Tag: wisdom
-
Compassion Is the Key to Overcoming Hardship (and Insomnia)
“You can never know how many lives you’ve touched, so just know it’s far more than you think. Even the tiniest acts of love, kindness, and compassion can have a massive ripple effect. You have made the world a better place, even if it doesn’t seem like it.” ~Lori Deschene
I never had trouble sleeping until I got divorced. I never had a nervous breakdown either. Bankruptcy, fighting for custody of my children, and losing my business and my home definitely pushed things over the edge.
What made matters worse is that unabated, stress-related sleep deprivation can lead to difficulty functioning, depression, and incredible self-loathing.
In other words, insomnia completely messes with your mind.
Having a psychiatrist in the family should have been helpful; at least he was well-intended. And, while it’s not exactly best practice to prescribe for a relative, I was literally frozen in my bed, eyes wide open for way too many nights in a row, with two small children to care for.
I was living in Las Vegas and desperate for help. He was in New York, near the rest of my family. Out of love and pity, he conceded.
We started with Ambien for the first few nights. Nothing. We tried Lunesta which made me more wakeful. I am pretty sure the move into Restoril is what made me break.
According to rxlist.com, Restoril can “cause paranoid or suicidal ideation and impair memory, judgment, and coordination. “
Taking Restoril did not restore my sleep. It caused me to temporarily lose my mind.
Lying in bed, my eyes were glued wide open in panic. I was convinced that my children would be taken away to be raised by their father and his girlfriend, while I would be locked up in some random psych ward, forever wearing a white hospital gown.
I would lose everything and bring complete shame to myself and my family.
What had gone wrong?
I was born happy and easygoing; nothing much ever fazed me. I was an independent, self-assured child who had grown into a strong, grateful woman. I was a free-spirited artist, always known for “looking on the bright side.”
Now, lying in sleepless wait, taking my own life frequently floated in and out of my extremely messed-up mind. Thankfully, I always concluded that I could never abandon my children or destroy my family.
Still, I was so completely traumatized that I literally could not move unless absolutely necessary. My meditation cushion was next to my bed; I had just started this practice and did not yet have strong skills. All I knew was that after I sat, I could gather myself enough to care for my sons.
I can’t recall if it was two or three weeks that passed in what I now refer to as my “psychotic break.”
I do remember my relative, the doctor, saying, “Elizabeth, I’ve given you enough sedatives and tranquilizers to take down an elephant, and you’re still not sleeping. There is a chance you are bipolar. It can have a very fast onset, and it runs in our family.”
Bipolar? Me? Little Miss Sunshine?? That was all I needed to hear.
I had started a business designing clothes that had taken off too quickly, requiring me to spend time in Los Angeles. Since my children were with their father two weeks of the month, I had rented a tiny studio in Topanga Canyon, a beautiful, peaceful, hippie enclave between the Valley and Malibu.
I knew my only hope for sanity was in that canyon, but my lease was up and I had no money. My mother, terrified for my sanity, gave me the last month’s rent.
I tossed out the meds, got into my car (against better judgment), and drove the four hours from Vegas to Topanga. On the way, I stopped at Whole Foods and bought at least three different natural sleep remedies with clear instructions on how to use them.
The first few nights I tossed, sweated, and pitched. My meditation cushion was the only place I could find relief, so I was sure to sit on and off, even just for a few minutes, whenever I could drag myself out of bed.
During the day, I forced myself to take short walks because I knew if I did things that were “normal,” eventually I would be.
After four days and nights detoxing, I finally slept. Not soundly and not all the way through, but the spell was clearly broken. I was taking Valerian, a remedy called “Calms,” and melatonin.
By the end of the week, my nightmare seemed to be over.
Months later, I realized I’d had a nervous breakdown. My nervous system was shot, and I suffered tremendous repercussions for well over a year.
After that, my meditation practice grew stronger by the day. And, while my sleep improved, the rest of my life was still extremely challenged. My business failed badly. My former business partner sued me and put a lien on the house I had purchased with borrowed money. My ex-husband filed bankruptcy, which fell onto me.
With no business, no income, and no way to sell my house because of the lien, I was looking at huge debt plus a mortgage I had no way of paying. I had very little alimony or child support. The relationship with my ex had become a battleground, littered with the torn parts of our once happy life.
I had one choice: to step up or give up.
I remember wondering, if I was having such a hard time getting through a divorce, how did people overcome the worst things imaginable?
How could a mother survive losing a child?
I made up my mind to find out that answer and share it with others.
I knew I could write but needed help with marketing. An ad on Craigslist led me to Angela Daffron, who ran a small marketing business. She was a stalking victim who had become an advocate for other victims.
Angela’s story was devastating, and she clearly had become empowered through helping others. But I needed to understand surviving pain on an even deeper level.
I tracked down Candace Lightner, whose fourteen-year-old daughter Cari was killed by a drunk driver with four prior convictions. Candace had led a one-woman, grassroots, pre-Internet crusade against drunk driving and founded MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving). Today, MADD has been estimated to have saved close to 600,000 lives.
More recently, Candace had founded “We Save Lives,” another non-profit devoted to ending drugged, drunk, and distracted driving.
I needed to know how Candace got out of bed the day after Cari was killed.
I found her email online and reached out. Candace was incredibly generous with her time—that conversation was the first of many that evolved into a deep, lifelong friendship.
Keeping others safe on the highway was Candace’s life’s mission, and she let nothing get in her way. Cari’s life had to serve a purpose; through that, Candace discovered a path through her pain.
I continued interviewing women who had been through hell and back, so I could learn. So I could share. So I could recover. A pattern emerged:
Mary Griffith’s son Bobby was gay, and Mary could not accept him. Bobby killed himself by jumping off an overpass into ongoing traffic.
Mary became one of the greatest LGBT advocates of her day.
Eva Eger had been forced to dance for famed SS leader Joseph Mengele in Auschwitz. She survived the Holocaust but lost her entire family.
Eva became a psychotherapist.
Deanne Breedlove’s son Ben passed from heart disease at just eighteen years old. Before he died, unbeknownst to anyone, Ben made a video that shared a near death experience with all of the peace, love, beauty, and angels that he experienced.
Ben passed on Christmas Day 2011. By the next morning, his video had gone viral around the world.
Deanne devoted her days to volunteering at Dell Children’s Hospital, where Ben had spent so much of his life. She offers love and support to parents with sick and dying children.
My learning continued. Writing stories about loss, rape, and homelessness with everything in-between, made it clear: Compassion was key to overcoming hardship.
And, it wasn’t necessary to write a book, change laws, or start a non-profit. Compassion could mean showing up for anyone in some small way… even if that “anyone” was you.
I became more compassionate. I meditated, spent more time in nature, and took better care of my body. I paid more attention to my roles as a daughter, sister, friend, and mother. I learned to pause and make sure that, if someone needed me, I was there.
I became a much better listener, especially with my children.
I was also fired up with the purpose of sharing what I had learned with others.
With all of these changes, my outer world hadn’t yet caught up with my inner world. My spirit was stronger, but I was still struggling financially and emotionally. I still could not reconcile the mess I had made of my life.
I fell into the bad habit of continually beating myself up for my mistakes, spending sleepless nights doing the life review of all the ways I had messed up, over and over again.
I also did not know that the unconscious mind cannot differentiate the past and the present. Somewhere deep in my psyche I believed that difficulty sleeping meant I would go off the deep end again.
