. It was uncomfortable keeping them all bent and crumpled in that small space.

    That night I had the idea to try something new. To break free. To soar.

    It dawned on me that there wasn’t anything truly keeping me in those cramped quarters other than my habits, remnants of overprotective parents’ admonitions, and my own fears.

    Soon after this revelation I went to sleep.

    The next day my courage dawned anew. I would see the world, even if it killed me.

    I did the riskiest thing I could think of: I decided to take the metro into the city.

    I was pretty sure that by leaving the school grounds I was walking into treacherous terrain. My fear drew pictures of knife wielding, dementor-like beings who lived out at the fringes of my known world. If they didn’t get me I was pretty sure that my father would, when he found out I hadn’t listened to his directions to stay put on campus.

    A little before noon I gathered my courage, an apple, and a water bottle and put them into my backpack. I noticed the day was overcast as I walked to the train.

    Once on board I sat with the lumpy forms of my prized possessions clutched to my chest.

    My heart raced. My hands were perpetually sweaty. I was sure I would be found out, but still, I held my ground.

    It surprised me that I survived the metro ride without any harm befalling me. I got off at the Smithsonian stop on the National Mall. I was still frightened as I walked over to a nearby bench and sat down, gathering my wits about me.

    Here’s what I saw. People eating their lunch. People jogging. At one point my breath caught. It dawned on me that the world outside of campus was just regular people doing regular things. I ate my apple under a gray sky that has forever been etched in my heart.

    There really were not any monsters under the bed.

    I sat for a while longer and then turned around and got back on the train. Heading home to campus I felt a wave of pride and relief wash over me. I’d done it. The real world was laughably more benign than the world I’d concocted in my imagination.

    This heady success made me curious and determined to try more scary things. I began speaking up in class. I tried stand-up. I reached out to new people. I quit a job. I started a business. I’ve fallen on my butt in ways that I never would have previously allowed myself to in that dance class years ago. Through it all I’ve not only survived, but thrived.

    What I’ve ultimately learned is this: my fears of the unknown are usually big fat liars.

    Time after time I have tested these fears and found the world to be a much lovelier place than I would have guessed.

    So go ahead and do the one thing that scares you. You just may find that the world is a kinder place than your imagination.

    Photo by Kevin Poh

  • 3 Powerful Insights About Finding Yourself and Creating Change

    3 Powerful Insights About Finding Yourself and Creating Change

    Monk

    “Get out of your head and get into your heart. Think less, feel more.” ~Osho

    When you’re on a spiritual quest in the chaotic outlying suburbs of Bangkok, and you’re having a complete and utter meltdown about your ability to face your inner demons and greatest life fears, where should you turn?

    Well, I feel well qualified to answer this question, having been in that exact situation!

    Where I turned was a peaceful little Buddhist temple, and more specifically a gentle and elderly monk named Yut.

    Don’t be deceived by the “gentle and elderly” description, however, for Yut was also direct and unforgiving in the way he challenged my perspectives and answered questions from my seeking, fearful self.

    Surprisingly he was also quite humorous and down-to-earth, which made for a delightfully game changing afternoon that helped to interrupt my meltdown, supporting my breakdown to become a breakthrough.

    It was mid-way through my three month sabbatical in Thailand. The preceding six weeks in the paradise island of Koh Samui had been blissful to say the least, then arriving in outlying Bangkok had been quite a shock to the system.

    I had followed my own gut instinct and divine guidance to be there, despite my fear of being alone in large cities, particularly ones where I don’t speak the language.

    I was at a point in my life where I had to shake things up. I was standing on the precipice of major change, of following my heart and leaving my decade long corporate career back home, where at the time I was National Manager of a recruitment firm.

    I had spent 32 years honing my ability to be what I thought others wanted me to be—a “success.” The only problem was that my definition of success was warped.

    I thought success and my worthiness was measured by the big job, the fancy house, the material objects. This was, of course, all nonsense that I had created in my head—a story I had bought into, fed by my addiction for perfectionism and a desperate need for security and validation.

    I was ready to break out of the box I’d been living in, and this trip was helping me to see the world, life, and myself in new light.

    It seems that when you step up in life to invite change, life has a way of guiding you to exactly where you need to be, with whom you need to be with, and hearing what you need to hear.

