Tag: wisdom
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The Secrets to Happiness: Lessons from a Toddler
“Happiness is the absence of striving for happiness.” ~Chuang Tzu
My niece is nineteen months old and the most present person I have ever hung out with. If you have children or are around them, you know exactly what I am talking about.
I know you want more joy, health, and lasting happiness in your life, we all do.
Could it be that instead of only teaching our children the lessons of life perhaps we should let them teach us the lessons of happiness?
I don’t live in the same city as my niece so time with her is very important and most of it is spent observing and playing. It got me thinking about her abundant joy and how I should take these lessons to heart.
Here is what she is teaching me about the secrets to happiness:
Don’t think about playing; just play.
My niece doesn’t think about playing or how to play, she just plays. Just like a blade of grass doesn’t intend to grow, it just grows. But we get so caught up in thinking about doing something that we think that contemplation is action, but it couldn’t be farther from it.
Are you practicing making a change to your life so much that you forgot to make the change happen? One of my mottos is “Ready, fire, aim,” because if I think about it too long, I will talk myself out of taking action. Don’t think about playing, just play.
Stop and listen to the birds.
One of my niece’s favorite things is to listen to the birds in the morning. When was the last time you listened to the birds at dawn? When was the last time you smelled a blooming flower? When was the last time you took over an hour to eat a meal, savoring each bite?
This is mindfulness and it is so good for creating happiness. Part of mindfulness is practicing gratitude. It’s hard to be grateful if you don’t stop and notice all the good things in your day. Stop and listen to the birds.
Explore above, below, and everything underneath.
Like most children, my niece is incredibly curious. Everything is new to her, so naturally it has to be explored. She has to explore every aspect of something new, no matter if it’s chalk, the sound a bell makes, or what ice cream tastes like. Her entire day is one big exploration of life.
As an adult I get set in my ways; don’t you? We are so content in our ways we forget about new ideas, new perspectives, and new ways of doing things.
When was the last time you took a new route to work, tried a different restaurant, jumped in a pool, or danced? Happiness is in the joy of the moment, and there is no greater way to create joyful moments than to explore new things. Explore above, below, and under everything.
Bath time is a cause for major celebration.
For my niece there is no greater activity than taking a bath. Total happiness ensues as she gets placed in her tub. Everything about a bath is full of joy—the water, the splashing, making bubbles, and time with her parents.
When was the last time you reveled in something like a bath or even a hot shower? Instead, we get in to get clean and spend the whole time rushing through to-do lists in our heads. Use your bath or shower to cleanse your thoughts and enjoy the experience. Bath time is cause for celebration.
If it’s funny, silly, or exciting, then laugh.
A child laughs an average of forty times per day. An adult laughs an average of fifteen times per day. If something is funny, silly, or exciting, then my niece is laughing. Some are small giggles and some are deep belly laughs. Both are full of present happiness and joy.
There is so much to laugh about. Don’t worry about looking silly or being the one with the loud laugh. Laughter is contagious and immediately changes your mood. If it’s funny, silly, or exciting, then laugh.
Above all else what my nineteen-month-old niece is teaching me about happiness is to be present and enjoy the beauty of life. There is much to be grateful for and enjoy.
Instead, like many, I can easily get wrapped up in deadlines, feeling bad about my body, relationship drama, or fear of failure. All of these are self-created.
If I really stop and just notice the world around me in that moment, I see trees and hear birds. I enjoy the sunrise and sitting with friends. There is no anxiety without anticipation. And you cannot anticipate the present moment; you can only be in it.
Photo by Mindy Gerecke
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5 Unusual Ways to Meditate for Simple Daily De-stressing
“Every day brings a choice: to practice stress or to practice peace.” ~Joan Borysenko
Meditating even for just two minutes every day could help reduce your anxiety, calm your mind, and energize the senses. That’s two minutes of your twenty-four hours. Two minutes that could lengthen your life as you get rid of the negative energy surrounding you and welcome the positive.
Contrary to what you may think, meditation doesn’t have to be in an empty house or room overlooking gorgeous scenery. It would be a bonus, yes, but I have proven that you can clear your mind even while doing these seemingly mundane tasks.
Let me share with you my not-so-secret ways of meditating that have always drawn more than their fair share of curiosity simply because they’re not among the most common practice.
1. Riding the bus or train to work.
I used to commute a lot. On some days, I would people-watch—create stories in my head about the people I commute with. Most of the time, I would listen to music. Until one day, while one of my favorite songs was playing, my mind just drifted away.
I wasn’t even concentrating, not even paying attention to my breathing. I just felt a sense of calm wash over me. That has been one of the most peaceful five minutes of my life.
Use long stretches of travel to meditate. A five-minute journey into your self wouldn’t make you miss your stop. Instead, it will help reduce the noises of life so you can easily receive the signals that have meaning.
2. Eating a meal.
How could you meditate while eating a meal? I can hear that question in your head. For some of us who are used to eating with the whole family, or with a big group during lunch at work, it may seem highly unlikely, as we love exchanging stories and how-our-day-has-beens.
You don’t have to keep quiet when you meditate while eating, though. You can be with family and friends but still be able to achieve that calm to silence any turbulent thoughts you may have. Eating has become a hurried, mindless task for most of us that it has been reduced to open mouth, shove food, and swallow.
Smell your food, feel its texture as you chew slowly. Is it tangy, too sweet, or too salty? The trick is to be in the moment, being aware of the sumptuous feast before you. Savor it. Enjoy it as it goes down to your body to nourish it. Eating is not a race; slow down.
Once you have mastered this, you’ll find that eating has become more pleasurable. You’ll also discover that you’ll eat less, as you are more in tune with your body’s needs.
3. Taking long showers.
They say some of the best ideas come up in the shower. Maybe it’s because showers don’t only cleanse our physical body but our mental state as well. The spray of the shower, the smell of your favorite shampoo scent all these contribute to the wonderful feeling of being one with the universe.
When I am feeling particularly troubled, I soak in the tub for a good fifteen minutes to soothe tired muscles and confused mind. The warm water entices the soul, helping draw the bad energy away so you are left with renewed spirits, being able to welcome great ideas.
4. Dancing to your favorite tune.
Dance or kundali meditation is one of the more popular, albeit a little unusual, ways to meditate. No, it doesn’t involve chanting or keeping still, but it gives you the chance to break free from whatever’s ailing you.
