Dear Anita,

Took some days to rest a little.. but hasn’t been that easy. I don’t feel like spending my days like this anymore. I’ll need to make up my mind and move on. Not sure if I’ll be going to Warsaw or staying here.. but I need to get going one way or another. Not sure if I want to carry on with the relationship either.. these days I feel like I don’t really care anymore. I sometimes feel this relationship has become a burden to me.. and I would feel much litter without it..

Damn.. nothing seems to make sense anymore.
How are u these days?

Dear Anita,

I’d say I resonate with this quite a lot, yes. I’ll look closer into that. Thank you 🙂
I’ve been asked earlier If I’d like to resume talking to my girlfriend today.. but I think I’ll postpone that for tomorrow.. Right now I don’t feel at all I’d like to connect to her.

How are u doing?

So..

I just god home and poured myself a glass of wine. Took me a while to transfer it from a big barrel to a bottle through a small hose. I’m not very good at that but I’m planning to learn more about wine making and all.

The conversation didn’t go as planned. I wasn’t able to tell her much.. She was pretty busy working and when she wasn’t I found it very difficult to casually tell her. There’s something very interesting going on. I feel this strong tension between us.. which is not a bad thing.. its just very intense. Should I call it sexual tension? Well.. I’m pretty sure that’s it but this time feels a little different. I don’t know. I feel a strong pull towards her and I also feel her being very nervous around me. I’ve been there before.. my current girlfriend was just like that when we were first talking to each other.. but this time feels stronger and different. So I wasn’t able to tell her.. and perhaps better? So I asked her for her phone number so maybe we can meet one of the next days. But I kinda feel I want to get this off my chest and I’m going to send her a message tonight. I’ll just tell her how I feel and see what she says. To be honest I feel she’s afraid.. or shy.. and maybe telling her in person wouldn’t have been the best thing. I feel its better to break the ice this way.. I’m almost convinced she’s also attracted to me.. I can see that.. but of course.. what If I’m wrong? I could be wrong.. but somehow I feel almost sure.

So let’s see. It’s a good test for me too, to see how well I pick up on what’s going on around me.
As for my current girlfriend… tomorrow we’re supposed to resume talking to each other… but I’m not sure what I’m going to do…

What a crazy weekend….
As for the bar… nah.. Alicante didn’t have anything as cool as Cafe del Mar…However, It was the closest thing to it! Its called Xiringuito Postiguet Alicante 🙂

Why is life so complicated?
I don’t f*cking know. It certainly appears to be very complicated indeed. And that pisses me off..

I’ve just discovered the word ”enticing” – I had no idea what it meant.

Will see… meanwhile.. I’m spending some time in a cafe some friends opened a while ago… and its really nice.. I enjoy the vibe, the music ( which I mainly take care of :)) ) the community..

There is however something.. There’s this woman who works there.. and I feel a strong pull towards her.. I’ve felt it for months seeing her here and there.. We don’t really know each other well… we talk sometimes but I feel she is also attracted to me. I feel strange about it.. I feel I want to step closer to her. I often think of her… but I won’t want to be dishonest towards my girlfriend.. who is in Poland. Our relationship isn’t great at the moment… we decided to take a few days off from talking.. so we can feel things a little better. We are both burned out from heavy arguments.

I feel I don’t know what to do. I feel both guilt and excitement. Damn it!

Anyway.. this is where I’m at this weekend..
How are u doing?
Robi

Dear Anita,

Good to hear from you and I’m sorry to hear your social life has decreased so much.. Mine did too when I was in Poland. Now it god much better here in Romania. I also have a couple places I really like going to.. in Spain, in Poland and now here too. I seem to get very attached to places. These last years I’ve been spending a lot of time in cafės and bistrós. One day I hope I’ll end up having my own 🙂

Bogart the beagle sounds nice! I had a beagle too.. when I was dating that German girl. She took him to Germany when we parted.. I really, really enjoyed our time together. ( me and Benz the beagle I mean ) And yes… Benz as in Karl Benz -> Mercedes Benz. Beagles are capable of such close connection with humans.. they are so playful and honest. These days I’m surrounded by cats.. we have 2 here and I took 10 days off living in the house with my parents and lived in a friend’s flat until he came back from Mexico. I took care of his cats. I also took care of myself. Today I came back to the house.. not feeling particularly good about it.. missing the times I lived somewhere else..

