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SereneWolfParticipantHeyya Tee,
How’s your weekend going?
Yeah sure, thatās what I meant: you were/are feeling down because you are missing your cat. And thatās what makes you more susceptible to overeating (which is a form of misguided self-soothing and self-regulation). We feel comforted when we eat, and you needed comfort, so itās kind of logicalā¦
That makes sense
Hahaā¦ no. If caring about your cat and petting her gave you emotional relief, you should find a new cat, not a new girlfriend
I kinda already have a new cat (Even though itās not mine) But I mean like someone to share that grief with?
Thatās nice of your neighbor, but perhaps you need a little more time before adopting another cat?
I guess so because she makes me miss her even more. Although sheās a feral cat. So not easy to handle. She almost looks like a tiny cute cheetah.
Usually when we watch TV while eating, we end up eating more, because we donāt really pay attention to food and our sense of being satiated. Is this your experience too?
Yes it’s like that
Btw, are you binge eating on healthy food or comfort food, if I may ask?
Iām very aware of what I eat so 99% of the time itās heathy handmade cooked food.
Rightā¦ well, itās still primarily your physical looks/well-being that she is interested in. Because she notices that youāre skinny, and so she asks if youāre stressed. Maybe she is interested in your emotional well-being too. But to be honest, based on what you told me about your childhood, I donāt think your mother had/has a real interest in your emotional well-being. Because when you were exposed to your fatherās rage attacks, she would tell you to tolerate it and not make a fuss about it. So thatās not really emotionally supportive.
Well you do have a point there but we canāt point out that single thing for her emotional support can we? Because she and my grandma lifted me up when I was feeling down time to time.
Oh so you were basically vegan! Thatās tough, I tried it once, and it was too much for me. I would be fine being a vegetarian, I donāt really need meat. But I do need dairy products, so veganism is not for me.
Well yeah I started to like dairy products more, Specially yogurt and buttermilk. I still donāt consume cheesy things, but Iāll try more cheesy recipes when Iām in different country.
Coolā¦ But one thing to keep in mind is that a part of your ācalmnessā is suppressing your anger, right? I mean, you appear calm in front of people, but inside you might be boiling. Thatās a very useful skill (control of emotional reactions), and I guess you developed it by mindfulness? But on the log run, the goal is to heal some of that anger, so that you donāt feel so threatened and afraid of judgment in social situations.
Yes I agree with you, But nowadays I feel anxious and scared like lot of What Ifs, What if it this happens and what if this goes wrong which is depleting my energy and self-esteem
Ā
Yes, we are attracted to people who possess the qualities we donāt, or which we might have suppressed. So if you are calm (or at least seem calm) and detached, and she is too emotionally reactive, your calmness and poise is what might have attracted her to you. So what we believe we miss, we look for in others. Or for example, the person who is shy and lacks self-esteem might be attracted to someone who is self-confident and extroverted.
Ahh Right I guess thatās what happened between me and her. And yeah Iām somewhat easily attracted to āExtrovertedā Types but then I find them too muchā¦ But tbh finding introvert girl isnāt easy and even if you do you have to have lot of patience and itās irritating if there will be no results after the input.
Talking about her, we met yesterday and she asked me that if itās okay If we still be in physical things. And Iām thinking about saying yes. Because maybe ignoring my physical needs isnāt letting me properly focus on more important day to day things?
Thatās good! He might have sensed that youāre fragile and sad, due to your catās death, and so he was behaving himself. Or perhaps even your mother told him to behave himselfā¦
I donāt know what happened but Iām glad at least he sensed that much or even listened to my mother.
I understandā¦ you believe everybody is like your father or grandfather. Or maybe like your mother, who wasnāt always honest with you? (You did say you donāt like when people act kind to you, only to get something from you. And I think you mentioned your family in that context too.) So you might have a really bad model there: the people closest to you either being very judgmental, or not being honest (not having the purest intentions) when they praised you?
Yes thatās right thatās how it was in my childhood, For example my father gave me the very expensive bike because I ranked first in my primary school.
Well, we need to have discernment of course. But if you hear the same praise from more people, that should tell you itās most probably true. If you cannot accept compliment at all, thatās a sign that the inner critic has the upper hand.
Iām just starting to be more open about compliments. Before I wouldnāt even give an attention to it. Now I think it would be better for my self-esteem. Because it has more āEvidenceā to backup. Because inner critic is super rational and have more negative perception and I think providing evidence would help.
Also I had a session with my therapist. She said Iām doing good so far.
She even told me that I donāt listen to my inner critic that much like before, Which is impressive she said that lot of the people she worked with it took lot of time but Iām doing well in shorter time span. She also said how much things Iām doing on my own (Also with your help š So thanks)
She asked me lot of questions about my current situation and how I feel. And said that my inner child wants to live in slower pace, but my fierce need to get things done doesnāt letting it happen. Thatās why I feel restless. And like that I have many two-faced tendencies like that I need to work on.
SereneWolfParticipantHello Tee,
I am on the lookout for other healing modalities, since the pain is fluctuating, it always comes back. So I need to find something that will give me a more lasting relief.
I see, I hope you find a good one. Take care of yourself š
How’s your weekend going?I am sorry about that. It could be that the loss of your cat leads you to feeling more sensitive and down. And this can contribute to resorting to self-soothing tools, such as overeating. Because a lot of us use food to soothe ourselves, specially if the only nurturing we had in childhood was physical nurturing. If instead of being emotionally nurtured, we were given food whenever we were upset, thatās a perfect recipe for developing eating disorders later.
