I feel as though I am taking steps in the right direction most of the time. I am thinking about it a lot still but it’s not all fantasizing. I think I am finding it difficult with attachment because as an individual she definitely had certain things I liked in terms of a partner. But the mental instability and unresolved trauma was obviously the parts I didn’t like but couldn’t take away.

The other things making it difficult is knowing I actually did try everything. I changed a lot, I wrote letter, poems, supported her, did things she liked, reasoned with her and put lots of effort in. I am also proud of this just knowing how much I can do for someone is a good feeling. It’s also nice knowing that’s how I am as a person.

Lastly it just feels bad realizing that she didn’t love me the same way I did to her. But that’s okay because I know I will receive the same love one day.

I have been writing down a lot of the bad things and it should’ve been such a red flag as to how fragile and insecure she was. I remember one time I picked a movie that was about child abuse in a church. She freaked out straight away and asked me if that’s what I’m into and why I would be interested in a movie like that. So she was basically accusing me of being a pedophile or atleast had thoughts of it because I chose a movie based on the topic. I figured it was all just related to her trauma. But looking back now I see how sensitive she was.

Anyway I just thought I would post again to get some stuff off my chest. I’m writing down goals in my notes and I have a good list so far!

I will definitely keep posting here, I do really enjoy talking about it in an odd way. Some of my friends actually told me to just drop as it was getting quite old for them. I can understand where they are coming from as they see the situation from a different perspective and don’t have that investment that I did. They can see that she was no good for me but I still miss her. I almost feel like I’m chasing a high and I would go through those lows just for that high again.

You spoke about being down and daydreaming earlier, I spoke to my psych about a similar thing. I almost enjoy that feeling a bit as it is real pain and it not something I always experience. It’s like I force my mind to really feel the emotions and dig deep to bring it all up at times like this. However it can be destructive if I delve into it too much.

I was thinking today how the relationship changed overtime and how it got worse after each break up. It’s like I was punished for being comfortable around her and towards the end I wasn’t comfortable but I still didn’t want to loose her at any time during our relationship. People don’t know what they have until they loose it, I think is the quote. I feel like I knew what I had and that I could loose it very easily.

Considering what some of my friends have said do you think it will come to a point where I am just holding onto nothing and talking about it too much? Have I already crossed that point? My friends were very supportive and I guess they think talking about it isn’t helping me heal sometimes as I go too deep into it.

Hey Tee

I think if she reached out anytime soon I would have a discussion with her about why we can’t. What do you think if she reaches out in the distant future? That is a worry of mine. I feel as I would still have some attachment years from now.

Everything we have spoken about in the past few days especially has made it a lot clearer to what was going on. I never even had a thought of emotional abuse in my life until the week before the break up. I think I was experiencing it more and more as time went on. I felt like at the start when she was working and on her correct medication that the relationship was a lot better. But come to think of it we had break ups every 2 months. Either way we were splitting up but maybe it wasn’t until later when I actually experienced the manipulation etc.

Not a lot of hobbies unfortunately. I do like riding occasionally and walking. Gaming is usually my escape too. However I felt like that got taken away a bit. Yes work and the house definitely give me some fulfillment, like my effort at work has rewarded a house I guess.

I have lots of friends so I am lucky there. I didn’t see them much during the relationship and she had only met them all a few times. My best friend and Mum have been the most supportive during all the break ups.

I don’t think it’s anything related to my childhood. My memories are all nice, my parents were great, my brother caring.

I was thinking today about my ex and her family. Her mother was very sweet, her father was nice but he definitely had a switch and could snap. Very similar to my ex in ways and from what she’s told me he would get quite angry at her when she was young. Her sister is on the same medication as her also. I think a lot of this could be related.

I know how to treat myself right and focus on myself it will come to me again soon enough. I have support for when I’m lonely and daydreaming. I am obviously upset but overall I’m coping. Still a bit of a shock to the system in saying that even after so many times.

I will start writing some stuff down myself but any help would be greatly appreciated! I do fantasize about a relationship with her at times but I’m getting good at pulling myself out of that train of thought and unpacking what the relationship actually was in reality.

I think I am already doing all those things. Setting precautions for fantasizing, surrounding myself with support, going to therapy etc.

I guess I am taking the right steps then. I don’t think I’m depressed just very emotional about it all, there’s not really much relief though.

So I ended up getting my things. There was no conversation at all, she was blunt and cold. Typical she messaged me later but that was our final goodbye because she couldn’t do it in person.

She admitted to emotionally processing the break up before it happened and taking it out on me. Her ‘deal breaker’ was the difference between us. Because of the differences in us it wasn’t the relationship she wanted to have. Made me realise that it was all manipulation, especially this.

She said she wants to be there for eachother but doesn’t see how it would work without being together. I decided to just leave it at that because I feel like I got a bit of an answer and atleast she admitted to certain and owned up as well.

No she didn’t want to change. By her last message she wanted to relationship to work around her and accommodate to her needs and wants. I am starting to see it now more I think.
I am going to move on because that’s not what I want from a partner in the end. A relationship shouldn’t be that difficult. It was super toxic.

She definitely used the break ups as a way to control me, whether she knew it or not. She knew I was readily available when she wanted. When she would pull away I would always be following behind ready to give her my heart back but not this time.

No time was any different, it honestly just got worse and spiraled out of control. All the false promises, still no work, still left, still unstable and the list goes on. Those few things should’ve been enough for me to leave. As you said leaving would’ve been a healthy reaction in the first place. It was all just a fantasy and in reality she was not good for me.

I was good enough though in the end she even said I did nothing wrong which I already knew. It was her not me. I was trapped and got brought down by her disgusting moods.

