Hey Tee

When I first met her I wasn’t actually smoking and she was. However I soon followed her habits. I think she did feel guilty about this earlier on in the relationship. I think my smoking was maybe once or twice the reason for her leaving but besides that it always seemed like a different reason just never anything concrete to me.
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Im not sure of the actual reason she got triggered. I think it was me pointing out that she has certain things she does when upset. Like the rolling over and bottling everything up.  She told me she left because she keeps having feelings or leaving and just didn’t see it working out and she needs time and space for heal on her own. That’s why im so shocked she in already on a dating app. seemed like a bit of a cop out to me.

No the choke happened once and never again. We didn’t have our differences about the future at all that’s what is so confusing to me. We were both on the same page when talking about kids marriage etc we both knew we wanted it one day.</p>
My anxiety probably did make it harder for her as when I was needing her she wasn’t there for me, similar to now even though I would be willing to be there for her even as support.

Once I stopped smoking I felt great I was more vigilant and just energetic always laughing with her etc. it was a good change for me and the relationship it just wasn’t the real problem deep down.

Yeh I probably wasn’t very considerate during my first couple relationships. They would definitely frustrate me a lot with their own problems which is harsh to say. However this girl was different as I actually want to help her and be there for her.

I am glad overall I cut down smoking but I just feel abandoned and disrespected now. I feel like I was lied to and she wasn’t honest or open with me at all.

I think she could have been gaslighting me a little bit by saying what i wanted to hear. I just know she was so confused but again it did feel real. She did say she felt i mistreated her at times but again she would always take it back and apologize once things had calmed down. “You dont mistreat me, Im sorry for saying that I know you treat me well” things along those lines she would say. She did say she felt like she was too much for me at times and would want space, there were also times she said i needed space but that isn’t her call to make. However once she was grounded again she would always reassure me that everything was okay and she was overthinking etc.

I think she felt as if she shouldn’t have to be constantly reassured… but she honestly did because most the time it was the small things that triggered her, she couldn’t look at the bigger picture in life. Such as work, family, exercise and passion. The innocent comments or actions is generally what triggered her too feel unloved I think. These were always minor as I mentioned earlier, and always resolved. I can understand the triggering during sex may have genuinely affected her and might have made her rethink if I was the right person. She knew she was sensitive but and would probably put all that back onto me. This could be why she felt like a burden deep down too.

Okay ill try keep this short but there were 5 splits in 9 months! The first 3 were quite minor and we would be back together same day maybe two days maximum. When we first met we were both smoking weed, I think she said something like we were on different paths etc. and that is why she broke up with me. Maybe because I had trouble quitting at first and she was doing much better reducing her usage. I eventually made the change later on, we will come back to this in a moment. I do remember one time we were play fighting and I put my arm around her neck from behind although I honestly didn’t think I choked her like that. Next day she was very upset and broke off again and said I told you do never do that as it was the one thing she didn’t want. I explained it was an accident and we moved on, I said my apology and that it would never happen again. She did mention from memory once that she felt like her body was rejecting me which was odd. The fourth time was bad it was just after New Year and again I fell into my trap of smoking weed again, it was holidays so I found it harder. She said I had become distant etc. She said she had to Love and Leave me.

After many texts and silence about 4 days later we got back together and I said I am not smoking daily anymore because I realized it pushed her away. Looking back I wish I was more careful and thoughtful about my own conditions. I asked her to provide me with security and honesty in the relationship. So I quit smoking daily. I made the changes and I only smoke on the odd occasion ever since. I’m not sure if my smoking was a genuine reason for her breaking up with me in the past because now I wasn’t reliant on it and she was happy for me as she always said. However in the end she still left me for the fifth time.

No i was quite open about my feelings with her, told her about work, psych appointments, anxiety I was feeling at times. There was one time she wasn’t there for me when i was so anxious and thought she would leave again but she apologized and said she just couldn’t talk sometimes, so I would get left in the dark. It was many hours later she said this. I think i get that feeling of being unwanted as I have recently jumped into relationships, maybe a few months after each break up. But this one felt so real to me, so genuine and loving.

I think it was toxic just how we broke up so much, not the actual relationship. One thing I said to her is this is how you grow together and build the foundations of great companionship, working through the tough times and reconciling. To me there is always resolve or a solution and if you both are on the same page you continue to work towards bettering each other.

By putting in all the work I think she just meant that she was more emotionally invested and attached. I was very attached, I would explain to her I can be a bit oblivious and spacey in general, not that I was feeling down. Usually I am always smiling so she would notice when I wasn’t and ask what’s wrong and I would reply with nothing as i generally felt okay. There was only maybe two occasions where I was actually down and I eventually picked up on it myself and opened up. Nothing major in the end, just a typical rainy day.

So I have never broken up with a girl. My ex actually told me she had never been dumped either, always her doing the dumping, maybe its a control thing for her. My past break ups were me not actually being fully invested or ready for it in the end. I didn’t know what I wanted and I didn’t think they were the right girls for me. They were nice enough but my well-being was dragging me down as I did feel like I was stepping on eggshells with them. They were not as laid back. I was smoking full time during them and it was a problem but I couldn’t stop. That is why I changed my habits over time with this girl because I knew I actually wanted her. When I first met her I wasn’t smoking, she actually got me back into it again.

