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I feel like I don't love my boyfriend anymore

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This topic contains 3 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  anita 3 weeks, 5 days ago.

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  • #322383

    Alina
    Participant

    My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two months, and before that, we liked each other for about two or three. For the first few weeks of us being together and before that, I was crazy for him. I always felt so crazy for him and I always wanted him next to me. I was obsessed, but, for awhile now, I’ve been doubting my feelings. I was happy and felt so alive one day, and then the next day the question “Do I really love him? ” Came into my mind and I haven’t felt the same since.

    Over time I came to realize that my heart never raced when me and him would talk and I never really got butterflies. He’s been my best friend for a year so I was thinking maybe it’s because I’m comfortable with him, but at the same time, I don’t know.

    It’s been upsetting me a lot lately because he’s the perfect match for me. We get along so well, we’re able to talk to each other about absolutely anything, we make each other happy, and so much more. He’s always on my mind and he’s all that I ever talk about. I only want him and no one else. I don’t find anyone else attractive nor do I see myself with anyone but him. He’s everything, but ever since this question came into my mind, I haven’t been the same about it. With an ex, my heart always raced and I had butterflies, but I feel like it was because we had a bad past, but, I’m not sure.

    #322391

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alina:

    It is not normal or healthy to have one’s heart racing every moment, every day and night when two people love each other because a heart attack or a stroke will result- it is not healthy to have the heart race on and on and on. And about butterflies- butterflies don’t live for long, a couple of weeks, two months (you can google butterflies, Wikipedia. and find out how long they live).

    Therefore to expect the hear to race and the butterflies on an ongoing basis is not realistic. After a period of excitement with a new love, the excitement slows down and sometimes it is not there at all- for everyone!

    I hope to read more about your thoughts and feelings and will reply when I am back to the computer, in about 13 hours from now.

    anita

    #322397

    Alina
    Participant

    Hello Anita! I actually found you on a post from awhile ago. I saw many people before telling others to make a separate post so their problems can be resolved easier, I’m in a position like another who woke up one day and felt as if there was a blockage in their love for their partner. I’m in the same position. I know I want to spend my life with him, and I only want him, but I feel as if there is a blockage in it, all because the question “Do you really love him” Came to mind. I was wondering if you or others were to have any advice on how to know how you truly feel about someone or if there is any way to get over such a question? Also, I know a constant racing heart would be badly unhealthy and unrealistic. When I said that, I meant when around your partner. I have seen many things that says your heart raced a bit faster(or something like that) around someone you love, and I don’t get that feeling. I didn’t know if that really was a huge clue, a mild one, or not one at all.

    #322449

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alina:

    Even if it is only around your partner, to have a “constant racing heart” is impossible and quite deadly. To save your life, you’d have to end that deadly relationship. The butterflies as well, not possible at all times when you are in the company of your partner. Think of this: let’s say you are in the company of your partner and your stomach starts to hurt, you feel that you might have diarrhea. The moment you feel this kind of discomfort and your thinking is focused on it- gone are the butterflies. And if the heart is racing, it is to prepare you to run to the bathroom.

    Now, imagine what is really happening in your case:  you are with your partner and your stomach is fine, but you start focusing on the thought: do I really love him? This thought is associated with distress, not the stomach ache but it is an ache of the emotional kind. No  wonder then, that the butterflies are gone and if the heart is racing, it is not the romantic, in-love kind of racing, but the distressed kind.

    You worry that you don’t love him and because of the worry, you stop feeling that in-love feeling sensations.

    Let’s look more in depth at what is happening: for a few months you liked a guy, for a few more weeks, you “always felt so crazy for him and I always wanted him next to me. I was obsessed”-

    – obsessed, this is the problem. For a few weeks you were obsessed with the thought of wanting him next to you.

    “I was obsessed, but, for a while now, I’ve been doubting my feelings… the question ‘Do I really love him?’ Came into my mind and I haven’t felt the same since”-

    your obsession changed. First you obsessed on the thought of wanting him next to you, then you  obsessed with the thought: do  I really love him?

    The Problem is you Obsessing. All the thoughts  you have regarding your obsession, all the thoughts trying to answer the question: do I love him? – all these thoughts belong to the obsession and will not help you. The obsession is like a giant vacuum cleaner that keeps vacuuming but nothing gets clean, all the dust and dirt remains. So you vacuum, vacuum, vacuum, and nothing changes. It is as if you and the vacuum become  one, you wake up.. and you just have to vacuum. No matter how the vacuum doesn’t clean anything, you are compelled to vacuum.

    Your relationship is a very new one, and this man, you wrote, is “the perfect match for me. We get along so well” and so forth. The solution is to focus on what is perfect in the match and continue to get along, to make the relationship meaningful and healthy regardless of racing-heart-or-not and butterflies-or-not.

    But suggesting the above, for the person who is obsessed is like saying: stop vacuuming, use the broom instead, you’ll see, it will work! But the obsessed person says: but I have to vacuum!

    What do you think about what I wrote here?

    anita

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