Tag: wisdom
-
How to Open Your Eyes and Make the Most of Life
“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.” ~Marcel Proust
I was asleep for the first thirty-two years of my life. I was jolted awake when my daughter was born unable to sustain her own breath.
I sat beside her in the NICU helplessly every day for three months, unable to hold or feed her due to her fragility. I watched as she endured two surgeries before six weeks of age.
She was diagnosed with a rare muscular disease that required significant medical intervention and around-the-clock nursing care. In those first few months following her birth, the picture of the life I had painted with its carefully selected colors and images, began to bleed into unrecognizable shapes around me. This was my awakening.
Awakening happens when the veil drops away and we discover we have very little, if any, control over what happens outside of ourselves.
It’s easy to believe in the fallacy of control when things go according to our predetermined plan. It’s much harder when things do not align with the image we have painted for ourselves. When we don’t get the promotion we have worked so hard for, the lover we have pined for, or the healthy child we always dreamed of. What happens to our happiness when we attach ourselves to these external outcomes?
Before my awakening my self-worth was tied to the success of my career, the balance of my bank account, and whether others approved of my life and my choices. I had to take a close look at myself and dive deep. What was my heart telling me? I broke open.
I left a marriage and a job that I had let define me for over a decade. I pursued a path of practicing and teaching yoga. I learned to appreciate the many gifts and lessons my daughter offered me each day. I watched her overcome physical limitations and grow to become a beautiful, sweet, and sassy little girl, full of humor and enthusiasm for life.
Every day she would wake up and exclaim “I’m so excited!” Whether it was school, errands or a stroll through the park, she saw the beauty of each moment.
We can never fully realize our potential if we are too stuck in tunnel vision to see the vast expansiveness of possibilities that exist.
What if not getting that promotion leads us to our true passion? Or that unrequited love creates space to meet our soul partner? Or the disabled child we did not plan for wakes us up to the things in life that truly matter?
If we’re consumed by our idea of what we want our life to be, or we wallow in disappointment when things don’t go to plan, we close ourselves off from all the blessings that lie before us.
How can we expand our own perception of reality and surrender to our path?
1. Stop blaming.
Every decision you have or have not made has led you exactly where you are. So often we play the blame game with accusations of “this is their fault” or “they made me feel this way.”
Though we may have been victims in the past, and we didn’t get to choose our circumstances as kids, as adults we are responsible for our own emotions and circumstances. When we choose to no longer hold a victim mindset, we are empowered to take the reins of our own life and make choices in line with our highest path.
2. Focus on the now.
When we put our energy into thoughts of past regrets or future fears, we often suffer anxiety or depression. When we shift our thoughts to the present moment, we tune into the blessings that are happening right now. Yoga and meditation are great tools for practicing presence. The more we remain present with each moment as it comes, the less fear and anxiety we experience.
3. Connect to nature.
Nature heals. It’s that simple. Go outside. Put your bare feet on the Earth. Dig your hands in the dirt. Climb a tree. Look at the star-filled sky. Learn from the reliability and consistency of nature. The sun always rises and sets each day. The seasons change without fail. These truths remind us of the divine timing of everything, and we too are a part of this universal tapestry.
4. Connect with a friend.
We are social creatures. We crave connection—whether it’s FaceTime or face to face. While it is often necessary to go inward, sometimes what we need is to get out of our own head and spend time connecting with a close friend. Practice complete presence. Laugh and be silly. Cry and be vulnerable. Be real. Engage in friendships where you can show up exactly as you are, without judgment. Choose interactions and connections that leave you feeling lighter.
5. Give to others.
Often when we feel sorry for ourselves, the best way to get out of our “woe is me” space is to do something kind for someone else. There are so many ways we can give back to others or to the community. Get involved in charitable work. Send a care package to a loved one. Send your energy into something that creates a shift from your own perceived problems to helping those around you.
6. Live with purpose.
Engage in work that lights you up. You may already have a career that’s driven by passion and purpose. Or perhaps you have a side gig or hobby that fills you up. It could be drawing or playing music, teaching, or coaching others. Say yes to things that bring you joy and a sense of purpose. Say no to things that drain your spirit, unless they’re responsibilities you can’t neglect, and it will be much easier to find time, even if only small windows.
7. Establish a daily gratitude practice.
Gratitude is a daily choice. We can focus on what is missing or we can choose to focus on the blessings right before us. Put pen to paper. It can be something small, like a morning cup of coffee, or something more grandiose, like the ability to love and be loved. Focus your energy on what you are grateful and shift from a mindset of lack to one of abundance.
—
Waking up is a process that unfolds the moment we decide to relinquish control and surrender to the flow of life.
I was asked again to surrender when my daughter passed away at the age of four. Even with deep grief and loss in my heart, her memory floods me with so much light that it is impossible to go back to sleep. Every time I feel sorry for myself or worry about things outside of my control, all I have to do is think of her. Her life illuminated my own path to self-love and surrender.
The more we trust our own path, the more peacefully we can navigate our way through this world. In each moment we can choose gratitude over disappointment, love over hate, abundance over lack, and trust over fear. Through these daily choices our original painting will transform into a landscape more magnificent than we ever could have dreamed of.
What are you not seeing because you are seeing what you are seeing? Are you ready to awaken to the illuminated path that is unfolding right before you? All you have to do is open your eyes.
-
How to Gently Coax Yourself Out of Your Comfort Zone
“Everything you ever wanted is one step outside your comfort zone.” ~Unknown
We’ve all seen this quote or similar ones. All the magic, growth, and transformation seem to happen there. Not everything that happens outside the comfort zone is magical, though. So, when we go wandering, leaving the safe shores, we also need to be realistic and aware that mixed in with the good, there’s also potential pain and discomfort waiting for us.
Being aware of this, how can we still motivate ourselves to try something new and to step outside our comfort zone?
On the one hand, I love variety and I easily get bored. On the other hand, I am also risk-averse and easily scared. The latter doesn’t exactly lend itself to living the great adventures of life, whereas the former often acts as a motivating kick up my backside.
I am also a very rational, analytical person. I can quickly see the benefits of doing something. But I also deeply dislike feeling uncomfortable. Thus, while I can see that it makes sense to do something, I prefer to avoid voluntarily putting myself in a position that I KNOW will make me feel uncomfortable.
With this in mind, let me give you a few examples from my life of where I left my comfort zone.
I used to be very shy. My mum would tell me that in kindergarten, I didn’t speak to anyone. While I did start speaking to others, my shyness continued all throughout school—and still, somehow, I ended up studying abroad.
I will always remember sitting on the plane, crying my eyes out, wondering why on earth I was doing this to myself. How was I ever going to make friends? How would I pass my exams in a foreign language? It honestly was completely out of character for me, and it ended up being the best decision ever.
For my third year at uni, I chose to spend the year in France. And that decision came so much more easily based on my previous decision to come to the UK.
A decade later, I was offered a promotion at work. To a job I literally had no relevant experience for. I knew that it included a lot of tasks that I despised, and just the thought of them made me very uncomfortable (sales and networking, to name just two).
As you may guess, I said yes. And again, it proved to be an excellent move for me. I learned so much, and while it was challenging, I remember thinking that I had never before enjoyed a job this much.
By now I have lost count of how many times I quit a job without having had another one to start straightaway. In fact, often, I didn’t even have the faintest idea what I wanted to do next.
Growing up, I was taught how important it was to be financially independent. I’ve had many different jobs since my early teens and saved most of that money. Giving up a secure financial income was a huge step for me. Especially since it wasn’t that I was mobbed or close to a burnout or that anything else horrible had happened. I simply had come to the conclusion that I no longer wanted to do the job in question.
