Hi Anita,

How are you? How is Bogart doing? PS – what does his name mean – I’d love to know that.

Yes I have always had dogs. All female labradors except for our current dog, Ralph, who is a cockapoo and a naughty boy! I really am a dog person… not a cat person… because when I was younger a cat scratched me. That said, I was bitten by a dog once, and that was scary!

I’ve been in a bit of recovery over the past few days. I had an interview and it went badly, I found out I didn’t get it yesterday. That’s okay though! I did have an ‘emotional eat’ – not a binge, but it felt sad to eat when sad.. I know we are human and this is a valid experience but it didn’t sit right with me to eat like that again. So I think I may have outgrown emotional eating… finally…?

Hope you are okay too 🥰

Hi Anita,
Oh no! That is not pleasant… I hope your dog is okay and I hope you are able to return to your bed soon… is it the stress of not sleeping in your bed/worrying about your dog’s health that is keeping you?

Yes, my Mum is learning to let go and it’s so lovely to see. More so because she’s spent a lifetime looking after others & putting out their fires for them especially extended family. With us, she did not have reliable or present parents so I believe she was determined to be the most present mother ever. I understand this.
To answer your question, I can’t describe a bodily emotion – but she just feels safe and calm. Unlike the two men in my life who are rather hectic, emotionally unpredictable and a bit flight or fight. My dad airs too much the side of caution in terms of – sometimes he’s afraid to speak to my brother, owing to their previous rifts. He too did not have present parents – I don’t think anyone really taught him so he learnt as he went (as many, if not most parents do!)

With my brother – yes. He’s protective over me and is older but I sometimes think of him as a younger brother to educate in small things like housework, cooking etc. other than that, he is extremely self-sufficient. I think he is in a certain era of his life where he craves freedom but does need support, even if unwilling to admit that.

Do you have siblings? 🥰

Hi Anita,

Lovely to hear from you.
I do agree with you, I think my mother did get too close. I spoke to her today on the phone and she somewhat admitted that. She got stung herself by my brother for talking to his ex, and she now says to me – that she is letting them get on with it. This was important I think, for two reasons. (1) she is allowing them to sort out their own problems. (2) finally, she is putting her needs before others’. I’m so glad for her. Of course, I know my mother, she will always put her family’s needs before her own. But hearing her today made me realise she is ready to pursue her own goals and dreams and step away from her children’s needs, to be there as a support always, but not to come rushing in to ‘save us’ from making mistakes. Just that element of trust for us – to allow us to crack on.

🥰❤️

ps – have you ever tried the app Insight Timer? It is amazing, full of meditations (of all lengths and varieties). It has been my saving grace at times!

Hi Anita,

Again, thank you so much for your kind words! I feel you have been an important part in my journey. You always given me food for thought, and have opened up parts of myself that I didn’t quite realise were there. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

I’m sure yesterday was bittersweet for you. Seeing your people in your local place and having a wonderful time, but now the place is shutting down… I really hope you all are able to stay together and find a new stomping ground as they say!

Yes, bless my parents I do believe that they have had poor parenting and therefore naturally they sometimes overcompensate. My mum is worried, not so much about me, but about my brother. People do feel on tenderhooks around him as he is quite emotionally unpredictable, and sometimes it feels like walking on eggshells. It’s difficult to disagree with him. I don’t mind so much the disturbance of having a flatmate but I notice that I am a bit more anxious at his being here, even though he has done nothing wrong.

I found today difficult as it’s the penultimate weekend before my exams are finished, i’m not quite done but the end is in sight. I don’t want to overdo it with the studies but at the same time while resting, I feel as though I am passing the time until the exams come. It’s not so bad I guess. I am seeing/calling friends, spending time outside, making meals.

Just had to tell you. How are you today?

Hello Anita,
It is so nice to hear from you. I was thinking to message you the other day.

I’m doing well thank you. It has been a busy month and lots has been going on. I am almost finished with my exams, 3 more left over the next two weeks and I can’t wait!

My brother’s girlfriend broke up with him and it has taken an emotional toll on the family, as their plans to move in together fell through and he has now moved back in with me – which caused me to feel a bit anxious as we lived together before and he could be a bit difficult. I have been at my parents’ for the past week and today is my first day back at home. So we’ll see how it goes – I notice he has grown in the past few years and I do believe he has softened, so some of the worries of living together will ease.

My Dad is causing my family a bit of worry as he is really pushing himself at work to finish a project, but is not enjoying it. He won’t quit because he wants to see it through. But as a result, he is taking out his stress on my mum which is not helping.

My mum is upset about the breakup, as she really loved the girlfriend and thought they would end up together. She often talks to me about her worries to do with my brother, whether him and his girlfriend will get back together, and my Dad. My mum and I are very close so I listen. I think at times when I’ve been really busy with studying, it has added a bit of pressure but I’ve tried to maintain balance and kindly tell her when I haven’t got capacity.

So I’m doing well. I’m focusing on myself, my studies and my family.

How are you doing? 💚

Hello Anita,

It is so interesting that you have asked me this question. I have been a people-pleaser for the past few years, and finding the balance between being selfish and selfless is actually one that I’m still trying to master!

There is a book called how to love others without losing yourself. I read it a few years ago but I think the title is accurate on how I view your question. Being selfless means not losing yourself when loving others. And that loving you, and loving others, can peacefully co-exist.

I’m in a situation at the moment where i finally feel more at peace. With my studies, with life, with myself. But, my family is now facing a new challenge – so I’m really trying to support them, yet in that support, I am making sure I am still prioritising myself and reminding myself that it is okay and not selfish to look out for myself. It’s also coming up to my birthday so maybe it’s a full circle moment!

Do you find the balance hard to strike? What does selfless mean to you 🤍