Dear SadSoul

“You were a beautiful little girl. You deserved to be surrounded by love. For your mother to laugh at your quirky ways, celebrate your achievements, and build you up in your sad moments.“- I took this in as much as I could, while having a visual of myself (a memory of photos) at 1-3 years old.

Thank you.

“I find it so hard to imagine child me and give her the love she deserved“- I didn’t feel empathy for myself, not for the child that I was, and not for me as an adult, until most recently. To feel empathy for myself is very new to me. It’s a new experience. This has to be what healing is about.

“I think perhaps it’s because if I’m imagining me as a child it separates me from being able to feel adult love and protection for me – whoever thought of a child caring for themselves in an adult manner??“- I am trying to understand this sentence. I think that there’s something profound in it, but it eludes me.

“I can most certainly imagine the lovely little girl you were though, and the love you deserved to have“- and I am imagining the lovely girl that you were and the lovely person that you are today.

“Gold!!! Thank you for standing up for me. I am deeply touched by this, a thing no one has ever done, and here I am watching you do it retrospectively“- I was hoping you would like my poop gesture, was a bit worried that you wouldn’t. But Yes, I would have done that!

“I love all your poems. I have zero poetic ability. Thank you.“- you are welcome. Maybe Sad Soul the adult doesn’t have poetic ability. Check with Sad Soul the girl… she may surprise you..!

“There is so much more to say but my brain has fried itself reading that you would have washed my hands and led me away. My heart is breaking reading such a beautiful thing.”- we are connecting via mutual empathy. Look at this: Connecting via Mutual Empathy: CME. See Me.

“Instead, I imagine an eagle flying high above you on your morning walk. A hare gallops across your pathway with a fox behind it. The fox is startled by you being there so Mr. hare lives for another day“- beautiful. I see poetic ability here!

“Hopefully no wolves or bears are waiting for you, but if they are, you remembered the pancakes and you’ll throw them in their face, and they’ll lick maple syrup off their faces and forget about you!“- chances are, I see a bear walking toward me, getting close, I reach out for my pancake, which I took with me on my walk… but alas, the only thing left is the syrup on my face. Oopsie.

anita

Dear SadSoul:

“If I’d been there I would have taken you home and fixed it for you. Wrapped your lost little self up in all the cuddles you should have been given.“- … ahh, for cuddles to feel good, not alarming but comforting. The cuddles of a mother, of the idea of a mother in a person. Her touch felt creepy to me. I hated it, felt like crawling out of my skin.

Cuddles by SadSoul, protective cuddles. I am taking a moment to.. I just imagined my little child-self held by you. Thank you.

“I had to clean her bathroom and the children’s bathroom toilet each week too. One time someone blocked the toilet and she made me put my bare hands until the toilet and pull the poos and toilet paper out. No one has ever been sorry for us, me and siblings. I’m bawling my eyes out now. I can’t focus on the other half because I can only do this much emotion then my brain sort of explodes and distracts itself“-

– If I’d been there, I would have washed your hands in the sink while talking gently to you, and I would have walked you out of the bathroom, or carried you out, and I would have taken care of you and never let you see her again. And if she- the evil stepmother- stood in my way, I’d throw some poop in her face and smear it all over her face. So, that would have been the last visual memory you’d have of her.

“See! Distraction! Brave medieval Anita approaching a bear on a darkened overgrown lane on a moonlit night, weapons left at her camp fire because she hadn’t planned on wandering so far away…. See! No weapons!… I hope when big bear got home his porridge had been tasted by goldilocks!“- you are hilarious, SadSoul (a smile emoji).

“I love make syrup! And lots of butter. They have jokes at work that I have some crumbs with my slice of butter“- there is a poem called Butter: “.. Growing up/ we ate turkey cutlets sauteed in lemon/ and butter, butter and cheese on green noodles/…butter disappearing into/ whipped sweet potatoes, with pineapple/ butter melted and curdy to pour/ over pancakes, butter licked off the plate…”… the love of butter.

“I’m thinking let’s go all out and have pancakes and French toast, and I’ll put a pot of coffee and some hot chocolate on, and we’ll sit in the sunshine on my back porch. If we’re up early enough we can catch the sun rise over the trees.“-(a big smile emoji)!

anita

Dear Kshitij:

You are very welcome.

“How should I work towards changing/ breaking these thought patterns and resolving the childhood trauma that still causes me so much pain“-  these thought patterns are a habit of the mind, a habit of your brain, that is. It is difficult to change ingrained habits, including mental habits.

One difficulty in changing these distressing mental habits that were formed as a result of you being mistreatment by your father is that every time you talk with him or visit with him, these habits are reinforced. You wrote today (I am adding the boldface feature to the following): “I was at home for a few weeks in March-April and I had a few situations with him, so my thoughts have become more frequent since then“- contact with him, particularly visits with him, breathe life into these thought, as in adding fuel to the thoughts, and the fire intensifies.

Therefore, staying away from him/ having no contact with him is of great value in the process of changing these thought patterns and resolving your childhood trauma, as much as it is possible.

