Tiny Buddha

Category: Blog

  • Loving Others Without Expecting Them to Fill a Void

    Loving Others Without Expecting Them to Fill a Void

    couple

    “You must love in such a way that the other person feels free.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    Conventional notions of what it means to love are populated with expectations for reciprocity, which often gets us into trouble. I know this personally, because whenever I have “freely” given my love and it has not been rewarded with reciprocity, I have often come face to face with my resentment.

    This has been especially true of my intimate relationships. I want the people who fall into this category, in particular, to reciprocate my love. I expect them to. But, as Thich Nhat Hanh points out, love is expansive, not constrictive.

    I had a boyfriend once, for example, who seemed to genuinely like spending time with me, but didn’t make our relationship a priority. This was a guy who was pretty laid back in general, and so I discounted his reserve and tried to be patient, thinking we’d eventually turn a corner.

    What became clear, over the course of four years, is that my patience was thinly veiling a whole host of disappointed expectations for reciprocity. And in the end I felt angry and betrayed.

    The question is: by whom really?

    When some time had passed and I was able to look back on the situation with a little more objectivity, it became clear that I’d entered into the relationship with typical expectations for attention, time, comfort, and affection—in other words, an agenda.

    I don’t mean to say there is anything wrong with wanting to be loved. There isn’t. It is a good and natural impulse.

    We all deserve the love of our intimate others and should be careful to choose partners whose love for us is a natural, abundant outpouring of their feelings, and investment in us and our wellbeing.

    The desire to be loved—to the extent that it is fueled by any underlying agendas or feelings of isolation and loneliness—can be very problematic. It often turns a relationship into some version of, “I’ll scratch your back if you’ll scratch mine.” And love isn’t contractual.

    However, bargaining is, and this, unfortunately, was the weak foundation on which my own compromised relationship stood and faltered. He failed to invest in the relationship while taking advantage of all the intimate benefits, and I failed to draw good boundaries; I settled for being used, rather than being loved.

    Revealed in all this was the fact that I hadn’t exactly been looking after my own needs very well. I’d neglected and betrayed myself, in some sense, and needed to assume greater responsibility for my own personal happiness.

    To that end I began a quest to locate the sense of inner contentment and satisfaction I so craved, but was not in possession of. I read books, magazines, watched films, and made note of what resonated with me and what did not—what stirred my enthusiasm, what made sense.

    I became more curious about my inner life. An act of love in itself.

    Later, I began a regular practice of journal writing and meditation. I’m a big believer in the contemplative arts, which, for me, can include things like painting, running, swimming, knitting—almost anything that helps you reach a more contemplative state of mind. For me this was huge.

    What I have learned the hard way is that a robust love stands the best chance of materializing between people who have ripened sufficiently as individuals. And it is always a work in progress.

    Love is never complete. Just as life is always moving and re-shaping itself, this is true with love.

    Thus, loving in such a way that the person we love feels free is as simple and straightforward as it is complex and discursive.

    Essentially, we need to practice being the love we wish to see in the world, and that requires a deeply rooted sense of reverence and respect for ourselves, our intimate others, and the wonderfully complex, exquisitely vulnerable, flawed humanity we share.

    It requires making mistakes, making amends, and trying to manage matters with an increasing degree of skill and intelligence, not to mention forgiveness.

    Here is a lovely quote by Rumi that really gets to the heart of the matter.

    And still, after all this time, the Sun has never said to the Earth

    “You owe me.”

    Look what happens with love like that.

    It lights up the sky.

    Which is to say, we need to be love. That is all there really is to it in the end—simple, but not easy, as with most things worth striving for in life. Then the love returned by others can be received as the gift that it is.

    Ultimately, love is its own reward. Generous. Expansive. Inclusive. Receptive. Liberating.

    Love well, live well!

    Photo by mrhayata

  • Preserving Kindness in a Busy World: We Are All Connected

    Preserving Kindness in a Busy World: We Are All Connected

    We Are All Connected

    “The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest good intention.” ~Oscar Wilde

    Three times in the last two months I have nearly been run over by a fellow shopper’s grocery cart. Each time the customer rushing closely behind me had to suddenly swerve and push past, clearly annoyed with the obstacle, which was me.

    As unpleasant as this was, I can relate to that shopper’s sense of urgency. Grocery shopping is one of my least favorite tasks. I focus on my list, sometimes while talking on the phone, and get done as quickly as possible.

    There has always been busyness and stress to distract us from one another. Now with the pervasiveness of smart phones, there are requests for our attention always at our fingertips, pulling us away from the people right in front of us.

    When I focus exclusively on my own needs I, too, am oblivious to the people around me.  

    I used to take my grandmother to the grocery store, when she was still determined to do her own shopping. Long suffering with emphysema, it took a tremendous amount of energy for her to get dressed and go on such an outing.

    As she rode around in her scooter while I walked in tandem, she always had a smile for the ladies behind the deli counter who remembered her name. At check out, too, the clerks recognized her and would say how good it was to see her. Once in a while another shopper would look at her and share a friendly greeting.

    In those moments I glimpsed my grandmother’s younger, playful self as she bantered back and forth, eager to experience those connections again.

    I felt overflowing gratitude for these small acts of kindness. These folks could easily have continued about their day without pausing to acknowledge this frail woman. Such a small effort on their part became a high point that would set the tone for the rest of my grandmother’s day.

    The reason she persevered in doing her own shopping was not the independence of getting her own groceries; it was the shared humanity she experienced in these small acts of kindness.

    The conversations with the salesclerks and the few shoppers who smiled and greeted her buoyed her spirits beyond anything I alone could provide.

    In the produce section recently I was considering my mental shopping list when a woman approached. She paused a moment to gaze at the heads of red leaf lettuce. Then she turned to me and beamed,

    “Aren’t they just so pretty?!”

    She happily picked one up and continued shopping. As I paused in front of the lettuces I realized they were quite lovely. And I smiled.

    In one simple, refreshing comment that woman shared an acknowledgement of me.

    She saw me, affirmed our shared experience, and presumed that I, too, would value the beauty laid before us.

    My life is full. I am not seeking friendship in the grocery store.

    But in that simple exchange I was reminded that we are all connected to one another.

    I recently read that “among our most powerful human motive is the desire to form and maintain social bonds.” (Baumerstein & Leary.) We are social beings. No matter how busy or independent we are, our actions affect others.

    With that in mind, while I was at the grocery today I made a few changes.

    Slow down.

    I walked at a steady pace. No speeding down the aisles.

    At the freezer aisle a lady in a scooter asked me for help. This never happened when I was racing through the aisles. I gladly reached what she needed.

    Observe.

    I looked around me and made eye contact with several people. I stayed off my phone.

    In the cereal aisle I noticed a woman with two young children, and I smiled at her.

    Stay present.

    At the check out, an older gentleman ahead of me turned around hesitantly. On making eye contact he initiated a conversation about his wife who passed away. It was a brief exchange that never would have happened had I been checking my email on my smart phone.

    I will never know how these small acts of kindness affected anyone else today. But I do know that I respected my connection to these strangers by being fully present in those moments.

    Being open to others might take us away briefly from our multitasking, busy lives. But by doing so we honor the inherent value in ourselves and each other. And nobody is left feeling like a speed bump in the grocery aisle of life.

    Photo by Steve Hardy

  • Today Can Be the Day You Turn Things Around

    Today Can Be the Day You Turn Things Around

    Sad Man

    “In chaos, there is fertility.” ~Anais Nin

    How did I get to this point?

    This question pulsed through my brain repeatedly as I drove to my parents’ house in a state of complete exhaustion. My young daughter was strapped in the back seat, my pregnant belly pushing against the steering wheel, hot tears streaming down my face.

    I was done. I had nothing left to give. How did I get here?

    Gradually, then suddenly.

    With eternal gratitude to Hemingway, three simple words so elegantly summarize how I ended up in a situation I didn’t want or expect.

    “How did you go bankrupt?”

    “Gradually, then suddenly.”

    ~Ernest Hemingway (The Sun Also Rises)

    It happened so gradually, almost imperceptibly. And then suddenly, unequivocally, shockingly, I had suffered an emotional breakdown.

    Looking back, I can see that I had willingly immersed myself in anxiety, perfectionism, comparisons, sleep-deprivation, a lack of mindfulness, poor health, and the idea that I deserved more from life.

    Gradually, these things took their toll. Until suddenly I found myself in a dark and frightening place.

    This gradual, then sudden decline is not reserved for dramatic breakdowns. It’s not reserved for high-achievers, or emotionally sensitive people.

    We each face sudden declines. Moments where we realize what we’ve been neglecting, treating poorly, or taking for granted. It could be our:

    Health – the moment we step on the scales, try to walk three flights of stairs, or look at a recent photo.

    Addictions – the moment we realize we cannot cut ties to a substance, an emotion, or a person.

    Debt – the moment we are brave enough to look at our credit card statement, answer the debt collector’s phone call, or realize we’re living beyond our means.

    Clutter – the moment we realize how materialistic we’ve become, how much money has been spent on stuff, or how entitled our children are.

    Time – the moment we realize we’ve watched more than sixty days worth of television in a year, the months are passing with little to show for it, or the reflection in the mirror is ten years older than we remember.

    Relationships – the moment we realize we haven’t spoken to our best friend in months, seen our grandmother since Christmas, or played CandyLand with our kids.

    Either we’ve stopped paying attention to what’s important, or we’ve decided that not knowing the truth of our situation is preferable to seeing the reality.

    Unfortunately for us, there will come a moment when things snap back into focus. And that moment will build gradually and arrive suddenly, leaving us reeling.

    Turn It Around by Embracing What Matters

    Just like the decline, the ascent will be gradual.

    When my husband picked me up from my parents’ house that evening three years ago, we drove home in silence. Our daughter was sleeping peacefully in the back seat and I felt relief. That night’s rest was the first uninterrupted sleep I’d had in years.

    Over the years, I have turned things around. I am happier, healthier, more engaged, and more content than I have ever been.

    As I realized my life had been one big, precarious balancing act, I began to see what was and was not important.

    Establish Priorities

    I took the time to work out what truly mattered. Once I removed the expectations, the comparisons and the thought that I “deserved more from life” it was quite simple to see what my priorities were.

    My husband and children, love, creativity, health, spirituality, joy and beauty. And importantly, making the time, space, and energy to experience each of these fully.

    Your priorities are likely very different to mine. But ask yourself, “If I took away the expectations, comparisons, and entitlement, what would be most important to me? Where do my priorities lie?”

    Embrace Mindfulness

    Initially, embracing mindfulness and really engaging with my family, friends, and work was terrifying. What if I was lacking? What if I didn’t like what I saw? What if they didn’t like what they saw?

    Over time I discovered there is so much more to experience in life by practicing mindfulness. Taking the time to engage in fierce and real conversations, to notice the exact shade of lavender in a sunset, to be completely in the moment. There is depth and joy right there.

    Care for Your Self

    I long neglected my own health—both physical and mental. But as I started my ascent I began to see huge benefits to time spent on myself.