I think in the end I wanted to go back because I wanted to give it a proper shot at the time. But now I think I was just slone and missing having someone. However I do feel different with this girl. I really do feel a lot of love for her and it is gut wrenching whats happened. All my friends are saying what she did deserves an explanation and you deserve an apology. I haven’t heard back from her yet, I don’t think she has received my poem or letter. When she does if I don’t get a reply genuine heartfelt reply explaining what she did within a few days to a week I will be sending her a quick message just saying I feel a bit disrespected and that she wasn’t honest, due to the dating app. But ill wait to see if I hear from her.

Hey Tee

maybe that was the reason she felt like she needed space. I’m absolutely devastated, I feel like I’ve been betrayed and lied too.

I downloaded a dating app to try move on and help with my own process. I know she isn’t obliged to me but I saw her on there unfortunately. I may not be able to talk since I am on it myself but I feel like my situation is different considering I didn’t break things up. She said lots of things that seemed like lies to me now. Makes no sense as to why she would break a relationship than join a dating app within a week or two. It’s put a lot into perspective for me as this just seems like toxic, selfish behavior as well as being immature about relationships.

im obviously cut up about this news but maybe she will still reply to my letter. There is obviously some severe issues with her which as you said I cannot change or save her. Only she can. I feel harsh saying it but I genuinely think I deserved better after all the effort and support I’ve put in.

If I don’t hear back from her then I know she isn’t worth it. If I do it’ll have to be up to her to chase me because right now as you said I need to work on myself. I’m investing too much into someone who either has a serious mental condition, lots of confusion, a problem with honesty and lying, or they are just young immature and toxic about relationships.

Am I jumping to conclusions here or am I valid with a lot of what I’ve said?

On top of of what I said about a trauma she is still on major anti depressant medication and has been for a few years. She is trying to taper off them slowly but was definitely finding it difficult and I was so hopeful she would get there giving lots of encouragement. I think she was disappointed in herself and not hopeful that she could actually get off the medication after being prescribed for a while.

thanks a lot Tee

<p style=”text-align: left;”>I mentioned to her I noticed that she rolls over and goes quiet when she is in a sad state, I also told her I realise that sometimes she death stares me with a blank face when she is upset/angry. This stare almost seems like a switch to me. when I mentioned this i think it started the events later in the night. She started saying she had a feeling that I was cheating on her even though I wasn’t. She said she knew I wasn’t but it was a feeling and she didn’t know why her head was telling her that. She then did as I explained and rolled over and bottled everything up. After trying to get her to talk she said to me why should I tell you about my anxiety when I don’t tell her mine (I mentioned I was anxious for the first time in a while however I didn’t know the exact cause).

There were comments I made sometimes and actions I did that she felt like I wasn’t showing her enough love. For example not sitting next to her one time, telling her I shouldn’t trust her directions when we go travelling as she makes many wrong turns. Nothing that seemed major to me. She felt like I was bringing her down not up at times and I always reassured her after she told her this isn’t true and I do make stupid comments at times but it isn’t me trying to hold her down.</p>
She had sexual trauma and would occasionally get pseudo seizures. By looking into the details I think there was times she believed I may have triggered her trauma and seizures and it was her body telling her we weren’t right together. As I said I was always actively changing ways to avoid triggering this. I would apologize to her every time and ask what I can do.

Okay I will change my wording within the letter. Honestly my poem I wrote is pretty full on as it is about her. It is just about her needing too spread her own wings and fly but I am here on a rainy day if she needs a guide basically.

I appreciate your words Tee you are helping me through this a lot.

I also think it’s a good plan to send her my thoughts, ideas and support. I know I will regret it in the future if don’t do this. People are telling me one month to wait. It’s nearly been 2 weeks so I am going to reach out myself because as I said I think she is afraid too as she knows she hurt me a lot and probably thinks I’m moving on and I’m done with her. She would believe I deserve better I think. But I don’t want better I genuinely want her and to work on what we had even if it is a friend.

the way I reacted when she told me she wants space was me telling her we can talk about things. I told her that she knows it’s just a trauma response and she responded by saying I shoouldnt be getting that trigger and it’s already happened more than once. I believe she thinks I may be triggering her trauma at times but I have always actively adapted to every time this has occurred, giving her reassurance that I am not actually purposefully doing it. Using that information to change what I do.

I honestly believe she does want me in her life as she is genuine with what she said. The only reason would be because I have fought for it in the past. I think she does want a future with me and all those things we spoke about because it always seemed so real. However I think she was scared of letting me down, getting my hopes up and not feeling like she was enough for me.

I do think she can love me as a lover only that her heart wasn’t fully in it and she detached from because she may have been scared of disappointing me or she had a feeling within herself that maybe something was off. If something was off I think it was within herself.

I am happy to try start a friendship with her and be there for her during these dark times I just don’t want her thinking I am only in it for a relationship. At the end of the day she said I was her best boyfriend, her rock, her best friend etc and wanted me in her life so it is giving me expectations that she does want me as a lifelong partner only that she may not have been ready for it. She was obviously conflicted and I think it was because of her trauma and depression that she left the relationship. Fear of being vulnerable. She isn’t fully in tune with her emotions and she is definitely overthinks and reads into every little detail. I am going to do my best to show her I can offer unconditional love even if it isn’t intimate. But I do want her at the end of the day.