Hey Tee,

She actually agreed to therapy so I will let her do it off her own back. If I don’t see her taking action on it though, I will push her a bit to go there. I told her its for her own good and also my own peace of mind. She is meditating a little bit for her own well-being, in the past she has mentioned it’s the only thing that has actually helped her. So I will convince her too keep meditating.

It’s been very confusing she said she does want to get back with me but doesn’t want me to be in the middle of her own issues for the next 5-6 months. This is how long she thinks it will take to taper off her medication. I offered my support regardless.

I am going to talk about it tonight with my psychologist. The feeling of being rejected and abandoned. I wouldn’t know where too start with this but I am happy to talk about it. I don’t think there is a specific example from my childhood where I felt really rejected and that’s what caused it. Maybe more just feeling like a didn’t fit in when I was younger and that caused it?

It has been intense. She has opened up to me and been very heart felt and apologetic. We are currently talking and seeing how things go. I am definitely a lot more vigilant. She knows she has to gain my trust again on top of break my walls down. It’s a hard feeling to describe because I do want to give her my all but I know right now we can’t be perfect/healthy. I am giving her my encouragement and support still but I have made it obvious that she needs to do the hard work and face it all herself.

Hey Tee,

I handled the conversation very well and maturely if I do say so myself. After talking for about a day back and forth I realized that it’s the exact same as when we were in a relationship. Nothing changed. She went silent on me for nearly 3 weeks then reaches out with nothing but confusion in what she wants.

She really did take me for granted not just as a partner, but in general. I think me stopping talking to her will really make her think about all of this and I hope it encourages her to better herself. I was so accepting of her own issues and I honestly don’t think many people would be. I feel like most people would’ve stopped the pursuit a lot earlier than I did. I’m very persistent and she will come to appreciate the fact that I wanted to stay around and offer my help.

I think her saying she can’t give me what I want, was her talking about a relationship or being in each others lives. But maybe it was about healing herself. I think she was unintentionally manipulating me and she knew I would always come running back to her and she knew she wouldn’t have to do anything. Her dissociation was definitely playing a huge role in the relationship as well. She said she didn’t want to open up to me out of fear that she would hurt me? I told her it would be the opposite and I would’ve been grateful if she opened up to me. She is so backwards it seems and very inconsiderate. Saying one thing then doing the other. I was using her own words that she said but then completely go back on it, like she saw I was agreeing with her that we should move on, yet she didn’t like it? It was too confusing.

I told her she can always reach out to me and that I am always open to it. I think she eventually will again and I know I am will be in a much better place then. Who knows maybe I don’t even bother replying to her at that point, I do think I will always have a soft spot and feelings for her in the end.

I think she knows that regarding the friends, I knew it wouldn’t work deep down. Ideally I just wanted contact every few weeks at least to check up on her. Who knows maybe she will reach out to me in a few weeks to see how I am but I know now I need to completely leave her alone as her issues are not mine anymore.

No nothing good will come out of this situation right now. I am feeling a lot better about everything now but I am still obviously shook up. I am looking forward to what the future has in store most of all.

Hey Tee,

My relationship with Mum was never negative. I use to feel like she didn’t love me at times when I was younger but it was like you said, I didn’t want to disappoint her and she was only wanting the best for me. Nowadays our relationship is great but it was never really bad or toxic.

I don’t remember trying to save people when I was younger, it could be I was trying to save myself through intimate partners? It did make me feel good knowing I have someone close in that sense.

She needed up messaging me. She said things along the lines of.
The fact that when I feel like that my thoughts are so fast and irrational my body can’t keep up with it. The fact that I’ll blame someone else and end up hurting them for no reason just because I let it out.
She says she feels too messed up that why would anyone want to be close by when she can try keep the peace by doing it herself. Conflicting thoughts again.
Talking about her own issues and she doesn’t want to do damage to others. She obviously cares for me but is she trying to make me pity her? I’m not sure. She does want me in her life and told me that talking to me matters a lot to her which is confusing. She is also confused.

Yes this girl was never too much for me despite all her issues. Where as the others I wanted to get away from and didn’t really feel like helping. I was new to relationships and I think I wasn’t mature enough about them myself. So I saw it as too much and that we weren’t compatible.

