Hey Tee,

It’s starting to feel good. I’m still up and down but this whole week I’ve felt mostly up. I think now it’s been a month I’ve learnt to accept it and also the thought of if she will reach out has faded a lot.

I don’t think you are blaming or judging me, everyone I’ve spoken to understands that it’s hard for me considering I was manipulated and controlled. I am learning to detach I think I’ve realised it was my inner child who was attracted to certain things about her. My inner child really did want this if that’s the case.

Yeh when we last got back together she basically said it’s up to me if I want to stick around for her ‘6 or so month healing process’ so basically until she was off her medication. I told her I’m here all the way, we spoke about therapy once she has an income but she didn’t get a job despite getting numerous offers.

I would say she didn’t want to accept the toll it took on me and I also didn’t want to tell her either. However she did say to me that she knows she is a lot to handle. An example of holding onto the past was when I told her that I have walls and a guard up because of the last break ups and she has to gain my trust again. She basically said I shouldn’t hold onto what’s happened in the past as now is all that matters to her. She wanted me to blindly trust her.

I think it will just be a personal achievement as I don’t know if it relates to me being a good partner but more the idea of it being a good relationship because we reached a milestone.

I do see why I fought now and I understand a lot more; my mind is starting to get clearer.

I think it’s very ironic. I am genuinely an easy to please person. A lot of people and not just my partners have said this to me and I’ve come to realise majority of them are not actually easily pleased.

I do jump into relationships quickly now I think of it. This one in particular was an unexpected one. I think I am so attached to how it all started which made it a bit harder. It was very spontaneous and natural and that’s what I wanted from meeting someone new and I think that’s what I miss and I try hold onto.

I will still try post here but I have been feeling a lot better this week so I’m looking forward to seeing how I feel this weekend.

Thanks again!

<p class=”p1″>Hey Tee</p>
<p class=”p1″>Thanks for the reply! </p>
<p class=”p1″>I had a very rough weekend but it was also productive! I hope yours was good 🙂</p>
<p class=”p1″>In saying that I am feeling a bit different today. It’s been the best Monday I’ve had in months now I think of it. </p>
<p class=”p1″>I thought I did accept her for how she was? I understood she was a lot to handle and yes I wanted her to change how she felt about herself thinking it would make our relationship healthy. I figured what I suggested were all healthy paths for change and healing. </p>
<p class=”p1″>That was the exact reason she left work. Well the main one atleast. She didn’t want to be withdrawing or take time off while working from what she told me. It also seemed like she was very picky and particular with the work she wanted to do. Similar to the relationship she left her few jobs she had when I knew her very quickly over nothing too major.
</p>
<p class=”p1″>I do feel like I have a low self esteem at times then. When I opened up about my anxiety she usually was understanding however now I think of it whenever my anxiety was related to her she wasn’t so much. Like when she told me I should trust her and not go hold onto the past. </p>
<p class=”p1″>I know I’m not perfect but looking back I was trying everything to achieve that. She was toxic in everyone’s book except her own I think. </p>
<p class=”p1″>What your saying is making a lot of sense I felt guilty asking for my own time and it’s reassuring I was only wanting my own time to protect myself. Again it was a lose lose situation for me. </p>
<p class=”p1″>What you said here – “Your entire struggle is that you are attracted to girls who are difficult to please, but whom you want to please, so you can feel good about yourself. So that you can feel worthy of love. That’s I believe”</p>
<p class=”p1″>This really hit hard for me when I first read it. I think it makes a lot of sense as to why I’d be attracted to this in my head. I do feel like I have something to prove at times. For example at the moment I want to prove to myself that I can have a partner for 12 months. I just look forward to those anniversaries I think. </p>
<p class=”p1″>She was very unstable and fragile. Almost anything would set her off at times. A movie I picked, turning off a light, not giving a piggy back. These ‘little things’ are what she saw as my imperfect love and I think she just didn’t feel the love I was giving due to her mental state and past trauma. </p>
<p class=”p1″>I know I’m worthy of love but I think it’s more that I haven’t really felt it from a partner. I just feel like I’m the ‘nice guy’ sometimes who they loved but not how they want. </p>
<p class=”p1″>Yes it was about 6 months in when I started writing letters, this was when the break ups were getting worse. I think this was the fourth time. I have exactly what I wrote if you’d like to know some details. I said things like ‘change is just around the corner, these difficult times are what builds strong relationships’. I said a bunch of other things too. I really poured my heart out to her numerous times that’s what makes it hurt a bit more. </p>
<p class=”p1″>I realise I shouldn’t have fought but I genuinely couldn’t help myself. I am a big believer on just going all the way but I can see how it may be a turn off. I just have to do certain things otherwise I will regret it. I found out the hard way though. </p>
<p class=”p1″>I think I did look for validation in this girl. It makes a lot of sense, I was only getting a crumbs but they made me happy at times. She really didn’t put much effort in towards the end either. </p>
<p class=”p1″>I look back and remember the feeling I had when I first met her etc and it was great. It reminds me of a high and it felt like we kept on having that after break ups. It was the cycle of abuse. </p>
<p class=”p1″>Speaking on when we first met I remember it was so spontaneous, no planned dates we just hung out and instantly hit it off, there was obviously chemistry and attraction. I think I was chasing that feeling of love especially here by chasing a carefree girl. I remember how much more effort she put in and how much happier she seemed when working and on medication. </p>
<p class=”p1″>So until I have healed the core wound a relationship isn’t a good idea? Does that mean this wasn’t a good idea in the first place for me? I felt she was the main issue in the relationship was I a cause of the problems too then?</p>
<p class=”p1″>I am focusing on myself as I said in the beginning I feel quite good today. Working out and doing daily duties but still smoking only a lot less. It’s the first real day where i had a moment of feeling amazing knowing I don’t actually need her and I accepted what happened and told myself I didn’t even want to go back to her. </p>
<p class=”p1″>I will speak to my psych about my need to prove that I’m worthy of love.</p>
<p class=”p1″>Thanks again Tee I’d also love to get to the root of the problem. </p>
<p class=”p2″></p>