The anxiety around sleep became worse than the insomnia itself.
I went to a sleep specialist to ensure there was nothing physically wrong. My internist prescribed medication for when insomnia hit really hard. I found a hypnotherapist who helped re-train my subconscious. When I woke in the night, I meditated so my body could find rest.
This time, sleep deprivation was not taking me down.
I was referred to a website called WIFE.org, which stands for the Women’s Institute for Financial Education. WIFE was the nation’s longest running non-profit devoted to female financial literacy. On the home page, I saw that, for $1, I could order a bumper sticker that read, “A Man is Not a Financial Plan.”
In that moment, I understood that if I could personally help women through their divorces, I would survive.
Two days later, I landed on co-founder Candace’s Bahr’s doorstep. She and her partner, Ginita Wall, were two of the nation’s greatest advocates in helping women become financially literate. They had also been running a workshop called “Second Saturday: What Every Women Needs to Know About Divorce” for almost twenty-five years.
Second Saturday provided free legal, financial, and emotional advice for women in any stage of divorce, beginning with just thinking about it.
I let Candace and Ginita know I was going to advocate, volunteer, and work for them. I told them they were “never getting rid of me.” Within one year, I raised enough money to help them roll Second Saturday out nationally.
Three years later we had gone from two locations to over one hundred and twenty.
Every Second Saturday, I bared my soul and told my awful tale to groups of women in the most vulnerable possible way I could. Just as I had been, they were terrified. I wanted them to know that they were not alone, and they would survive.
I also wanted to let them know that their lives would unfold in remarkable ways.
In sharing my darkest moments, I helped them get through theirs. From that space, my true healing began.
When I was helping others, I forgot my own pain. And, when I saw how my story helped others, my journey of forgiveness began, beginning with myself.
With all of this new awareness and an amazing, supportive community, my struggles had less and less impact. I continued working with Candace and Ginita, and slowly but surely, my outer life began to shift. I made art to soothe my soul and created a program to share artmaking with other women.
My children were the true center of my world, and I made the most of every moment I had with them. I became more and more grateful for every part of my life, including—and especially—the struggles.
Had I not gone through a terrible divorce, I never would have met Candace Lightner, Mary Griffith, Eva Eger, Deanne Breedlove, Candace and Ginita, and so many other remarkable people.
I never would have helped thousands of women get through their own struggles.
I would never have understood that we are all born with infinite gifts that we were meant to share with others.
Insomnia had led to compassion and purpose.
Eventually, I fell in love and married again. This time with a man who supported every part of my being, including my artist’s soul. My purpose in helping others transformed to our joint purpose: sharing the healing benefits of art.
We founded “The Spread Your Wings Project,” a non-profit with a mission of being an uplifting response to the tragedies faced by our nation today. We are blessed to make massive pairs of angel wings in community with children.
We are humbled and grateful to have worked with Dell Children’s Hospital, and the city of Las Vegas, in honor of lives lost on 10/1/17.
Today, we are incredibly honored to be partnering with Dylan’s Wings of Change, a foundation borne of the Sandy Hook shooting. Ian Hockley lost his beautiful six-year-old Dylan on that tragic day. In Dylan’s honor, he founded DWC and “Wingman,” an educational curriculum that teaches children compassion, empathy, and inclusion.
What could be more important than that?
We are launching “Spread Your Wings with Wingman,” where we will build massive angel wings with schoolchildren across the country.
What an incredible gift for someone who believed her life was worthless!
Two weeks ago, I had a few rough nights. Instead of spiraling down the insanity vortex, my older, wiser self took over. I embraced my sleep struggles as a sign to practice more self-love.
I slowed down. I listened to the trees. I created more boundaries with people and technology. I counted my blessings that everyone I love is healthy and well, at least in this moment. I sent more prayers and gratitude to the amazing people who, through their stories, helped me re-write mine.
I dove into preparation for “Spread Your Wings with Wingman,” and remembered everything I learned, beginning with this:
Compassion—beginning with self-compassion—is the key to a good night’s sleep.
-
How to Avoid Emotional Burnout This Holiday Season
Whether you celebrate or not, the holiday season can be stressful for many reasons. From experiencing difficult emotions like grief, anger, or resentment that seem to resurface out or nowhere, to the pressures of making everything perfect for everyone, there’s a lot of opportunity for emotional burnout.
I’m no stranger to painful emotions re-emerging around this time of the year. Christmas used to trigger in me the feelings of loneliness and guilt for years, following my move across the country and away from my family and friends.
Moving was a conscious choice my husband and I made soon after we married. We were no strangers to uprooting our lives—we left behind most of our families, friends, and even parts of ourselves moving to America a decade earlier. But it’s one thing to do that when you’re single, and another when you’re growing as a new family and don’t have your parents and siblings supporting you through the thick and thin of building a life.
One of the unintended consequences we had not considered was not being with our families around the holidays, birthdays, and other important moments in our lives. Once we had children, it was often impossible to travel home, and as much as we tried to make the best of it, holidays had an underpinning of sadness, isolation, and depression.
The most painful for me was that our children had no grandparents, aunts, or cousins around throughout most of the year—and this pain was magnified around the holidays.
In the early years especially, I felt an enormous amount of guilt for taking that feeling of community and familial support away from my children. The sadness was often crippling. I tried to put on a happy face for my babies, but inside I was often lonely and depressed.
I also had to face the mounting sense of abandonment I felt every time my family couldn’t or wouldn’t spend the holidays with us. For many years I felt unsupported, unimportant, and unloved. This only brought my childhood experiences of feeling neglected and unseen to the surface. Eventually, I realized I had to heal my past in order to shift how I experience the present.
Over the years I learned to step back from my pain and look at it differently. My perspective slowly shifted as I learned to set healthier boundaries, have more realistic goals and expectations, resolve my past traumas, reach out for support, and take care of my own needs. Mindfulness and the willingness to do the work is what made it all possible.
1. Practice mindfulness.
When things get hard, we must try to accept and allow what is happening in the moment—this is the core of mindfulness. Blinders off, we can learn to observe what is happening and ride the wave of our feelings around that.
This is difficult work, so we tend to avoid it. We run in the other direction. We bury ourselves in work, get a drink to take the edge off, or turn our TV on to distract ourselves. We pretend we’re fine and we push through, thinking we’ve outsmarted our feelings. But the pain is still there, lingering, festering, ready to explode in the least opportune moment.
It’s important to practice mindfulness during less tumultuous times and learn to observe our thoughts and feelings when things are relatively easy. Then, once we build our mindfulness muscle, we can practice bringing it into more difficult moments to ride them out.
Don’t be afraid to feel your feelings—the more you resist the stronger they get. If you’re tend to get overwhelmed easily, plan ahead. Schedule time to feel bad, to rage, to cry, to talk to someone, to journal. Do it in a safe space and preferably with the support of a friend or a professional.
The goal is to feel whatever feelings you’re holding onto and release that pressure in a mindful way, so it doesn’t come out inappropriately (or misdirected) around the holiday table.
2. Validate your feelings.
Allowing, accepting, and validating your feelings is vital to emotional well-being. Whether it’s guilt, anger, or grief you are feeling, they have their place and are all valid. Neither good nor bad, our feelings are messengers—they inform us as we go about our lives. And we need to listen in.
