Tag: wisdom
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How to Start Loving the Parts of Yourself You Don’t Like
“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh
The sun was breaking into my living room as I was sitting at my dining table, viewing a video that I had just recorded for my Facebook group. It was the first one I took, two minutes long, and there were ten more waiting to be recorded.
I had just pressed the play button to see how I look and sounded, and boy, was I in for a surprise.
I kid you not, I felt like I was watching Gargamel from The Smurfs and not me. The only thing I could see, over the entire screen, was my big, bumpy nose. The bump was distracting enough that I literally didn’t hear a word I said.
All I could hear was my inner voice, loudly ranting, “Oh my goodness, look at that nose! Do I really look like that?! This is horrible! Hideous! I can’t look like that in all of my videos, I just can’t! Eeww!!” I was shocked.
I snapped out of it and thought, “I need to fix this!”
I marched straight to my bathroom, took out my makeup bag, and started searching though my eyeshadows and foundations like a maniac.
I had never tried contouring in my life. I had seen only two video tutorials, and thought “damn, that’s a lot of work,” but this was obviously one of those “there’s a first time for everything” moments.
Trying to remember how to do it, I took some light shades, some dark ones, and started applying. Put a little here, a bit there, and after ten minutes of playing around… Mamma MIA! Will you look at that? I fixed my nose. I am A GENIUS!
I proudly cat walked into my living room, sat down in front of that blinking camera, and recorded a new video with my new, straight, slim nose.
It looked fantastic while I was recording. Then I pressed play to watch the video and was in for another surprise.
Again, I didn’t hear a word I said in that video. Then, anger took me over. I was disappointed in myself.
My inner voice kicked in again, louder than before: “This is not you. This is not the person I know. It’s a nice nose, but… Where am I? This is not me. And what’s next, are you gonna fix your lips for the next video so they look bigger?”
I didn’t care about my nose anymore. I didn’t care about the perfect lines, nor the perfect lighting. The only thing I could think was that I’m someone who encourages others to practice self-love, and yet here I was, in shame, trying to camouflage the part I didn’t like just so I could feel better.
This isn’t loving yourself. This isn’t embracing all parts of yourself. This isn’t living authentically.
I pressed stop and thought “Scr*w this!” Then I went to the bathroom and cleaned my face with the biggest grin on. Seeing the real me in the mirror, I felt pride because I could be me. Freely.
I calmly walked into my living room one last time and recorded the most honest, openhearted, all natural video. Me and my bumpy nose. I posted it straight away—the first take. No editing, no pimping. And the responses I got from them were beautiful.
I think a lot of us feel the way I did way too often, which is why I want to share with you what I shared with them: How to turn the parts you don’t like about yourself into your most beloved ones. How to love and accept them.
On days when you feel like this, here’s what you can do to feel better and more loving.
1. Realize that you took the wrong turn.
My reaction came from the urge to hide my imperfection. I felt ashamed of how I looked and I wanted to cover it.
I wanted to look prettier, but not because I felt the need, like we all do, to feel great or look amazing for some special occasion.
Had my desire to put on makeup come from me wanting to emphasize my gifts, look a bit different, and play with my beauty, I would be okay with that.
But that wasn’t the case. I rejected myself. I told myself I was hideous. I wanted to be fixed. Like I was broken and there was something wrong with me. This wasn’t the first time I did this.
For a long time, I was ashamed because I “felt too much.” People constantly told me, “Oh, you and your emotions! You’re such a cry baby!”
It took me a while to accept that part of me, to accept that I am highly emotional. Today I can say I simply love my emotions, good and bad. I made them my number one guiding system through life. They always tell me if something’s right or wrong for me and always help me to make right choices and decisions.
We can feel such shame. But for what? What good does it bring us?
If you come from the place of “there’s something wrong with me,” know that it’s a sign you took a wrong turn—you turned to shaming and blaming yourself.
Realize that there is nothing wrong with you. We all feel like there is once in a while.
Befriend yourself with the thought that we are all perfect just as we are, with our imperfections. Some imperfections we accept, and some we use as opportunities to grow. My nose or wild mood swings, your smile or silly quirks, her lips, his chin, our fears, our dreams—it’s all as it should be. Unique and perfect in their imperfection.
2. Hear the words you say to yourself.
It amazes me how mean we can be to ourselves. The words we say in our minds can be the cruellest. Would you ever tell a friend (or anyone, actually) “OMG, look at you! You look horrible! You are hideous!”?
You wouldn’t, would you?
If your friend was feeling ugly that day, you would probably remind her how amazing she is, tell her that her beauty is way deeper than her skin, and that you adore exactly the parts of her that she didn’t like (just like my closest friend told me “I love your nose!” right after she saw my video). Because this is how you talk to your loved ones.
So, why don’t you try talking to yourself the same way—like you’d talk to a loved one?
Look in the mirror and say something like, “I am aware that you feel ugly/stupid/alone/(insert your own) today. So sorry to hear that. You remember that day when you were glowing, and felt so good, even your friends told you, ‘What’s up with you today, you are shining!’ That’s you as well. Know that you are beautiful inside and out, whether you feel it today or not. I love you nonetheless.”
Go on, give it a try.
