Hey Tee,

Actually, I am only now starting to learn to be more resilient. These health issues made me feel very fragile physically, but I’ve realized I am also fragile emotionally. For example, believing that I’d never heal, worrying, catastrophizing etc. And I’ve learned that those are all symptoms of health anxiety. So now I’ve learned how to cope with that anxiety, and also to start seeing myself as more resilient (physically) than I thought I was.

So nowadays, whenever I have a flare-up of my symptoms, I don’t start despairing and thinking my life is over, but I let it pass. And within a few days, my symptoms do subside and I feel better again. So this is how I am learning resilience… by tolerating physical pain 🙂 But it’s been hard, a very hard lesson.. but anyway, that’s life, I hope I am now stronger because of it 🙂

Oh actually I didn’t even know there’s a specifically thing like health anxiety exist. But I’m glad you found a way to cope with that anxiety. I guess we always find a way one way or another. And I do like your approach because in your situation combining with physical pain so it’s easy to feel fragile and anxious! so Keep up your good work 😀

So you ended up not applying for that entry level job, which was paying well and looked promising?

I did apply but unfortunately didn’t get selected. Someone with even higher experience than me started working there with less salary package. But I didn’t sulk over that because it was months ago and I thought maybe that person needed that job more than me.

I am sorry it’s been so stressful for you. Are the opportunities so limited or you are somewhat picky, looking for a very specific thing?

It’s the IT job market in general. There aren’t even enough jobs open, on top of that layoffs. And what I’m looking for is working in HealthTech or Sustainability sector. Because I think it’s meaningful for me and also impactful.

Luckily just Thursday I passed initial interview for this Healthtech company. It’s really good position. Took me really long to get selected for a position like that. It’s also fully remote. And enough pay that I can also move to Europe without any issues.

Now I have next technical interview on Next Wednesday. but I have high hope for this as well as this crazy fear and anxiety that what if I don’t perform well and don’t get it? It’s a really good opportunity that I just don’t want to lose. And it’s just not even letting me practice with good focus. Because this one has multiple stage of interviews after interview on Wednesday there will be two more interviews. And I Need to ace all of this interviews.

I see. It just occurred to me that when you are under stress and feeling bad about something (like with the job search at the moment), you don’t need anyone around to support you. Like, a romantic relationship isn’t a resource for you, but a burden, it seems? And so you tend to get rid of the relationship, to feel less burdened, right?

When I talked about this my therapist while ago she said at difficult time that’s what exactly you need, someone who really supports you and she told me try to stop always being self-dependent. But tbh I’m not able to do that for now. My focus for job is sharp. Because currently it’s a necessity.

It seems she really likes you and is waiting for you. I am kind of rooting for the two of you too 🙂 Because she seems like a good girl… But anyway, you’ll see. Those things cannot (and shouldn’t) be forced, that’s for sure.

You’re right and like you know we discussed before like I need to be more hopeFul romantic not hopeLess romantic. But I don’t know why but I’m still very hopeless about love. On top of that because of this kind of thinking I’m already feeling like I’d end up alone and no one would love me with their whole heart if I’m keep rejecting love like this.

Because tbh I do really like her but I just don’t see future in her even though she’s really good I just don’t know why…

Oh I am sorry about that. I also had some eye issues, and it was very frightening, but I did get better, thankfully. I hope your therapist will get better too.

I hope so. Because with another therapist it’s all from 0 to 1. And more than that It’s the good relationship you know. Because I want good connection too.

Are you doing those exercises? Are you in touch with her? I mean, is she available at least from time to time? Because self-healing is hard, although not impossible.

I’m not able to doing those exercises daily tbh. But yes I’m in touch with her. And just look her dedication she said we can communicate over written letters like the old times. And she won’t even charge me any fees for that. She also believes everything happens for a reason, and this would help her do more writing which she always wanted to do in her teenage years, How would I think about changing a therapist like this?

Self-healing is indeed not easy. But at the end of the day therapists are only like a guide but all the inner work we have to do by ourselves so..

I’ve heard once a great concept, which is that emotional wounds happened in a relationship, and that’s why we also need a relationship to heal them. A therapeutic relationship primarily. Or we need to have a strong sense of self-compassion, which is like having an inner therapist rather than the inner critic. Unless we have developed a strong inner coach/therapist/good parent figure, emotional healing is hard to do on our own.

