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anitaParticipantDear Blueman: I will read and reply in about 6 hours from now.
anita
anitaParticipantContinued (trigger warning, as always):
I keep posting here because it is working for me, it gets me closer and closer to peace-of-mind. And if what I post here helps a single other person out there, that’s good enough for me, a worthy cause.
I am alone this evening, not yet dark, autophobia. I feel the scream from the inside, inaudible, yet intensely, quietly, terribly loud: Mother! Help me! Somebody help me!
This is not an intellectual exercise, here, it’s emotional: Help Me!
I feel the despair. I feel the what’s-the-point, no one is here for me, no one is there for me, no one to hold me and help me.
The Alone-ness.
How is it that no one hears me, no one hears my cries?
All alone, I am all alone, no one there for me?
Autophobia, this means.. I am going to die, all alone?
And no one knows, no one cares?
I hear a noise outside, a helicopter in the sky perhaps, The noise is gone now, It’s quiet again. Alone. A bit of darkness outside, alone inside… Here’s the helicopter sound again.. someone is out there, a human being. Who is that person in the sky..?
Those Formative Years of childhood, what they formed into me is a desperate alone-ness and loneliness, the there’s no one there for me.
Judging by the desperate cries of a coyote pup a few years ago, one who found himself (or herself) alone, separated and far away from the pack that one night, it’s a terrible feeling, death-about-to-happen any moment. For a highly social animal (a human, a coyote, a dog) separation/ alone-ness = death.
It’s darker now than when I started this post, not yet dark but really close to being dark, the closing of a day.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Blueman:
“I suffer from low self-esteem and a ton of insecurities“- this describes me when I was your age and many years after.
“I was unauthentic, trying excessively to be funny“- you didn’t believe that your true, authentic self was good enough for her, so you did your best to be someone else, someone worthy of her, someone funny.
You did it for her, because you cared for her.
“While being intimate once I said something to her that she didn’t like, which I thought would’ve been harmless“- you thought it’d be harmless. You didn’t have a harmful intent.
If you weren’t solely focused on your inadequacies, or imperfections, you would have noticed hers. No one is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. Every day.
“I feel disgusted by myself how I handled the whole situation in most underconfident, foolish and anxious manner“- to me, you sound/ reads like a good, loving young person.
anita
April 16, 2024 at 7:16 pm in reply to: Surrender, Accessing Shakti by clearing samskaras, eliminating false selves #431773anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle:
“I want to be a good friend, I want that to be a part of who seaturtle is… I need to learn when I need to let go of someone/something, but recently I gave up someone (you know who). And now I think I don’t want to do it again unless it is so so necessary”–
– I didn’t suggest that you let go of and give up on P. My point is, restated, that if you want a positive, relaxing birthday weekend in Palm Springs, then having a person who is, (your words), “so negative“, who “talks just so much, doesn’t allow a moment of silence… cuts me off… doesn’t listen when I talk…just waits to talk“, is not congruent with having a positive, relaxing weekend, not for you, and not for your roommate- friend.
It is your birthday weekend to spend as you choose. Maybe having P will turn out to be a surprising delight. I don’t know.
I read your recent posts about your boredom and restlessness, and what occurred to me is that you need the most- seems to me- a why, as in what Vicktor Frankl wrote in his book, Man’s Search for Meaning: “Those who have a ‘why’ to live, can bear with almost any ‘how’“, a why, a meaning, a “dedication to a cause greater than oneself”.
Your grandmother Oma was born in 1942 in a bunker in Germany. Viktor Frankl, born in Austria, was 37 when your grandmother was born. Based on his experience in Auschwitz as a psychiatrist, he wrote Man’s Search for Meaning and founded logotherapy which is based on the premise that the primary motivational force of an individual is to find a meaning in life.
anita
anitaParticipantContinued:
Rage. What a potent, powerful emotion and what great, colossal damage it produces on an individual and on a global scale, from a mother dropping a shaming verbal bomb on her daughter, to a nation threatening to drop a nuclear bomb on another/ on all of us. How important it is to exercise restraint, and how much more restraint is needed.