Because how you feel comes from what you say to yourself.
Start practicing kind conversations with yourself. You are a kind person, I’m sure, so I bet there are a lot of loving things you could say to yourself.
3. Know that it’s okay to have good and bad days.
Some days, when you catch a reflection of yourself, your first thought is going to be “Oh, hello there good looking!!” And you’ll smile, maybe even wink.
But on some days, you will wake up in the morning, look at your reflection, and say “Awful!”
Both of these days are perfectly okay.
We can’t be 100% self-loving and self-accepting every day of the year and every minute of our day. That’s life.
Loving yourself is a continuous practice. It’s a way of living. It’s something that you cultivate every day. On days when you don’t like yourself, know that it’s just that—a moment when you don’t feel so good. It’s not the first time and it certainly won’t be the last time.
Instead of adding insults and making yourself feel even worse about it, acknowledge it and remind yourself that it will pass. Perhaps blow your reflection a kiss. A kiss always feels nice.
Trust that it will pass. Because now you’re practicing kindness and self-love (loving all parts of you). You’re working on it. You got this.
4. Decide that it’s a matter of a choice.
When we reject a part of ourselves, we deepen that sense of unworthiness. Every time you do this, you cut the wound deeper and fall further into a hole of self-loathing.
I wasn’t going to let myself fall deeper down that hole.
I looked at my imperfect self in the mirror and said, “Today I hated a part of me and it was my nose. Now, I choose to own, love, and accept that part of me. Today, I love and accept myself just as I am.”
In that moment I felt immensely self-loving. I felt free from judgments and self-criticism.
Some days I don’t feel that way. I say these words and I don’t feel that instant rush of love. It might happen to you as well. And that’s okay.
On days like those, you can say: “Now, I am willing to try to accept and love that part, too. I am willing to try to accept and love myself just as I am.”
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I hope my story and this post will inspire you to start looking at the parts of yourself you don’t like in a different light—not to push and hide them away, or be ashamed of them, but to completely love and accept them. For I am most sure they are the parts that make you lovable exactly as you are.
Which parts are you willing to own, love, and accept today?
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How to Set New Year’s Goals You’ll Actually Enjoy Pursuing
“Intentions and goals are tools for liberation. But when we use goal-chasing like a hammer, it can beat up on our self-esteem, relationships, and creativity.” ~ Danielle Laporte
Every year, we set out to reach new goals and change our lives. This may mean finally meeting that girlfriend or boyfriend, achieving the dream body, or increasing our salary. Or maybe it’s all three, and a bit more. Whatever combination of goals we have, they help us see how we want to live out our year.
But we can get obsessed with reaching them, so much so that we start to lament that we aren’t already where we want to be. Goals may inspire us, but they can just as easily drain us.
Over time, I’ve come to realize that this isn’t because goals are wrong. It’s because, for many of us, our approach to them is completely misaligned.
My Story with Conventional Goals
For four years, I struggled using standard goal setting ideas that got me nowhere. I experienced psychological pressure and pain from always feeling like I would never be enough, until I reached some magically self-created utopia through achieving my goals.
I never ended up accomplishing most of them.
I remember desperately working to be fit for a fitness test; training so hard that I ended up giving myself a chronic heel injury that I still have to this day. In reaching for my goals like they’d somehow make me complete, I pushed myself past my limit. With every goal I had, this theme would repeat itself. I went after each goal like it’d make me or break me.
Maybe growing up in a home with domestic violence, year after year, made me go after my goals with the idea that achieving them would heal me. Maybe feeling out of place every time I visited my divorced father’s home left its mark on me.
Perhaps it was these early experiences that unwittingly forced me to pursue goals in my adult years with the sentiment that they’d make me “complete.” That I’d finally be okay after I reached X, Y, or Z.
But eventually, after nearly half a decade, I realized that goals aren’t about belonging, or reaching a safe place. They’re not there so that I can prove myself to anyone, even myself. They’re just there to help me move forward, to grow, and become a better person, however simplistic that may sound.
It’s through my failures, pains, and wins, and countless hours of study on this topic, that I’ve learned various remarkable secrets to achieving your New Year’s Goals.
Compass Goals Changed Everything For Me
Over the course of 2016, I managed to achieve several different goals. They include reading over seventy books, improving my income, traveling to various countries, and reaching something that’s a lot closer to my dream body.
But more importantly, I achieved my goals in a far more grounded way. Compared to previous years, I felt more excited throughout my journey. I didn’t feel like I was grasping and yearning helplessly, with flailing arms, for my goals. The beautiful side effect of that was that I was less wrapped up in my own bubble, which meant I was finally able to forgive someone who hurt me deeply.
I share all of this to show you that positive internal change is more than possible, even with the deepest experiences of disappointment—year after year. No matter how many times you’ve felt like a failure before. No matter how many times you haven’t stuck to your goals.
With a more optimal approach, you can move happily toward your goals with an acceptance of the present—and the recognition that you don’t need to prove who you are to yourself. That will extend itself beautifully to the benefit of those around you.
Compass Goals vs. Traditional Goals
A goal becomes a compass goal when it improves your present in a meaningful, exciting way. It’s there to teach you something about yourself and the world, but you’re not too attached to the outcome you’re going after.
