Tiny Buddha

Category: Blog

  • What Not to Say to Someone Who’s Going Through a Breakup or Divorce

    What Not to Say to Someone Who’s Going Through a Breakup or Divorce

    Comforting friend

    “Good friends help you to find important things when you have lost them…your smile, your hope and your courage.” ~Doe Zantamata 

    Divorce or the end of a long-term relationship is one of hardest, if the not the hardest, trial you might be faced with in life. Unfortunately, unless you’ve experienced it firsthand, it’s very hard to believe this statement.

    For most of my fifteen-year relationship, I didn’t believe it. Sure, I commiserated with friends who were suffering through breakups, but I did so with a superiority complex, a judgment about how they got themselves into that situation through relationship neglect.

    Thankfully, I kept thoughts such as this one to myself: “Wow, get over it already. It’s been a year, and it’s not like he died!”

    Since separating from my husband (and childhood sweetheart) a year ago, I’ve learned some incredibly humbling lessons about love, people, grief, and healing, and I feel compelled to pass some of this wisdom on, specifically my insight into how to be a good friend to someone who’s relationship is ending.

    Below, I share three hurtful comments that well-meaning friends said to me during my separation, and three things that I was lucky enough to hear from other friends that I still treasure to this day.

    1. Aren’t you over that yet?

    WHAT NOT TO SAY:

    “I thought it was you who ended it, so why are you still moping about?”

    “It’s been six months and you’re still sad. Why don’t you see a therapist and get some pills or something?”

    “You were much more fun before all of this happened.”

    “You’re sobbing quite loudly, and people are looking…”

    I get it. Friends are more fun when they’re not crying into their warm Mimosas at brunch. You naturally want your friends to be happy and to feel better soon, but the timeframe of “soon” is different for everyone.

    Sadness, anger, denial, and depression are all very normal and healthy stages of the grieving process, and healing may take weeks or, more commonly, years.

    We want and need to feel supported and accepted, regardless of our mood. Being around people (especially friends) who are unhappy can be unsettling, but please know that we don’t need you to fix us or even cheer us up. We just want someone to hold our hand now and then.

    The grieving process takes different lengths of time for everyone. Please respect that whatever you consider the right amount of time to be, even if it was right for you, might not be right for me.

    WHAT TO SAY:

    “You’re dear to me whether you mourn for the next ten years or if you get married again tomorrow. Regardless, I’ll be there to share your journey. Here’s a tissue.”

    2. It’s contagious!

    WHAT NOT TO SAY:

    “I can’t imagine being single again at our age.”

    “My partner and I are very secure. We haven’t missed Friday date night in four years.”

    “I didn’t invite you, as it’s only going to be other couples. I don’t want you to feel weird or left out.”

    “Don’t try and put any crazy ideas into my partner’s head. Keep your tantalizing dating tales to yourself please.”

    Divorce/separation can’t be caught like a cold or an STD. This might seem blindingly obvious, but when announcing the end of your relationship to your married/committed friends, their defensive or threatened reactions can make it seem so.

    When we swallow our grief and be vulnerable enough to share with you that our relationships have ended, we are not suggesting that you should do the same. It is not your cue to defend your relationship, or the merits of long-term partnership in general.

    We are not actively seeking new single-friend recruits to hit the club with, and we don’t want you to drink the divorce-spiked Kool-aid. Equally, we are not trying to seduce your significant other and steal him as an oftentimes flabbier and more hygiene-challenged version of our ex.

    Everyone’s relationships are different. Some work and others don’t for an equally innumerable amount of reasons. Your friend needs a shoulder to sob against not one with a chip on it.

    WHAT TO SAY INSTEAD:

    “You’ll never be a third wheel, and regardless of your relationship status, you’re our friend. Let me know how I can best support you.”

    3. The devil is in the details.

    WHAT NOT TO SAY:

    “What went wrong? Tell me everything!”

    “Did he cheat on you? Did you cheat on him???”

    “Are you getting the house, the car, the kids?”

    “I think I saw your ex yesterday at the store; he’s lost weight, hasn’t he? I wondered what he was doing with that beautiful blonde twenty-something…”

    Events as painful as separation can provoke extreme behaviors and reactions. Destruction of property, custody battles, wars over friendships or property, or beloved pets.

    I have been guilty of watching ‘car-crash’ TV too; however, most of us recently separated are not auditioning for the cast of the next Real Housewives!

    We’re not looking to relive the often heart-breaking drama for anyone’s amusement, so please don’t ask for all the gory details or even for an explanation. There’s never just one, easy-to-define reason a relationship ends; there’s rarely a neat single-sentence summary.

    It’s never black and white; instead, it’s grey and messy, and oftentimes the justification and reasoning is not even clear in your own head, let alone trying to justify or explain it to someone else.

    In the same way you wouldn’t hammer a recent widower for all the juicy details, please show a little restrain when talking with the newly separated. 

    WHAT TO SAY INSTEAD:

    “I’m so sorry you are going through this sad time. I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you. If you need a martini and a non-judgmental ear to natter to, I’m here, with no questions asked.”

    —

    A quick note; like me this article is intentionally a little cheeky and exaggerated in parts, but even if you’re guilty of some of the friendship crimes I’ve listed, fear not! This is not intended as persecution.

    As someone who slipped up in the past, I know first-hand that there is very little guidance for those closest to those experiencing the end of a relationship. Know that it’s never too late, though. Reaching out today with the right words can make a real difference.

    The past twelve months have been the most challenging in my life, and I’m very blessed and happy to say that I was (mostly) surrounded with loving and supportive friends.

    There were times when I feared I would never get my mojo back, never feel joy or love again, but I’m starting to laugh more and cry less, and am finally finding my feet again.

    Now, I look forward to being a supportive, caring, and nonjudgmental friend for others experiencing this long and tiring transition.

    For those just starting the process of separation or a little way down this path, know that you will get through this, little by little, day by day. Don’t try and rush your healing. Give yourself the gift of time and respect as you work through the muddy waters of heartache.

    No matter how dark and lost you feel, please take my word that eventually, at the right time for you, you will find happiness again. And the support from your friends along the way will be a reminder of how worthy of love you truly are.

  • Why Self-Help Shouldn’t Be About Trying to “Fix” Yourself

    Why Self-Help Shouldn’t Be About Trying to “Fix” Yourself

    “Stop trying to ‘fix’ yourself; you’re not broken! You are perfectly imperfect and powerful beyond measure.” ~Steve Maraboli

    The other day I had some time to kill before a meeting, so I decided to go to one of my favorite places, Chapters Bookstore. When I walked in, I immediately headed toward the self-help section to pick up Brene Brown’s Rising Strong (great read, by the way).

    As I was searching for her book, I noticed an unusual number of people browsing the same shelves, searching for their self-help book of choice.

    Of course, there is nothing wrong with this. The desire to learn, grow, and be the best version of yourself is something that takes commitment, which I applaud.

    But, there was a time when going to the self-help section of the bookstore was done discreetly, not wanting others to think you needed that kind of help.

    There was this silent insinuation that something was wrong with you; you needed to be fixed because you were “working on yourself.”

    Now, with the personal growth movement in full effect, it’s widely accepted, with sales in self-help books soaring! Yet that silent insinuation has not quite fully left.

    Some who seek help increasing their confidence or decreasing self-doubt, or doing anything else for their own personal growth, believe that:

    • “I need fixing,”
    • “There really is something wrong with me,” or
    • “If I loved myself enough I would/would not (fill in the blank).”

    If you connect with what I’m saying, then I’m here to tell you that none of that is true! How do I know? I used to carry those same beliefs.

    So I ask you, why do you seek personal growth? Your answer will determine your outcome.

    I believe there are two motivators as to why people seek personal growth: love and fear.

    When you seek personal growth from a place of love, your relationship with yourself changes. No matter how many mistakes or wrong turns you feel you have made, you are willing to use those as learning opportunities, not as a reason to judge, criticize, or blame yourself.

    You acknowledge that you are doing the best you can with whatever life throws at you. You are there for yourself with acceptance, understanding, and forgiveness. As a result, true growth happens.

    When you approach self-help from a place of fear, you believe that you or your life is lacking in some way. You hang on to the hope that if you just get the right self-help book, or sign up for that life-changing workshop, retreat, or program, that uncomfortable feeling will go away and all will be well again.

    If you hang on to this belief, that is not personal growth.

    This is looking outside of yourself for happiness, self-acceptance, or inner peace, or to bring security, guarantees, or the love you desire.

    It’s a temporary fix. It will continually leave you feeling unfilled and in a cycle of looking for the next best thing to fill you up, creating more fear within you because you are not getting the long-lasting results you want.

    I was in that cycle about six years ago. The end of a promising relationship left me heartbroken.