Dancing, while not one of my strongest suits, allows you to let go of the tension building inside your body and get in touch with your inner self. There are actually dancing meditation soundtracks you can move to, but I would recommend something familiar that you could actually sing along with or better associate with for the full experience.
5. Creating Lego figures.
As I have mentioned above, mechanical activities imitate the meditative quality of chanting. I have found, during one of those rare times I actually sat down and tinkered with my Lego pieces again, that it’s a great way to lose one’s self.
Once you have poured all your attention into all the details of your creation, you block out noise and ignore the rest of the world. We practice meditation to promote relaxation and build internal energy or life force. Taking all your Lego pieces to assemble something out of it is a great and fun way to de-stress.
See, not too bad, yes? We can all have the time to take leisurely baths or take pleasure while having dinner. Commuting doesn’t have to be such a torture. We can use these activities to go deeper into the recesses of our mind and body and find that inner peace we need to be more productive and energetic.
Photo by Misha Masha
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It’s a Great Day to Make a Mistake
Why are we so terrified of making mistakes? Why are we killing our creativity and curiosity with our desire for efficiency and conformity?
Today is a great day to make a mistake—and here’s why that’s a good thing.
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Moving Beyond Pain to Find Happiness and Meaning
“When something bad happens you have three choices. You can let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.” ~ Unknown
Most of us have experienced a day or event in our life that changes us forever.
I remember that day vividly, and it still invokes incredible pain in my heart. It was the middle of the night in February. I was twelve years old, and I awoke to my mother screaming and crying to my brother that our dad was dying. He died in his sleep from a massive heart attack.
I will never forget watching the paramedics carry his lifeless body down the stairs into the ambulance.
Things happened fast after that: a quick trip to the hospital, watching the priest enter the room where my dad’s body was, and returning home where we congregated in the living room. No one wanted to go upstairs, and no one slept the remainder of the night.
That was the day that changed the course of my life forever. My happy, carefree existence abruptly ended with my dad’s death. Instead of looking forward to a bright future, I fell into depression that I struggled with for decades.
I let my dad’s death define me and my life. It was a horrible, tragic event, but life does continue after losing a loved one. That’s the part no one ever told me—that it was okay to go on living and be happy again. Instead, I gave up and felt that life was not worth living.
Life at home was not the safe, comfortable place it had once been. Now it was full of endless arguments between my mother and brother. I hated being there.
My once perfect grades were now mediocre, I lost friends, I dropped hobbies, and stopped playing sports. I was no longer interested in life because all I could see and all I could feel were hurt and hopelessness. It wouldn’t go away.
For the next two decades (yes, decades), I drifted through my life as though I was simply a spectator in it.
Nothing brought lasting joy or happiness; I always chose the safe, responsible path with the predicable outcome. Paths that would never hurt me, where I would never fail, where my heart would not be broken.
Where did that get me? Absolutely nowhere. I was as miserable as ever. There were a handful of unfortunate times where I thought suicide was a viable option.
I briefly sought treatment for depression, but quickly quit when I didn’t see immediate results. Quitting was a common occurrence in my life if I didn’t see results or feel happiness fast enough. As you can imagine, I started and then quit a lot of things in my life, usually quitting when the going got tough.
I searched for happiness through the usual channels: shopping, eating, drinking, smoking. Nothing worked because I wasn’t looking in the right places. Depression is relentless, but I vowed to move past it and live a happier life.
I still felt sad, angry, and scared, but I was beginning to feel hope for my future. Or maybe I was just tired of feeling miserable. I definitely was tired of feeling like a victim in my own life.
I never had a light bulb moment, but I did have perseverance. I consider myself to be a survivor. That’s the only thing that kept me going.
Life experiences brought new lessons for me. Some were fun, some were not, but they offered an opportunity to learn about myself. It wasn’t always easy to accept when things didn’t go my way, but it provided growth and wisdom that I needed. They always say that life gives you what you need, not what you want.
Slowly (very slowly), I began to build a life for myself. Fate brought me together with the love of my life, and marriage is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I’m fortunate to have found such a great partner to share my life with. Sharing my life with pets has offered endless amounts of unconditional love.
More recently, I quit a job that I hated. My past history of journaling developed into a love of writing. I self-published two eBooks and created a blog that serves as an outlet to share ideas that mean the most to me.
Managing life’s ups and downs is always challenging, but through it all, I have learned more about myself and found better ways to cope. The list below is what I work on daily to bring more happiness and meaning to my life.
Accept yourself for who you are.
I am an introvert and at times have been made to feel that something is wrong with me because I am quiet, reserved, and sensitive. It’s taken a long time to accept that there is nothing wrong with my desire for quiet, alone time to think and reflect.
Do things at your own pace.
Never feel rushed or that you need to go at someone else’s pace. It took me a long time to process the sadness I was feeling, but I spent too much time continuing to wallow in past hurt.
Don’t make the same mistake. This is your life; you have to learn, experience, and grow to get the most of this journey. Deal with things in your own way, take your time, but don’t make it an opportunity to live in the past.
Don’t fear change (and don’t fear the future).
Life doesn’t stay the same; change is inevitable. Fear of the unknown can paralyze us to never take action, to never live the best life we can have. Know that you have the strength to deal with whatever will happen.
Pursue passions.
This is the only way to add value and find meaning in your life. Cultivate creativity, help others, do anything that feeds your soul and is important to you.
Practice gratitude.
Remind yourself daily of the good things in your life: be it a spouse, partner, family, friends, pets, gratifying work, a comfortable home, or food in your kitchen. Never take for granted the things that matter most, for they can be gone in a heartbeat.
For years, I waited for wonderful things to come into my life to restore happiness. It has been a long journey of discovering that only I can control my happiness.
My life and everything in it is up to me alone. That was a hard lesson to learn. I regretted wasting so many years waiting for good things to happen, when I had the power to make things better all along.
The answers are not outside of us, but inside, waiting to be discovered.
Photo by Laura
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Accepting Imperfection and Making Peace with Our “Piece in Progress”
“Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. It means you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections.” ~Unknown
I’m back in New York City after touring for the last five years as a global musical scientist.
My international and domestic sonic experiments took me all over the world to exotic lands and faraway locales.
