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anitaParticipantDear Sarah:
“She’s been so strong and positive the last month. I am in absolute awe of her and her strength. The idea of losing her is really weighing on me lately“- may her strength be your strength, and your strength- hers. Be strong for each other, strong, positive, and realistic.
The Serenity Prayer: “god, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
anita
anitaParticipantContinued:
I have a better understanding now. There really is such a thing as Anger Addiction. It’s not an official diagnosis but the principle behind the term anger addiction is part of official diagnoses such as Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder.
Anger and rage (intense anger) involve the release of POWERFUL- FEELING chemicals in the brain. And powerful feels way, way better than feeling weak, meek, timid and anxious.
My mother aka that person was indeed very anxious, timid, meek and feeling powerless most of the time, but when she raged. Oh, did she feel powerful then!
I tried to explain to her that I didn’t mean to offend her when I said this and didn’t say that, when I failed to do that, whatever her false accusation was about, but she was not interested in what I said and never considered it. Instead, she ARGUED, a lot, and spared no twisting of logic in her arguing. She wasn’t interested in peace with me, she wasn’t interested in exploring the truth; she was interested in prolonging the war because it felt good, for her. And so, she argued and argued and argued, justifying her anger so that she can keep on angry and feeling powerful.
I used to feel guilty for not making her life better, for not helping her feel better. I didn’t know that she already helped herself to me as she enjoyed many hours of feeling-powerful (at my expense). You are welcome-not, no mother of mine.
anita
anitaParticipantContinued:
I am not guilty for the rage born out of the abuse I suffered. Little girl-me so hurt, so deeply hurt, such raw hurt.. a non-expected hurt, a surprise.. as in, I didn’t see it coming, and it’s coming at me again and again. Want to run, have nowhere to run; want to fight, but little girl anita is a little girl. Little girls don’t fight big people.
anita.. no one there for you back then. I am here for you, now. I am a big person now. I will fight for you now. Someone has your back!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Kshitij:
You are very welcome.
“How should I work towards changing/ breaking these thought patterns and resolving the childhood trauma that still causes me so much pain“- these thought patterns are a habit of the mind, a habit of your brain, that is. It is difficult to change ingrained habits, including mental habits.
One difficulty in changing these distressing mental habits that were formed as a result of you being mistreatment by your father is that every time you talk with him or visit with him, these habits are reinforced. You wrote today (I am adding the boldface feature to the following): “I was at home for a few weeks in March-April and I had a few situations with him, so my thoughts have become more frequent since then“- contact with him, particularly visits with him, breathe life into these thought, as in adding fuel to the thoughts, and the fire intensifies.
Therefore, staying away from him/ having no contact with him is of great value in the process of changing these thought patterns and resolving your childhood trauma, as much as it is possible.
“I read an article at the forum itself which gave me the idea that I am safe even in the moments of intrusive thoughts and they are not going to harm me“- this is part of changing your thought patterns: to understand that thoughts, any kind of thoughts, intrusive or not, are not dangerous. They are harmless mental events that happen in-between our ears and not outside that short distance.
A daily routine of aerobic exercise, mindfulness practices, including watching/ listening to Mindfulness Guided Meditations will help change/ break thought patterns.. over time. A patient, realistic, one-day-at-a-time attitude will help.
“As my best friend put it for me – ‘you think you need to suffer again and again that’s why you drag yourself back to those thoughts and situations'”– your friend has a good point. All abused children automatically believe that they deserve the abuse they received and should indeed suffer. This happens because for a dependent child, it’s safer to view oneself as the one at fault than it is to view the parent as the one at fault. Because if the child is at fault, then there’s something the child can do (to become.. a good girl or boy from now on..). If the parent is at fault, there’s nothing the child can do.
Healing will have to include changing your view and seeing your child-self as the innocent party, and your father- in context of the relationship with you- as the guilty party. (This will not be easy to do).