I mean youāre right but I think itās also could be like Iām not someone who mostly misses someone? Not even people who are really close to me, But I do miss my cat maybe thatās why? Because itās kind of a dysregulation? And I accept that she did gave me like a good emotional relief so now Iām like should I find a new gf and cuddle her? Just for that emotional relief you knowā¦But I know it’s not a proper fix.
Also good news is that since my Neighbour (If you remember I play with her kid) rescued a cat and told me that I can have her as long as I want, It does making me feel little better but still making me miss her more.
And yup as you guessed Iām overeating and even (like the most time) to not overthink while eating I started watching anime or movie while having my meals.
Seems you mother was similar to mine: mostly interested in your physical nurturance (and physical well-being), but in terms of emotions, not really supportive.
Well she does asks me if Iām stressed about something or not, because they think one of the reason people are skinny is that theyāre stressed. And also, sheās not much aware about modern mental health things (Americans have like hundreds of them and like each trait have a name)
Yes, that too is typical. Iāve just watched a video on binge eating, which explains that by the evening we have already been exposed to various stressors during the day, and our stress tolerance gets depleted. Thatās why we have a greater need to soothe ourselves in the evening. Besides, thatās when most of the people come home from work and have the need to relax and unwindā¦ and so eating too much becomes a part of that ritual.
Oh thatās right it does makes sense!
The title of the video is āHow to stop binge eatingā, by psychotherapist Kati Morton. She also explains what to do to help ourselves. One of her suggestions, in fact her first suggestion, is the same what you doctor friend told you: to eat at least 3-4 times a day, and to have snacks in between to prevent getting extremely hungry and then overeat.
She has other useful tips too, like not restraining yourself and dieting because thatās only going to produce a counter-effect. Also to observe our inner voice, because the inner critic can get very loud when we overeat, or donāt eat as healthy as we would like to. I know from my own experience that I used to berate myself for my ED, and it was strengthening my inner critic, making me feel very bad about myself. And then Iād need something to soothe myself, and ended up eating again.. so it was a vicious circle.
Hmm yeah thatās true back then I used to be very aware of my āDietā and always thinking like this food is bad and that food is bad so in my early teens (When I just started using internet)
How is this food and blah blah because there would be some articles which would be saying that yeah this food is bad. So because of that I didnāt had like healthy fats and mostly pure vegetarian for a very long time, Iād be eating mostly green vegetables, No milk or even rice because I thought it makes people fat and because years of misconception my body just adapted it like that. So thatās what Iām trying to change.
She seems like a pretty self-observant person, willing to learn and grow. She was honest with you and explored the reasons why she felt like going back to her ex. And she realized that itās maybe because she is scared of being alone. But now, sheās realized that this is exactly what she needsā¦ So a learning moment for her! I like her
Haha okay so even for this Iām somewhat responsible, Because we did talk deep level things and she did asked me about the way I am and you know that she likes my āCalmā so I did tell her very clearly that itās all self-awareness and mindfulness. So she got more interested about self-improvement and stuff so
Hmmm, yeah, I mean you gave her a different perspective. And maybe she does need to find herself a little more, to become less needy and less craving for attention, for being the center of her partnerās universe. Because she did say things like that, if I remember well. If thatās the case, sheād need to learn how to be more self-sufficient. Which is what youāre an expert in
Hmm I see, So a question, so as human beings do we always try to fulfil other people that weāre good at? If so, Why is this drive?
Itās good that you donāt tolerate his open criticism, so he isnāt even trying any more. I just wanted to ask you if there was a situation where he started criticizing you but you stopped him. But then I remembered that you mentioned that you did challenge him once on the phone and told him that if he cannot talk to you normally, better not talk at all, right? And then he hang up, but then called you back a few days later?
Yes thatās right
I guess that was his lesson, and he learned that he canāt be openly rude with you. And I can imagine your mother talked to him too and convinced him to speak nicely to youā¦ So I guess he is suppressing his need to judge you, but itās still there in him, and comes out indirectly, in the form of those veiled remarks and comparisons with other people.
I guess so yeah.. They visited me this weekend with both of my siblings. And so far this time he didnāt even compared this time.
But for that, youād need to be judgment-proof. Almost like bullet-proof. Youād need to let those arrows slide from you, like from a shield. Which means that youād need to have your āarmorā on whenever you talk to your father, and not let anything in. What is also super important is to diminish the voice of your inner critic, because your inner critic is like a Trojan horse ā he opens the door and lets the arrows hit you. I am using the military analogy again, but perhaps it helps?
Yes I understood it well, Iāll try it like that
Ā
It seems to me youāre disregarding the positive input from people,
I guess because I never had that in my childhood and only criticism so now itās just hard to trust what people say
because you want to believe youāre not attractive enough. Itās like the impostor syndrome, when we believe that we cannot possibly be talented, that our success happened by chance and not by our merit. With this too ā your inner critic is telling you youāre not good looking (or not muscular enough or whatever), and you rather believe him than the feedback you receive from people.
It means should I believe in positive feedback? If so how youād determine what to let in or let out
Also just a side note, Are you working from home? I found this from a LinkedIn post, and it says whenever you’re working always play a Instrumental/LoFi music that you like… and I think it’s actually helping me focus more and somewhat in better mood and less anxious as well.
