Tag: wisdom
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My Ordinary Checklist for a Highly Successful Life
“In this world, an ordinary life has become synonymous with a meaningless life.” ~Brené Brown
As I see it, there are two types of people out there.
There are those who read goal attainment books and feel inspired, and me.
The former will read the anecdotes about all those underdogs who beat the odds and managed to achieve wealth and prestige beyond their wildest dreams and will say to themselves, “Wow! That could be me!” They’ll feel enlightened, invigorated, and revved up to make a change.
And then there’s me.
While I may initially pick up such a book with genuine interest, my desire to whip my life into shape will invariably do an about-face, leaving me anything but inspired. If I say anything to myself as I read, it’s more likely to be a string of ego-deflating curses than a yearning-filled “one day that’ll be me.”
I actually discovered my aversion to success books by accident. Charged by work with the task of developing an online course on the topic of goal attainment, I began to do some research.
At first, it all seemed dandy. To-do lists? I can get behind those. Articulating a vision for the future? Check, check! But then, as I started to delve a bit more, I began to sink into a mire of confusion amid all the contradictory advice:
Make to-do lists and then prioritize them by urgency. No, not by urgency, by importance, because that’s the way to a meaningful life. Except that to-do lists are actually now passé, so chuck those altogether. It’s the “less is more” mindset that will breed success.
Just make sure you’re not spending too much time planning your tasks, because that takes you away from working on them. Although most failed projects could have been saved at the planning stages, so planning is crucial before embarking on any project. You would have known all of this had you properly color-coded your task list in the first place!
The more I delved, the more aware I became of an undercurrent of shame that was slowly simmering inside of me. It was the feeling that something was dreadfully wrong with me if I was not willing to do whatever it takes, like the underdogs in the books.
Didn’t I have any faith in the universal laws that turned out Oprahs and J.K. Rowlings and an endless stream of other success stories? Why, it might be as simple as manifesting my destiny with positive thinking, or mindfulness, or a cream cheese bagel for all I knew.
No dice. Guess I’m just not built for success.
And yet at some point, maybe just for fun, I began to consider an alternative: What if most of the people I know are more like me than them—you know, busy with life, proud of themselves when they hit “good enough,” happy to have work that is more or less satisfying, even if it’s not tremendously lucrative or glamorous?
What if others don’t view themselves as a rags-to-riches tale waiting to happen and instead walk around with their heads held high simply because they are proud of the ordinary lives they are living?
It felt subversive, empowering, and indeed nothing short of revolutionary.
Success doesn’t have to mean a coastal beach house or getting up to speak in front of a crowded audience where everyone knows just who you are, what you do, and how much you’re worth.
There is a quieter, softer form of success.
I began crafting my own definitions and principles of success. Things along the lines of:
* If you have one person in your life you genuinely care about and who genuinely cares about you, you’re successful.
* If you have one more positive thought today than you had yesterday, you’re successful.
* If you have just one thing to be proud of, or be grateful for, or to celebrate, even if it’s just the fact that you didn’t rip anyone’s head off even though you had a miserable day, you’re successful.
Don’t get me wrong; I’m all for setting and achieving goals. I’m also all for striving to become the next one-in-a-million success story, if that’s what floats your boat. But if it isn’t what floats your boat, that’s no indicator of your personal worth, or lack thereof.
It’s a sad sign of the times that success is measured in extraordinary terms only. It’s as if the benchmarks of ordinary, mundane success have now been rendered obsolete, or worse: something to feel ashamed of.
It takes heaping amounts of courage to step back from the grandiose expectations of what success books tell you life could be and say that what you already have is enough. Maybe even more than enough. But in truth it is.
So, if you, like me, are an “unsuccessful” type, the type that reads about the Oprahs of our world with little more by way of reaction than a “that’s nice,” remember that great potential for success lies in your own backyard.
Success is what you make of it—even if that means simple, boring, ordinary ole everyday life.
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Embracing Impermanence: Lessons from Living with a Chronic Illness
“Nothing is permanent in this world, not even our troubles.” ~Charlie Chaplin
At thirteen, I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome. At first, I patiently waited for my doctor to give me medicine. When he didn’t, I patiently waited (for several years) for someone to find the cure.
As the years went on I wasn’t getting any better. Though I went to more doctors than I could count, none had any new advice for me, and the medical community wasn’t any closer to figuring out how to heal this illness.
Life was unpredictable. I didn’t know what I’d be able to do each day, let alone in the future. Some days I could lead a relatively normal life, going to class and hanging out with friends—as long as we didn’t do anything too active. Some days I could barely get out of bed to go to the bathroom.