    Counselling, time spent alone, eating clean foods, drinking less alcohol, sleeping more, exercising regularly, rising early—these changes all assisted my ascent.

    When you are unwell or in poor health, you can’t fully engage with those people and things that matter .Too much of your energy will go towards simply getting through the day. So ask yourself, “What is one thing I can change today that will help improve my health?”

    Find Contentment

    Learning to be content with my circumstance has helped me live a far more meaningful life since my breakdown. Finding contentment has brought peace and gratitude and happiness, where for years there had been none.

    I no longer feel like I deserve more from life. I know I can work towards goals and dreams—and I do, every day—but I no longer feel entitled to them. It’s incredibly liberating.

    If you can find contentment in life where you are right now, the pressure, the anxiety, and the stress of needing to be more simply disappears, leaving you free to actually pursue your goals and dreams from a place of peace and acceptance.

    Is Today the Day?

    Is today the day you turn things around? Or will you wait for the sudden realization that you have arrived at a place you didn’t want or expect to be?

    The beauty of it is, you don’t have to wait—you can choose to turn it around today.

    Photo here

  • Reclaim Your Authentic Self: 4 Steps to Recover from Bullying and Abuse

    Reclaim Your Authentic Self: 4 Steps to Recover from Bullying and Abuse

    Sitting and reflecting

    When I was in fourth grade, a girl from another class bullied me. I was in the bathroom during class when I heard the door creak open and whooshing shut. There was silence for a moment, then the girl’s hands appeared on the top of the stall door, followed by her face.

    “Whaddaya doin’ in there?” she asked.

    I quickly covered myself and replied as nicely as I could, “I’m using the bathroom.”

    “Well, hurry up,” she said. “Because I want to go.” There were three other stalls, so I knew I was in trouble.

    I had no idea who this girl was. I’d seen her on the playground, but I didn’t know her name, and to this day I still have no idea why she wanted to antagonize me.

    I finished my business and thought about just waiting to go out until someone else came in, but she was banging things around, and I didn’t want to be trapped in the stall if she decided to crawl under the door. So I walked out.

    The first thing she did was grab my glasses off my face and throw them against the wall. I ran over to them, afraid they were broken. I knew I’d get in trouble at home if they were.

    I picked them up, and as I turned around, she slapped me hard. I fell back against the wall, not even knowing how to defend myself in a fight, but I was lucky. She turned, and with her nose in the air, flounced out of the bathroom.

    I carried the fear from that experience, and others, for many years. After growing up in a very dysfunctional family, I had no idea how to express all the feelings that tumbled around inside and threatened to engulf me.

    When I was in my thirties, I began reading books like The Drama of the Gifted Child and For Your Own Good, and I finally began letting go of thirty years’ worth of repressed emotions.

    Over the last two decades, I’ve distilled the process of letting go of old emotions into four simple steps.

    Even though it’s simple, the process is not necessarily easy because it can be painful to look at old memories and hurt feelings that have been with us for many years, or even a lifetime.

    But clearing out the “emotional storehouse” opens the mind to more possibilities, restores self-esteem, and leads to a rediscovery of the authentic self, which has been trapped underneath all the repressed feelings.

    Here are the four steps:

    1. Figure out and acknowledge what you’re feeling.

    Is it shame? Sadness? Despair? Anger?

    2. Find a private place, and let yourself express that feeling.

    Cry, punch sofa pillows, shake your fists, throw rocks into a pond—whatever helps.

    Let your body do whatever it wants to do. You can also journal, but the feelings move out faster if they’re physically expressed, because emotions are stored in the musculature of the body when they can’t be expressed.

    3. Tell yourself you can let go of that feeling.

    You don’t have to keep holding it inside. Call up the witness part of you to comfort yourself as you express your emotions, and remind yourself that what you’re feeling is not who you are; it’s only a feeling that will pass.

    If you feel like you can’t let go of the feeling, ask yourself, “Why? What do I need to look at? What is holding me back from letting go?” A past event or experience will often surface if you ask with a feeling of curiosity and let yourself be open to any answer that comes. You may need to go back to Step 2 if this is the case.

    Repeating this step over the course of several days gives your subconscious mind time to bring the issue to the surface, and you may find that it’s easier to let go of it piece by piece instead of all in one fell swoop.

    If you’ve experienced a deep betrayal of yourself at some time in your life, your processing time may be longer than someone who hasn’t had many traumatic experiences. Be sure to be compassionate with yourself as you go through the process.

    4. Help yourself remember that life can be good.

    After you’ve let go of some feelings, call a supportive friend to talk about something else, go to a movie, or join a group that’s going to a fun place. Anything you enjoy doing is fine.

    When someone hurts us, it’s human nature to hold on to the hurt because we think that somehow, if we can figure it out, it won’t be as painful. But you hurt yourself all over again when you hold on to a bad feeling—thinking about past experiences can drag you down and make you miserable over time.

    It feels much better to let them go; just let their energy drift out of your body and mind. Once you do, you can see everything a little more clearly and be a little more in touch with your authentic self.

    Of course, it’s always prudent to seek help if your emotions seem too overwhelming or if you find that they prevent you from functioning in life.

    But if you continue this process over a period of time, eventually the old feelings will become a memory rather than a shadow that lives with you day in and day out, and you’ll be living more from your authentic self than from your past experiences.

    Photo by Frank Kovalchek

  • Don’t Respond to Drama and Drama Won’t Come Back Around

    Don’t Respond to Drama and Drama Won’t Come Back Around

    “When you are not honoring the present moment by allowing it to be, you are creating drama.” – Eckhart Tolle

    One day several years ago, I was fraught with anxiety over with how to handle an uncomfortable personnel situation at work. I had an employee that was borderline explosive and insubordinate. I was a wreck over how to best handle the situation because before I was this employee’s manager, I was her friend.

    I found myself wanting to fix the problem by delving deeper into her drama, wanting to know why she felt a certain way, what I had done to contribute to it, and how we could work it out.

    Don’t get me wrong, I am all for conflict resolution and open communication. However, in this case, my employee was demonstrating signs of intense emotions that had the whirlwind energy of a cyclone.

    Her behavior and outbursts were unpredictable and inappropriate for the workplace.

    Her complaints, when listened to with close attention and discernment, were emotionally charged from unresolved personal wounds from the past. The drama— the whirlwind frenzy—was playing itself out in our present time employer/employee relationship, but it had nothing to do with me.

    I knew I needed to step back from this situation to calm my own reaction and fear. I too was becoming overly emotionally charged because of my own insecurities and unmet needs as a new manager.

    I was about to try to resolve her personal pain by bringing in my own whirlwind frenzy of emotions. Not a good idea.

    I needed to practice mindfulness and step into a space of neutrality. A space where my drama and baggage had a zero electrical charge. A space where her pain could not feed off of my pain.

    Was I successful? No.

    However, I did learn a big life lesson that I have been successful with practicing since this encounter: Don’t respond to drama and the drama won’t come back around.

    Drama loves more drama. Pain loves more pain. Negativity loves more negativity.

    With the practice of mindfulness it is possible to not respond to drama. If drama comes into contact with neutrality, it fizzles.

    How is it possible to not respond to drama? The first step is to recognize drama when it is in front of you. It is also critical to recognize if you are bringing the drama.

    Here are three ways to recognize signs of drama:

    You feel passion.

    Passion can be a wonderful experience. It can also fuel dysfunctional behavior and cause you to react without thinking.

    Signs that you are feeling passion include feeling a rush of energy pass through your body, a red face, an increased heart rate, butterflies in your stomach, flared nostrils, or shaky hands.

    Passion can also show up as emotionally charged thoughts and judgments. These include strong feelings of right or wrong, disbelief, blame, sadness, or a vehement desire for justice.

    The words spoken and behavior demonstrated don’t match.

    If someone is saying one thing and doing another, this is a sign of drama. Do not be fooled. What you see is exactly what it is.

    Be the witness of your experience and observe this discrepancy. If someone is telling you they do not mean to be rude, but proceed to offer a berating or condescending comment, trouble is in front of you.

    It feels urgent.

    Very few things in life are really urgent. Urgent qualifies as escaping from a burning building or swerving to miss an oncoming vehicle.

    Many times drama presents itself in the form of pressure that feels urgent. A false sense of urgency can be imprinted on you from another person’s frenzy of charged emotions. Urgency can also emerge from feelings that you are responsible for someone else’s situation.

    If something is not life threatening and you are told it needs to be done right now and you feel a sense of compression or fear, chances are, drama is in front of you.

    Once you practice recognizing drama, you are better equipped to not respond to it which in turn, allows drama to dissolve and stop in its tracks.

    Try these three practices to not respond to drama:

    Observe your body sensations, thoughts, and emotions.

    Mindfulness meditation teaches us to be the witness of our experience. It teaches us that we are not our bodies, not our thoughts, and not our emotions. It teaches us to develop a witness consciousness and be the third party observer of our experience.

    The more you are able to be the witness of your experience instead of identifying with the experience, the more easily you are able to discern the truth and make better choices.

    If you notice your heart rate increasing or your face flushing, let that be your cue to physically step away from the situation. Be present with your sensations and use your breath and mindfulness skills to bring you to a state of physical and emotional homeostasis where your muscles are relaxed and your breath is slow and even.

    Once the body, thoughts, and emotions are back to neutral, re-approach the situation from a grounded and centered place.

    Create a sense of spaciousness.

    Many times being around drama feels like compression, buzzing, or a whirlwind.

    You may notice you holding your breath as lots of people talk at once. You may notice drama feeding off of itself as voice speed, volume, and tone increase.

    Create space in these situations by softening your facial muscles, letting the jaw slightly part, gazing downward, and breathing slowly. Pay attention to the abdomen as your breath in and out to bring space to the body.

    By bringing space to the body, you bring more space to your thoughts and less opportunity to react. Your spaciousness also serves as an orientation point so the drama around you can loosen its grip. By loosening its grip, there is more opportunity for change.

    Sit with the discomfort.

    Not responding to drama is a practice. Not responding to drama means silence. It means not asking questions that take you deeper into the scenario. It means not agreeing or disagreeing, either with words or body language. Not responding means neutrality and not lending energy to the person or situation.

    This is a challenging practice. It feels uncomfortable.

    The most powerful thing you can do to remove drama from your life is sit with the discomfort of not responding.

    What you practice strengthens and gets easier with time.

    If drama comes into contact with neutrality, it fizzles.

    By not lending energy to something you do not want, you immediately create a closer connection to what you do want.

    If you want less drama in your life, drop your drama at the door. If you want more peace, be more peace.

    And remember…don’t respond to drama and drama won’t come back around.

    Peace to everyone and enjoy this practice!

  • Get Some Perspective: 4 Ways to See Yourself and the World Differently

    Get Some Perspective: 4 Ways to See Yourself and the World Differently

    Self Reflection

    “Your outlook on life is a direct reflection on how much you like yourself.” ~Lululemon

    Several months ago I wrote an article that sat for months without being published. A few weeks ago the editor emailed me to say how pleased she was with it and that it would post the following week.