    It would turn out to be perfectly synchronistic that my freak out in Bangkok led me to go in search of somewhere peaceful, which in turn took me to this Buddhist temple where I was very helpfully fed three game changing insights by Yut.

    This turn of events would be another building block in one very important and transformative lesson: just be who you really are and that is more than enough.

    There was some undoing to be done! In order to be who I really was, I first had to know who I really was…

    1. Meditation is a tool to know yourself.

    “Meditation is a way to know your true self. All you need to know is within yourself, seeking it externally in the world will only take you so far. You need to look within.” ~Yut

    This Thailand quest was the start of what would become three years of daily meditation. Only 5−10 minutes per day, which connected me with my intuition and the real me. Once I connected, I was able to live from that guidance, using it as my number one navigation tool.

    2. Knowing yourself opens the way to limitless possibilities.

    “As we become more enlightened, as we know ourselves more, truly anything is possible. When you connect to your true self, then life is limitless and anything you can possibly imagine can be your reality.” ~Yut

    I was delighted to hear this! I had incorrectly expected a Buddhist monk would tell me all about denial of one’s longings and living a meager life in solitude and silence.

    I had big, audacious dreams for my life—to escape the rat race, to be a writer and coach, and to pursue my passion for energy healing, preferably while traveling the world!

    Hearing that meditation was a path to my true self, and connecting to my true self was a path to enlightenment, which in turn opens up limitless possibilities for me, well, I was ready to get my meditation groove on!

    3. Face your inner demons; own your responsibility.

    “While we are all connected, we must face our own challenges alone.” ~Yut

    While I believe deeply that our family and friend support networks are fundamental to thriving in life, the truth is that when we’re talking about inner demons, fears, blocks, and limiting beliefs, we have to face up to those ourselves.

    It’s a very personal journey to honestly look into the dark crevices inside yourself and truly own the way you feel, the way you behave, and see what is blocking your own thriving.

    Taking responsibility for how we are being and what we are doing is something that requires great courage.

    Nearly in tears when I first arrived at the temple, fearful of my time alone in Bangkok and facing up to what massive changes I needed to make in my life, the message of having to face my challenges alone actually empowered me.

    It woke me up and made me realize that no one else could set me free from my limiting beliefs about what validated me as a person and the blocks I had about risking my security in pursuit of a more meaningful life.

    I had to do this myself. I had to build a relationship with the true me and let her emerge, just as we are all called to do.

    Photo by Gane

  • Buddha Doodles: Great Risk

    Buddha Doodles: Great Risk

    Buddha_Doodles_GreatRisk_MollyHahn

    Source: Buddha Doodles

  • 3 Often Overlooked Causes of Anxiety (And What to Do About Them)

    3 Often Overlooked Causes of Anxiety (And What to Do About Them)

    “Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding.” ~ Albert Einstein

    An anxious mind is a hard burden to bear. In fact, if you suffer from an anxious mind it can truly feel like a curse.

    The racing thoughts. The daily tirade of “what ifs.” The relentless voice of your inner critic constantly nagging you and deriding your every move.

    And the worst part is that the mental chatter feels uncontrollable. Truly, there were times when I struggled in vain to quiet my mind.

    It was like there was some hub or center in my brain that had gone haywire, flipped into overdrive, and couldn’t be switched off.

    I used to despair a lot over my unquiet mind. Even the great spiritual masters struggled to achieve mastery over their minds, so how could I?

    I read a lot about mindfulness and tried some mental mastery techniques like the Sedona Method and Emotional Freedom Technique. I meditated. These techniques helped, but the results would only last for a short time; the underlying issues driving my anxiety persisted and whatever peace I got would be short-lived.

    I eventually realized that if I was to quiet my chatterbox mind I would have to stop trying to control my mind and focus instead on letting my anxiety teach me what it wanted to teach me.

    I started keeping a dream journal (I had many of the typical anxiety dreams). I also started to get real with myself, sitting still with my anxious thoughts whenever they occurred and letting myself be receptive to what they were trying to show me.

    I went from trying to control and resist my anxious thoughts to the deeper place of understanding their underlying message and inherent wisdom. Here’s what I discovered.