I am using these examples to demonstrate how change is always possible, and how pushing yourself out of your comfort zone can often prove to be the best decision you’ll ever make.
One option is to jump in at the deep end. But I appreciate that this can feel impossible at times. I want to share some tricks that have helped me over the years and that enabled me with all of the above examples. I believe they can help make that transition in a gentler way.
1. No comparison and no judgment
From the moment we are born the comparison starts, and it continues all throughout school (school reports) and into work (appraisals).
Social media does its bit to remind us of other people’s achievements, and we might feel like we are not measuring up to what society expects from us. This might lead us to either a) set unrealistic goals for ourselves or b) give up before we even started.
Please remind yourself that everyone’s comfort zone looks different. What is easy for you might be a challenge for somebody else, and vice versa.
Be honest with yourself and figure out what it is you want to work toward, and not what you think others expect of you.
What really matters to you? Setting an objective that feels worthwhile to you will make all the difference and will keep you motivated even throughout the lows that are often inevitable.
2. Baby steps
We all know that every journey begins with a first step. How about you make that a teeny, tiny baby step? Cause that isn’t so scary, is it? Seriously, start small. Even tiny baby steps, taken one after the other (and feel free to rest in between), will eventually lead you to your goal.
Not only are baby steps considerably less scary, they will also help you to keep going. If you are trying to make huge leaps, it is more likely that you will run out of steam quickly and/or get frustrated because it’s so hard.
Break it down. And then break it down some more. Remind yourself that you are making progress. It might not be visible to others yet, but you can see it.
3. Say yes now and figure out the rest later.
This is probably the tactic I use the most. When I first started in event management, I got invited to speak at a conference. It terrified me. But rationally I knew it made a lot of sense to say yes to this opportunity. For myself as well as the company I worked for at the time.
It was a no-brainer really—if it wasn’t for my fear of embarrassing myself on a stage. It was still four months or so to go until the event took place. So, I said yes. My reasoning was that I would either have it figured out by then or, in the worst case, pull out (I didn’t, and it went well despite me still being pretty terrified and hardly getting any sleep the night before.).
If something excites you but also terrifies you, how about you say yes to it right now? Trust that you will work out the details over time. That you can ask for help and support. Or indeed that you can always change your mind. But don’t let the opportunity slip away.
4. Worst-case scenario planning
Let’s be honest: You are indulging in worst-case scenario planning anyway. You might as well do it deliberately and mindfully. What really is the worst that could possibly happen? Chances are, it’s not all that bad.
Doing this will help you realize that even if things don’t go as hoped, you will be okay. And it also helps with putting measures in place to avoid some of the more likely scenarios you are trying to avoid. So many wins in that one!
5. Can you feel it?
Now that you’ve indulged your pessimistic side, it’s time to refocus on the positive. Stepping outside your comfort zone is not something you do just for the sake of it, but because you long for something that is out there. Your famous WHY.
Why is this even your objective? What’s your motivation? Who are you striving to become? What are you hoping to achieve? And once you get there, how is it going to make you feel?
Go all in and visualize the hell out of this! Close your eyes and imagine having already achieved it. Really feel it with all its glorious consequences. It’s that feeling and that fire that will help you make the next step. Remind yourself regularly of what it is you are after.
6. Getting others on board
I accepted promotions in the past partly because my superiors offered me help in the transition. You don’t have to go it all alone. You are not getting brownie points for NOT asking for help.
Check in with yourself: Is your pride in the way? Is there a part of you that thinks the achievement will be better, more valuable if you do it all by yourself?
There are certainly times when you will benefit from doing things yourself. But if it’s a question of not doing it at all or doing it with the help of others, surely the choice is clear?
Surround yourself with people who inspire you. And make use of the wisdom they have to share. Chances are, people have done what you are trying to do now, in some form. There’s no need to reinvent the wheel.
7. Be your own role model.
In an attempt not to be labeled as arrogant, it seems that we have gone too far the other way. We often practice self-deprecation instead of shining a light on our strengths and achievements. But let’s face it; you can’t have made it this far without having learned, grown, and stretched yourself.
Can you name your strengths? Do you have a list of your achievements? What are you proud of?
If you are finding these questions difficult to answer, I strongly recommend taking some time to think about them. And as highlighted above: this is YOUR list. No judgment, no comparison, no diminishing of what you perceive as your achievements just because you think society, your family, or friends don’t value them.
With all of that present, can you now see how you can be your own role model? What are the strengths that helped you reach those goals in the past? How can you harness them for your current project?
8. Expectations and acceptance
It goes without saying that leaving your comfort zone is unlikely to be plain sailing. We might experience setbacks, frustrations, and stress, and ultimately, we might not even reach our goal. All of that is human. Don’t let this deter you from trying.
Redefine what success and failure look like. The outcome might be different from your expectations, but you will have learned something along the way. At the very least you will have gained resilience.
Accept the discomfort. Be realistic about what the journey looks like and expect some detours. It’s all part of it, and I believe that the biggest disappointment arises from things not going as planned.
So, what changes when you are detaching from the outcome, when you practice acceptance of whatever happens, all the while knowing that you can handle whatever comes your way?
9. Reward yourself
This is my favorite part! Reward yourself for reaching milestones, which can be as small or big as you like. Do whatever you need to motivate yourself on this journey. Take a break, get some rest, adjust the plan, get more help. But most of all, acknowledge what you have already achieved. Congratulate yourself even just on the decision to make a change.
10. Practice makes perfect.
This is not a myth but a fact: It really gets easier over time. At the very least, with every experience, you will have more on your list of achievements to celebrate (step 7), right?
While it gets easier, it doesn’t mean that the experience itself will be pain-free or more comfortable. Trust me, any speaking engagement still makes me really nervous! But having done it once, I know I can do it again. Your self-confidence will make all the difference. Your belief that you will be able to handle it will grow.
—
Life is short. It’s my belief that we are put on this earth to make a wide range of experiences. You are limiting yourself if you aren’t prepared to step outside your comfort zone. And I really do believe that you are missing out.
I also believe that it helps not to take ourselves too seriously. Very often, the consequence we fear the most is embarrassing ourselves should our plans not work out. When you think about this more deeply, though, are you really going to let potential gossip stop you from going after your dreams? And as I like a good, cheesy quote, let me end with this one:
“What if I fall? Oh, but my darling what if you fly?” ~Erin Hanson
-
For People Who Look in the Mirror and Cringe
“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.” ~Brené Brown
When I was fourteen years old, I vividly remember the first time I put my fingers down my throat and made myself puke.
I remember feeling fat, ugly, unworthy, and like I was not good enough. I felt as if I had no control and I was unable to effectively process the strong emotions I was feeling. Binging and purging allowed me to temporarily release these feelings, to numb them out, and created a fallacy of control in my life.
From that day on, for the next twelve years of my life, I became consumed with food, weight, working out, and binging and purging.
I measured my value based on the inches on the measuring tape, the letters on my clothes, and the numbers on the scale.
I measured my self-worth on the severely skewed perceptions of beauty that I held.
The way I viewed myself led me down a lifestyle of numbing my emotions with substances, putting myself in risky situations, and hurting the people I loved most.
My self-hatred kept me blocked off, emotionally numb, and gave me a false sense of control in my life. I became adept at constantly wearing a façade of masks—smearing a smile on my face was second nature to hide the ugliness and shame that I felt in every pore of my body.
And although over the years I have overcome my disordered eating, the battle with self-love continues. I sometimes wonder if I will ever be able to silence the constant push and pull from the internal thought patterns and dialogue that goes on in my head.
The one thing that gives me some solace (and sadness) is knowing I am not alone.