With a series of compass goals, life becomes a mixture of interconnecting wormholes that move you toward greater growth and fulfilment.
Pursuing goals is a lot like riding a bicycle toward different destinations. You need to know when to speed up, based on the terrain that’s in front of you. You need to know when to slow down, based on the obstacles you eventually come to face. And you have to make those decisions while remembering that you want to get to those various places on time—while maintaining your sanity throughout the journey.
Even more importantly, you need to know if a goal or destination is even worth going for in the first place. You can’t take a trip to a planned destination lightly, and some goals will take longer to reach. The exploration we’re about to delve into will show you exactly how to decide which of your goals are worth going for, and how to go about pursuing them.
But first, let’s make something clear.
Your Life Will Always Be About the Climb
There’s this idea in our culture that suggests that we’ll magically “make it” once we achieve a certain milestone. It could be anything from releasing a viral video, winning American Idol, or joining an NBA Team.
Through the slipstream of celebrity culture, with rap songs with lyrics “mummy, I made it,” we’ve been subtly co-opted into this idea that our very sense of self-worth, and who we are, is dependent on reaching some magical dreamland.
But this is merely an illusion. One that, I regret to say, I succumbed to for over four years. But while reaching a goal can radically improve the quality of your life, it’s not the end-all and be-all.
Let me use four big goals to show you why you will never “make it” and why you should be thankful:
- After reading x amount of books in a year, it will be your job to internalize the lessons from what you read so that they lead to an improvement in your character.
- You’ve gained ten pounds of muscle and feel great. Now you need to make sure you maintain your muscle mass, which means you’ll have to continue training at the gym, in some form, for the rest of your life.
- Now that you’ve doubled your income, you’ll have to keep working at the same level to maintain your salary.
- Meeting the love of your life has countless benefits. But now you’ll have to put in time and effort to help make that relationship thrive.
Every goal achieved brings with it a new set of responsibilities. Life keeps moving forward, regardless of which destination you reach. Once you understand this, you can take goals off the pedestal, so to speak, so that you get after them with greater confidence.
Qualify your Goal to see if it’s a Compass Goal
While the destination does matter, compass goals, by their very nature, value the journey just as much. So, whenever you set yourself a goal, imagine you’re about to jump on a bike to set off to a new destination and ask yourself these four questions, before kicking your foot on the pedal:
The Compass Goals Checklist:
1. Is this goal something I can see myself pursuing with excitement, despite its difficulty? Does it give me rewards along the way?
2. Can I write a set of daily or weekly actions that I’ll stick to consistently, adjusting them when necessary until I reach my goal?
3. Do I have a way of measuring my progress? (Compass—more on this later)
4. Will I be okay with not getting the outcome I want because I recognize how much value this journey will provide me with regardless?
The last question (being okay with not reaching the result) helps you relieve an enormous amount of pressure. If you’re okay with not getting the result you want in advance, you don’t live in a make-it-or-break-it paradigm. Instead, you live in a playground that leaves you free to achieve something if you’re willing to do what it takes.
It’s okay to have burning desires, but they only help us if they’re tempered in the right way. Paradoxically, it’s only by letting go of the outcomes we seek (while working toward them) that we’re freer and likelier to achieve them.
If you answered yes to all these four questions, then you have successfully created a compass goal.
Looking back, it’s easy for me to see why I didn’t achieve a lot of the goals I went after. I would have relieved myself of continual heartache had I asked myself these four questions before setting my goals.
How Many Compass Goals Should You Have?
You’ll want to pick between no more than three to ten compass goals per year, across the different areas of your life. The tricky part is making sure they’re all aligned with each other. So, as an exaggerated example, you can’t travel across the world for six months and aim to double your income the same year.
Common Goal Categories
- Wealth
- Health
- Love
- Knowledge
- Travel
- Community
Compass goals don’t work nearly as effectively unless you write them down with a planned completion date and assign a category to them. You also want to make sure you can see them every day so that you’re continually excited about them.
Develop a Map for Each Compass Goal
Writing the goals you want to go for and qualifying them with the four-question checklist is one of the secrets to achieving your New Year’s goals. But for every destination, you need a map.
Let’s explore three examples to demonstrate how to build a map for each of your goals.
If it’s your compass goal to burn five pounds of fat, then your map could look something like:
- My Why: To feel light and athletic
- Action 1: I eat three cups of vegetables and drink at least eight glasses of water per day
- Action 2: I go to the gym three times per week and do one cardio session every Saturday
- Compass: I weigh myself every Monday to keep track of how much weight I’m losing
If it’s your compass goal to read fifty-two books by the end of the year, then your map might look something like:
- My Why: To become more knowledgeable on areas that will help those around me
- Action 1: I listen to an audiobook on one of my commutes to work every week
- Action 2: I carve out thirty minutes each day in the evening to read
- Compass: I use Goodreads.com weekly to keep track of the books I am reading
If it’s your compass goal to increase your salary by $500, then your map might look something like:
- My Why: To help improve my sense of freedom
- Action 1: I try to sell three things in my home each month
- Action 2: I spend one hour a week looking for freelance roles
- Compass: I write down how much I’ve earned every two weeks to see how much more money I’m making
There might end up being more to it than that. For the weight loss goal, for instance, you might try to sleep more. For the reading challenge, you might make a list of books you want to read. For the income goal, you might end up negotiating your salary.