    An anxious mind can be caused by:

    1. Unresolved relationship issues

    It turns out an anxious mind can be caused by unresolved issues in our interpersonal relationships. The anger, jealousy, regret, or unspoken feelings (positive or negative) that we harbor toward people lives on in our subconscious minds, undermining our inner peace. This is true even when we are not around those people or consciously focusing on them.

    For me, I had spent many years silently harboring anger toward my mother and father for perceived failures as parents. I was also holding on to an infatuation with a former flame that I hadn’t seen in years, and was still mentally “tuned into” negative relationship dynamics from as far back as my high school years.

    As I began to face up to these unresolved relational issues, releasing people from my heart’s tribunal, my anxiety decreased to a surprising extent. I literally felt like I could breathe easier.

    2. Unexpressed gifts or desires

    Anxious thoughts can be the result of unexpressed gifts, especially if the thoughts center around your career or how you spend your free time. In this way, anxiety is a manifestation of inner guidance.

    There is some gift or higher aspect of who you are that wants and needs to be expressed, but that has been denied expression because of fear.

    Psychologists have figured out that human beings have an inherent drive for self-actualization—to fulfill our individual potential. When there are obstructions to self-actualization, anxiety takes root.

    In ancient times, prophets often spoke of the urge to prophesy as being like a “fire shut up in their bones.”

    Anxiety is like this―a bottled-up feeling of having something inside of you that you long to express. The gift, desire, or calling within that longs for expression is bigger than you; it is tied up with your purpose for existing, which is why it feels so painful when it is suppressed.

    For me, my anxiety was telling me that I had a gift for using words and expressing myself through writing that I wasn’t cultivating enough. I also had leadership abilities and a yearning for spiritual development that I was ignoring.

    It could be latent artistic gifts, the secret desire to adopt a child, or a pull toward motivational speaking. Whatever it is, learning to express it will work wonders for your anxiety.

    3. Guilt

    Guilt is the emotional and cognitive state we experience when we feel we have done something wrong. We may have violated our own moral code or expectations, or those of others, or we may simply think that we have done something wrong even when we haven’t.

    Whatever the case, we feel judged (or we judge ourselves harshly and unforgivingly) for our actions, thoughts, or simply for being who we are.

    And because it’s so hard to express guilt (it’s not like anger where you can punch some pillows), guilt is often an internalized emotion, commonly referred to as a “bothered conscience.” Guilt sinks deep into our subconscious and manifests as anxious thoughts―it’s like our inner critic on heroin.

    At one time I harbored a lot of guilt over old friendships I had broken off. I had broken off those friendships because they were limiting my growth yet I still felt like I had violated my own standards of what it meant to be a good friend, hence the guilt.

    I walked around for years with a lot of anxiety because my guilt-tripped inner critic was always telling me that I hadn’t been a good friend in the past and never would be.

    I would feel guilty if I was anything less than the perfect, always-available, always-upbeat friend, and the fear that I wasn’t a good friend made me anxious about forming new friendships. I was always worried that I was doomed to mess up my friendships.

    It was only by examining my guilt more closely that I came to understand that my standards of being a good friend were irrational; after all, people change, it’s okay to move on, and you don’t have to be a perfect person to be a good friend.

    So our guilt is often irrational or out of proportion with what’s really at stake. And even if you feel your guilt is justified, remember everyone makes mistakes.

    You deserve self-compassion. So embrace it and put your anxious mind at ease!

  • 4 Simple But Powerful Tips to Reduce Stress and Anxiety

    4 Simple But Powerful Tips to Reduce Stress and Anxiety

    “Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.” ~Charles Swindoll

    I found Tiny Buddha because I have never dealt with stress and anxiety all that well, and once I became a full-time working mum of two, this had become a real issue affecting my quality of life.

    It was one day earlier this year when I was battling yet another bout of the flu, and I’d just learned about something out of my control at work that would make life even harder, that I went rushing by a group of my friends, not even seeing them.

    One rang later and asked if I was okay, adding that I had rushed by them with a face “grey with stress,” and had not heard them calling out to me. I realized something had to be done, and that’s how I found this site.

    I have never blogged or written publicly in my life, but if any of these help someone out there, I will be so happy to have contributed to the light and peacefulness coming from this site. So here goes.

    If you’re also feeling overwhelmed by stress:

    1. Think “Poor thing…” when you’re aggravated with someone.

    Part of the rushing-about modern-day-life thing is the constant irritation and even anger of bumping into other people as you go about your business.