    I was about to turn forty, I wasn’t happy with where I was in my career, and I was struggling financially. Although grateful for my supportive family and friends, I knew it was all on me to do things differently. But I was feeling lost, empty inside, and unsure of myself, and I had no idea of my next steps.

    What I had envisioned for my life up until that point was definitely not where I had landed. This scared me. I felt alone most of the time. I felt like everything was falling down around me, and it jolted me to my core.

    It opened up insecurities I was unknowingly carrying, or thought I had resolved. My self-doubt was high, and I constantly second-guessed myself. But you would have never known it, because I was very good at putting on a mask to get through the day.

    I shed many tears. I prayed for help. I blamed. I was angry. I felt cheated.

    I didn’t realize it at the time, but this was the best place for me to be in. This emotional time in my life pushed me to challenge and redefine the type of relationship I had with myself, which ultimately impacted my relationship with life.

    A self-awareness journey had begun like never before in the midst of believing I needed fixing.

    My whole life I had always dabbled in personal growth, always having a curiosity about life, the purpose of it, wanting answers on how to find fulfillment. So I felt I was pretty well versed in spiritually and well-being.

    I would soon find out that this time would be different.

    I began to soak up all the information I could on the “how to’s” of personal growth and development, to help me get to a better place in relationship with myself.

    And it did help me—to a certain point.

    While I learned a lot from books, retreats, and online courses, my subconscious intention was to fill that void within me. So nothing really stuck long term.

    All the happiness, love, and peace I felt lasted as long as my boyfriend approved of me, or people only had nice things to say about me, or I was the perfect friend, daughter, employee, or boss.

    I was still operating from a place of inner emptiness and a lack of self-love, so I didn’t fully see my own beauty. As I went deeper within, unraveling layers of myself that I had never tapped into before, some I didn’t even know existed within me, my fear started to evolve into self-love.

    I realized that we are taught how to love others, how to get love, how to be lovable, but we’re never taught how to truly love ourselves—at all, let alone unconditionally. Why? Because on some level, our society believes that it’s egotistical, not important, or narcissistic.

    What I now know for sure is that each time we depend on others or things to give us happiness, approval, to make us feel loved, important, successful, to receive guarantees, peace, or security, we give a piece of ourselves away.

    We give what is happening outside of ourselves permission to dictate our level of happiness and self-love.

    For me, that evolved into people pleasing, because I allowed others to be my lifeline to feeling good. I didn’t realize that I didn’t need fixing; I just needed to be re-introduced to who I truly was and I have always been. Whole and complete.

    Once I stopped giving away my power to everyone but myself, my relationship with myself changed, and so did my life.

    When you meet yourself with love, you allow the process of personal growth to be about fulfillment rather than filling in. You begin to be kinder to yourself, more understanding, compassionate, and supportive of your journey. The love for yourself expands.

    Self-love is not about the ego or selfishness; it’s a pure, positive, compassionate attitude toward yourself. So when we hear that voice within saying, How dare you love yourself? I ask, How dare you not?

    Personal growth is a lifelong process that is not about getting to a destination, but the journey itself. There is no right or wrong way of going through this process.

    Each of our life journeys is unpredictable. The only thing you truly have control over is yourself—your actions, your effort, your words, your fun and play, your ideas, your mistakes, or your behavior. You have the power to decide how you will continue along your journey. So ask yourself…

    Will my decisions come from a place of love or a place of fear?

    Build a solid foundation from within by tapping into your beauty, confidence, strength, resilience, and all the other good stuff that may be buried away and forgotten, so that you don’t lose yourself during life’s ups and downs.

    Know that nothing or no one can validate you, because you are already valid.

    There is no “fixing” that needs to be done, nor are you “flawed” for seeking help and guidance. It just means that you are ready to experience yourself and your life in a new way, because what you’re doing is no longer working.

    The next time you pick up a self-help book, go to a spiritual healer, hire a life coach, see a counselor, or attend a personal development workshop, let these resources be a means to support. Let them help and guide you toward true fulfillment rather than inviting them to be a substitute for your true happiness.

    You are perfect, whole, and complete exactly as you are!

  • How I Stopped Feeling Hopeless and Healed from Depression

    How I Stopped Feeling Hopeless and Healed from Depression

    “Abandon the idea that you will forever be the victim of the things that have happened to you. Choose to be the victor.” ~Seth Adam Smith

    I come from a history of abuse and mental illness on both sides of my family. I felt the effects of both growing up. By my twenties, I was a mess.

    I suffered from wild mood swings and severe depression, either lashing out or completely numb and disinterested. I was using alcohol to numb myself from reality, and it was only a matter of time before I’d end up in jail or dead.

    I saw doctors, counselors, and therapists. I was diagnosed with two mental illnesses and tried medicine after medicine. Eventually, I was taking over ten pills a day, nothing was helping, and my doctor said he couldn’t do anything more for me.

    That was when I hit rock bottom. I was shocked. My genes and terrible experiences had wrecked my entire life before I ever had the chance to really live it. It seemed that misery was all I would ever have.

    Deep in a downward spiral of hopelessness, something in me cried out that this couldn’t be it. There had to be something more. I had to be able to change this.

    I clung to that hope, and for ten years I searched for answers. I read everything I could get my hands on and took courses on anything that might help me. I tried things. I made mistakes. I worked hard to cope and to heal.

    Today, my life isn’t perfect, but I’m stable and happy. I’m in a healthy relationship. I have purpose and direction in my life. I’m finally healthy. Here’s what helped me move forward on my healing journey.

    1. Give up the victim mentality.

    I realized that you can’t make changes when you’re stuck in blame or self-pity. And letting others give you answers will only limit you to their perspective and understanding.

    Instead of looking for external guidance, I began listening to my own. I acknowledged my pains rather than avoiding them. I listened to what they were trying to tell me with the clear purpose of understanding myself better and learning what I needed to address and change.

    I had to choose not to let others or my circumstances dictate my life, but to take control and choose for myself. I had to let go of denial and accept responsibility for my actions, thoughts, and beliefs. I could blame the doctor for not being able to “fix” me, or I could take control of my healing.

    I had to learn that the only way to move forward is to recognize that I have the power to do it and then focus on the steps I need to take.

    2. Accept that change is possible.

    In my studies, I learned that neuroscience has proved something called brain plasticity—the brain’s ability to create new neuropaths, or ways of processing and responding to our experiences. We can literally alter our brain to form good habits and responses rather than be stuck with behaviors that are destructive.

    I accepted that I can change and overcome whatever is holding me back, and I started trying to do it.

    I created good memories and started new activities that nurtured my mind and soul. Then, I practiced holding onto those good feelings and memories, even when things were difficult and I was hurting.

    I learned to be patient with myself as I made changes and sometimes failed to react or do as I should, because it takes time to build healthy patterns and behaviors and replace old, negative ones.

    I explored my beliefs and my behaviors to determine what my issues were and what untrue ideals I was holding.

    I explored my family history and stories to understand that the dysfunction was a cycle passed from one family to the next, and I determined to end it.

    While my family chose to avoid talking about the past and ignore the damage done, I chose not to be afraid. I talked about and explored those things, not to rehash old pain but to validate those experiences, learn from them, and then let them go so I did not repeat them.

    3. Practice self-care.

    Healing starts with taking good care of ourselves.

    I had to give up alcohol, coffee, late nights, places, people—anything I found that exacerbated my issues or was not helpful to maintaining the healthy habits I needed.

    I got off of the meds gradually and started living healthy.*

    I set healthy boundaries in my relationships.

    I started using positive self-talk rather than allowing harsh, critical thoughts to dominate my mind. I started talking to myself like a best friend, giving encouragement and praise.

    I listened to my emotions and I honored them. I practiced acceptance and self-validation.

    I was starting a new life with new choices, and I had to commit myself.

    I couldn’t only love myself when I was happy; I had to love myself when I made a mistake or felt pain. I couldn’t stop nurturing my body with healthy foods. I couldn’t stop cultivating personal development and practicing what I learned. I realized that stopping those things would bring back the depression and instability I was fighting to overcome.

    4. Live with intention.

    I realized that I couldn’t allow myself to go through life simply reacting to everything that happened to me. I needed to think and plan ahead, and learn coping skills so that when something went wrong, I could work through it rather than be debilitated by it.

    I researched and learned cognitive therapies, one of them Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, to help me remain calm in difficult situations and react responsibly, every success strengthening my resilience.

    I became organized, scheduling and planning my priorities so that my needs weren’t an afterthought. I set healthy, realistic goals for work and personal development and strove for them knowing that consistency is the key.

    When we react to life, we’re victims of circumstance. When we set intentions and then strive to meet them, we’re consciously choosing how we want to experience the world.

    I now ask myself questions like, “Who do I want to be? What do I want to achieve? What is working? What do I need?” My healing began with an intention to change the broken cycle of my life, and I live every day determined to fulfill that.