Hey Tee,

I genuinely mean you’ve helped me a lot. You don’t have to answer but do you have a background in mental health study?

I think you are spot on there. I do feel completely rejected as a person, maybe that’s what leads me to thinking some of these negative thoughts about my own character despite knowing I am caring and loving deep down. I am definitely feeling different about things today and I’m not under the illusion of I could’ve done things differently as much anymore, I pull myself up on it whenever I have that thought. Her trauma and mental health is the reason too why she left in my eyes. I think everyone agrees.

I know I wasn’t bad to her, as you and Peggy said I was a loving and caring partner. I don’t believe someone would be more worthy than me but maybe more compatible? Who knows, I think in her eyes someone else out there is but that’s probably her own illusion. If she does find someone else the same thing will happen, she will view everything through her lens of trauma as you said. Maybe not at first but eventually.

Maybe I am blaming myself a bit but it doesn’t feel like I am. However, I do know that I didn’t deserve it. I deserved someone who would stick by me and let me in too support them, even as a friend. I am doing my best to cleanse myself of these “what ifs”.

Glad that I am not crazy by doing that behavior. Both you and my psych reassured me that now. Being the abandoned party sucks but I will grow so much from this experience. Whoever it is in the future I will be a lot more vigilant and hesitant, not saying I will completely put my walls up. I think they will go down eventually as I tend to let people in very easily, I’m an honest open person.

I think the most difficult thing for me right now is because she is away, I am still in limbo. She may not know she received a letter and poem, unless her sister who was home when I dropped it off has told her. So its almost like I’m eagerly anticipating that she will get home and read the poem and reach out to me in someway. A part of me really hopes she does but a part of me also thinks maybe it’s best she doesn’t. Either way I’m trying to move on because I understand she may be cold about it and not message me and I know I need to let go for now, I cant wait around. I believe for now she doesn’t see it working but I can only assume.

I think you’re points are fantastic, I think I am being harsh on myself and not kind enough. Not necessarily blaming me and feeling guilty for what happened.

Thanks again Tee!

Hey Tee

Just letting you know you’ve been really helpful. I have a lot of support outside of here but just thought I’d let you know that you have given me a great deal of support yourself and it’s a blessing.

I think that’s what has made it more difficult for me. My desire to help others has just been thrown away. Even after everything she’s put me through which I know I deserve a lot better, I still can’t resist the urge to want to help her. I guess it says a lot about my character. I just wish she would’ve allowed me in for support. Who knows maybe she still will, for now I’m stuck in limbo.

I honestly do believe it is my fault a bit because I failed to get her the proper help she needs, maybe my persistence was too much for her. I know there isn’t anything wrong with me yet I do ponder of the what ifs. What could I have done differently etc. But I know I gave my all in the end it’s just a kick in gut when she didn’t want to better herself and make the changes. It’s hurts to hear she doesn’t feel safe in the relationship. I worry about the future for this reason, what if the next person she changes for? What if she feels comfortable getting the help she needs and works on herself for them and for her? I would be upset if that’s the case.

She said that the leaving and running away was a trauma response so it makes sense. So she was even aware of it herself which is so frustrating considering she didn’t want to realise that and change and justified leaving me with other reasons. I really do feel like she has tried to make me feel pity on top of manipulating me even if that was unintentional.

You’re right no one knows what she is thinking, not even she does. I know she would be in a bad place though deep down. I don’t know what will happen but I feel like now the more we drift apart the more she tells herself it was me that was making her feel what she felt.

Time is all I can give but I don’t think this girl was any good for me as that is what everyone is telling. From the outside it’s easier to see but the facts are all there. Why else would she be on a dating app? I am obviously heart broken and think I will be left with real abandonment issues after this. It wasn’t fair on me at all, she dragged me through the mud. A friend had a good perception that I may be picturing her highs as very high because her lows were very low, do you think this could be the case?

Hi Tee,

It is a harsh reality that at the end of the day this is her and what I envisioned she would be is a fantasy. Still I haven’t given up hope and I am struggling to process everything that’s happened, if she was genuine at the end of the day she will want to reconnect when she is thinking rationally. Over time the good memories will be more present than the bad ones (for me there wasn’t too many besides her rubber banding) and I think the feelings will return too. I am trying to not prepare for the situation too much because I don’t want to get too excited as it may not even happen.