Growing up in an invalidating environment, this was my weakest link. My feelings were never accepted, and I was often threatened to stop displaying them or I’d get in trouble. It was incredibly invalidating to have no one say, “I understand.” Instead, my displays of emotions were met with disdain, anger, and punishment. I learned to bury my feelings and disconnected from my emotional self.
As an adult, I kept looking to other to validate me. This was frustrating, and often left me feeling rejected, lonely, and insecure. Eventually, I learned to listen to my feelings and acknowledge that it was okay to feel the way I felt, that I had a right to feel this way, and that it made perfect sense I felt the way I did given what happened. I learned to allow my feelings to just be.
Let yourself feel and listen to what the feeling is trying to tell you. Maybe you need to apologize and repair a lost connection (guilt). Maybe it’s time to draw new boundaries to restore balance or protect your mental or physical well-being (anger). Maybe you need to accept that an important relationship failed and move on (grief).
Our feelings are there to guide us, to help us make the most informed decisions. The better we listen the faster we learn and recover.
3. Practice self-compassion and body-mind self-care.
We tend to revert back to our pre-programmed patterns and behaviors around our nuclear family, replaying our childhood roles and falling into habits we thought we shed long time ago. Don’t beat yourself up when this happens—it’s natural and your awareness of it is the first step to changing it. And we can start by putting ourselves first, practicing self-compassion, and taking care of our needs.
My programming was that of the perfect daughter/wife/mother who would bend over backwards to take care of everyone’s needs, to my own detriment. I neglected my own needs, both physically and emotionally. I planned elaborate menus, invited friends out of obligation, and tried to be everything for everyone: cheerful, helpful, supportive, forever patient and giving, saying “yes” to everyone but myself. It was physically and emotionally draining.
Through reflection, and a lot of journaling, I realized I was on a path of self-destruction. My overfunctioning was harming me both physically and emotionally, and I had to do something different. The one thing that made a huge difference was learning to put myself first and set healthy boundaries in my relationships with others.
It’s beautiful to have a giving personality and want to be there for others, but when we do that to our own detriment everyone suffers. Neglecting yourself is not a virtue. Everyone is responsible for their own feelings and needs—you can’t do this work for others. Your job is to take care of yourself, body, mind and heart. When you fill your own tank, you then can be there for others, but not before.
Don’t neglect yourself. Take a long, soothing bath or shower, walk your dog, eat protein-rich breakfast, spend time in solitude, bake your favorite cookies, reconnect with yourself though journaling and meditation, practice gratitude, learn to say “no,” reach out for support, take a nap. Pay attention to what you need and respond with love and nurturance.
And when you stumble, love yourself. When you make mistakes, talk too much, get sucked into family drama, lose your way—this is when it’s really important to love yourself anyway. Love your shadows and your imperfections remembering they once helped you survive. In time, you will transform them into strength, change, and growth.
4. Tap into your resilience.
You will be challenged around the holidays, that’s a given. Trust that you are strong enough to ride the waves of emotions mindfully. This shift in perspective will empower you to make better choices when faced with difficulty.
Before I built my resilience toolbox, I would get emotionally reactive to something as simple as mean comments, bickering children, or people being late, simply because I was under a lot of stress (a lot of it self-imposed).
With mindfulness, I learned to take a pause between trigger and my reaction. I watched as my body tensed, my heart started racing, and negative thoughts came rushing in. And I breathed through it, watching it change, and eventually pass. If it didn’t pass, I’d take some action to take me out of the situation and reset, like go for a walk. Or I’d ask myself, “What do I need right now?” and gave that to myself. Then, I could come back and respond, typically from a much calmer and supportive place.
Chose to be kind to yourself when you’re struggling. Learn few coping strategies you can employ in time of need: embrace yourself when you feel like falling apart, take five extra deep breaths to reset your nervous system, step outside to catch some fresh air, put headphones on and play your favorite resilience song really loud (mine is “Unstoppable” by Sia).
There are many things you can do to soothe your nervous system and strengthen your resilience muscle, practices that will help you explore, sort out, and process your emotions. Yoga, journaling, long walks, sitting in silence for five minutes every day, or dancing are all beneficial.
The point is to pay attention to your inner world, recognize when you’re struggling, and give yourself what you need to recover.
5. Avoid unhealthy coping mechanisms.
Temptations are always around—food, alcohol, binge-watching Netflix, scrolling social media, holiday shopping, etc. These are perfectly fine in moderation and often handy as a short-term break from the heaviness.
But we must be mindful of when we try to distract and numb ourselves in order to escape, because that only prolongs our suffering and delays the healing process. When we numb, we avoid vulnerability—the core of meaningful human experience—and we never resolve and move past our issues. Engage in your life consciously, be open, and accept what is. No more escaping. Trust that you are strong enough to walk through the pain and come out the other side.
—
I used to feel like I had to survive the holidays somehow. I was perfecting and overfunctioning to counter the internal feelings of lacking, guilt and abandonment.
It was most difficult when I was a new mom, didn’t have adequate support, and had unresolved feelings from childhood that were being triggered without my conscious awareness. These days, holidays are a mixture of joy and sadness, cherishing, and letting go, and I don’t get so easily overwhelmed by it all.
I now focus on growth and health, on building my own family traditions, cherishing sweet memories, and enjoying the moment. I no longer wallow in self-pity and feeling like a victim of circumstances, and I no longer let negative thoughts and feelings take over my head and my heart. I stay mindful, and when I stumble, I remind myself that even though I’m imperfect, I am enough.
-
You Gotta Look for the Good in the Bad
From bestselling author Karen Salmansohn, who’s part of our special New Year’s offer. Details coming soon!
-
The Boundaries That Helped Me Stop Being a Doormat
“Boundaries are a part of self-care. They are healthy, normal, and necessary.” ~Doreen Virtue
I’m really nice. Too nice actually. I’ve even been something of a doormat in my life.
But what can I say? I was trained that way.
There weren’t a lot of boundaries in our home when I was growing up. Instead, my addict mom was either checked out, partying, or raising hell, so I became the adult in the room. I was at her service most of the time.
By age six, I was regularly talking my parents through their fights. I’d moved on to career counseling Mom by age eight. The message was clear. You are here to help—and don’t forget it.
I grew up dreaming of a burden-free life where I’d finally get to do what I wanted. Yet, there I was, years later, letting my bully boss carve out large parts of my soul as I worked through weekends, holidays, and more.
I felt an enormous burden or responsibility all the time and became known as the onsite problem solver, no matter what the circumstances. The first time this happened was in a Manhattan ad agency, when I easily sacrificed my Saturday to take one for the team.
It seemed critical that I do so. After all, the agency’s biggest client was involved. It didn’t even occur to me that I could say no. Instead, I told myself the following lies:
“If I don’t do this myself, it will never get done and everything will go straight to hell.”
“I am literally not allowed to say no here. If I do, I might get fired.”
Or the biggest lie of all: “Just get through it. Then you never have to do this again.”
Ironically, I told myself that last one hundreds of times as the years passed. Consequently, I became ever more degraded, worn out, and overworked. I was a hamster caught on an impossible treadmill.
I thought I’d finally found the solution when I went freelance and started my own business. This way, theoretically at least, I could make up all the rules. Turns out I couldn’t even set boundaries with myself. The pattern of over work continued, virtually unchanged.
In all of this time, it never once occurred to me that I could say no. Or that I had the right to create my life just as I wanted it. Even if that meant changing jobs or relationships. Because, yes, the boundary violations continued in love, as well.