     5. Let go of labels.

    Depressed, a criminal, a rape victim, broken, suicidal, loose, an alcoholic, mentally ill—whatever the label, that is not who you or I am. I realized that I am not defined by my issues, my mistakes, or anything else someone wants to call me or use to describe me. I am more than those things, and they do not define who I am and who I will be.

    If I let them dominate my thoughts, then I will make my decisions based on those things, and it will become my reality.

    When I look in the mirror, I choose to see someone worthy of love and happiness. I accept that she may have been denied that in the past, and I make it my mission to make sure she gets it.

    The more I practiced these things, the more stable I became. I was able to accept and let go of the bad experiences I’d had and the mistakes I had made. I made myself a new person— someone I like, someone who is happy.

    Ten years have passed since I started my healing journey, and I sometimes think that if I had waited longer, I wouldn’t have the new life I have now. I wouldn’t have healing. I wouldn’t be learning new things. I could be in a bad place or a bad relationship, or maybe I would have given up on myself entirely.

    Maybe you are struggling with illness like I was. Maybe you’ve experienced trauma or heartache and feel damaged, that your life will never be normal or happy the way it should be.

    I wanted to overcome a long cycle of illness and tragedy in my family. I chose life and healing, and I have that future for myself and my own someday family. You can too. Start today to change the story of your life.

    *Editor’s note: If you are currently on medication, it may or may not be wise for you to consider going off them. Everyone is different. Please consult your doctor before making any decisions about your treatment plan.

  • Create Peace, Presence, and Happiness: Yoga eCourse by Seane Corn

    Create Peace, Presence, and Happiness: Yoga eCourse by Seane Corn

    Inhale the present, exhale the past

    Have you ever ended a long day by stretching your arms up, almost in slow motion, while taking a deep breath through a wide-open mouth? I do this all the time, and it never fails to invigorate me.

    It’s relaxing, calming, and incredibly grounding. Nothing pulls you into the present moment and helps you let go of the past like fully embodying your body.

    Yoga’s a lot like this—except you get to enjoy this sensation over a longer period of time, and reap even more physical and emotional benefits.

    In addition to helping you build muscle strength, yoga prevents digestive problems and breakdown in your joints, improves your bone health, increases your blood flow, drops your blood pressure, and helps boost your immune system.

    Yoga can also help you relax, focus, release stress, heal emotional pain, and feel better about yourself, as well as more present—which, in turn, can help you build more satisfying relationships.

    I found yoga after a time in my life when I had hit rock bottom.

    I was completely disconnected from myself, other people, and the world around me.

    And I consistently numbed my emotions with food, booze, and cigarettes. It didn’t matter that these things made me feel physically sick a lot of the time; it was better than owning and feeling decades’ worth of repressed shame, fear, and regret.

    Yoga changed my life. It helped me feel, heal, and get a lot stronger.

    It helped me find a place of stillness in my mind, without actually having to sit still.

    Most importantly, it helped me become more mindful and self-aware. I left every class feeling like someone had scrubbed the window in my brain, wiping away everything that prevented me from seeing myself and the world clearly.

    Because I am such a huge proponent of yoga, I was excited to connect with renowned teacher and spiritual activist Seane Corn.

    Not only have I enjoyed her yoga videos, I’ve also been inspired by her non-profit “Off the Mat and Into the World,” an organization that uses yoga as a tool for global transformation.

    Since partnering with Udemy, a site that serves over 11 million students through more than 40,000 online courses, I’ve explored a few of their offerings, searching for courses that might interest Tiny Buddha readers. I believe Seane Corn’s The Yoga of Awakening course course fits the bill.

    I’m grateful that Seane took the time to answer some questions about herself and her work, and also that she offered a 30% discount on her course for Tiny Buddha readers.

    1. You’ve been studying, practicing, and teaching yoga for the past twenty years. What event or sequence of events made you decide to start a yoga practice?

    I was introduced to yoga by the owners of a café that I worked at in 1986 in NYC called Life Café. The owner, David Life and his partner Sharon Gannon, would go on to open the famous Jivamukti Yoga Center. Through them I learned about the philosophy of yoga and was encouraged to practice.

    When I first began, it was solely for the physical benefits. I wanted to become stronger, more flexible, and healthier. In time, the practice not only transformed the relationship I had with my body, it helped ground and center me, made me less reactive and more present and, in time, helped me to develop a deeper and more profound connection with Spirit.

    In 1992 I moved to Los Angeles, and I began working as a receptionist at Yoga Works in 1994. There I had more access to a variety of different styles of yoga and teachers. This diversity of practice greatly impacted me. That same year I did my first teacher’s training and began teaching shortly after that.

    2. In your opinion, can yoga change lives? Where are you now that you wouldn’t be without yoga?

    Yes, yoga can absolutely change your life! The practice provides physiological, psychological, and spiritual tools that can support true shifts of consciousness and resources to help guide choices, alter perspective, and heal emotional wounds.

    This practice can empower us to experience ourselves and the world around us as more connected and encourage us to contribute to creating a world that is happier, healthier, and more peaceful for all.

    It’s hard to imagine where I would be in my life without yoga since it has been my dedicated lifestyle for thirty years and has influenced the choices I have made along the way.

    I imagine though, that without the practice, I would have been more reactive and dramatic. I imagine I would’ve held grudges longer and had a more difficult time forgiving others, as well as myself, and wouldn’t be as interested in giving back to my community the way I am now.

    3. What was the most life-changing observation you made while studying yoga throughout India?

    The most life changing observation that I made while studying in India is the importance of ritual.

    India is a culture that begins each day and marks every important moment with ritual and prayer. This was something that I was not raised with, and I was so drawn the power of acknowledging the sacred in all moments—the miraculous or mundane.

    From that point on, prayer and ritual became important in my life and influenced the way I teach.

    4. What initial pointers would you give a new student who wants to achieve healing and emotional wellness, but is unsure of whether a yoga practice can help?

    I would recommend patience to anyone new coming in to yoga. It is a practice that meets you where you are at and, slowly, as you become ready, can reveal insights and revelations.

    When the body opens, so does the mind. When the mind opens, perspective changes. When perspective shifts, healing is possible. When healing reveals itself, the heart expands. It is this expansion of heart that allows us to experience ourselves and each other as love, and as one.

    5. What are three quick pick-me-up tips you’d give anyone having a stressful day?

    Breathe! Then lay on your back with your legs up the wall and close your eyes for at least ten minutes. Rub lavender oil on your hands and take ten deeps breaths of it.

    6. You’re known as an inspiration to multitudes. Do you always feel like an inspiration, or do you have some lower-energy days too? What do you usually do to re-energize yourself?

    No, I don’t always feel like an inspiration. Like anyone, I have days where I feel stressed or overwhelmed.

    I have six non-negotiable practices that help me to maintain my center, increase my energy, and open my heart. They include yoga, meditation, prayer, therapy, a healthy vegan diet and sleep. When I commit to these practices, I can count on feeling grounded, healthy, and positive.

    7. What would you recommend to someone who has repressed unresolved emotions, but a fear of confronting them?

    If you have the resources, find a therapist and work with someone who can help guide you and give you emotional reflection and the psychological resources necessary for growth.

    If you don’t have the resources, know that there are many books available that can help you to understand the mind/body connection (like Eastern Body, Western Mind by Anodea Judith) and that practices like yoga and meditation can help give you the physical grounding and the emotional strength necessary for safe inner exploration and healing.

    8. What mantra do you try to live by daily?

    “Thus far no further.” This is something I say to myself when I want to change a behavior or action. I do not want to contribute to anything that creates more pain, suffering, or separation in the world, so it becomes a reminder to myself to change my behavior.

    9. What will people gain from taking your Yoga of Awakening course?

    I hope that by practicing to The Yoga of Awakening people can develop the physical, emotional, and spiritual tools necessary to help manage stress; reframe personal narratives that are unhealthy and disempowering; and empower them to remember who they really are—which is love—and that they are already whole and deeply connected and bonded to each other and this planet by Spirit.

    When we understand who we are and who we are to each other, we are more apt to make choices that support the happiness, sustainability, and peace for all beings everywhere. This program is about empowering ourselves, reframing our unhealthy narratives, letting go of limited beliefs, and extending our sincere good will and love to all.

    —

    From now until August 28th, you can get 30% off Sean Corne’s The Yoga of Awakening course course, brining the cost from $50 down to $35. All you need for this course is a computer or mobile device with an Internet connection. You don’t need any prior knowledge of yoga.

    Continue your quest for knowledge with Udemy. Udemy offers thousands of courses on all kinds of topics, from business to writing to software engineering. 

    Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links, which means I earn a percentage of all sales. Posts like these help support the site and keep it going.

  • Why I’m Broke, Single, and Happier Than Ever (and How You Can Be Happier Too)

    Why I’m Broke, Single, and Happier Than Ever (and How You Can Be Happier Too)

    Portrait of a beautiful young woman laughing and wearing summer hat

    “You must make your dream a priority in order for it to become your life.” ~Bob Proctor.