SereneWolfParticipantHey Tee,
no, I canāt do yoga, it can actually add to the problem, in my case. But I do other types of exercises.
Hmm I see. Have you a found new doctor?
Great, keep it up!
But lately I feel like not doing anything, hopeless and Iām missing my cat too!
Oh she said itās only your fault? Well, thatās not true really, because talking about reconciliation with her ex is a pretty big problem and it would be for any relationshipā¦
I know right?
So she isnāt going back to her ex? She wanted to return to you but you said No ā is that how it happened?
Yes. After getting back from the trip she said she thought about it a lot and she donāt think getting back together with her ex is a good idea. She did open up with me and told me maybe that idea of being alone is just scary for her and sheās just not used to it. And we talked about how I handled to live all by myself for yearsā¦
After that she was like yeah I can try for sometime without being in a relationship.
So did I just spread my disease into her? š
Ā
Yep, itās rather notoriousā¦ and it affects every part of your life. So yeah, more inner child work, self-love and all that..
For sure!
Yes, it is irritating. But you canāt really change them, so you need to learn to live with it, but not allow abuse, of course. You can tolerate it once in a while when you come to visit, but donāt allow to stick to you. Try to be like teflon ā things just slide from it and donāt stick
Haha thatās a good example. Iāll try that more since they already see me as a laid back guy it lol
Ā
You see? You too realize that self-esteem is key for not being too bothered with such comments. So you can do it too, work on loving and valuing yourself even moreā¦
Yes thatās right!
Ā
I hope all three of you will learn how to be less sensitive and more self-confident. Good that your sister too realizes that your father and grandfather wonāt change much. That means you shouldnāt even try. However, you can set boundaries and not allow verbal or emotional abuse. In fact, itās kind of a two-pronged action: you work on yourself to become less triggered, but you also set boundaries so they canāt just mistreat you without consequences.
Youāre right how can I make myself become less triggered? I mean there is boundaries there somewhat. My father doesnāt disrespect me anymore otherwise he knows Iām not going to just listen to him silently.
Okay, so that would be binge eating then. Do you have days when you eat way too much and sort of cannot control yourself?
Hmm yeah but not too often. But just today I did that. Maybe the times when I feel like not doing anything else Iād just eat.
Yeah, I am also not a breakfast person because I eat relatively late in the evening (I know, not a good strategy). So I am not hungry in the morning. But just the fact that you only have two proper meals isnāt in itself disordered eating. Itās maybe that you overeat in the evening, and you feel guilty about it? So then you starve yourself the next day, but then eat too much in the evening again? I was like that for a while, thatās why I am asking.
My mum wouldnāt allow me to eat that much late lol because her first question on the phone is always, did you ate? And yeah usually I do eat a lot in the evenings. During the day itās okay but at evening I always eat a lot.
I did talked to my doctor friend and she suggested me to have small but 4-5 meals per day for healthy weight gain but I think thatās hard to manage for me
Do you mean youād like to get praise/affirmation from people that you look good? But you said sometimes in the beginning of your posting on tinybuddha that you do get compliments for your looks, which you sort of shrug off. If I understood well?
Yes you remembered it well, Iām confused about it, because I donāt like when I need external validation, but external validation does kind of helps to believe in thingsā¦faster? I donāt know.
SereneWolfParticipantHey Tee,
As for myself, I too am feeling a little better. Hopefully it wonāt be temporary, like last time.
You do yoga right?
Yes, itās important that youāre aware of it and working on it. Are you still doing the journaling (writing down your fears and resentments)?
I didnāt do it while I was at my hometown but now that Iām back to the city Iāll continue.. and I do feel better while journaling. Also letting things happen by itself and just trust the divine so I donāt feel overwhelmed by everything.
Ā
I seeā¦ so youād want her to stick around to prove her love. Although you didnāt let her say āI love youā and were not showing that you care about her too muchā¦ so yes, itās kind of a contradiction. If you want her to stick around, youād need to show it tooā¦
Yes I know that, But because sheās taking time and still sticking to past, Thatās why I told her no. She reacted like I did this entirely by myself. But she didnāt argue much after that. She hugged me tight and kissed and still asked me to just friends? I said Iāll think and answer, And after I said No she said She wonāt get back together with her ex either. I said itās your decision, If you donāt need to be in rush, Donāt rush.
Okay, I understand this makes you upset, but I think the first thing you should do is become more immune to those indirect judgments. To know that you are good enough as you are. So those veiled comments will not bother you so much.
Yeah that good enough feeling isnāt that easy. Is it? haha
And then you can decide what you want to do ā whether it makes sense to ask your father not to mention other people to you, or to let it go. If you are not so triggered, it will be easier to take it lightly, e.g. to change the topic, or say āYeah, he/she is doing quite wellā (you sort of agree with them).
You donāt need to start justifying yourself, you just acknowledge that this person is doing well, while knowing inside of yourself that you too are doing well and that you are good enough. IfĀ youĀ are not judging yourself, their judgments will carry less weight too.
I mean Iām aware of that, and I donāt have like any kind of jealousy. But me and my siblings are worried that they (My Father and grandpa) arenāt like a children then they shouldnāt behave like this, They should be happy with what they have and have feeling of satisfaction. Instead of always complaining this is wrong and that is wrong. Thatās just irritating for all of us.