How crucial it is to replace rage with compassion, wherever, whenever possible, so to save ourselves and our world. Because we are all in it together, no matter how separated so many of us feel.
As I am approaching the end part of my individual life, and as the world approaches the real-and-present danger of significant collapse, I am tying loose ends of misunderstandings, resolving needless personal suffering. It boils down to: rage needs to be expressed in non-violent ways, and then, be tamed, contained.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Nichole:
Good to read this most interesting update, including that your father is doing better and is no longer on life support. I wish him continuing recovery!
About your time in Arizona, you wrote: “I am proud to say that I survived and thrived during the experience…. I stayed at my brothers home for financial reasons. It just made more sense. We ended up having a good time catching up in between supporting my father… I also lost a lot of anger I used to have for him… here I was loving him. The relationship is not perfect but being reunited in some is peaceful. He apologized and admitted a few things… I like the peace and forgiveness that has come over me in regards to family. I feel like it is a part of me I was trying to deny for so long. And for good reason because I needed to“- May the peace and forgiveness that you feel last and last.
“”As I adapt back into Florida time and work this week I am just trying to get back into gear with my own schedule and goals again.“- and may you focus on your life away and independently of your family.
A walk on memory lane- exactly 2 years ago, on April 16, 2022, you posted: “A lot has changed since we last spoke. Although I’ve been consistent with work and have caught up financially, it has become so stressful. I’m working in a call center. The pain I feel and sense here is extreme. People intentionally triggering people all day long like a zoo! I’m sorry if I seem more angry than usual. But I have had it. I’m overwhelmed… I do not know what it was that calmed me. But I imagined it all last night and I imagine anyone holding me most nights… I miss someone to go to dinner with. I miss someone to go to the beach with. And so yes, I have extended myself to groups and even tried to date but it’s so hard to make new connections when I still have so much trauma built up and I feel like I keep adding more by trying to do everything alone“-
– Less than an hour ago, I submitted a post about Loneliness. Loneliness was declared “a global public health concern” by the World Health Organization a few months ago. The more socially/ emotionally connected we are to other people, in positively supportive ways, the healthier we are, physically and mentally!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Bell:
What I sense reading your recent 2nd post, and re-reading the first is the excessive fear of being alone, aka autophobia.
“I will die without him“- fear of being alone/ without him, a fear as intense as the fear of death.
“I do believe that I have both avoidant and anxious attachment styles from having an absent father in many ways“- part of you (the anxious attachment part) is so afraid to be left alone in the future, anticipating how terrible it will be. Another part (the avoidant attachment part) is trying to put an end to the anxious anticipation of being left alone in the future.. by bringing the feared future to the present, making the breakup happen already, so you are not afraid anymore that it will happen.
“I’ve seen a psychologist once since we ‘broke up’ it did help me feel a whole lot better“- I think that you felt so much better during and sometime after that one session with the psychologist, not only because of what she said, but because with her, you did not feel alone. You felt that you were being listened to, being attended to, being someone’s priority, as in someone cares about you…?
“I have another psychologist appointment coming up and many more to come after that one, but the time between appointments feels so long and I feel very alone“- I feel very alone, key words. During the session above you felt a whole lot better because you were not alone. But in between appointments.. you feel very alone.
“my psychologist told me that… I am trying to run away from my relationship because of a fear of being left alone“- there it is, fear of being left alone (I wrote the above before this part registered in my mind).
“The anxiety and o bad thoughts are still constant. I have been refraining from bringing these up with him and only mentioning it here and there because I do not want to worry him and upset him anymore… The pushing him away and pulling him in has been really hard for him and I hate that I’m doing this to him“- it’s kind/ loving of you to care about not worrying and upsetting him!
“I found during the time we were apart that I had this constant fear that I was nobody’s first choice anymore and I felt so alone and absolutely devastated… It’s like this horrible feeling that the world is closing in around me and I won’t ever feel happy again“- this is how autophobia feels like. This has been my experience, as I too suffer from autophobia (I didn’t know of the term until a few days ago, and I wrote about it in my own thread since).
I am guessing that growing up, you too (like me) were left terribly alone, maybe physically, maybe emotionally, being ignored, being no one’s priority?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Blueman:
I hope that you will feel better soon.