Yet all you need to do is define your compass for each goal (your measuring tool) and write two of the most important actions you’ll be consistently taking, along with your why (your intrinsic motivation)—the rest will happen naturally.
The four-step plan (map) you outline at the beginning of the year for each of your compass goals is the plan that will get you started. But the closer you get to achieving a goal, the likelier you’ll have to adjust your actions to make continual progress.
Obstacles may inevitably intervene. You may feel like you’re running out of steam. You might have to take a detour. But by continually using your compasses, you’ll remain ready to make the appropriate adjustments to steer you back in the right direction.
Why You Need a Compass for Each of Your Goals
A compass lets you see how close you are to your destination so that you can make adjustments that will take you to your goal faster. Without one, you won’t arrive where you want nearly as quickly, and you might even get lost along the way.
Using a compass regularly reminds you to stay motivated and on track throughout the year. It encourages you think of creative ideas on how to reach your goals more effectively.
With the common SMART goals approach, you’re told to set a deadline for each goal so that you’re stretched. But developing a map and compass for each of your goals is more important than having a planned completion date.
Alas, use deadlines, but use them to fuel your goals rather than constrain you. Also, make sure you don’t give yourself too much time to achieve a goal in a year. The journey, similarly to riding a bike, is a lot more fun where you go faster—and that’s why deadlines are useful.
To Summarize the Main Takeaways…
1. Understand the value of your goals; while the achievement counts for something, who you become along the way is more important. Don’t let your goals run you, run your goals.
2. Realize there is no end-point; achieving goals doesn’t mean “you’ve made it.” You’ll always be striving for growth in different areas of your life.
3. Every goal achieved brings with it a set of new responsibilities, so be willing to take those responsibilities in advance. Don’t choose a goal lightly.
4. Qualify your goals with the four questions to determine if you have a traditional goal or a compass goal. A traditional goal will prod at your self-esteem and make you feel unfulfilled along the way. A compass goal is lighter and makes you enjoy the journey.
5. Pick between three and ten compass goals for each year and categorize them—e.g.: health, wealth, love—so that you can see where they influence your life. Read them daily so that they’re always there to energize you.
6. Develop a map for each of your goals by deciding on your why, two consistent actions, and your compass. Adjust your actions at the appropriate time if you stop seeing progress through your compass.
7. Use your compasses for your goals either weekly, or biweekly to continually assess how close you are to reaching them.
My Last Words
Many of us make goals more important than sharing love with those around us, living by our values, and appreciating what we have. Over the last half a decade, I’ve come to learn that goals are only worth having if they can enrich our lives right now. Because how we consistently experience the present will always determine the beauty of what we reap.
I hope this piece helps you go after your goals this year with a renewed sense of vitality and excitement.
The philosophies in this article were shaped by my life but also by some great authors. I’d like to especially thank: Scott Adams, James Clear, and Danielle Laporte for the way they’ve influenced my thinking.
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A Little Appreciation Can Go a Long Way in Your Relationships
“There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world than bread.” ~Mother Teresa
I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over four years. We’ve had our fair share of great times and not so pretty moments, but this summer our relationship was put to the test.
During that time, I went through some major transitions with my career and personal development, all things that needed to happen for me to be the best version of myself.
Those months were filled with long hours of working and being alone, solely focusing on creating the future I wanted. I was in deep, chasing my dreams, and wouldn’t let anything get in my way.
As time went on, I noticed that my partner was slowly slipping away.
It wasn’t that he wasn’t coming home or was nowhere to be found. He was responding to the fact that I had lost focus on him.
I was failing my partner in the following ways:
- I didn’t say thank you for all the little things he did for me.
- I didn’t ask him how his day was. Instead, I was eager to share how my day went.
- When I faced an obstacle with my goals, I would be rude and short with him.
- Instead of greeting him with a smile when he arrived home, I treated him as if he was a burden getting in the way of the work I needed to do.
- Rather than planning and spending time with him, I would work late into the evening.
- Lastly, I wasn’t present with him. When I did spend time with him, all I did was think about work.
My actions and behaviors were so self-centered that I stopping thinking about how he was doing, how his day went, and what he needed support with.
The end result: he withdrew.
At first I thought he was no longer interested in me, but I eventually came to realize that I wasn’t even close to meeting his needs. And what he needed was simple: appreciation.
He had hinted at it several times in his own way, but I’d had blinders on.
After months of neglect, my boyfriend and I sat at our kitchen table making small talk and slowly tiptoeing into the conversation of what was and wasn’t working in our relationship.
He said, “All I ever want is for you to appreciate me. I don’t need you to cook for me or get all dressed up or buy me things. All I want is to be appreciated.”
His honest and vulnerable declaration brought me to tears. I realized then that I had been causing my partner significant pain and suffering for no reason.
So, with my heart on the table, my eyes swollen from crying, and a common ground of love to move forward on, I told him this: “From now on, I will appreciate you—the big, the small, the silly, and imperfect. I will appreciate it all. I may not be perfect in my practice of appreciation, but I am committed to it, so much so that I have added it to my morning routine.”