Good! Are your siblings supportive of you? Do they get similar treatment from your father and grandfather?
Yes Iām really lucky that my siblings are really supportive. And yeah they do get similar treatment from my father and grandfather. My little brother somewhat doesnāt much bothered because I can sense his self-esteem, But yeah heās annoyed as well, However for my sister sheās quite sensitive, Maybe even more sensitive than me. But she also accepted that there is not much chances of them changing
Ā
Ā
I just checked, BMI of 19 is not undernourished, but on the border. But you say you do a eat a lot and arenāt vomiting, which doesnāt really qualify as anorexia or bulimia. Does it mean you have periods of indulging in food and then starving yourself, not to gain weight? Because that too can be disordered eating ā sort of swinging from one extreme to the other.
Hmm well swinging from one extreme to the other Iād say yes. Also I only have two big meals per day. Lunch and dinner. I skip breakfasts.
EDs are always related to nurturance, I think. In my family, food was the only āpleasureā that was not judged, so basically it was okay if I ate a lot, I wasnāt judged for that. But I was for just about everything else. So I guess thatās also one of the reasons food became my ādrugā of choice.
Oh I see, Thatās why you had anorexia
Yes, it seems you donāt feel good enough, in this case attractive enough physically. Which is just another manifestation of feeling not good enough in general. I guess that in reality, things are a little different, because you did say earlier that you get compliments for your looks, and you do get attention from pretty girls, right? So you not feeling attractive enough is something you are telling yourself ā itās a part of your inner critic. And you know how to treat that inner critic, donāt you?
Yes I do not listen much to that critic but I think I have to get more positive input or affirmation or something like that on that part?
SereneWolfParticipantCoucou Tee,
Yes, I was feeling down because there is no progress with my healing. I am trying to stay optimistic, but itās not always easy.
I can totally understand that. And I really admire your courage to keep going and still staying optimistic because I do know itās not always easy. Are you feeling any better though?
But I think a part of your ācoolnessā is that you donāt actually allow yourself to get attached, because youāre afraid of getting hurt. There is a fear there, and thatās why this emotion (love, desire to connect and bond with someone) is missing. It is suppressed as well, but on a deeper level, I think.
Hmm right but Iām already working on it and I shouldnāt be more rigorous about it now. Right? Or is there any daily practice I can improve or implement or update?
I know youāre not worried about ending the relationship. I mean a part of you feels revealed, right? However, I think you should be honest with yourself and ask yourself: am I really upset that she is not sure about me, or am I using this as an excuse to take my leave?
I guess the part the she isnāt sure about me, itās just making it easier for me take my leave, I thought about more and I may be craving that feeling when someone is scared of losing me, and even if theyāre scared theyād take actions???
On the other hand I know itās unreasonable to expect that level of strong connection if I donāt show her that type of connection or loveā¦
I seeā¦ theyāre not criticizing you directly, but comparing you to other people, and then you feel indirectly criticized and judged, right? Do you also feel it in their tone of voice ā that theyāre not pleased with you and expect you to do more?
Yes Exactly!
Yes, taking voice notes is a great idea too. Have you talked to your father in the meanwhile?
No I didnāt. I felt much better after talk it out to my siblings
Yes, addiction is a very frequent consequence of C-PTSD. So you say youāre suffering from anorexia? I myself suffered both from anorexia and bulimia. We can talk more about it, if youād like. I realized that for myself, anorexia was about rejecting nurturance, because my mother didnāt give me the proper kind of nurturance (emotional), but only physical food. And it wasnāt good enough. I needed to be loved and appreciated ā feeding me and meeting my physical needs wasnāt enough (and my mother thought thatās the only thing a child needs).
I guess I was in the same situation. Pressure from my father and grandfather because they wanted me to achieve things which they think is more appropriate for them.. So because of that they would give me more than enough kind of nurturance. But after I started living on my own Iām super aware of what I eat and really insecure about my body image so yeah anorexia nervosa. But also the bulimia except no vomiting. My body type is Pitta, So my metabolism is high so I eat a lot a lot, Yet my bodyweight is still low. My BMI is still around 19. I guess Hypothyroidism may also be part of it but Iām not sure.
But another thing is that even though Iām insecure about my body image. Because I do think I have to be in normal range weight (Iām not super skinny but like not super healthy looking either) I have to gain muscles, have better skin.etc All the girls Iāve been with was like what we say āOut of my leagueā if we seeing things from that way. Yet still I didnāt felt good enough and it damaged my self-esteem even more?
Oh I seeā¦ thatās frustrating when youāre trying everything, and itās still not working :/ How is it now, any new developments?
Yes. Luckily itās getting much better. I found whole new way and Iām seeing good positive results
You were close to her and now she is goneā¦ I am so sorry.
Itās good that you cried and allowed yourself to feel it allā¦ Hold on, SereneWolfā¦
Iām not someone who feels alone easily but from that day I did, So I went to visit my siblings and my family and now I feel much better.