    I am sitting in the courtyard of the little place I’ve just moved into, an old washhouse separate from a beautiful big Victorian house, by the coast in Cornwall.

    The washhouse is no bigger than a shed; it consists of a living space and a wet room.

    I sleep on a day bed, which doubles as my sofa. My neat, compact kitchen is approximately two steps from my bed/sofa, and the wet room houses a shower, toilet, and sink.

    I’m thirty-two, and I can’t afford to buy new clothes, I can only sporadically eat out and buy coffee (my two favorite vices), I have to be mindful of how often I fill up my gas tank, and I can’t afford to rent anywhere bigger than a shoebox.

    I’m single and I have no money to spare, but I can honestly say that I am the happiest I have been in a long time.

    This is far from bragging or undermining the struggle of being broke.

    Don’t get me wrong, I hope these things aren’t forever—that one day I can live a life that’s aligned with what makes me happy and make money from it, meet the man of my dreams, and afford to live in a big, beautiful house.

    But right now, despite being on my own and poor, being true to myself is making me happier than being with the wrong guy (just so I’m not on my own) or working in the wrong job (just so I can buy things I don’t really need).

    To reach this point, it’s taken a fair bit of faffing about the last couple of years—getting into relationships with the wrong guys, taking jobs that I didn’t really want, moving around and trying things out—and I’ve got plenty more to learn. But I have finally committed to not compromising on what feels 100% right.

    If you too have decided to commit to a life that is utterly authentic, here are a few suggestions that may help you stay happy and open to possibilities.

    Be thankful for what you do have—and actively work toward more.

    Being poor isn’t easy, nor is worrying about how you’re going to pay the rent, especially if you have others to look out for. There is no denying this, but focusing on how tough the hard things are isn’t going to help you get out of your situation. In fact, this will only keep you stuck.

    What helps us move forward is appreciating what we have and then leveraging that positive energy to actively work toward more.

    I remember someone introducing me to the idea of the law of attraction a few years ago, and I thought, Great! That’s easy. Think about something I want and it will show up. Awesome. Then I wondered why, weeks later, Bradley Cooper hadn’t shown up at my door.

    How naive (and kind of arrogant) to think that, through magical mind power alone, the law of attraction would deliver what I wanted. There is a real danger in thinking you deserve something and wishing for things to be different, but not actively working for it.

    Sitting in a room, fantasizing about something awesome happening, wishing things were different, but not leaving that room to actively pursue those changes is as productive as staring at a spoon, wishing for it to bend.

    At the beginning of this year I started to keep a gratitude list for each month. It started with vague list items—the sun shining, a kind word someone said.

    But the more I learned how to pay attention—the more I practiced looking for things, inviting in opportunities and connections—the more my lists grew, and the things to be thankful for became more and more significant.

    Because I was creating positive energy through my gratitude practice, and putting that positive energy into the world, I was able to get some of my articles and reviews published, I connected with inspirational public figures, and I received invitations to run workshops at festivals.

    By recognizing, actively looking for, and creating experiences and opportunities to be thankful, we undoubtedly attract more awesome things into our lives. It’s like a domino effect.

    So, despite being poor and single, right now I feel extremely and genuinely lucky for so much, even though it may appear, on the outside, that I have very little.

    Be aware of your excuses.

    When I was in my last job, I felt like the work I was doing was made up. It had no significance; it made no difference to the world. As soon as that feeling set in, that was it; I couldn’t turn it off.

    I could ignore it every now and again and focus on my excuses for why I needed to stay in that job—how would I pay the rent, what would I do, what would it look like on my CV, who would I be letting down if I quit.

    But each time the feeling popped up, the strength of my excuses started to dilute, until I had no excuses left… and I quit.

    Life really is short and precious. No fear-based excuse under the sun is worth losing a precious day over.

    If you’re not happy, change something. If you’re unfulfilled in your job, do something different. If you’re with the wrong person, don’t settle for it. If you’ve always wanted to try, be, or do something else, but it might mean a pay cut or demotion, take the risk.

    Your happiness is the most important thing. Being a happy, fulfilled human being means you can contribute so much more to those around you; you can be a better partner, parent, friend, and colleague.

    No one can argue that a happy person is better than a stressed out, unhappy, unfulfilled person—in all situations and for all involved, including yourself.

    If you’re a parent or have others to care for, this may seem overly simplified. I understand that there are more challenges for those with more responsibilities. But that doesn’t mean you can’t make some changes in your life.

    Allowing yourself to be happy doesn’t have to mean being reckless, making drastic, life-altering changes, or living in a shoebox like me. For you, it might mean finally enrolling in a photography course, or asking a friend to babysit for an hour so you can take a dance class.

    Whatever your unique situation, don’t let your excuses get in the way of your happiness.

    Trust the process.

    Right now I have to believe that if I keep moving forward on the path I am creating for myself and stay true to it, it will all work out for the best. It just feels right.

    I am sure it won’t turn out as I’d planned or imagined, but I trust that if I keep going, keep letting things organically evolve, keep saying yes to the right things, keep making new connections and inviting in experiences and synchronicities, it will all work out.

    No one can predict the future, but if we trust the process, we’ll be better able to stay present and focused, and to take the action steps that will help us create a favorable outcome.

    —

    I decided to strip my life back to make it simple, cheap, and basic in order to create space to pursue my dream. For the first time in my life, sitting here in this pretty, little, simple space, it feels like I am living a life that is wholly authentic—and I can’t wait for what shows up next.

  • 4 Steps to Let Go of Stress, Negativity, and Emotional Pain

    4 Steps to Let Go of Stress, Negativity, and Emotional Pain

    Light in the dark

    “It’s not the bite of the snake that kills you, it’s the poison left behind.” ~Tom Callos

    Have you ever taken it to heart when someone said or did something mean to you? The likely answer is yes; most people have experienced negativity from another person—and it hurts.

    But why did you take it personally? Because, like all of us, you want love. And we often assume when someone is mean to us that it means that we are unlovable.

    Now, when a person is mean to me, I choose not to accept what they are offering. Also, I recognize that they are doing it because they are hurting inside and don’t know how to express love.

    This was the case for me as child. I was a very sensitive, and I received a fair amount of emotional bullying from my older brother. He repeatedly called me a loser and made fun of me.

    I am not entirely sure why he did this, but I know he was hurting inside. He seemed to be unhappy a lot of the time. My mom believes this was due to her and my father expecting a lot from him, being the oldest child.

    I looked up to my brother, but the mean things he did hurt me to my core, because I let the emotional poison build up and take me over. It got to the point where it became physically painful.

    By age ten, I had put up emotional walls so I could block anyone from hurting me—or so I thought. This turned me into an unloving, uncompassionate, and judgmental person.

    I would emotionally bully people, just like my brother had done to me. I would make fun of how certain people would dress, look, or speak. I wound pick apart other people’s insecurities to make myself feel better.

    Shortly after that, I began noticing how insecure I was.

    I was afraid of being judged by others and doing anything that made me stick out. The fear of judgment was so gut-wrenching that it stopped me from doing things I wanted to do, like join the high school basketball and rugby teams, and ask girls on dates.

    In my late teens I realized that I needed to make some changes in my attitude, but I did not know where to start.

    Shortly after putting out that intention, I felt drawn to Buddhism. I would read books here and there, but did not commit to making any real changes. I did feel a pull to go to a Buddhist monastery, but I thought to myself, “I don’t have time for that.”

    By age twenty my spirit forced me to take action. One night after work, I was walking into the kitchen and dropped a glass. I tried to catch it as it fell, but it smashed and cut my left index finger down to the bone.

    I was rushed to the hospital and bandaged up. The next day I had surgery on my finger to reattach the nerve.

    Shortly after that, I began having visions of a Buddhist monastery. Now that I couldn’t work and I was on summer break from college, I could go.

    I went to Birken Forest Monastery, and my life changed forever. By quieting my mind through seated and walking meditation, I discovered that I was actually creating and feeding all of the hell I was going through. 

    Compounding the pain, my mental torture created several health issues, because my body could not heal in such a stressed state.

    I decided, right there and then, that I was going to let go of the issues that were disturbing me.

    If you, too, are causing yourself a lot of pain and suffering by holding on to negative thoughts and feelings, the lessons I learned may help.

    1. Don’t take anything personally.

    If someone says something mean to you, it is because they are hurting inside and don’t know how to ask for love.

    Now, if a person is being mean, I listen to them, look at them with compassion, and choose not to retaliate. This typically helps defuse that person’s pain.

    2. Replace negative thoughts with positive action.

    As a child I often had negative thoughts about myself and others, which would cause me to feel bad.

    Many of my thoughts centered on the fact that I didn’t feel good enough. These thoughts caused me a lot fear and anger, and stopped me from doing things that I felt would bring me joy.