So I think it would make sense to try to find another therapist – someone you do have a good rapport with. Unless you’re feeling you’re making progress on your own too?

 

That’s indeed a great concept and I guess I’m trying to bring that inner therapist/parent figure more. For example. Uncle Iroh or Krishnaji (Lord Krishna). And that’s why I’m blaming myself much less than I used to.

Well I do feel like I’m making a progress but for different perspective I wouldn’t mind you telling what do you think my progress so far? Because obviously you continuously contributing a huge part in my healing journey. Because we started communicating long before I even started therapy.

Hi Tee!

Yay! I’m really glad! I guess long vacation did helped in some ways :D, Where did you travelled if you don’t mind me asking.
Yes that’s right let your eyes rest. No need to say sorry.

I’m still being resilient and applying for jobs.

Hi Tee,

sorry for the delay, I am on holidays and spending less time at the computer.

That’s fine! I hope you’re enjoying your holidays well 😀

Thank you! Although I have to say, these last few days have been rough health-wise, so it was hard to stay optimistic. But then it eventually got better again, and I can keep on keeping on…

I got fever too (2-3 Days) and damn that’s not easy, and for your health it’s much complex and bigger so I understand, and I admire your strength to keeping on.

I guess when you start working on those attachment wounds and the fear of intimacy and vulnerability. When you heal enough so you won’t feel threatened by being in a relationship. Because right now, you probably fear that you’ll lose your freedom, independence, ability to do what you enjoy doing, right?

This? Yes I fear that!

Maybe you’re also afraid of being judged, so you feel you need to perform and meet certain expectations, and can’t just be yourself in the relationship?

But I don’t think I’m afraid of being judged anymore in the relationship because nothing is more energy draining than act as per like someone’s expectations person by person. That’s like people pleasing but out of relationship situation I still have some people pleasing tendencies.

But you said your girlfriend isn’t really rushing to get married and have children. So it seems she isn’t the cause of stress but it’s more like that you’re telling yourself that being in a relationship means needing to settle down and have children within the 2-3 year time span. So it’s more like the false belief and the expectation that you are putting on yourself is what causes you pressure, rather than your girlfriend putting pressure on you, right?

She’s not rushing because she knows I’m not serious like her into this relationship, When we met for our second date, she did mention that she’s tired and she wants to settle down. Because even she thinks finding love isn’t easy at all. She literally sends me cute baby videos on IG time to time! And she also suggested adopting a kitten together when my cat ran away, I may have been taking it the wrong way, but you know what that means right? But yeah these are just my assumptions… But saying indirect “yes” to those things means taking things next level and going into the pool!

So I’d say he never gave you the freedom to be yourself – even if he gave you the freedom to move away from home.

Hmm so it’s like for his own ego and comfort?

I don’t know if he meant to say that he might have made mistakes in your (and your siblings’) upbringing? If he is willing to admit that he might have made mistakes, that’s already something. Because my mother isn’t willing to admit that.

Well like I’ve told you he did said sorry to my grandmother when we had a fight in the past. Not directly to me but still yeah

Haha, you said you were in your late 20s, so I put the highest possible age. But if you’re even younger than that, then my words have an even bigger weight!  Because you’re really young and the entire life is ahead of you.

But you know how days are going? Like a blink of an eye! I feel so nostalgic watching old anime it feels like yesterday when I used to watch those things. Also I do have to mention that I guess I’m using that to sooth myself from this really fast paced AI world.

Your inner critic used the opportunity to judge you for being lazy and not working on actively defending yourself from…. the inner critic himself! You see that mechanism?

But but isn’t that rational and right? 😅

The inner critic uses everything to turn things against you, even my advice on how to get rid of it! So just pay attention to that and notice every time you scold yourself for anything. Because every such scolding is the inner critic in action.

Hmm I guess I’ll have to try more

If you like the position and it pays well even at the entry level, and it gives you an opportunity for career advancement – then sure, go for it! The only question is – how come the entry level pays more than the manager level somewhere else? Have you checked if this company is legit and there are no scams involved? If they are legit, if there’s nothing fishy, then I’d say take it, by all means.

