Hey anita

I experienced all those but with a different order that u wrote them, except Somatic one.

At first, when this happened, i woke up with a feeling of “doom”, like something bad has happened and idk what it is. Then depersonalization happened kinda, i was feeling like i am not “me”, i can’t describe it better sadly, like the person i was looking at the mirror wasn’t my true self, even my father noticed that week that i look very aloof/angry and it scared him. After came the cognitive dissociation. I remember not being able to form sentences with ease, forgetting what i wanted to say 10 seconds after thinking of it. I was on discord with a friend of mine, and i would start telling him something, then i would lose the words to form the sentence i wanted and i would zone out in conversations. Even having extreme difficulty texting someone, i would leave 15 people unread because i just couldn’t type words, it was exhausting and hard. Then came Dissociative amnesia, for example when i think about how i was feeling with this girl when i was having the time of my life with her, i couldn’t experience the feelings, it was just distant memories. Even now, when i think back on anything in my life, it’s like i am reading an archive that someone experienced. And finally, i think now i have the emotional dissociation, even though today while i was riding the motorcycle i thought about her, the plans we made, how much we wanted to travel together and i started crying in my helmet and my thoughts were “the back seat is hers only, i dont want anyone else” (and i think i meant it for my life too), then the crying stopped abruptly (like someone closed the valve) and again i felt nothing.

Damn all this is making me paranoid. Sometimes i think “am i doing this because i feel guilty to her?” other times i think “maybe i really want HER but i dont want the distance, so my body is at war with my mind” then i think “maybe i just wanted the feeling and not her?” It’s all entangled and i’ve never had this happen to me before. Usually i was a much simple-minded person

That sounds harsh.. How long were u in that state? Right now i feel depressed af/anhedonia at its peak, like i can’t experience anything at all, nothing touches me, i just exist.

Oh so there were no obvious triggers.
I dont know if it falls under the same experience, but i might have felt something similar on texting with this girl (since that was the communication we’ve been having). After the shutdown or whatever this is happened, talking/texting with her felt like i am speaking with a person that i dont know, logically i know who she is and what i was feeling before, what we’ve shared, but i just felt like i wanted to get away.

No no i havent, actually ive never experienced any of this in general. Sometimes i wonder if i am disorganized or if that’s just me, that those feelings i had vanished and i dont want to accept it. It all feels so strange.

Yes thats how i was feeling too sometimes. My mother was also kinda like yours..
Could that have anything to do with what i am going through now? With the girl, my feelings, numbness and stuff..?

The one that i posted above with the “why did i choose a girl whos far away” but i told her it just happened, she ticked many of my boxes and i started bonding with her. She doesnt believe it, she thinks there is more under that.
What i realized today though is that the therapist might have not taken into account (because i probably didnt focus on it enough) that when that happened, i didnt just shutdown for the girl, i was bedridden for 10 days, couldnt work/eat/clean my house, i was just showering/lying in bed/searching what happened to me.I also felt immense guilt for the girl because i couldnt be present for her.

Instead she focused on attachment issues, which might have not been really the case in this dynamic, because my shutdown/dissociation covered all areas of my life, not just the romantic one. So i might have to focus somewhere else entirely.

Hello anita

I think my mind is off so i can’t think of anything about RED right now haha, but i will try later 🙂

I mean, i can’t control if the other person will cheat, they can do that and i might never find out, so i don’t stress over it. But on deeper things (like sharing my fears, etc) i hesitate.

Fear of intimacy* sorry

No no he said that IF the compulsions persist he could give me something mild if i want it, but he said that i dont need anything right now from what ive told him.

He said that this feeling of “depression” probably comes because i havent found what i like doing in my life and it is repetitive.

Its a weird situation because one thing drives the other.

Also, today i visited a psychiatrist for evaluation, i described the situation and he told me that he doesn’t think i have anything that needs meds, just some compulsions, that perhaps might need something mild for a while if they persist, not ADHD or smth.I told him how i intellectualize everything in my life (mainly feelings), which is an avoidance mechanic in order for me to avoid feeling the negatives. He said that i overgive in the relationships to get the other person to like me (so they wont leave me/hurt me or have anything bad to accuse me of -a tad of narcissicm there but its normal-) and when its time for me to “prove” something or things get real, i find myself deep in a situation that i dont know how i got there, so i get anxious that i will “hurt” the other person, or i will seem like the bad guy and i freeze from anxiety, which leads again to hurting the other person and making me the bad guy, a self-fulfilling prophecy. (this is how i felt with her) But he also said that it’s because all my relationships were based on infatuation and i don’t know how to transition from that to the next phase, which is what’s probably happening with this girl now, but its more difficult because of the distance and the lack of physical contact.
He said that my feelings are not gone, just covered by anxiety and that i dont let myself feel them, i am afraid of getting hurt.