It does hurt a lot and the pain of being alone I can handle but it’s just how she burned me that hurts. I trusted her completely again and it was broken again. It’s always the ones closest to you. I know what I deserve though.

I’ll get back to being happy pretty quickly I think. I will find my passions again and the weekend boredom will soon vanish. It’s still quite fresh for me.

I get so attached and clingy especially with exes and I don’t know why. I think it’s because now that person is gone all the memories we shared feel like they are gone as well. I have been told by too many people now that she has totally consumed me and I need to forget so it’s what I’ll try to do. It’s the only thing I’ve been thinking and stressing about for months now and it’s not healthy.

I do have a deep longing for love and maybe it’s related to my inner child. I know one day I will find someone but in the meantime I will try focus on loving myself again.

Thanks Tee

I guess I could have become dependent on her overtime considering I was a lot happier in the beginning. Eventually her mood would also affect mine, she told me she never wanted her bad moods to affect people and that’s why she chose to leave at times and be distant. That’s how she is in reality.

She said she did want to work on healing but she didn’t really take any action on it. Do you think I pushed her to change too much? I did earlier in the relationship, but then I stopped and was left waiting for her to still get work, therapy etc.

So you think I was in love with the idea of what she could be? There was a lot I loved and also a lot I didn’t but I put up with it. I taught myself that it was okay and this was just who she was.

She wasn’t content with me at all in the last 3 or so weeks. She was often in my ear telling me I need to change my priorities and be there for her etc.

I do see how the reality is a lot different and I think that’s what hurts but I do feel I am healing as well. Just the thought of it all actually ending causes grief.

I don’t know why I am latching into an imagined future. I feel like each day I think about it a tiny bit more. I will try my hardest to not beautify the relationship and remember what it actually was.

I will chat with my psych about it as well.

I felt the less I’d upset her the more I would be anxious on walking on egg shells. But when I spoke up I felt I was shut down and told I wasn’t listening to her.

She took everything I said about her as an attack. All my comments about her getting work, her attitude etc were always taken personally and I was told not to bring it up. She use to say things along the lines of ‘I shouldn’t feel bad for feeling a certain way‘ , yet when I would say something similar it was unfair in her eyes. It was always a double standard.

Thanks for the advice I will see what happens first. I am not anxious about it at the moment.

I know she wasn’t doing it on purpose but as you said it’s still not right. I learned a lot and I think the hardest thing at the moment is just dealing with having my trust broken again.

i have been so bored recently so I’m trying to stay occupied especially on the weekend!

Hey Tee,

I feel a lot better about it this time. I understand she hasn’t changed now. The final break up text cemented that. Again no closure and was too much of a coward to even do it in person.

It. Really did feel like it was all about her and your analogy of the remote control car in one of your previous comments was a perfect one. She really did control everything including how I felt. When I would resist or stand my ground it was more signs of imperfect love, I was only trying to encourage her own self reliance. I was living through the lens of her happiness and not my own.

I never heard of trauma bonding until today but I started seeing the signs of emotional abuse last week. This was definitely what I was experience as well as manipulation. I think it was unintentional but still that isn’t what I want from a relationship.

I do feel a bit different, I don’t know how to describe it but I feel violated and taken advantage.

She told me I need to change by being there for her more and understanding what she was feeling. I was constantly told I wasn’t listening to her or understanding her needs. Yet I understood fully, however she didn’t understand mine. The responsibility of work and owning a house is a lot. She has neither and for this reason she couldn’t understand the demand of my life at times. Always about her, always dismissing my valid points in arguments and telling me I was going round in circles. To be fair we both were.
She would accuse me of not having my priorities right, expecting that she should be number 1 before anything else. My priority is my future, family and me. I feel as if these all correlate in my life and a partner is included in that, not any higher or lower on some list. Speaking of lists she was always trying to get one up on me during arguments like it was a scoreboard. She was actually just plain rude to me during our last argument and not rational at all. I felt so defeated

I am waking up to it. I felt so trapped and alone the day before she left me. It’s because I was in the end. I was suffering in silence because of her mental instability. I felt as I couldn’t speak in fear of upsetting her or just being straight up rejected. That in itself is hurting me as I am questioning if I maybe should have spoken up more. However I don’t think it would change any outcome.

I know I need to stop. I have removed her off everything and my headspace is on fixing myself and not latching onto hopes of a future relationship. I texted My psych again today I hopes to book another appointment. I bottled everything up last session as I was too afraid to say I felt I was being abused emotionally, I wasn’t sure if it was me overthinking.

thanks for the reply Tee

Hey Tee,

Apologies for not replying to your last message sooner. I have been pretty average. Things didn’t work out with my ex but we did try again. As you explained the cycle just kept happening.

I had a lot of doubt myself after last time and I just couldn’t get my head to forget what she did to me in the past and it just made me feel worse about myself and cause distance.

It dawned on me a couple of days ago that I felt as I couldn’t be myself and do what I want to do. She needed a caregiver 247 and when I wasn’t there for her it was again signs of me not loving her enough and her not getting what she was wanting.

We were fighting a lot the last couple weeks and it was all brought on due to her not feeling connected etc. we’d have a chat and sort things out but then again days or a week later she would say she wasn’t getting what she wanted.

I feel quite attacked honestly. I don’t think my side was ever considered and she would selfishly use me as a punching bag for her irrational behavior. I felt really shit about myself after an argument the other night and I remember thinking I can’t leave her but that she was going to do it soon. Now it’s happened and I may not be happy at the moment but I needed an out. I think I may have been receiving slight emotion abuse at times.

I will check out that video! Thanks Tee hope you’ve been well also