Hey Tee,

I think this ‘vow’ came because I genuinely thought we were inseparable and that we were meant to be together. I always understood relationships are hard work and never perfect. If I didn’t stick around when my partner treated me bad nothing would’ve changed. I honestly believe it would’ve been another example of me not loving or caring to her. I think if I was the one to not stick around and move on id be regretting it now, I needed to see it through especially after my other break ups I didn’t really fight or see things through at first. But it would show them that I wouldn’t put up with their shit, although I wanted to show my ex that I will always be there. I get in my head that she didn’t actually mean it. She always spoke about how she feels like she just does things and she cant control it, I think all the conflicted thoughts she had makes it harder for me to let go of the attachment. It wasn’t like she said ‘I love someone else’ or anything. There was always a follow up apology followed by a connection and I think that is still what I am hoping for and I am trying to accept that I may not get that ontop of it not being healthy at the moment.

I remember asking myself am I really a shit boyfriend? I was so conflicted in thought and wasn’t sure if it was abuse or I was overthinking. I knew I was being distant and I was kicking myself a bit for that. It was very hard for me to process at the time. But I knew something was up during our last argument. She just seemed so critical of me and everything I did. I am really struggling not too reach out to her at the moment. I feel such strong feelings today, yesterday I was telling myself I am doing well and I have a good routine going and I just have to move on. However today I just can’t help but think of the what ifs.

I think I could be attracted to the protector role. All my relationships have had similarities when it comes my exes criticism of me. My exes all brought up gaming, smoking and affection. I wouldn’t say I feel unworthy if my partner isn’t pleased with me but I do feel like I failed to some degree. However I don’t think my first 2 partners were impossible to please, I do think it just wasn’t the right time for me and I wasn’t sure if it was actually what I wanted. This time I knew what I wanted and thats why I fought so hard. I would say my most recent ex was basically impossible to please and it was so disheartening and it still is. I know for a fact that I did make her happy but I think as time went on she got more depressed and lost which led to me being unhappy as well. Leading to more unhappiness within her.

I hate saying this but I do feel like I’m attracted to ‘damaged goods’ of some sorts. I wanted to help my ex through all her issues so when she came out the other side she would see I am still there despite all the crap we went through. I’ll admit I wanted to be the one to help so she could look back and see how I was always there and in turn be able to love me even more. I wanted that unbreakable bond and I genuinely thought going through stuff like this would create that. But maybe that’s just what creates toxic relationships and not real love.

How can this all be fixed? I do resonate with parts of it. I really enjoy having a partner and building a relationship with someone. I am quick to get that destined and attached feeling, this time it was like no other I’ve ever had and it was a great feeling at first. I think I chase that feeling sometimes. Going back to that rollercoaster of emotions, I think I do enjoy the highs and lows of a relationship because I do feel quite steady and dull when I’m alone.

Its weird though because now I am alone I feel like I am in a better routine and more motivated when I actually think about it. I am working out, cleaning, cooking, walking the dog doing all these things until 7pm or so. I am actually smoking less at the moment compared to when we were together the last couple weeks. When we were together I was less motivated to do these things like work out, cut down smoking etc. and I think it was because I wasn’t getting my own time. Instead I would game and smoke until 7pm then go see her a lot of the time, neglecting my house duties. However towards the end I would make excuses as to what I was actually doing and why I couldn’t come over. I was scared of telling her the truth and afraid of being abused for it.