Thanks and They’re legal and it’s not a scam, It’s paying well because they raised lot of funding recently even during this time! So, they have a lot of confidence for their product and I like that. And I even researched for their salary data and they’re paying Product person 4x higher!

Hey Tee,

I am a bit better health-wise, so I had a good weekend. I mean, nothing special, but pleasant and mostly pain-free, which is a miracle when it happens.

I’m glad to know that. I like that you have very grateful perspective towards this.

I am so sorry your new cat ran away Perhaps she’ll come back?

She still didn’t. But I’m not that much worried like a cat before. Because I don’t know I have a feeling that she’ll survive.

Okay, so you’re determined not to get married. Have you ever talked about the future and topics like marriage and children? What does she say about you wanting to work remotely and possibly moving to a different city? Do you talk about that?

I mean she already is well aware about my plans for remote working and moving to different cities and because of her profession she can’t do it even if she wants to, and for marriage we both decided to not rush and after that I told her no for a love relationship so…

It seems she feels the connection at the moment, as she is comforting you about your job loss and all that. She feels a certain closeness, and I guess that’s why she doesn’t feel that you’re not giving her what she needs. But she did feel it in the past – that’s why she was tempted to go back to her ex. So I guess right now she feels close to you, because you’re open to receiving her love and support. But once you’ll be in a better place and less fragile, she might experience that you’re withdrawing again…

Hmm I guess you’re right but I don’t want her to stuck with me for confusing type of love. She deserves something much more and direct, But she still wants to spend time with me because she may have that hope of finding a way to my heart key.. and because of my career now I’m focused only on that instead of relationship.

Yes, it’s hard to accept that. I too was hoping that my mother would realize that she hurt me and that she didn’t give me the kind of love I needed. But she refused to see it. She still believes she was a good mother and I am an ungrateful daughter.

What? She still believes that she was a good mother and it was your fault?? How? Why?

Oh I didn’t know there is JOMO too, as opposed to FOMO But yeah, we can’t do everything and be at more places at one time. Life is about choices, and we choose one thing at the expense of other. Even if this other thing is also good. But still, we need to make choices and omit certain things, because our time and resources are limited. You also omit a lot during sleep, if you think about it, and yet, you need sleep, because those are your biological limits.

Yes but the thing is that because I made some bad choices in the past now I have fear that I may make bad choices again and everyone says these years of life are golden years so it’s like break it or make it so later on I don’t want to regret that I didn’t make good choices… I guess it’s also one of the reasons for my low self-esteem. You see what I mean?

Are you worried about missing out on travel? Or you’re more worried about being late in your achievements and career success?

Actually both!

 Well, they are very short-sighted and stingy, and you shouldn’t be sorry for leaving that company. I hope you’ll find some place where they’ll appreciate people like you more, and not take advantage of them and them toss them away

Yes but companies are really scared of slow economy so they’re putting money first instead of people.

Yeah, I understand that people are rushing to find just anything, because they need the money and the opportunities are shrinking. But if you can afford to wait a little longer, then do it. Don’t fall for the fear that you won’t find anything – because you sure will, if it comes to that. But maybe you’ll have to be less picky, you’ll see about that.

Right so I started to apply for position that also related to Product Management means much broader and more opportunities… and after working like 6 months to 1 year I can start applying for the position that are stronger for PM roles because Let’s hope by then job market would be better? What do you think?

Ola Tee,

How was your weekend?

I wouldn’t know about that. But I guess you should train her how to use the toilette and stuff like that. I’ve never had a pet, so cannot really give advice on that…

Well actually she ran away yesterday evening ☹

So you are sure that you don’t want this to grow into something long term, possibly even marriage?

Nope. No marriage

Now, you’d need to chose her. I know it’s really hard for you, due to your attachment issues. But I am just saying – I think it would be a worthy effort to work on your fear of commitment, while in the relationship with her. I think making that effort would actually make sense, and it wouldn’t be a waste of time.

So I think this would be my answer to your question: So should I stay put and live in the moment while it last or should I do something else?

Work on your fear of commitment, while staying in the relationship. Don’t stay in that fear forever, without challenging it. That’s my advice.