    One thing that has helped me overcome this is telling myself, “I love being me,” and following through with the things that I feel guided to do.

    For example, I received strong intuitive messages to go to college to become a Doctor of Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM). Doing this was enriching and life changing for me. I also met the love of my life, my wife, at TCM college.

    When you start thinking negative thoughts about yourself or others, tune in to your intuition about what would bring you fulfillment. When you devote your energy to things that bring you joy and satisfaction in life, there’s less energy to devote to negativity.

    3. Love yourself unconditionally. Because if you don’t, who will?

    Every day I reinforce how much I love myself. Why? Because it feels good, and who doesn’t like to feel good?

    One simple way I do this is by telling myself, in my head, with a smile on my face, “I love myself unconditionally.” Then I sit in the feeling of love that arises.

    Another thing I will do is ask myself the question, “What can I do today to deepen my self-love?”

    My intuition will give me a response in the form of a feeling, thought, or image. For example, I may get a thought or an image of something to do, such as spend time in nature or with a friend.

    4. Lastly, forgive.

    If you don’t, you’re letting your past control and poison you, and you’re the one who ends up feeling bad.

    I felt so bad in my adolescence as a result of having negative feelings toward people that I never want to feel that way again. The more anger I would feel toward someone, the more my life felt miserable and chaotic.

    To forgive people, I needed to surrender to the things that had caused me stress. They were in the past, and they were only still bothering me because I was letting them.

    As a result of letting them stress me out, similar issues would arise in other relationships until I acknowledged that I had to do something about it.

    The way I see it now is, if I had rotting garbage in my home, I would not keep it because it stinks and it’s not good for my health. So why would I hold onto negative feelings that are causing me problems?

    In order to let go and forgive, I first got into a calm mindset. I did this by focusing my attention on my breath, which brought me into the present moment.

    Next, I thought about the person and said in my head, “I forgive (person’s name) for hurting me, and I release any anger and pain I feel about (person’s name). I send (person’s name) unconditional love.”

    Doing this simple exercise helped me clear so much negativity from my life that I felt like a whole different person.

    You may have to do this many times before you feel comfortable with it. It can take a while to fully surrender because we often hold a false sense that these negative feelings are serving us.

    It helps to remember the first lesson—don’t take anything personally. The person who hurt you was also hurting. It doesn’t condone what they did, but it does make it easier to forgive.

    My Future Is Bright

    When I think back to how I was then and compare it to how I am now, I can see how far I have come, and I am grateful. Though, I do see that I have more to let go of. Letting go of stress, negativity, and emotional pain excites me because it allows me to focus on love and the things I do want in my life. The same is true for you.

  • Why We Put Ourselves Last and Why Self-Care Should Be a Priority

    Why We Put Ourselves Last and Why Self-Care Should Be a Priority

    “Be there for others, but never leave yourself behind.” ~Dodinsky

    Sometimes, when we’re feeling stressed and running around taking care of everybody else, the healthiest thing we can do is to stop and consider how we can take care of ourselves.

    While this seems obvious to some people, many of us struggle with the idea of putting ourselves first. We were raised to think we should always put others before ourselves and ignore our own needs—that it is somehow arrogant or self-centered, and not a nice thing to do.

    So why is self-care not held in high regard as the essential practice that it is for our well-being?

    Here, I take a look at some misconceptions that hold us back from looking after the most important person in our lives, explore why self-care is better for others around us, and share my own list of self-care commitments, as somebody who has struggled with this in the past.

    1. We think self-care means being selfish. 

    Taking care of ourselves is the opposite of being selfish, as it strengthens us and enables us to support our loved ones better. We are no use to anyone if our energy is depleted because we have given every last bit of it away. Self-care is an antidote to stress, as it builds resilience so we can better cope with challenges.

    Just think how they tell us to put on our oxygen mask first on an airplane before we help others. Yes, absolutely support others, but nurture yourself first.

    2. We confuse “rescuing” with caring.

    We often sacrifice self-care because we’re too busy trying to save everyone else. But people have to learn their own lessons in life, however painful that is. Who are you to decide that you know what is right for them? Now that is selfish, as it’s based on your own desires for them, which may not truly be in their best interests.

    The way we can really help is to focus on ourselves and stop trying to run others’ lives. While we think we’re caring by “rescuing” them from unpleasant experiences in their lives, we are denying them the opportunity to face their own challenges, and grow stronger or learn a lesson from doing so.

    This has been a hard truth for me to face, as I always thought I was being nice and caring. It’s even tougher to accept now that a close family member of mine is very ill, mostly caused by their own actions. I have an overwhelming desire to help, and have tried on numerous occasions, but I now realize that they have to want to change.

    By rescuing them every time, out of what we believe is love, the rest of the family are enabling this person to stay feeling helpless, and we are burning ourselves out with stress.

    I don’t mean we should never help people, but there is a difference between providing support for somebody who asks and taking it upon ourselves to save somebody and make their life turn out in a way that we think it should.

    3. We are accustomed to relationships based on neediness, not real love.

    We often fall in love with the idea of being in love because we watch Hollywood films that portray love as dramatic and needing to be with somebody 24/7.

    When we give from this place, we give too much because we believe we have to die for that person and other such dramatic statements. As Ernest Hemingway wrote in Men Without Women, “The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much and forgetting that you are special too.”

    Instead of spending our every waking hour thinking about that other person and forgetting ourselves, we (and our partners!) would be better served by focusing on ourselves. This way, we’ll be able to give from a place of wholeness, without expecting anything in return or feeling resentful.

    As Rollo May said, “Love is generally confused with dependence; but in point of fact, you can only love in proportion to your capacity for independence.” If we take care of ourselves, we are more independent, less needy of getting attention or affection, and more capable of truly connecting with another human being.

    4. We don’t realize we teach people how to treat us.

    We teach people how to treat us by our own actions and attitude toward ourselves. By putting signs out there that you are a rescuer and will sacrifice yourself to help others, you attract the sort of people who want to be rescued and for whom it has to be all about them—not a balanced relationship.

    Then, you have made it a self-fulfilling prophecy, by effectively bringing about what you always complain that you attract: people who take advantage of your good nature.

    Here, it is useful to question whether they have really taken everything we have or if we have voluntarily given it all to them. Yes, they have played a part, but we can’t change them. We only have control over our own actions, so what part did we play?

    Also, although this can be hard to hear, there is always a pay-off for us. Is it that you always get to be the “nice guy” or the “victim”? Take a long hard look now…

    5. We expect others to take care of us.

    While we might believe that our actions are purely altruistic and caring, are we actually expecting something in return?

    I have previously been guilty of giving everything and believing I was being nice, but then feeling resentful when they inevitably didn’t give back in equal measure.

    I complained to my friends that this or that person didn’t give me enough (and, in some cases, I wouldn’t have been wrong!) It’s easy to complain about what others aren’t doing. It’s hard to accept that we have chosen to give all our love to them and keep none for ourselves, expecting them to fill a gap they couldn’t fill, because it was our own self-esteem that was missing.

    Yes, somebody may take advantage of your caring nature, but if you lie down to be walked on, you can’t be surprised when people treat you like a doormat. Your self-care is your responsibility, nobody else’s.

    6. We don’t realize our worth.

    Ultimately, it boils down to the fact that we think others are worth more than us. If we are confident in our love for ourselves and treat ourselves as if we are worthy, then that is what we will attract back.

    Yes, I’m afraid it comes down to that whole self-love thing again! There is a reason why this is a cliché, though, because the key to meaningful relationships really is to love ourselves first.

    So, What Does Self-Care Look Like?

    Self-care is essential for us all, but looks different from person to person. We are all individuals with different preferences. Listen to your inner voice to find out what makes you content. Sometimes we can’t even hear our own inner voice because we are so busy anticipating the needs of those we care about, so you might have to listen carefully at first.

    Below is my own personal list of self-care practices. I hope it gives you some inspiration for ways to take care of yourself.

    I commit to:

    1. Being fully in and embracing the present moment—mindful living

    2. Preparing and eating three healthy meals a day, avoiding sugar fixes

    3. Getting outside every day

    4. Exercising every day

    5. Doing something I enjoy every day—being creative

    6. Spending time with positive people

    7. Setting healthy boundaries—saying no more often

    8. Identifying negative self-talk and changing it to positive

    9. Pausing before reacting—do I really want to do this?

    10. Getting one thing done every day, and celebrating this achievement

    11. Looking after my health, body, skin, hair, teeth—regular appointments

    12. Being grateful—starting each day with at least three things I am thankful for

    13. Regular yoga and meditation

    14. Laughing more and starting the day with a smile

    15. Singing or dancing whenever possible

    16. Having more fun and taking life less seriously

    17. Treating myself with love and compassion—being my own best friend

    18. Focusing on myself and prioritizing my needs—not focusing on the lives of others

    19. Spending time alone and being still every day

    20. Being my authentic self, not what others want me to be

    21. Listening to my inner voice/intuition and doing what feels right for me

    22. Avoiding over-analyzing a situation

    23. Limiting my time on Facebook

    24. Not worrying about what other people think about me

    25. Getting a good sleep every night

    26. Being patient with myself

    27. My self-development, no matter how challenging

    What’s your most important self-care practice?