Because, no matter your age, gender, race, family make-up, or religion, the majority of us struggle with some sort of skewed self-image, negative self-talk, and self-limiting beliefs that keep us stuck in the perpetual cycle of questioning our worthiness.
Although the stories we tell ourselves based on our personal life experiences, traumas, and joys are unique to us, they are collective to the human experience.
This post is for anyone who looks in the mirror and cringes…
Who cry as they measure their self-worth by the letters on their clothes, the numbers on the scale, or the amount of “likes” they get on social media…
Who judge themselves for the jiggle of their bellies, the cellulite on their legs, or the wrinkles on their face…
Who take out their perceived inadequacies on their bodies, harming it through their method of choice—substances, eating disorders, self-harm, risky behaviors.
This post is for the women who are researching the next fad diet, fretting about the color of their roots, their wrinkles, or their weight as they contemplate spending their savings on cosmetic surgery trying to live up to society’s filtered expectations of how a woman “should” look.
For the men who are measuring their masculinity based on the size of their penis, the look of their muscles, or the hair on their heads.
For the transgendered and Cis community who feel trapped in a body that is not aligned with the essence of their true being.
For the people who refuse to look in a mirror, fearful of what they may see.
For the people who feel like they will never be good enough, strong enough, or worthy enough.
I want you to know: You are beautiful enough. You are good enough. You are worthy enough.
I know if you are reading this right now, you may be skimming over those words thinking “yeah, yeah.”
But slow down and read them again.
You. Are. Beautiful.
You. Are. Good. Enough.
You. Are. Worthy. Enough.
No matter your age, size of your pants, number of dimples or pimples you have. No matter the size of your muscles, the hair on your head or the wrinkles in your skin.
You matter.
Your life matters.
The world needs your essence. Your love. Your personality. Your spirit. Your uniqueness.
In a world where we are inundated with an average of 6,000 to 10,000 advertisements a day telling us how we should look, how we should live our lives, and who we should be, in a world where social media is a filtered lens skewing reality, allowing only glimpses into the realities of others’ lives, it can be easy to add fuel to the fire of self-deprecating thoughts and feelings of unworthiness.
What I learned from my personal struggle with body image, self-hate, and pure distain for every inch of my being, is that self-love is going to look different for everyone, and it is going to take time to undo the decades of self-deprecating self-talk.
But it can be done.
The rise of body-positivity and self-love movement is encouraging, yet it can also leave you feeling as if it is one more thing you are failing at because you just can’t bring yourself to fully embrace those lumps, bumps, tiger stripes, pimples, and dimples just yet.
Through my experience I have found if you start small and give yourself grace and compassion you can start shifting your mindset around how you view yourself. Below are the steps I took in my journey that you may find helpful for your own journey.
Do the deeper work.
Begin to understand how your subconscious mind and self-imposed limiting beliefs from your personal experiences are keeping you stuck. Neuroscience shows us that we can reprogram our subconscious beliefs. Start being the scientist of your life and figure out where these feeling come from so you can start becoming aware of them. The first step in changing any habit/belief is awareness.
Start small.
Focus on the features you love about yourself. The first body part I started liking was my fingernails. Yes, my fingernails. But as I got used to saying I loved my fingernails I moved on to other body parts and kept the snowball going.
View your body as your partner, not your enemy.
This body does so much for you day in and day out. Shift into a perspective of gratitude for all the amazing things it does. Those thighs help you walk, that belly processes nutrients to fuel you, those wrinkles are proof of years of love, life, and wisdom. Start using the holistic healing powers of your breath. Begin partnering with your body on how you can help each other.
Do an inventory of your strengths.
If this is hard for you to do, then reach out to someone you love and ask them to tell you, in writing, what they love about you or see as your strengths. Seriously, this is scary. I get it because I did it. And I am so grateful I did. I reached out to three of my closest friends and family members and asked them what they saw in me. I did this over eight years ago and still have these letters taped in my journal so that I can read in times when I cannot see what they see.
Consciously choose to focus on what gets you excited in life.
It is so easy to waste our valuable time comparing our lives to others, focusing on what we hate about ourselves, or getting stuck in the perpetual cycle of negative self-talk. Instead, consciously choose to chase your curiosity.
Have you ever set intentions for your year or your life? Setting intentions is one of the most powerful tips I adopted when I began my self-love journey, as it allowed me to focus on the bigger picture of who I wanted to be, how I wanted to show up each day, where I wanted my life to go, and what my definition of happiness truly looked like.
Can you imagine how much passion, happiness, and love we would exude into the world if we were able to switch out the time we spend putting ourselves down into building ourselves up?
We would change the world.
You truly are so much more powerful that you know.
-
How I Survived Suicidal Thoughts When I Really Wanted to Die
**If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts now, please consider speaking with a trained professional through the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, at 1-800-273-TALK.
“Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.” ~Lucius Annaeus Seneca
When I was twenty-four my best friend died suddenly in a car accident. She was like a sister to me, so this plunged me into a deep depression. I had struggled with depression since I was about fourteen, but it became much worse after she passed away.
At times suicide honestly seemed like the best possible solution to what I felt like I knew was going to be another fifty years of sadness. I wasn’t depressed every day, and there were weeks and months when it seemed like things were getting better. But the depression always seemed to come back and it was wearing me down.
Despair
In Andrew Solomon’s book The Noonday Demon, he states that it is easier to convince a schizophrenic person that their delusions aren’t real than it is to convince a depressed and suicidal person that life is worth living.
“You don’t think in depression that you’ve put on a gray veil and are seeing the world through the haze of a bad mood. You think that the veil has been taken away, the veil of happiness, and that now you’re seeing truly.”
This sums up exactly how I felt. I needed others to have hope for me when I didn’t have any. I was lucky to have a great support network of family, friends, and professionals. I had a doctor and an amazing therapist who helped a lot.
I read everything I could on depression and sought out people who were going through similar things. It made me feel less alone to be able to talk openly about the darkness I was experiencing. I craved authenticity. The support I received kept me alive and gradually I started to heal.
Hope
As I write this, I haven’t been clinically depressed in two years now. I am blessed with so much love, purpose, and happiness. If I had ended my life back then I would never have met my amazing partner, become a counselor, or seen my nieces grow up.
I couldn’t skip those painful years, but I wish I knew that things would turn out okay, that I could recover, and that life could be worth living. What I’m saying is, give time a chance to heal you, give life a chance to get better. You will have to fight for it, but it can happen.
Hope is such a powerful thing, and suicide is the ultimate state of hopelessness. If you can connect with a suicidal person’s hopelessness but also hold and communicate your hope for them, that is a huge gift. They may not thank you at the time, but one day they might. It could be the thing that gets them through that night.
The Secret We Keep
Suicide is a lot more common than people realize. One in five people experience thoughts of not wanting to be alive at some point in their lifetime, but it’s not socially acceptable to admit to this. We walk around thinking we’re the only one and must be totally crazy when right next to us someone else might be thinking the same thing.
It makes sense that when we are suffering our brain looks for ways out, especially if we feel like we are a burden to others because of our suffering. Usually we can dismiss this as a bad idea, an extreme and permanent solution to our problems.
But what if the suffering doesn’t seem to be ending? What if the pain just goes on and on and you can’t take it anymore?
The Ones You Leave Behind
If you are deeply depressed, you may think you are just putting an end to your suffering by ending your life, but you are actually just passing it on to the people who know and love you. It is estimated that fifteen to thirty people are severely affected by each person’s suicide. They are left with questions of “What did I do wrong?” “What did I miss?” “What could I have done?” The people left behind are also at a higher risk of suicide.
This is painful to hear when you are desperate for an escape. I don’t mean to guilt trip anyone. But instead of passing on this pain to others you could try and channel it into something positive. Even if that is just your own recovery and survival.