Well lately I feel like a fraud because she’s been very supportive with everything that’s going on and I feel like I’m using her just for my emotional comfort and physical needs not giving her the love that she’s craving from me. I literally said this to her on her face because I didn’t want any dishonesty, but she was like I’m just being silly.

Yes, constant criticism and shaming is actually emotional abuse. It’s actively inflicting a wound on you, telling you how bad and faulty you are. What your mother did was more like emotional neglect, I think, because she tolerated your father’s treatment of you and didn’t protect you from it. She wasn’t actively harming you, but she let your father harm you with his criticism.

Hmm I see I understand now

Maybe this is a silly question but I am not familiar with children’s obligations regarding financing their parents and grandparents. So you said earlier that you have a responsibility to give a certain amount to your parents monthly. Is it because  they are not that well off, or it’s a custom in India and adult children are obliged to do it regardless?

Well it is more like a custom in India. especially If you’re an older sibling Which I am

As for the fact that you have such a father – you’ll have to mourn that, I guess. I am sorry that my mother is like she is, and that we’ll never have a close, loving relationship. She is incapable of that. So I gave it up. My relationship with her is very superficial. It’s sad, but it can’t be more than that – if I want to respect myself and not allow her to hurt me.

Yes you’re right and I guess I’m just not able to easily accept this truth and still hoping that he might change, But we don’t know. So I guess that’s what hard for me

No, you needed their emotional support as a child. It was a crucial need back then and because it wasn’t met, it caused damages (which you are trying to rectify and heal now, as an adult). But you don’t need their emotional support now. Your well-being and emotional health doesn’t depend on it. You can get support elsewhere (in therapy, for example). You can also give yourself the support and validation that you needed from them as a child. In short, you can now become a good parent to yourself.

Yes I’m trying to be a good parent to myself, Trying to be kinder with myself day to day

So yes, try to have more compassion for yourself, appreciate everything you’ve achieved so far and tell yourself that you did a great job. Be Uncle Iroh to yourself, not the heartless drill sergeant…

Yes that’s what I’m trying I think being mindful is really helping me a lot, So most of the time when I get negative thoughts my mind tells me not be anxious and worried and appreciate things.

Yes, that’s one of your major tasks. So now try not to blame yourself for being “late” and “behind schedule”. You’re not late for anything,

That’s one of the hardest thing I have to work on I guess, Because I’m very afraid of getting older and missing out on things, and while meditation I did deep think about this matter like no matter what, we can’t do absolutely everything. So just learn JOMO. Joy of missing out. Being present in the moment instead of worrying about future and stuff, Don’t compare, Ever one of us have their own unique journey, But not easy at all my rational mind ask me lot of other questions that makes me feel behind

Hi Tee,
Do you know what caused it?

Well they said it’s for organizational restructure and for budget purposes. But mainly we all think they don’t want to pay to people for “building” or “managing” new services just because it’s working fine now so they think they can save thousands of dollars for few months… So basically, its like the full course meal is ready for them and they going to feed themselves on for few months.

Perhaps you can send some more applications, even for jobs that aren’t remote only – to increase your chances?

Well you know I already feel missing out on things and less freedom because I had to go to the office sometimes and wasn’t able to change the cities. Now I don’t want to stuck in the same loop and feel the same way. Like I already feel like I’m getting old, and I haven’t seen this beautiful world enough..

Heyya Tee,

I’d easily slip into depression. And I need to battle that.

And you’re fighting this battle  very well Tee, Keep it up 😀

Haha, cats don’t do anything if they’re not happy – they always put themselves first. So she must be happy

I was wondering, So I have a friend who have 3 cats and her cats are so well behaved and healthy because her mother was around and I guess she taught her kitten to how to get around? But this kitten is like only a month old and she have no idea what’s going on or how to do things. That’s why I have to take care of more than “Normal”

She is hoping she found or will find a loophole in your armor, I guess.

Hmm she better know how stubborn I am.

Okay, if you also talk about your own vulnerability, and perhaps your own fears, and she is understanding, that’s good. I guess you appreciate her being understanding and not judging you, right?