I climbed the Inca Trail for four days straight while combating altitude sickness, learning how to speak at low capacity oxygen levels (imagine Darth Vader), and hemoglobin adaptation became my mantra.
I also wrote and recorded a number one single in Copenhagen, Denmark. Likewise, I traveled to France, Finland, Russia, and Spain, as well as several national stops: Austin, Texas, DC, Boston, California (twice), and Hawaii, to name a few.
I even lived with a Costa Rican family and became a real ‘tico’ in San Ramon. Furthermore, I discovered a floating village in Cambodia, talked art science shop in Singapore, and had the backs of my knees lit on fire with moxibustion in Koh Samui, Thailand.
Sounds glamorous, but in all that life spice the one consistency was myself, and let me tell you, you can really get to you.
As wonderfully liberating and bohemian as it was to pick up and play from country to country, from foreign foods, cultures and languages, to random rules, regulations, and rites of passages, it also became a constant struggle to perfect the adventures.
Naturally, practical fears ensued: How would I finance myself on the road from tour to tour? What would happen if I couldn’t understand the language? How would I be able to reach anyone in the middle of the Amazon?
But the worst mind chatter came from my own self-doubt: How is this record manifesting given the fact that I have a unfamiliar, makeshift studio instead of my usual recording space? Is this one gigantic failure?
Does anyone understand what I’m doing or what I mean? Can anyone hear those ambient birds behind the vocal and piano line? Is there even a piano at the next stop? Wait, why am I doing this again? What is a musical scientist?
I was obsessed with perfection, particularly as it related to my work, and it was starting to take the fun out of my experience.
As an artist/scientist hybrid, I usually feel balanced between the creative and logistical, but the need to perfect my experiments started to weigh on the childlike, free, and non-judgmental parts of myself.
I was striving for my work to be a huge success upon initial conception instead of letting the manifestations of failures become the real magic in process.
It was during my time in Singapore while visiting a friend that I developed a perspective change to help me combat this uber desire to micromanage my situations.
With eighteen hours on the plane to think, I began to imagine that we all have a life pie with slices representing certain parts of our life. For instance, each sector could be divided into finance, love, health, relationships, career, and so forth.
It dawned on me that the majority of the folks I met and had deep conversations with on my travels shared stories of their imperfect piece(s): “I lost my job,” or “She dumped me,” or “I come from a messed up family.”
It was often easier for people, myself included, to dwell on the missing segment, the piece that didn’t match the others, and focus on trying to tweak the weak.
The pattern I recognized was that no soul’s life pie was ever completely maximized, at least not at the same time. There’s always a “piece in progress.” Maybe one, two, perhaps even half the pie didn’t look like the rest.
I visualized a life pie like a leaky faucet. As soon as you fix one of the spouts, the pressure adjusts to the other side, and pretty soon you’re exhausted trying to Band-Aid all these pressure points.
I’m reminded of my favorite tale, “The Story of The Golden Buddha,” by Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen.
To paraphrase, approximately 300 years ago, the Burmese army planned to invade Thailand.
Thai monks had an incredibly gorgeous golden Buddha statue within their monastery and wanted to protect their treasured possession during the attack, so they covered the statue with dirt, clay, and sticks.
As the Burmese pressed into Thailand, they killed all the monks, but left the precious Buddha be, as it was disguised.
During the mid 1950s, the monastery was relocated to make way for city developments, and as the monks began moving the Buddha, the clay began to crack and fall to the floor. Only then, after all that time, did the gold underneath begin to shine.
To me, the tale’s a constant reminder that we, like the golden Buddha, spend too much precious time cloaking ourselves with mud in the form of societal coding, personal pressures, and expectations deeply fixed in fear.
But, by accepting these self-perceived shortcomings as part of the bigger picture, we realize that we each have our own labyrinth as we go through life. This is how we learn life’s lessons, slowly revealing more of our golden uniqueness.
If we obsess about perfection, we’ll just stay stagnant and idle instead of moving forward with our pieces in progress, allowing them to be part of the journey toward self-realization.
Even the gravitationally bound system consisting of stars, dust, and matter that constitutes our universe has endless imperfections, such as windstorms, black holes, and galactic hurricanes.
If we, as humans, are living in this totality of existence rooted in chaos, we can only expect to mirror it. Understanding that there’s nothing wrong with us for having imperfect life pies can help us make peace with our piece in progress—and ourselves.
Photo by Matteo.Mazzoni
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Releasing Negative Beliefs: How Letting Go Sets Us Free
“Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.” ~Andre Gide
I have walked on water.
The frozen wasteland known as Chicago had kept me inside, wary of the intense cold that was breaking records that particularly frigid winter. But after interminable snow days, I began to feel like a caged animal that needed to break free.
I woke early one morning, overcome with the urgent need to connect to something living, something wild. I wrapped myself in countless layers like the kid in The Christmas Story and ventured out into the urban tundra. I felt compelled to walk to the beach that was a few miles from my house.
An eerie, otherworldly feeling washed over me as I walked, achingly aware of the stark, endless whiteness all around me. The world itself felt as it was hung in frozen suspension and apprehension. Everything seemed to be hushed in reverence.
When I reached the shore, I was hyper aware of the need to maintain a safe distance from the water, but I felt compelled to get as close as possible.
As I moved forward across the frozen sand, I tried to gauge exactly where the land ended by using various items as points of reference—a fence, a wooden bench, a recycling bin. I inched my way toward the lake until there were no more reference points, and then became as still as the land beneath me. Or what I thought was land.
I looked down at my feet and realized I was standing on a frozen wave, not a snow covered sand dune as I originally thought. I had walked out too far. I could both hear and feel the movement of the wave beneath my feet.
I felt a juxtaposition of fear, exhilaration, and an overwhelming sense of weightlessness. My first instinct was to run, but I wasn’t sure of my footing. I was terrified that if I shifted my weight too quickly, I might fall through. I had no idea how deep the water was where I stood.
At that moment I zeroed in on my true purpose for coming to the water. I reached into my pocket and pulled out a little bag filled with small strips of paper like confetti. On each one I had written something I wished to release from my life.
- The fear that I will never find the type of love I want and need.
- The belief that I am unlovable.
- The commitment to being alone.