Here I was expected to follow my partners’ agendas, no matter what I actually thought or needed. Conveniently, I generally had no idea, so I went along with everything they suggested.
And yet, the universe can only put up with delusion like this for so long. Finally, my false reality came crashing down around my ears, as everything in my world slowly began to unravel.
First, the shining business I had built over decades suddenly fell apart. As it turned out, I really couldn’t see clients ten hours a day with no time for myself. At this point I’d had the flu for months, and I was seriously exhausted. Each day it was a struggle just to get out of bed, let alone consult with people.
For the first time in my adult life, not working and taking a little break actually seemed like a good idea.
Then I my relationship collapsed. At the time, I’d given up my San Francisco apartment and followed my partner out of the city, letting go of everything I’d built for myself. This happened in spite of the gnawing emptiness I felt about the relationship. And despite the fact that both of us had expressed doubts just before the move.
Deep inside, part of me knew that following her was a huge mistake. But I went, mainly because she thought it would be a good idea.
Yet again, I had no idea what I thought.
One morning, two months after I moved in, she turned to me in bed and calmly told me she had no romantic feelings for me. Though, with a smile, she added that I was welcome to stay as “a roommate.”
Finally, my fury arrived. This was, of course, not our deal. Angrily I packed up my suitcase, loaded up my car, and began to drive. As I barreled along, I began to experience feelings I hadn’t felt in years. In an instant, I saw how I’d been used again and again in this relationship—and in so many others.
As I crossed the Golden Gate Bridge on my way back into the city, I looked over at the Pacific, gleaming in the sunlight beside me. I felt the wind on my face, and for once I felt entirely, completely free. Suddenly I was massively relieved. Tears of gratitude filled my eyes as I drove, awake for once to the enormous possibility my life now presented.
This was my golden opportunity to do things differently—the way I wanted. Finally, I was filled with hope as I realized I could, indeed, set boundaries. I could say no whenever I wanted to. And I could say yes to what I did want.
I really could rise up and create a healthy, beautiful, abundant life for myself. I could feel in my gut this was true. That day, I made myself a promise. No longer would I tell myself to “Just get through it” when I didn’t want to do something, Instead, I was going to damn well say no, whatever the consequences may be.
Now, some years later, I have indeed built the life I’d longed for. And what’s present is me, pure and simple. I no longer hide away in overwork. I don’t pretend things are okay when they’re not. And I don’t think I have to solve everyone else’s problems.
Instead, I follow these rules:
1. I notice when someone makes me uncomfortable. Instead of running from that red flag, I listen and heed.
2. I try to own my feelings, even when they scare me. Even if I have to go be by myself for a while to process things.
3. I kindly, firmly speak up about that which I don’t like or agree with.
4. I make requests when I need to.
5. I walk away when necessary.
6. Most of all, I recognize that somebody else’s problem is not mine. They get to solve it, not me. So they get to enjoy the lessons that follow.
By following these simple ground rules, I’ve found my way back to serenity, a happy marriage, and work that truly fulfills me. When you allow yourself to finally own your boundaries you not only serve yourself, everyone else around you becomes clear where you stand, as well.
Not only can you set boundaries, you simply must. For this is the path to owning your power, as well as your joy.
Your boundaries are nothing less than self-affirming gold.
-
When Your Partner Isn’t Sure They Want a Future with You
“The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much and forgetting that you are special too.” ~Ernest Hemingway
At Eagle Point Elementary, where I went for third grade, there was one very cute boy. Jason was the object of affection for seemingly every third-grade girl. He would make a list each day of the five girls he thought were the cutest. The list changed every day. Whoever took the top spot for the day was the girl Jason decided he was “going with.” (Was “going with” a thing in everyone’s elementary school or just in suburban Minnesota? What did that even mean?)
I still remember the elation when I edged out my friend Caroline for the top spot. It was short-lived. Caroline was tough to beat. My dad got wind of this top five system and sat me down to say, “Never wait to be in somebody’s top spot. If you have to convince someone of how great you are, they shouldn’t be in your top spot.” I opted out of the competition the next day.
Adults are subtler than Jason was, but my father’s “top spot” lesson was a valuable one.
In my twenties, I dated a guy who ran cold and hot with me, leaving me insecure and obsessing over the relationship. Heeding my dad’s warning, I ended things abruptly.
It was initially very painful, and I questioned if I had pulled the plug too quickly. But within a few months, I realized there was no happy future with this person—he either didn’t care enough about me or was incapable of a secure intimate relationship. Either way, I had dodged a bullet.
Here is a scenario I see play out often in my psychotherapy practice: You meet someone and fall in love. After about a year of dating, you’re eager to marry and have children. Your partner is happy in the relationship, but not ready to move forward.
Initially, you’re patient and sympathetic. But by the end of year two, you’re frustrated about putting your life on hold while your partner is “figuring things out.”
Frequently, when you seem to have reached the end of your rope and appear ready to walk away, your partner begs for more time.
By year four, you’re vacillating between rage and panic, but you feel like this has to work out because you can’t bear the thought of starting over with someone new.
During year five, your partner announces they might never want to get married or have kids. In fact, they’d like to start seeing other people.
If you’ve ever found yourself in love with a commitment-avoidant person, you know it can be hard to tell when to be patient and when to pull the plug. Do you walk away from someone you love just because you have different timelines? How much time do you give your partner to decide whether they are in or out? In other words, should you stay or should you go?
Does any of this sound familiar?
“He won’t commit because he’s still getting over his first marriage, but if I can hang in, he’s going to see how good I am for him.”
“She had a traumatic childhood and doesn’t trust men, so it’s tough for her to be faithful. But she’s working on it.”
“We’ve been together for five years, but he’s still not sure. He says he’ll know when he knows.”
If so, let’s look at how you got here, why you stay, and what you can do next.
Your parents give you your first example of how to give and receive love. Unfortunately, sometimes they’re not the best role models, especially when it comes to relationships.
Did one parent prioritize work above everything and never make time for you? Or did you feel valued as long as you followed the rules and were easy-going, but shunned when you were struggling or needed extra attention?
This treatment teaches you that the people you love aren’t reliable, that you’re ‘too much’ for people to love consistently, or that you aren’t valued as much as their work, their hobbies, or the other people in their lives.
But what if you had terrific, consistent, loving parents? Maybe you even really admire their relationship and dream of having a similar one yourself. Then what?
Look at your early romantic relationships. These can provide a prototype, for better or worse, for your future connections.
Say, for example, that your high school boyfriend told you he loved you but blew you off to hang out with his friends at every opportunity. Or your first girlfriend cheated on you repeatedly. Our brains can lock into the idea that this is how love is supposed to feel.
A different but equally tricky scenario is that you had no early romantic life to speak of. You feel like you’ve never been chosen as the special one. In this case, you might feel like you’re lucky to get any attention at all, and that you’d better not be too demanding.
If this sounds like you, you may have an “anxious attachment” style. Someone healthily attached may strongly prefer to be in a relationship and may feel they are at their best when coupled up, but would rather be alone than stay in a relationship where their needs are not met.
If you are anxiously attached, any relationship, no matter how unsatisfying, is better than being alone.
In his 2012 book Attached, psychiatrist and neuroscientist Amir Levine writes, “Basically, secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving; anxious people crave intimacy, are often preoccupied with their relationships, and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back; avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.”
