Dear Tee,
Hope you’re doing well

Good to hear! Did you have a situation in which you stopped yourself from using sarcasm and responded differently?

Yes. I did stop sarcasm in a harmful way. It’s been more than a week I think
I’ve watched both of the videos about the Empathy
Important thing I realized that it makes them think you’re on their side and it builds trust and how much important communication style is… And also think how would I feel?

And for anger
I found out that there is still some level of controlling behavior
Because of someone says No I can’t directly accept it. It really opened my eyes that it’s just my expatiations towards them. Also about making mistakes it’s the perfectionist inside of me that gets angry.
So it’s a signal and not a solution

I spent two hours on journaling this morning 😀

Yes, the child always blames themselves when the parent criticizes them. Later, when you got older, you saw that their behavior was wrong, but the child part of you still believed that he is the one to blame, that he’s not good enough. And now your inner critic (which are the internalized voices of your father and mother) is blaming your inner child. The same dynamic as when you were a child, only now the critic is within your own head, not outside.

Yes I agree. That’s why today while meditating I tried to connect my inner child. And it did felt good. I think not just today but like I’m already connected with my innerself/child more or less because that’s why I rarely feel alone and very comfortable spending time with myself

You can try it when you get upset about something and your first reaction is to beat yourself up for not being super calm and serene. You can tell yourself “it’s okay Addy that you feel angry, no wonder you feel angry, this was indeed hurtful what they did… ” And so you validate your own anger, instead of scolding yourself for it.

You can also get yourself a cute fluffy animal (a teddy bear or something that symbolizes your inner child) and hug that animal and talk to it, caress it… Maybe it will help you communicate better with your inner child if you have something physical, not just an image in your head.

I like how simply you guide with step by step. Maybe I’ll try that…
Although nowadays I did start spending time with my neighbor’s little kid. and oh boy It’s really fun. and funny enough I do feel kinda caring father towards him. I’m teaching him how to ride a bicycle and it did give me water in the corner of my eyes time to time.
So does that counts?

You will, just have a lot of patience with yourself. Small steps, baby steps… and lots of validation of your own feelings, rather than judging yourself for it.

Also, if you get frustrated with yourself for not healing faster, instead of criticizing and blaming yourself, have empathy for yourself, have patience, tell yourself it’s okay, you’re fine, you’re lovable, there’s nothing wrong with you… The key is self-acceptance, radical acceptance of all your feelings, allowing them to be…. without judging yourself for it.

The paradox is that the more accepting we are of our “faults” and “imperfections”, the faster we heal. That’s the power of self-compassion.

Well as in INFJ + Aries it’s not really easy but yeah I’m trying and I’m lot patient than before

I’ve read that combing traits are great a visionary leader, but it can also present some challenges. Like struggle with self-doubt and insecurity, and find it difficult to trust own instincts and abilities, also have difficulty setting boundaries and saying no to others, and may feel overwhelmed by the demands and expectations of others

Dear Tee,
I’m glad you’re doing better.

you haven’t started trusted them suddenly, right? You were still afraid that maybe you shared too much and that they haven’t shared that much about their own weaknesses, which might put you in an unfavorable position.
You see? Their supportive reaction didn’t do anything to disperse that fear of yours and make you trust them more…

Yes you’re right and It does took time for me to start trusting them. I’m guessing I need to loosen up hard grip a bit more

No, not at all. Not everyone is well intentioned and have our best interest in mind. You don’t need to show too much vulnerability in professional settings. Or with acquaintances and people you only know superficially. Or even with some family members, with whom you don’t feel safe.

I totally agree

And you’d need to be open to listen to your partner if she has such worries herself, and empathize with her, without judgment.

Both of you would need to be free to be yourself in the relationship, i.e. to be authentic, without sugar-coating things, pretending, hiding parts of yourself, or walking on eggshells etc.

Yes, I think some of these are the things that I have work on for my romantic relationships

That would include feelings of hurt, anger, sadness, impatience, envy, jealousy and other negative feelings that you may have either towards yourself, your partner, or other people. I am not saying you have all those feelings, just that these emotions would be unacceptable for you to express to your partner, right?

Yes so expressing this kind of negative feelings I just don’t know how to do that well, I don’t feel comfortable and I just try being more sarcastic or just sugar-coat things maybe?

For example, you said you’ve been trying to be patient with your current girlfriend… but I can imagine it was hard for you, and you might have been trying to hide your anger and impatience? You didn’t want to show it, but yet, you felt it?