I opened the bag to the wind, letting the belief-covered papers flutter out over the frozen lake. I did this quickly because I sensed the danger to my body on that unstable surface, and the danger to my heart if I held onto those stories a moment longer.
With my task completed, I gingerly walked back to solid land. I let out a deep breath and knew so much had been released with those papers still floating on the wind.
That moment on a frozen lake taught me a few very important things about surrender.
- Surrender is about vulnerability and receptivity.
- The opposite of surrender is resistance and control.
- And it all comes down to fear and trust.
I realized that my heart had become like that lake. A living thing that is supposed to flow, constricted by a lack of warmth and space into a frozen and dangerous place.
One of the ways we keep our hearts frozen is by holding on to negative beliefs. These beliefs may be seem like they are about others or life in general. Usually, however, they are based on our perceptions. Negative beliefs are born from our wounds and stories.
Eventually, every life experience becomes colored by these beliefs. Everything we see, say, do, and even feel is filtered through these limitations, judgment, patterns, conditionings, and doubt. The sad and scary part is that these beliefs tend to hide themselves in our subconscious, making us think that we are acting from free will.
We may not even be conscious that we are holding on to negative beliefs.
Unconsciously, we begin to nurture our negative beliefs without even being aware that we are doing so. We feed them and help them grow by giving them energy. We affirm them by attracting experiences that validate their existence. This becomes a vicious cycle. Holding on to negative beliefs justifies our need to be right.
Many of us hold on to our grievances and emotional scars with fierce protection. They become like badges of honor.
We think that without our constant vigilance, the memory of our wounds or broken hearts will be forgotten. We believe that we are some how “honoring our personal story” by holding on. If we do not act as the constant “keeper of our wounds,” our suffering will have been in vain.
But spring must come if life is to flourish again.
We must allow our hearts to thaw. We need to frequently evaluate our belief structures and release the stories that no longer serve us.
Releasing our attachment to our personal histories doesn’t invalidate the emotional pain we suffered. It doesn’t mean that the defenses and barriers we erected to protect ourselves weren’t based on a real need for self-preservation at those times. Instead, it means that we assimilate the lessons we have gained from the experience while loosening its ability to control our lives.
Just like the coldness and bareness of winter allows the Earth to rejuvenate, and ultimately makes everything stronger, so too do our personal winters allow us to access our depths. Every wound makes us stronger as we heal it, and gives us greater access to our power.
Letting go of beliefs puts a great responsibility on us. If we connect with our personal power we must give up the illusion that we are victims. We can longer view ourselves as passively vulnerable to the whims of others. We now must take responsibility for how our life unfolds.
This realization is a lot scarier than standing on a frozen lake.
To truly open our hearts, to truly wield our power, we must be willing to participate in life.
This requires both owning our part in situations and allowing experiences to unfold as they will. Accepting others’ actions and emotions without making them fit into some box as a hero or demon. And especially releasing our mental constructs about how life should be, what we should or should not be doing, and how other people should interact with us.
Releasing expectations and resistance is one of the most empowering acts of life. Resisting what is can be emotionally, spiritually, and physically exhausting. We get stuck in patterns that begin to define how we interact with the world. And even though they are painful, because they are familiar and usually hidden, we can stay stuck for years.
I had developed many of my beliefs to protect myself after a series of breakups and broken hearts.
I convinced myself that believing I wasn’t worthy of love was safer than opening myself up to the possibility of love. If I never opened my heart to anyone, I would never be disappointed or have to experience the excruciating pain of heartache.
I was keeping myself lonely and cut off from life. Trying to protect myself from pain, I was actually constantly hurting myself more.
When I finally relaxed enough to let go of my old beliefs, my life began to flow with greater ease and grace.
I walked out onto that frozen water because I needed to have a close encounter with life. I needed to let the primal elements cleanse me of my outmoded ways of being.
I went beyond the fear and conditioning because, finally, being alive mattered more than being comfortable. Now I recognize that I must trust that life will always provide the situations and experiences required for my evolution. And that surrender is the only way to be free.
Photo by Andi_Graf
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Stop Waiting for Tomorrow: 3 Ways to Love Your Life Now
“Life always waits for some crisis to occur before revealing itself at its most brilliant.” ~Paul Coelho
My husband had been unemployed for more than two years before it hit me that I was dealing with it all wrong. During that time, I kept thinking that any day he would find a new job. And every day that went by I was disappointed, frustrated, unhappy, and even angry at times.
For two years I felt like we were in limbo. I was always thinking, “We’ll do this or that after he finds a job.” Everything seemed to be put on hold.
But the thing was, it wasn’t on hold. That was my life, and I needed to accept it as it was.
I finally realized that my life was going on every day, no matter what was happening at any particular moment. My life was not waiting for my husband to get a new job or until our finances were in better shape. Time was marching on.
Besides just accepting my life as it was, I wanted more. I also wanted to embrace and celebrate my life and be truly happy.
But how do you that when you feel like you are just barely hanging on? Our biggest problem was financial, and we honestly struggled to pay our bills and sometimes to buy groceries. It was an extremely stressful time. I felt sorry for my kids, my husband, and myself.
I knew I needed to get away from thinking about money all the time. And I knew I needed to focus on my life as it was in the present, not as I thought it might be in the future. I longed to be happy within the reality of our situation.
Three steps helped me to rethink my attitude and create a life I loved in that moment, as it was right then and there, instead of always hoping for a better future.
If you’re also resisting what is, these steps may help you make peace with it and find happiness again:
1. Take stock of what you have instead of what’s missing.
When I made lists of what I had and what was missing, it became clear immediately that I had so much! My list included two beautiful daughters, wonderful friends, a roof over my head, a supportive family, a career that I loved, a cute cat, and much more.
Two things really stood out about my lists. First, my “what I had” list was much longer than my “what was missing” list. And second, I noticed how different the things were on each list.
The things on my “what I had” list were much more important than what was missing. What was missing tended to be centered on material things. For example, vacations I wanted to take that we couldn’t afford or buying new furniture.
But what I had was about the things that really mattered in life. Taking stock made me realize that I needed to shift my attention.
Looking at the list of what I had made me feel like my life was abundant, and I suddenly felt a sense of gratitude.
Taking stock of where you are and what you have at this very moment can be eye-opening. Chances are you’ll find, like I did, that your “what I have” list is not only longer but also more meaningful than your “what is missing” list.