SereneWolfParticipant<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Coucou Tee,</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes, I was feeling down because there is no progress with my healing. I am trying to stay optimistic, but itās not always easy.</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I can totally understand that. And I really admire your courage to keep going and still staying optimistic because I do know itās not always easy. Are you feeling any better though?</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>But I think a part of your ācoolnessā is that you donāt actually allow yourself to get attached, because youāre afraid of getting hurt. There is a fear there, and thatās why this emotion (love, desire to connect and bond with someone) is missing. It is suppressed as well, but on a deeper level, I think.</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Hmm right but Iām already working on it and I shouldnāt be more rigorous about it now. Right? Or is there any daily practice I can improve or implement or update?</p>
<p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Ā </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I know youāre not worried about ending the relationship. I mean a part of you feels revealed, right?Ā However, I think you should be honest with yourself and ask yourself: am I really upset that she is not sure about me, or am I using this as an excuse to take my leave? </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I guess the part the she isnāt sure about me, itās just making it easier for me take my leave, I thought about more and I may be craving that feeling when someone is scared of losing me, and even if theyāre scared theyād take actions??? </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>On the other hand I know itās unreasonable to expect that level of strong connection if I donāt show her that type of connection or loveā¦ </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Ā </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I seeā¦ theyāre not criticizing you directly, but comparing you to other people, and then you feel indirectly criticized and judged, right? Do you also feel it in their tone of voice ā that theyāre not pleased with you and expect you to do more?</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes Exactly! </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes, taking voice notes is a great idea too. Have you talked to your father in the meanwhile?</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>No I didnāt. I felt much better after talk it out to my siblings</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Ā </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes, addiction is a very frequent consequence of C-PTSD. So you say youāre suffering from anorexia? I myself suffered both from anorexia and bulimia. We can talk more about it, if youād like. I realized that for myself, anorexia was about rejecting nurturance, because my mother didnāt give me the proper kind of nurturance (emotional), but only physical food. And it wasnāt good enough. I needed to be loved and appreciated ā feeding me and meeting my physical needs wasnāt enough (and my mother thought thatās the only thing a child needs).</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Ā </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I guess I was in the same situation. Pressure from my father and grandfather because they wanted me to achieve things which they think is more appropriate for them.. So because of that they would give me more than enough kind of nurturance. But after I started living on my own Iām super aware of what I eat and really insecure about my body image so yeah anorexia nervosa. But also the bulimia except no vomiting. My body type is Pitta, So my metabolism is high so I eat a lot a lot, Yet my bodyweight is still low. My BMI is still around 19. I guess Hypothyroidism may also be part of it but Iām not sure.</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Ā </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>But another thing is that even though Iām insecure about my body image. Because I do think I have to be in normal range weight (Iām not super skinny but like not super healthy looking either) I have to gain muscles, have better skin.etc All the girls Iāve been with was like what we say āOut of my leagueā if we seeing things from that way. Yet still I didnāt felt good enough and it damaged my self-esteem even more?</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Ā </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Oh I seeā¦ thatās frustrating when youāre trying everything, and itās still not working :/ How is it now, any new developments?</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes. Luckily itās getting much better. I found whole new way and Iām seeing good positive results </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Ā </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>You were close to her and now she is goneā¦ I am so sorry.</p>
<p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; orphans: 2; widows: 2; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; text-decoration-thickness: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; text-decoration-color: initial; word-spacing: 0px; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Itās good that you cried and allowed yourself to feel it allā¦ Hold on, SereneWolfā¦</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Iām not someone who feels alone easily but from that day I did, So I went to visit my siblings and my family and now I feel much better. </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”></p>SereneWolfParticipant<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Coucou Tee,</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Ā </p><p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes, I was feeling down because there is no progress with my healing. I am trying to stay optimistic, but itās not always easy.</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I can totally understand that. And I really admire your courage to keep going and still staying optimistic because I do know itās not always easy. Are you feeling any better now though?</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>But I think a part of your ācoolnessā is that you donāt actually allow yourself to get attached, because youāre afraid of getting hurt. There is a fear there, and thatās why this emotion (love, desire to connect and bond with someone) is missing. It is suppressed as well, but on a deeper level, I think.</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Hmm right but Iām already working on it and I shouldnāt be more rigorous about it now. Right? Or is there any daily practice I can improve or implement or update?</p>
<p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Ā </p><p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I know youāre not worried about ending the relationship. I mean a part of you feels revealed, right?Ā However, I think you should be honest with yourself and ask yourself: am I really upset that she is not sure about me, or am I using this as an excuse to take my leave? </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I guess the part she isnāt sure about me, itās just making it easier for me take my leave, I thought about more and I may be craving that feeling when someone is scared of losing me, and even if theyāre scared, theyād take actions??? </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>On the other hand, I know itās unreasonable to expect that level of strong connection if I donāt show her that type of connection or loveā¦ </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Ā </p><p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I seeā¦ theyāre not criticizing you directly, but comparing you to other people, and then you feel indirectly criticized and judged, right? Do you also feel it in their tone of voice ā that theyāre not pleased with you and expect you to do more?