I had always been ambitious growing up. I loved playing sports, I wanted to be a writer, I wanted to travel the world. As I got into my early twenties, I started questioning if I’d be able to achieve any of these goals when my health was so unpredictable.
I had managed to finish high school and attend university. But attending classes and trying to write essays with brain fog was a challenge for which my grades would suffer. When I was twenty-one I had a big crash. I couldn’t attend any classes or do any work. I couldn’t do my laundry or cook dinner. All I could do was survive.
I hadn’t sought help from a doctor in many years; they had been so disappointing when I was younger. But now I knew I needed help. I found a holistic health center where I saw an occupational therapist, a nutritionist, a counselor, and a doctor. It’s also where I got my first taste of yoga and meditation.
Yoga and meditation helped me embrace the unpredictableness of my health.
Before beginning my yoga practice, I was searching for assurance. I wanted a doctor to know what to do. I wanted a medication that would make my symptoms go away. I wanted to know that I could get well and stay well. I wanted an assurance that didn’t exist in reality. Waiting for this assurance had held me back from seeking a partial recovery or recovery on my own.
As my yoga and meditation practice advanced I became better tuned to my body and learned what energized me and what made me feel worse. But the most important concept I learned from my studies was impermanence. Sure, my energetic days didn’t last as long as I hoped. But my fatigued days didn’t last as long as I had feared.
I began to ride this impermanence like the waves I ride when floating in the sea (which was all I could manage to do when I was very ill, despite swimming competitively when growing up).
When I first became ill, most of the advice I was given was to “try to push through.”
Doctors told me to “drink a coca cola at lunch” if I felt tired. They told me that I needed to do everything I could to finish my school assignments and get to classes so I didn’t get left behind. But all of this pushing was exhausting. Like trying to swim against the current, it didn’t serve me to try to do what my body would not allow at the times when I was feeling very ill.
As anyone with a chronic illness can tell you, good days come with fear. I used to try to do everything I possibly could on the days I was feeling well because I didn’t know when I’d get a chance to catch up on everything I needed to do (including laundry and school papers but also fun things like getting coffee with a friend).
Every time I got better, I waited to get worse again. Yet I came to realize that I didn’t apply this logic when I was feeling my worst. When I was feeling terrible I wasn’t waiting for it to get better; I was in bed feeling sorry for myself and fearing it would get worse.
When I began to see the fallacy in this way of thinking, things started changing for me. When I had a bad day, I allowed myself to rest without wallowing. It was frustrating if I had a looming deadline or social event I wanted to go to that I couldn’t meet. But setting those boundaries for myself was invaluable.
I didn’t need to ‘push through it’ because I’d get another chance. I could take that course again, or reschedule with my friend. This state of being bedridden was not forever. But it was a time for me to rest, to practice meditation or a gentle yoga session. A time for me to read books that brought me joy, a time to search inward for peace, acceptance, and joy.
Understanding that the only thing that’s permanent is change helped me to accept my illness. It helped me end fatalistic thoughts like “I’ll never be able to achieve my dreams,” which seemed reasonable at the time but weren’t helpful to my recovery, or to achieving those dreams.
Learning how to ride this impermanence has helped me achieve more than I thought was possible. I was able to graduate university, work full time, travel around the world, and even take part in triathlons!
When going through a hard time, it’s easy to feel defeated. It’s easy to feel like there’s no hope, and that our lives are irrevocably changed. But by embracing that change, by knowing that our lives will always change and that nothing will last forever, we can better overcome adversity.
If you’re going through a hard time right now, I encourage you to use this time to listen to your body and what it needs. As you start to do this, you’ll start to notice that things change from day to day. One day you might have a searing pain in your head. The next it may be a dull throb. The next, only a faint whisper of the pain before coming back to a searing pain again.
Instead of feeling downtrodden that pain has returned, embrace that it has changed. That this state of pain—whether it is emotional or physical—is not a permanent state.
Embracing impermanence has shifted every area of my life. I’m a freelance writer, which means I don’t have a set salary. Some months can go well and others…not so much. But I don’t get stuck in the bad months because I know it will change again. I still have bad health days, but I know the healthy energetic days far outweigh the bad, and I’m able to take the bad days as they come.
For those of us who are chronically ill, it’s easy to feel like healthy people feel great every day. They don’t. They have bad days as well. But dwelling on the number of bad days or bad feelings won’t make them go away any faster, just as trying to cram everything you can into a good day won’t make the good day last any longer.
As you become in tune with the rhythms of your body and better attuned to the way your body changes, you’ll learn how to better nourish yourself. Watch as you move between pain and no pain, fatigue and energy and enjoy the time of much-needed rest as much as those of activity.