I wish I could tell you that if you do everything right and handle yourself correctly, the scales will drop from your lover’s eyes, and you’ll be in the top spot. But that’s probably what you’re already doing, and it’s not working. There’s no magic formula for getting someone off the fence, but here are some ideas to keep in mind:
1. Don’t bet your future on someone else’s potential.
People do grow and change throughout a relationship. However, after the first year or so, a desire to share one’s life, the depth of one’s feelings, and enthusiasm about committing to you probably won’t grow exponentially.
Is what you are getting now enough for you?
In her bestselling book Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert, a writer who has extensively chronicled her own relationships, writes “I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.”
Be realistic. Is the person in front of you who you really want? Or are you waiting for them to conform to your fantasy of who they could be?
2. Sometimes you have to make clear what you can or cannot accept.
Ultimatums have gotten a reputation of being akin to bullying, manipulating, or otherwise strong-arming someone into bending to your will.
Ambivalent partners often feel victimized when faced with an ultimatum. They don’t want to want to be pressured to change the status quo and to risk either stepping up or losing the relationship. But often that’s precisely what needs to happen.
Everyone should have a bottom line regarding what they want from a partner in a relationship. If you communicate your wants and your partner ignores them or can’t meet them, you should leave. Honoring what’s non-negotiable for you is the cornerstone of healthy self-esteem.
A long-married couple I know likes to tell a story about the first night they were married. As they settled into bed that night, the man confided, as he had many times before, that he was having doubts; maybe they’d married too quickly.
This time, his new wife looked him dead in the eye and said, “Why don’t you get out right now and you come back once you’ve figured it out.”
It wasn’t the first time he had expressed ambivalence about the relationship, but it was the last. “That night straightened me out,” says the man, laughing.
3. Is there any hope at all?
Sometimes the person having trouble committing recognizes that they have a problem and wants to work toward change. They might feel that the issue is their anxiety, trauma, or relationship history.
If they are genuinely working to figure it out, that might be a reason to hang on to a relationship somewhat longer. But there should be a time limit on how long you’re willing to orient your life around someone while your own needs are not being met. Talking this through with a trusted third party, like a therapist, can be very helpful in this scenario.
Commitment Isn’t the Finish Line—It’s the Starting Gate
Do you want to stake your future on someone who you have to convince to be with you? It’s important to note that a healthily attached person can become anxiously attached if they spend too long with an avoidant partner. The worst-case scenario isn’t a break-up; it’s spending years of your life with someone incapable of being ‘all in’ a relationship.
Say your partner doesn’t want to lose you but isn’t interested in changing the underlying dynamics of the relationship, either. Then you’ll find yourself tethered to someone incapable of real intimacy, who sulks in the face any expectations, and who is incapable of prioritizing you and your happiness. You will (sort of) have the commitment, but no closeness or trust. This is the worst outcome.
How is your story going to end? The answer depends on your tolerance for speaking up for yourself, and your willingness to risk being on your own. Don’t let your partner leach away your time, self-esteem, and happiness. Our lives are determined by the quality of our relationships. Hold out for the partner who unequivocally puts you at the top of their list.
-
The Most Important Step in Habit Changing
From Tiny Buddha contributor Luke Jones, also part of our special New Year’s offering. Look for it after the New Year!
-
If You Feel Stuck, Stressed, or Burnt Out, Nature Is the Solution
“I go to nature to be soothed and healed and to have my senses put in order.” ~John Burroughs
Nature is a big part of my life, as I spend a lot of time outdoors.
When I first started hiking and backpacking, I liked being able to explore new places and get some exercise outside.
In my twenties, I traveled throughout the Western United States hiking in the mountains and discovering the incredible desert. I moved a lot, I tried new things, and I kept craving more time in nature.
Over the years, I started to realize that the benefits of my time in nature went way beyond physical fitness and seeing beautiful views. Of course, it felt good to exercise, and I loved the views of snowcapped mountains and red rock arches in the desert, but I started to notice other ways nature enriched my life.
Below are some of the benefits I’ve experienced from spending time in nature that have nothing to do with physical fitness or how far you go.
1. More self-awareness
It’s easy to go through the whole day without ever taking a moment to be aware of your breathing or what is happening right here, right now.
I started to notice that when I went outside for a hike, I naturally became more self-aware and more focused on the present moment.
My time in nature started to become meditation for me. Walking among the trees or sitting around a fire on a chilly fall night helped me quiet all the chatter in my mind and land right in the present moment, open and curious about what’s around me.
I would start asking myself how I felt in the moment. I noticed the leaves under my feet and the air filling my lungs.
In nature, I find it easier to focus on deeper thoughts, creative ideas, and solutions to problems.
For example, last summer I was offered a new position at work and I couldn’t decide if I should take the job. I thought about every possible scenario in the future and just felt overwhelmed and stressed about the decision.
Luckily, that weekend I had a backpacking trip planned.
Within an hour on the trail, I confidently decided that I didn’t want to take that job. The decision was no stress at all because I’d created the mental space necessary to find clarity and access my intuition—without stories about the past or future getting in the way. Now, when I need to make a decision or feel creatively stuck, I head into nature to sort it out.
2. More gratitude
On any given day, you probably have a lot going on, right? And while you’re tackling your never ending to-do list, you’re probably also responding to the constant stream of notifications on your phone.
There’s so much focus on bigger, better, greater, and faster that it’s all too easy to get swept up in what you don’t have or all that still needs to get done. And considering how much time we spend on social media, it’s easy to compare our lives to someone else’s.
I tend to focus on what I need to accomplish instead of really appreciating all that I have done and how hard I have worked. When I do this, I feel so much more stressed, anxious, and like I’m not doing enough.
But every time I go on a backpacking trip or a camping trip, I’m always amazed by how quickly I completely forget about social media, my phone, and everything I lack or need to do.
I’m more aware and appreciative of how much I do have.
All of a sudden, a thought that was causing so much stress and anxiety becomes just a thought.
I don’t know if it’s the space, the trees, the fresh air, the smell of the plants, or a combo of all of these things, but when I go for a walk in nature, I come back feeling so much more grounded and less anxious.
I’m not so easily swept up by every thought that floats through my head, and I feel so much more awareness and gratitude for what I have—a healthy body that can walk outside, the supportive people in my life, how far I’ve come, and fresh air to breathe.
3. Recovery from mental burnout
Some of my best ideas come during or after a trip outdoors, and other people I hike and camp with have said the same thing!
The study of how nature affects the brain is on the rise. The Attention Restoration Theory (ART) hypothesizes that nature has the capacity to renew attention after exerting mental energy.
We modern day humans have a lot going on. We’re all over social media, we usually don’t get enough sleep, and our to-do lists are often very long. It’s crucial that we take time to rest and recover so we don’t burn out from mental fatigue.
For me personally, I’ve always felt renewed after a good hike or camping trip, even long before I heard of the Attention Restoration Theory. It’s like hitting the reset button, and I return to my life in the city feeling renewed and energized.
I invite you to try it out for yourself! Next time you’re feeling mentally burnt out or you’re having trouble focusing—maybe you just crammed for a big test or presentation at work, or you’ve been overwhelmed with personal matters—plan a local hike, camping trip, or a walk through the park without looking at your phone. Notice how you feel afterward.
Simple Ways to Experience Nature
While I love going on long multi-day hikes and backpacking trips, you don’t need to do that in order to experience the benefits of nature.
