November 8, 2019 at 2:26 pm #322169
Hello all, This is my first post. I have been in a relationship for over 8 years with children involved. I love him and I know he loves me. I cannot say at this point he is IN LOVE with me because although he says he is,his actions dont show it. The issue is I am very affectionate and he is not. I feel like we are roommates at this point and while I tell him I need more effort in the relationship he tells me everyone loves differently. There are no kisses hello or good bye or dates or one on one time unless it’s for sex. He is perfectly content with just focusing on our family and sitting on a couch on the phone.i want to make this work and have been reading on relationships and me EXPECTING him to do things can lead to hurt. I am feeling resentful and hurt that he says he loves me but he cannot put an effort to show it. I am questioning myself. Am I asking for too much?! How can I shift my mind set to not expect a hug or a kiss or a date to prove that he cares? I’m running on E and questioning if I should leave even tho we love each other. I have always been affectionate and I am even holding back at this point because I’m so hurt. Any advise would be greatNovember 8, 2019 at 2:50 pm #322175
“Am I asking for too much?”- no.
“How can I shift my mind set to not expect a hug or a kiss or a date..?”- I don’t think you can.
Reads to me that he has become selfish: he is very comfortable with the way it is (“he is perfectly content”), he figures you will not leave him if it continues to be the way it is, and he doesn’t mind that you are dissatisfied.
You are already considering leaving the relationship. If it will be uncomfortable for him to no longer live with you, and if you are willing to separate from him unless he changes some of his ways, I suggest that let him know that you are proceeding with separate living arrangements and take the first step in that direction. This may shake his comfort with the way things are. He may figure that will be more comfortable for him to take you on a date once a week or so and kiss you hello and goodbye than to live separately.
I hope to read more from you.
anitaNovember 8, 2019 at 8:15 pm #322203
When you told him you need more effort, what did you say specifically? Did you generalize it as “I need more effort” or did you specifically say “I would like kisses hello and goodbye,” and “I’d like to go on a date twice a month (or whatever time frame)?” I think people do much better when they are given specifics, especially if they’re on a different page. He’s right that everyone loves differently. That’s why there are 5 “love languages” rather than just 1, so he may just not at all understand why you feel this way, but only because he doesn’t need the same things you do to feel loved.
So… if you were general with him, I would talk to him about it one more time. When you talk to him about it, don’t criticize (not saying you are, but just mentioning this because a lot of people do) or accuse, as in “You don’t put in much effort,” or “you won’t take me on dates,” as that can make the other person shut down and stop listening. Instead, frame the questions like I said above “I would really love it if you’d give me a kiss hello and goodbye.” “I would appreciate it so much if we could go on a date a couple times a month, that would really make me feel loved.” and go from there. Just that framing alone can make someone more receptive because we do want to please the ones we love, especially when they’re specifically telling us how to in such a loving way.
With that said, I don’t think you’re asking too much at all and I don’t think you need to shift your mindset either, because what you need to feel loved in a relationship is what you need (and that’s okay!) and what you’re looking for are really such simple, small things, but I think, if you haven’t already, you should make sure you are verbalizing to him specifically what you’d like him to do. However, if you’ve been specific with your needs and he just brushes it off and can’t do those simple things for you, I’d begin to further consider the option of leaving because you deserve to have your needs met, too. Perhaps he just needs a wake-up call in that case to shake him out of the comfort zone he’s in.November 9, 2019 at 6:01 am #322225
When you say “children involved” do you mean the children you created with him or the children that were there before the relationship?
It’s so interesting to me that you never married. When you are not married you see your partner as Optional or even as Temporary. When you are married, the relationship becomes Real. It’s NOT just a piece of paper.
Honestly I like Anita’s advice: Make movements to leave. Call a relator. Tell him it’s not working. Of course, you don’t actually have to follow through on it but that should shake him up to put a ring on it or at least dates/affection/flowers.
One caveat: As we age our needs are different. I remember in my thirties I would be miserable because my husband never brought me flowers anymore (YouTube Neil Diamond and Barbra Streisand). My emotional life WAS “You Don’t Bring me Flowers Anymore”. P.S. My husband is an engineer LOL.
Now I don’t think of flowers anymore. When he does bring them home I panic that I missed Valentines Day or an Anniversary or something.