If you’ve also struggled with a chronic illness, it might help to:
Keep a journal and record how you feel each day. Review this journal at the end of each week so you can see how much change you face even in just a week.
Start a daily mindfulness practice. This can be yoga and meditation, but it can also be another mindful activity such as walking or taking a hot bath. Anything that helps you tune into your body and mind and assess the rhythms of your thoughts, pain, and energy levels. This will help you keep an accurate journal, and see how things can change even from breath to breath.
Commit to eliminating fatalistic thinking—thoughts that contain information you could not possibly know. Thoughts like “I’ll always be in pain” or “I’ll never get better” when you have no idea what the future holds are examples of fatalistic thinking.
Write down those thoughts in a diary and then write the truth next to them. For example, “I’m in pain right now,” or “I don’t feel well today.” None of us can tell the future; don’t let your mind trick you into thinking that it can.
And lastly, take rest when you need rest, and find a moment of joy in every day.
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Why Creativity Is the Path to Mindfulness, Happiness, and Peace
“Mindful and creative, a child who has neither a past, nor examples to follow, nor value judgments, simply lives, speaks and plays in freedom.” ~Arnaud Desjardins
No human being lives without experiencing the duality of life.
Good and bad. Love and hate. Life and death. Acceptance and rejection. Success and failure. Joy and jealousy. Compassion and judgment.
So why do we spend so much time trying to pretend that it’s bad to experience all of it, the good, the bad, and the ugly?
Even our weather men and women tell us it’s a going to be a bad day because it’s raining or snowing. I mean, come on! The earth rejoices when it rains; snow is a natural part of our eco-system.
Why do we try so hard to suppress the difficult feelings and experiences in our lives? Because our brains are wired that way? Because we were traumatized? Because our parents, teachers, and God knows who else told us to?
Does it really matter, as we heal, who, where, and why?
I remember the first time I heard the quote “Thoughts are things.”
I knew instantly that if that was true, I was in trouble because I had a lot of thoughts I wasn’t proud of and never voiced out loud. I was taught at a very young age not to “rock the boat” or be “too dramatic” and the worst, “Your mom is unhappy because of you kids.” Yikes!
So, when things got bad at home or at school or at church, they got stuffed. In me. In my heart. In my gut and in my head.
On the outside I looked fine. Cute, bubbly, artistic, smart. But on the inside I was scared, confused, and anxious, and did not have a clue how to interact comfortably with people.
I tried really hard (unsuccessfully) to fit in.
Luckily, I had the outlet of art. I drew, I painted, I sewed, I made batiks—whatever I could get my hands on in the art department at the Catholic High school I went to, or whatever my mom would let me touch at home. She was an amazing seamstress, but, with eight kids, had neither the time nor patience to teach me. Luckily I’m old enough that we had “Home Ed” in high school, so I learned to sew well enough that my mom would let me use her sewing machine.
Being creative got me through high school and into college with no major consequences. I wasn’t insecure, lonely, or in need of an outlet. I didn’t drink too much, I wasn’t promiscuous, and I didn’t do drugs.
Fast forward a couple decades and I can tell you that eventually, I did experience the consequences of trying to drink my thoughts and feelings away.
I stayed pretty creative as long as I could, but, as life goes, I grew up, got married, had kids, and started to work.
The turning point was when I lost my family of origin after some dramatic, painful events that I’ve chosen not to discuss publicly. (I learned the hard way that going over and over painful past events is not helpful to my healing.)
I could not deal with what was going on inside of me.
I started to drink more and more to squash what I was feeling.
Within a few years, the addictive gene in me eventually cried out “GOT YA!” and I was lost.
And this is what led me to the finding peace through being creative again. My crisis. My breakdown.
An intervention with beautiful, sober women who didn’t know me but wanted to see me find myself again led me to being creative again.
These women had been learning how to draw and paint from a friend who eventually became my sponsor.
When I saw what these women had painted, with no artistic experience, it triggered something good inside me—the memory of being creative. (Yes, people, we can have good triggers!)
“Whatever this is, I’m in!” I said, and I was on my way home. Home to my true self.
They introduced me to an art form I had never heard of before, mandalas. I had no idea what a “mandala” was. Never heard of it and didn’t care. The mandala teacher had a studio full of every art supply you can imagine and space for many women to create. I was in heaven!
As I drew and painted my first mandala, my creative mind took over and the crazy thoughts in my head stopped.
I didn’t realize it then, but being creative again forced me to be what we all strive for when we think of being mindful: calm, serene, awake, and aware.
My goal was to have fun and be creative again, but what I got was far more than that.
I reactivated the divine creative energy we are all born with.
