Forum Replies Created
-
AuthorPosts
-
ConfusedParticipantI was afraid of breaking her heart/feelings/trust. That i would be another “bad guy” in her book, someone that lead her on and “used” her to pass his time until he got bored or something. So maybe the fragile in me is my “image” ?
ConfusedParticipant[quote quote=454816]That you might hurt her? That you had to be careful not to hurt her?[/quote]
I didnt see that one, yes that i have to be careful now, that i hold something “fragile” in my hands.ConfusedParticipantOh i forgot to mention, some days before that, i felt “overwhelmed” by something, like my body was full of it, i think it was feelings of love or close to that and i wanted to tell her but i didn’t because i thought she would think i’m weird.
Also in December 30th, i read her poem again and i cried deeply, felt the need to tell her how much this means to me and that perhaps i love her.
ConfusedParticipantNo, i just thought of that because she expressed how she felt. Even though i already knew she’s into me months ago, but maybe this hit different. Or it was just the timing that i was coming off the new relationship energy?
ConfusedParticipantNo i don’t think so, in fact i believed that i am very lovable and capable of offering nice things in a relationship right before this happened to me. I don’t know if that thought crossed my mind, i think it didn’t. It was mostly “why dont i feel ecstatic right now?!” and then guilt followed that “i am a bad person because i don’t feel more”. Maybe that was the first moment that i realized things were getting more serious?
ConfusedParticipantWell, my idea of love (in the romantic situations) is the feeling of wanting to be with the other person 24/7 or missing them all the time, wanting to talk to them, be with them. If i don’t feel like this, it doesn’t gauge my interest, i feel fake, and i hate being fake.
On the other hand, i know consciously that love=empathy, caring, affectionate. But what good does that do if i can’t “feel the motivation” to do it? U feel what im saying?
ConfusedParticipantDamn,not really 🙁 . I still can’t connect the two. My exact thoughts when i read her poem were “Oh, what a wonderful, deep and affectionate move, she is lovely”, but then it followed “Why don’t i feel more? I SHOULD be feeling more, why am i not crazy/elated right now? Isn’t that what i wanted? I feel so bad if i don’t feel more about it right now, i am such a bad person, but now i have to be extra careful not to hurt her, damn she really IS into me?!” I think my train of thoughts was kinda like this. But then again, i have never felt excitement about receiving gifts/love since i was maybe 12? For example my friends surprised me with a pair of shoes on my birthday and i faked my excitement because i didn’t wanna seem like an asshole, but really i felt nothing, just appreciation and that’s all.
I think i can’t receive love and i have to be okay with faking it at this point, i dont know. I don’t “believe” in unconditional love towards me, i’ve always learned to earn it.
ConfusedParticipantWe’ve have mentioned it again here but how can i know if that’s the case? I wasn’t consciously “expecting” things to get to this point. I never do in my relationships because i hate it. The only feeling i can think of escaping is the feeling of “not being enough” for the other person and letting them down, since this is how i kind of felt (i think??) when she confessed her feelings, that “now i have to be extra careful not to hurt her. This and the feeling of “responsibility” which came after probably.
I dont remember if i mentioned it again, but therapist said that “i have an interesting way of receiving love, or rather not receiving it at all”, i told her about the other day that 2 of my friends would refuse to meet if i wasn’t with them and they would cancel plans and how this enraged me and made me feel “responsible” for them like they’re little kids and need a parent. But she said that as a third person, she sees that as an act of love (from them-to me) that they want to include me in their plans and want to have a good time WITH me. So she said “maybe that’s what happened with the girl as soon as she expressed feelings?”. I had never thought of it this way, i immediately asked 2 people about my friends example and to my surprise, they said that they too would see it as a declaring of “love” or connection of sorts, rather than “responsibility” like i did. And i thought “wow, maybe the issue is me”. I also catastrophize and expect the worse every time, so that possibly numbs me bit by bit.
ConfusedParticipantTherapist says that too. She asked me “do you think it’s a coincidence that you chose to bond so deeply over distance and not up close?”. But i feel like it just happened, i didn’t plan on wanting someone from another country, i was liking her more and more the better i was getting to know her. So,tbh i dont know really, i’ve never had issues with close proximity relationships, i was feeling fine. (the fears were still there but i wasnt running from it)
How do u mean that? Why would i want to escape the feelings that i like so much?
ConfusedParticipantPlus, i think if i’ve only been using her as an escape, i would be on my way to find the next “escape” and i wouldn’t think twice about her. I definitely felt a bond with her, especially up close. While i was with her, i felt the intense pull to hug her, kiss her, kiss her hand/forehead, squeeze her tightly in my arms, the kiss felt magnetic. Even at the airport while i was saying goodbye to her, i started crying but i quickly turned around. I don’t think all those were made up.
ConfusedParticipantI saw it clearer because of how much different my life feels now, without the intense feelings for her, but now it’s at 0, i can’t find the inbetween, it’s always 100 or 0 with me, i think that’s the hard thing to learn, how to live in the middle and still enjoy it. I wouldn’t say i used her as an escape, rather she added joy/love/belonging, things that i crave.
Yes we’ve had many meaningful exchanges and i refuse to believe that what i was feeling/doing were “fake” or something. I was feeling great while doing, legitimately caring and supporting her. I even felt it now at times but its like my brain says “no no, we dont do that here” and shuts it off.ConfusedParticipantI am sorry for your loss. I thought of that and i know it plays a big role, its just that i can’t get her out of my mind and i don’t know why. The only way seems to just tell her to cut contact indefinitely but i know i’ll be still thinking about her constantly. I’ve done it with others in the past, didn’t work. So i am trying to find out what’s going on with me perhaps, idk.
@anita
Psychiatrist said he doesn’t think i’m depressed or something. He said im afraid to let go and surrender and he sees some OCD in me, not depression. But i don’t feel like it. I feel depressed with strong OCD tendencies that focus around this girl.What you’re trying to say is that i was using her as an escape?
ConfusedParticipantHey anita
Im trying but i cant rest, not even in my sleep. I had 3 weird dreams and 2 of them were about her (maybe the 3rd one was too but i dont remember). In both, i was in her city for other things (where i visited) and i was feeling anxiety and that “something is missing/not right”. Then i woke up feeling like shit. What is going on haha
ConfusedParticipantI hope it comes in time, i will try to focus on other things and let my mind rest, but sometimes i think that this is what it craves, problems to search solutions for.
ConfusedParticipantSo they say, but i’ve never been through this again in my life (at least as far as i can remember). What was the stress about? I can’t understand what could have stressed me so much to push me into this state?
So this just needs time and it gets better? A while ago i cried again when i thought of the plans i had and it was more than the morning’s one but it stopped again. 5 minutes later i feel as if it never happened.
Yes that’s what i’ve been doing in the past 2 months now so i guess it doesnt help. It was a first for me and i got scared.
What was the heavy thing though? Very strange. I’m trying but im a really impatient person, maybe that’s here to teach me to be patient 🙂
-
AuthorPosts
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 