Yes I do appreciate that, and It’s not like we talking everyday but still…

I’ve just looked up how FWB is defined. And it doesn’t necessarily exclude emotional bond, but the most significant feature is lack of commitment. You said you have fear of commitment. It also makes you uncomfortable to say “I love you” (or to hear her say it), I guess because it carries a future expectation of a committed relationship. So I guess if there is fear of the future and fear of commitment, even though you’re enjoying things at the moment, I guess that would still be defined as FWB.

Hmm I see, Well I guess then it’s my first FWB? Lol 😂

And yeah there is fear of commitment there, I accept that, but you know that I don’t want to move forward than FWB with this girl, So should I stay put and live in the moment while it last or should I do something else?

Not sure I understand your question. The article talks about how it’s easy to fall in love, when hormones are high and we might be seeing the person through rose-colored glasses. But once the honeymoon phase is over, we need to make an effort to understand the person, to work on ourselves and our own issues, to not project things on them etc. In that sense, love requires effort.

Ah that’s right and that’s why lot of young people are like that because most of the people don’t like to put real efforts for love. They quit after the honeymoon phase. I’m also did something similar, Whenever my relationship got complex, I just quit it. Though I did feel like I did put lot of efforts.

Okay, so try to reduce reading about those mega success stories, because it makes you feel bad about yourself. And it would make most people bad about themselves. It’s the worse when we compare ourselves to others, and that’s exactly what your father and grandfather were doing to you, and now you’re doing it to yourself.

Yes you’re right. I’m not using twitter anymore. I uninstalled it.

I wish you success!

Thanks a lot! 😀

You mean he tried to hit you and your mother only twice? But I thought he’d get angry with you often and scolded you for even the slightest mistake. You said he made you feel dumb whenever you made a mistake (the minute I make a mistake I’m dumb). He was also comparing you to other students, telling you you should be grateful for the material support he is providing and why can’t you learn better. He was also having perfectionist expectations on you. All this is emotional abuse, even though he wasn’t physically violent.

I mean, his criticism didn’t happen only twice, right? He wasn’t displeased with you only twice, but it was a common theme, it happened all the time. You grew up feeling not good enough, due to his constant criticism and shaming. That’s emotional abuse, SereneWolf, not emotional neglect.

Ah Okay I see now, so his constant criticism and perfectionist expectations are also count as an emotional abuse. I thought it’s emotional neglect because he didn’t care about my emotions or even noticed but I see your point now. I have to talk about this to my therapist as well!

Yeah, that’s passive aggression, I’d say. He doesn’t want to say what he needs directly, but is scolding you and your brother for not reading his mind and assuming what he needs. He is making you guilty for something that’s not your fault at all.

Yeah I know right!? I was this close to lose my mind. I mean what’s problem in just saying clearly?

Not willing to take responsibility for one’s actions and always blaming others is a mark of a toxic personality. It seems he is now less “in your face” about his expectations, but still does that indirectly, without saying it out loud, but still you can feel the sting.

I guess you’re right. How should I save myself from this? Even building boundaries isn’t working much. And I’m aware it’s his problem not mine but it does bother me.

Yes, they (your father and grandfather) made you feel guilty if you brought home anything less than straight As, right? They made themselves into martyrs, while you were the bad, ungrateful son/grandson for disappointing them and “torturing” them like that.

That was putting so much pressure on you. No wonder you felt like a burden – because they made you feel like one. And then you left home, because you didn’t want to be guilt-tripped by them any more, right? You rejected their “nurturance”. You told your father: “I don’t need your help to take care of myself. I know how to handle things.” So you were fed up with his guilt tripping and making you feel like a burden. You decided to be on your own. “Self-sufficient” at 16.

But do you see how this “self-sufficiency” is a defense mechanism? It was born out of being blamed all the time, feeling like a burden all the time, and wanting to break free from that. With moving out, you basically told your father “I don’t need anything from you”. But that’s not true – the child always needs support from their parents, both material and emotional. But this was a defense mechanism, because you didn’t want to endure that blame and guilt-tripping any more.

Yes you understood very well! But after all this you still think I need emotional support of my parents? Because I just started to feel validated without their validation.

