Dear Anita:

How’s your morning going?

 “If you had a child, a little boy, who trusts you and looks up to you (Addy) for love and protection, would you let your father (your boy’s grandfather) criticize your son like he criticized you, day after day (or once in a while), for as long as your father does it without the intention to hurt your boy, and for as long as he also has a soft spot for your child (between the criticisms)?”

No obviously not. Because I am aware of it and thing is that back in the days, I had this kind of thing like, I thought that he is doing this just to like to teach me like how to do like things “perfectly” I am not sure… Because that’s how he was raised Like you should be doing things “perfectly”

if you had a child, and you cared about your innocent child not being harmed (more than you cared about your father’s feelings), you would be different from your father, a different kind of father, and in a good way, wouldn’t you?

Yes obviously I would be different. I want to break this pattern and start the healthier pattern because I’m aware of it and I’ll try my best for that

because naturally, when people and other animals feel anger, they have the intention to hurt the object of their anger. The intention to hurt is inherent in anger.

Hmm Yes right I’m starting to accept different people with it’s different kind of abilities and inabilities

Dear Anita,

I thought about what you said and you’re not entirely wrong but I’m on holidays with my family and I think it’s just my father’s own triggers and traumas maybe? I can see that he’s somehow trying to blend in with me. And it’s just that kind of culture I grew up in we don’t disrespect elders but they can disrespect us. But not intentionally

Now think about this if my father is not able to aware about what’s actually triggering him or actually he thinks he’s right. His intention aren’t wrong and I do think that he have soft spot for me as well. He’s just doesn’t have EQ that we have. And the thing is that if I disrespect him it would just hurt him more. Which I don’t want to do.

About the financial support as an eldest son it’s my responsibility to support my family. And that’s just like a unwritten rule but it’s there and I’m not against it. Because I know I’m able to provide that and I don’t have a problem with that. Although I decided I’ll give specific amount every month like that I don’t have to worry about how much and what not.. Because I also have my own goals to accomplish

Dear Anita

Hope you’re having a happy weekend

Yes I agree with you and you’re right about that but how can I heal from that?

There are any things that you’re trying and it’s helpful to you?

I mean she didn’t wanted this matter to grow and fight more so she just told me be silent and she’ll talk with my father and try to make him understand. But I knew his mindset that he’s stubborn and he prefers only his point of view but I didn’t wanted to arguing anymore so

I agree about your thoughts on Mamata

And about CEN I took a test and it says I have some mild signs of that. That’s why. It’s not fully diagnosed by therapist but because of most of the symptoms were related that’s why I said. Like Low self esteem, shunning emotional closeness or intimacy, Mild ADHD (hyperactivity). Etc

I wouldn’t say they fulfilled my emotional needs 100%. Maybe my mother tried but my father didn’t. I used to be scared of him when I was little but scared not for abuse or anything. Just his anger when I’d do something wrong. It was different from my mother side if I do something wrong she’d tell me it’s wrong to do that and also explain why it’s wrong. Even now If I have to spend an hour alone with my father it doesn’t feel that much comfortable but I can spend whole day with my mother. But I try to tell myself it’s okay to have different views and I don’t have to be like him. We all are different. I respect him as he is. But I’m also sure I’m not craving validation from any of my parents. Childhood is past and I’m just trying to be better in the present

Dear Anita,
“No anger toward your parents, ever?”
So here’s a thing. There was a time when I used to be angry with my father because he used to mostly comparing others with me like look at him he achieved this and that and I was like yeah yeah… Luckily, he doesn’t do that anymore. Rn He’s like do whatever seems right for you.  And My mom has always been kind to me and supported me no matter what.

People fear committing to a relationship with another person because they don’t want to find themselves stuck with that person: not having an easy way out.

Oh well yeah I do feel like that sometimes that’s why I want to work on solving Fearful-avoidant attachment style

Dear Anita,

First of All, Thanks a lot! I’m impressed with how much you’re analyzing and trying to connect the dots. I highly appreciate it.

Insecure-avoidant attachment

Yes I think you’re right so I think it’s time for me to IRL again? NGL it’s been a while so… I’m not a shy person as I used to be. (At least that’s what I think) But here’s the thing about my LDRs and IRLs I haven’t approached a girl first… Even Once
So like I’d have to make the first move for like really the First time

being in long-distance relationships with women who never met you is a way to avoid being given the opposite of physical compliments: physical criticisms and perhaps insults.

Hmm I think you’re right

Sometimes you turn your inner criticism outward: criticizing your LDR girlfriend. The so called Inner Critic often turns into an Outer Critic, and back and forth. The two critics are like two sides of the same coin.

I agree.  So How should I start working on that?

Do you carry anger within you, for sacrificing and not asking for anything?

No. Not at all. I’m actually grateful for what they gave me.

do you pay a heavy price for being really calm and friendly: suppressing anger perhaps, or suffering extra anxiety?

Okay so this? I’m not sure about this. How should I figure this out?

Because for a while I’m considering myself Calm and friendly person. So It’s like just a mirror image of my thoughts?

You’d like to share about your irl relationship experience, please do.

Hmm I think it was very exciting. The Talking, Hand in Hand and the physical intimacy. It’s just good. You can’t get that feeling in texting. Hands down. Another is that it happened when I wasn’t mature as I am now. I was always on the edge it was really easy to make me angry that time so if something happens, we are fighting and not talking for days, and I was crazy stubborn (I still am a lil) Even at that time they be asking to be commitment and I wasn’t ready for that at all so Yeah commitment issues as well

And no I’m not afraid of IRL. I had IRL and I enjoyed it quite a lot

Dear Anita:
So, my previous LDR lasted more than 3 years. Really tested my patience. haven’t met in person. and not even video called once (funny I know) I felt like I wasted so much time and for what?
I’m an Aries-INFJ so I’m someone who prefers action yet still I waited that much long…and it took me more than a year to heal from that

Now this LDR, it’s been only two months. We didn’t meet in person Yet. She’s nice and mature but she is somewhat an anxious person. like whatever I suggest she be like it’s easy to tell, hard to do. even though I tried being patience she’s just doesn’t want to get out of her comfort zone. She didn’t even tell her parents about her moving plans or that she wants to study in Europe. I’m like when you planning to tell them.
It’s me I’m impatience and I’m kind of scared too because I don’t want to waste my time and emotions