“At one point I got obsessed with this person. I think I experienced Limerence… Once we dated my intense anxiety and negative thinking caught me up and destroyed our connection“- anxiety, negative thinking and obsession do destroy.
“Finally, it ended in 1.5 months. Ruined it all with my own hands My partner trusted in me yet I failed her… The guilt is so overwhelming… Everyone has been telling me I am being too hard on myself but am I?“- since the short, 1.5 month relationship ended, you’ve been obsessing about having failed your now ex-girlfriend, and you fee guilty about it.. obsessed with guilt.
I’d approach this particular obsession on two fronts:
(1) your childhood history of feeling responsible for failing someone.. one of your parents, perhaps?
(2) the short history with your girlfriend: in what ways, in actual terms, do you think you have failed or hurt her, in only 1.5 months?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Maria:
“I am afraid of failure. This is true, but I am even more afraid of success… I have a core drive to be of service, to be embedded in community and to be a part of something bigger than myself“-
– what if you dedicated yourself so fully, so completely to being a part of something bigger than yourself, that you would become bigger than your personal anxiety (about failure and success)?
anita
anitaParticipantContinued:
I am taking a break from fear, anxiety and rage to mention Love. Here is a bible quote about love that I like very much (1 Corinthians 13:4-6): “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth”.
This is how I want to love.
anita
April 15, 2024 at 3:17 pm in reply to: Surrender, Accessing Shakti by clearing samskaras, eliminating false selves #431720anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle:
This is what you wrote yesterday about P: “she is so negative, and she talks just so much, doesn’t allow a moment of silence. She cuts me off, I can hardly get a story out… She doesn’t listen when I talk she just waits to talk, and my patience is falling away. In trying to be a good friend I have spent time with her and just allowed her to vent“.
Today, you wrote in regard to my suggestion to disinvite P to the weekend celebration of your birthday: “This is what I want to do, but I am afraid of losing P as a friend if I do that, that I would be being a bad friend, wouldn’t I be?”-
– if you don’t disinvite her and suffer her presence during your birthday weekend (enduring her negative, on and on venting, etc.)), then you’d be a bad friend to you, wouldn’t you?
And you’d be losing you, wouldn’t you?
To be a true self (not a false self) means being a good friend to you, to not lose you.
You wrote that you plan to talk with P: “I have a feeling she will get defensive and if she does, and cannot see her negative behavior and commit to working on it, then I will attempt to disinvite her. It would be easier if I could have a conversation with her and she could remove herself from the trip”– you are afraid of being your true, assertive self, so you are hoping that she (P) will make the right choice for you. Your false self is scared to be proactive, it prefers to be reactive (to leave it up to P).
To be one’s authentic/ true self means to be assertive and kind, not one or the other.
anita
anitaParticipantContinued (trigger warning, still):
You blamed me for what others have done to you before I was born. You pointed your finger of blame at me, accusing me of being the Bad Guy, and proceeding to punish the bad guy, who in reality was a good girl who loved her (perceived) mother more than anything or anyone in the whole wide world.
And I believed you, how could I not…?
There is no greater Betrayal.
I figuratively reclaim my head, that which you figuratively cut off of me, and I form my sincere intent to hand you back the shame and guilt that does not belong to me.
anita
anitaParticipantContinued (trigger warning.. sensitive topic):
Fear, the fear of being alone (autophobia), that’s been my fear for as long as I remember.
There were 2 kinds of Alone: (1) being without that person (previously referred to in this thread, as my mother), once she does what she repeatedly said she will do: kill herself (commit suicide). And that, as she repeatedly said, that she’d kill herself because I was a bad, bad girl, the worst. The worst girl in the world.
(I remember her threatening to kill herself when I was younger than 6, when I was 20+, and last time I remember, I was in my late 30s or early 40s).
(2) being with that person: the crushing criticism, guilt-tripping, shaming.. shaming, lots of shaming, shaming me to the core. Crushing my spirit while keeping my body alive.
Couldn’t live without her, couldn’t live (as in truly live) with her.