  • Why We Should Stop Trying to “Fix” Other People’s Pain

    Why We Should Stop Trying to “Fix” Other People’s Pain

    Depressed young crying woman - victim

    “There is such a deeply rooted belief that we must do something with intense surges of feeling and emotion as they wash through: understand them, determine their cause, link them to some life circumstance or person, transform them, transmute them, or even ‘heal’ them.” ~Matt Licata

    A few years ago, when I first started working for my current organization, one of my colleagues asked me what role I would most enjoy on the team.

    I quickly said, “I like making things happen.”

    That was so clear to me—I’m a natural do-er, organizer, and planner. It’s easy for me to take action on manifesting things in the world.

    While that has been useful for creating a sense of security in the material world, it has been less helpful for navigating the inner world.

    My same orientation toward the outside world, I brought to my emotions and how I met other people’s feelings.

    “You always try to fix the situation,” my husband said on the car ride home as grief was arising from visiting his ill mom. “Like, you know a process that works for you, and it feels as if you try to draft me into it.”

    That was hard to hear. I was defensive at first, “What? No I’m not. I really care about you, and am trying to help you…”

    As I sat with what he said and reflected on our conversation from a moment earlier, I realized that I was asking him over and over about how he was feeling, giving him suggestions and tools that have worked for me, that I thought might work for him too.

    When I peeled back another layer of my intention, I recognized it was mostly out of my own angst—the discomfort of just sitting there with him in presence, listening, with uncertainty. This nagging feeling of “needing to know” and “needing to make better” kept tugging at me.

    And so, finally, I gave in and asked several questions back to back that he was not yet ready to answer, followed by several uninvited suggestions.

    Over the next day, I continued to reflect on how to be with others and found there was a lot for me to learn from this situation with my husband.

    It’s true, when things are hard my mind perks up and goes into doing mode. I think, “What can I do? How do we make this better? What can be done to fix this situation and make it a bit more pleasant?”

    Anything to not linger in uncertainty and the discomfort of “unresolved” emotion.

    In that layer beneath the really good intention to help and make better, there is a more subtle motivation that says, “To stay with the vulnerability of this pain is really hard. It’s scary to be with the unknown. What can we do to make it go away and begin moving forward from this?”

    To sit with difficult emotions and not try to fix or make something better has been a huge learning curve for me over the past years, especially with emotional pain—both for myself and with those who are closest to me.

    Recently, when I see someone else in pain, I’ve been practicing “being with” and “witnessing,” and just deeply listening. It’s not an easy practice, as I’ve had thirty-three years of a conditioned, habitual impulse to “fix” and “move on” and “make better.”

    And yet, I see that the longer that I can stay with difficult emotions (my own and others’), the more I experience moments of deep peace, held with compassion.

    In fact, I often find that nothing needed fixing or to be “done.” Presence and being with is enough.

    Here are three lessons I’ve learned on how to be with others when faced with difficult emotions:

    1. Be with.

    This has been my mantra for the past six months. In fact, I even wear a bracelet daily with that phrase engraved.

    “Be with” reminds me to show up in a way that fully meets the present moment. Usually, that translates into deeply listening the best I can, remembering to breathe, coming back to the body, and not getting caught up in my mind.

    It reminds me to witness and not go down that path of fixing and making better.

    2. Do nothing.

    “This ‘doing nothing’ is not a cold, passive resignation, but is an alive, sacred activity, infused with the light of awareness and a wild, relentless sort of compassion. To do nothing in this way is a radical act of kindness and love, filled with qualities of earth and warmth, and a holy gift that you can offer yourself and others.” ~Matt Licata

    A friend of mine shared that when she was in psychology school, many of the therapists often asked, “But what I can I do to help my client?” Because doing nothing didn’t feel like enough.

    Each time this question came up, the teacher would always say the same thing: “Just be with his/her process. As that’s the only thing that creates lasting change.”

    There is a difference between powerlessness and helplessness. To surrender, which is to be powerlessness and to do nothing, does not equate to being helpless. When we are able to surrender and accept our powerlessness over others’ emotional pain and circumstance, we can wake up to deeper wisdom.

    Simply being present for the other exactly as he/she is—doing nothing—can be the most loving, powerful gift.

    3. Loving-kindness.

    During the moments when being with or doing nothing is too challenging, a loving-kindness mantra has always been helpful for me. It can bring a momentary peace during difficult situations when the mind might otherwise run along with thinking, planning, or engaging in fear-based stories to distract from the present moment.

    It goes like this: You say the below quietly inside, with an open heart.

    “May I be safe. May I be free from fear. May I be free from suffering.“ And, “May you be safe. May you be free from fear. May you be free from suffering.”

    What do you find helpful when those close to you are in emotional pain or in challenging situations? How do you meet yourself during difficult emotions?

  • The Art of Conversation: Stop Zoning Out and Waiting to Talk

    The Art of Conversation: Stop Zoning Out and Waiting to Talk

    Conversation Bubbles

    “Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation.” ~Mark Twain

    Some of the most memorable experiences in our lives revolve around the conversations we have with others.

    Talking to your grandparents about what life was like for them when they were young.

    Kind words of encouragement from a teacher or mentor.

    A romantic conversation in front of a fireplace with your soul mate.

    Listening to the last words of someone on their deathbed.

    However, sometimes we can become so pressured to talk, to sell ourselves, or can become so distracted by all the gadgets and activities begging for our attention, that we forget the basic components of meaningful human interaction.

    A couple of months ago I was sitting in a café across the table from an Italian woman. We were there together with mutual friends and had just met. To be polite and engage her in conversation, I asked a standard icebreaker question about her personal life.

    She opened her mouth to speak and didn’t stop talking for at least twenty minutes.

    I have been around enough Italians to know they love to talk, but this was extreme even for Mediterranean standards.

    Our mutual friends and I nodded along, and by the end of her Shakespearean monologue I knew everything about her whole life, including how she was raised by a single mother, and how every activity in her own baby’s daily routine was scheduled to the exact minute.

    After she finished and took a much-needed breath of air, she turned to me and asked, “So, what do you do for a living?”

    At last it was my turn to share!

    I began with, “Well, I…”

    But it was already too late.

    The smile from her face disappeared and glazed eyes began to stare aimlessly at me from the other side of the table. Then, as I continued to give a brief synopsis of my personal and professional background, she started to fidget in her chair and look nervously around the café, but not at me.

    I could tell that her mind was racing and that she was anxiously waiting for the moment where she could jump in and speak again, so I turned the conversation back to her. She lit up with a huge smile and then part two of her monologue began.

    My feelings weren’t hurt by the fact that she preferred to talk instead of listening to me, or anyone else at the table for that matter. But when I got home I began to reflect on how I interact with others.

    Do people enjoy talking to me?

    What goes through my mind when someone else is speaking?

    Do I give them my full attention?

    As I mentally answered these questions, I came to the realization that I, like my Italian tablemate, could sometimes be a me-conversation culprit.

    I would be so focused on thinking of something smart to say next that I wouldn’t even be listening to what the other person was saying.

    When a coworker was in my office talking to me, I would always keep one eye on my email inbox.

    And when having a phone conversation with my family, who I hardly ever get to see because they live on another continent, I would be scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed on my computer, half-listening to what they were saying.

    Since that encounter in the café I’ve made a conscious effort to get rid of these bad habits and have memorable conversations with others, especially with my friends and family. Some of the tips I’ve been learning and attempting to putting into practice include:

    1. Ask open-ended questions.

    Refrain from asking yes/no questions, which will end with a one-word answer followed by the sound of crickets. We should instead try asking questions such as, “How did that feel?” or “What was that like?”

    It keeps the conversation flowing and makes it more interesting because we get to hear their viewpoint instead of describing their experience for them, i.e. “I bet that was amazing!”

    You’ll be surprised by some of the responses you’ll get.

    2. Listen to their voice, not the one in your head.

    We should focus our full attention on someone when they are speaking to us instead of getting wrapped up in what we’ll say next. Just let the conversation flow and take its natural course.

    When we listen to what others are saying, they’ll feel more connected to us, even if we actually don’t say all that much. In addition, as I’ve learned firsthand, you can spare yourself those awkward moments when you ask a question that they had just previously given the answer to when they were speaking.

    3. Don’t make the conversation about you.

    It can feel great when we talk about ourselves, especially if there is something we are proud of. But we shouldn’t make the conversation consistently about ourselves.