Some of the greatest creatives and altruists are people who have known deep pain. It was their experiences that prepared them and allowed them to create something good in the world. We are all going to die eventually, so if you do nothing else in this life, do your best with all the years life gives you.
Grief
I was at a conference recently and the facilitator, a therapist who specializes in working with people bereaved by suicide, told a story. She was walking along the street when a woman almost accidentally stepped out in front of the traffic. The therapist was too far away to grab the lady so instead she yelled out “Don’t leave us!”
This story brought tears to my eyes. It reminded me of the loss that people feel when they lose someone, especially to suicide. I think of the pain that I felt when my best friend died, the absolute grief, and then I imagine how much worse it would have been if she had died by suicide. I am so glad I did not successfully inflict that on my family.
Safety Planning
I suspect many are feeling suicidal right now, given that we’ve all been isolated, some with mental health issues and no support; others trapped with their abusers; others still feeling overwhelmed by financial struggle. If you’ve been feeling suicidal the first thing I would suggest is telling someone. It could be a friend, a family member, a therapist or a helpline.
I know this can be scary. You might be worried they will think you’re crazy or rush you off to hospital. I can’t say for sure what will happen, but I can say that if you pick someone good, they will most likely ask you some questions and try to come up with a plan to keep you safe while you feel this way.
Be clear with what you are thinking and feeling. There is a big difference between feeling that you don’t want to be alive sometimes and planning to end your life. It’s all important and it’s okay to talk about it. If the first person doesn’t respond well, that’s okay; tell someone else. There are good people out there.
Maybe you are reading this and thinking that no one would care if you died, and your family wouldn’t miss you. Well, someone would. Maybe someone you haven’t even met yet. Someone who will never get to meet a person just like you. You are completely unique, and no one can replace you. Please don’t leave us.
**If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts now, please consider speaking with a trained professional through the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, at 1-800-273-TALK.
-
What You Need to Know Before You Start or Quit Meditating
“Many paths lead from the foot of the mountain, but at the peak we all gaze at the single bright moon.” ~Ikkyu
I was the kid who didn’t like to sleep. In nursery school, I would pretend to be asleep at nap time, while the other kids were sleeping. I’ve always thought life was full of exciting things to explore and learn, and I didn’t want to sleep through it.
So, it shouldn’t surprise you that traditional meditation didn’t sit well with me (pun intended). I remember my Buddhist grandmother chanting and meditating twice a day. Yet I never had any interest in mantra meditation until I was in my forties. I thought it was boring, and I didn’t have the patience to sit still.
Meditation helps to lower stress, improve concentration, and increase emotional intelligence. It helps to connect you with your subconscious—also referred to as higher self, intuition, or inner self. There are two concepts to understand before you embark (or disembark) on your journey:
1. There are many ways to meditate.
Just as there isn’t one correct religion for everyone, there isn’t one correct way to meditate. There are hundreds of ways to reach a meditative state.
As a teenager, I experienced an altered state sometimes when I played the piano. Even though piano playing isn’t recognized as a meditation, I knew I was in a meditative state. It felt like my brain was producing more alpha waves, which is what happens with some types of meditation.
My fingers felt nimble. I released my emotions into my playing. Everything seemed to flow. I wasn’t thinking—it was as if my higher self or intuition commanded my fingers.
When doing repetitive chores such as washing the dishes, sometimes I would zone out. It seemed contradictory to zone out while zooming in to focus on the act of washing the dishes. This was my first exposure to mindfulness.
In my twenties, I started learning tai chi and yoga. Iyengar yoga bored me. I enjoyed Ashtanga yoga, also known as Power yoga, but didn’t feel meditative doing it. It felt like an intense stretching class for me.
Likewise, with tai chi, which made me feel like I was doing choreography in slow-mo, but I didn’t feel an altered state. In fact, I studied tai chi for about three years and never felt chi energy. Yet in my first reiki class, I felt the chi. Go figure.
Meanwhile, I was a Polynesian (mostly Tahitian and Hawaiian) dancer. Unlike with tai chi and yoga, I experienced a variety of meditative states when dancing.
High energy dancing to live Tahitian drumming felt like a shamanic meditation of primal energy. Dancing to traditional hula chants felt like a spiritual combination of mantra and moving meditations.
Modern hula songs are usually about love or nature. Dancing about love was an emotion-releasing meditation. Dancing about nature felt like a spiritual nature meditation without being outdoors.
After ten years of Polynesian solo dances, I switched to Latin partner dances such as salsa and Argentine tango.
Improvised, non-choreographed social dancing is enormously fun! It makes me completely focused on the present moment. I get into a meditative state and feel creative and playful.
Dance leaders can’t be as completely in the moment as I can as a follower. They have to think a few microseconds ahead. After all, they’re “driving.”
My favorite partners create with me and give me the space to express myself. They don’t dictate all the moves and try to control me like a puppet.
I imagine that musicians feel a similar flow when they’re jamming spontaneously. In fact, when I dance to live music, the musicians and I often feed off of each other.
They play music that inspires me to dance a certain way. In turn, the energy I give off inspires them. It’s a win-win feedback loop!
When I dance Brazilian samba, even dancing to recorded music can make me feel high. Likewise, African drumming has a shamanic trance energy. I was doing ecstatic dance meditation before I knew there was a name for it.
Going back to mainstream forms of meditation, I’ve taught mindfulness in health education classes. As a communication coach, I’ve taught breathing meditation to help clients relieve public speaking anxiety. I’ve even taught meditation to help develop assertiveness in my ESL (English as a Second Language) students.
In short, there are many ways to get into a meditative state. Don’t let anyone convince you that their method is the only correct way. You may find more than one way that works for you.
2. Don’t judge yourself.
Meditation helps you pay attention to your subconscious and intuition. Yet, paying attention isn’t enough. Your inner self also has to feel comfortable enough to share its thoughts with you.
Your subconscious voice has probably been suppressed for years. As if you were earning the trust of a shy child or a skittish animal, you have to be gentle and kind with yourself.
Don’t judge your thoughts or feelings. Acknowledge and accept them without judgment. They are what they are.
Being critical of yourself counteracts the benefits of meditation. Don’t agonize over how you look when you’re doing yoga. Don’t beat yourself up if you lose track of the number of repetitions you’ve chanted.
Don’t focus on playing the right notes or dancing the right moves. When you relax, you will be more likely to enter a state of meditative flow.
Most importantly, don’t ever feel that you’re doing a meditation wrong. Or feel that a meditative activity isn’t a “real” meditation because it hasn’t been codified and practiced for thousands of years. If grooming your cat or brushing your dog with a flea comb puts both of you into a meditative state, it’s legit.
Listen to your inner self for guidance on what kind of meditation you feel like doing and when you want to do it. Trust that your inner self knows what’s best for you.
-
Why I Appreciate Simple Things in Life After The Coronavirus
“It’s not a bad idea to occasionally spend a little time thinking about things you take for granted. Plain everyday things.” ~Evan Davis
Let me go back in time. Not too long, but only six months ago when the virus outbreak hadn’t occurred yet. I was cursing the traffic, complaining the beer in a bar was not chilled enough, and hating that the supermarket next to my house did not have my favorite deodorant.
Soon after, due to the global pandemic, my country was under lockdown like many others. When I was indoors, I realized how beautiful and blessed I was to have the life which I otherwise assumed was regular and usual. Little did I know that I was taking things for granted and complaining about the most trivial problems.
When I look back now, I notice many special areas of life whose importance I failed to understand earlier.
1. Freedom
I had the choice to go wherever I wished and do whatever I wanted. As long as I did not do anything illegal or break any rules, of course.