The first was fear; the second was fear and anger: great anger, RAGE.
I want to talk about that RAGE (talking to her, in my mind, here): You tell me: who do you think you are..? (you big zero). Today, I ask you: who do you think YOU are? Your shame does not give you the right to inflict it on ME!
You literally cut your head off in photographs, it’s a shame.. but you have no RIGHT to figuratively cut off my head by shaming me to the core, and at length, crushing my spirit, mutilating my brain. You have no such right!!!
And yet, you took the liberty to do what was oh, so very wrong for you to do.
You took that liberty because you were not afraid of retaliation, not from me, not from anyone else. For there was no one for me, no one with me.
Who do you think YOU are?
You called me names, you told me how bad, bad, bad, bad… bad, bad of a person I was- am.
You are!
It is a bad person who returns shame for the unconditional, most dedicated love of a daughter for her (perceived) mother, the love of a little girl looking up to her mother for love in return.
Alone without her; alone and condemned with her. RAGE.
anita
anitaParticipantDear gresshoppe:
“I have pondered, and will ponder.“- I ponder too. Actually, I enjoy pondering in these forums and elsewhere. And I enjoy reading other members’ pondering, so anytime you’d like to ponder out loud here, in your thread, please do!
anita
anitaParticipantDear gresshoppe:
“I was really annoyed with an older friend of mine… she won’t stop hammering away at how unhappy I’ll be if I don’t find someone… She keeps assuring me that ‘I’ll find someone,’“- rushing you to find someone as in saying that for a woman to be unattached/ not in a relationship is a scary thing..?
There is a term for the fear of being/ living alone, when it is excessive, it’s called autophobia. It is experienced both by people who live alone and people who live with a significant other.
(I am adding the boldface feature to the following quote): “Everything fell apart, so fast. I wanted to slow everything down, but couldn’t find a way, so I went no contact. It was really hard to recover… identifying a pattern in my behavior. I get excited with a connection, really get it into the other person, and then burn out. Going deep tells me to slow everything down and get to know the other person better. My own pattern feels self-destructive… I feel myself getting sucked back into a hot and heavy relationship and my insides are pleading with me to slow down in a major way“-
– I wonder if it’s the fear of being alone that’s fueling the going so fast, the rushing to secure an attachment/ a relationship, on your part and on his part?
In regard to moving too fast and getting to know who you’re moving too fast with, from an article by huff post/ 7 signs you’re moving too fast when you’re dating someone: “Trust is something that’s slowly built over time… Make sure this person is worthy of your trust and vulnerability before you go telling them your deepest secrets… We trust through actions, not words… Romance is one of the biggest emotional roller coasters, and people are willing to take way too many unnecessary risks in the beginning…
“Many people confuse the word ‘love’ with ‘in love’… While being in love ― being infatuated or experiencing lust ― is more relevant to early stages of a romantic relationship, loving someone is more relevant to a long-term relationship, after you’ve really gotten to know your partner… My advice would be to give your partner just a little trust. If they show they are worthy of that little trust, give them a little more, and so on and so forth. You earn it one bit at a time.”
From harley therapy. co. uk/ always moving too fast in a relationship: “for the most part, moving too fast in a relationship and relying on sudden infatuation is an experience that ends as quickly as it began – and often with a bump. What makes you the sort who always promises ‘never again’ but then can’t seem to stop going too fast in relationships?
“9 Reasons You Rush into Love 1. You are Codependent…. 2. You are counter dependent: The flip side of codependency, counter dependency means you fear real intimacy… 3. You have an anxious attachment style… 4. You lack boundaries… 7. You have adult ADHD or borderline personality disorder… Adult ADHD has impulsivity as a main symptom. This means you don’t think things through before.. diving in – including engaging in relationships. Borderline personality disorder is another condition which can leave you prone to ‘speed relating’. If you have BPD you tend to be very emotionally intense and oversensitive with a deep fear of rejection… 8. You are a love or relationship addict. Do you rush headlong into relationships because they make you ‘feel alive’? If you have an addictive personality, other people can be the thing that creates the ‘high’ you crave…”.
Things to ponder…?
anita
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