    Since I hadn’t thought about it in a while (and she’d sent me the preview link), I figured I’d check out her edits and re-read the post. As I sat back and took in what I wrote, I was genuinely astonished at how well done it was. I wrote that? It was amazing!

    I remember being nervous at the time to send it in. Then, not hearing back for a while made me even more anxious. But after taking a few months away from it, I could see that yes, I was a very talented writer.

    Sometimes it takes getting farther away from something to see it for what it really is. It’s that whole forest-for-the-trees thing. The same is true when it comes to how we see ourselves.

    Sometimes we need a little distance to help us see things as they really are. (Because really, you’re wonderful.)

    This got me thinking: How do you get farther away from yourself? As I’ve journaled and worked through my days, that question has been answered for me.

    Cultivate patience.

    Doesn’t this seem like it’s the answer to everything? It does for me these days. Any problem I have seems to be solved by patience, and getting some distance is no exception.

    My ego is usually the part of me that doesn’t want me to take risks and see myself for the star that I am. It wants to keep me from submitting my writing or taking that rock climbing class because if I fail, how embarrassing and horrible would that be?

    Not all that terrible, it turns out. But only if you’re willing to sit around and wait for the response. It can be painful to hear other people’s criticisms, no matter how constructive, and sometimes, even compliments make us uneasy, but it’s even worse sitting around and waiting for it. My ego just wants to run the other way.

    By practicing patience I am able to make it less about me and more about the task, which (surprise!) isn’t really about me at all. An article, a photo, a presentation, even cooking dinner can become an extension of myself if I’m not careful to sit within myself.

    This helps me to understand that those are simply creations that have happened through my body, my vessel. With patience I am able to see those things for what they really are and appreciate them with detachment. It also makes criticism a heck of a lot easier too.

    Help others.

    When I get into service mode, I really learn how to see my life as it truly is. It’s about a change in perspective. After I served homeless families Christmas dinners for a few years, the petty problems my family had didn’t seem to matter.

    It also made me see how great my family dinners actually are. We’ve got a roof over our heads. We can take a nap on the couch if we ate too much. Life is beautiful and simple.

    But this doesn’t just happen with big gestures. It’s all the tiny things too. My friend was filling up her tank the other day and I knew she wouldn’t take my cash, so I snuck it into her purse.

    I imagined her later opening up her wallet. Maybe she’d notice it, or maybe it wouldn’t even register. That part didn’t matter. It was about me seeing through her eyes. And that change of perspective helps me to see a part of myself that wasn’t in focus before.

    When we extend a hand, no matter how big or small, it offers us the chance to step outside ourselves for a minute and understand more of the big picture. And when we can do that, we see our role in it more clearly and are able to appreciate that (and ourselves) more readily.

    Embrace other points of view.

    Much like helping other people, seeing a different side to a story can help you see yourself more clearly. I remember speaking with a close friend about suicide when I was younger. I was lamenting how terrible and selfish it was when she spoke up that perhaps that soul just wasn’t ready for this world.

    Instead of immediately discarding her point, I was struck by how it had never occurred to me. While I marinated on it for the next few days I really got a chance to consider myself from a different angle. Was I compassionate toward myself and give myself permission to have differing, sometimes even contradicting opinions? Did I encourage myself to open up like my friend did?

    I could see that yes, sometimes I did, and I congratulated myself for that in a way that I couldn’t have done before. But beyond seeing myself in a different light, it also opened me up to the fact that I can have more than one feeling about something and that that was okay.

    In fact, it showed me that it’s important to honor all parts of myself. I felt more whole and free after that.

    We can all benefit from listening and considering other points of view. Even if we don’t agree, it can give us a chance to consider if we’re honoring all parts of ourselves. And that is truly a blessing.

    Live in the moment.

    This sort of seemed like a contradiction to me at first. If we’re living in the moment, in our bodies, how on earth can we see ourselves more clearly? How exactly are we getting farther away? I realized, however, that when I’m truly present with what I’m doing and in my body, that I am much more connected to the world and those around me than when I’m multitasking and running around like a headless chicken.

    For instance, the other day I was listening to a class and trying to do some home improvement at the same time. I dropped what I was trying to hang on the wall and started feeling sorry for myself. Now I had to stop and fix everything and replay the part of the class I missed. I was so completely stuck in my own world that I couldn’t see that I was getting in my own way.

    On the other hand, I was raking the yard last weekend and was making an attempt to be in the moment. When I realized that I needed to water the trees and flowers as well, I stopped. I told myself I could do that after I finished putting the leaves in the compost because they’d get wet if I didn’t. Because I was present in my body, I could see what was around me and was able to make better decisions.

    When we’re not present, we’re on autopilot. We make choices without even realizing we’re affecting our futures. If you can try to stay present, you’re able to see those choices you’re about to make and slow them down. This helps you see yourself differently.

    That autopilot choice to pull into the fast food joint: Is that really what my body wants or am I choosing what has been put in front of me? That mindless judgment you’ve made about someone in line at the coffee shop: Is this really how you feel or are you masking emotions like jealousy or anger?

    Most of us struggle with seeing things from a different perspective. And many of us have to really work to view ourselves in a new light or give ourselves positive feedback. I know I do.

    I hope that considering a few of these tactics will make it easier for you to pat yourself on the back and widen your horizons. It certainly has for me.

    Photo by Justin Scott Campbell

  • Becoming More Positive When Negativity Feels Instinctive

    Becoming More Positive When Negativity Feels Instinctive

    “Dwelling on the negative simply contributes to its power.” ~Shirley MacLaine

    If you have ever felt the depths of depression, you know it’s not the same as being sad or having “the blues.” It’s the hopeless, overwhelming feeling of melancholy where nothing, not even the people you love, can pull you out.

    It can feel like being under water in the ocean while the waves keep washing over you, pushing you further and further underneath, while no matter how hard you try, you can’t seem to break the surface to get that much needed air in order to survive.

    Unfortunately, I am no stranger to this foe, this unwelcomed presence of darkness. I suffer from chronic depression, and it has followed me around for many years, letting me know that it will never completely disappear.

    For a long time, I thought of myself as a victim. It always seemed that others had it much easier. I felt so alone. While I knew there were others out there who suffered from mental illnesses, it was hard to not have a “poor me” attitude while living in it.

    I got to the point where I wouldn’t even try to go beyond taking a pill every day to stave off the depression. I felt hopeless most of the time. Even in good times, beneath the surface, there was sadness over the impending doom that I knew would eventually take over again.

    The last major depression I had was a year ago. I had to move back in with my parents (at age 34) when I was jobless, hopeless, and had just hit rock bottom. This has happened more times than I care to admit.

    But this time was different because I was determined to crawl out of that dark place and never fall back in again.

    I had a choice—I could either keep going down the same old traveled road where I knew all the stops and turns, or I could veer off in a new direction, one that might lead to inner peace and happiness.

    I decided to take the road less traveled. It has not been an easy one because I’ve hit plenty of bumps and I’ve also crashed into a wall or three. The biggest challenge was finding decent mental health care, since I had spent years searching for it, to no avail.

    After finally finding a good psychiatrist and getting my medication tweaked, I added some much needed therapy. This has helped me come to terms with the fact that, while my chemical imbalance is something that I was born with, I wasn’t controlling my illness; it was controlling me.

    This last year has truly been a turning point for me. Keeping a journal of my thoughts in both good times and bad has led to an epiphany about the way that I think.

    I realized how hopeless I had been for so many years. I was so jaded that I truly believed I would never lead a happy life due to my mental illness.

    I used to think that happy-go-lucky people had never experienced any hardships. I now realize that while those people actually do have problems, it’s their attitude that gets them through the rough times.

    Unhappiness generally occurs not because of what happens in a person’s life, but because of how that person thinks about what happens.

    I now know that while I cannot change what has happened in the past, my attitude and outlook in the present will help me deal with whatever happens in the future. Having control over my thoughts will make my inner world a place of freedom instead of a prison.

    I’ve become determined to be one of those happy people. But that takes work—lots of work!

    My negative mind rejected the idea of any positivity at first. Slowly but surely, using affirmations in my daily life has provided much needed guidance in my ongoing metamorphosis into a positive person. It takes practice to train your mind and you have to work at it each day, but it can be done.

    So how does someone become a positive person?

    Work on erasing that negative song playing over and over in your mind.

    Replace that track with a positive tune and make sure it is one you can dance to!

    Use daily affirmations. Two that have helped me are:

    “I willingly accept things as they come, even if I don’t like it.”

    “How I respond is always my choice.”

    Keep reminding yourself of the good things in life.

    It could be something simple—for example, that you have a roof over your head or that you have plenty to eat.

    Take care of yourself physically and it will help you mentally, as well.

    Exercise, eat well, take vitamins.

    I have to remind myself often that change is not going to happen overnight, and it will take more than a few months to be able to become the positive person I desperately want to be.

    I’m trying to talk to myself in the same compassionate way I would talk to a friend. I am working on seeing each incident in my life as beneficial to me in some way.

    In the last year, I have started yoga. Quieting my mind has proven to be quite a difficult task to master, since my brain is a blabbermouth. However, each breath helps be in the moment. I’m still pretty inflexible, but I have goal poses that keep me motivated.

    I have also started to meditate, which has proven to be even harder since, even though I have no trouble being still physically, that talkative mind of mine won’t quiet. I was frustrated until I started to use some daily affirmations and chants. I’m now able to channel and squash all those negative thoughts that pop up.

    I have also found writing to be a passion. Putting my negative thoughts on paper helps me to identify the distorted thinking that can still occur from time to time. It also helps me spin those thoughts into positives and look at things from a new perspective.

    Negative thoughts may creep back in sporadically, but I remind myself that how I respond is always my choice. If I have problems, they occur because I still have more to learn.

    Since I control my thoughts, I can decide to think positively about anything. My happiness ultimately depends on me.

    When I feel those creepy incessant thoughts start bubbling around in my brain, I remind myself that it took time for me to fall apart, and that means it may take a substantial amount of time to put myself back together again.

    While I hope I’ll never experience depression again, I know that I may. I also know that next time I feel it looming, I won’t go down without a fight. I’ve grown as a person and I am stronger today because of it.

    Many people say that you are who you are and you can’t change. I don’t think that’s true. It may take a long time and there will be days when those negative thoughts creep back in, but anyone can be more positive if they really work at it.

  • Emotionally Overloaded: Are You Taking on Too Much of Other People’s Pain?

    Emotionally Overloaded: Are You Taking on Too Much of Other People’s Pain?

    “All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.” ~Havelock Ellis

    I would have done anything for my friends, until one of them nearly broke my heart and spirit. He was my best friend. We felt like platonic soul mates.

    We had a standing lunch date every week, called each other terms of endearment, cried together, laughed together—the standard best friend things.

    Then, tragedy struck him. Over and over.