I had the freedom to live life like I wanted to. No holds barred, and no questions asked. It was my life and my choice.
Yet, if I had to drive too far, I would whine about the miles I had to cover. During the lockdown, I needed a valid reason to travel that distance and face cops who most certainly wouldn’t allow me to get there.
Staying indoors has taught me that losing control of the fundamental aspects of your life makes you uncomfortable. These are the things we consider usual and expected. We only realize the value of them when they vanish.
2. Comfort
Life and technology have evolved by leaps and bounds over the years. In fact, life today is drastically different from what it was a decade ago. Back then, you needed to carry a digital camera for photos, self-driving cars hadn’t hit the road yet, and group messages were not even a thing.
Now, we enjoy so many benefits from the comfort of our couch. You can order food, get your car washed, or send a package to your friend without stepping outside your front door. When the delivery executive arrived ten minutes late, I would mentally curse the company for making me wait.
During the lockdown, I would wait a whole day for the same service. The comfort of technology and the services various businesses provide are priceless.
3. Variety
I had a hard time picking vegetables. I would roll my eyes saying, “Someone needs to produce new vegetables. I can’t eat the same all the time.” That was despite having a large variety in the supermarket. I wanted something fresh and new.
The same applied for the cereals I bought, the restaurants I dined at, or the shopping mall I visited. I had enough of the cereals that seemed to taste the same. I was fed up with the restaurants in the vicinity of my house. I wanted other shopping options than the usual mall next door.
I would travel an extra distance to add variety in my life. During the lockdown, I did not even have the privilege of relishing the usual options.
The more variety we have, the more we crave. Desire is like a treadmill running on infinite electricity. It never comes to an end.
4. The fun outside
No matter which city you live in, you have umpteen opportunities to have fun and relax. I had the option to watch any movie I like, go bowling no matter how bad I was at it, or enjoy the adrenaline of a kart race.
Even though I had very many ways to have fun, I compared my city with others. I complained, “Damn, my city has no options to enjoy nature. I have to go miles away for a trek.”
When I was locked in and resorting to board games, I realize how fun-filled my city actually is.
5. The human interaction
When I went out with a large group, it would take a toll on me. Being an introvert, I preferred only a certain level of interaction. Beyond that, I would choose to be by myself than socialize. The smiles seemed artificial, and the handshakes appeared unnecessary.
Today, when I come across a passerby, the smile lies hidden behind the mask, and a handshake is out of the question. Earlier, we called the people around us a “crowd,” today we call our situation “isolation.”
The memes on the internet, which say that introverts feel no difference locked indoors, aren’t true. Both introverts or extroverts need at least some form of interaction to feel connected with the rest of the world.
6. The power of teams
Before, whenever we had to solve a problem at work, we would gather in a room and exchange ideas. Many complex issues found a solution because human beings can improve on each other’s thoughts to reach the desired outcome.
Today, facilitating such a conversation is a nightmare. Video conferencing tools provide a viable workaround for one on one discussions and team meetings where everyone shares updates. But they cannot replace a bunch of smart people sitting in a real room discussing ideas at tandem.
Moreover, teams who see each other every day, gel along better. The physical presence creates a bond beyond just work relationships. It is the strength of such bonds that facilitates organizations to achieve massive goals.
I realize the power of teams, even more today when they cannot operate like they used to.
7. The giant web of economy
The economy is like a huge castle constructed of many individual Lego blocks. When you take one out, you feel no difference. Take another out, still not too big of a pinch. Take a few more out, and the entire structure collapses into mayhem.
Different parts of the economy are interdependent, even if they do not seem apparent. Shutting down public transport left many people unemployed and unable to earn their daily wages. A lack of transportation implied goods couldn’t flow freely. As a result, we did not have all the supplies in your supermarket.
Every contributor to the economy helps it remain steady. When everything runs well, you don’t notice their contribution. When a few portions break, you understand their role in keeping the whole structure stable together.
The Lessons I Learned from the Lockdown
The past weeks of the lockdown have taught me some invaluable lessons I will remember for the rest of my life.
1. Enjoy the present.
I have targeted gigantic goals for a long time. As a result, my eyes are always on the future, and each day is a grind to get there.
But the world around you is full of things to relish, cherish, and enjoy in the present. I am not saying you must stop chasing your goals and enjoy today alone. I will continue pursuing goals like before, and so should you. But while you are on this journey, don’t forget to pause and experience the happiness around you.
Don’t lose the sense of the present by solely focusing on the future.
2. You feel the pain only when something is missing.
Some of the things of your day to day life seem normal and expected. For example:
- You expect to find all you need in a supermarket
- You expect the pizza to arrive within thirty minutes
- You expect the mechanic to show up and fix your broken vehicle
Over time, such expectations make you lose the value of little things in life. Don’t take such things for granted. You never know why and how they can be snatched away from you. You only feel the pain when you lose the privilege altogether.
3. Your emotions are defined by what you choose to see.
No matter who you are, what you do, and which part of the world you belong to, you always see what you want to see. If you want a reason to complain, you will find a ton of things around you that aren’t right. If you seek happiness, you will notice many parts of your life that are a reason to rejoice.
Everyone shows a common reaction when things go well. Someone gives a toast, people clink their glasses, and everyone dances to the music.
But you cannot always control the world around you to work in your favor. The market can collapse, a natural calamity can occur, or a virus outbreak can happen.
What you can control is how you respond to such calamities to stay strong. Your reaction to such mishaps is what defines you.
The global pandemic due to the coronavirus made my life harder. But, on the positive side, it has made me stronger.
“When we meet real tragedy in life, we can react in two ways—either by losing hope and falling into self-destructive habits or by using the challenge to find our inner strength. Thanks to the teachings of Buddha, I have been able to take this second way.” ~Dalai Lama
-
How to Avoid a Soul-Crushing Life Crisis
“Sometimes it takes an overwhelming breakdown to have an unbelievable breakthrough.” ~Unknown
I had hit rock bottom.
Now that means different things to different people, so let me explain what my rock bottom meant.
I’ll start with my physical health. I was underweight, about twenty-five pounds. My face looked gaunt and scrawny.
I was hypertensive, even though I was eating a healthy diet. I also had severe eczema. The itching was so bad that I woke up in the middle of the night with my legs covered in blood from the scratching.
The only thing that helped make the eczema less itchy was if my wife covered my whole body with bags of frozen peas.
On top of that, my energy was down the drain. Some weekends I would lie in bed the whole day.
My emotions were all over the place. Most nights I wept myself to sleep. I was anxious, stressed, depressed, and there were a few times that I wanted to end my life.
The only thing that kept me from doing it was the potential pain it would cause my wife and family. I couldn’t put them through it.
I was so ashamed of my state and so afraid of being judged that I completely isolated myself from all relationships. So, I lost connection with all my friends.
My work performance had also gotten so bad that my employer retrenched and took legal action against me. I can’t blame them though.
For most of my life, I had been an overachiever. Most of the time, I got what I wanted. I kept asking myself, how did I let things get so bad?
Here are a few of the lessons I’d like to share in the hope that I can help someone avoid a similar breakdown. When I started applying these lessons, I saw a massive improvement in my life.
1. Let go of control.
I have a confession: I’m a bit of a control nut. What kept me from living a fulfilled life was resisting and wanting to control the present moment, especially when it wasn’t in line with my expectations.
I would do everything in my power to either avoid the situation or change it. I discovered that whatever you resist will persist. So the more I resisted unwanted situations, the more they appeared in my life—because I hadn’t yet learned the lesson.
Eckhart Tolle wrote, “Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness.”
It took me a while to learn this way of thinking. To say I’m stubborn is an understatement. But I finally learned the secret of surrendering and going with the flow.