</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes Exactly! </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes, taking voice notes is a great idea too. Have you talked to your father in the meanwhile?</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>No I didnāt. I felt much better after talk it out to my siblings</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Ā </p><p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes, addiction is a very frequent consequence of C-PTSD. So you say youāre suffering from anorexia? I myself suffered both from anorexia and bulimia. We can talk more about it, if youād like. I realized that for myself, anorexia was about rejecting nurturance, because my mother didnāt give me the proper kind of nurturance (emotional), but only physical food. And it wasnāt good enough. I needed to be loved and appreciated ā feeding me and meeting my physical needs wasnāt enough (and my mother thought thatās the only thing a child needs).</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Ā </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I was in the kinda same situation. Pressure from my father and grandfather because they wanted me to achieve things which they think is more appropriate for them.. So because of that they would give me more than enough kind of physical nurturance, but not emotional, But after I started living on my own Iām super aware of what I eat and really insecure about my body image so yeah anorexia nervosa. But also the bulimia except no vomiting because My body type is Pitta, So my metabolism is high so I eat a lot a lot, Yet my bodyweight is still low. My BMI is still around 19. I guess Hypothyroidism may also be part of it but Iām not sure.</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Ā </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>But another thing is that even though Iām insecure about my body image. Because I do think I have to be in normal range weight (Iām not super skinny but like not super healthy looking either) I have to gain muscles, have better skin.etc All the girls Iāve been with was like what we can say āOut of my leagueā if we are seeing things from that way. Yet still I didnāt feel good enough and it damaged my self-esteem even more?</p><p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Ā </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Oh I seeā¦ thatās frustrating when youāre trying everything, and itās still not working :/ How is it now, any new developments?</p><p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes. Luckily itās getting much better. I found whole new way and Iām seeing good positive results. </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Ā </p><p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>You were close to her and now she is goneā¦ I am so sorry.</p>
<p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; orphans: 2; widows: 2; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; text-decoration-thickness: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; text-decoration-color: initial; word-spacing: 0px; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Itās good that you cried and allowed yourself to feel it allā¦ Hold on, SereneWolfā¦</p><p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Iām not someone who feels alone easily but from that day I did, So I went to visit my siblings and my family and now I feel much better. </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Ā </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Ā </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Ā </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Ā </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Ā </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Ā </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Ā </p>SereneWolfParticipantWhy you’re feeling down? you’re not able to take care of yourself properly?
SereneWolfParticipantHey Tee,
My cat was missing for two days and just today I find out that she died from jumping from the fence and there was some sharp objects. I buried her. I can’t express how I feel I’m feeling like I’ve lost someone really close to me for years even though it was just for like 4 months. Today after a lot of time I cried a lot. I still feel like when I’ll open the door she’s gonna come.
SereneWolfParticipantDear Tee,
ahh, I think I am not a typical case and not responding well to treatmentā¦
Oh I hope you feel better soonā¦
Ā
What kind of expectations do they have? To provide for them financially, or in general, about how you should live your life and what career path you should take? Do you feel that your mother treats you kindly, talks nicely to you, but underneath you feel she expects you to follow a certain path or be a certain way?
Providing financially is okay for me and Iām doing that. But itās also general like my father now donāt tell me things to do in certain way but still kinda pinpoint what others are doing and itās frustrate me a lot like why do you have to care what theyāre doing? Canāt you be satisfied once with what we have? Same with my grandfather whenever I call him.
For my mother sheās just still overly protective (I know thereās some fault of mine as well for this) She literally tells me to lock the door before sleep. Like mom I know Iām not a child anymore.
Ā
Yeah, itās a way to separate ourselves from our fears and our resentments ā because by writing them down, itās like we observe them, we donāt identify with them. So weāre less consumed by them. Which means ā more regulated, more able to think clearly. And also, once we write it down, we gain clarity about what bothers us, and it helps us deal with the problem.
Right and you know I got another idea for this. Taking voice notes like as I said before when I was feeling frustrated after talking on call with my father, I take voice notes to let out that frustration, but my anger is I think nearly at tipping point so maybe I will confront things to him.
Introspection, courage, curiosity, fast learning, openness to new ideasā¦ to mention just a fewĀ Ā But in fact, you are worthy just by being born. For some people, their talents are hidden because they have been abused, and so they may have become addicts etc. However, they are still worthy, they only need to connect to their core, their true selfā¦
Itās like diamonds covered in dirt ā they arenāt always visible, but they are there. Your talents are visible, but I am just saying, even if they werenāt, you would still be worthyā¦
Thanks! And yeah, I agree also since you mention addiction, I think itās also something which is wasting lot of my time. Iāve read more about CPTSD, and it’s also mentioned that anorexia and Technology addiction could be the part of it and itās relatable for me. For me even though when not working itās not easy for me just not waste time on screen for no reason at all.
Ā
I am sorry youāre not getting the desired results. Is there someone you can consult about it?
No I canāt. because Iām supposed to be āExpertā in this. I talked to the people working on the same kind of projects and they are all telling me the same things that I’m already doing. Which is making me even more anxious… But I’m trying to ground myself by not getting attached to the results.
SereneWolfParticipantHi Tee,
But anyway, we canāt suppress negative emotions selectively without suppressing positive emotions as well. So if you suppress anger, you cannot express love freely either. Thatās how we operate.
Hmm Thatās interesting, I didnāt know about this
Right now, your ācalm and composedā stance in social situations is more due to the suppression of anger and self-control, right? Likewise, your slightly distant and detached stance with your girlfriend is a part of the same pattern. Itās not really your true self, but a defense mechanism. But itās the same pattern: suppressing emotions, keeping a distance, which you exhibit both in social situations and in intimate relationships.
So I was wrong when I said those are two different things. They are not ā itās the same defense mechanism working in you. But as I said, donāt worry about it, youāre working on it.
So this defense mechanism is like still part of me or just something Iām using as a block for intimate relationships?
