Hey Tee,

I am trying not to blame myself, I think I am just caring too much now about how she is and what she is doing. When she is obviously not caring about me so that puts it into perspective a bit. She actually mentioned last time that she blocked it all out but then it all hit her. I know in the future I’ll be fine and I’m already getting closer to that feeling. She has a much longer journey than I do but like her, I shouldn’t be caring right now.

I wouldn’t say fatigue, more something I enjoyed back then, now it feels like it’s more of a distraction at times.

I really did feel over the moon from everything she said, especially earlier on, I think that’s the feeling I’m chasing again and again with her. Before the last 2 break ups, which were the worst and longest, she was bringing up future, family marriage etc a lot more compared to after the break ups. I feel like I was gas lit.

I have never been so committed in a relationship like that. It’s not so much a desire for a family but more so a partner.

I honestly do feel like I sabotaged those relationships a tad. I also get like towards the end I was doing it with this one. Maybe the last week or 2. Overall I did give my best though.

Yeah I think it did scare her, she was in no position to even be thinking about kids without work. She just started studying youth support work which I encouraged but always thought how is she managing that when she doesn’t have her own self in order.

It’s definitely a long process but I know I’ll get there. I’m writing goals etc and trying to bring more discipline into my life. I am just dwelling on everything too much and I can’t seem to put it too rest so I’m teaching my brain to use accept it for what it is and let it be. I am over analyzing now. As I said earlier she doesn’t care so that should be a good enough reason for me not too.

Hey Tee

Yes she definitely was at times limiting my playfulness as I was worried about triggering her. I don’t think she understood my playfulness fully either.

I would say it’s more like losing myself in a daydream than being dysfunctional. It just feels excessive sometimes, like I have to day dream.

I think that is definitely what happened. Smoking was a bigger issue in my last two relationships. I really did give it my all. My first ex I tried fighting for months later and she told me if you fought earlier it would’ve been different. I was the distant one at first and didn’t want to rekindle until later on. That really stuck with me so I got into the mind set of fight before it’s too late. I think it is a right time wrong person scenario. It’s a hard lesson but it’s true, we can’t make people change, even if we do everything we can.

I think I could be attracted to it if I’m being honest, however I’m not sure why. My psych said it could just be a coincidence. I don’t think it’s to do with having less issues but more of a protector role.

I will do my best to stay away from all things related to her. I had an average day I’ve just felt so unmotivated and a bit lonely. I think I’ve cried  nearly everyday but I’m coping.

I guess you’re right I was a parental figure but I don’t think I was very similar to her father. And thanks that’s good advice not to message him.

I have just read Roberta’s message as well. It’s interesting you brought up the hormonal cycle. My ex actually just had a laparoscopy to have endometriosis and a marina removed. So maybe it was possible this exaggerated her triggers. We had a big argument before her surgery also. Not sure if any of this is significant.

Hey Tee,

I’m honestly an open book always have been and I don’t get offended easily. Don’t hesitate to dig 🙂

Yes they were always playful remarks and things we would laugh over usually. I’d say things like ‘I’m an idiot’ and we would giggle and agree for another example. Similar to her comment about trusting directions in a way. Only difference is I wouldn’t take it personally. There was never any resentment or hate coming from my sarcasm.

I have dark humour as well. I learnt to hold this back early on because of her trauma. I do joke about things I probably shouldn’t at times, again similar to my dad. My friends are also the same but I think she felt uncomfortable around them, she never mentioned anything about it.

I think it’s easy to notice when my father is “off with the fairies” at times and I think I am also the same. I think my ex saying ‘I didn’t even give her eye contact’ at times was her noticing I’m daydreaming a bit. Little smiles and hand movements is what I also noticed at times that are similar between me and my dad. I noticed as I got older when I’d say dream I would smirk during it at times and I would see this in him too.

I put too much trust in her. My psych said I should listen to my emotions more and what I am actually feeling. For an example, when I started having thoughts of emotional abuse I didn’t open up to my psych at first because I thought I was over thinking. Where as in reality it was clear emotional abuse so I should trust how I’m feeling rather than see it as I’m overthinking.

She also agreed that I am playful however my ex could’ve brought that side out a bit more. I spoke about that balanced feeling where I am not too excited but not unsatisfied. Like you were saying I may have enjoyed the roller coaster of highs and lows because of this.