Yes, Exactly!

You’re still in the phase of looking for a suitable partner, right? And perhaps a suitable partner for you would be someone who shares the wanderlust, who likes to travel and hike and enjoys similar activities like you do. What I am trying to say is that having a deep, intimate relationship is not in contradiction with e.g. your love for adventure.

However, fear of emotional intimacy is indeed in contradiction with having a deep, intimate relationship. Those two don’t go together.

That does sounds nice, But I don’t really know what kind of person I want to be with or the fact if I want deep emotional intimacy with someone just yet. I just don’t feel like ready for it?

Anyway, I think the solution is in rewriting some key scripts from your childhood, i.e. saying what needs to be said to your parents.

I think I already did that in my childhood like not in front of my parents but l did that because I knew that it’s wrong but out of respect I wasn’t be able to tell them their mistakes

But I can try again in my imagination as you suggested

The above is called finishing the unfinished business. The best would be to do it in therapy, with a skillful therapist.

Okay I will do that. Probably from next month

(Don’t do it to your parents’ faces).

Obviously not.

The idea is to express what you need to express, feel all your emotions (including anger and hurt) and by doing that, put an end to the “old script”. The old script is where you just endured and accepted abuse silently, made excuses for your father, and pretended that all is fine in front of your mother.

Yes expressing these things aren’t easy for me but still I’ll try and hopefully finish this unfinished business and be strong and vulnerable at the same time.
you’re very understanding and insightful person. So thanks for your valuable insights, I highly appreciate it.🙏

And another thing is that I’m trying to love myself but I’m doubting myself too. Maybe that’s all these questions and confusion is there?

Dear Tee,

Right… so it seems to me that she felt inferior in your relationship, specially since you’ve never or rarely shared about your own weaknesses and vulnerability……………………… And you didn’t like that about her. So you stopped being attracted to her, and eventually left her. Does this roughly describe what happened?

Yes actually you guessed it very well.

 You did share some of your “imperfections” and self-doubts. And how did they respond to that?

They both were supportive and trying show me the bright side. But even though I felt like I was being too much vulnerable with them and they’re kind of not that much open? But that may could be also because I told them about my complaining thing

You said that you start feeling trapped very soon after the initial elation about the girl. So when you shared those weaknesses or yours, being authentic, several months into the relationship – at that point did you already start feeling trapped in the relationship?

Hmm I mean I feel trapped after there is good bond. I know good enough about her and she knows good enough about me and then there’s this commitment you know like okay you both love each other and now you’re couple and then this fear of commitment and fear if we’re really good for each other.. about the future.. It just comes and starts to eat up my mind from everywhere and it makes me feel stuck…
So because of this fear of commitment and etc I talked to my friends and they told to go for casual things.. And I’m still confused if that’s really for me or not because I need to feel connected as well but without too much attachment…
Finally just tired and I’m just more focused on work

Dear Tee and Dear Anita,

Tee Wrote*

If you believe that you cannot be honest with the other person, that you need to pretend to be perfect (perfectly happy and capable and optimistic and driven) – then no wonder you’ll feel trapped.

So it seems to me that you believe – due to your childhood conditioning – that you need to fake it in relationships, and you don’t want that. You’d rather be alone.

Anyway, that’s my best guess…

What do you think?

 Anita Wrote*
While I am at it, examples: Oct 2: “Dear Anita. How was your weekend?“, Oct 29: “Dear Anita: How are you? Good Plans for the weekend?” – too close, too friendly, we are not that close. Feels Fake to me.

I appreciate that. Maybe you’re right maybe you’re wrong I don’t know
But as of now I’m thinking like being fake like that takes an effort too. And I don’t think I’m that much effortful my relationships or with other people

I prefer authenticity that’s what I know
Because When I broke up with my 1^st gf (Not LDR) Just because she was trying to fit in with me. I knew she’s doing these things and showing she’s enjoying (More or less) Hiking and Walking for hours at the beach..etc but I knew she’d prefer more if it’s indoor activities
And that’s what you can say not being authentic or faking?

But what I agree with is this what you (Anita) told me before,

(2) your openings are very outgoing and very optimistic. Some people will like it, others will not feel anything in particular about it, and yet those of us who are significantly less outgoing and optimistic than you appear to be- will not like it. “I hope you’re having great Sunday morning“- is too optimistic for me: I am not in the habit of experiencing great mornings, nor do I expect great mornings, or great days: good is…  good enough for me.  When replying to a person’s message/ communicating with a person, pay attention to their style and somewhat adjust your outgoingness and optimism to theirs.