Amazing, mature response! You re-stated your current limitations and boundaries, and you stood by them. But you were also kind and caring towards her, telling her you donāt want to hurt her by those limitations/boundaries. And so you are letting her decide how to proceed. Well done, SereneWolf!
Good! I like that you can talk to each other so honestly. Thatās a good sign. I hope itās not the end of your relationship, but even if it is, you handled this very well. Very maturely. Kudos to you!
Thank a lot for your encouragement. I did learn things from you so thanks to you as well.
So yeah, I do like her vulnerability and honesty. But I think her older emotions are still strong. And to be honest I totally understand her dilemma as well but I donāt want to be with someone who isnāt sure about me. So, when sheāll come back Iāll tell her No. Iām not worried about ending this relationship. Itāll take few days but Iāll be alright.
SereneWolfParticipantHi Tee,
Ā
well, she wanted to tell you she loves you, and probably expected to hear the same from youā¦ Because youāve been dating for a while, visiting each other, watching the stars togetherā¦ I donāt think itās extreme, but for you, itās too much. Because for you, telling someone you love them comes with a lot of load, with fear of vulnerability, and perhaps fear of their expectationsā¦ Perhaps for you itās like something that would start an avalanche of scary things, and you donāt want it, right?
Well in-person we met like total 5 times only. And yeah so for me telling someone I love them comes with lot of responsibilities (Which Iām always trying to run away from) Because then there are just lot of rules as a lover you know. And after admitting I prefer to follow those rules no matter what.
Hmā¦. yeah, or itās fear of getting hurt? I think in people with avoidant attachment, itās rather the latterā¦
Hmm I guess so, But right now I donāt feel hurt (much)
Well, that eagerness might have lasted for a month or two, and then youād likely get cold feetā¦ I mean, now you were more patient and self-aware than with your previous date, which lasted for only a short while. And you could better control your impulse to run away, which is great! So I think you are actually doing better now than a few months ago, but itās still probably not enough for her, since youāre not very āeagerā.
Yeah finding the ārightā woman aināt that easy. But yeah thanks I do feel like I did good progress regarding this matter
Actually she kind of did ā remember when she got angry when you didnāt contact her while you were at your parentsā place for a week? Also now, she was surprised that you werenāt more upset when she told you about her ex. And even the fact that she chose to meet her ex and is considering getting back with him is to me a proof that she isnāt getting what she wants in the relationship with you.
I am not judging you or anything, I am just saying that these are all signs that she probably didnāt like your coolnessĀ towards her, although she might have appreciated it otherwise, in other situations.
Hmm I see so I guess in some situations I might have didnāt showed my coolness
Not necessarily. She might appreciate someone calm and composed, i.e. stable and not overly emotional in everyday situations, someone who will not explode easily at people or make rash decisions. So maybe someone a little different than her. Someone to ground her. However, it doesnāt mean that she likes when you are being cool and not eager towards her. Because those are two different things ā how you behave with others and how you behave with her.
Yeah so about this, Iām still learning how to express myself and not always hide if Iām showing that Iām not calm with that thing yet even though I am, That would be lying, Donāt you think so? And Yeah I accept itās just my non-attachment towards her talking
So yeah I talked to her If my coolness is bothering or thereās something else? She can share anything without hesitating.
She told me that āWhen I started talking to you I thought youād be obsessed with me, Because thatās how it went for me in the past, and Because I already love you, Things would go much faster between us, and yet I enjoyed every moment we shared together I was waiting that youād break your ārulesā just for me (Because I already talked to her about my fear in relationship) and take steps further, So I tried to do it but you still stopped me and I agree with you, You wanted things to go slow but it did hurt me because no one ever said me No like that. But the thing is that I couldnāt make you feel very attached me and it frustrates me a lot. ā
I was speechless after hearing this! I couldnāt even say anything for a minute. I was thinking like what should I even say to this.
But I said āIām sorry you feel that way but Iām still working on myself, healing myself if I take things faster I worry that I might hurt your feelings and my first priority is that not giving you discomfort or hurt you just because of me.ā
She went on trip with her sister so when sheāll be back sheāll think about this matter.
SereneWolfParticipantHola Tee,
I am doing similarly, still no big breakthrough in healingā¦
Ohh you still havenāt found a good doctor?
Yeah I know what you mean ā when you feel that their kindness is not sincere, but it comes with an expectation of you doing them a favor in the future, of giving them something in return. Yes, Iāve met such people. Donāt like them eitherā¦
Sometimes I wonder if itās the same with my parents. I mean it could be just innocent love to their kids. But just because they provided me in the childhood now theyāre expecting things from me?
Right, you seem ācalm and composedā, but thatās because youāre good at controlling yourself and not letting it show. But inside, you feel very angry. As I said, I think a part of that anger isnāt related to the actual person standing in front of you, but itās the anger at your fatherā¦ and so you overreact (internally) to the person, although it doesnāt show on the outside. Or at least itās not so obviousā¦
Yeah thatās right
There is this youtube channel that I like, called the Crappy Childhood Fairy, which is focused on healing from C-PTSD. And she teaches a method of daily journaling, which she calls āThe Daily Practice.ā The video describing it is titled āCalm Anxiety ā Learn this simple technique 15 minutesā. She explains how she writes down all her fears and resentments, meditates on it a little, and then she asks God (for those who believe) to remove them. Or for non-believers, they can say they are ready to release those fears and resentments.