So I started working much earlier without even getting my bachelor’s first then I was blaming myself that I didn’t focused on my studies like other people otherwise I’d be more educated now…

In order to support yourself, you had to work, and so no wonder that you couldn’t get your bachelor’s degree on time. But then you blamed yourself for not studying enough like other people. Well, now it’s time to stop blaming yourself and understand that leaving home was a self-protection mechanism, born out of despair and not wanting to be abused any more.  So instead of blaming yourself, try to find compassion for yourself – for the young boy of 16 who ventured out into the world to support himself, because his family was emotionally so cruel to him. So rejecting. So conditional love.

And congratulate yourself because you’ve managed to get your bachelor’s later on, in spite of working full time, which is always much harder. And now you’re even in the process of getting a master’s degree, if I remember well? So congratulate yourself for all your educational achievements, even if you got them a few years later than planned, due to objective circumstances.

Remember, you’re not lazy and “good for nothing”, but it’s that you needed to work in parallel with studying, which makes you actually a high achiever. Even though your father believes you are “less than”, tell yourself that you are a high achiever and very resilient. Because you made it in spite of the objective difficulties.

Wow that’s powerful! Thanks a lot Tee, Thanks for pointing out and made me more aware about this! And yes I think main reason for all this is that I’ve always been and still blaming myself for everything that happened. Being too much “Self-sufficient” like it’s all my responsibility, Like I could’ve done better, even though I was just doing things as per my circumstances. That’s why it’s been hard for me find compassion for myself. And yes I’m indeed a high achiever and very resilient. Thanks again for your positive reminder! I appreciate it 🤗

Oh yes, neuroplasticity is a great thing, because our neural circuits can literally change as we focus on positive things and start having a more positive mindset.

Yes it is!

Well, it seems like you’re still comparing yourself to others in terms of professional success, and are feeling “less than” and that you haven’t achieved enough etc. I hope what I said above might help you put things into perspective and have more empathy for yourself and your life path so far.

Yes you’re right and yeah what you said is really helpful! I did learned empathy but for others, I think I still have to learn having more empathy and compassion for myself.

Yes, try to focus less on other people’s achievements. Don’t compare yourself to others. We all have our individual stories and our unique challenges. We also all have different lessons to learn in life. You only need to focus on yourself and your own life.

100% Right!

Bonjour Tee,

How are you doing? How’s your weekend going?

 How are you getting along with her? Does she allow to be cuddled?

Well now she does. She just comes and sleeps on my lap or belly occasionally. She also let me pet her head when she’s in the mood otherwise my finger is like a chewing toy for her.

Yes, it’s good to have someone to share difficult moments with, not to be alone with our grief. But having a partner just so they can console us in hard times would be a bit unfair to them. I mean, the goal would be to have a full spectrum of emotional intimacy, in both good and bad times. That’s the point of a healthy relationship.

I mean yeah I know that that’s what relationship is about sharing intimacy. So I didn’t mean only for grief, Obviously something more than that

Hmmm… I thought she was smarter than that. Instead of learning to be on her own for a while, she offered you a friends-with-benefits arrangement. That’s hurtful, specially for women, because they usually get more attached than men. And in the case of you two, we know that she is much more attached to you than you to her. So I think she is putting herself in a situation which she will regret.

I feel she’s acting like one of my first LDR (Long-term) girl, She also acted like this because she doesn’t want to lose contact. I guess she still may have hope that she can change things. And another thing is that I still do enjoy talking to her and we talk about lot of things than just sex. Sex is just like a plus point. Also she’s aware that I have no experience for FWB yet or neither does she. So I won’t be purely doing that. Other intimate things will be included. Women are like clever fox lol

What you really think women get attached than men? But yeah for this case yes.

And we did talked about it very openly and I said if we still continue like this it would be harder to move on later on. She said she is aware of this but she said she would even like this regret. So I said it’s not wrong to create more memories together. But I did said I’m not sure so we still take things slowly… and I accept I do crave things from her that’s why I’m not able to directly say No to her.

Well, I personally don’t view sex in the same rank of physical needs as eating, drinking or getting enough sleep. It’s not a part of self-care. So I don’t think it will help you be more productive, if that’s what you meant. But you know yourself best – have you noticed that sex makes you more productive at work?

I mean you know you didn’t had sex for a very long time and then suddenly sex is in your routine? You know because of my past LDRs I wasn’t able do physical things. So it kinda makes me feel like desperate for sex? Yet I do still try to control myself but her libido is also high so it doesn’t help much. And I love morning sex it makes me feel energetic and it fills me up with good vibes and after having morning sex I don’t have any sexual or needy thoughts during the day you know…

You feel that anxiety in social situations or with work-related tasks?