I was going to ask for some help if she does ever reach out. I have heard that its good to plan a message. My psych told me to say something a long the lines of “as much as I want a connection right now we both know what we need to do”. However I feel like we had this discussion last time and we eventually met up and then rekindled disregarding what we both needed to do. I’m torn between wanting to reach out to her, her reaching out to me and also the possibility of her not ever reaching out. I am trying my best to stay rational about all of this.

Hey Tee,

It is a selfish attitude but I also can’t blame her for being selfish. I do believe she had her and maybe even our best interest in mind. Part of me thinks she knew I was unhappy and she could see that I wasn’t going to leave but I would always fight. But you’re right her attitude was selfish and she wasn’t very thoughtful of how I would feel. Imagine I told her ‘you treat me like shit’ that would really hurt her and I think she knew what she said hurt me at times. I honestly think she purposefully said some things and left because she knew it would hurt me and get me to fight. She always went to the extreme to get that reaction from me though. Yes the last week I really felt so lost in the relationship but I knew I would find myself again and things would be good between us. A rough patch is what I thought it was, however it occurred quite a bit and it was all instigated by her not feeling wanted or loved. I always felt happy and loved until she left. I think that’s why I felt so alone, because she already left me before she broke up with me. She said herself that she took it out on me and processed the whole break up before it happened. I do have a deep desire to please people especially partners once they mention they are unhappy.

The first relationship was when I got out of prison. Honestly I think it could have to do with just being my first real relationship. Also I felt bad about how it ended after all those months. I find her very attractive to this day, more so than other exes. So maybe the attachment is there because of my attraction to her as well.

I do want to get that validation and love from her it sucks… I wouldn’t say I’m unloveable or not worthy. I know deep down I am a steal and most girls would be very lucky to have me, I say that humbly. I just know I can support, love and bring joy to people especially a partner.

I am trying to be a good parent to my inner child, only I am getting caught in the bad habits. I unblocked her the other day to look at her profiles etc. I also did a detour past her house the other day as she lives around the corner. Again it’s like I’m looking for a reason to move on. It’s like I need to see that she’s moved on before I can. I would hate that if in the future she reached out and hadn’t moved on but I had. However you can argue that it’s worse if the roles are real versed and I haven’t moved on because I have been waiting to see if she has. It’s like I’m torn between different sides.

It does feel as though my rational side is being taken over by my emotional side a lot of the time. So my emotional side is my inner child basically?

I am just so caught up on this feeling. I’m so stuck in the idea that this is what the universe really wanted as well as both of us. I’ve heard the saying ‘if it will be then it will be’ and I genuinely think it will be for some reason, it’s that destined feeling. I can’t help but think we will reconnect and I don’t want that feeling. I do want to just put this too rest so I can focus on myself (I’m getting better at doing this) but I only want to focus on myself for the possibility of rekindling.

I have been telling myself everyday I actually need to move on and forget. I’ve been almost angry at myself for allowing myself to be fooled again as well as disrespected. Maybe I should be kinder and just accept that it happened and take it easier rather than shouting at myself. It’s like I’m trying to be my own rational thought and force the idea of moving on and letting go. Maybe I’m going about it wrong?

Hey Tee

Your summary about it was good. It really felt that way, like if I say or do anything to unsettle her a bit then I wasn’t being a good partner to her. I think she didn’t like being told at all, she say me as condescending at times. Like I was talking down to her, this is where the similarities with her father came from I think.

I won’t go into too much but I went to prison a few years ago when I was about 21-22. It wasn’t for long but it wasn’t fun either. When people go on about ‘what I’ve been through’ I think this is what they mean. However it’s something I don’t even think about anymore. I honestly forget it happened sometimes.

I think I believed a lot about what she said. After our last fight I went outside to get some fresh air and I remember crying telling myself I’m a shit boyfriend and I should be doing better. She made me feel inadequate. After sometime I went back inside and she had no idea I was upset. She was already upset and I had to offer my comfort without showing how I was feeling. That’s how I felt at the time. I think I’m realizing now it was unjust accusations however I still feel like I lack in some departments from being told I am so often, but no one is perfect.

You could be onto something there, maybe I do have a low self esteem. Back in March I really wanted to help because I could see she was in a bad spot, this time she didn’t show it as much. She seemed more bitter and resentful but I still want to help. You’re right I do feel rejected as a person not just a partner. The fact that I couldn’t even get broken up with in person after nearly a year is difficult. I know what I deserve though and it’s a lot better than what I got. I need to treat myself with that love though because I never really got it from her.