    His long-time partner left him. Then he lost his executive-level job. Next, he had a string of major medical issues that put him in the hospital.

    He needed ongoing weekly treatments to stay alive. His restricted schedule and constant pain made him unable to find work. He ran out of money.

    One day he cried all through our lunch, and then asked for a loan so he could pay his bills that month. I gave him more than he asked for and plenty of time to pay it back.

    He needed an organ transplant ASAP, so I got tested to be a living donor.

    I listened and was there even when my mood and physical energy were drained because of his tears and constant complaints about his life being “a mess.” How could I not be there? He was going through hell.

    But so was I. But I felt like my problems were nothing compared to his, and he needed me because he had very few other true friends and a completely estranged family. We were best friends. It was my job to keep him company and to try to help him in any way possible.

    And then, one day he never confirmed our lunch like usual. He never showed up at all, and would not return my calls and texts. I got ahold of his other friends and family, and the following two weeks were possibly the worst of my life.

    He had turned to drugs to cope with the pain. It turns out he had been putting on an act in a lot of ways. The money I loaned him was probably to buy meth. I felt betrayed, confused, but mostly scared and panicked. I couldn’t lose him.

    I did everything in my power over those two weeks to help him. I got in touch with his family and landlord.

    My phone was constantly buzzing with calls and texts, alerting me to his increasingly bizarre behavior—passing out in his hallway, urinating off the fire escape, casing the hotel next to his apartment for money and food, throwing all of his possessions into the dumpster and putting items out on the sidewalk to be taken away.

    He was trying to end his life. Numerous calls to police and wellness checks resulted in no benefit; he would appear of “sound health and mind.”

    He was smart, and had been involuntarily committed to the psych ward months earlier after a friend thought he was a danger to himself. He knew the right answers to give, and blamed his physical condition on his disease.

    He’s an adult, I was told. No one could force him to get help. But I kept trying every trick in the book to make him see the light and keep fighting for his life.

    Then, he cut me out. He stopped communicating entirely. I received a cashier’s check, no note, in the mail for the remainder of the loan. After years of almost daily contact, he was gone.

    And then, he died.

    The stages of grief hit me hard and fast. But one emotion hit me hardest of all: guilt. I felt I had missed something that would have saved him, like I had not done enough. But mostly I felt guilty because part of me felt relieved I could finally stop worrying about him. I could refocus on myself and healthier friendships.

    I had begun dreading many of our lunch dates. Would he be “a mess” again, crying in public, full of pessimism, unable to hope for a better tomorrow? I started taking on these emotions. Friends pointed out to me that my mood plummeted after time spent with him.

    Being his friend had simply become way too heavy a burden than I was able to carry. He was beyond help, because he chose not to help himself. He taught me three valuable lessons that have transformed the way I approach relationships.

    1. Trying your best to help someone is more than enough.

    Make a genuine but practical, self-caring effort. Sometimes you can’t do anything to help.

    2. If you start suffering ongoing, negative consequences from a relationship, it’s time to reassess.

    Maybe you need to be open about how the relationship is affecting you. Maybe you need to step back a bit and treat the relationship more casually. Or maybe you need to walk away.

    3. Everyone’s struggles are valid and important—especially your own.

    Don’t think that your issues aren’t serious or worthy of your attention just because someone you care about it going through “bigger” things. You can’t take care of anyone else if you don’t take care of yourself.

    If you have someone in your life who needs help, it’s okay to help carry part of their load temporarily, but you need to unload if it starts weighing you down too much. A best friend is their own best friend first.

  • Do You Define Yourself and Your Life Negatively?

    Do You Define Yourself and Your Life Negatively?

    Man Sitting

    Growing up on military bases I learned to make friends quickly. My family moved a half dozen times before I was out of the second grade, so I didn’t have many other options. But while living on base it was easy, because all us military brats were in the same boat.

    In third grade my dad retired from the Air Force and we went to live in a small town just south of Nashville, Tennessee. Once we moved everything changed. Instead of living with the sons and daughters of service families, I went to school with the children of the southern nouveaux riche.

    New Kid In Town

    Instead of making friends quickly, I struggled. I was teased and I developed quite the temper. I acted out in class and one day on the playground I tackled one kid and drug him several feet by his hair.

    Though getting picked on was hard, what was worse was what I started doing to myself. But once I started, it was hard to stop. To this day this habit still haunts me in big and small ways.

    Accentuate the Negative

    What I started doing to myself in third grade was defining myself in the negative. I started believing and telling myself I wasn’t likable. I wasn’t like the other kids. I was outside the group.

    Now, in some ways this was true. I was different from the other kids in ways. But my difference was situational, not inherent. I just didn’t realize that.

    I thought there was something wrong with me. I took this thought and internalized it; I turned it into a story about myself, and then I told it again and again.

    A Not So True Story

    It became true for me, perhaps in the same way some of your stories have become true for you. Now I’m 32 years old and I still am afraid that I’m not likable. I struggle to make friends even though I’m social and outgoing.

    I discount the friends I have and struggle to trust that they really like me. All because of this definition that I wrote for myself when I was in the third grade.

    But I know it doesn’t have to be like this. I don’t have to live trapped by these old definitions. For all the definitions I still have I have overcome many others.

    Overcoming Obstacles

    For years I smoked pot and defined myself as a stoner. Now that I don’t smoke and rarely drink, I now prefer being alert and attentive. I no longer define myself as a stoner.

    For years I was argumentative about everything. “Yes, but,” were probably the first word most people heard me say. Though I can still hold my own in a debate, I don’t feel the need to constantly object in every setting. In high school everyone you asked would have said I like to argue. But now people talk about how calm I am.

    The same thing that makes defining yourself powerful is what makes overcoming it possible. The only person who decides how you define yourself is you.

    Sure, people reflect that definition back to you, but if you stop doing it so will they. It’s not an easy thing to change, but it is changeable. And you can do it in 4 steps.

    Notice.

    Start paying attention to moments when you define yourself. When do you stop and ask yourself if it’s really true? And what if it wasn’t true? How can I act in way that free’s me from this definition?

    Record.

    As you start to notice write down your own negative definitions. Getting them out of our heads makes them seem even sillier. It also helps us separate from them. When we create space around our definition we create the potential to change them.

    Redefine.

    Next write down and the start to define yourself in positive ways. Action follows definition, so if you define yourself as a runner, you will become one. If you define yourself as honest, you will work to be more honest.

    Our lives resonate on a deep frequency with what our heart sets forth.  If we strike the chord of our aspirations, our lives will“ vibrate in kind. If we strike the dissonance of our criticism our lives will ring out of tune.

    Stop.

    Stop defining yourself in negative and limiting ways.

    Stop being afraid to see yourself as brave, bold, and courageous.

    Stop letting your old definitions limit who or what you can become.

    Stop keeping your hearts desires locked away.

    Instead, tell yourself and tell the world what your life is about. Not by talking the talk, but by living it. Ghandi once said, “My life is my message” What kind of message do you want to leave behind?

    Photo by Michael

  • 8 Limiting Beliefs That Keep Us Stuck (and How to Overcome Them)

    8 Limiting Beliefs That Keep Us Stuck (and How to Overcome Them)

    “Smile, breathe, and go slowly.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    For almost three years, I’d been living out of a suitcase, relocating every three to six months. To some people, this lifestyle sounds adventurous and exciting. But anyone who’s ever lived like this understands how exhausting and scary it can be: I felt unsettled in my career, unhappy in my relationships, and completely alone in the world.

    While I knew I was unhappy and that I wanted to make a change, the truth is that I felt completely stuck in the lifestyle I’d chosen for myself. When I brainstormed about what was preventing me from taking action, this is the list I came up with:

    • I lack motivation.
    • I procrastinate too much.
    • I don’t have time.
    • I don’t have enough resources.
    • It’s too late to change.
    • I have too many responsibilities.
    • I have no clue who I am.
    • I have no clue where to start.

    It was then that I realized the only thing preventing me from making a change was a long list of limiting beliefs.

    So let’s explore how these eight limiting beliefs keep you (and me!) stuck:

    1. I lack motivation.

    Do you really, or are you burned out? This type of burnout usually indicates that you are in an environment that leaves you feeling drained and unsupported. When this happens, you may even start to call yourself “lazy.”

    In my case, it took so much energy to get through the day and to figure out where I was going next that the thought of making changes was exhausting.

    Examine your external environment: What situations and people are draining you? Do you feel supported? Do you really lack motivation, or are you just burned out?

    2. I procrastinate too much.

    Procrastination is a symptom, much like a fever, stomachache, or headache, and it usually boils down to one thing: fear.

    For me, it was the fear of stepping away from the freedom I thought I had in a lifestyle with minimal attachments. It was also the fear of failing, of not having all the answers, and of making the wrong decision.

    What is your procrastination a symptom of? What are you afraid of?

    3. I don’t have time.

    A quote by Lao Tzu says, “Time is a created thing. To say ‘I don’t have time,’ is like saying, ‘I don’t want to.’” Perhaps the real issue is that you don’t really want to change.

    There was certainly a part of me that didn’t want to change; there is something very freeing about having so little stuff. I also liked traveling and seeing the world. But once I clarified what I did and didn’t like about my situation, I was clearer about why I’d actually take the time to make changes.

    What parts of your current situation do you like, and how are they affecting your desire to move forward?

    4. I don’t have enough resources.

    Focusing on external resources, like money, credentials, and skills, is another tactic we use to give ourselves permission to remain stuck. But lasting change starts internally, with things like energy, willpower, clarity, and passion; and as your internal resources start to grow, your external resources will naturally start to grow as well.

    At the time, all of my internal resources were completely depleted, and as a result, I wasn’t using my external resources effectively or efficiently. As I watched my external resources slowly drain, I became more internally drained. So it became a vicious cycle.

    What in your external environment leaves your internal environment feeling uninspired, unsupported, and lifeless? Are you using your external resources effectively?

    5. It’s too late to change.

    Focusing on some arbitrary time and date by which you’re supposed to have accomplished X, Y, and Z means neglecting to enjoy the amazing journey unfolding right in front of your eyes. After all, who created this timeline by which you’re supposed to live your life anyway?

    In my situation, seeing friends getting married, having children, and buying homes left me feeling more and more trapped by my current situation. Eventually I realized that the real frustration was that I was spinning my wheels in directions that didn’t even make sense. I didn’t want what my friends had, but I didn’t want what I had either, so I felt like I was just wasting time.

    Do you hold yourself to an arbitrary timeline by which you’re supposed to have accomplished X, Y, and Z? Do you compare yourself to others? What do you really want to change in your life, and what baby steps can you take in that direction?

    6. I have too many responsibilities.

    If you feel like you have so many responsibilities that you can’t manage to carve out time to start changing your life, then chances are your “responsibilities” have become an excuse for not taking care of yourself.

    At the time, I was taking on way too much emotional responsibility for the people around me, and it was leaving me feeling empty and lost. I was neglecting my own needs, and I was neglecting to take responsibility for my own life.