When I’m engaged in any creative activity, my “monkey mind” settles down. My inner critic has little to say. I’m not regretting the past or fearing the future. I’m in the here and now. I’m centered, relaxed, and rejuvenated.
I got really curious—what’s was going on?
Why had engaging in creative endeavors become so significant in my life? Why did it feel like that had been the single most important thing in my healing (after being sober, that is)?
The Interconnectedness of Creativity and Mindfulness
So began my research into creativity and mindfulness.
I discovered that Carl Jung used art therapy with his patients. He encouraged the spontaneous drawing of mandalas. He believed that by just letting his patients draw with no interference, they would heal things in their psyche without even knowing it.
“Most mandalas have an intuitive, irrational character and, through their symbolical content, exert a retroactive influence on the unconscious. They therefore possess a ‘magical’ significance, like icons, whose possible efficacy was never consciously felt by the patient.” ~Carl Yung
I stumbled upon a new book about the power of doodling called The Doodle Revolution, by Sunni Brown. In her book, Sunni cites a lot of very famous people who used doodling to help them think better and retain information. She challenges all the parents, teachers, and bosses who say, “Stop doodling! Get serious! Grow up!”
“There is NO SUCH THING as a mindless doodle,” according to Sunni.
CNN reports creative activities impact the body in a way similar to meditation. It’s like yoga for your brain.
This was also about the time that “adult coloring” became a billion-dollar industry. Why are millions of adults coloring, I wondered?
The more research I did, the more obvious it became.
Our society is craving sanity. Coloring reminds us all of the days of childhood when it was okay to pick up crayons and zone out for a bit. Having “adult” coloring books has given millions permission to stop, color, and find peace.
What I personally experienced while being creative was mindfulness; my brain was quiet yet active while painting, collaging, sewing, drawing, coloring, baking, and crafting.
Being creative somehow taught me the skill, if you will, of paying attention to me, of being mindful.
As it turns out, when you are being creative, you are using both your creative self and your analytical self, your left and right brain hemispheres at the same time. This not only quiets your mind, it engages it.
You are creating without angst. It kind of just happens.
My creative self was reawakened. I was allowing myself to be me, to feel me.
Having something creative “in the wings” became important, something to look forward to. Downtime became fun instead of something I dreaded.
This is not say that being mindful instantly became an easy process for all the other times when I was not doing something creative.
Having gone through some pretty traumatic years, it was “normal” for thoughts of dread, unworthiness, sadness, and shame to rumble through my mind, like the undercurrent of a river, when I was engaged in mundane activities.
Being alone cleaning, cooking, doing laundry, doing bills, and working was still wrought with angst and despair.
I began to yearn for that calm, serene mindfulness I felt while being creative at all times in my life. So I engaged in more creative activities and hung out with people who were on the same path of healing. I began to create a new “family” of people who supported and loved me.
I found and became active in a spiritual home. I started to naturally attract friends on the same path of becoming more creative, more mindful, more spiritual, more compassionate and successful in all areas of life.
I read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and learned how important it is to notice it all—the good, the bad, and the ugly.
“Wherever you are, be there totally. If you find your here and now intolerable and it makes you unhappy, you have three options: remove yourself from the situation, change it, or accept it totally. If you want to take responsibility for your life, you must choose one of those three options, and you must choose now. Then accept the consequences.” ~Eckhart Tolle
Wow, it’s okay to have “bad” thoughts. It’s actually normal. It’s hard. And I learned that it’s my responsibility alone how to handle it.
I’ve subscribed to helpful blogs like TinyBuddha.com and mindful.org.
I started doing Bikram (hot) yoga.
Ninety minutes in a hot room doing yoga brought up a lot of difficult memories. But I stayed with it. I stayed in the room even though I was terrible and even though I would sometimes cry during the thirty-second rest periods between poses as I processed memories of hating my body and feeling ashamed and remembered being teased for being fat.
I began meditating.
At first I could only meditate with music or a guided meditations for five to ten minutes. I meditated like this sporadically for years.
Just recently I started meditating in the morning and before bed at the suggestion of my life coach. She suggested two to five minutes, silently, in the lotus position. I said, “I can do at least ten I’m sure.” Much to my surprise, ten minutes was easy so I progressed to fifteen, then twenty, then thirty.
I am now meditating for thirty minutes, alone, no music, sitting in the lotus position (as best I can) twice a day. This I consider a miracle. Meditating like this has also allowed more memories to gently come up and dissipate. Wow.
Being mindful is not always an easy road, but it’s a much better path than trying to stuff painful memories, feelings, and thoughts down.
It’s much easier than trying to drink them away.
I know this to be true.
