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Alina

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  • #332605

    Alina
    Participant

    To me, love is a choice, and slightly a feeling. Love is choosing to be vulnerable to someone, to commit to someone, to accept them, and to stay with them through hard times. To me, love is to see someone in a way you don’t see anyone else, to see them as someone special, to see them as who you want to spend your life with, your soul mate.

    As for the feeling side, when you’re in love, you should feel comfortable and safe with who you’re with. You should feel like you can be yourself around them. You should be able to be happy most of the time if not all the time. Your lover should feel like home to you, and with love, you should know if you’re in love in some way.

     

    And for extra; When you’re in love, you should feel like you would do more for them then your friends. You should be close to them. You should be able to say good things about them instead of just bad.

     

    That’s my definition of love in the best I can think of.

    #332559

    Alina
    Participant

    I don’t know how to change that exactly.. I started reading stuff online about other people who have been in the same situation and many people told them to leave the other person and not lead them on, but I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to to lose my relationship with him as friends or boyfriend/girlfriend. I know I can’t force feelings or force love, but, I still feel a lot like I do love him, I just keep having lingering thoughts on if I really do or not and it hurts, a lot. I know what I want, what I feel, and what I do, but I don’t know if I love him or not. We get through so many things I couldn’t have gotten through with anyone else and he treats me in a way I’ve never been treated.. I don’t want to lose him or leave him. I want to be with him, I just don’t want to hurt him if I do end up feeling like I don’t love him.

    #332373

    Alina
    Participant

    Update: Me and Tyson have been… Okay. We’ve been having a rough week because of school coming back and we’ve just been arguing a lot now, but we’ve gotten through it just fine, which is kinda what bothers me. While we were arguing, I knew I was upset and hurt, but on the outside, I felt fine. Nothing told me I was upset , and it worried me that I didn’t care, but I also thought that maybe I just calmed down, but I’m not sure. Other than that, Tyson and I have been really happy, or he has at least.

    I can’t say that I’m sad about being with him, I’m not, I’m glad I’m with him and happy to be, but, it’s just me. The doubts won’t go away, at all, and it hurts. I’ll be okay, but then I start to hear “you don’t love him” And “are you sure you love him” In my head, and it’s really upsetting me. I know I can’t control my feelings, but I know what I want. I want to love him, I want to be with him. Out of everyone I’ve been with, he’s treated me the best and made me feel the most loved, but, I still feel almost nothing.

    I know that I do love him in some way at least though. I always think of him and do things for him that I wouldn’t think of/do for just anyone, only him. The doubts just keep getting to me and they won’t go away. I’ve gotten better at letting go of them, but they always get me somehow.

    I don’t want to leave him, I don’t want to hurt him, I don’t want to lose him. I know that for a fact. I feel like this would be one of those you-don’t-know-you-love- someone-until-you-let-them-go type of things. I also feel like it may be what you were talking about too, how, maybe I don’t feel anything right now because it’s online, but will/would when/if I see him. I really hope so, because I know what I want when it comes to my feelings and him. I just wish the doubts would go away and I would be sure I’m in love. I really want to be, and I know I can’t control it, but… Yeah.

    Other than that, I’ve been doing well and so has he. We’ve been having a good day today and been getting along. A lot of stuff has been getting better and I feel like we’re moving towards a bright relationship again.

    #330207

    Alina
    Participant

    Hello, so, I’m back.. The doubts are coming back again, but I don’t know why. I know by now that there won’t always be a spark in a relationship and I know that the heart-racing isn’t always going to be there, but I still feel like I don’t love him. I don’t know why, I know I want to, but, I just feel like I don’t. In my chest, I feel like I don’t love him, and usually when him and I are talking, I’ll feel happy and in love, until the doubt comes around, then I realize how I’m feeling and it changes my mood. I don’t know why they keep coming around though.

     

    Tyson is a really great guy. He’s understanding, he’s loving, he’s caring, he’s funny, he’s supportive, and a lot more. He’s almost exactly the type of guy I’ve always wanted. He makes me really happy and talking to him makes me feel better often. We have our fair share of arguments(They’re not really arguments, we never argue, but we both just have times to where we’ll be upset, complain about it, take some time to ourselves, and then we feel better). We share the same goals in a relationship and when we talk about a future, we both can agree on things. For example, we both want a German Shepherd, and when we get to see eachother in person, we want to just sit in a room together and cuddle while watching movies or playing games.