I think it is significant in someway, maybe I am drawn to girls who have unresolved issues and feel like I can be a confidante or a savior. I’m not too sure. I only really felt like this with my ex though not my other partners. I need stability though so the reuse I believe I will just be codependent again. I told her about my worries for the next few weeks and months, she said if she reaches out you will have to be firm and break the cycle of abuse. She needs real treatment and help which would take a lot of therapy etc. 18 months she said atleast. But she said don’t think about the future and if she does ever approach you work, therapy are a must and who knows maybe there’s an option to reconnect but to not even think of that possibility. Take it as it comes.

I am an anxious person but I have always dealt with it. I do get a lot of anxiety in relationships I think because of all the egg shells of walked on during them. Partners have definitely made me question my sanity and if it is really me who’s the problem, which has added to my anxiety. On top of that I obviously had a lot of anxiety with my ex about her leaving again however I couldn’t talk about this as I was holding onto the past and not fully trusting her. This was a hurdle for me in my last relationship.

Hey Tee,

Yeh I would love that. The thought of one person for the rest of my life honestly scared me a bit at first until I met this girl. I genuinely thought about marriage, kids, moving in etc.

I didn’t feel alone anymore than a normal kid would I think. I just had desires for a partner from an early age, ever since my first crush. Gaming is like my down time and relaxation. It’s also a social thing for me now as I’ve gotten older as most my friends also game. So during the relationship I obviously lost that a bit which I was fine with. But it was almost as if when things got hectic, I just wanted to game. Usually this meant alone.

I have always been a bit pedantic as well as a planner. I think I do relax and enjoy it but I also keep in the back of my mind that there is always more to achieve, however I am easily pleased and satisfied. I would say I think of the next goal but I don’t calculate how to get there straight away. So we we’re definitely different in this sense, she was unorganized and spontaneous where as I was a bit more planned and had my stuff together as well let’s say.

I think it is something I will continue to explore, I have always found it fun and peaceful. Yea she got really into it at night, I think it was mainly because she couldn’t sleep so it kept her busy. I don’t really have a similar activity, not to that extent anyway. The closest thing that I can dive into would be a game I’d say. She actually had somatic therapy once years ago and from what I gathered it was too confronting. I spoke to my psych about recommendations for her treatment. When I spoke to my ex about the options she already knew one of them and told me she went through 3 different people there and could never ‘click’ with any of them. I agree I don’t think any of that actually helps with real healing.

I guess it was I wanted to see her healed, and I knew that change had to happen to start this. I do believe change is inevitable. I got fixated on the idea of a healthy relationship and I thought her changing certain things within her life would make it healthy.
You’re right though she didn’t want to change but to be sheltered from everything and her problems just go away. I heard a quote about buffalo and cows the other day. They both sense a storm but approach it differently, the cows try run from it but get tired and the storm catches them. Buffalo run at the storm ensure it and come out the other side. Maybe this is where we are also different in how we deal with things.

No I told her I am blocking her social media as it was a trigger for me. I said she can message my number in the future but I need to heal.

I haven’t stayed friends with exes but I have stayed in contact with one. However it’s more of a comfort thing after we get out of our current relationship. I also message an ex from high school on rare occasions. The high school one in particular I was madly in love with but it wasn’t true love now I have gotten older and I look back.

She really didn’t understand my side and my feelings. Being told by your partner that you ‘treat them like sh*t’ is heartbreaking. I was almost numb to some of the stuff she said. I remember one time she told me she deserves to be with someone who actually wants her. This was all because I turned a light off before we made out. All these things add up and upsets me how I was mistreated and misunderstood. No matter what I did it was outweighed by the ‘little things’.

I think so much good will come from all this despite how much it has hurt.

One of the things that really stuck with me is how she said we are morally different. For example Her morals would be to drop everything to be there for me. Yet she wasn’t. She claimed it was bare minimum because she wants me and needs me and that I should also want to be there for her. This was said during our last and worst argument. She didn’t want to say she needed me because she knew she didn’t. However I think asking your partner for help and saying some to big a long the lines of “I know you want to stay home but I really need you here tonight” is not too much to ask for, if things like this were said and made clear I would’ve been more present I think for her

For me the bare minimum I expected was contact. She was a really bad texted etc and would obviously ghost me at times which was manipulation and controlling. I would be at work all day and I rarely got a message while she was home doing nothing. Another bare minimum for me was fighting for what you want and she never did that. The fact that it was always me fighting, writing poems, letters, offering comfort and never receiving any from her should’ve been my wake up call and it almost is now. I deserve someone who would’ve done the same for me as I did for them.