    Who and what are consuming your time and energy? Are these people and situations really your responsibility? How can you start to take responsibility for your own life?

    7. I have no clue who I am.

    If you feel like you don’t know who you are, then chances are you’ve been neglecting yourself for a very long time.

    When I finally stopped long enough to ask myself why I felt stuck, I quickly realized I’d never taken the time to really figure out who I am or what I wanted in life; instead, I was just bouncing from thing to thing, hoping something would stick.

    What do you want in life? Where do you want to see yourself in 6 months? A year? What are your values and goals?

    8. I have no clue where to start.

    Depending on how you chose to look at it, not knowing where to start can either be liberating or completely overwhelming. But it’s usually just an excuse. If there is no clear place to start, then there is no wrong place to start!

    I developed a daily practice and started spending time alone each day exploring and rediscovering who I am. I tried new things until I uncovered what I wanted, and from this awareness I created an action plan for change.

    Start somewhere—anywhere. Will you commit to spending time alone, each and every day, to explore these limiting beliefs? Because when it comes to making changes in your life, all you need to do is “Smile, breathe, and go slowly.”

  • When People See the Worst in You: Perceptions Aren’t Always Accurate

    When People See the Worst in You: Perceptions Aren’t Always Accurate

    “If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people.” ~Virginia Woolf

    If you’ve ever listened to someone’s description or opinion of you and it sounded completely alien, you probably found yourself wondering where on earth they were coming from.

    We are told that on a universal, spiritual level, the way you perceive someone is more than just an opinion; it’s actually a reflection of you being projected onto that person.

    So if someone tells you that you’re beautiful, kind, or have a good heart, they can only do so because those qualities are present within them. Conversely, if you see someone as dishonest, unkind, or manipulative, that’s because you, yourself, are projecting those parts of you onto the other person.

    When I was going through the depths of healing from adultery and my marriage breakup, I recalled a lot of things my ex-husband told me about myself—some of which I accepted, a lot of which I did not.

    It was very important to me to use forgiveness, self-love, and a sense of perspective as my tools to move on. I worked hard on my own issues, and accepted responsibility for the things within me that had brought me that harsh experience.

    But I have always struggled with this concept that “you can only see in others what you have within you.”

    It’s not because I only want to believe the good things people say about me, or because I think I have no bad traits.

    It’s because when dealing with unacceptable or in some cases abusive behavior in life, it is very difficult to hear and accept that the negative conduct you have received from someone else is simply your own darkness being brought into the open, and nothing to do with the other person.

    This was how I had always interpreted such teachings, and doing so made me feel worse about myself instead of better.

    I now understand that it is possible to witness or observe a behavior objectively, for what it is, without necessarily being that yourself.

    This is true of both positive and negative interactions. For example, I can acknowledge and deeply admire those who can speak publicly with great confidence, but I don’t possess this ability.

    This is not a defeatist attitude or low self-esteem talking; it’s simply an observation. Likewise, I can see someone’s behavior toward me as negative or destructive, but know I’m not like that. I no longer feel the guilt of believing that in order to have observed it, I must be like that too.

    What I believe is that we all have is the potential for the behaviors we are being shown.

    I know that I have the potential for great public speaking, and I know I have the potential for manipulative or intolerant behavior. But though can I recognize these traits in others, it’s not who I choose to be right now.

    This is not intended as way to avoid responsibility for your own behavior, or an opportunity to judge others while saying “but I’m not like that.” But it is important to know, especially when we are feeling emotionally vulnerable, that sometimes it isn’t about us; it’s about them.

    Here are three ways of working out whether what a person says about you is really a reflection of themselves. It’s also useful and healthy to use this exercise from the opposite perspective to see if you are ever projecting your own issues onto another:

    1. Is their opinion about me something I’ve felt about myself?

    We have a deep knowledge of our own psyche—our fears, our dreams, our abilities, and our strengths and faults.

    Does what the other person is saying ring true on any level? If they are saying great things but the words sound hollow to you, it won’t really be about you. But if your heart lifts when someone calls you generous, it’s because you know you are, and they have struck a lovely chord.

    2. Is their opinion about me something I’ve been shown by other people?

    Although trusting your own inner knowing is vital, we are interactive creatures with varied experiences of each other.

    Unless you have a real Jekyll and Hyde personality, other people’s perceptions of you will be largely similar. So, if one person is telling you that you are arrogant and stubborn, while everyone else sees you as kind, patient, and tolerant, then it’s most likely that this one person is bringing their own issues into what they are saying about you.

    3. Do they have another agenda?

    Does the person telling you about yourself want something from you emotionally or physically? Are they speaking to you, or about you, from a place of love, or fear?

    If they have an agenda, then what you are being told about yourself, whether good or bad, is likely to be manipulation on their part and no reflection on you.

    So why are we being told and shown things by others’ behavior if it’s not actually about us?

    I believe that the actual message, whether it’s “you are selfish” or “you should be a professional dancer,” is not the end purpose of the exchange.

    It’s what we learn about ourselves from our response that really matters. Is the comment something we need to pursue or let go of? Does it require a reply or acknowledgement? What does it say about us if we accept what they say, or don’t?

    The things being presented to us through other people’s actions or words simply show us what we are capable of, not necessarily what we are.

    For me, encounters and interactions with others are ripe learning opportunities for growth. We learn to use discernment, tolerance, compassion, and gratitude. We are shown the potential to be strong inspiring and happy; we are also shown the potential to be fearful, negative and unloving.

    What we choose to be is up to us.

  • How to Be Your Real Self and What’s Been Stopping You

    How to Be Your Real Self and What’s Been Stopping You

    Hiding

    “The more of me I be, the clearer I can see.” ~Rachel Andrews

    This past year has felt a lot like I was running through a supermarket, naked.

    But not as chilly.

    As a life-coach for women, one of my brilliances has to do with supporting women in showing up fully as their shining, marvelous selves—and guiding them through all the work of facing fears, looking at self-worth, re-training brains to focus on abundance and feeling powerful, vs. scarcity and victim-hood, and so many other powerful pieces.

    I make no secret out of the fact that I have had to do all this myself in order to lead women through their own work.

    And working on visibility—showing up as my unique, in-progress, human self—has been at the center of most of the deeply transformational work I’ve had to do in the last year.

    As I’ve worked on building my ability to serve women, I noticed that I, myself, was hiding from shining fully. I was not showing up authentically, not speaking my whole truth, not reveling in who I am and how uniquely different from other coaches I am (as each one of us is!).

    Why was I hiding? What was going on that I was standing halfway in the shadow, afraid of shining in my brilliance, afraid of being 100% revealed as who I am and what I’m here to say?

    I was hiding for several reasons:

    • I had stories about what a successful female business owner “looked” like—and I wasn’t it.
    • I had stories about how I handle (or don’t handle) money—and deep fears about my ability to be responsible if I made a lot more money.
    • I had stories about showing up as an example of a woman building a life I love living because I told myself women wouldn’t look at my life and want to create something similar.
    • I had deep, unhealed wounds from being little, when I felt like I wasn’t seen or heard, when I felt like making my needs known didn’t necessarily get them met.
    • I also found powerful fears around being seen that were created as a pre-teen walking around the streets of NYC and feeling like a target for verbal abuse from men, which made me shrink myself really small so I wouldn’t be attacked.

    When you figure out what’s keeping you from showing up, you can learn how to heal it and move forward, into the light of what you love.

    Why might visibility as your authentic self be important for you?

    • Visibility as your authentic self enables you to create work you love.
    • Visibility as your authentic self allows you to form satisfying romantic relationships and rewarding and supportive friendships.
    • Visibility as your authentic self affects your ability to be generously compensated for the work you do.
    • Visibility as your authentic self affects your ability to create healthy boundaries for yourself.
    • Visibility as your authentic self reflects in your self-care and health—how clear you are about what you need, and then how fully you’re able to ask for what you need and prioritize it for yourself.

    Here’s what I’ve learned:

    The more authentic, honest, and visibly I show up in my life, my business, my friendships, my parenting, and my relationship, the better everything gets. Because everything I create is being built on a rock-solid foundation—a foundation of who I am at my wonderful, loving, talented core.

    And that stuff doesn’t wash away.

    So why are you hiding? See if any of the following reasons resonate for you:

    • It didn’t always feel safe for you to be visible.
    • You’re afraid you might offend, alienate, or intimidate people if you show up authentically.
    • People might not like you, might be jealous of you, or might get angry at you if you said what you think.
    • Success is terrifying.
    • You’re afraid of failure.
    • You have stories about why you’re not _____ enough to be who you are, have what you want, do what you love.
    • You’ve spent so much time hiding who you are, you’re not even sure what’s underneath anymore.
    • Who has time to be authentic?

    Take a second and write down for yourself, right now, how hiding from visibility or your authentic self has seemed to serve you.

    Now, write down how letting go of any fear or resistance to showing up fully you could serve you—what might become possible if you were to show up fully, 100% visible, and authentically you? What might be yours?

    When you are able to see how it once might have served you to hide, to be small, to stay quiet, you’ll be able to begin the work of releasing those old fears and beliefs and step out, into your light.

    Photo by findingtheobvious

  • The Importance of Self-Love: See the Beauty Others See in You

    The Importance of Self-Love: See the Beauty Others See in You

    Beautiful you

    “When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.” ~African Proverb

    A young woman in my town died recently. The cause was a drug overdose, although the precise circumstances of her death were unclear. She was a recovering addict, and the rumor was that she had relapsed. There was even some conjecture that her death might have been deliberate.

    In the end, no one was sure of anything except that she had died.

    The town in general and my family in particular were sent reeling. This girl was young, pretty, sweet—a talented artist who was loved by many, many people.

    Since her death, having compared notes with numerous people, I’m stunned to witness how many lives she touched and at how deep a level.

    For example, one close friend remembers her as his son’s first girlfriend. And my own son, who now lives in Central America, became close friends with her just before moving.

    My daughter met her several months ago and was excited by the prospect of getting to know her. (Both girls were artists and they had decided to get together soon to draw, paint, or maybe just hang out.)

    As for me, I met her about six years ago when I was bartending in a local inn. It was the middle of the night and she had just had a violent fight with an abusive boyfriend. She was a crying mess. I took her home to my own house so she could sleep in safety and peace.

    We loved each other instantly, and after that night we promised to pursue the friendship, although we never did. Occasionally, we would send warm greetings to each other through a third party. Often, I would run into someone who knew her but in fact, I never saw her again.

    I came to learn a lot about this girl second-hand. For example, some years earlier, she had dated the brother of a close friend and given birth to his son. It was then that she fell into the addiction.

    Because of her addiction, the baby was taken away from her to be raised by grandparents. This was the repetition of a pattern as she, herself, had been raised by a grandmother because her own mother was unfit. 

    Happily, in the case of her infant son, the baby’s young father stepped up to the plate and took over raising the child, since she wasn’t together enough to do it herself.

    After years of struggle, she’d finally cleaned up her act and was living on her own. It was during this time that she met my son. They spent some time together and he came home talking about her.