    In my eyes, he’s perfect. He does have flaws and imperfections, but that makes him who he is, and I love it. He’s an upgrade from everyone I’ve ever been with. I trust him more than anyone, and he makes me really happy and makes me feel loved. There’s nothing to not love about him but.. I just keep doubting that I do, and I don’t want to. My mind says I love him, and I want to be with him, but my chest, or heart, says “you don’t love him” “Are you sure you love him? ” And then I think all over again about the no physical feelings, even though I’ve been feeling them more now.

    My question is; Is there any way I can get rid of these doubts? He never did anything to change how I feel towards him, and our relationship is still exciting in it’s own ways. He’s almost exactly the type of guy I’ve wanted; Someone who can be hyper and funny, someone who can understand me, someone I can trust, someone I can go to for anything, someone who has the same goals as me, someone who wouldn’t judge me for things that interest me, someone I can joke with, someone who’s my best friend, someone who I knew for awhile, someone who puts effort into me, and more.

    #326377

    Alina
    Participant

    Hello! I’m sorry I haven’t been here in awhile, I started to feel better and I didn’t want to go online and look around and then find something that upset me and brought the doubts back so I took a break, but here’s my update.

    My mom has been doing well now. She’s out of the hospital and doing fine. She still has bad kidneys and may have to get a transplant once her blood pressure gets at a normal level, but other than that she’s been doing good. She ended up going to an eye doctor and found out that she has been bleeding behind her eyes and that was why she has been having blurry vision and is now classified as legally blind, but, she has been getting a hold of it and gotten use to it quite easily. She can still proceed her normal life like she did just fine, the only change is not going to work because she can’t drive.

    As for me, the doubts have been going away and the feelings are coming back. Tyson and I are really happy together too. We’ve had our fair share of complaining (I wouldn’t call it arguments because we never really directly said anything towards each other but rather just were both upset, said what was wrong, let it bother us for awhile and think of it, and then one of us would take the upper hand and help the other once we felt better), but other than that, we’ve been really happy. I got a long break off of school and that helped me a lot with the doubts since they originated in school.

    The doubts are still around but I’ve gotten better at letting go of them and not letting them bother me, which also helps. I also talked to someone who had been in the same place as me and helped me be more sure about everything. And as said before, the break off of school helped me clear them away too.

    Now, Tyson and I have been together for two months and in 21 days we’ll be together for three. I know three months isn’t long but it is a big accomplishment for me if we get there and past that knowing that my longest relationship, or, as said by you, crush, lasted for only two months and was a few days away from three.

    I have been feeling more physical feelings and I’ve felt more sure about my feelings as well as I’ve felt more happy. Both Tyson and I are glad they’re going away and luckily they didn’t hurt our relationship badly in any ways. We have been able to talk to each other, be open, understand each other, love each other, joke with each other, and a lot more. He has helped me become the person I want to be and I really appreciate that.

    Also, thank you so much for helping me with my doubts, and sorry if I was hard to help, once things carve into my mind it takes awhile to get out. I really appreciate it and it helped a lot, I definitely feel more sure and happy.

    #323705

    Alina
    Participant

    Update:I’m starting to feel a little better and more certain. I started putting things together and this is what I got:

    • Tyson and I usually talk and play together on Xbox, and yesterday he had to go out for something he does (not gonna say because it’s his info to share, not mine) and won’t be back until possibly Friday. Usually, I’m trying to get on as quick as I can and wait for him to get home so I can talk to him. Yesterday, when he left, all I did was sit in a dark room and stare at the wall until I fell asleep, I didn’t bother to get on at all. I only did once to have a little light in my room while I ate.
    • My mom recently went into the hospital because she has blurry vision, high blood pressure, and weak kidneys (she didn’t know about the weak kidneys and her sight going blurry is still a mystery) and she’s been in there since Sunday.
    • I have been sick for the past few days and going to school while feeling sick isn’t the best for me(I can’t look around without my head hurting, my face has been burning up for I don’t know how long, my legs are weak, etc).

    I was thinking that maybe the last two could somehow be blocking the physical feelings and making me unsure..? I don’t know exactly..

    #323699

    Alina
    Participant

    I don’t know really

    #323655

    Alina
    Participant

    I never really thought I had OCD, and I never obsessed over anything else, just this. I’ve obsessed over ex’s in a way when I was with them, but that’s all I can really think of.

    I don’t really know what disassociations I’ve had. All I know is that I feel neutral towards him when I feel like I should feel deeply towards him, I feel normal and smile a little when he would send me long loving paragraphs when I feel as if I should feel more happier and loved knowing that I’ve wanted to be sent long loving paragraphs for years, when we talk about our future and things we want to do, I feel like I should feel a stronger physical feeling and happiness instead of only wanting it badly inside my head, and when he’s gone, I feel like I should miss him more than I really do.