Being mindful has helped me be comfortable with my thoughts. Okay, that’s not always true—I still sometimes get angry and want them to go away, but I don’t dwell as much, I don’t lash out as much, and I am most definitely a happier, more peaceful person.
The Process of Being Creative Triggers Memories—Good Ones
If you activate your divine creative energy, you are activating the positive, shiny aspects of yourself. You remember happier times. You feel accomplished. You’re happy with yourself. You smile more (and people smile back)!
As you then become more mindful, perhaps through yoga and meditation, the difficult thoughts and feelings are balanced with the positive, creative, and happy aspects of you.
You take responsibility for your life. It’s fun to be with you.
You realize that you are the person you’ve been waiting for.
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Maybe This Is What Happiness Is
With a lift of his chin and a bit of a grin,
Without any doubting or quiddit,
He started to sing as tackled the thing
That couldn’t be done and he did it.—Edgar Guest
I’ve always believed in the adage “actions speak louder than words.” I’ve never been one to seek guidance from commercial catch phrases, trending tweets, or song lyrics. But Guest’s poem did make me smile. Whether it was the playfulness of the verse or just the simplicity of the message, it spoke volumes to me.
Easy, right? Well, maybe for Edgar, but not so much for myself. Laden with insecurities, fear, and self-doubt, I’ve often felt paralyzed to confront obstacles, the largest being happiness and self-worth.
In the past, when my mom saw me down or struggling, she’d often ask, “Are you happy?” or “What would make you happy?” These were scary questions for me, because I had no answer. I would always just say, “I’m fine” and quickly change the subject.
To be honest, without looking up the definition I couldn’t tell you for sure what “happy” means. I guess it means something different to each of us. I wanted to be successful at a career and in a relationship. Both were at a dead end.
I didn’t even know which to tackle first. I was embarrassed to try to date because I wasn’t successful career wise, so I stopped. I didn’t want to end up dating someone and getting my happiness from them, only to be depressed again when the relationship ended, so I knew I had to focus on myself first. Still, that proved challenging.
I am the king of to-do lists. I singlehandedly support the Post-it industry. I used to approach each day the same: with a list of things to do. I would go to the library straight after work and pursue my list. Then, as I stared at it, fear, anxiety, and confusion would set in.
My list was filled with tasks to help me fulfill my goals of a career and life I could be happy and proud of. But as day turned to evening, I’d feel a sense of despair as I heard that faithful announcement “ten minutes till close,” since again, I’d gotten nothing accomplished. I would head home and try another feeble attempt at staying up all night to get more done, to no avail.
This would go on for several days, months, even years. After reading Guest’s poem, I knew my biggest problem was that my goals were not clear. I knew I had the determination and want.
My search for self-worth led me to win a fitness competition, act on stage, do charity work, run marathons, and even a try out for a professional baseball team. Those accomplishments made me happy for the moment, but when they ended, I was back to feeling depressed, sorry for myself, and mostly, just lost.
Nothing seemed to bring me the sustained happiness I searched for. That is why I felt safe when I was cast in a show. It gave me a three-month hiatus from being myself. I could entrench myself into something else and avoid the problem: me. Even my insecurity issues would subside a bit during this time. A task or project would redirect my focus from worry and negative thoughts.
When the task or project ended, my insecurity would come back with a vengeance. Void of something to preoccupy myself with, I would become obsessed with trying to find happiness, success, and self-worth. The problem was that I still could not define what happiness was or what it would feel like.
The more downtime I had, the more negative my thoughts became, and the more depressed I felt. It was a vicious cycle. My biggest fear was that I wouldn’t be able to hide my depression from the people around me. I was constantly putting on a joyful, joking persona. You know, tears of a clown and all that.
Then one particular evening everything changed for me, and not for the better.
Coming home from a rehearsal, I got into a bad car accident. Luckily no one was hurt physically, but I was damaged emotionally.
Before the accident I worried about everything except for time. Well, now add that to the list. Hurry up! Hurry up and find and define happiness. I was now in a race with time on top of everything else.
So often you hear these life threatening moments cause people to step back, smell the roses, and appreciate what they have. For me, the incident made me more reclusive and more worried that I would never find happiness.
I turned into a glass-three-quarters-empty guy and frequently felt embarrassed because I had to ask friends and family for rides to work and rehearsal. As someone who does not like to rely on other people for help, this was very difficult for me.
The one trait I do possess, for good or bad, is the ability to compartmentalize things, so I pretended the accident never happened. Big mistake. I never talked about it. Most things I can hide and just sweep away.
In the days that followed the accident the one solace for me was exercise. In good times and bad, a workout could always lift my spirits and make me feel I could achieve anything. It provided a sense of clarity.