    One of my interests is travel, so now I’m constantly reminding myself not to one‑up everyone else by saying something along the lines of, “Oh, that sounds like a fun vacation. Last year I went to (insert destination here), which was so amazing!”

    A great conversationalist is a person who knows that a real conversation is not a monologue, or about trying to constantly impress everyone. It’s a give and take dynamic, which involves actually listening.

    And besides, nobody ever learned anything from just talking.

    4. Stop multitasking.

    Lastly, if we want to have a meaningful conversation, we have to stop multitasking.

    Close the laptop.

    Stop texting.

    Stop cooking dinner.

    We should just refrain from whatever it is we are doing that is keeping from us from focusing our attention on them.

    This is the one piece of advice that I consistently have to work on. As I mentioned before, most of my family lives halfway around the world and any sort of communication is precious, yet when I speak with them I can easily get distracted by all of the cat videos and social media updates that the Internet has to offer.

    These distractions can be hilarious and fun, but they are not a top priority in my life like my family is, so I always try to keep this tip in mind.

    —

    Human interaction is one mankind’s fundamental needs, and we can all work on our communication skills.

    Because in the end we aren’t going to remember what was on our social media, or how impressed others were when we talked about all of the exotic places we’ve visited.

    We are going to remember what we’ve learned from others and the meaningful connections we’ve made with real people.

  • Dealing with Emotional Triggers: What to Do When You’re Stuck on a Feeling

    Dealing with Emotional Triggers: What to Do When You’re Stuck on a Feeling

    “As you grow more practiced in noticing your triggers, offering yourself kindness and remembering that the power to heal your life is always available in the present moment, the situations that once set you off lose their explosive potential.” ~Martha Beck

    Recently, I stayed with a friend I don’t see very often so I could attend a mindfulness event near her home. I took the train to her apartment about an hour before the event. We embraced and spent the first few moments together catching up on things.

    And then my cellphone dinged.

    Which, of course, it does every five minutes or so throughout the day.

    Between email, Facebook, Twitter, messaging, and Whatsapp, my phone is like a running faucet—it never stops. But it’s never seemed to really bother me.

    Apparently, it bothered my friend.

    “What was that sound?” she asked, glaring at my phone.

    “Ah, who knows? Probably an email came in. I won’t answer it,” I assured her.

    Appearing slightly disturbed, she made an uncertain face and then resumed the conversation.

    Within minutes, it dinged again.

    Worried and anticipating disapproval, I looked at my friend. As expected, she made a dissatisfying face and a “tsk” sound demonstrating denunciation. Still, she made no mention of the phone.

    She invited me and her family to sit down for dinner, and less than a minute into beginning our meal, my phone dinged again.

    That damn phone, I suddenly thought to myself!

    “Can you please just turn your phone off?” my friend remarked in a reprimanding tone.

    Did my friend just reprimand me? I thought to myself. And in front of her children? How dare she shame me!

    I looked around at the faces staring back at me and knew I was stuck. So, I turned to The S.T.U.C.K. Method, a simple and easy-to-remember technique I practice anytime, anywhere to stop being hijacked by my emotions and take better care of myself and my relationships.

    So I stopped. I closed my eyes for a brief second and took a deep breath.

    I told myself I was stuck on embarrassment.

    I uncovered my beliefs and checked the accuracy of each one.

    I believed I’m allowed to live the way I want to live regarding the use of my phone!

    Yes, but don’t you want to show respect for your friend and her family?

    I believed my friend had no right to lecture me and certainly not in front of her kids!

    Shira, did she lecture you?

    I believed my friend just ruined the entire evening!

    The entire evening? Shira, the evening just began!

    I believed my friend completely embarrassed me!

    What was so embarrassing with what she said?

    Looking at my beliefs, I could see my story was not really stable, so I came up with other perspectives.

    • I considered that, in all honesty, the phone was starting to bother me, even before my friend remarked on it.
    • I considered that my friend did not lecture me and had no intention of hurting me.
    • I considered that I could respect the standards my friend sets for herself and her family and silence my phone at certain times during the visit.
    • I considered the irony that my friend, the one with little to no experience in mindfulness, was trying to gently help me realize the freedom I could experience if I were to silence my phone.
    • I considered I could just silence the phone during dinner and not make a big deal out of it.
    • I considered gratitude for having a friend in my life who feels comfortable to be honest with me and holds me to the same standard she holds her family.

    I recognized my friend had no ill will and, therefore, I had no reason to feel embarrassed. I chose to do something I never do. I got up from the table and silenced my phone.

    I got stuck on embarrassment, but it’s okay. I’m glad I didn’t stay stuck for too long and ruin what otherwise was a beautiful and inspiring evening, both at the lecture and in the company of my dear friend.

    The next time you are feeling emotionally triggered, try The S.T.U.C.K. Method.

    First, STOP and bring your attention to something real in the present moment (such as noticing your breath).

    Next, TELL yourself what you are feeling (such as: “I am stuck on anger”).

    UNCOVER your beliefs about what is triggering you. Look out for words such as: need, should, always, never, and other generalizations. For each belief, ask yourself, is this 100% accurate?

    Then, CONSIDER other perspectives. Stretch your “consideration muscles” and allow any and every other kind of viewpoint to be possible. Then, choose at least one and take it on. Finally, remind yourself that it’s OK you got stuck in the first place.

    By closing this practice with self-compassion, you relieve yourself of any guilt or self-criticism that may arise from getting stuck in the first place and promote well-being.

  • Why We Don’t Need to Worry About What’s Missing in Our Lives

    Why We Don’t Need to Worry About What’s Missing in Our Lives

    Life is like a puzzle..Life consists of many components, 3d rendering

    “Don’t compare your struggles to anyone else’s. Don’t get discouraged by the success of others. Make your own path and never give up.” ~Unknown

    My recent breakup was the most painful experience of my life. More painful maybe than it should have been, as it came at a time when a lot of things weren’t going as I hoped they would.

    The road to healing seemed so much steeper and longer when all of these things also needed to be ‘fixed.’

    As I approached my thirtieth birthday, I found myself back living at home with my parents and at a crossroads in my career. I was suffering from anxiety and felt as though my life had little purpose. Things just weren’t supposed to be this way. This was not part of the plan.

    I knew that I needed to make some serious changes, but I was overwhelmed by the sheer size of the task in my hands.

    It wasn’t just my heart that had smashed. It was as though my life was a jigsaw that had just been broken into a million pieces. And I had to recreate the picture.

    So I started as you do with a jigsaw.

    I slowly picked up the pieces, one by one, and tried my best to slot them together.

    It wasn’t an easy task. Sometimes I couldn’t find the piece that I was looking for. Often, it seemed like the small sections I had completed would never properly fit together. There were many times I got frustrated and felt like abandoning the project all together.

    Yet somewhere along the way the picture started to take shape.

    I focused on my mental health and explored mindfulness. I devoted time to new hobbies and joined a sports club. I revisited my childhood passion for writing. I spent quality time with old friends and enjoyed getting to know new ones. I got a puppy.

    Bit by bit, I picked up the pieces and worked hard to create something new.

    After a while I could start to recognize some serious progress. I was still a long way off finishing the jigsaw, but it was getting easier to work on it. I was feeling much stronger, feeling a new sense of hope that one day I would get there. I had caught a glimpse of what the picture could become.

    Yet despite my best efforts, the holes in the picture haunted me.

    I was acutely aware of the parts that were missing. Months had passed, and some of the main pieces still evaded me, the ones that I saw as being crucial to my picture. It weighed on me greatly.

    Without these pieces, I felt that the jigsaw could never really make sense. Instead of concentrating on the pieces I had, I spent a lot of my time searching for these middle pieces. The others just didn’t hold as much value. At least, that’s how I chose to view it.

    Then one day, I cast my thoughts back to the start of my jigsaw journey.

    I remembered how utterly lost and frightened I had felt at that time. How overwhelming the whole process ahead seemed. And I realized just how much of the picture had appeared without me really noticing it. I considered how inconceivable this progress had seemed at the start, how proud I should be that I had managed to get this far.

    But once again, the missing pieces came into focus.

    On a night out with friends, talk naturally revolved around our jigsaws. I was already acutely aware that theirs were at a more advanced stage to mine. Engagements, mortgages, weddings, children.

    I observed, sadly, how many of their milestone pieces were already secure. An acute reminder that I still had so many to find.

    I wondered if I would ever find them or if my jigsaw would just remain incomplete forever. Still a jigsaw of sorts, but not as it should look. I was happy for my friends’ success. I just worried that I seemed to be so far behind.

    But then, as the conversation continued, I made another observation.

    It seemed as though there were parts of their jigsaws that were also still incomplete. These may have been the outer parts, the ones not quite at the center, but they were parts of the jigsaw nonetheless—parts that I, myself, had managed to obtain but perhaps had taken for granted.

    Through hard work and determination, I had successfully made the career transition that had once seemed impossible.