2. Focus on what really matters.
All my attention on our financial problems made me lose focus of what is the most important part of my life: my relationships with family and friends.
It doesn’t cost any money to cultivate our relationships with others. Cultivating relationships comes down in large part to communicating authentically, engaging in conversations that really mean something and are marked by deep listening and honesty.
With my daughters, who were both nearing their teens, this meant slowing down and listening to whatever they felt like telling me. Each little morsel of news about friends or school or how they were feeling was a gift that I treasured. And I discovered that the more I slowed down and listened, the more they talked to me.
I am also fortunate to have a very tight circle of friends who mean the world to me. They cheer me on, listen when I need to talk, and make me laugh. I realized what a precious gift that laughter is. To laugh so hard I cry was another thing to treasure.
3. Enjoy life’s simple pleasures.
Instead of thinking about the vacations that I couldn’t go on, I thought about the morning walk I took around a nearby lake where I saw two bald eagles, a crane, and the mountains reflected in the water.
I focused on my creativity—I played my guitar more and I started a new creative endeavor, collaging, which I absolutely loved. I continued to write and to experiment with painting. Through these creative outlets, I started embracing my life.
Shifting your attention to simple yet joyful activities is another way to gain a whole new perspective on what you have in your life. Being creative and enjoying nature are two great places to start exploring life’s simple pleasures.
Once I started thinking about how to live my life to its fullest in the present moment before it completely passes me by, my attitude changed.
That’s not to say I don’t still have stressful financial moments or a longing to take a family vacation to a distant place, but I am no longer missing out on what is happening in my life. I am embracing the life I have and I am genuinely happy!
It is possible to embrace your life and find happiness in the midst of crisis.
When we look at our life with a wide lens, instead of just focusing on financial and career success, we can see opportunities to embrace all of life’s abundance. These can be opportunities to slow down and think about what really matters, what we value most in our life.
Appreciating the most meaningful gifts in your life may just be the surest path to authentic happiness, no matter what your circumstances are at this moment.
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3 Tips to Get Out of Your Head and Start Expressing Yourself
“Always be yourself, express yourself, have faith in yourself, do not go out and look for a successful personality and duplicate it.” ~Bruce Lee
I have always been timid when it comes to expressing myself, speaking my mind, and standing up for something. This stems from being raised in a culture where showing emotions is frowned upon.
Nothing I ever did seemed good enough. There was constant criticism that I could do better, and be better. I was raised to never to talk back to my seniors and not to say anything when I had nothing nice to say.
So I’ve always played it safe and stood by the sideline, and I never wanted to rock the boat. And sometimes, when I’ve felt like saying something, I’ve wondered if people would even care.
Because, frankly, sometimes people talk just for the sake of talking or because they want attention, and that bothered me. However, I also envied those who could just say what they think and speak their truth, even though I may or may not have agreed with them.
Nonetheless, as years passed, the more I stayed mummed, the more horrible my body and mind felt.
I eventually became depressed. I felt like no one cared, I didn’t know who I should be, and I felt lost. Not wanting to blame the past anymore, I knew I needed to find something to take me away from this darkness.
Along the way I found Bodytalk and yoga, and these were the things that helped me get out of my depression and helped shift my mindset. As I became more engaged with these activities, my inner voice grew stronger and stronger, and it wanted to come out and express itself.
I began to accept myself for who I am, and soon, much like Katy Perry, I was ready for the world to hear me “roar.”
The Problem
It took me forever to express myself in both writing and speaking because I felt like I had to craft the perfect message to sound smart, funny, and diplomatic. By the time I was ready to share my thoughts, the conversation topic had gone and the moment had passed.
Yes, it’s great to be thoughtful but Come on! I would tell myself. Stop bottling up your thoughts and start expressing yourself without care.
I’ve learned to nurture my voice and not spend so much time crafting my message and worrying about what others think.
These are the three philosophies that have helped me get out of my head, let go, and start expressing myself.
1. The only person you need to impress is yourself.
Yes, it’s scary to put yourself out there to potentially have people judge you. But if you know who you are and what you stand for, does it matter what others think, when you know your truth and what it means to you?
The truth is, if you are comfortable in your own skin, what others think of you probably won’t bother you that much. After all, you will always have people who will be for you or against you, so why not stand for something and just be you? What’s the worst thing that could happen?
“In the end people will judge you anyway, don’t live your life impressing others. Live your life impressing yourself.” ~from Raw for Beauty
2. Stand for something.
This is important. It allows you to let your personality shine. It’s also the foundation of your values, which help shape your identity, allowing people to connect with you and enabling you to surround yourself with like-minded people for support.
Remember, no man is an island, as John Donne wrote. We, as human beings, need to interact with another and need each other to find fulfillment in our lives. So stand for something to build your world of lovers and ‘haters,’ instead of having no supporters or challengers to help you grow.
3. Let go of the outcome.
Sometimes we say things or do things because we want to get a certain reaction or action out of people. However, keeping in mind we have no control over anything in life (except for our actions and our responses), why not speak your truth?
Your body and mind will be grateful because you are being honest with yourself. In the end, whatever happens, you’ve got nothing to lose because you have honored your truth. No regrets.
“Say what you wanna say, and let the words fall out. I wanna see you be brave.” ~Sara Bareilles, Brave
Have you ever felt like you were holding back from speaking your truth? What helped you?
Photo by Leland Francisco
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Grandma Betty: Inspiring 81-Year-Old Instagram Celebrity
She’s a “simple southern girl” who exudes joy, positivity, and hope, in spite of her lung cancer diagnosis—and in spite of having lost both her husband and daughter to cancer.
Grandma Betty has inspired more than half-a-million followers on Instagram with her infectious energy and smile. And now perhaps she’ll inspire you. She’s certainly inspired me.
When asked why she’s so happy, Grandma Betty responded, “I’m happy cause I’m living. And I’m taking one breath at a time. I don’t take no more. I take one breath and one step at a time.”
It’s a message we all need to remember: take it one breath and one step at a time—and do it with a smile.
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Avoid the Pain of Emotional Eating and Transform Your Mood
“To ensure good health: eat lightly, breathe deeply, live moderately, cultivate cheerfulness, and maintain an interest in life.” ~William Londen
In essence, interconnectedness refers to the linkages between all things. Some even take it a step further and say that not only is everything linked, but in actuality, there are no real distinctions between you and me, between thought and behavior, or between past, present, and future.