So that could be my communication part.

If (in another dimension) I was your age and I was your long-distance girlfriend, and this is how you opened your communications with me, I would feel inadequate for not having great and happy weekends myself, wondering:  what’s wrong with me for not having weekends as happy and as great as Addy’s?

Then my answer would No because in that case my opening communications would be lot different and even more on in your words “Extremely optimistic and outgoing”

I’m not sure how it’s in USA but things like this in my culture These are very basic gestures here

Dear Anita. How was your weekend?

Dear Anita, Hope you’re having a happy weekend

Have you eaten?

Did you sleep well?

How was your journey…etc

So again it’s my communication part

I should know that all doesn’t come from same culture. And different people take this in different ways.

Addy

Dear Tee,
How’s your weekend going?

Buckle up because this is going to be a long one 😆

I guess you didn’t want to admit it to your father out of spite, because you didn’t want him to see you as weak and needy. Maybe another reason is that he didn’t approve of “weak” boys (maybe he sent you the message that “boys don’t cry”?)…….

The thing was that he was mostly indirectly comparing. Like He’s stronger/intelligent than you. (That’s how lot of village parents are) kind of competitive with kids… They be like my kid did this, My kid did that.. etc.. it’s just how it goes here even in small town areas… All just want to protect their own ego by using kids. It’s sad but yeah…

So I already knew no matter what I do someone would do something better and there’s just no end of that. So I decided like I’m out of the competition I don’t care what my father says anymore.
I don’t need his approval. But when I stopped looking for his approval after few years when I started things by myself and doing well without his help he’s more supportive with me. Even though in my tough times my parents were supportive with me when I wasn’t be able to find a job. But the thing is they’re still comparing they see me better because some other kids in village in bad line of work and now he’s like we’re happy, You took your time but at least you’re not doing anything wrong. But there’s also a thing about it. I definitely learned honesty from my parents. (Me and my parents talked about that on call for more than hour)
So yeah… Things are complex to explain

Even to this day, you don’t want her to see you in a bad mood. You put a big smile whenever you talk to her and pretend that all is well, don’t you? And your mother likes it when you wear that signature smile of yours, “the brightest smile”.

In fact, this attitude of yours:

I don’t want complaint about him or as a matter of fact complain about anything. I just don’t see any value in doing that.

…. seems to me like a direct consequence of your mother’s expectation/plea to stay silent and not to complain about your father’s abuse. There was no point in complaining because you didn’t want to upset her. Was that the reason you left home at the age of 16  – so you wouldn’t need to take your father’s abuse silently any more?

Hmm it’s not that my mother likes it when I hide, But there’s a motherly thing you know, Like if I’m sad and I just act like I’m good she just knows.. Even on the phone. So also sometimes she pretends that she doesn’t know that I know because she knows I don’t like her seeing worried. But still tells me it’ll be alright.

Now about my father.. I don’t think she wanted stop complaining and blah blah blah.. One thing I learned from my mother is always try to look the side where you’re able to do positive action without conflict. (Because of the Family) And as I said before here people just respect their father more so the wife their husbands, And she just didn’t wanted to make things worse between us. There was a time when I was talking rarely to my father (On the phone – Because It’s been years I’m living by myself) So she would just call me a tell me to talk to my father. Because my father had his own ego he’d be telling my mom that he misses me but he wouldn’t directly call me.
So my mom to me is like “one of you have be the understanding one, Now you decide”
She’s just trying our family to hold together,
And I have to respect the woman who put all things aside in her life just for a family.

It’s a false way to protect your heart, which results in you being insincere and cynical. A better way would be to say something like “What you just said hurt me. Please don’t use that tone with me in the future.” So you express your vulnerability, but also your willingness to protect yourself and to set boundaries so people can’t hurt you so easily. Perhaps it can be called the way of a gentle warrior… 

Hmm.. Not an easy thing to do.. But I can try and I can start by setting the boundaries which I never did before. So I’ll have to look into boundaries topic and be a Gentle warrior 😀
You can tell me more about it if you want

Dear Anita:
Okay thanks next time I’ll try that. I want to be a good leader so feedback like this would definitely help me.