It may have to do with proving my worth to her but I don’t think it does. I showed I’m not insensitive and I care. I made that very obvious, if she can’t see that then it’s her own issue that she needs to adjust, because she has unrealistic expectations from a partner otherwise. I spoke with my Mother about if I’m missing her or missing a partner. And I think I am genuinely missing her. After other break ups I missed the company of a partner but this time I actually miss this girl and I think it was my first true feeling of love. But in reality it wasn’t love.
It could definitely relate to why I don’t want to give up though. I feel like I don’t want to give up because I just have this gut feeling, that destined feeling still. I think because we have gotten back together in the past so much I convince myself that it will happen again. I want her to reach out to me still despite everything that’s happened. However I also tell myself that I hope she doesn’t because I know if it’s too soon I’m not going to actually hear what I want from her and she most likely hasn’t changed. I am telling myself everyday that I really need to just let go. It’s making it difficult because she lives so close by and we did so many different things together that a lot of stuff reminds me of her and our time together. I drove past her place the other day when I was shopping, I almost wanted to see a new car there, like a new guys. It’s almost as if I want her to give me another reason to move on, but hasn’t she given me enough already?

Hey Tee,

Thanks for your replies you’ve been a big help for me!

I understand the divide a bit more now. What you said about her seeing it more clearly. She definitely would be as she processed the break up before it happened. I think what I wanted for her was the same however the way I thought she should go about it was far different from the way she wanted to. Maybe to her I was someone who was getting in the way of how she wanted to heal.  She did say she didn’t ‘need me’. It was always to do with healing in the past break ups but this time she actually told me what the deal breaker was. And after you explaining it I understand more.

I may suffer from a low self esteem. My mother, best friend and even my ex all said I am too hard on myself and I should be proud of my achievements and where I’m at after everything I’ve been through. I know I am hard on myself, I’m the first person to always admit fault and judge myself. I feel like I can’t switch it off at times but deep down I do love me. I think at the moment my self esteem is low and I’m depressed but in general I’m not. I am confident and comfortable in my own skin, I always told my ex this and I wanted her to have that feeling. I day dream a lot about games too not just fame. Sometimes they are about a movie I saw. I smoke to soothe at times yes and I think it what I’m doing at the moment. I plan on trying to cut down and stop. Last time we split I wasn’t smoking but it’s the same feeling only I get more distracted by smoking.

I have been talking to myself a lot recently, I am trying to get into the habit of recognizing what the relationship really was. It’s still up and down,  work is hard and I can’t stop thinking about it at times. The urge to reach out is still there as well. I hope it ends soon enough.

Hey Tee,

Yeh I guess you could say its like being famous. I enjoy dreaming about possibilities of other lives etc but in the end im happy with myself still.

It really did feel like that at first, like she knew I was there and would be supportive. However as time went on it was like she was not receiving the support she thought she deserved even though I was there a lot. She wanted it to be only me and her and no one else. I did want the same but I needed independence as well. My own time.

Was there a really big divide from what I have told you? I do understand there were differences but I didnt see it as a deal breaker similar to her. Ofcourse I am going to have some expectations when nothing changes after nearly 12 months.

It definitely does sound possible. I wanted her by my side to grow as a couple and build the foundations of something strong, that was what i always told her. I know relationships are hard work and are never really perfect, I just wanted someone who will stick by my side during the tough times and when we may not agree on certain things. This was too much of an expectation though obviously.

I thought I would add to my last post.  The first 2 serious relationships of mine seemed a lot more positive now I look back on them but I didn’t feel like they were my type, not as laid back. However my first girlfriend has stuck with me throughout the years in thoughts etc. the psych told me it’s normal to think of exes even if it’s more than you’d like when in a relationship. However I thought about her more as time went on with my ex, maybe it has to do with how bad things were getting and a part of me was missing someone who treated me better and was more reasonable and rational.

I went to high school with this girl but we dated years later, being my first girlfriend also maybe it is why certain things she said stuck with me. The main thing being what I said on an earlier post – “I should’ve fought earlier” so now I feel like I always fight straight away. Strike while the irons hot is what I believe. Although I do push it too far and probably don’t give exes enough space after break ups.

Another thing that really stuck with me is how I broke up with my first girlfriend and I’m not sure if it has any significance. Basically she was also withdrawing off her medication and was in a bad spot as well, however I was smoking and doing other drugs at the time so my head was very clouded and foggy. I didn’t understand she would need help and I wasn’t fully in the relationship mentally from my memory. So my first break up was during my partners withdrawals too. Anyway the night it happened she called me crying saying come over and I said okay I can, however she said don’t come if you’ve smoked. I had finished work and already was stoned by that point. After a little argument she left me. What was so confusing for me though was when we spoke again after no contact she said something to me along the lines of “I know I said don’t come if you smoked but you should’ve just come anyway, I called you crying asking for help!”.

As I said I’m not sure if any of this means much but it was just a few things that have always lingered on my mind throughout relationships especially. Now I think of it a lot of these relationships with my exes have similarities.