Resistance creates emotional turmoil that zaps you of your energy. You can even see how resistance manifests itself through your body. For example, you might frown, or tighten your chest, stomach, or shoulders. Let it go and let it be.
We humans are too shortsighted to see the long-term benefit of that supposed horrible situation we’re resisting. But trust me, in the long term, it’ll make you a better version of your old self if you embrace it and let yourself learn and grow from the experience.
2. Don’t try to do everything on your own.
Pride can kill you. It almost killed me. Not only am I stubborn, I also used to think I knew better than everyone else. That led me to want to do everything on my own because I didn’t trust anyone.
Now I’m much more trusting and can let go of a few responsibilities. I still keep my finger on the pulse, though. But instead of having too much on my plate, I know rather find someone that has the results I desire and work with them as a mentor, coach, or consultant. And that’s for all areas of my life. It’s much faster, cheaper, and less frustrating.
3. Trust your gut.
If you ignore your gut, you’ll allow people to force their will, beliefs, and opinions onto you. Your gut knows best.
It’s about building your intuition and your ability to listen to your instincts. Sometimes we know what to do, yet we avoid the situation because we’re afraid to do it or scared of the potential outcome.
If you avoid your gut for too long it will stop whispering and start shouting. Because it’s also the universe’s way of communicating with you. Telling you that you are not living life according to your highest values.
It’s cool that we have this built-in tool that can guide us throughout life. And at the same time, it’s heart-breaking that some people don’t know this or refuse to use it. Don’t be one of them.
4. Give up the “if/then” illusion.
“If I’m successful, then I’ll be happy.” I know it sounds cliché, but life is all about the journey. Because there is no destination…
There will always be a new challenge you seek. Think about it, every time you’ve reached a certain milestone you probably asked yourself, “Is this it?” And then you proceeded to chase a new goal, thinking it would give you the fulfillment you desire.
Trust me, that fulfillment never comes. Fulfillment can only be found in the present moment. The trick is to be grateful for your current blessings, however small they might be.
And also, detach from specific outcomes. Remember rule #1? Go with the flow!
Don’t make the mistake I did by saying you’ll be fulfilled when X, Y, or Z happens. The planets are never going to align. The right time is now.
5. Commit to a routine.
Routine and structure keep us sane in the face of chaos and uncertainty. There are so many things we don’t have control over. Especially the situations (sometimes unwanted) that life throws our way.
When we feel overwhelmed, the best way to ground ourselves is through a routine, including a morning routine to start your day right.
That may include exercise, meditation, journaling, visualizing your ideal future, reading a spiritual book, etc. Doing a morning routine is like exercising. You don’t always feel motivated to do it, but you will feel like a new person afterward.
6. Build a strong foundation.
I always used to chase the wrong goals (wealth, success, money) to the detriment of my physical and emotional health and my relationships.
I learned the hard way that no amount of money can buy those three things. If you don’t have them in place, you have nothing.
I see so many “successful” people making this mistake. They reach the top of the mountain without those three things and then they get depressed or even commit suicide.
Trust me, it’s not worth it. Make time for self-care—exercise, eat well, get enough sleep, get outside—and prioritize time with the people you love. Once those three foundational elements are in place, then feel free to chase the more material goals.
7. Stop chasing happiness.
So this one is a bit controversial, but hear me out. There is a universal law that keeps balance in the world. It’s like a pendulum.
If you swing too far to the right, you’ll swing just as far to the left. This happened to me. I was chasing happiness and resisting sadness thinking that I was doing something wrong whenever I felt down.
I learned that if I swing too far to the right (happiness) the universe will bring me back to center by swinging the pendulum to the left (sadness).
Do you want to know what’s at the center of the pendulum and how to remain balanced? It’s love and gratitude—two things you can feel no matter what’s going on in your life.
The universe, in her infinite wisdom, knows this and tries to teach us this. So be sure to do some gratitude journaling whenever you get a chance. Or be grateful for the small things in life whenever they arise. The things we sometimes take for granted.
8. Be authentic.
I always admired my grandmother. Not for her baking and cooking skills, but for how honest she can be. She tells it straight. She’s not trying to be something or someone she’s not. And I’ve seen this pattern in many elderly people.
My best guess is that they have learned that life is too short to be inauthentic and not speak their mind. This is the exact opposite of how I acted.
I tried to be something someone else wanted me to be. Or worse, I agreed with people because I wanted their approval even though my gut disagreed (rule #3!).
Anyway, I’ve learned to be honest even if it’s uncomfortable. I now speak my mind (even if it hurts), and people respect me more for it.
I’m not saying you should go around being mean and insulting people. I’m saying be classy, and be true to yourself. I know it can be hard, but the long-term benefits are worth it.
9. Live life based on your own values.
I’ve learned through my experiences that the purpose of life is to live life on your terms. Whatever that might be. The mistake I made was by living life on someone else’s terms. Living life through other people’s values instead of my own. Only we know what’s best for us.
This allows me to respect other people’s values even if they didn’t align with my own. Even though I think I know what’s best for someone else, I don’t! I have no right to judge them or their situation. Everyone has their own journey. And let me share another secret with you…
Once you know what you want out of life, give it! If you want love, give love. If you want money (value), give value. If you want respect, give respect.
10. Choose consistency over intensity.
I’m very intense, and I’ve always had this ‘go cold turkey’ approach to chasing my goals instead of easing into things.
Now that might work for some people, but those people are in the minority. What’s helped me more is to be moderately consistent.
I’ve learned that when I would go all out, I would tend to burn out.
Take exercise as an example. Let’s say you want to get fit. You’re motivated and you hit the treadmill hard for thirty minutes on day one! The next day you are sore and miserable. That soreness lasts for four to five days.
Now compare that to the guy who exercises moderately and consistently for ten minutes every day of the week. He isn’t sore and stiff and he gets in seventy minutes of exercise in a week, while the intensity guy only gets in thirty minutes of exercise a week.
This principle ties in with a great quote from Tony Robbins: “We overestimate what we can accomplish in one year and underestimate what we can accomplish in a decade.” So be the tortoise that wins the race, not the hare.
—
The biggest takeaway I want to give you is to focus on love. At the end of the day, that’s all there is. Love others, love what you’re doing, and most of all, love yourself. It’s hard to love others fully if we don’t love ourselves first. You can’t give what you don’t have.
That being said, I’d LOVE to learn from you! What valuable life lessons have you learned up until this point in your life?
-
Why Joy Is Important for Healing Developmental Trauma
“We all have everything we need within us to create our fullest potential.” ~Abraham Maslow
Did you grow up with a critical, distant, or ignorant mother?
She probably made sure that your physical needs were covered, but she never noticed or understood your emotional needs. If she was anything like my mum, she may even have shamed you for having them!
You’re an adult now, and you have everything you need to be happy. So why aren’t you? Instead, you feel unworthy, disconnected, and lonely even when you’re with people you love. There’s this constant emptiness inside that makes you angry and sad at the same time.
Maybe you still long for a loving mother like you did when you were young, hoping that one day she’ll show up, or maybe you’ve given up hope that your mother will ever change.
Either way, she left open wounds inside your entire being—invisible traces of the trauma that you sustained. And you need to heal these wounds so that you can rediscover your true nature, activate your full potential, and live a life of your choice—a life filled with joy.
Healing is crucial for your health—mental, physical and spiritual alike. The good news is, you don’t have to live in misery waiting for the “perfect” day to start being happy. In fact, bringing more joy into your life now will help you heal.
Think about it this way: Joy is like the sun that eats away grey clouds and opens up the skies. Everything it touches brightens up and fills with the energy of growth.
