I really hate this.  I know it’s for the best, but part of me would rather suffer than see them all suffer.

My question to you is what good would this have really done? You’ve been suffering for the past year and a half and has anything gotten any better? or did it get worse? You letting them stay and continuing to suffer would’ve still caused them to suffer because you’ve all been suffering for a long time now. This was the only way for you all to be free of that suffering after the initial transition period.

Yes, it will take time for them all to adjust, but they will be fine and they will likely go back to living the way they did before you came into their lives. It’s just going to take some time for things to normalize, but it will, and they will be better off than you all trying to force something to work that wasn’t working.

I honestly think it would be better if you all cut contact. Her venting to you about things you absolutely cannot control (her family and her situation) is not helping you in any way and it’s also her way of being dependent on you. She is a grown woman and is going to have to handle this stuff herself because you didn’t force her into the situation she was in. She put herself and her kids there. At some point, you’re both going to have to accept that this wasn’t all you.

When my ex before her left me, it was cut and dry and DONE.  no going back.  She just left me hanging out to dry.  That was the worst feeling in the world not knowing why someone could just give up that easily.  Now i’m doing it to my current ex.

Your ex did you a favor by being cut, dry, and done. Every time she talked to you in any little way, it brought a ton of hope back and you’d obsess over it. Imagine if she’d remained in your life while continuing to see someone else. That would’ve been torture for you, wouldn’t it? Then it would’ve been “how can she talk to me every day but still want to be with someone else??” It would’ve just brought on a whole host of other issues.

Also, you are NOT doing that to your current ex. You’ve spent the last 9 months AT LEAST trying to break up with her, with her being in denial and doing everything she could to hold onto you, guilt trip you, and remain dependent on you. Psychologically, you cutting her off completely would be the best thing you could do for her because it would force her to improve in the same way your ex cutting you off forced you to take a look at yourself and your actions and improve. Struggle is sometimes the only way we learn, and you allowing your ex to continue to depend on you would be doing her a huge disservice… and I hope you take this to heart because I’m serious.  You know that my ex left me the same way yours left you… just absolutely blindsided, but that struggle I went through caused me to grow in ways that I wouldn’t have if he’d stuck around and I am extremely grateful for that growth.  Don’t deprive your ex of the chance to experience that kind of growth.  You making things better or easier or even keeping in contact with her is going to deprive her of the chance for that kind of growth. 

So do what you can to work through your feelings of guilt. If anything, you just did her a serious favor, even though it might not seem like it on the outside right now… give it time.

Meanwhile… you learn your lessons from this, too, and make sure you remember them so this doesn’t happen again… and don’t make the mistake of letting your own guilt and fears of looking/feeling like a terrible person deprive someone else of their chance to grow from their pain. Let this be a growth experience for BOTH of you.

  I honestly feel like there is only one person for everyone and unfortunately that one person may not see that in you and see it in someone else.

I disagree with you here. I believe there is more than one person for everyone and that in order for you to have a consummate relationship, the person you end up with must come from your “soul tribe.” It’s believed we have more than one soul mate, and those are just people we connect with on a very deep level. They don’t even have to be romantic. Friends (even some of your guy friends or close family members) can be part of your soul tribe, who you connect with but aren’t romantically interested in. So the point is… your ex, who you felt this deeeeep connection with was likely from that soul tribe, but she was not the ONLY ONE from that soul tribe. At some point, if you work on yourself and remain single and focus on your growth and being the best you that you can be, you will meet someone who is part of that soul tribe who will be at the same point in their lives as you are, have the same goals, etc., and who will feel the same about you that you do about them… a match.  That doesn’t mean there is only ONE match, you just need A match. So it’s okay to keep hope alive for that some day, but just pay close attention to your feelings and don’t get into a relationship with someone just to have a warm body and a distraction from your pain.

Hi K,

I think what may be happening here is you’re trying to rush your healing. You just want to feel better now, right? But healing from heart break takes time, it’s really a grieving process, and sometimes it feels better to just accept that and let yourself feel how you feel without worrying about feeling any other way, at least for a while. Depending on how long your relationship was, 3 weeks is a pretty short amount of time, and I think it’s totally normal to still be feeling the way you do after that long. But if you take this time now to grieve the loss of your relationship and the hopes that you had for it and don’t rush yourself when it comes to feeling better, even if it takes months, you then allow yourself to FULLY get over it and will be able to move on then and feel completely better. Just be patient with yourself. It’s okay to grieve.

Also, I’ve learned that this happens a lot, people being blindsided when their relationships end, feeling so in love and not knowing how someone can just walk away. The issue is usually with the person who did the walking away. Sometimes there is something missing in themselves that they’re trying to find externally rather than looking within and healing whatever in them needs to be healed. Sometimes they need to play the field more before they’ll be ready to settle down. Sometimes they really are afraid of commitment and will jump from relationship to relationship until they finally decide to overcome their fears, if ever. There are a lot of reasons why people do this kind of thing, and, from what I’ve seen, it usually doesn’t have anything to do with the other person, so try to be kind to yourself when it comes to that, too. Dating is hard and a lot of people are walking around with wounds that they never took the time to heal (like when people jump from relationship to relationship instead of going through the grieving process), which just leads to them self-sabotaging future relationships. It ends up being a cycle until they finally decide to break it, and you likely just got caught up in someone else’s cycle of pain like so many of us have.

Hi John! I want to apologize. I didn’t see your post from the 24th, so that’s why I didn’t respond to it. Sometimes the page doesn’t bring new posts to the top, but I agree that you should definitely keep writing even when you don’t get a response.

