@thomas
Thank you, i will look into that since i’ve always been kinda curious about those things, they seem kinda “weird” to me 🙂

Hey anita

Perhaps my shutdown is getting in the way yes.
No i didnt try to perform, i genuinely couldnt connect the sentences, the pages in the forum dont help haha

1) Hmm, the feelings that came were fear (that i will disappoint, not be enough), then pressure (because i have to perform in order to not disappoint) and finally avoidance of the situation altogether.
2) Now i feel inadequacy because of my state, but if she is too clingy (which she isn’t) i feel anger (that goes towards my friends that never do anything without me and i feel like they are hanging from me). But the therapist said that this is a form of love that people express towards me (wanting to include me in their plans) and i probably can’t accept because i perceive it as pressure and responsibility, perhaps because at some point in my life someone needed me too much and i resented that. That makes some sense to me, because in most of my life i’ve been helping people everywhere, not expecting anything in return. But idk if i connected that to the girl or something, its very hard to identify.

Now i am mostly numb towards everything, even sadness is gone, fear too.

U talked about pressure and responsibility, i can sense responsibility, but not the pressure and the “fear” behind them, consciously.

Hey anita

I realized the first thing about pressure, but i cant fathom the other one about closeness. I’ve never felt it before with any other girl (i guess it was more superficial? less time?)

Yes and how do we change that? 🙂

I can’t really remember how love was “given” to me. She asked me if i was ever “needed too much” from someone and that made me resent this feeling, but my whole life i was needed by people to help them with different things, until one time i cut it all off.

I know but i can’t feel it consciously, so how can i “fix” it if i can’t feel it?

I think it feels like responsibility for sure, pressure idk..maybe?

@thomas

I have most of those traits, but i struggle with 1,2,3,6.

So how does one reach Nirvana? 🙂

Thank you 🙂

Local taproom? What is this? (oh okay i didnt think of that). I understand, i appreciate your replies, they might help me out too 🙂

Oh i dont know really. My guess would be chaotic house and relationships? I notice that i am anxious towards my relationships, avoidant when sensing rejection and completely avoidant towards my family/friends.

Hello anita

Its so hard for me to accept things that i cant change..feels really bad and hopeless.

U are right on what u said, we can only calm others to a degree. Cant be responsible for them or them for us..

Yes i think thats what i do.

I would just make the other person a little upset/angry but jokingly, nothing too serious, or spark some light/fun jealousy, but not in a toxic way.

Thats how i felt like and i dont understand why. The truth is, i did feel like she leaned heavily on me regarding her well-being at times, like she depends on me for her happiness and everyday mood, we became too codependant/enmeshed? what is the word i am not sure.

We are the same age yeah..I have the same experience as you..

Idk if that translates to fear? I didnt feel conscious fear, just a sense that now i “have to” response in a way to match that or that i am “responsible” for her in a way. Could this be it?

Hey anita, thank you very much for taking time to search all those things 🙂

Yes, i did have my mother up to the age of 22, but i cant find the connection between her and my female “partners”.

I don’t feel pressured at all dont worry, i just really can’t correlate my parents to my partners. I suppose it has an immense effect but i still can’t connect situations of the past to my present ones (for example the one with this girl).
I make a lot of excuses for my parents and for most people and their behaviours, i know that. I always see their side of the story and be quick to validate them, often leading to neglecting my own feelings and side.I feel like “the bigger person”.
Chaos feels so natural to me and i often thrive in chaotic work environments, i noticed that in most of my relationships, when things flow easy and calm for too long, i instigate some “drama” to keep the spark alive. Not anything serious though.