    She was struggling and unhappy, although she was painting again. But nine months later, she was dead.

    Looking at pictures of her at the memorial service brought back strong memories and feelings for me. In particular, I remembered the feeling this girl conveyed the night we met: despite her beauty and warmth, her low self-esteem was painfully apparent.

    During the days surrounding her death, countless tears were shed: My friend and his son cried together; my daughter and I consoled each other through our tears, as she described their meeting…

    “Mom, the very first thing she said to me was that I was beautiful and I was like, ‘No! You’re the beautiful one!’ I can’t believe it but she actually didn’t know how pretty she was.”

    My daughter’s words chilled me as I remembered… When I first met her, this lovely young woman looked up at me from a place of pain and said, “You’re beautiful. You’re so beautiful. I wish I were beautiful like you!”

    With that memory, the pieces fell into place: this attractive, kind, and lovely woman was able to see beauty everywhere except in the mirror. 

    Our entire town gathered together to mourn her death. What struck me most was how many people loved her and how many lives she impacted, and yet she had been oblivious to her own value and power.

    Had she known how many hearts she touched, she certainly would not have died so early and so pointlessly.

    It’s always a sad and unnatural thing when a young person leaves the earth, but in the case of my young friend there is a lesson to be learned.

    If we adjust our perspective away from the sadness of the story, we can observe that this lovely girl gave her life so that those around her could learn what she herself did not know: that self-love is not only desirable; it is crucial.

    In fact, without self-love we are in danger of losing our very lives.

    In our Judeo-Christian culture, we are taught that self-love is narcissism, and therefore, a sin. But actually, narcissism is not self-love at all but in fact, its direct opposite.

    The narcissist is obsessively concerned with self because underneath that obsession lies malignant inferiority and self-doubt. The stock of self-love is so depleted that there is not enough self-absorption in the world to fill the void.

    All love must begin with self-appreciation, for if we do not value ourselves, how can we ever honestly honor someone else? It is only when my being becomes a container, filled to overflowing with radiance, that I am able to convey that radiance to another.

    Personally, I refuse to allow this exceptional woman’s death to be meaningless. In her honor, I determine from this moment forward to see beauty and value in all of life, including in myself.

    I will appreciate my qualities and lovingly tolerate my defects. I will treat myself with compassion and gentleness. I will honor my feelings and speak my truth. I will ground myself in the present moment and live in life’s flow. I will receive the gifts that I was born with, as well as those the universe offers me on a daily basis, and I will share those gifts with the world.

    If we all do the same thing, this one life and death will no longer be a tragedy, but will become the pebble in the pond that sets in motion a ripple effect of love.

    Photo by Kiran Foster

  • How to Recognize and Help When Someone Needs Support

    How to Recognize and Help When Someone Needs Support

    “When we get too caught up in the busyness of the world, we lose connection with one another-and ourselves.” ~Jack Kornfield

    After planning the next three months of my life in my head, trying to focus on my breath and recounting the plans for tomorrow, I decided my battle with insomnia was going to win. I got up, careful not to wake my husband, and decided to start reading.

    Nestling into the lines of my latest library book well after midnight, my phone began to beep.

    Even in the most quiet of the night, are we ever really alone?

    I thought to myself, who else could be awake at this hour? It was my twin sister all the way across the country, struggling with insomnia herself. Ready to share my latest updates with her, something in me encouraged me to ask how she was doing and why she was still awake.

    It was in the stillness of the evening that I slowed down to think of someone other than myself.

    I wondered, if the sun was brightly shining and I was carrying on with my own busyness, would I have answered her text message? If I were rushing through the day, would I have noticed her hint of sadness?

    She recounted the daily stressors and recent disagreement with a friend. In her written words, I sensed an echo of loneliness, a tinge of yearning for connection.

    So often in the busyness of our own self-absorbed lives we fail to notice when others are in need of connection. If we are in need, can’t we recognize that others are too?

    So many of us feel alone in our day-to-day trials, but as I remember learning as a young girl, when we focus our love on others, it betters our own hearts too.   

    How to take a few minutes out of your busy day for others:

    1. Do not hesitate to make the call.

    My sister-in-law started a movement within our family. Nonchalantly one night, she mentioned on my voicemail, “I decided if I’m thinking of someone to call right in that moment—and so I’m calling you,” she said.

    It does not take too much time just to say hi. Even if you cannot talk long, the gesture of your voice might be the song someone needs to hear.

    2. Write it out the old fashioned way.

    I’m a lover of stationary and stickers—the Internet’s nemeses. Nowadays, our mailboxes overflow with countless bills, excessive ads, and unwanted insurance offers.

    Be daring and surprise someone with a note, even if it’s just a few short sentences. You’ll only spend a few cents on postage, but your thought and care will be that bright treasure amongst the gloomy pile of trash.

    3. Imagine if it were you.

    When we hear about others’ problems, often times our objectivity offers a healthy perspective. Other times, however, it distances us from the emotional heartache and pain of those in need.

    When you hear the weakened voice of a loved one or look into fading eyes, try to open yourself wider and truly see the situation from their perspective. Genuinely saying, “I hear you” creates understanding and connection.

    4. Listen.

    I’m a talker and a fixer. When I hear someone’s problems, halfway through the story I want to rattle off my suggestions. But sometimes, we just need to vent. We need the ear of another to soak up the words of our wounds.

    I am learning this more and more each time I need to cry out and am not heard. We all have so much to say so often, so many times silence and a gentle nod of acceptance is what we really need.

    5. Think of your mother.

    What did we need when we were younger? Our mothers. No matter how diverse or painful our relationships were with our mothers or if they are no longer with us, we can all become that wise-feminine soul to stabilize the masculine vigor of our modern world.

    While action, goal setting, and swiftness are much needed, so are vulnerability, softness, and nurturing elements.

    6. Become a comedian.

    We hear about the positive biological impact of laughter. Be an advocate yourself. If you have offered time and encouragement, lighten the setting with a little laughter. Be sure to gauge your joke as not to offend but rather soothe.

    As my sister and I completed our novel length texts back and forth, she appreciated the words we shared and I saw our conversation as a compliment of her trust in me.

    We may not all have those two o’clock in the morning bonding opportunities with our siblings as the rest of the world dreams, but we all have twenty-four hours to seek out a wounded soul in need of our light.

     

  • Making Friends When You’re Afraid People Won’t Understand You

    Making Friends When You’re Afraid People Won’t Understand You

    Friends

    “The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.” ~Elbert Hubbard

    Tonight I am troubled because I have graduated college, and as I am looking back, I am hyperaware of my losses.

    In the past few years, I have had the opportunity to make many friends and lose many friends, largely because of my inability to understand and articulate my bipolar disorder to others. I am ashamed at times because of the mood swings that others seem to dismiss as problems that are “all in my head.”

    I have lost countless friends, have had relationships end, and have had family members retract because of my seemingly endless cycles of depression and sudden elevation that makes it nearly impossible for others to “sync up” with me.

    It feels as though I am eternally trapped sometimes; even with medication and therapy, this illness still manifests itself in subtle ways, making intimacy (which I equate with understanding) very difficult.

    I have personally known friends and family members with disabilities and illnesses of their own who isolate themselves because they think the challenge of relating to others is too much.

    And I sympathize with them—it sometimes really is! These friends have started seeking out others with other illnesses; they’ve decided to select friends with similar traits versus values.

    It may seem like seeking out those similar traits will lead to understanding, but it won’t necessarily lead to solid relationships. Shared illness and disabilities don’t guarantee shared interests and priorities.

    Illnesses and disabilities don’t tell us who people are as people; it’s really about what they do with the cards they are dealt that reveals their character.

    Some people choose to align with others with similar traits because it’s easier than discovering what their values are. However, the connections made with values are a lot more authentic because values are self-made, not pre-determined.

    And as much as I personally want to give up on seeking these connections sometimes, I remember that we are all different in our own way, and most of us feel like there is some sort of deficit in us one way or another.

    If it’s not bipolar disorder, it may be one’s weight that one is unhappy about, one’s health status or family baggage that holds one back from putting oneself out there to the world. Vulnerability is hard!

    I don’t want to limit myself to only those who can understand me because they have the same illness. I am far too curious about the lives of others as well, although sometimes it is disheartening because I haven’t always had this reciprocated.

    I am conflicted about whether I should live a life of transparency and be upfront about my mental illness to those I meet because I am so afraid of being judged.

    The point is, I have put myself out there before, and the fact that I take personal responsibility, admitting that my moody behaviors have shocked, hurt, and offended others before, makes it both liberating and frustrating.

    I almost want to stop letting new people into my life; the weight of rejection feels like too much sometimes.

    There are a few things I remind myself to get out of this rut.

    1. The more I get to know myself, the more I can predict my tendencies and practice self-care.
    2. The more honest I am with others, the more honesty I am inviting from them, and the more likely I can help set the tone for intimacy.
    3. The more people I come to contact with, the more likely I will come across individuals who might be healthier for me and be in a place to work with me.
    4. The more people I come across, the more practice I will have in learning understanding, self-control, and compassion.
    5. The more I obsess about making a mistake with a new person, the more likely I will.

    Therefore, despite my failed friendships and relationships, I have strong conviction that the strongest relationships are those with deep commitment—and that the first and strongest relationship should be that which is with yourself.

    I have committed to not let past fears and rejection hold me back. This commitment is a type of freedom in itself, and a small model of what I can aspire to in relationships with others.

    Have you ever felt limited by the fear that others won’t understand you? What’s helped you overcome it?

    Photo by Nicole Abalde

  • 5 Ways To Embrace Ending Friendships and Relationships

    5 Ways To Embrace Ending Friendships and Relationships

    “Celebrate endings, for they precede new beginnings.” ~Jonathan Lockwood Huie

    One day when I was a kid, my best friend and I decided that we were going to bury a time capsule in the backyard. We gathered an old shoebox, some glitter and paint, and then spent the whole afternoon decorating this box that was the symbol of our best friend status for life.

    We filled it with some of our favorite items and pictures and then wandered around the yard in order to scope out the perfect location to bury our sacred box. We dug what we thought was a deep hole, placed the box inside, and covered it up.

    We made a pact to dig the box up together in five years.

    Not even five days passed before we were sprinting toward our special spot to dig up our friendship, only to discover someone had beaten us to it. As it turns out, my brother and his friend were watching from behind a tree as we buried the box a few days prior. Curiosity got the best of them.

    Unpredictable circumstances altered the outcome of our time capsule, just like growing up and having different interests altered the outcome of our friendship.

    Where did my childhood friend and I go wrong? We were supposed to be best friends for life. Life I say!

    Or maybe we didn’t go wrong. Maybe friendships and intimate relationships come with an expiration date of sorts.

    I’ve had many friendships I thought would last my whole life, but life surprised me, as it often does. As I look back, each friend or relationship that I’ve had made perfect sense for me that time in my life.

    I believe people are brought together for each person’s maximum spiritual growth. When the growth is done, it’s time to move on.