It sounds like you are in sort of a roommate situation with her now, so that’s a step forward, and it also seems like she’s not so much in denial. I hope she’s able to find someplace to go soon, and I think it was a good idea for her to move into her son’s room.

As for your ex, I understand why you would feel upset about your best friend’s wife seemingly having a friendship with her, but I’m sure your best friend’s wife also knows you’ve been wanting your ex back all this time, right? So she may not realize how upset you would be about them being friends. Aside from that… what if you look at this another way… what if this is a stepping stone for her to come back into your life.  I’m not saying to read into it or to count on this as a way for you to get back together (so be sure to manage your expectations when I say this), but maybe it’s not really a bad thing. Maybe if your best friend’s wife gets along with or likes her now, that means she’s grown up some and is showing more maturity. And keep in mind, you still have to deal with the situation you’re in too and be single for a while to get back to feeling like yourself, but try to see this friendship in a positive light. There’s always a possibility that it could bode well for in the distant future, either as a way for you two to get to know each other again OR what if you learn more about her from your friend’s wife and realize you don’t like how she’s changed and she’s not the person you’ve built her up in your head to be and that helps you to finally get fully over her and move on. Perhaps this will help you see her in whatever light you truly need to see her in to feel better overall about that situation. Either way, I’d try to look at it from another perspective so you don’t feel upset and just go with the flow on this one because you just never know what may come of it.

Anyway, I think you’re on a good track with your girlfriend, and I would even suggest you guys agree to stop calling each other girlfriend/boyfriend and now you’re just roommates.  She might realize even more that she doesn’t not want to be a roommate with her ex and that might help her to find a place quicker.

Are you sure being single is what you really want/need if you always immediately jump into another relationship or do you feel there is something lacking in your life (likely within yourself) that you might be able to find if you just take more time to focus on yourself and your wants while you’re in this relationship?

Your boyfriend sounds like he’s really reasonable and loves you, so it sounds like if you just talk to him about needing a little more “me time” alone to figure yourself out, I bet he would give that to you without much of an issue.  Then just take that time to yourself to dig deep into your feelings/emotions and figure out WHY you’re a people please or why you always feel the need to break up after some time (which actually, Anita on this message board could probably help you with. She’s good at helping people to dive into those things because a lot of it has to do with things that happened when we were younger). Look for ways to help you be and feel more assertive rather than being a people pleaser. I ended up going through counseling to help me with that because I used to be a people pleaser, too, and also used to overthink, so perhaps if counseling is an option for you, that might be extremely helpful in that way, too.

I think the wall that goes up and your indecision may be your intuition telling you that breaking up with him might not be the right decision, especially if your relationship is good overall. It’s possible to find yourself while you’re in a relationship, so maybe that’s what you should focus on instead of being single (especially because being single itself won’t help you find yourself), and then see how you feel after some time.

Hi Frey,

I suggest reading on trauma bonding. You can find articles on it on blogs like Psychology Today. Given what you’ve said, that might be what you’ve experienced and also why you’re finding it so hard to detach from them.

Also do what you can to distance yourself more. Stop checking their social media, block them entirely. Don’t allow yourself to be tempted. Looking at their social media is one way you’re holding on, and stopping that immediately is one thing you can do right away to help yourself detach. There will be more advice in the readings on trauma bonding, so I’m sure it would help you, too, to read up on that and see what resonates with you most.

Hi Mark, have you found a good counselor to talk to, yet? I would really try to see if she would attend couples counseling with you, let her know you aren’t feeling heard and that you want to feel better about the situation but you just can’t quite figure out how to.

Do you think your wife, outside of this particular situation, is really someone who would take advantage of you? If not, remind yourself of that when you feel taken advantage of in this one, and, again, make sure your boundaries are clear. I can see compromise being a good idea given the green card issue, but getting one must be actively worked on and a plan in place for after she does, where you will know that she will not be staying with you after that. Having that plan in place may help you feel less taken advantage of and more like you’re just being a a good and understanding husband.  Also, perhaps what you might need is more appreciation?  Have they shown you a lot of appreciation for allowing her to come back and stay there as many times as she has? And for flying them all over for the wedding?

Hi Mark,

Did your wife ever discuss the idea of her mom coming to live with you or her feelings that she will be responsible for taking care of her when you were dating?  If not, I agree with Anita about her taking advantage, as that’s something that should have been disclosed at some point over the time before you got married.  If you had discussed it, it’s possible that she assumed you’d be okay with it and wasn’t trying to trick you (although she definitely still should’ve discussed it with you again before moving her in).

If you give her an ultimatum, just be prepared for the possibility of her choosing her mom. I hope she will go to counseling with you if you’re able to find a counselor because I think it would help some if she understood your feelings on this, too. Even though her mother never gets in the way, I can totally understand how her presence in the house would be awkward, especially since she doesn’t speak the same language. I would not voluntarily enter a situation like that either, and I think it’s important for your wife to know and understand your feelings on this, and if she cannot respect them, you might be better off apart.

Hi Lily!

I totally agree with Peggy, that is great advice. I also want to say that when we experience boredom, depression, or unhappiness with our lives in general, our relationships are often the first thing to be targeted and cut, thinking that is the problem, when often it’s something more internal that you’re not happy with. Trying Peggy’s suggestions first is definitely the way to go, and if, after you are feeling better overall in the other areas of your life, you are still having doubts about your relationship, that’s when you should reassess it. Given that you’re feeling unhappy overall, though, it’s probably not your relationship that is the problem, and ending it at this point likely won’t help. What WILL help is self-care. And see if you can find a hobby that you enjoy so much that it absolutely lights you up.