Much like the gratitude journal I write in every morning, I now have a journal dedicated solely to all the things I value about my partner.
Every morning I set aside time to think of three things I appreciate about him. I do this even when I’m not feeling up for it. I take my time and feel every emotion that comes up as I write down my list of three items.
I also make an effort so show my appreciation in action. My partner’s love language is “acts of service,” meaning actions speak louder than words. He feels loved when I do things for him coupled with expressing my feelings for him, so I now strive to show him that I love him with acts that require planning and thoughtfulness.
The Value of Appreciation
I never thought that simply reminding myself how much I appreciate my partner would cause a ripple effect in how I interact with him, but it has.
Since starting my appreciation practice…
I easily forgive his mistakes, such as forgetting to do something I ask him to do to support me, or not being sensitive enough and open to my feelings when I feel overwhelmed. I’ve grown to love his mistakes because they remind me of what it is to be imperfect. After all, I’m not perfect, and I can’t expect him to be either.
I appreciate his faults and quirks. Like hitting the snooze button when he needs to get out of bed. And forgetting to eat throughout the day because he’s too busy teaching college students. And running behind schedule most of the time. We all have faults. His reminds me all over again why I fell in love with him. In all reality, we complement each other nicely.
I appreciate his smile and his one of a kind laugh.
In recognizing all that my partner does for me and my future, I feel a love so powerful that just thinking about it brings me to tears.
My partner feels appreciated and cared for. He is more eager to engage with me, and more willing to be open and expressive with me. And he talks about the future more than ever.
What Happens When You Don’t Appreciate the People in Your Life
When you don’t appreciate others, your relationships suffer in the following ways.
- The other person feels unimportant and may withdraw from you.
- When your partner feels unappreciated, any talks of the future will be met with resistance. Would you want to build a future with someone who doesn’t appreciate you?
- Animosity may build up in the relationship, on both sides.
- The person feeling unappreciated may find other places, things, or people to seek appreciation from.
- Being unappreciated can lead to unnecessary arguments and resentment.
- Lack of appreciation may completely ruin and end the relationship.
How to Start Appreciating the People in Your Life
If you’ve recognized that you could make a little more effort appreciating the people in your life, dedicate a notebook solely for this purpose. Start your day by jotting down three things you value about this person. At the end of thirty days, give them your notes of appreciation. Rinse and repeat.
But appreciation doesn’t just live within the mind. Sure, it’s wonderful to think about all the things you value about someone, but when you don’t vocalize or show your appreciation, it means nothing.
You can start appreciating others in your life by:
- Leaving them notes thanking them for who they are and what you appreciate about them.
- Saying thank you and acknowledging the little things they do every day.
- Giving specific examples of what they have done and how that has enhanced your own life.
- Appreciating their flaws and quirks. The little imperfections are what make people unique. They may feel insecure about them. Let them know how you appreciate their imperfections, and why.
- Giving someone a hug when they help you out or put a smile on your face.
- Doing something unexpected; brighten their day by buying them a cup of coffee, or stopping by to let them know that you love them and appreciate them for being in your life.
Like Tony Robbins said, “Trade your expectations for appreciation and your whole world changes in an instant.”
Appreciation strengthens the bonds you have with others, no matter the relationship. It replaces a mindset of not having enough with being grateful for everything you have. And most of all, it creates space to be thankful for the little things in life.
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3 Free, Life-Changing Events to Check Out in January
As the New Year approaches, many of us are making lists of ways we can improve our lives and better ourselves.
If you’re looking to transform your body, calm your mind, or push yourself outside your comfort zone, you may benefit from participating in one of these three free events from Tiny Buddha friends and contributors.
Transform Your Body
On Tuesday, January 10th, at 7:00pm EST, Tiny Buddha contributor Rena Greenberg is running a free webinar, entitled The Fastest and Easiest Way to Remove Subconscious Obstacles to Weight Loss and Feel Great Fast in 2017.
In this webinar you’ll learn:
- How to stop the endless cycle of dieting by tapping into the wisdom in your subconscious
- How to lose weight without feeling deprived, by changing the way you subconsciously think about food
- Quick and easy ways to change your behavior and eliminate overeating, binging, snacking, and emotional eating
- How you can lose weight and get healthy with powerful self-hypnosis technology
About Rena Greenberg:
Since 1990 Hay House author Rena Greenberg has helped over 200,000 people, all over the world, lose weight and achieve optimal health. Her groundbreaking wellness seminar for weight control has been reviewed and sponsored in over 75 hospitals and in 100+ major corporations such as Walt Disney World and Home Depot.
Her clients often say they “owe their lives to her,” because she finds the fastest and easiest ways to help people release subconscious blocks to losing weight and find lasting health, happiness, and freedom.
Sign up for Rena’s free weight loss webinar here.
Calm Your Mind
No practice can improve your state of mind more effectively than meditation. It can reduce stress and anxiety, enhance your focus, increase your resilience, and even improve your physical health.
From January 2nd through January 4th the non-profit Heartfulness is offering three free online video masterclasses in meditation, conducted by the teacher of Heartfulness, Kamlesh D. Patel.
The masterclasses will be available online, starting at midnight, and will be accessible throughout the day. Each class runs about one hour.