Here are some ways to get outside that don’t involve hiking:
- Visit a local park and sit in the grass under a tree.
- Sit by a stream, lake, or ocean, close your eyes, and focus on the sounds around you. Then, focus on your breathing for a few minutes.
- Visit a local greenhouse and walk around. Admire the plants and smell the flowers. This is something I love to do in the winter months!
- Plant a garden. If you have the space, this is a wonderful way to experience nature!
- Plan a car camping trip with family or friends. Sit around the campfire, tell stories, roast marshmallows, and sleep under the stars.
If you’re feeling confused about what to do, overwhelmed by your to-do list, or mentally burnt out, it can help to spend time appreciating the wonder of nature and letting your mind relax.
There’s an entire natural world that’s incredible to sit and watch. The more time I spend outside, the more I’m learning that it’s not so much about how far you go, but what you notice along the way.
-
How to Ease Your Suffering and Confusion by Deciphering Your Emotions
“The symphony of bodily feeling, mental thoughts, and images is emotion. It is the symphony on which people must learn to focus, to understand their inner stirrings and to harness its message.” ~Dr. Leslie Greenberg
Like most people in our Western culture, I didn’t learn to read the language of emotions growing up. I had no clue that our emotions are purposeful information about ourselves, our relationships, and our experience in the world around us. They actually carry messages about what to do—what actions to take to meet our needs for safety, balance, and contentment.
Like all people, my parents were a product of their generation and their family dynamics. Both of their childhoods consisted of emotional deprivation and trauma.
Like all humans, they did their best to survive.
Their intolerance to deal with the transgenerational trauma they carried led them to numb themselves through partying and drinking every weekend to avoid their pain. In the eighties this resulted in relying on pretty much any kid from the neighborhood to babysit me and my brother. One of those babysitters sexually assaulted me when I was seven.
I had no skills to deal with all of my feelings from this and other life experiences. Like all kids, I adapted quite automatically and unconsciously to my environment.
Like many victims of abuse, I tried to numb out and not feel. I started experimenting with drugs at age fourteen, not having any insight that I was drawn to teens doing the same because we were all trying to self-medicate—to cope. When I didn’t have drugs to help me zone out, I ate. And ate and ate and hated myself for it.
Of course, the uncomfortable feelings would be only temporarily anesthetized, inevitably reappearing with equal or more intensity. I felt like an open funnel where any soothing, satisfaction, or peace I experienced siphoned through, leaving me again faced with my vulnerability, like a dark cloud I couldn’t shake that brought with it more anguish than I could bear.
The illusion of love and care from boyfriends became another way to detract from the shadow within and distract myself from negative feelings.
A history of ignoring and trying to avoid my feelings meant that I also couldn’t hear their messages telling me “This relationship isn’t good!” I heard the whispering inner voice that said “leave this jerk,” but I stayed far too long, not trusting or believing my feelings mattered.
The earlier abuse and unresolved trauma I carried had eroded my sense of self-worth. Without knowing how to read the cues of my emotions that told me otherwise, the internalized belief that I didn’t matter, that I wasn’t worth protecting, was the one I acted from.
Although I was desperate to just feel better, the choices I made because of these unconscious beliefs and disconnection from my emotions left me feeling worse and worse, running from a dark shadow that followed me always with mere momentary lapses of relief.
Like for many people, it took a level of pain and despair that was no longer tolerable for me to change the course of my life.
The means I used to numb myself lost their effectiveness to numb the pain. The emotional abuse I endured by my boyfriend put me in a trance of darkness so far from myself that “brainwashed” is the closest descriptor that comes to mind.
It took the depth of this darkness before I finally listened to the inner whisper—the voice of something or someone inside me that said “Enough.” I woke up out of what seemed like a trance and left the dysfunctional community I was in. But still a dark cloud followed me.
I made many steady positive changes towards being healthy. I cut out the toxins—both substances and relationships. I went back to school and exercised regularly (to feel better, not just to look better).
I learned about mindfulness and began meditating daily. I ate healthier food and slowly and steadily started to treat myself like my own close friend. Though smaller, and with breaks of light, the dark cloud continued to follow me.
I was accepted into graduate school to become a therapist and I met my soul mate, but I still didn’t understand my emotions.
The aha moment came while sitting in a training course to learn about emotion-focused therapy from its developer, Dr. Leslie Greenberg. The missing piece of the puzzle that had eluded me finally landed.
Dr. Greenberg taught that emotions are actually purposeful, important, and meaningful information. Like data, when understood and translated, emotions can help us connect with our needs and values. They are the clues to the path to find meaning and happiness in our life.
I had spent my life avoiding, pushing down, and viewing feelings as the greatest nuisance—something to try to shut down and get rid of. It rocked my world to learn that they are actually purposeful, natural, and wise—they are there for a reason!
“How is everyone not freaking out right now?” I wondered.
How is this knowledge not everywhere, in every school, so we can all learn the skills to deal with our emotions and not suffer so much? Why is knowledge about emotions so esoteric?
After that epiphany, I became a devout emotion-focused therapist, training as a clinician and finding true healing working with Dr. Greenberg as his student and client. I finally rid myself of the hanging cloud by learning how to process my deeply suppressed emotions and resolve my unfinished businesses of the past.
Transforming my relationship to my emotions was the missing piece that allowed me to fully heal. Learning to be with my emotions, investigate them, and process them was like letting go of 100-pound chains shackled around my body all these years.
I felt free and empowered, knowing I no longer had to run from myself. I could decipher the inner sensations of my emotions and actually use them to get out of life what I want and need for peace and happiness.
For the past decade, I have taught hundreds of people how they too can ease their suffering and confusion by relating to their emotions differently, with mindfulness and compassion, and by processing the unresolved emotions that have been stored as their own personal shadows.
Here is a brief synopsis of my knowledge about emotions, as well as some practices that can help you transform your relationship to—and experiences with—them.
The Different Types of Emotions
All emotions are not equal. There are different types of emotions—some are healthy and helpful, while others, linked with social conditioning and internalized from negative experiences are less healthy. To complicate things, emotional expression can also be used as a tool to try and get our needs met.
Understanding the different types of emotions is a great first step in being able to read what type of emotion we might be feeling.
1. Core Emotions
Core emotions are a source of intelligence, hard-wired into us and available from two months old. These emotions tell us about what to get more of, what to avoid, and about the state of our relationship with others in the world.
For instance, core anger informs us when we are being violated or our boundary is being crossed. Sadness is a core emotion we feel with any loss, and fear is a hardwired survival emotion to let us know when there is a threat to our safety.
Core emotions tell us what action to take (e.g., core anger wants assertive empowered action, sadness typically wants acceptance and comfort, whereas fear will tell us to flee for safety).
If they are responded to well (considered valid, without added judgment or resistance), they leave the body fairly quickly.
But if core emotions are not responded to well by others in childhood, and especially if there is trauma, the emotions can be imprinted in a skewed and negative way.
This is where people tend to feel stuck in painful emotions, which can last long after the situation that caused them—sometimes for years (e.g., feelings of shame, destructive rage, and unresolved grief).
For me, feelings of shame and unworthiness were imprinted as a result of abuse. These core emotions (that include thoughts and beliefs) needed to be experienced and activated in order to access the adaptive and healthy emotions to help heal, such as core anger and self-compassion.