“At times these memories and thoughts lead me to rage fits, where my anger just seems to be like boiling. Even today before writing this post I had one such instance of rumination which led to me getting enraged over him again“- an abused child is an angry child, understandably. You are an adult, but every adult still has the little abused boy or girl/ abused teenager hurting inside, raging inside.
Expressing your anger in non-destructive way, such as journaling (here or privately) will help.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Dave:
Good to read your update, 4 months and 20 days since you last posted! You’ve been separated for nearly a year, “Every day seems a little more simple and I feel happier“- the separation has been good for you!
“I run now about 40-70km a week which I have never done“- fast walking is way easier on the knees and has all the aerobic exercise benefits of running. Did you ever consider it.. or is it considered .. unmanly to walk vs to run?
“I wanted to ask also, between my Ex and I we own two houses – 1 larger family home, (ex lives) and a smaller property… my current home… tiny) for nearly 11 months and everything is still being split down the middle, it just feels really unfair… I am paying the same as she is for a much smaller place“- I assume that your 3 kids live with their mother (your ex) in the large family home, while your ex is doing all of the parenting chores most of the time (cleaning, cooking, helping them with homework, etc.), so you are paying for your children to live in a home that has enough space for them, and to be cared for solely by your ex most of the time?
“I have told my ex that I am going to get out there and meet new people, So I don’t see that I am doing anything wrong...(she) gives me plenty of space to be myself and the great dad I want to be“- I don’t see anything wrong with it. Your ex is.. an ex, and your new relationship does not interfere with your duties and responsibilities as a father.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Lisa:
You are welcome and thank you for your note. It’s a good idea, for me, for others, to re-read these quotes every day, to start each day with “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered... It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
Absolutely beautiful!
anita
anitaParticipantThinking about you this evening, Nichole, 6:33 pm here, 9:33 pm where you’re at. Good night, Nichole!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Sha:
You are welcome. You are welcome to post again before your exams, anytime you’d like to share about your struggles and successes and receive my input.
anita
anitaParticipantHow are you, gresshoppe?
anita
anitaParticipantHow are you, Laven?
anita
anitaParticipantContinued (trigger warning, as always):
The simplicity of feeling angry at an enemy who is a stranger vs the complexity of feeling angry at an enemy who is one’s mother. When the enemy is a stranger, there’s no longing for love, no hope for love that’s in the way of running for one’s life, or fighting for one’s life. When the enemy is one’s mother, the longing for her love is a curse.
It takes the full understanding that a mother (the person, not the idea) does not mean a friend, or even a neutral party, not to many, many of us. And when she is an enemy, it takes the full understanding that the love/ longing we feel is for the idea of her, it is not for the person that she is. And so, it’s okay to feel the love and longing .. for the idea of a mother.
When I have her image in my mind, as I do now, and I have this loving feeling attached to this image, I no longer feel threatened by the loving feeling because it will not motivate me to reach out to the person and get hurt again.
Instead, this loving feeling will motivate me to be this desirable idea of a mother to other people, people who are not enemy.
Who is my enemy? A person who desires to inflict pain (criticism, shame, guilt, a beating) on me and then proceeds to do so, because she/ he is momentarily free of HER OWN pain when observing it in me.
She used me that way, aka abused me. She helped herself to me, taking advantage of a child who loved her, a child who had nowhere to go.
She said one time, and I quote (translated): “You think I don’t know I am wrong? I know, but what can you do? You have nowhere to go”.
Quite cruel, isn’t it? Unfair, unjust… day after day, month after month, year after year, never to stop. Never to apologize, decade after decade. Never to relinquish her unfair advantage/ her selfish, cruel use of her power as mother.
The RAGE, my rage is about all those endless moments, days years, eternity of abuse, subjugation, humiliation, soul-rape is a term that just occurred to me, soul and body rape, is more accurate. Again and again. Unrepented.