About the Masterclasses:
January 2nd: Relax
In the first class, learn Heartfulness relaxation for physical well-being, as well as the Heartfulness guided meditation on the source of light within your own heart
January 3rd: Rejuvenate
In the second class, be guided through a simple rejuvenative technique to unwind the mind at the end of the day, let go of stresses and emotions, and simplify your life.
January 4th: Connect
In the third class, learn to connect with your inner self by listening to the heart’s voice. Observe your deepest feelings, make wise choices and weave your destiny.
Sign up for the Heartfulness free meditation masterclasses here.
Push Yourself Outside Your Comfort Zone
Do you wish you could do more with your life, but hold yourself back because you’re afraid of rejection?
Whether you’re seeking new friends, a new job, or any other new possibility, you’d likely benefit from getting comfortable hearing with word “no.” Every “no” is one step closer to a “yes.”
Tiny Buddha contributor Jacob Sokol’s free comfort zone challenge can help.
About the Challenge:
If you’re up for playing, the game will help you…
- Expand your assumptions about what you think is possible in your life
- Develop the skill of asking for what you really want
- Overcome your fears of rejection and develop more courage
The goal of the game is simple: collect NOs by asking for things you’d like.
As a side effect of playing, you’ll stop taking things so personally and start to rewire your nervous system to feel rejection-proof.
Once you get told no, you’ll want to come share about it in Jacob’s super engaged free FB group. The group shower you with celebration and share their own stories of getting NOs.
The challenge will begin on Jan 1st, 2017 and will run until the end of January. It’s completely free, and you can join at any time.
Join the free comfort zone challenge here.
I hope you enjoy these wonderful events!
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Seeking Outside Approval Is Giving Our Power Away
“When you do not seek or need approval, you are at your most powerful.” ~Caroline Myss
Back in the winter of 2012, I was devastated by a sudden near-deaf experience (90% hearing loss), which led me to a dead end in my IT career.
“You’ve been overworked. Rest is the only way to recuperate,” said every single doctor.
Leaving my corporate sales job left me feeling like a total failure.
I felt lost, confused, and frustrated as darkness swallowed my self-esteem.
“Why did you have to work so hard and not get the credit you deserved?!”
“Is deafness all you got in return for striving toward excellence all these years?!”
“You are worthless!”
As an overachiever and a perfectionist, I felt overwhelmed by a shame storm.
I was caught up in bitterness and a sense of injustice until one day I realized that I was battling with myself, and the self-loathing quotient went off the chart.
“What do you want, Universe? Don’t you see that I’m suffering?” I ranted out loud like a mad victim.
Even though spirituality wasn’t my thing at that point in time, I literally “heard” a clear voice: “Own it. Take stock of your life now, Jen.” This triggered me to start asking why in heaven I had gotten myself into this mud hole.
Connecting with My Younger Self
With my eyes closed I saw a seven-year-old girl, the little me. She was taught to be very self-disciplined academically, as she was told to excel and work hard.
Her sole goal was for her parents to put her on a pedestal for being good and intelligent.
Since she came from a family where praise was like a foreign language, validating children for trying hard hadn’t been the parenting style in the house. Instead, there was often an attitude that the children could do better—they could work harder to achieve more.
Hearing her parents give random compliments to other kids at the same age irritated her. She could only draw this conclusion: “Doing my best is not good enough, so I need to try even harder, or else I won’t be worthy of love and attention.”
From then on, she constantly craved compliments and approval.
“Jen, great job, keep up the good work!” Those simple comments were like water to her thirsty soul.
Years later, she became masterful at overachieving, perfecting, and competing, which helped her gain “confidence” through compliments from other people.
If she ever heard a negative comment, it could ruin her whole day. She’d go home discouraged and mentally lash herself for not doing well enough.
She didn’t know what to say without first checking other people’s facial expressions. She lived on their compliments as the life stream of her self-worth. Until one day, she realized she’d lost it all. Her physical and emotional wellbeing had gone bankrupt, but worse her authenticity had gone down the drain.
Even now, I can still feel her pain, the insecurity, the fear of rejection, and the strong need to be loved wrapped underneath a people-pleasing mask.
Path of Returning to the Truth
Deep down in my core, I knew that my mother and father, just like many other typical Asian parents, wanted their children to have better lives, and they believed that would come from in excelling in school so they could get better jobs, make more money, and be prosperous.
I still thought that they should’ve done better, because they weren’t mindful enough to give me the emotional support I needed in my childhood. I got stirred up about it, and I even wanted to confront my parents with a letter to tell them what I thought after all those years.
Just before I was about to take action, I heard something from inside saying, “They did you wrong, didn’t they? They didn’t give you what you needed, did they?”
“They sure did!” I replied.
Then the voice asked, “How do you think you would’ve done if you would’ve been in their shoes, with three kids to raise, with a business to run, with aging parents to take care of, and with a load of family chaos to be sorted out?”
This conversation changed my perspective. I realized that my parents had done the best they could with what they had. They couldn’t give me what they didn’t even have themselves. I began to feel ashamed of my immaturity and selfishness.
This time, the shame level was way stronger than it was when I left my corporate job involuntarily and felt worthless.