2. Secondary Emotions
Secondary emotions mask the core emotions. They are influenced by our judgment about emotion. They include internalized messages from culture about what is permissible (e.g., “boys don’t cry”). They can also be a form of self-protection or as a defensive mode (e.g., afraid of one’s anger or ashamed of one’s fear).
These are the feelings that are created from thoughts. For example, if you have a negative thought about yourself, this will trigger a negative feeling, which in turn triggers another negative thought and there you are, caught in a negative ruminative loop.
3. Instrumental Emotions
This is a type of emotion that small children try on to see if they can get their wants met by expressing emotion, like the toddler who cries when Mommy says “No” to a second cookie (i.e. “Crocodile tears”).
If Mommy gives in and gives the child the second cookie, the child learns that by using certain expressions of emotion, one can get what one wants. This reinforces the use of instrumental emotion, which is basically expressing certain emotions to manipulate others to get one’s wants/needs met.
Anger, for example, can also be instrumental, like when people walk on eggshells around a family member and give into their demands in order to avoid the consequences of their anger. Here, anger is not primary, but is instrumental and as you can imagine, a big problem for all involved.
Practices that Help You Get Better at Feeling
While it may take some time, following these steps is a good start to change your relationship with your emotions and help you feel better by become emotionally literate.
1. Meditate
Practice mindfulness meditation or yoga to help build your capacity to stay present in your body. Mindfulness meditation has been proven to help expand your “window of tolerance,” which refers to the capacity to be with all of your sensory experiences, including uncomfortable emotions.
2. Mindset
Bringing an attitude of curiosity and care to your inner emotional world will help you start to connect with your emotions. Investigate and challenge any internalized myths/beliefs that emotions (i.e. tears) are weakness. Understand that your emotions are not who you are—they are energy, sensation, and experiences all humans are hardwired to have. They do not define you.
3. Self-reflection
Learning to pause and go inward to investigate your emotions is essential to see what type of emotion(s) you’re experiencing.
Ask yourself: What am I feeling? Can I stay with it long enough to see if there’s something underneath? See if you can name what you might be feeling. It’s okay to guess if you’re not sure. (“Is this sadness? Fear? Anger?”)
If you feel a negative emotion, like shame, question the truth of the thoughts that accompany it to help get underneath to the core emotion. For example, if the thought is “I suck at everything,” you might ask yourself, “Is that true?” Then ask, “Where did I learn that I’m not good enough?”
Write down the messages you were taught and from whom. You might be able to see that you learned this from somewhere.
Remember, just because it feels real, doesn’t mean it’s true. It is most likely one of those skewed, negative, unhealthy emotions that came with painful learning in childhood or from negative or traumatic experiences in your life.
Recognizing our use of instrumental emotions is important to check ourselves. If you are using emotional expression to get another person to respond in a certain way, choose to be truer in your emotions. Investigate what it is you really want and speak directly with the person in your life about what you really feel and what you need.
The practice of mindfully witnessing and reflecting on my emotions allowed me to know myself, understand my feelings and needs, and ultimately see that I am not my emotions. They are important information, but they do not stay stuck and they do not define me. This felt incredibly helpful and freeing.
4. Express your emotions
Journal/write/paint/create to begin to connect with and express your inner feelings in some way.
5. Self-compassion
Sometimes staying with our emotions is hard. Sometimes we close off or shut down from our emotions, which, particularly in cases of trauma, can be adaptive. Bringing an attitude of care and friendliness to our difficult emotions is essential.
Not knowing what we’re feeling, or feeling something other than happy, needs to be held without judgment.
As we work to learn the language of our emotions and relate to ourselves with understanding, it helps to approach our experiences with kindness, patience, and compassion. We are all feeling beings, and we all suffer at times in our lives. Reminding ourselves of this is paramount to healing and being better at feeling.
You will find that practicing these steps will transform your experience of feeling. Over time, you will come to see that many emotions, when they arise and are not judged, dissolve naturally without activating stories of the mind or creating drama or painful narratives.
When we investigate the stronger emotions that have deeper meaning for us and relate to issues of importance, we can close in on them with curiosity and openness, able to identify their inherent messages and heed their call to connect with our inner most needs and desires. We can connect with our true self.
Getting better at feeling completely transformed my life. Thinking back to the times when I couldn’t bear to be with any of my feelings, drowning myself in anything I could to not feel, it’s like I was a completely different person. Eons away from my true self.
Of course, I was still me. The difference is, I learned that my emotions are an importance source of intelligence in life. I learned how to read the messages of my emotions and to use them to connect with myself, which ultimately led me to pursue my dreams and my purpose. Which I realized is to help others do the same.
-
How I Found Healing and Happiness in a Developing Country
“Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.” ~Jim Rohn
For years I dreamed of leaving the winters of Northern Ontario, Canada and basking in the warm golden sun somewhere in Central America from October to May. I would joke with my co-workers every winter “This is my last winter here, I swear!”
I did that for years until finally, one year, it was my last winter there. But it wasn’t because it was the most brutal winter we had experienced so far. Oh no. It was much more than that.
Rewind Back to 2012
I had just walked out of my eight-year abusive relationship. I was beaten down, ripped apart, and left as a shell of a woman. I had nothing to my name materialistically or emotionally. Very few belongings and no self-respect, self-worth, self-love, or self-confidence.
I left empty and numb. But at that time, it didn’t matter to me what I had or didn’t have. All I knew was that in order to preserve what little sanity I had left, I had to leave.
Rebuilding my life took a lot of time. I had just declared bankruptcy and didn’t have two cents to rub together. With the amazing help of family and friends, I was able to get a job, find an apartment, furnish it, albeit very simply, and start my life over again.
I was fifty-one years old. And scared out of my tree. I have never lived alone, ever, and wasn’t sure I could support myself or how I was going to live.
My Journey out of Despair
After I left my relationship I delved into the world of personal development. I needed to get my hands on things that were going to help me improve my life. I read eBooks and self-help blogs and watched YouTube videos by some of the greatest people on earth (Les Brown, Tony Robbins, Lisa Nichols, etc.)
I had hundreds of Post-it notes with motivational quotes and sayings taped all over my tiny apartment. I read them aloud every chance I could. I had a lot of healing to do and was willing to do whatever I had to do in order to heal.
I was broken, empty, and numb and I knew I had a purpose here on earth—and it wasn’t to be miserable for the rest of my life. I was not interested in subscribing to that life anymore.
And then something wonderful happened….
I Found Home in a Homeless Shelter
One day I was having a conversation with someone I had just met, and they told me they volunteered at the homeless shelter and how amazing it was.
I was all ears then. I wanted to know who, what, where, when, and why. All of it.
The next day I found myself there applying to become a volunteer. And suddenly I had something to look forward to that took me out of my misery, helped me to forget my troubles, and opened my eyes to a whole new world.
The volunteering gig, I soon discovered, was a huge part of my healing journey. I had no idea how my whole world was about to change simply by feeding homeless people dinner twice a month.
I fell in love with these people. Each and every one of these broken, lost souls filled my heart with immense joy. It was here that all my troubles disappeared and my heart opened up.
The more I helped, the happier I became, and I suddenly realized what my purpose was in life. It was right here with the poor, the broken, the helpless, and the hungry.
Fast Forward to 2014
Every day I became stronger and happier. I started falling in love with Iva. I found a new Iva. One who had something to look forward to. A woman who, once broken and beaten, was coming alive and had a zest for life.
One year after I started volunteering at the homeless shelter, I became team captain and was there almost daily.