After several unsatisfying jobs out of college, I took a step back and simplified my cloudy goals. I had a passion for fitness and impacting people. I started thinking about helping people in a health-related capacity. A friend of mine was an athletic trainer, so I volunteered at his office. I enjoyed working with people and hearing their stories.
More than the workout, they enjoyed having someone to share their stories with. In fact, I could not believe how much they would open up.
At one point, I thought, “I would never tell a stranger all of my deep secrets.” Then I realized that to them, I wasn’t a stranger. I was someone they entrusted with their self-improvement goals, which is not an easy thing to do. They would say, “I look forward to this hour.” It gave me a feeling of purpose.
So I got my certification, walked into a health club, and became a personal trainer. Acting on what I’d learned from my own personal experience, I made a promise to myself that I would always tell my clients to set goals for themselves, not for the approval of others. Start by accepting, liking, and not being too hard on yourself.
My life has always been filled with judgment. An audition, a competition, a tryout. Waiting for someone to tell me I was good enough, then dealing with hearing sometimes “You’re not.” That was tough to deal with. I’m still in a struggle every day teaching my clients how to be happy with themselves, while at the same time learning to be happy with myself.
Since I’m the king of lists, I made one more, which I refer to every day. These are the reminders that help me in my daily life. I hope they’ll help you too.
Problem: I felt overwhelmed because I had too many confusing goals.
Solution: Pick one simple goal each day, no matter how small, and focus on that.Problem: I felt bad because I focused on what I hated about myself and how happy and successful other people were, while I struggled to find direction.
Solution: Focus on something I like about myself every day.Problem: I was sedentary. Inactivity breeds depression.
Solution: Move! Being active relieves stress, boosts your mood, increases your energy, and provides clarity and positive energy.Problem: I felt alone because I never asked for help.
Solution: Ask! People care.Problem: I withdrew from family and friends because I wanted to hide my problems.
Solution: Open up, even if it feels hard. Talking is great medicine.It’s still a battle every day for me. I still go through bouts of anxiety, self-doubt, and insecurity, but each day it does get better. It’s helped that I’ve learned to appreciate my family and friends and be more open with them.
Maybe that’s what happiness is—making a little progress every day, spending time with people you value and trust, and finding the courage to be honest with them. At least, that’s what it is for me. Everybody (and every body) is different.
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Life Is Better When We Focus on What We Appreciate, Not What’s Lacking
“Wisdom is merely the movement from fighting life to embracing it.” ~Rasheed Ogunlaru
Recently a friend told me a story about taking her seven-year-old to the circus. It was a wonderful mother-daughter outing. Just the two of them, no pesky brothers or dad tagging along and getting in the way.
They had the best time. They watched acrobats and clowns and all manner of brand new delights, gasping at one another gleefully at every new feat. They bathed in each other’s company without interruption, laughing and having fun. Literally all the things.
After this magical afternoon, as the two of them were leaving, my friend’s daughter spied the merchandise stand and wanted her mum to buy her a plastic fairy wand. My friend gently but firmly said no.
In the car on the way home, her daughter was quiet.
“What did you like the most? What was your favorite thing today?” my friend asked her.
She was sulking. “I’m just thinking about the wand I didn’t get.”
I’m just thinking about the wand I didn’t get.
How many of us fixate on the wands we didn’t get, even amidst the most wonderful experiences?
How often do we home in on the one negative comment, or the thing that isn’t right instead of what is positive or right?
How can we just see what is rather than disproportionately focusing on what isn’t?
For myself, the wands I didn’t get loom most darkly now that we are in the age of the Internet. As much as I am a huge advocate for the awesomeness of online life, something that sucks me into a vortex of wishing for what ‘isn’t’ are reviews.
I read reviews like others might read a newspaper. Cover to cover, looking for bias or bad writing or things I might not like, as well as things I’m sure I will. Inevitably this can lead to disappointment when I finally get to experience the actual thing I’ve been reading about for months.
I turn up to a new café or a guesthouse and find myself honing in on what isn’t:
“It said in the review that there was a 180 degree view, but this is only front-on.”
“It said in the review they had lots of vegetarian dishes, but I can only see three and they don’t look that great to me.”
“This house manager is frowning at me. The review said they were like family by the end of trip. How is that possible with this grump?”
When my friend shared this anecdote about her daughter and the wand she didn’t get, it was very timely.
A much-needed slap in the face, really.
Here’s what I began thinking about:
Which practices drag me into a space of entitlement and loaded expectations, and which practices make available a stronger sense of appreciation for what Is rather than what Isn’t?
One thing is to be less obsessed with reviews, obviously.
