Anita!

It has been a long long time. Thank you for continuing to write me. For some reason I had not received notifications that you wrote and I could have just looked up our last entries but I kind of lost touch. I am very happy to be writing you.

My it has been over 1.5 years since we spoke I believe. A lot has happened in that time. Not sure where to begin but I will try.

I am doing well in a sense.

I am working at the same job, I live in the same apartment. I have a grown a lot and better deal with life. By no means do I have it figured out though lol.

I am not dating nor in a relationship. I have spoke to some family and even had my father visit me in June. I am back on a texting basis with one brother and my niece.

I am financially stable. Not overly well off but pay my bills on time and can afford some self care luxuries.

I was seeing a man that I worked with for a while. It was not the best experience. I seem to attract similar traits in men.

I recently recognized in my current position at work that the load is too much for me. I have been supervising my department for the last year. So I have  demoted myself (Voluntarily)  to focus more on me and my life again. Not sure if that makes sense.

Have not been to Church as much as I’d like. Still have not found my fit for a Church family but now that I will be working a bit less and having hopefully less stress work wise I can focus more on my Church/Social life.

How are you Anita??

I hope you are doing very well. I am happy to see you still write.

Anita,

Very true, the stability from my job and consistency of where I have been living have helped get me back in a better place. I had not recently thought about the correlation between the moving around I was doing and my childhood. Growing up we moved around quite a bit. Finances were not stable.  I can still get really anxious when something unexpected happens. I fear the worse. I’ll be homeless and unable to provide for myself. With the work I have been doing I know this to be untrue. I have, even at my most fearful, always provided for myself. In the future I would like to better my relationship with money. I would like to thrive. Nonetheless,  I am grateful for what I do have.

Yes, past relationships and even the most recent one created turmoil. This last man was really just a distraction from dealing with where my life was. But I was also craving male attention as I still do. I settled with him. I knew he was not good for me or my soul but I continued on. Eventually, the differences were so clear that I could not stand to see him one more time. I have been peaceful since. But, I still believe in my heart that I was born to be a Mom and wife. My lifelong dream! I am 35 now, will it ever be? I have juggled with maybe it won’t. and I will have to live with that. I really just struggle to make friends or relationships. It is the trust issue. I hide myself a lot. I also attract similar patterns in people, but now, more than ever I feel so much more self aware about this.

Last week I started back into my new role after my voluntary demotion. It has been peaceful. I learned so much in leadership. I learned that I lead well. I lead with my heart and soul. My team loved me and I loved them. But, I learned that my boundaries would soon creep in. And to constantly work on boundaries can, at times, be empowering but also exhausting. Most times I gave way too much of myself. I look forward to spending the rest of this year treating work as just work and creating a life outside of it.

Bringing me to my family…

Your always spot on Anita! I can easily go into a nostalgic place with family. I do believe we had some wonderful times. My Father came in June, and it was great! We spent five days together. I knew better than to get attached. He struggles with alcohol and drug addiction. I know too well. He loves me when he can but he will most likely always return to his ways. I am coming to peace with this. As for my brother, it is just simple texts. I just want peace with them. I know they cannot provide the family environment I craved for so long.  But with my niece, this relationship is important to me. I know that she will need me in her life. She is 15 now. She will soon be heading for life’s ups and downs as well all do as we grow up and I want to be a wise person in her life. I love her so much. I am so happy to be in touch with her. I would love to go see her this summer. No exceptions, other than it my job to love her the best I can while I am in her company.

Yes, I wish I would have been able to apply your wonderful advice on relationships in a better way back then. I do believe I can function this way now. Mindfulness can be hard for me some times but I am starting to slow down more. I really would like to create connections that are stimulating and balanced.  I know that it begins with me. If I give/offer to much of me too fast I will likely attract people that will take quicker than I give. I look forward to slowing down. Paying attention to people and just having fun if I can. I just need the motivation to do it. I think talking about it is a start!

I am glad that you are fine. You mean a whole lot to myself, so can imagine how others on here feel as well. We had not spoke for 1.5 years but I always thought about you and your advice. The idea that you spent so much time reading my long, dramatic emails at times and you would be patient and kind and offer really good advice is so beautiful. Always will be appreciated.

Anita!

I have had an interesting/stressful last few weeks. My father has been suffering from some health issues. I had know about them but did not understand the severity. A few weeks ago he flew to AZ with my niece. Once there my brother found him out of breath and turning purple. He was rushed to the ER. Eventually needing life support. Once it got to that point I decided to take a trip to AZ to see him. I knew it could be the last time I would see him and I did not want to miss that opportunity.

Learning this information and knowing I would be in AZ I broke no contact with my oldest brother and his family. Between this and making so many big decisions regarding my Father’s life last week I was definitely challenged. I am proud to say that I survived and thrived during the experience. My father is no longer on life support. He is still struggling but better than it was.  My brothers and I had to decide decisions while he was under. It was so scary. So sad.

I stayed at my brothers home for financial reasons. It just made more sense. We ended up having a good time catching up in between supporting my father. We met for lunch multiple times while I was there and he was out of work. I often imagined seeing him to be more scary. It wasn’t. I also lost a lot of anger I used to have for him. It is a little confusing. I used to hate him for the things he has done. And here I was loving him. The relationship is not perfect but being reunited in some is peaceful. He apologized and admitted a few things even though I tried hard not to talk about the past. Underneath him being the oldest of us all and the more “powerful” one, he is very sensitive and craves family and attention. He loves having company and was sad when I left. He likes to be surrounded by family. And I explained I am more of a loner. I need quite a bit of time to replenish my energy. I was trying to be open about my boundaries going forward.

I like the peace and forgiveness that has come over me in regards to family. I feel like it is a part of me I was trying to deny for so long. And for good reason because I needed to.

As I adapt back into Florida time and work this week I am just trying to get back into gear with my own schedule and goals again.