    That spiritual growth could take two minutes, two weeks, two months, two years, or a lifetime. Either way, when the time comes, the most powerful thing we can do is allow ourselves to move on and trust that everything is happening exactly as it should.

    Sometimes outside circumstances seemingly force our relationships to shift and move apart; other times it’s a decision you consciously make to walk away. However it happens, below are some ways you can move through changing relationships in the most positive and powerful way possible:

    1. Don’t be afraid to move on.

    As you learn and grow, so do your friendships and relationships. I really noticed this when I started committing to a spiritual practice every day. My circle of friends completely shifted. This is nothing to fear.

    It’s not a “good” or “bad’ thing, but it’s important to understand that throughout our lives, people are going to fall away. And who knows, they might be back, but all you do know now is that you’ve learned all that you can from each other at this time.

    When relationships and/or friendships end or shift, there is nothing to fear. Whether or not you realize it, everything always works out the way it’s meant to.

    2. Take responsibility.

    If the breakup was messy, or the friendship ended in a not so positive way, take responsibility for it. When you get to the point where you no longer blame someone else for how you feel, miraculous shifts occur.

    I often turn to my inner guide, the voice for love within me, and ask, “What is the spiritual lesson here?” Your power is always hidden behind the people and circumstance that disturb you the most.

    As some of my recent friendships evolved and fell away, I’ve discovered areas within myself that needed to be healed. The purpose of the relationship or the friendship was to show me those areas. Relationships can be amazing tools that catapult us to another level of peace and love.

    3. Trust that you always have everyone you need.

    This tiny idea can bring massive amounts of peace to your day. What if you woke up every morning knowing that every person you needed that day would be brought to you?

    I try and start my day with this idea because I immediately stop trying to control my reality, and instead, trust in my inner guidance a whole lot more.

    There is no one missing from this moment whom you need right now. If you’re sitting in a chair with no other bodies around, that’s because in this moment, your soul does not need anyone else to learn from.

    4. Get ready for new friendships and relationships.

    When you create the space for friendships and relationships that are not working to fall away, get ready, because new people who are more in-line with what your soul most needs to learn are on their way! This only becomes a fearful process when you forget that you’re always guided and that everything happens for you, not to you.

    5. Release your guilt.

    As I got more and more committed to praying, connecting to my true self, and meditating, I felt deep in my heart it was time for me to make some shifts in my outer world. That decision involved moving across the entire country, far away from family and all my friends.

    At first, a few of my close friends couldn’t understand why I was leaving, and for a brief moment I felt guilty about it. But I had to follow my path and trust that new people and experiences were on their way.

    Other people may not understand why you’re making the decision to move on, but that doesn’t matter. You can’t control what other people think. Always trust your heart and never feel guilty for it.

    No matter what, remember that every encounter is holy. Every person is a reflection of you. As you change, move, and grow, the reflections around you also change. Embrace them!

    There is no need to fearfully cling to relationships and friendships that are not working anymore. Rather, get excited about the new ones that are surely on their way. All changes are helpful.

  • A Surefire Way to Improve Your Life: 7 Reasons and 5 Ways to Be Mindful

    A Surefire Way to Improve Your Life: 7 Reasons and 5 Ways to Be Mindful

    “People usually consider walking on water or in thin air a miracle. But I think the real miracle is not to walk either on water or in thin air, but to walk on earth. Every day we are engaged in a miracle which we don’t even recognize: a blue sky, white clouds, green leaves, the black, curious eyes of a child—our own two eyes. All is a miracle.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    I remember it clearly, the day it all began to click. People talk about epiphanies that changed their lives in an instant, and mine was no different. Problem was, this change turned into a ten-year journey of slow and sometimes painful self-discovery.

    I was standing outside with my wife and a friend. I don’t recall what we were talking about, but I do recall listening to my friend before he blurted, “I hate when you do that, Josh!”

    I was confused, so I asked, “Do what?”

    He replied, “You stopped listening and now you’re thinking about the next thing you’re going to say.”

    My confusion turned to embarrassment. “No!  I don’t do that—do I?” I looked at my wife—she nodded in agreement.

    That moment changed my life. It was like hearing a starting pistol go off on a project that would eventually take me down a rocky path of self-reflection over the next decade, but it was a feeling I never wanted to experience again.

    I’m not referring to the feeling of shame and embarrassment or being “caught,” but the feeling of knowing that my lack of awareness was the cause of others’ suffering.

    I desired to be a better husband, father, and friend, so I began studying mindfulness, which led me to conduct doctoral research on how mindful presence affects our everyday interactions.

    What I discovered was a set of seven principles we can all expect from becoming fully immersed in the present moment:

    1. Mindful presence creates a heightened awareness of what we do in the moment…

    …including thoughts as they arise, our actions taken as a result of those thoughts, and the impact of those thoughts and actions on others.

    2. Mindful presence is the catalyst for self-reflection.

    Simply put, the more present we are, the more we compare that moment to previous interactions, facilitating greater change for the better.

    3. Mindful presence nurtures unconditional acceptance, particularly in our close relationships.

    As things happen and we maintain presence, we are more likely to accept them without judgment.

    4. Mindful presence evokes interaction.

    As we immerse ourselves into the moment, others notice. As they notice our presence, it creates gravity, drawing us closer together. As we become present, we see others inviting us into interaction, because people want to be around others who are willing to invest time.

    5. The more aware we are of the greatness of others, the more likely we will feel pride for those we care about.

    As we feel that pride, we outwardly express it and others notice.  This encourages others to strive further through the very initiative we nurtured through our presence.

    6. In moments of mindful presence, we are more likely to experience savoring the moment as we marvel in wonder at the simplest beauty.

    Heightened appreciation adds color, depth, and richness to everyday experiences.

    7. The self-reflection referred to in #2 above results in a greater capacity for gratitude.

    As we reflect, we savor, and as we savor, we become thankful.

    Wonderful, right?  If I was reading this list, I know I would feel drawn toward acting more mindfully, but the next question is, how do we get there?

    Here are five ways mindfulness can be practiced and refined. I encourage you to try them all on a regular, rotating basis:

    1. One of the simplest methods is to walk with no destination in mind.

    This could be done at a trip to the store, around your neighborhood, or even at your local mall. Let go of all thought of a schedule or an agenda, and simply allow yourself to go wherever your mood takes you. Surrender yourself to the flow.

    Interestingly enough, driving reduces the angle of your field of vision by up to 75%, depending on speed. Walking allows you to see more of your surroundings, so take it in, but remind yourself as you walk: there is nowhere more important for you to be than right here, right now.

    2. Eat your food and consume your drink as if they were your last. 

    Sure, dinner might have been a cheap frozen dinner, but how would you eat that same meal if you knew it might be your last? Would you slow yourself down and savor it more? What would this do for your appreciation of what you consume.

    Another way of eating involves not taking a single bite or drink until you have silently thanked each and every individual responsible, from the farmer who cultivated the tealeaf, to the trucker who shipped it, to the grocer who placed it on the shelf.

    Once you ponder all the hands that work to provide you that opportunity, you begin to develop more appreciation for even the simplest of things.

    3. Next time you’re stopped at a red light, take the time to breathe deeply, filling your lungs and emptying them completely.

    Count how many of these you can do during a stoplight. As you breathe, look around and notice what is around you. What are others doing? What are their stories?

    You’ll be surprised at how much easier it becomes to accept a green light that just turned red.  No longer will you feel rage at being hindered, but you may even begin to anticipate your next opportunity to stop and reflect.

    4. Next time your phone rings, resist the urge to answer.

    Let it ring a couple of times as you collect your thoughts and prepare to answer. Think about the person calling. What do they look like? What frame of mind are they in? Even if this is an employee in Sri Lanka calling to collect a debt, what is life like for that person? How many irate Americans have they talked to before you? 

    5. Finally, before bed, take fifteen minutes to sit in silent darkness.

    Take note of everything you experience, from the sound of a fan to the sensation of your backside against whatever you are sitting on. Breathe slowly and deeply, allowing yourself to let go and simply be. You’ll be amazed at how well you sleep after this!

    Each of these trainings is designed to cultivate the act of being intentionally focused on the events of the moment as they unfold and to accept them without judgment.

    Becoming mindfully present is a miracle, but an attainable one, and one we can all experience, each and every day, surrounded by the ones we love.

  • 5 Meditation Tips for People Who Don’t (Yet) Like to Meditate

    5 Meditation Tips for People Who Don’t (Yet) Like to Meditate

    “Don’t wait for your feelings to change to take the action. Take the action and your feelings will change.” ~Barbara Baron

    I own a series of CDs called “Classical Music for People Who Hate Classical Music.” We know we should like and listen to classical music—they’re the classics after all! But when I actually find time to listen to music, I reach for Mumford & Sons, not Mozart.

    Some of us have a similar relationship with meditation.

    We know we should meditate—it has so many mental, emotional, and physical benefits, and who couldn’t use a bit of slowing down in their busy life? But when we actually find that bit of time to ourselves that could be used for meditation, we instead turn on the TV, reach for the iPad, or mindlessly page through a magazine.

    When I first became interested in establishing a meditation and mindfulness practice, I approached it intellectually: I read a lot of books, downloaded apps for meditation, and even considered taking a class at a local Zen meditation center.

    The more I learned about it, the more I knew I had to incorporate these practices into my life. So I read even more, and I did so much reading that I didn’t actually meditate!

    Why not? Well, honestly, meditation seemed a bit boring. And I didn’t think I was very good at it. I’d close my eyes, count my breath, and then start making grocery lists in my head and worrying about the un-crossed-off items on my to-do list.

    I found I loved the idea of meditation, but I didn’t want to practice meditation. I consider myself a left-brain, idea-loving gal, and if I have some free time, I want engage my mind, not quiet it!

    Has this happened to you? Is meditation your equivalent of a great classic of literature, which Mark Twain once described as something that everyone wants to have read, but no one wants to actually read?

    Ultimately, I came to develop a meditation practice in conjunction with my therapy for depression and anxiety, and it has changed my life for the better. I’ve learned that with meditation, the process of doing it, is the whole point, not checking the “done” box.

    I would like to share some tips to help those of you who, like I did, want to meditate, but don’t actually want to start meditating! Each tip combats one of the reasons we may give for not starting a meditation practice.

    1. I don’t have time!

    Yes, we are busy with careers, children, homes, and social obligations, but we all have five minutes to stop during our day and breathe.

    If you wanted to train to run a 5K, you probably wouldn’t start your first workout with a thirty-minute hard run. To begin a meditation practice, start slowly. Start with five minutes a day, then work up to eight, then to ten, and so on.

    You can also practice mindfulness meditation while eating (paying attention to the tastes and sensations as you eat), walking, cleaning, or any other task you do in your busy day. Can you find times in your day to bring meditative and mindful attention to what you are already doing?

    Additionally, you may find that regular meditation actually saves you time. By becoming more mindful, you’ll be less likely to make forgetful mistakes that take even more of your precious time to fix!