Joy helps minimize the stress of the fight-or-flight reactions that you grew accustomed to because of to your traumatic past. It activates positive patterns in your brain instead, helping you heal and thrive.
Just like it helped me.
How I Learned to Speak Joy
I was thirty-one when I made the life-changing decision to move abroad, far away from the stress of the strained relationship with my mum. On the outside, I was a confident adult woman, the mother of a seven-year-old boy. But inside, I felt like a scared little girl longing for a safe place to hide.
Moving to a new country brought much positive change into my life. But, like nearly everything in life, with the good came a challenge.
Running from my narcissistic mum, I left behind everything I knew—everything I had built in my life. I also left Mum alone with my dear sick father in the age before the Internet, when international phone calls could bite holes in a family budget. What I wanted was a break from the pain inflicted by Mum’s behaviour, but I never stopped worrying about her and my dad.
I swapped my career in one of the country’s best medical centers for the life of a housewife, surrounded by strangers who spoke a language I didn’t understand. I uprooted my little boy and brought him to an unfamiliar place far away. We both felt like two survivors who had landed on another planet, and I needed all my strength just to stop myself from falling apart.
So how did I step beyond merely surviving, and begin to thrive? By making a conscious decision to live in the now and enjoy what I have.
As simple as it seemed, it was a challenge in itself. You see, Mum taught me that life was serious business, and neither fun nor joy belonged there. Fortunately, the healthy part inside of me knew what I needed: to master another “foreign” language—the language of joy. Fortunately, I listened.
“Even when you didn’t have the mother you needed, there’s a place inside your heart that totally knows how to love.” ~Jette Simon, psychotherapist
So, there I was, learning to enjoy mundane chores like vacuuming and cleaning bathrooms—what could be less joyful than that? But I would turn on MTV, sing along, and swing my hips to the tunes blazing out of the big black box of a TV we had back then. And that simple trick drizzled my life with positivity, helping me to turn boring, everyday stuff into pleasurable activities.
After that small success, I learned to seek and find joy in everything I did.
You may be unable to change every challenging circumstance of your life, but you can bring more balance to your emotional inner world.
Being a food lover, I experimented with local recipes, enjoying tickles of creativity and sharing the results.
My mother-in-law, Kirsten, who called me every day, clearly cared about us. Unfortunately, we didn’t speak a common language, and I needed something to make those conversations come alive. So, I made a list of the stuff I was usually doing—I’m vacuuming, reading, helping my son with his homework, and so on—and my husband translated it for me. This list became not only my first lesson in Danish, but it also brought joy to our connection and deepened our relationship.
I loved spending quality time with my son with no stress attached and enjoyed the growing feeling of closeness between us. I did my best to help him cope with new people and our new life, and in turn, he helped me.
I enjoyed my time alone, too—a walk with the dog (another language to learn!), sunbathing on the terrace, or reading a book. For the first time in my life, I could sit there doing nothing, and no one would criticize me for being “lazy” as Mum used to!
Spice up your daily activities to expand a flow of positivity and minimize reactivity patterns.
Looking back, I clearly see that I learned to be in the moment, pay attention to what I was doing, and do it with joy.
Gradually, my overall mood began to improve, and I could see my life in a brighter light. Each day started to look more like an adventure, with endless possibilities for joy presenting themselves.
It didn’t heal my trauma, of course, but it helped me get the best out of a turbulent time of change and prepared me for a healing journey.
Your Brain Still Remembers
The chronic stress of developmental trauma has a long-lasting impact on the brain. Overloaded with negative bias, some parts of your brain are overwhelmed and “acting out,” while others are numb, taken out of the game. You need to calm the loud ones and reactivate those that have gone quiet. By doing so, you re-center yourself and find a healthier emotional balance.
When you laugh, have fun, or simply enjoy the moment, troubles and worries step aside, and you enter another realm where you feel connected, safe, and loved.
Joy is inside you as a natural part of your true being. You simply need to find and reconnect with it.
Here’s how you can increase your ability to feel joy.
Acknowledge your current situation.
Put in words what you’re struggling with, why, and how it’s negatively impacting you—not to punish anyone but to clarify the challenge. Remember, denial keeps you stuck, but acknowledging things for what they are opens doors for personal growth, healing, and joy.
Now, knowing where you stand, ask yourself what you want your life to be and what you can do to get there. Possibilities for moving forward always exist; even small steps will take you closer to your goal.
Find balance in a state of control.
Either too much or too little control means co-dependency. Many people try to overcontrol their lives. To overcome this, let go of things that are beyond your control, like changing other people. Instead, focus more on self-growth.
In other cases, people allow their circumstances to dictate their lives, resulting in too little control or even no control at all. If that’s the case for you, it means taking matters into your own hands. Start with easier things like taking care of your well-being and choosing things that bring you joy. After that, work on saying no and building and defending strong boundaries.
Learn to tolerate difficult emotions.
To achieve a peaceful and joyful state, you must first learn to tolerate your difficult emotions. It’s not easy, but staying with your grief, anger, or shame can turn things around and free space for positive emotions. If you push these difficult feelings away, they will almost certainly eat you alive. Do you want to miss out on all the good stuff in life? I didn’t think so.
Validate your feelings instead of suppressing them, denying them, or pushing them away. You have the right to all of them! How could you not be angry, sad, or in mourning when you grew up without the loving mother you longed for as a child?
Working through painful feelings on your own can be tough, so ask your partner, a friend, or a therapist to support you during this time.
Live in the moment.
Did you know that multitasking is one of the biggest enemies of joy? It’s true! Taking on multiple tasks at once keeps your mind and body overloaded, and it’s impossible to enjoy yourself when you’re constantly changing activities. Focusing on one thing, on the contrary, allows joy to surface and bloom.
Learn to calm yourself.
Nobody is happy or relaxed all the time, but you can learn the skills and techniques to calm yourself when you need to. By doing so, you help your brain build more positive connections and open up for joy.
Mindfulness and mediation are two excellent techniques that help you to slow down and focus on the moment. If sitting silently cross-legged on a cushion isn’t for you, don’t worry, there are other ways to get the benefits of these practices. Anything that helps you focus, pay attention, and be present will do the trick.
Engage yourself fully.
No matter what you do, get completely involved in it. Even when you do something out of necessity, it’s possible to find joy in the action. Fully engaging in everything you do helps you discover new, exciting sides to boring stuff from your to-do list. And sometimes, adding fun to dull, repetitive activities like washing the dishes or waiting for the bus solves the problem and awakens joy.
Help or share.
Social connections bring lots of joy into your life, even if you’re just connecting on Zoom. Help people, or share something with them—a cup of coffee, a smile, or a passion of yours. For example, I like to bake, and blend facial tonics and creams; it helps me relax. But sharing my passions with others is what brings me profound satisfaction and joy.
And the effect stays for days and weeks—I promise!
Choose joy.
More joy means lower levels of inflammation in your body, better health, and greater happiness. You’re no longer a prisoner of your emotions and can consciously choose where you want to use your energy and how.
Activating joy helps you reconnect with an authentic, wise part inside of you that knows how to love. It means finally feeling like yourself and safe inside your skin—no matter what traumas you have endured throughout your life.
“Every moment, if it’s really inside of you, brings you what you need.” ~Rumi
Choose joy!
-
What I’ve Learned Since My Years Feeling Stuck and Unlovable
This writing is in memory of my father, who—without knowing it—helped make me the man I am today.
When I was a young boy, my father seemed bigger than life, like most fathers seem to young sons. I looked at him in the same way that I imagine my son Jeremiah looked at me at that age—like a superhero, a towering giant who could fix anything, do anything, and make anything seem better than it was. We see what we want to see, until we don’t.