The idea of mother and empathy are synonymous. I didn’t have a mother. I had an obscene twist of a mother: an enemy.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Sha:
“Now everything seems to be lagging behind. This is the career I dreamed about. I don’t have any backup plans if I fail in these exams, and this makes me more anxious. If I fail in this exam, I’ll have to wait another year for it and find some part-time work (I still don’t know exactly what to do).“-
– The first thing to do is to lower and manage your anxiety so that your ability, while studying, to focus on the subject matter, process the information and commit it to memory significantly improves.
To lower and manage your anxiety, (1) Accept the possibility that you may fail the exams, wait a year for the next exams, and work part-time during the waiting-period. Accept this not a disaster, but an inconvenience. Consider the possibility that good things can happen during the year, such as that you might enjoy the part-time job.
(2) Commit to a study daily routine that includes some kind of exercise before studying, and/ or during breaks from studying, a yoga practice, and/ or listening to calming guided meditations (theme: mindfulness). When you are studying and feeling a spike in your anxiety, get up, walk around, take a few slow breaths, slow down on the exhale, drink water, or herb tea.. take a cold shower, or a hot bath, listen to calming music.. and go back to studying.
How does this sound to you?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Sha:
“I don’t feel like studying even though I try to… Negative thoughts keep popping up, such as ‘You are going to fail even if you study,’ and I can’t concentrate… I’ve turned into a negative person, and I fear failure even when I study well. The trigger is every time I take a mock test, it feels like I haven’t studied efficiently (like I can’t recall or have forgotten what I studied), and looking at the competition for the exams, I start to think, ‘Nahh, you’re going to fail in this too.’ My career depends on this exam, but I can’t focus even when I need to.“-
– Naturally we don’t want to do what feels badly. And studying has been established, in your mind, as something that feels badly. When you look at a hot stove, you don’t want to place your hand on it because you know there’ll be pain, it’d feel badly, so you keep your hand away from the hot stove. Similarly, you keep your mind away from studying.. even when you try to study.
Naturally we are afraid of pain, physical and emotional, and failing the exams represent pain for you. Do you agree?
When we are afraid on an ongoing basis, aka being anxious, our cognitive functioning suffers, including our ability to concentrate and remember.
Can you tell me in regard to your career, how do you view your career: is it something you want to do, something you look forward to be doing for years to come?
And if you fail your exams, what would the consequences be?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Niki:
“Some moments I just want to shout“- I imagine your usual calm, measured, controlled voice by your writing: perfectly accurate grammar (as far as I can tell), measured rhythm, calm tone.. perfectly intelligent, educated writing.
But underneath, there is an angry girl who wants to shout!
“I am finding it really hard to forgive myself for being soooo stupid… I could see the patterns and parallels and it doesn’t feel good.“- there is an equation my past therapist taught me a dozen years ago: Wise Mind= Rational Mind + Emotional Mind. To act wisely, we need not only rational intelligence but emotional intelligence.
The latter requires the courage (1) to see things as they are even though it doesn’t feel good to see them as they are, things we wish were different, (2) to break the status quo, to change the patterns and parallels; to depart from your mother’s ways and to choose your own way.
“I’ve noticed a pattern: those used to receiving help have… become perpetual takers, while the givers in our family, like rivers, keep flowing endlessly… this admiration comes with expectations that are taxing and unrealistic. They expect us to behave in a certain way… It’s exhausting. I’m tired of being the role model and the go-to person for help… It’s taken a toll on my mental health… falling into the same trap my mom since her younger days“- the status quo is you being a role model and a giver, a super human specimen who is not expected to take, to fail, to be human.
As a human, these super- human expectations and status quo is taking a toll on your mental health. Did I understand correctly?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Sha:
How about interrupting the negative thoughts with a hot bath.. or a cold shower (if it’s a hot season where you live), or a long walk outside, a swim every day in the public pool.. something like that?
anita
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 