Another is to really spend some time reflecting on how I experienced life before the Internet. How I traveled, what behaviors, what choices opened up a sense of wonder about the every day world?
In the last few months of digital nomad life, I’ve been much more inclined to just show up and try stuff out rather than worrying about what lots of folks thought.
Here are my rules:
- A brief skim of a review is handy, but it’s time-limited. I now spend only a few minutes checking others’ thoughts, and look for basic practical things that are important.
- Get there and see. Make eye contact. Look Up. Be.
- Slow down and take my time so I am able to fully appreciate what’s in front of me. What’s the rush?
- Trust my gut. Give it a go.
- Talk to people in person, ask for recommendations.
- Be okay with imperfection. Enjoy what is good about what is happening.
You know what?
It’s working.
I discovered a wild beach, and while it was unswimmable (which would normally drive me crazy), it was pretty much deserted and the waves were mesmerising, provoking an infinite number of thoughts.
I also talked with a woman walking her dog there and found out about another beach closer to our new home. I then learned that even though the Indian restaurant doesn’t deliver at 3am she can get a box made up to pick up for her night shift (which might come in handy one day in a town where occasionally everything shuts by 8pm).
I unwittingly drank the best coffee of my life.
I lay in the still and stifling heat of the night in a tent, initially angry that I hadn’t known how hot it was going to be. But then I reminded myself there was nothing to be done but just accept it, lie very still, and I actually fell asleep, awaking refreshed and excited about the day ahead.
I jumped on buses after asking locals which ones, and they were always right, even though there were a few scary “where the hell are we?” moments.
After receiving a difficult email, I stopped. I listened to music and physically felt myself calm down (as well as rediscovered a few albums) instead of freaking out, scanning social media, and increasing my anxiety.
I’m finding myself naming the things I like first:
This room has great airflow.
There are fascinating trees on the headland.
Dogs are allowed in (!)
The music is fantastic.
The people crowding in the pool are smiling a lot and having fun, which is making me smile.
These flowers are beautiful.
The mist (obscuring the view) is mysterious and atmospheric.
I’m learning something weirdly interesting from the radio interview I’m listening to instead of a podcast after my device died.
That part of the meal was lush.
I can hear birdcalls piercing through the heavy rain.
Now that I’m making a habit of focusing on the good around me, I’m finding that I’m more apt to put good into the world, for example, by:
Showing up alone at a community event.
Sending a friend with a broken leg a card in the post.
Taking extra time to offer quality information and support to people in need.
Holding back a knee-jerk reaction and choosing a wiser response in a stressful situation.
The wands I didn’t get are, slowly, fading from memory as I replace them with what I did get—with what is—and here’s what I’m learning: Acceptance and contentment are bringing me more joy and also strengthening a sense of bravery and connection while on this adventure of rediscovering daily life.
You know what else?
That wand would have been the highlight of my day… for all of five minutes. Then I’d be back to feeling bad and annoyed about the ice cream I didn’t get, the criticism I received over the praise, and the rain that came after the sun (and appeared to last so much longer).
Wands we didn’t get only add up to seeking more wands, and then more, and then more, until our whole lives are made up of resentment for what we don’t have.
We end up living life constantly seeking external pleasures and validations.
Most of us really do have a lot. And while it’s great to acknowledge sadness and disappointment (especially when it’s more than warranted), and to speak up when something really is wrong, it’s equally important to get on board with what is.
To know when it’s just a plastic wand and nothing more.
And then get on with the business of appreciating that amazing day at the circus.
Coz you just never know when you’ll be here again.
-
It’s Okay to ‘Fail’ on Your Way to Finding What You Want to Do
“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” ~George Bernard Shaw
I would say it’s a safe assumption that most people aren’t quite sure what they’re doing.
What do I mean? I mean that most individuals—whether they look polished and presentable or haphazardly have their life thrown together—are generally playing a game called “life.” And they’re trying the best they can.
In other words, we’re all capable and have all experienced the highs and lows of what life has to offer. Unfortunately, that’s just part of the human experience. To try to ride the highs while avoiding the lows is counterproductive and, quite frankly, impossible.
But it’s also easy to feel like you’re falling down a dark rabbit hole when times are tougher. And one of those feelings revolves around our desire to make an impact on this world, finding what really drives us.
Great! Now, where to start?
And that’s the problem. Most of us, including myself, have fallen victim to not knowing what to do with our lives, both professionally and even personally.
And I offer you this: that is perfectly okay. And it is perfectly okay to fail on your way to finding out what to do with your life.
Failing Whether You Want To or Not
Life isn’t about an end goal or a destination. Life is about enjoying the ride and trying different things. Things you will succeed at and things you won’t succeed at.