On the surface, the concept of interconnectedness seems simple—everything is linked to everything else, and everyone is linked to everyone else. However, in practice, applying the concept of interconnectedness to the way I live has been anything but simple.
After much contemplation, I came to the conclusion that if I were going to truly live interconnectedness, and not just think or read about it, I would need to fully grasp the fact that my thoughts, actions (or inactions), and outcomes were fundamentally intertwined.
This not only impacted the ways I engaged with others, but also shaped the ways in which I engaged with myself, particularly with respect to what, when, and how I eat.
Interconnectedness Eating
You see, for me, preparing and eating colorful, veg-centric dishes are beautiful, almost spiritual acts. Unfortunately, though, when negative emotions or stress creep into my life, my philosophy on the transcendent nature of food and eating gets replaced by hurried preparations and scarfing down faux-food.
It was during one of my particularly busy weeks that I found myself mindlessly eating cookie dough ice cream for dinner, and thought, “How could interconnectedness help insulate me from this cycle of soothing my negative emotions with poor eating habits?”
First, I tried to document my patterns.
Upon doing so, I realized that when I am sad or angry, I actually don’t eat. I just totally lose my appetite. I also realized, however, that by not eating, I am essentially robbing my body of its ability function and, of course, to regulate my emotions.
Moreover, deprivation also meant that I was not cooking—the one activity, in addition to dancing, that’s a surefire way to turn my negative mood around.
So here it was, interconnectedness working oh so clearly: sadness and anger connected to deprivation, deprivation connected to physiological deterioration, and both of those phenomena connected to me cutting out the very thing that makes me feel better—cooking.
When caught in this cycle, my energy wanes, negative emotions persist, and deprivation runs rampant. It was clear: My feelings, my behaviors, and my body were interconnected.
Going back to stress, rather than not eating at all, I tend to eat a lot when I’m stressed, a lot of sweets, that is. While not total deprivation per se, consuming a bunch of processed sugar leads to similar ends—feeling undernourished, prolonged negative emotions, and negative physical outcomes, as well.
All of this to say, the first part of interconnectedness eating is noticing. Noticing the linkages between our emotions, our thoughts, and our food choices and eating behaviors.
Some folks eat a lot; some do not eat at all. Some folks prefer sweets; some salty or fatty foods. For some people, stress, sadness, and anger elicit the same eating behaviors; for others, there are nuances between the three. The point is, it’s important to ask yourself what are your specific patterns?
Then what? What do you do once discovered your patterns?
Set a Mood of Joy By Creating a Nourishment Ritual
Stop.
Now, when I’m sad, angry, or stressed, I stop. I stop, I note what I am feeling, and then I think about what role I have played, either through my actions or through my appraisals of the situation, in whatever has led me to feeling negative. I remember that I am interconnected with whatever it seems like on the surface is causing my negative mood.
Importantly, just as I help to create my own sadness, anger, or stress, I can also transform my sadness, anger, or stress into my joy.
Again, how you may ask? By going into full on nourishment mode.
I put on a frilly apron, which makes me feel cute, and turn up some Latin or Brazilian music, which soothes my soul. In short, I start by setting a mood of joy, even I do not feel joyful yet. By starting the ritual of nourishment before food ever touches my tongue, I’m on track to a better mood and healthy actions.
Next, I think about a dish to make, one with aromas that tantalize my nose and with colors that intrigue my eyes. Then, I start to prepare the dish. I cut, stir, whip, and sauté with care. In this way, cooking becomes a calming, nourishing act of mindfulness in and of itself.
Once my dish is prepared, I set the table. Then, I serve myself, give thanks, and taste my culinary creation. With each bite, I’m reminded of just how lucky I am to have access to food, and with each moment of gratitude, a little bit of my sadness, or anger, or stress dissipates.
Even when I do not have time to cook, I do this last set of actions—setting a place at the table, savoring my food, and evoking gratitude because I’ve found that just the act of slowing down can be realigning.
I Still Have Far to Go
Although I still have a lot of progress to make before I completely stop reaching for ice cream after a stressful day, I can see the difference in my eating after recognizing that my emotional, physical, spiritual, and social selves all benefit when I embrace their interconnectedness.
We all owe it to ourselves to be conscientious about our eating patterns, but with so many demands, it can be exhausting to do so consistently.
I truly believe though when we recognize interconnectedness and embrace the power we all have to create joy in our lives, we liberate ourselves. Why not use this power in the context of something we do each and every day—eat.
Photo by Masha Kushnir
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3 Self-Honoring Ways to Deal with Low-Energy Days
“Being who you are is another way of accepting yourself.” ~Unknown
A few months ago I woke up with what my good friend and I call “the rage.” I was automatically annoyed by the tone of people’s emails in my inbox. I was frustrated by the lack of response from others. My tea tasted too strong. I felt cooped up in the house. Need I go on?
So I went to the gym to increase my endorphins. I figured that a good workout would be the perfect cure-all.
It wasn’t. I left my HIIT (high intensity interval training) pleasantly exhausted but still agitated.
Then I sat down to get into a Zen-like state with my life coach. I trusted that together we could get to the bottom of whatever this wonky energy was all about.
I cried, releasing beautiful misunderstandings about current business relationships. It was an incredibly healing session, and I hung up the phone thinking it was such a relief to know where this negative energy was coming from. But the lightness I usually experienced at the end of a session was nowhere to be found.
Instead, I felt sad and lonely.
It was in that moment, hanging up the phone from my coach, that I realized I needed to stop trying to fix my low-energy day. There was no one reason I was feeling this way. It wasn’t anything I did or didn’t do; it just was, and it was time for me to be okay with that.
The only place I had heard of such acceptance was within my Human Design studies, so I picked up a book.
According to Human Design, most of us have what is considered to be an “emotional authority.”
This means that we tend to let our emotions rule our decisions, and we can easily make rash decisions just to end the emotional turmoil we feel. Or, to the opposite extreme, we can say yes in an effort to hold onto an exciting expectation.
Most notably, our emotional authority is an energy that constantly moves through us in a wave pattern. Sometimes the wave is up and we feel great, and sometimes the wave is down and we feel off or have low energy.