Blaming is like putting a Band-Aid on a bullet wound; it never works. I realized that I was the one not letting anybody off the hook while busy swimming in the pool of victimhood.
Lessons Learned
Regaining my hearing after two months was a divine miracle, but I’m grateful that the silence taught me the following lessons about understanding others and releasing the need for approval.
1. Stop seeking validation from others.
It’s great when people believe in us, cheer us on, and make us feel valuable. We love when our partners compliment us or a friend is there to give encouragement.
But you cannot become so dependent on people that you derive your worth and value from how they treat you. It’s easy to become addicted to compliments, addicted to encouragement, addicted to them cheering you on.
But if other people change their minds and stop giving you the compliments you crave, then you’ll feel devalued. If they don’t meet all your expectations, you’ll get discouraged and feel inferior. You’ll start working overtime, people-pleasing to win their approval.
At some point, like a mother weans a baby off a bottle, you have to break your need for external validation.
You no longer need people complimenting you to keep you encouraged. Praise is nice to hear, but you can develop self-sufficiency.
2. Have compassion for others.
The truth is, our friends and family members have their own problems. They are not responsible for keeping us happy and making us feel good about ourselves. Don’t put that extra pressure on them. It’s unfair to the people who are in our lives.
Moreover, sometimes when people don’t give us what we need, it’s because they don’t have it, because nobody gave it to them. If they weren’t raised showing affection to people, and we keep trying to get it from them, we’ll likely end up frustrated.
Maybe they did the best they could. They may have made a decision that we don’t understand, and we may feel like it has put us at a disadvantage, but at least we didn’t have to walk in their shoes.
3. Start approving of yourself.
What people do, or don’t do, doesn’t determine our worth. Our value doesn’t come from another person; it comes from ourselves.
People may not encourage us, but we can encourage ourselves. People may not make us feel special, but we can make ourselves feel special. We’ll have better relationships if we start validating ourselves instead of becoming needy and waiting for other people to give us our approval fix.
Learn how to compliment and validate yourself. Practice affirming: I am strong. I am healthy. I am highly favored. I am beautiful. I am lucky. (Be creative!)
4. Don’t give your power away.
When a person walks away, wrongs us, or even makes hurtful comments, we need to learn to shake off that disrespect.
Don’t believe the lies that we are not talented enough, attractive enough, or good enough. They don’t determine our value. They can’t lessen our self-worth. The only power people have over us is the power we give to them.
We don’t have to play up to people to try to win their favor. If they don’t want to be in our lives, it’s actually their loss, not ours.
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If you learn this principle of not relying on people for your worth and start generating your own approval and acknowledgment, you won’t feel crushed when somebody doesn’t give you what you expect.
The less we depend on people for validation, the stronger we’ll become and the higher we will go.
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Why Striving For Perfection Is Actually Holding You Back
“The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” ~Anna Quindlen
I used to strive for perfection in every aspect of my life. I thought perfection would make me “acceptable” to others.
Deep down, I felt inadequate, insecure, and not enough. And subconsciously, I decided that if I could just achieve perfection with myself, my body, and my life, than I would finally feel the deep love and inner acceptance I longed for inside of myself.
As a kid, I demanded a perfect report card: only straight A’s would suffice. I spent hours upon hours studying in high school and college, doing extra credit, attending office hours any chance I could get, all in a desperate attempt to maintain a 4.0 GPA.
As a young adult, I agonized over what career path to pick, wanting to pick the perfect job that would be my dream career. I was desperate to be the best, wanting to be the perfect employee, and giving nothing less than 150% in every project I worked on and presentation I did.
I was terrified to make a mistake and required excellence in every task. I was afraid of others judging me. I didn’t see it my mistakes as learning experiences; I saw them as a way of others seeing what I didn’t want them to see: that I was flawed, imperfect, and somehow not enough.
I demanded perfection in every part of my life. But the area I struggled the most with was the desire for body perfection.
As a teenager, I decided that 110 pounds was the “perfect” body. I spent years trying to whittle my body down with exercise, diets, and restriction in an attempt to get the figure I deemed flawless.
The pressure I put on myself to be a size 2, to eat only 1200 calories a day, to spend at least 45 minutes at the gym daily was agonizing. I lived and breathed this obsession of needing and wanting to be perfect.
Looking back, I can see how detrimental this drive was to living and enjoying my life. In my chase for perfection, I put unnecessary pressure on myself to be something I was not. I wasted hours and hours trying to be someone different and wishing I was somewhere other than where I currently was.
But the biggest lesson of all was that in my quest for perfection, I wasn’t really living.
The reality is that striving for perfection holds us back. We spend so much time doing, striving, achieving, in an endless quest to get it all “perfect,” and we end up missing out on what life is really about: being in each moment and experiencing life where we are, as we are.
I vividly remember New Year’s Eve in 2007. One of the dear friends I had met living abroad in Thailand was in town and wanted to see me. She wanted to do dinner with a group of people, then head out dancing for the ball drop.
I agonized over this decision to go or not. I remember wanting to meet up with her, but feeling so awful about my body not being “perfect” that I didn’t want to go out and have to “hide” my body in baggy clothes.