Life took him away from me very early in my life, so we never got to have the kinds of deep conversations that my son and I have had. We never shared a beer together. We never ran a half marathon together, never traveled the world together, never went camping, never attended baseball or football games together. My memories of him are very few, but I have one that will never fade.
I was about seven years old, and we were returning home from somewhere. We were laughing when he pulled into the driveway. He was good at making me laugh.
As we got out, and I looked at him over the roof of the car, all I could see was his head. My superhero dad seemed so small, with only a head and no body. As I chuckled, I slammed the car door shut with my thumb still in the door. Screaming at the top of my lungs, crying for him to fix it, I stood frozen, unable to move. What he did next remains forever etched in my mind.
Calmly and gently, but firmly, my father said, “JOSEPH—OPEN THE DOOR.”
At that point in my seven-year life, I had fallen, bumped, smashed, crashed, and broken quite a few objects and body parts. On those occasions when I’d hurt myself, I’d had seen the alarm in his eyes, sometimes panic. This time it was different. His eyes were still, quiet, and wise, as if he knew that he was passing down an important lesson, from a father to his son.
Life guarantees that things will go wrong and we’ll get hurt. Sometimes in those moments, we freeze or panic. The lesson that my father taught me is, when those things happen, get calm, breathe—and OPEN THE DOOR.
My dad reminded me that I have the knowledge, the ability, and the strength to handle the situation. So, I did, I opened the door and I was free.
Thanks, Dad.
But, despite his lesson, I wasn’t always free. For much of my life, I was painfully stuck.
I was conceived by two people who loved each other enough to deliver my brother and me into the world and create a family. Out of his sons, I was my father’s favorite. As it turned out, he and my mother discovered that they weren’t right for each other and chose separate paths. It’s a very familiar story.
Some in my family have suggested that my father was not equipped, not in the state of mind to be the best example for me. I’ll never know. He took the divorce very hard and was not allowed to see us after they separated. My last memories of him were watching him sit in his car crying outside of our house. Without my father, I felt alone.
We moved every year. My mother struggled to raise two boys in Los Angeles, California, on a secretary’s salary. Most landlords wouldn’t allow us to renew the lease, since most months we were late with rent. My brother and I never knew about that—her way of protecting us.
Being the new kid meant you were bullied—unless the other kids thought you were crazy, in which case, they’d leave you alone. I learned early on to pick a fight with the biggest kid on the playground on the first day of school, even if I’d get pulverized, which was the case a fair amount of the time.
I ran away from home a few times. I thought, If I could just find my dad then everything would be alright. I hadn’t yet been told that he was dead.
The cause listed on his death certificate I would later find was suicide.
Alcohol and sleeping pills were apparently somewhat common during that era. I found out three years after he died, when I was in ninth grade—again, my mother’s way of protecting us.
Although I was a decent student—passing my freshman year with a B+ average—I didn’t feel good enough, ever. When I was fifteen, my mother dropped me off at the local police station. From there, I was sent to juvenile hall and sent to live at a boy’s home for troubled youth, called, at the time, The Pacific Lodge Boys Home.
Woodland Hills, California was a strange place for a boy’s home. We attended the local public high school, for some sense of normal life. That worked in theory, but kids can be very cruel. We were referred to as “the Lodge Boys” by the other kids and reminded daily that we were not “normal” kids.
Friends were hard to come by, unless they were from the Lodge. So, most of us just hung out with each other; it created a bond between us. If someone from school messed with a Lodge Boy—and they usually did—we all came running. We called ourselves The Band of Wayward Brothers.
The daily schedule at the Lodge was designed around individual counseling and occasional family group counseling sessions, with the eventual goal of reuniting each boy into his family unit. I knew I’d never be allowed to return home, that I’d live at the Lodge until I turned eighteen, alone, with no family, no tribe, and no one to belong to—a throw-away child no one wanted.
One minute you belonged to something—be it healthy or dysfunctional, it’s your tribe, your family—and the next minute, it’s taken away. You’re suddenly, unexpectedly, bewilderedly alone. After losing my dad as a child, I felt alone. Now I truly was lost.
The multiple-dorm residential facility had several counselors who worked and slept there during their shifts. One of my counselors, Cane, was a social worker. He was a warm, laid-back surfer guy, and was always nice.
Cane seemed to genuinely care and never judged us. I was horrible to him. Most of us were. We were a group of angry, hurt boys who felt alone in the world, deposited in a home for troubled youth.
Out of the hundred or so kids at the Lodge that Christmas, only two of us were not welcomed to be with our family for the holiday. My friend Patrick and I wouldn’t be going home, which meant that our counselor Cane, whose shift was that night, had to stay at the dorm with just the two of us, instead being of home for Christmas with his family.
Little did we know, Cane had asked, and was granted permission, to take Patrick and me off campus for Christmas. We didn’t know what we were getting into, but it was better than being at the Lodge.
Cane picked us up on Christmas Eve, and off we went on what he called “Cane’s Christmas Present Run,” visiting friends of his to exchange presents and holiday wishes. Not once did any one of them make us feel awkward for being there, even though they knew where we were from.
The day ended at his mother’s house with a homemade Christmas dinner and all the fixings. It was a real family meal with lots of food and lots of people, none of whom made either of us feel left out or unwelcome.
Cane and his mother gave presents to Patrick and me—no ugly sweaters or generic or cheap items; genuine gifts they put thought into selecting just for us. I had never known that kind of generosity. I didn’t understand it. I’ll never forget that day for as long as I live.
When he brought us back the next day, I asked him why he was being so nice to me. He said, “My job, Joe, is to love you enough, until the day comes when you are able to love yourself that much.”
I have never forgotten his words, though I did not know what they meant at that time. Children tend to blame themselves when they’re abandoned, studies have found. The overwhelming feelings of not being worth loving and not having enough value to another can, and do, severely affect a child’s sense of worth and self.
My life changed that day. That day Cane planted a tiny seed in the back of my mind that maybe, just maybe, I was lovable. That maybe, if I loved myself enough first, someone would love the man I had grown into.
And there was my father’s lesson again: I just had to open the door and let love in, from others and myself.
I have had my ups and my downs.
I’ve been homeless to homeowner. Not an easy task in California.
Unemployable to a nationally recognized business owner.
Poor and broke, to not having to worry about being evicted.
A fifteen-year-old throwaway child to a sitting board member of the San Diego Center for Children I affectionately call The Pacific Lodge Boys Home South.
A lost boy, to world traveler, knowing now that not all those who wander are lost.
To the next generation of Wayward Brothers and Sisters, or anybody who feels lost or stuck, here is what I have learned along the way. I hope it helps you.
1. Good people make bad decisions; that doesn’t make them bad people, it just makes it a bad decision.
2. Forgive easily and often, others and especially yourself. I enjoy an amazing relationship with my mother today. Refer to rule number 1.
3. You are not broken, and therefore do not need “fixing.” You are perfect, just the way you are. Just as Cane pointed out, I was worth loving. And so are you!
4. Life rewards the brave, so be brave. Take a chance, on yourself and others. It would have been extremely easy to sink into a hole and let my life go sideways and blame others for it. Bravery is choosing not to be a victim of your circumstances and instead, proactively create your life.
5. Love yourself first with all your heart and be your own best friend. Those around you will benefit.
6. Just because someone says it, doesn’t mean it’s true. They have the right to an opinion, but you also have the right to choose to not believe it. Life told me I was unlovable. Cane proved them wrong.
7. Happiness is a choice, not a place, thing, moment, or a person. Only you can make you happy.
8. Everything happens for a reason, so figure out why. There are no mistakes in life, only lessons.
9. Lastly, and most importantly, OPEN THE DOOR AND SET YOURSELF FREE!