I’ve learned that the key is not to focus solely on our high-energy feelings, or to get rid of our low energy. The key as Buddha says, is for us to find “the middle way.”
Release attachment to either end of the spectrum and find the still point. That is where emotional clarity lies.
Thus, on that day a few months back, I asked myself to stop pushing. I stopped pushing the negative emotions away and I stopped pushing myself into a more positive high.
Instead, I honored and acknowledged my wonky feelings in these three ways.
1. Self-pampering.
I hugged myself. I sat on the floor in my living room and circled my arms around my knees. Then, when I was ready, I went out to get a hot yummy drink at the coffee shop down the street.
I let my to-do list fly out the window, and I gave my body and my mind my full attention. I did a lot of journal writing that day. I like journaling when I can, and it helped me explore areas where I could really stand up for myself in my business and in my relationships.
2. The twenty-four-hour rule.
I released myself from making any big decisions. I knew my energy was all over the place, and the key was to wait for clarity. Thus, I gave myself a twenty-four-hour rule. I wouldn’t make any big decisions until 9:00AM the next day, at the earliest.
This wonky, negative energy was here for me to explore and learn from. It was still too early to start sharing a new truth. I couldn’t expect myself to grasp my learnings well enough to articulate them to others, nor could I expect myself to be in a place to take feedback neutrally. Not yet, anyway.
This rule gave me the freedom to explore what I really wanted.
3. Judgment-free space.
I deemed my home, my body, and the three-foot bubble around me wherever I went to be my judgment-free space. There was nothing good or bad, right or wrong about my low-energy day. It was here for me, as an amazingly imperfect human being, to experience.
This allowed me to embrace it and learn from it. It was no one’s fault. There was nothing wrong with me for feeling this way. It wasn’t going to last forever, and everyone would still love me in the morning.
When I woke up at 7:00AM the next day, I felt refreshed. The rage and negative energy were gone, and I could also see clearly how I wanted to proceed in my business relationships.
A huge sigh escaped my lips. I had allowed myself to be a part of the day’s adventure. Instead of fighting it or allowing it to take over my life for who knows how long, I had loved my low energy.
Which of these three self-honoring actions will you try when you have a low-energy, “rage” day?
Photo by rklopfer
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Why Fulfillment Comes from Being Yourself, and How to Be Okay with That
“To wish you are someone else is to waste the person you are.” ~Sven Goran Eriksson
I have been studying business and marketing for quite some time now, watching the most successful men and women very carefully and picking apart how they’ve achieved what they’ve achieved.
I’ve read every book I can get my paws on and thought long and hard about why they have managed it and others just haven’t.
I’ve also seen many businesses and online brands mimicking exactly what those super successful people are doing, and I’ve wondered why they are a mere shadow on the wall in comparison.
I’ve realized one thing: The super-successful people are doing exactly the same things as the not so successful people.
They use the same tools, blog about the same topics, and have the same personal development techniques. But they still do way better; they have more followers and fans that rave about their work and share it with everyone they know.
And it’s purely because they are rocking it in their own way. They are being their honest selves.
But how do they do that?!
I have been tormented with being myself all my life, struggling with the idea of liking myself and who I am.
I’ve been on a merry-go-round of trying to be someone or something that everyone will like. But I know that not everyone will like everything, so I’ve set myself an impossible task.
I also know that self-love and acceptance is the key to everything I want. Not just success, but to be happy with who I am, at last.
I often have this conversation with myself:
Hey, I’m weird. I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere. I feel as if people will always judge me for doing what I want and being me and only me.
What’s wrong with being me? I’m no good at being anyone else, so what’s the big deal? Well, maybe there isn’t a big deal?
Am I making a big deal?
Right, that’s it, I’m stopping this nonsense. I’m just going to be me…
But who the hell is “me”?!
Can I determine that by what I like? Or by my interests?
Or is it pure and simple my mannerisms, the way I look and the things I say?
Maybe it’s the way I think…?
Then I’m looping. On that never ending cycle of question after question.
And those questions never get answered.
The problem is, it’s very difficult to know who you are and why you do things and where your crazy thought processes come from.
It’s impossible to put yourself into a category, but even so, we’re constantly trying to categorize ourselves. Think of subcultures like goths or punks, and blogging tribes, and football teams. Everyone is trying to belong.
You see, I don’t have the dialogue above with myself in an attempt to understand who I am, but to try to understand how I fit into this world.
I want to understand how I can offer something to the world, make a difference, be liked by the people I meet and, ultimately, belong. Just like those super successful people, but not them—just myself.
I’m not sure if human beings can ever really know themselves. We’re constantly evolving, growing, changing, especially people like us who are into personal development and enlightenment.
We’re on fast-forward compared to people who don’t take much notice of developing themselves. So every few months we become a different person, who is the same person, with a lot more knowledge and different way of looking at the world.
It’s actually pretty mind-blowing!
We know that the beauty of ourselves is our individualism, our differences, and the quirks that only we have. But at the same time, we know that people are drawn to familiarity and like-mindedness. And this is where I personally get confused, because half the time I’m trying to be myself and the other half of the time I’m trying to fit in—or even worse, be someone who I’d like to be like!
But it doesn’t serve us to be torn like this, and I find that the temptation of trying to fit in is actually my own insecurities sabotaging the possibilities of me being completely myself. Completely free of the constraints of conforming, free of being a reflection of someone else, free of acting out someone else’s story.
Next time you look at someone successful or beautiful or passionate, and you have those inspired feelings of “Maybe I could be like that too?”, always remember that, yes, you can do what they do, but you can never be like them.
You can do it all too. But you need to just keep being you.
I’m reminding myself of this on a daily basis, trying my utmost to convince my pesky brain that it’s safe to be me. In fact, it’s the only way to be if I ever want to be truly happy.
These are the things I am doing to keep on track with being me. They might not work for you, because you are you, but they could change everything:
1. Get the Universe in on the plan.
The first thing I did was stop asking the Universe what my life purpose was, whether I should go traveling or start saving for a mortgage, or if this business idea was the right one. And instead, I started asking it to let me know if I wasn’t being myself.
I started to get little signs that reminded me that I wasn’t on the right path. And also big ones, like when my last business crumbled into nothingness. Yes, the Universe was serious about me being myself and not something I thought I should be!