I’ll get unstuck. Its a process but its okay, I’ll figure it out.

I hope you’ll find a nice replacement for those places you used to go to and keep going out. It sounds like something you enjoy doing 🙂

Take good care,
Robi

Dear Anita,
Happy Woman’s Day!!! I hope you’re having a nice one:)

Yes I’ve come back 2 days ago – took me a while to get back to my normal mode. My body kinda gave up on Thursday. Sometimes it happens to me, when I’m processing too many things or after a big breakthrough my body needs a little time to integrate. Usually my nose gets jammed and I get headaches for a day or 2. Its interesting.. because I’m not getting a cold or a flu.. these are just symptoms that come after stressful periods – as if my body needs me to lay down a little so it can let go of something or let it integrate. Anyway, this time we’ve talked quite a lot about things and of course, my body reacted accordingly. Today I already resumed the workout routine 🙂 I really don’t feel good being back here.. I feel so trapped. After a while I get used to it.. and start feeling better. But still..

It was good and intense. There was also a full moon and eclipse which usually feel quite draining to me but both of us managed to talk honestly without blaming each other. I went there thinking I didn’t really want to continue.. I thought its hopeless and I thought I’m wasting my time being with her. Sometimes I feel like that after being away for a while.. as u know already. After spending a little time together I again felt like this is good. I felt like we are good together. And we are. However, there are some things that need to transform. We talked about her relationship with her mother quite a lot.. I told her how I think this is making it impossible for us to be together as 2 adults. She said she’s been working on that and she understands that she needs to work on her attachment to her mother. She also said she understands that I felt unseen and like a visitor instead of a partner. I’d really like us to make this work..

Now.. there was a job waiting for me. I got the job – so I’ve been told. But on Monday, after thinking about their offer I thought I’d ask them for a little more money. I sent the HR an e-mail and she replied she’d have to ask management. They didn’t get back to me since. Not sure I like that. If the job is still ON I’ll go and try.

I lack a lot of flow and energy today so I won’t be writing more but I’ll be here more often.
How are you doing? How is it going? We had 17 degrees here :). Its spring!

Take care,
Robi

Dear Anita,

A quick update – in the meantime my girlfriend decided to come see me for a few days.. to figure things out she said. Well.. let’s see about that. Also yesterday I’ve been offered a job in Warsaw. I’ve had a couple interviews during the last 2 weeks and now they presented me with a contract. They want me to decide pretty quick.. until Monday end of the day. Well.. I’m considering asking them for more time to be honest.

I find myself in a very confusing situation. I could take that job, move to Warsaw in March and ( if my girlfriend rents a flat ) live with her. She said she would rent that flat only if I have a work contract – which I didn’t like to be honest. It all feels like a transaction to me. Now… There are many questions. Actually no.. there are only a couple of questions:

1) Do I want co continue this relationship? – this feels like 50/50.. Part of me wants to try and hopes things will change.. the other part is just tired of this circus – tired of her mother’s presence, of living in a country that I don’t like much.. being disconnected from the friends I have now here. There I have no friends at all.. I would have to really make an effort and find likeminded people, community.
2) Do I want to work in a corporate structure? – this is something I don’t resonate with at all and it feels like I’m betraying myself.

Going to Warsaw and working for Satan would help me get financially independent. Also I’ll be living with her.
But I don’t know if I still want to…
I don’t even know how to decide.

It’s funny – she arrives on Monday. The same day I’m supposed to make up my mind about the job.

Have a nice evening Anita!
Robi