I do it a little differently, but I do write things down, and usually have some insight about whatās behind my fear or resentment, and it makes me feel better.
Iāve watched the video and it seems really on point so basically the idea is just putting down your negative thoughts on paper because PTSD mind is mostly dysregulated. Right?
Also she said anyone who gone thorough abuse would most probably have dysregulated mind and therefore symptoms of C-PTSD
I also took her free test for today and now Iām more firm that I may have C-PTSD
Iāve just tried the method today and Iām kind of feeling like less weight of fears already. I’m also trying to find insights, but I guess I’m just tired today.
Do you think you could do it, or you still have doubts?
Well currently Iām just trying affirmations but the thing is that Iām not used to tell myself nicer things, so I have to dig deeper and find my unique and skills and abilities.
I took time to write because I was busy and frustrated with work, I think I’m still very much of a result-driven person. Because I’m working on this project for so long trying different strategies but getting the same result and less efficient. It’s really making me feel down and questioning my abilities.
SereneWolfParticipantYeah, thatās your avoidant attachment style. You keep a distance, you put on a guard, you donāt allow yourself to get too closeā¦ In this situation now it might be useful, since the girl still has feelings for her ex. And it doesnāt leave you too affected emotionally, in fact you feel a sense of reliefā¦
Well I think I did put my guard down, and I did felt close to her. But not like what we could say heavily attached? But yeah I do feel sense of relief
I guess she is disappointed a little that you are so ācalm and composedā about not having her in your life. That you donāt love her and miss her more. Thatās what the sigh means, I guessā¦
I guess youāre right. She wants extreme kind of love but now that Iām much aware Iām taking things slowly
Yeah, you stopped her from expressing her love, I guess because you didnāt want to express it to her either? You were afraid of deep emotions. And also, perhaps the belief that āI am hard to loveā was still present in you a little, so how could she possibly say that she loves you ā it must be the breeze and the starsā¦?
It could be that she agreed to give her ex another chance because she is missing more āattachmentā from you, more eagerness to be with her? I am not saying it is your fault that she is conflicted, but it could be that she feels sheās not important enough to you, and this contributed to her conflict? Has she ever complained about your emotional ācoolnessā/reservedness till now?
I mean like we discussed I was already anxious and afraid of taking things so fast.
I guess thatās why I stopped her from expressing her love, and I donāt know Iām just believe in slow love more? Like aging wine. It gets better, In No rush.
If sheād met me few month ago, sheād get exactly what she wants. More attachments and eagerness haha
And No She never complained about my emotional ācoolnessā/reservedness only praised it many times.
But like I told you before sheās like a high school girl she just feels āa lotā so itās obvious that she wants someone like that?
So I talked to her this evening. She and her ex had a meeting and apparently, He wants her back and she said heās not like before (Which I doubt it somewhat) sheās still feeling conflicted but she said she donāt want to cut ties with meā¦So she didnāt gave him any answer and told him to waitā¦
So I told her take her time, Iāll support her decision.
SereneWolfParticipantDon’t know what happened with markdown
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yeah, thatās your avoidant attachment style. You keep a distance, you put on a guard, you donāt allow yourself to get too closeā¦ In this situation now it might be useful, since the girl still has feelings for her ex. And it doesnāt leave you too affected emotionally, in fact you feel a sense of reliefā¦</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Well I think I did put my guard down, and I did felt close to her. But not like what we could say heavily attached? But yeah I do feel sense of relief </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Ā </p>
<p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I guess she is disappointed a little that you are so ācalm and composedā about not having her in your life. That you donāt love her and miss her more. Thatās what the sigh means, I guessā¦</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I guess youāre right. She wants extreme kind of love but now that Iām much aware Iām taking things slowly </p>
<p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yeah, you stopped her from expressing her love, I guess because you didnāt want to express it to her either? You were afraid of deep emotions. And also, perhaps the belief that āI am hard to loveā was still present in you a little, so how could she possibly say that she loves you ā it must be the breeze and the starsā¦?</p>
<p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; orphans: 2; widows: 2; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; text-decoration-thickness: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; text-decoration-color: initial; word-spacing: 0px; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>It could be that she agreed to give her ex another chance because she is missing more āattachmentā from you, more eagerness to be with her? I am not saying it is your fault that she is conflicted, but it could be that she feels sheās not important enough to you, and this contributed to her conflict? Has she ever complained about your emotional ācoolnessā/reservedness till now?</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Ā </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I mean like we discussed I was already anxious and afraid of taking things so fast. </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I guess thatās why I stopped her from expressing her love, and I donāt know Iām just believe in slow love more? Like aging wine. It gets better, In No rush.</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>If sheād met me few month ago, sheād get exactly what she wants. More attachments and eagerness haha </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>And No She never complained about my emotional ācoolnessā/reservedness only praised it many times.</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>But like I told you before sheās like a high school girl she just feels āa lotā so itās obvious that she wants someone like that? </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Ā </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>So I talked to her this evening. She and her ex had a meeting and apparently, He wants her back and she said heās not like before (Which I doubt it somewhat) sheās still feeling conflicted but she said she donāt want to cut ties with meā¦So she didnāt gave him any answer and told him to waitā¦</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>So I told her take her time, Iāll support her decision.</p> -
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