2. Be kinder to yourself.
You may have heard this a million times, but honestly, it’s working. When my mind chatter goes spinning off into some cruel dialogue along the lines of “I’m not good enough,” I ask myself, “Would I say that to someone I love?’
The answer is no, I would never say that to someone I love. I would say, “Darling, you’re doing just fine, you deserve happiness and love, and you are perfect just the way you are.”
And all of sudden I chill out, I stop fretting, knowing that I have my own support in this.
3. Remind yourself that someone is relying on you.
There’s nothing like a bit of guilt to motivate you! But really, imagine just one person that needs you to just be you. One person that needs your talent so desperately that it will change their life, move them out of poverty into comfort or sadness into joy.
By not being you, you won’t be on purpose, you won’t be sharing your gift, you won’t be changing those lives. This makes me dig deep and get real with myself, because someone is relying on me to be me!
You don’t have to know who you are to be who you are; just do what makes you feel alive, live how you want to live, and don’t let the constraints of other people’s stories hinder you in any way.
Today, and every day, I’m choosing to be myself. And I’m getting better at it.
Photo by Scarleth Marie
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Making Your Passion Your Career (Despite the Naysayers)
“Don’t let life randomly kick you into the adult you don’t want to become.” ~Chris Hadfield, astronaut
As a kid, you put zero thought into doing what you loved.
You simply played, not knowing that your future self wouldn’t play that much at all. Work was serious business.
When I was in kindergarten, our classroom had a block center, a board game shelf, a home center with dolls and a play stove, a drawing center, and a sand table.
We naturally gravitated to the area that was most fun, with no thought about what would look good on our future resumes or college applications.
As far back as I can remember, making up stories, writing them down, and telling them to anyone that would listen were my favorite activities.
Fast forward to high school, then college.
It’s Time to be an Adult
Others told me that writing and art were lovely little hobbies, but I needed to choose a real career, something that would make money. I looked around to see what the other kids would do, trying to spark an idea. If it wasn’t writing, I was clueless.
I never thought of asking, “Why not?” Why couldn’t writing be a career? I just accepted that a job or career had to be something you made a realistic, intellectual choice about, and not one that came from your heart.
And I wasn’t the only one who received messages like this. I heard Oprah say that as a child she was asked what she thought she would do as a career.
She said, “Well, I like talking to people.”
The person responded, “Well, you can’t make money doing that.”
7 Failed Careers Later
Years later, after I was told I couldn’t make a career out of writing, I ended up with a resume that was four pages long and days that were like a yearlong run-on sentence.
I plowed through job after job, staring out the windows and riding the trains I hated to jobs I hated even more. I did a good job at most of them and earned a nice income.
I was a school secretary, lifeguard, pre-school assistant, mortgage processor, office manager, dance teacher, and a few others I can’t remember. I taught sewing classes and even started two businesses thinking that being my own boss would solve my empty feelings.
It didn’t.
A Return to Love
Then I reached a turning point and realized I needed to go back to doing what I loved and make it work somehow.
I had a week off work and found myself writing from morning to night. I felt my headaches lifting and a sense of peacefulness developing. I submitted an essay to a local newspaper. The publication didn’t accept it, but I didn’t care.
I knew it was time to make my passion my day job, and here is what I did.
The next time I was asked what type of work I did, for the first time in my life, I answered, “I’m a writer.”
I began to read everything I could about writers and bloggers who wrote for a living, how they did it, and how they transitioned from other jobs. I wrote daily because I loved it.
No worries about publication or earning money from my passion, just pure unadulterated love. I decided not to lose hope no matter what.
I responded to an online ad for writing work and got the gig. Though I was only writing a few blog posts for $25 each, it felt like a million dollars.
So my kids started wearing their cousins’ hand-me-down clothes. I held my breath as I tightened my belt until I could barely breathe. The fridge had the bare basics, the electricity got shut off once, and the car got towed and it was a pain to get it back. But I managed.
I took a course on writing, joined a business mastermind group, and worked with a mentor on writing during the mornings. I worked evenings and weekends to support myself.
I was writing at last.
Do you recognize your passion? Not hobbies or things you like doing for fun sometimes—the one thing that rises above all. Think back to what you loved to do as a child, what you gravitated toward for no reason other than fun, and you will find it.
Are you ready to say yes? Turn your passion into a career one step at a time with the following tips.
1. Tell one stranger.
Even before you’re working at making your passion your day job or income source, go ahead and tell someone that you’re a _______. (Fill in the blank). At any chance you get, do it again.
2. Obsess over it.
Move your passion from the back burner of your mind to the front. Think about it every chance you get if you’re not already doing so. Read about people who have successfully transitioned into the work you want to be doing.
3. Do it for love.
Whatever your passion, forget about making it into a career until you spend enough time reveling in the absolute joy of doing it. Paint, write, dance, take photos, carve wood, whatever it may be for love and only love.
4. Hope above all.
Decide that you will never give up hope.
5. Shout it out loud.
Put an ad out or tell people that you are willing to do some work in your field of passion for pay or for free.
6. Wear the tightest belt ever.
Pull. Tight, if you must (if funds are an issue). I hate this part, but there’s no getting around this. See where you could take some funds from one budget and put it toward a course or mentor so you are not doing this alone.
One person inspires another. If you are already pulled tight, reach out for a mentor or learn from free resources and YouTube videos.
7. Forget “Easy does it.”
Easy doesn’t do it. Period. You’ll face challenges, and resistance from yourself and others. Do it anyway.
Goodbye Naysayers
Whoever told you that you couldn’t turn your passion into a career had better sit down, because you may be on your way to doing just that. The girl with the pretty voice from the Bronx, the English writer on the train on welfare, the guy with the alcoholic step dad that became President.
And now you.
Stop Looking at the Odds of Failing
The odds against successfully turning your passion into a career and making money from it seem so overwhelming. So stop looking at the odds.
The longing of not doing what you are meant to do catches up to you, and it becomes like a faraway lover that you dream of, that will never return.
The power is in your hands to make it happen day by day, and to blow the naysayers a kiss from the podium. Every moment of the journey is, in fact, an end result in itself.
You will glow from internal approval, even if the money doesn’t come as fast and as much as you would like.
Reclaim the act of doing your passionate work as your career, as if happiness depended upon it.
Because it does.
Photo by Garry Knight