I personally have failed at many things in my life in its two most common forms: action and inaction.
One of my biggest “failures” of inaction was sticking with a career that I didn’t enjoy on any level for far too long. It got so bad, I would begin to dread Saturdays because I knew the next day was Sunday, which meant the day before the workweek began. And when that week started, I counted the days down until the weekend.
And the cycle would repeat. Yet I kept this uncomfortable routine for years, lying to myself and saying that it was okay because I had a stable job, a good income, and it could be worse.
I was too scared to take a step or make a move. And years flew by before I realized it was time to take one.
I also didn’t move when I had the opportunity to. I didn’t take a trip because it might have required a bit more financing than I thought. I didn’t volunteer because life got busy and I shelved the idea.
The lack of moving forward, or taking a step, results in a failed effort to grow as a person. We begin to regret that we didn’t do X, Y, or Z. And unfortunately, living with regret is the fastest way to bury yourself into a hole.
But failure can also occur as you go about sticking your neck out and trying different things.
And unfortunately, this is the one that scares most people. Why? Because there is nothing worse than actually taking a leap of faith, only to have it blow up in our face. We may learn valuable life lessons from it, yet it doesn’t exactly help our arch-nemesis, the ego.
But as Wayne Gretzky once said: “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”
So if the last relationship you got into didn’t work out, it’ll be okay. If the job you switched to didn’t turn out in your favor, not a problem. And if telling someone your true feelings got you on the wrong side of the equation, so be it.
Now you know. And you never would have known if you didn’t take that step. Rest easy knowing that you made the effort.
Life and Newton’s First Law of Motion
I remember at very specific points telling myself that sooner than later I’d figure out what I wanted to do with my life, but I needed to keep my job in the meantime.
Life doesn’t work like that.
I used to think that a lightning bolt from Zeus himself would come down and strike me, in the form of some epiphany wrapped in a layer of motivation. This “lightning bolt,” some kind of chance meeting with someone or witnessing something, would basically give me all the info I needed to pursue the things in life that were meant for me.
I was convinced it was that simple.
As you can imagine, that lightning bolt never hit, and I felt stuck. And it was equally hard to imagine a different life besides the one I was living: going to work, watching TV, and going out on the weekends with friends.
This life I was living had done me fairly well up to this point, but I knew something was missing. What that piece (or pieces) were, I didn’t know. But all of us, at some point, feel that sort of “empty” void when we know something is absent.
After awhile, I began to take steps to try different things that struck my fancy. Things like writing, taking an art class, volunteering, reading, researching different industries and careers, and many more. If it stuck out to me, I was willing to give it a shot.
And here you have executed on Newton’s First Law of Motion: An object either remains at rest or continues to move at a constant velocity, unless acted upon by an external force.
In simpler terms, an object in motion tends to stay in motion, and an object at rest tends to stay at rest.
Looking back, all of the small things I tried were baby steps, but very important ones. It was these tiny little movements, so to speak, that enabled me to start moving in a direction that gave me greater joy and led to more fulfillment.
I started writing for a local magazine, free of charge, in an effort to practice my writing. I made it a point to read at least one book every two weeks, and ended with over thirty-four by year-end. I went back to school and completely changed careers.
And, as you can imagine, life got much better. But it didn’t go completely smoothly. I had some wrong turns in there, including taking a bad job and entering a bad relationship.
I did all these things in an effort to find my true calling, the one or two things that completely light me up and I would do for free without hesitation. Have I found it yet? I can’t say I have.
And yet somehow, I’m a little more at ease knowing that while I may not know what I want to do with my life, I’m trying things that will help me eventually find it.
I can also tell you that I’ve failed multiple times through taking action and I’ve failed multiple times by doing nothing.
It’s through these failures, though, that I’ve learned to hone in on the things that worked. And through honing in on the things that worked, I’ve been able to focus my attention in areas that interest me and have given me the greatest return.
You Have An Amazing Ride If You Want It
If I were to tell you with 110% certainty and conviction that life has an amazing ride in store for you if you were to take baby steps toward finding yourself, would you do it? If I were to then tell you that no matter what steps you take, you will ultimately fail at some point, would you still do it?
It should give you comfort to know that the steps you take won’t be perfect by any means. And knowing they’re not perfect should take the pressure off on trying to create immaculate scenarios every single time.
I know one thing: I’m much closer to finding my life’s purpose than I was before. And it’s because I’ve taken steps to try different things and see what sticks and what doesn’t.
Ultimately, there are many steps in life ahead of you that will be the right choice, and a few that will be the wrong choice. But either way, you’re winning by taking action.