Speaking more on passion, the hard work that led to the house was obviously a big goal of mine. I think gaming has something to do with my inner child as it’s all I did as a kid. And maybe that’s why I felt lost when I couldn’t use it as an escape in the relationship as often as I would have liked. She obviously didn’t feel involved either. She felt neglected whenever I would go on the computer so majority if the relationship I didn’t when I was actually with her.

I am a landscaper by trade so I enjoy the outdoors and gardening. We did lots of terrariums and indoor planting together which was really fun to do as a couple so I will continue do so myself. She seemed very driven with her macrame, necklaces etc. she would be up until ridiculous hours just sitting there doing it. I liked that she enjoyed it and it was also an interesting passion. Maybe that’s also what I adored on top of her being childish and spontaneous. But I adored how she had a real love for her passion.

Hey Tee

Yes I would’ve been one of the main people in her life. She only had a couple friends and she compared our relationships at times. I remember her bringing up how they would spend all this time together yet the situations were different as they were actually living and had a more stable relationship, work etc.

Whenever plans fell through or a friend ditched her it was up to me to be there. After She saw friends I was to be there as well.

So respect my needs and boundaries. Maintain a degree of freedom. Don’t try rescue. Don’t allow blaming and guilt tripping. Be warned by double standards. Is that a decent summary of the lessons?

I’m not sure of this third lesson. I feel like I did accept her for who she was. I understood her trauma, mental issues and needs to the best of my ability. It was almost as though she didn’t accept me. Do you mean don’t get into a relationship with someone who isn’t healed fully. I’m not sure if she was even trying to actually heal, I think she wanted too but was actually bottling it all up.

I don’t know if I’ve actually learned these lessons yet and I’m worried I may not. Last time we split up she got very emotional 3 weeks later when she realized I was still caring. I am so tempted to show her that I still am but I think it’s just a lost cause… I don’t know why I still do and why I still would want this person even after everything we have spoken about I still feel a strong connection.

I think she did seem a bit more content and laid back. I feel like smoking does make us a lot more satisfied despite what’s going on. I was definitely a mood regulator and expected to bring her up when she was down. It was what a partner is meant to do. She would tell me sometimes things  like “your meant to bring me up not push me down”.

Right as I moved out she told her parents she was going to move out with me but we hadn’t even spoken about it. I told her look at first I would like time to settle in but she will be over majority of the time and staying with me just not actually living there. As she didn’t have work and I wanted to settle in.
So when I did move out and had a free house it was like nothing changed and she wasn’t actually there any more then she was when I was at home. Arguably she started spending more time at home. She had lots of trouble sleeping and she hated sleeping at my place because she would be up until early in the morning then sleep in. Where as I would fall asleep straight away and leave for work early.
Im not sure of the point I’m trying to make it was more just a realization that she may have been the one that couldn’t have actually spent all her time with me.

I think quitting her medication played a huge role. In saying that she left me many times before she started tapering off her anti depressant medication. It just felt as though it got more chaotic and colder whenever we split up once she started reducing.

I admire those things a lot and do feel like sometimes I am not spontaneous in particular. It is a little bit dull I don’t get really excited about much at all, especially right now. I was happy before I met her. Working, seeing friends, playing video games and keeping healthy and fit. Simple but balanced. I thought it was time for a partner and I feel like I’m ready. I thought she was the one but I was fooled.

It does resonate. I think I look for childishness and spontaneity in a partner as it it something I feel I lack when I’m single and alone.

I feel as though I am taking steps in the right direction most of the time. I am thinking about it a lot still but it’s not all fantasizing. I think I am finding it difficult with attachment because as an individual she definitely had certain things I liked in terms of a partner. But the mental instability and unresolved trauma was obviously the parts I didn’t like but couldn’t take away.

The other things making it difficult is knowing I actually did try everything. I changed a lot, I wrote letter, poems, supported her, did things she liked, reasoned with her and put lots of effort in. I am also proud of this just knowing how much I can do for someone is a good feeling. It’s also nice knowing that’s how I am as a person.

Lastly it just feels bad realizing that she didn’t love me the same way I did to her. But that’s okay because I know I will receive the same love one day.

I have been writing down a lot of the bad things and it should’ve been such a red flag as to how fragile and insecure she was. I remember one time I picked a movie that was about child abuse in a church. She freaked out straight away and asked me if that’s what I’m into and why I would be interested in a movie like that. So she was basically accusing me of being a pedophile or atleast had thoughts of it because I chose a movie based on the topic. I figured it was all just related to her trauma. But looking back now I see how sensitive she was.

Anyway I just thought I would post again to get some stuff off my chest. I’m writing down goals in my notes and I have a good list so far!