Yes, mainly work and career related things. Maybe I should use LinkedIn less. It makes me feel behind and somewhat jealous and question my abilities. In LinkedIn there are informative stuff but also lot of “Success” posting so..

Also lot of company is laying off people, so I just started to apply for different positions while ago which is also the stressful situation because even after applying for lot of job there isn’t much positive feedback yet

I am happy if they did show emotional support in some situations. But your mother, if I understood well, was your father’s enabler. She enabled him to criticize you and verbally abuse you without intervening. She basically told you to endure it and to be “mature” about it. She failed to protect you. That’s a big omission. And it’s not something that happened once or twice, but consistently. The whole situation was so unbearable that you left home at the age of 16. Those are no small things…

Yeah that’s like we talked before, Even though your father was aware he wasn’t able to protect you, So is my mother. And another thing I guess I didn’t told you is that my mother was worried about physical fight and something would happen to me, because if I remember only two times my father lost control and tried to physically hurt me and also hurt my mother when she tried to save me and when I saw that I didn’t showed him respect like I don’t care who you are you can’t treat us like that it would made him even more angry he be like you can’t disrespect me like that don’t raise your voice in front of me. And I would just be like this is nonsense and go to my room and not talk him for a day or two. And yet all my family (Not my siblings) is like it’s just his anger he didn’t mean any harm. I’m like I’m the kid here or is he’s the kid that he can’t even control his anger? You can bow down to his anger but I won’t. Literally even my relatives says like oh just ignore that he just have some anger tendencies… A good son shouldn’t disrespect his father. But that time only my grandma told him like what are you even doing? That’s how you treat your kids? and he did accept that it was his fault and he’s sorry. Only to my grandma not in front of me. Otherwise, his “pride” would hurt. And after that my mother knew that If anything happens again I’d disrespect him again and it would make things worse between us.

Sorry for long rant

Okay, so you felt your father was kind and “loving” to you only if you performed well at school? You felt that when he praised you, he expected no less than top performance from you? You had to be No1, or else he wouldn’t be pleased? (I am just trying to understand what you said earlier that you felt that people are insincere when they praise you and that they want something in return. So perhaps this behavior doesn’t come from your mother, but from your father?)

Yes that’s right and the minute I make a mistake I’m dumb. He be like I did this and that and some people are not even able to provide daily necessities to their kids and yet they’re performing well then what do you need? They didn’t tell this to my face but I knew their thinking and I did like studying they never had to tell me like go and study like my siblings. They still believe I’m a “good performing” student even though my attention span and curiosity for studying is worse now

It’s good that you’re more open to compliments. Because if the inner critic is strong, it will disregard even the strongest evidence. That happens in the impostor syndrome. But if you silence the inner critic a bit and allow yourself to receive praise, without immediately dismissing it, that’s a good start.

I don’t remember what’s that term called but it’s like what you think is what you see? So I guess if I’m hearing good things about myself, I do feel good things about myself and after that I notice even more better things..

Allow yourself to receive that praise from your therapist and accept that you’re actually doing good and having results pretty quickly. So don’t dismiss it as false praise, but allow yourself to be satisfied with yourself.

Ah the feeling of satisfied with myself! Damn when will I get that? But yeah I started to take positive praise with some critical thinking so I’m not dismissing entirely. We’re imperfect beings after all, Always evolving like universe, and we’re part of this universe so..

Right. So the drill sergeant is still active, still pushing you to do more and faster. Try to notice it and then stop yourself, i.e. invite the good general (forgot his name, sorry) to come to your rescue and send the drill sergeant away.

Yeah that drill sergeant! I do think most of the time he’s not even there he just comes up when I’m feeling down about something and I do try to listen to Good general (Uncle Iroh)

Now I do have friendly inner voice and him. Like I said before I act like I’m my own friend and try to handle the situation if I’m telling myself bad things and Uncle Iroh kinda makes it even better.

Just yesterday I read on a post that says “Love is not just a feeling, It is a daily choice that we make.” What does that mean? Can you elaborate if you know?