It pains me to say that I didn’t go. I gave up a chance to catch up with this dear friend, to have fun with others, and to dance the night away because I was unhappy with my body. I stayed home that night and ran on the treadmill in my parents’ basement.
It was the ultimate low in my quest for body perfection: I decided that I needed to burn off what I had eaten that day and work to “fix” myself into a smaller size.
The anxiety I felt about eating more calories at a restaurant, when I already felt “fat” in my body, pushed me to stay home and run on the treadmill. It was a moment of life that I missed out on because I was desperately pursing a perfect body.
When we’re caught up in the pursuit of achieving the perfect body, finding the perfect mate, landing the perfect job, or being the perfect person, it actually hinders us from seeing how beautifully our journey is unfolding right before our eyes.
Perfection detracts you from the incredible life path you’re on and prevents you from seeing the gifts that are always in front of us. So the next time you get caught up in the endless pursuit of perfection, here are three things to remember:
1. Perfection isn’t attainable.
We try so hard to achieve an ideal in our lives that is next to impossible. There really is no perfect body, perfect job, or perfect life. It isn’t possible to have our lives be happy, joyous, and 100% problem free. Unexpected tragedies happen. Something doesn’t turn out as you hoped it would. Someone you love disappoints you.
When you understand that perfection isn’t actually something you can achieve and maintain forever, you can let go of the never-ending quest for your job, your body, your parenting skills, or your relationship to be perfect.
Letting go of this unattainable goal is a huge sigh of relief. We don’t have to try to be perfect, because it’s impossible anyway! Once we relax into the idea of letting go of perfection, life becomes easier, less stressful, and a lot more fun.
Perfection leaves little room for error and joy, and while life can sometimes be messy, it’s during these times where we learn and grow (and have some adventure along the way).
2. Perfection isn’t authentic.
When you’re always striving to be perfect, you miss out on showing the world who you truly are. Years ago, when I was in the throes of dieting and restriction, trying to be “perfect” in my eating and my body, I wasn’t being true to myself. I was hiding from the world, desperately trying to conceal what I thought were imperfections.
In the drive to be perfect, I never allowed myself to be vulnerable—to show up and let myself be seen. I thought when I’d reached perfection, I’d find approval and acceptance. But since the pursuit of perfection is an endless chase, the approval and acceptance never came.
It was only when I had the courage to drop my unattainable goals and bring my true self to the world, imperfections and all, when I began to find the inner acceptance I had wanted all along.
It was scary to show up as who I was without wearing a mask or pretending to be someone I was not. But I began making decisions for and from me.
I quit my job and traveled for a year without an agenda (giving up a well-paying, secure job in the process). I ended a relationship that was no longer serving me (letting go of a man who was also my best friend). I took Spanish classes, wore a bikini to the beach without a cover up, told friends I wasn’t into partying anymore, and began to speak up for what I wanted and what I thought.
It wasn’t easy or comfortable, but it was incredibly freeing. I felt vulnerable and naked, but as I began to express my honest opinion to others, voice what I needed or wanted, follow my own preferences instead of what was expected of me, and show more of who I was to the world without hiding, it got easier and easier.
Your imperfect self is enough. Allow yourself to show up in the world as you are. When we’ve demanded perfection from ourselves for years, it can be scary to let go of our ideal and let the world see us as we are. But this is where your true, authentic beauty resides. Not in perfection, but in bringing all of who you are to the world.
3. Perfection is stagnation.
No one is meant to be perfect in any area of life, whether it’s your body, relationships, personal growth, habits, or your career, because in a “perfect” world, everything is stagnant. There is no growth and no evolution. It is only through mistakes, missteps, and experimentation that we learn and grow.
Looking back on my life, most of my decisions that seemed irrational or didn’t make sense in the traditional way ended up leading me to a path that was a perfect fit for what I needed and wanted. Life is funny that way.
I quit a stable job, but had incredible adventures traveling South America for a year. I left my hometown to move cross county without a plan, but ended up starting a business that is my true passion. I mistakenly got thrown into a role that I didn’t want at a job, but learned so much about fundraising and development that I ended up enjoying it.
These “mistakes” allowed me to see how perfection would have actually held me back. If I had followed the “perfect” path, the path without risk, without chance of failure, and the path that felt safe and easy, I never would have had these life-changing personal growth experiences.
Many people who are striving for perfection in their life path, wanting to plan it all out and have it go exactly how they think it should, end up missing out on some of life’s best surprises and most meaningful moments.
It is a refreshing way to view life. To allow ourselves to make mistakes is a relief, whether it’s messing up our food plan, getting into a fight with a family member, expressing emotions to a close friend and having it come out all wrong, or experimenting with a new hobby knowing you’ll likely mess up trying to master it. It’s these “mistakes” that allow us to incorporate feedback and chart a new course.
If we’re constantly striving for perfection, we end up missing out on the lessons we most need to learn. In the pursuit of being flawless, our eyes are always looking three steps ahead of where we are. And as we’re consistently living a few steps ahead, we end up missing out on life’s most precious moment: now.
Perfection isn’t something you can achieve because it doesn’t actually exist. So the next time you find yourself striving to be a more perfect version of yourself, remember that the imperfect, flawed, vulnerable you is perfectly enough.