    #323649

    Alina
    Participant

    If I find out that I don’t love him in the emotional I-am-sure type of way, I’ll be shattered. I want to love him and be with him. I enjoy making him happy and being close to him. Our relationship has been the healthiest I’ve ever had, other than my doubts and confusion, and I want it to last. If I found out completely, I wouldn’t leave, I wouldn’t give up. I’d talk to him about it, try to fall for him again and be completely sure about the fact that I love him. I would read old messages, think of good memories, think of how I’d be without him and compare, and anything else that would help. I wouldn’t give up on him, me, or us.

    If I lost him, I’d change forever. He’s my best friend, my safe place. We have the same goals together, we have a lot in common, we’ve told each other things we’d never tell anyone else, and a lot more. Losing him would be like losing a lot of myself because he has helped me become a happier and better version of myself.

    #323643

    Alina
    Participant

    When it comes to me, my problems about not having physical feelings isn’t about anything like butterflies or heart racing, I know that doesn’t last. What I mean by physical feelings is the feeling of being sure you love someone, being sure you want them, being sure they’re the one. I don’t have that, I only hear it in my mind.

    Other than the physical feelings, I feel sure I want a relationship with him and I feel sure I love him.

    This is what I know/feel right now:

    • When he’s not around, I miss him but not strongly, and if he can’t text me, I’m not upset
    • I can openly call him pet names and say I love him without feeling guilty of saying it or feeling scared to be judged
    • He’s my first thought when I wake up, and I enjoy talking to him
    • I want to see him in person one day and feel as if maybe that’ll help with the unsure feelings
    • I’m not 100% sure if I love him
    • I don’t get any physical feelings of wanting him around
    • There isn’t any spark for me
    • I’m not worried about losing him
    • I wouldn’t get upset if he somehow became disabled or failed a grade
    • I have no physical feelings making me sure I love him
    • I can talk about him to people without saying anything bad about him(I couldn’t even if I tried)
    • As soon as I get home, I check to see if I have a message from him, and if I don’t, I get a little worried (because usually I have a text from him) but I also know his phone doesn’t charge well and it’s usually that
    • I feel comfortable and safe with him

    And the list goes on. It’s kind of scattered, I wrote everything I thought of at that time of writing. Does any of that mean anything? Am I just unsure, in love blindly, not in love, neutral, or anything else?

    #323633

    Alina
    Participant

    Sorry I never replied, I started to feel better and felt more in love with him. The doubts went away and I felt fine, but now it’s something else. I don’t physically feel in love. Is that normal?

    I just started feeling it today, and it’s worrying me that I’m not in love. I’ve seen a lot of, “If you’re in love, you’ll know it, ” And I don’t.

    When I think of him, I don’t see any bad in him. He has flaws, but they make him who he is, and they make him more great to me. In my mind, I know I’m in love, I know I love him and see him as my one, but I don’t feel any physical feelings. I feel neutral. My feelings have started to come back, but are still distant.

    My question is, just because I don’t have any physical feelings towards him, does that mean I’m not in love?

    I feel safe and secure we it him. I’m not worried about losing him or him cheating, and I’d never cheat on him. I always want him happy and I want to be there when he’s upset, but I have no physical feelings that are openly showing me I’m in love, and it worries me. I want to love him and be with him, I don’t want to break up, but I feel no physical feelings.

    #323333

    Alina
    Participant

    When I talk to Tyson and call him pet names or say I love him or other things like that, I don’t like I’m pretending or anything, I never feel guilty. I feel like I mean it. I don’t feel dishonest nor do I feel like a bad person. I feel truthful, and my mind is set on it. I only feel guilty when the doubts come to my mind, but usually I can ignore it. The doubts mainly get to me at school.

    With my parents,┬ámy feelings are also neutral. I love them, even if they upset me, and no, I don’t feel like a bad daughter, I’ve never really thought of that though.

    #323219

    Alina
    Participant

    Partly, partly not. When my parents and I moved away, I was devastated. I shattered. I’ve lost contact with almost all of my friends. I only have two now, and I use to have about 10.

    When we moved here and I started going to school, I hated it, it really brought me down. I cried all the time. In the mornings, after school, and at night. I hated my school. I had no friends at my school, and I still don’t. When Kade came along, he only made me happy enough to where I didn’t cry over my school, but I still stared at the clock, drew depressing things in my sketch book, and waited impatiently for the day to end. Out of everything, my school made me feel the worse.

    With my parents, I never really have anything to say to them. We’ll go out every now and then, or I’ll go down stairs and talk to them, or for example, today, I’ve been helping my mom because she is sick, but other than that, I stay in my room and talk to Tyson(current boyfriend(not his real name)) all day until we fall asleep together. We also play on Xbox together.