    Someone cuts you off in traffic. Someone beats you to the last seat on the train. Your spouse forgets to turn on the dishwasher and now there are no clean plates or cups for the kids. Argh!

    Well, I came up with this to help me be more compassionate toward others, and peaceful in myself.  Every time I’m aggravated with someone, I say to myself “Poor thing…” and then fill in the blank.

    So now I say, “Poor thing, my spouse must have been so stressed and addled that he forgot to turn on the dishwasher.”

    “Poor thing, they must be exhausted to need that seat on train. I’ll go stand by the window; besides, it’s easier to pretend dance to my iPod when I’m standing.”

    Or sometimes when I can’t think of anything, I’ll say, “Poor thing, it must be painful to be in such a rush that you end up cutting people off in traffic.”

    This makes me nicer to everyone, and more importantly, happier in my own day-to-day existence.  Because being irritated, angry, or in a rush is painful, and that’s punishment in itself.

    2. Decide “I don’t do blame.”

    This one came out of the blue—well, that is, after reading so many of your amazing posts.

    I grew up in a family where there was constant blame, and it was always something or somebody else’s fault that something negative had happened.

    I then worked in places where you sent emails to the person sitting a meter away, just so you could dig them out later and forward it up higher, to show it was their fault something had happened, not yours. Awful way to live.

    Out of the blue, I suddenly said to myself, “I don’t do blame.”

    When something negative happens and my brain, out of habit, starts looking for who or what caused it, I step away from the blameful thoughts and tell myself, “That’s just an old habit.”

    I just ignore them entirely. I then look at what that negative thing is, and I think of practical ways to deal with it. As a result, my relationship with my husband, my work colleagues, even my parents, has improved immensely.

    I no longer get that awful feeling of resentment that comes when you live constantly blaming everything else around you.

    3. Next, decide “I don’t do urgency.”

    After reading this post about the surprising secret to being on time, I was thinking about how I rush around a lot, and how I can’t find a way to stop. Then I thought, well, sometimes you need “urgency,” and I tried to think of when. I thought, in life-and-death situations, like in a hospital Emergency Room, surely you need “urgency” then.

    But then I thought about shows like ER or the times I’ve been in hospital, and I remembered how the doctors and nurses always seem decisive, super-efficient, cool, collected, but never urgent.

    “Urgency” to me connotes awful feelings of desperation, being rushed, helplessness. When I get something done, even in a situation where time is of the essence, it is done because I am decisive, calm, and efficient—not because I’m “urgent.”

    So I reasoned that if ER doctors and nurses can handle life-and-death situations without “urgency,” then “urgency” is never required. I never, ever have to be “urgent”!

    I haven’t slowed down to the extent that I walk around in a constant feeling of being on a beach holiday, but I don’t have that stressed-out, hurried feeling anymore. When I need to, I act like an ER doctor or nurse with super-efficient and calm action. (And when I don’t, I try very hard to act like I’m on a beach holiday!)

    4. Change “I have to” to ” I will.”

    Like a lot of full-time working parents, I’ve lived with a lot of “have-to’s” permeating my life. From the little things (I have to do another load of laundry) to the big things (I have to find a new job) to the guilty things (I have to spend more time with my kids), I could feel these tugging away at me all the time.

    There is always a “… but” at the end of those sentences. “I have to do another load of laundry…but I don’t feel like it/have run out of washing powder/also need to cook the kids dinner.”

    The “but” causes all the stress, but I realized it wouldn’t be there if it wasn’t for the “have to.”

    Again, out of the blue I decided to swap “I have to” with “I will,” as in “I will do another load of laundry.”

    “I will” sounds like I’ve decided to do it, rather than “I have to” with all its connotations of coercion, pressure, stress, and resentment. This thing is now in my control. There is no room for “…but.”

    Suddenly, life is full of things I have decided that I will do, for whatever reason, rather than a thousand things out there making me feel anxious, pressured, and guilty because I’m not doing them.

    These are four tiny things that have made a big difference for my everyday peace and living experience. I wouldn’t have come up with any of them if it weren’t for all the fabulous other posts I’ve read here.

    I hope sharing them here might now give a little something back to someone out there, and make their daily lives a little lighter and brighter, as well.