“I read an article at the forum itself which gave me the idea that I am safe even in the moments of intrusive thoughts and they are not going to harm me“- this is part of changing your thought patterns: to understand that thoughts, any kind of thoughts, intrusive or not, are not dangerous. They are harmless mental events that happen in-between our ears and not outside that short distance.

A daily routine of aerobic exercise, mindfulness practices, including watching/ listening to Mindfulness Guided Meditations will help change/ break thought patterns.. over time. A patient, realistic, one-day-at-a-time attitude will help.

“As my best friend put it for me – ‘you think you need to suffer again and again that’s why you drag yourself back to those thoughts and situations'”– your friend has a good point. All abused children automatically believe that they deserve the abuse they received and should indeed suffer. This happens because for a dependent child, it’s safer to view oneself as the one at fault than it is to view the parent as the one at fault. Because if the child is at fault, then there’s something the child can do (to become.. a good girl or boy from now on..). If the parent is at fault, there’s nothing the child can do.

Healing will have to include changing your view and seeing your child-self as the innocent party, and your father- in context of the relationship with you- as the guilty party. (This will not be easy to do).

“At times these memories and thoughts lead me to rage fits, where my anger just seems to be like boiling. Even today before writing this post I had one such instance of rumination which led to me getting enraged over him again“- an abused child is an angry child, understandably. You are an adult, but every adult still has the little abused boy or girl/ abused teenager hurting inside, raging inside.

Expressing your anger in non-destructive way, such as journaling (here or privately) will help.

anita

Dear SadSoul:

“Stepmother allowed pancakes for brekkie“- never came across the word brekkie, but didn’t have to look it up.. how cute!

“Stepmother allowed pancakes for brekkie on Sunday, only I wasn’t allowed mine because I hadn’t done my weeding chores well enough for her and had to go back and do them again, only she allocated me most of the garden as punishment for my poor job – I was 6 or 7 so… I wasn’t finished until lunch time.  I went in for my pancakes and stepsister and her bestie had eaten my share“-

– this is almost taken straight from the Cinderella movie:

“Lady Tremaine (evil stepmother) to Cinderella: “Hold your tongue!… Silence!… There’s the large carpet in the main hall; clean it! And the windows, upstairs and down; wash them! Oh yes, and the tapestries and the draperies—
Cinderella: But I just finished—
Lady Tremaine: Do them again! And don’t forget the garden. Then scrub the terrace, sweep the halls and the stairs, clean the chimneys. And of course there’s the mending and the sewing and the laundry… Oh yes, and one more thing. See that Lucifer gets his bath.”

(Lady Tremaine’s daughters, Cinderella’s step sisters, joined in the abuse)

“I was 6 or 7… I was so sad”– six or seven Sad Soul.

“I badly sprained or broke my ankle later on that day… The next day I wasn’t able to go outside.  I sat inside reading and listening to stepsister be nasty to my biological sibling… Stepmother hauled sibling into sibling’s bedroom and gave sibling a few whacks…  Then she grabbed some ornaments our grandmother had made sibling and started… smashing sibling’s precious things...  I tried to run away, which was a fast hop down the hallway, and she pounded after me.  She stood over me and spit hit my face while she said her piece… Father was standing watching it all happen, saying nothing”-

– Did you relate to Cinderella growing up??? Evil stepmother, (and evil father!). I am so sorry for innocent young Sad Soul and Siblings.

“It wasn’t all bad at our grandparents but it wasn’t good.  Lots of beltings“- you didn’t get a break, for crying out loud!

“My mother cut me off because I stood up for myself.  She was telling lies about something she said I did, something I didn’t do, and I finally stood up for myself and said no that did not happen, you did that.  And she hung up on me and hasn’t spoken to me since“- it’s her (lying) way or the highway.

“telling her the truth, your truth, made you feel so evil.. Because I know what a broken heart feels like.  I know what hurt feels like.  Because hurting anyone is the worst thing“- empathy for your abuser, your mother.

“This is very confusing to my poor little brain?!?!“- it was just a theory I came up with, a possible explanation. May not be true at all.

Maybe because it’s so far from how I’ve ever looked at her.  I tell you things she’s done but my heart still feels like she’s my fairy mother and perfect.  Intellectually I know she’s not.  But my heart can’t reconcile itself to who she is.“- I think that it’s your empathy  for her that’s clouding your vision of her, as well as your understandable need for the idea of a mother to be actualized in her person.

“Now tell me how you are! Fill my head with the lovely things in your day. Fill my head with the unlovely things in your day.“- well, it’s been raining cats and dogs here for 2 days, walked in the rain yesterday. The day before yesterday, during my walk,  I had a meeting of the eyes and minds with a black bear crossing the road (at a good distance), on the one day I didn’t carry bear spray with me, and right after I dropped a thick stick that I did carry with me. Judging by the size of the bear, the stick would have tickled him at most, and I would have been his brekkie!

anita

Dear Lisa:

You are welcome and thank you for your note. It’s a good idea, for me, for others, to re-read these quotes every day, to start each day with “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered... It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

Absolutely beautiful!

anita

Dear Sha:

You are welcome. You are welcome to post again before your exams, anytime you’d like to share about your struggles and successes and receive my input.

anita

How are you, Laven?

anita