I’m not sure why I get attached like this but I don’t think its from my childhood. Maybe I need to speak to my psych about it. I’m devastated, I’m pretty sure she is talking to someone she met on the dating app if my detective work is right, I have my suspicions due to social media. It really hurts that she would do me like that if it is the case. But if so I know eventually I will be stronger and she will be in the same cycle for a long time. Have I been lied to about everything she said? She left me in the dark and it is gut wrenching if she has already moved on.

If I do hear from her I will definitely post her reply here for advice.

Hey Peggy

Her trauma definitely seems like it left a massive scar on her as I believe her being prescribed to medication came from that. I’m not totally sure but they definitely both came around the same time as she was prescribed when she was 17 and the trauma happened at about the same time. It’s good to know that if it ever comes to a point where she wants to reconnect under certain conditions then there is therapy available that is effective.

I am seeing a psych for my anxiety. Girls are definitely my biggest killer as I tend to get attached and obsessive which is what I will be looking at next with my psych. My first issue was the weed smoking but now I have good control over that and I’m happy where I am with that. My psych has mentioned breathing techniques, I should practice these more. I have been trying to ground myself but not sure if it’s helping as much.

Grief is difficult and you’re right there isn’t a logical explanation to me. It’s all full on confusion as she probably doesn’t understand why she had to actually do it either. I will try accept the situation as best as possible. Either way I will learn in the end and grow immensely from this experience regardless of the outcome between us too. I’m trying to remind myself this everyday and not focus my well being on her too much as I may end up getting burnt again.
thanks for your reply!

I still have high hopes for her. I think she will get back to me once she reads my letter and poem. If she doesn’t then I will have my answer and I wont continue to chase someone that is running away. I don’t think ill mention to her about being disrespected and her doing that is wrong in my eyes, it will just push her away even more and make me look too attached, emotional and that I am struggling without her. I will simply leave her with the letter and poem as my final words. I think this would leave a better memory for her and cause less resent. But if she doesn’t want my help even as a friend then there isn’t anything I can do besides better myself. Maybe one day she reaches out but I won’t jump to conclusions just yet. Do you think this is wise? I will obviously be coming back here once I know she has 100% received my letter and let you know what her response was if I do get one.

She almost did seem like she had dual personalities at times. One that was so bubbly and comforting but on the odd occasion she would completely shut off or turned on me. She was jobless most this year, I remember about a week before we split I encouraged her to find work. She told me ‘don’t tell me what to do, I know I need too’.  I told her I know you’re having a bad day and I’m only trying to help. She told me ‘I can help myself, talk later’. (This is all over text). Later that day she apologized and said ‘I know your only trying to help. let me know when you’re free’. I went over and she mentioned she had feelings of leaving again, however she didn’t leave so I congratulated her for beating that feeling. In this moment she was happy. However the very next day she messaged again saying she was feeling flat, I told her you should be proud of yourself, you’re doing great, you can come over too mine anytime! She replied ‘I want to stay at home and I know you rather be alone at your place, you said you’d be there for me not just because I ask but because you want too’. I told her she was putting it back onto me and she didn’t like that so there was a tiny misunderstanding. We both agreed we weren’t looking for a fight, I ended up going over to hers. She apologized sorry for taking it out on me and admitted she was. She also mentioned it may be her insecurity and she just needs reassurance. So it did seem like a dual personality just from this situation I mentioned over a two day period.

she had demons in her, I briefly remember her also texting me one time saying she dissociated and ended up about 20 minutes from home with no recollection. She also mentioned she would go completely black at times like she lost vision. I told her I am worried but she should’ve gotten proper help for it herself. Are symptoms like this related to any specific cause? I do genuinely care for her and want whats best for her.

It definitely helps a lot it does seem like her head would say one thing and her heart the other. She was torn between what she wanted and what she thought she needed by the sound of it. The wounded part did win, I think it was just survival for her at the end of the day and it made her feel safe at the time and she couldn’t process rational thoughts. This is what gives me hope that she will eventually come to realize I was good and loving and only wanted to help but for now I will try not dwell on the future as right now she may be really wanting to find her own path and start a new journey. I worry for people she may hurt in the future.

Thanks Tee, you have been great