Hello anita

I dont sleep well in the past 2 months but im trying, i hope u did!

Hmm, i seem to enjoy emotionally available partners so far, unavailable cause me to lose interest instantly (if it’s in the beginning)

My sisters are younger so they didn’t experience her like i did. Things got a bit calmer after but they still got into fights with her, nothing like me tho. I honestly can’t connect the two (my experience with her and me growing up)

I felt responsible as in, not anger them so they won’t fight each other/me.

Oh that was kinda the same for me with mine. I was always alert regarding her feelings, not wanting to upset her and so on.

@thomas168
I really want to feel again, i am not quite sure yet but i am exploring.

Hey anita
No no im not leaving yet haha, if i do so it will be for me to clear my head of all this 🙂
Tell me, what exactly do u want me to explain further?

Yes i think that’s exactly how i feel like. When people make me responsible for their feelings i dont feel that good.

But i didnt feel it consciously, only a little bit perhaps. Do u think it was all a fantasy that blew off for me?

Hi anita

Yes because of the connection i felt and i can feel she’s an honest and sensitive person. Even though i started wondering if i have ADHD (because many of my symptoms match) and combined with an insecure attachment style, i got in this predicament.

No no, it’s a fear in my mind, i think for the most part i was great to her, its just my own insecurities that get the best of me.

Because i know it’s my thing to “fix” and i feel bad when i turn their love down. I accept it and move on. I think i feel the same with you 🙂

@anita

I didn’t pay much attention to that at first, because i am romantic and i like those things. But the truth is, i have only known how to be the one that is more invested in a relationship, never experienced the opposite. And with her i felt like i am “responsible” for something fragile (her feelings and trust) and i can’t handle such pressure/responsibility (responsibilities drive me away like crazy) because eventually i was afraid i would let her down. Also that being the one that invests more, kinda lets me “control” the situation a bit and if things go south i can’t be blamed. I know it sounds nonsense but i think this is how i feel in a way.

Weirdly enough, i didn’t feel cringe with my mother/grandma hugging or kissing me. I feel it strongly now with my father (he expresses his love every day, very intensely) and when my sisters hug me, i freeze and feel like i want to push them away. They know that i have this thing so they find it funny haha.

@Thomas168

I have never had any issues with going all-in with the previous girls, but it has never been this deep connection like the one with the current girl. I guess going all-in includes being vulnerable with them (which was the first time i did now, never did i share my fears with anyone else). You mean like the shadow self or the inner child? I think thats what they call it. By pulling back u mean ur feelings got suppressed and u became blank/empty like me? I am glad things worked out for you, i wish i could say the same 🙂

I think it could be, because ive never moved in with another girl before (just staying for vacation) and i know that i am kinda strict on needing my space in the house. Also the first time flying out of the country aswell.

Therapist said that i have a lot to untangle, it goes really deep, and its just our 2nd appointment.. She asked me if i find it strange that i lost feelings days after the girl confessed hers to me and i felt that she is more into me than i am into her.

I think i am afraid to lose the potential that i didnt get to explore with her yet, the dreams, the plans. Also a caring, trustworthy and deep-feeling person that i saw on her. I dont wanna be left with the “what if” because now im numb.

Alright i will try that when the rumination gets strong. But i dont know why it happens

Hello anita, i will get back to you soon, got to go for now 🙂