    As for my other family, they all live in the old state we lived in, and some of my friends lived close to them. Every summer I’d see my grandparents and my aunt, and I still do, but it gets cut down a bit and I can’t see them as much for Christmas break like I usually do.

    This year, school isn’t as bad. I have two advanced classes now which are pretty easy, a lot of people have actually warmed up to me being in the school (no one talks to me though except for one girl. Either way, I like being alone at school, it helps me focus, get work done, etc), and I’m in yearbook. School also goes by pretty fast. I also really enjoy writing and so I usually write about Tyson because he’s on my mind often. Coming home, getting things done, and then talking to Tyson and hour later helps me a lot as well get over being here. He makes me really happy and feel calm and appreciated.

    Also, when it comes to the living stronger feeling, you’re right, that does put a lot of pressure on me and I do feel like that’s what’s making me feel like I only see him as a friend because I keep feeling less when I think of it, so I feel like that is the cause of it. Any advice on how I can stop pressuring myself in that way?

    And, I know it’s early to say he’s who I want to spend my life with, especially since I have plenty of decades left, but right now, that’s my mind set and my hope.

    Today, I’ve felt a lot more better. It’s been really calm today between me and Tyson and that makes me feel a lot better. I haven’t really had any doubts today and when they come to mind they leave quickly. The doubts are usually the strongest on school days.

    #323197

    Alina
    Participant

    That’s the point though. I want to love him, and I want to be with him. Yes, I feel comfortable around him, yes the doubts have led me to think I only see him as a friend, yes I feel neutral when he sends me things like long, loving paragraphs, but there’s also other things. When I think of him, I smile unintentionally, he makes me happy, even just the thought. When he’s gone for awhile, I miss him a lot, if someone were to ask if I loved him or wanted him, I’d say yes without any hesitation, I call him pet names and say I love him often and I mean it, even if I feel neutral by it. I feel no guilt in saying “This is who I want and I love him,” or, ” this is who I want to spend my life with “. I have a lot of neutral feelings towards him that I wish were stronger. When I mention the spark, I mean the feeling in my mind that knows I love him, that’s gone, but I feel like it’s coming back now, it has been for a little.

    And also, to answer your questions. I would rather not say my age but I am younger than 20, but older than 10. I live with my parents and as a child, I had a close relationship with them, and the rest of my family, but now, I always stay in my room. We go out sometimes though and hang out but not often, and we don’t live near family any more. Every summer break I do get to see my grandparents and cousin though, but I barely talk to my grandparents because we never know what to say.

    We have never communicated on another thread but I did see you in one not too long back when I was looking for answers. It was a few years ago though. I basically had the same exact problem as two people named Jaz and Micky, but the doubts got stronger over time and now I feel like this.

    My boyfriend is going to be leaving soon for a trip, so we won’t be able to talk too much, maybe that’ll help with my feelings. I’ll see how I feel when he’s gone for awhile, maybe that’ll clear things up. I really hope so because I don’t want to leave my boyfriend, I want to stay with him, love him with all I have to give, and have a future with him.

    I have talked to him about this before many times and he’s reassured me that I do love him enough and that I make him happy. He said that I’ve made him feel more loved than any of his past relationships, and he does make me really happy and feel loved.

    If I remember back, with Kade, I never put effort into him. Once I knew I was done with him, I was done. I didn’t bother to text him much anymore, I was hoping he’d leave me every day (because I feel bad when I leave people), I barely texted him, constantly said I didn’t feel comfortable, etc. With my boyfriend now, even though I feel neutral, I’m still putting all my effort in. If he’s upset, I won’t stop trying to help him, if we’re quiet, I won’t stop trying to talk to him, whenever we’re doing things or making a decision, I won’t stop getting his preference, even if I do feel like I don’t love him completely, I won’t leave, I’ll keep trying to love him more and see the good in me, him, and our relationship. He really means a lot to me and I don’t want to lose him.

    #323155

    Alina
    Participant
    1. I was worried because he had never said anything like that. He never seemed that upset. He said there were personal issues going on so I got worried about what those were and why. There was more to what he sent me but it’s personal.
    2. My relationship with Kade was all online. No irl or in-person contact at all.
    3. The messages weren’t anything like asking each other out and stuff. I don’t remember it all clearly, but it was just casual conversations. We would argue with each other one day, next day we’d ask how each other was and talk about our day, if my boyfriend wasn’t on Jax and I would talk. What I remember was that I was being too Friendly for Kade’s liking, but I never knew what his wall was.
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