    2. It’s so boring! If I’m going to take time for myself, I am going to read and think!

    Yes, we love to think, but there is also beauty in quieting the mind. If you really want to get your thinking fix through meditation, however, there are meditative practices that engage your mind.

    For example, you could meditate on a short reading or scripture, or focus on a mantra for your meditation. Meditation and mindfulness are not just “sitting there thinking of nothing.” There are a variety of ways to practice.

    You can also find plenty of guided meditations online that give you something to focus on and help you develop your practice.

    3. I’m not good at it!

    Well, that’s kind of the point! Meditation is not about “emptying the mind,” but about observing the mind.

    If you find in your meditation session that your mind has wandered to the events of the day, or planning for the future, you simply bring your attention back to the breath. And the fact that you have noticed that your mind is wandering is great!

    It means you are good at it. You observed the actions of your mind. You are become more mindful. (And there’s a reason it’s called a practice—it’s something you’ll continually work on improving.)

    4. But when my mind wanders, it’s to planning, and worrying, and that seems far more important than meditation.

    Yes, we have to live in the world. We have to plan and organize—but not all the time. A strategy that has been effective for me (especially in yoga class) is to allow myself about five to ten minutes for the planning, thinking about what I need to do when I get home, or whatever else is occupying my mind.

    By getting it out of the way, I can then focus mindfully on my practice. When you sit down to meditate, write down those concerns or the to-do list items before you begin. Then set them aside—they’ll still be there when you’re done, and you can approach them with a fresh perspective!

    5. I don’t know where to begin!

    Take your cue from Nike and Just Do It! You won’t improve your cardiovascular health by reading about Zumba classes, you won’t start liking classical music if that CD collects dust on your shelf, and you won’t experience the amazing benefits of meditation until you begin your practice.

    Start small and go easy on yourself. In fact, it might be easier if you change Nike’s advice: don’t just do something; sit there!

    And just like with exercising, you may find that after a few weeks of continuous practice, meditation doesn’t feel like effort, but it becomes something you want to do, and something you truly like doing. Maybe even while listening to classical music.

  • When Relationships Change: Growing Together, Not Apart

    When Relationships Change: Growing Together, Not Apart

    Walking Together

    “Change is inevitable. Growth is intentional.” ~Glenda Cloud

    I got married three years ago right out of college. We had been together since freshman year, and lived together for two years. Still, we didn’t fully understand what was coming our way.

    I remember my parents telling me, “You know, marriage is a lot of work. It requires effort.” I fervently assured them that I understood, because I thought I did. But understanding something conceptually and experiencing that thing are two different animals.

    Our first year of marriage was fine. To be honest, I don’t remember too much about it. It was more of the same; just a couple of kids having fun.

    What I did not know then was that tiny hurts and resentments had begun to creep up on us. I believe these were unspoken, unconscious issues that had been present but overlooked throughout our relationship.

    The manifestation of these problems was subtle at first. It was just our usual way of operating; little jibes at each other, veiled judgments, stubborn protests. Nothing new, but something had changed.

    My wife took up Tango. I didn’t. She started going out more often. I stayed at home more and more. The rift that had already occurred between us had just been unmasked.

    We started fighting more often. In some cases, they were brutal, malicious, screaming fights. At a certain point we began to “accept” our situation.

    I decided I would just deal with it and do my best. But my idea of dealing with it was mortally flawed. I stopped protesting to her outings, and she began to spend more and more time away from home.

    The resentment built up inside both of us. There was almost no real communication happening. Sure, we had our good days, but in general, we cried more than we laughed.

    Finally, one night my wife didn’t come home. Neither of us called or texted. I went to bed alone, as I was wont to do those days, but I woke up in a panic around three in the morning when I realized she still wasn’t home.

    Then, I called, texted, worried, and repeated the process for two hours. She finally arrived home at 5am. She had been dancing all night. She did it to hurt me, because she was hurt.

    We were both in so much pain.

    The next day, we sat down with each other. I said that we could not go on this way. We both admitted how angry we were at one another. We were not well-versed in this type of conscious conversation, so we talked in circles.

    Yet, it was a turning point.

    We made two decisions. First, we would seek out couple’s therapy. Second, we would take a trial separation. This was heart wrenching. How had we gotten to this point?

    We began couple’s therapy and shortly thereafter realized that we both needed individual counseling. We were dealing with deep-seated emotional issues that we had never before confronted.

    The first eight months of counseling were difficult. During that time, we separated twice for a month each time. But once again, something had started to change…for the better this time.

    Our arguments slowly became less enraged screaming matches, and more constructive, intelligent conversations. This took months and many little breakthroughs.

    We started spending more quality time with each other, making the decision and the effort to really be with one another. We resolved to listen and stay present, and to be honest about what we were thinking and feeling. If you’ve been in a long-term relationship, you know how difficult that can be.

    Now, a year and half later, my wife and I are still in counseling, but our relationship is better than it has ever been. We make it a point to sit down and have a check-in conversation at least once a week, if not more.

    We have learned to compromise on our social endeavors. She still dances. In fact, she’s an incredible dancer. And I go with her when I can (though I’m no good). In turn, she spends more evenings at home with me when time and work permits. 

    Ultimately, what we learned was that if there was to be communication, we had to speak and listen to one another with intense presence, honesty, patience, and compassion. And above all, we realized that we had to accept that our relationship was changing, that it needed to change.

    When our problems first surfaced, things had stagnated. In many ways we had resisted change: the transition from student to working adult, from boy to man, from girlfriend to wife. But if we’re always resisting we never see what is right in front of us (or inside of us).

    What I’ve come to realize is that often we leave things unsaid because we believe broaching the issue will be more trouble than it’s worth. In turn, we get defensive when our partner is critical, even in a constructive way.

    In both cases, we are resisting what is and the opportunity to grow. It is a recipe for resentment, anger, and ultimately, apathy.

    I urge you to think of yourself in this light. Whether on a large or small level, how often do you resist what’s going on inside of you? No one wants to feel annoyed, hurt, angry, or sad. But if we feel that way, we must accept. Otherwise we suppress and miss an opportunity for self-growth.

    Only when we make the decision to acknowledge what is really there can we take the first steps toward healing. When that happens, we stop fighting the truth and are able to loosen the grip on all the pain to which we are so accustomed.

    Nothing is ever perfect, but we must remember that to live and to love is to change and to grow. We can resist it all we want, but change is inevitable.

    Growth, on the other hand, is conditional. It only happens when we choose to embrace change one moment at a time.

    Photo by Garry Knight

  • Opening Up to the Possibility of Love: 3 Things to Remember

    Opening Up to the Possibility of Love: 3 Things to Remember

    Sunset Couple

    “Love takes off the mask that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.”  ~James Arthur Baldwin

    I sat silent on one end of the phone. I could hear my own breath and heart pounding in my ears.  I was sitting on the precipice of greatness, and all I had to do was express what I was feeling. Sounds relatively straightforward, so why did I feel so anxious?

    To say that I have worked hard at rediscovering my authentic self would be an understatement. I have been on this quest in one form or fashion since I was seventeen, so about seventeen years now. And I have made significant progress, if that is the most correct way to label my journey.

    I have struggled with eating disorders and self-acceptance and self-love and compassion and kindness for others. I have done away with meaninglessness in my life for the most part. I have gotten away from placing importance on material possessions and have worked to simplify my life.

    I am more content and sure of myself and who I am than I have ever been. So why would uncomfortable silence throw me for such a loop at this stage in the game?

    To be perfectly honest, although I have demonstrated gains in areas of my life, I have yet to find someone who is a kindred spirit. As I have come to know myself better, I have been better able to express and identify what I truly want in a partner. That being said, dating has been less than successful.

    More often than not, dates have ended with blank stares from across the table when I open my mouth about my spiritual journey. I have never been able to fully express to another the very thing that defines my existence on earth, and have it received in kindness and understanding.

    So, when I met Rob for the first time, he literally took my breath away. I immediately detected his soul, his compassion, and passion for life. I recognized his connection with his feelings, and yet his ability to not take the whole process too seriously.

    In him, I saw myself. For the first time, I did not feel alone. I did not feel different. I felt like I was home. 

    So, back to the phone call: the reason I was so nervous was that, although I had this intense connection with Rob, we were at a crossroads. I could sense that we both wanted to address it, and at the same time neither of us wanted to address it.

    We were so early in our developing relationship, I felt like I needed to let him know how intensely I felt about him and how incredibly special I thought our connection was. And boy, was it scary!

    And in that moment of silence, I reflected back to helpful ideas I had used in learning to love and accept myself. Incredibly, they applied in this new relationship and how I needed to proceed in expressing my feelings.

     1. Stay present and stay you.

    During our conversation, I felt this urgent need to run and hide from the emotion building inside me. I felt like I wanted to crawl back inside my shell and disengage from the desire to open up completely to him.

    We were obviously attracted to one another, but the old voices of fear of rejection and fear of not being good enough crept back into my head. I realized that I had gone through that when I was learning how to love and accept myself.

    I had all of the preconceived notions of who I was or should be, and had to demystify all of that and realize that I am enough just the way I am. As is.

    I had to continuously get myself back to my center, to focus on the present moment and trust in the process of being my authentic self, knowing that the person who was supposed to cross my path, would.

    2. Live openly and honestly and speak from your heart.

    As I learned to accept myself, I found that speaking from my heart became easier. It’s not that we deliberately try to deceive others, but we often do a good job of deceiving ourselves.

    Trying to stop emotion and put up your defenses won’t do anyone any good. It may protect you in the short term, but you are the only one who will be harmed in the end. It will be you who misses out on true happiness and joy.

    Things may not always turn out the way you envisioned, but there is no defeat in living with pure intention.

    3. Go all in and accept that it may fail.

    Part of discovering myself again was learning as I went along. But unlike times before when I was harsh and self-defeating when I made a misstep, I was kind with myself. I gave myself some encouragement, the benefit of the doubt, and got back up and continued the best I could.

    When I finally trusted myself and accepted myself fully, I was able to mess up completely, yet be okay with it, because I knew I was doing my best and had set out with good intention.

    In the same manner, I had to realize that I am not perfect and neither is my partner. Showing compassion when there is a misstep is what will make the bonds stronger. That is how I needed to view Rob and our budding relationship.

    We had established similar core beliefs and journeys and now I had to trust in that as being the foundation for whatever was ahead of us.

    If that meant faltering and deciding we were not as compatible as we first believed, then so be it. I couldn’t be disappointed if I gave it my all and at least attempted something amazing.

    The phone call ended with me bumbling through my feelings pretty inefficiently. And wouldn’t you know it, he reciprocated and expressed relief about me bringing it up. He too felt like we had a connection and had great interest in pursuing it.

    If there is one thing I could leave you with it would be this: Don’t harden yourself to that pure emotion. Open up and welcome it in. Let it flow through you. Let the tears well up in your eyes and say the things your heart whispers. The person who is meant to hear those words will.

    Photo by Darren Johnson