But part of me still wanted more. I wanted to help more on a personal level and somewhere poverty, homelessness, and malnutrition was prevalent. I drifted back to my dream of going to Central America and suddenly had a major a-ha moment.
If I could just find a way to support myself down there, I could go. Once again, I delved into the personal development world but this time with a different goal in mind. I was going to learn how to become a freelance writer so I could make this dream possible.
But it was two dreams now: escape Canadian winters and help the hungry.
Suddenly the Dream Became a Reality
After much research, and submitting numerous amounts of guest blogs for free, I finally found a job as a freelance writer. It took me eight months of cutting hair for nine hours a day and writing for free for three to four hours a day, but I finally did it.
In July of 2015 I resigned from my hairstyling job and had become a full-time freelance writer. The next step was to downsize, find a country in Central America, and move.
It was all happening so fast. It seemed like just yesterday I was leaving my abusive relationship, and here I was looking at third world countries to move to.
I was scared, excited, terrified, and finally happy. I had a new lease on life, and this lease didn’t just include me anymore. It was bigger than that.
But I Realized Something Very Big and Important
In October of 2015 I landed in Guatemala with two suitcases on a one-way ticket. I was terrified but knew I had to be here.
I found organizations that needed help and found families on my own that I helped independently. I helped people on the streets, bought lunch for the young shoeshine boys, and sent kids to school.
I loved life in the third world. It was simple, people were beautiful, and I was finally happy and at peace with my past and the traumatic life I had lived.
That’s when I realized one very important thing: When we help others, we help ourselves. Through helping others we create deep connections, which helps prevent depression; we find a renewed sense of purpose; and, research shows, we reduce our stress level and boost our happiness.
I realized that volunteering was the best thing I could have ever done for myself during my healing journey.
When we take ourselves out of our own heads and lives and put ourselves in a place that not only rocks our comfort zone but gives us a chance to serve others, that’s when true healing occurs.
That doesn’t have to mean moving to a third-world country or making any major changes. It can be as simple as volunteering for an hour once a week, or even once a month—or even just helping friends and neighbors in need.
We heal by helping others. By bringing joy to others. And by sharing our stories of change, courage, and bravery.
It’s four years later and I’m still in Guatemala, still helping and still growing personally. I don’t think I could ever move back to Canada. Living here has brought ridiculous joy to my life and so much love to my heart.
It’s changed me in ways I never dreamed possible. And I couldn’t be happier.
-
This Is What Draws People to Us
From Tiny Buddha contributor Maureen Cooper, who’s part of something special we have planned to kick off the New Year. More info to come soon!
-
What to Do If You Want More Purpose, Passion, and Meaning
“I don’t believe people are looking for the meaning of life as much as they are looking for the experience of being alive.” ~Joseph Campbell
Do you ever feel like there’s got to be more to life? More purpose, passion, meaning—whatever your word of choice is?
It’s happened to me twice. The first time was during the early years of my legal career, and the second time was just a few years ago (after battling an aggressive breast cancer).
Each time I craved more meaning, yet these two experiences couldn’t have been more different.
When it happened to me as a young lawyer, I didn’t know what to do.
I’d wanted to be a lawyer since I was ten years old, and there was purpose behind the choices I’d made up to that point. Decisions that had gotten me where I was, such as:
- Majoring in economics (with a business minor) in college because I wanted to be a business lawyer, and
- Choosing corporate finance law because my ability to quickly see patterns and solutions was beneficial to structuring deals.
In the early days of my career, I had a deep sense of fulfillment. But over a period of four years, that gradually changed.
I didn’t realize how bad it was until the morning I stepped off the office elevator and suddenly felt like I couldn’t breathe. I was having a panic attack.
I walked to my office, shut the door, and cried. That’s when I admitted to myself that I felt trapped in a purpose-less life that I’d worked hard to create.
And that brought questions such as: How could I have once felt passionate about this life? Had I been wrong? If not, what had changed?
After allowing my self-doubt to paralyze me from doing anything for a few months, I finally decided to do something about it.
I wrote down a laundry list of things that I didn’t like about my life, which included:
- Regularly working eighty-plus hours per week (for over a year)
- Averaging only five hours of sleep per night
- Feeling like I was easily replaceable and wasn’t making enough of an impact in the work I did
- Not having spent meaningful time with friends in over a year
- A wandering mind that was almost never present
- Snapping at my husband (a lot!) for no real reason and being sour with peers who interrupted my work
My list of woes was embarrassing, and I didn’t like who I was becoming. But it provided me with a roadmap for how to fix my problems. Moreover, it helped me recognize what purpose really is.
Up until that point, I’d been looking externally for solutions and thought that I needed to find my true calling.
The idea that purpose comes from one thing is a myth. And so is the idea that you find your purpose. You don’t find it; you create purpose in life by:
- using your strengths to make an impact (in an enjoyable way),
- aligning your life around your core values, and
- having a sense of belonging.
Let’s talk about what these mean and how I course corrected in each area.
1. Utilizing your strengths to make an impact (in a way that’s enjoyable)
Most people understand that purpose comes (at least partially) from making an impact. But there’s more to it than that.
If you want to make an impact that’s meaningful, then you need to utilize your skills to the best of your ability (and that requires that you enjoy what you’re doing). That’s how you get and stay motivated.
My problem was that I felt like my strengths weren’t being fully utilized in the work I was doing—and that I was stuck in the same role, stagnating.
So, I asked to do more and sought out work from new people. Eventually, I changed firms to work in a different area of corporate finance that was better suited to my abilities.
2. Aligning your life around your core values
Core values are principles that make you uniquely you. They affect how you see the world around you and how you make decisions (even if you’re not consciously aware of it).
When your life doesn’t align with your values, you’ll feel like something’s missing.
One of the biggest reasons I was so unhappy was because I wasn’t living according to several of my core values. One of my values is family—not only was I not spending much time with them, but I wasn’t exactly present when I did.
Another one of my values is to connect (which, for me, means connecting deeply with those around me and to stay connected with myself). My quest to do more and work harder make that almost impossible.
I felt disconnected from family, friends, and peers alike. And my lack of sleep and high stress made it difficult to understand my own thoughts and emotions.
To fix this, I first set work boundaries and reduced my workload. Then, I prioritized self-care and time with family and friends.
3. Feeling that you belong
Having a sense of belonging is key to happiness. It brings meaning to your life.
Belonging includes feeling needed, accepted, and loved. To have a sense of belonging requires active effort on your part. It requires that you seek to connect with other people that give you a sense of belonging.
Unfortunately, the way in which we live often disconnects us from one another. We choose technology over in-person contact and hurry through life to get to the next thing.
That’s what I had been doing. I was disconnected from those who had always understood me, and even worried that they wouldn’t understand what I was going through. But how could they when I rarely saw or talked to them?
Luckily, this was fixable—the things I was already doing to better connect with family and friends helped to increase my sense of belonging. Plus, I rejoined organizations that I’d previously been too busy for (and missed).
This experience gave me a blueprint to follow for life.
One that helped me figure out why I craved more meaning in life after battling breast cancer (turns out that how I defined one of my core values—service—had changed). But the second time was different because I was confident that I could figure it out.
It’s easy to get caught up in society’s expectations while climbing the ladder of success that’s set before you. Don’t let that happen, as you’ll likely lose yourself.
Instead, use the blueprint above to help you create a life that’s meaningful to you.