    My lowest points had strengthened my relationships and showed me that I had people who I could really count on.

    My period of reflection had taught me a lot about myself and what I wanted from life.

    I had developed my own interests as an individual and become more independent.

    I acknowledged that these were also a significant part of the picture, and that a jigsaw had many different pieces and everyone still had work to do. I realized that while I was busy concentrating on my missing pieces, I had neglected to appreciate the value of these other ones.

    While I was busy feeling ashamed of its hollow middle, others may just have been noticing how my corners were taking shape. To me, my jigsaw didn’t look as I wanted it to, but that didn’t mean that it looked the same to everyone else. And it didn’t make my success any less admirable.

    Viewed with a less critical eye, they would see a jigsaw that was slowly but surely taking shape, albeit a little slower than their own. A jigsaw at a different stage but with lots of potential. If I shifted my perspective, I might just notice how all the pieces were starting to connect.

    We are all completing a jigsaw of our lives at any given moment. Some of us are further ahead; some of us are a little bit behind. Sometimes a tremor comes along that will damage a piece of the picture, or may even dismantle it completely.

    In that case we must start to rebuild it again, maybe even from scratch. Sometimes we may never find a missing piece and the jigsaw must be appreciated without it. To destroy the whole jigsaw because of one missing piece would be to sacrifice a lifetime’s effort.

    The important thing is that, as we work side by side to do this, we must not let each other’s “success” deter our own progress. We have all been given slightly different jigsaws, some appear easy, some harder, but they will all have their unique challenges. And in the end, each one creates a beautiful picture. A result that is completely unique.

    How someone else constructs their jigsaw will not be the same as your approach. Some people dive straight in and fill in the middle, but then can find it a bit more difficult to fill out the edges. Some like to sort out all the pieces carefully before they even start.

    Some will have help completing their jigsaw, but that just makes it more of an achievement for those who manage to complete it alone. Your jigsaw is your masterpiece. It does not have to look like anybody else’s, nor does it have to be completed in the same way.

    Approach it your own way, and be sure to credit yourself for each part that takes shape. You can glance at others’ jigsaws now and again, but don’t let this put you off yours. No one knows what life holds in store for us, so comparison is a futile exercise.

    Support others and celebrate their progress, trusting in your heart that they will do the same for you as you move forward. Your time will come. You may even inspire others along the way.

    Try not to worry about how the picture will turn out, but enjoy the process and the excitement of seeing it revealed. You may think that you know what the picture will be like, only for it to turn out completely different. But either way, at the end, you will look back and see that they were all made perfectly. That your final picture is beautiful and as it was always meant to be.

    As it stands my jigsaw is still incomplete, but I am choosing to view the process differently. I am consistently working on the smaller pieces and these are bringing me much greater satisfaction.

    They are starting to give the whole picture a lot more meaning now that I’m not fixated on the gap in the middle. I now have much more appreciation for the value of these pieces. I know that I will look back one day and see that these were a lot more vital than I initially thought.

    I am also choosing to trust that the bigger pieces are on their way. I look forward to the days when they will slot easily into their rightful place, surrounded by a sturdy framework.

    With hindsight I can see that first jigsaw just wasn’t working out for me. Although painful at the time, the shake-up was necessary. There were pieces that were never going to fit, no matter how much I wanted them to. I like to believe that there is a reason why my jigsaw needed to be reconstructed in this way.

    For now, though, I have decided to be present and just enjoy the process. Because the reality is that we only get one jigsaw, and I want to make the most of the one I’ve got.

    I have a feeling that it’s shaping up to be a good one.

  • Why It Takes Strength to Be Vulnerable, and Why It’s Worth It

    Why It Takes Strength to Be Vulnerable, and Why It’s Worth It

    “Vulnerability is our most accurate measure of courage.” ~Brené Brown

    When we’re younger, we’re fearless. We don’t mind climbing trees, making friends with strangers, or telling our secrets to people we’ve just met. We open our eyes and hearts to new experiences and people, and we trust that everything is going to be okay.

    Somewhere along the way, we learn that being vulnerable can hurt.

    We get teased or laughed at, and we learn that not everyone can be trusted with our secrets. Our knees get bruised and our hearts get broken.

    I don’t fall in love easily. So, when I tried to heal myself and get back out there after a significant relationship of mine came to a halt, it was a big deal for me. Six weeks in, he cheated on me.

    It didn’t matter that it was at the start of the relationship; the point was, I had been vulnerable with him, and he was the first person I’d opened up to in a long time.

    The shock of being lied to and cheated on felt like a punch to my stomach. I felt like my insides were being ripped out, that someone could betray me in such a vile way.

    I felt small and insignificant, and I hated that I had given someone the power to affect me that way. 

    I ended things and crawled forward with my life. However, the betrayal had put me on high alert to other people’s capacity to hurt me, and I shut down.

    Toward the end of last year, I decided to take time and space to figure out what I had the capacity to offer anyone, what it was that I was giving, and what it was that I desired in return.

    My answers left me with a bitter taste in my mouth: If someone had betrayed me in such a vile way, in such a short amount of time, how could I risk getting hurt again?

    I remember speaking to a friend about this. I told her that I knew the inherent risk that accompanied vulnerability, and that I wished it were different. She asked me what I learned from the experience.

    I explained to her that the experience would give me an extra amount of empathy when clients and friends came to me describing their experience of infidelity.

    Also, I was lucky it had happened sooner rather than later, when I was more invested.

    Then I explained that the experience gave me the strength to know that I could walk away from the relationship when my non-negotiable value of honesty and trust was compromised.

    Most importantly, being cheated on forced me to evaluate my values and how I was going to love and be loved.

    I know that I won’t compromise on honesty, loyalty, passion, and kindness. My strength is in my honesty and the way I can open up to others; the only fault was doing so to someone who took that for granted and didn’t share the same values.

    I wish I didn’t have to spin the situation to find a lesson, as bluntly put, being cheated on sucks. But the only mistakes we make in life are the lessons we don’t learn and use the next time around.

    Though I could recognize these lessons now, at the time I could feel myself withdraw. I asked questions like, Why does anyone bother being vulnerable when we just get hurt? What’s the point?  

    At one stage I told myself that perhaps strength involved complete self-sufficiency, and that I would hold other people at arm’s length. I rationalized that if I didn’t let people get close to me or allow myself to be so vulnerable, then I wouldn’t be in that position in the first place.

    Then I thought about the best moments in my friendships and relationships. There’s the ones where we’re silly and laugh until we cry. The ones where we reveal our deepest fears and insecurities, and the other person tells us that we’re great anyway. The ones were we dance through the world together knowing that we have the freedom just to be ourselves.

    So, here are the important lessons after my betrayal, my hiatus, and my re-evaluation of vulnerability.

    Being hurt is never wasted if we take the lessons with us.

    Being hurt is a byproduct of being human. I very much doubt that there is anyone who has passed through the world without experiencing pain.

    The smartest are those who take the lessons with them so they don’t make the same mistake twice, and the strongest are the ones who learn and keep living with an open heart. The most admirable people are able to do both.

    We can’t have genuine connection without authenticity.

    The most meaningful connections are the ones where we reveal a part of ourselves.

    If you tell me that you can build a genuine connection without showing a part of yourself, I will say that’s impossible.

    I would rather remember that being vulnerable takes strength than sit alone in my ivory tower watching the outside world go by. And I would rather be remembered as the girl who cared too much than the one who couldn’t and didn’t build meaningful connections.

    I am not going to be frivolous or foolish with my heart, and though I am learning who to let into it, I will not shut myself down to the two things my soul needs: the freedom to be genuine and live my life, and the capacity to build genuine human connection, whether that’s with friends, romantic interests, or with strangers.

    There is no shame in being hurt, because these hurts can be lessons in disguise. I have learned red flags in other people that I can now recognize better than ever before, and I’ve re-enforced my own non-negotiables and core values.

    Ultimately, even though we shy away from being vulnerable, due in part to our experiences and our defenses to being hurt, being genuine, open, vulnerable perhaps takes the most strength of all.

  • Our Lives Are Measured in Love, Not Numbers

    Our Lives Are Measured in Love, Not Numbers

    “In the end, these are the things that matter most: How well did you love? How fully did you live? How deeply did you let go?” ~Buddha

    Last year my yoga teacher told a story in class about Hanuman, an ancient Hindu god depicted as a monkey. When asked what he was devoted to, Hanuman opened his chest and there were Sita and Ram, sitting on his heart, always with him. He was their greatest devotee.

    The story stuck with me.

    “What do I hold closest to my heart?” I asked myself quite often, and I was not getting the answer I wanted. Where was the dream I held close to my heart? Was I truly devoted to love, joy, and peace, or just appearing to be?

    What I observed was that numbers subtly defined my life.

    Numbers. Money, time, days until, days since, age, weight, calories, date, GPA, mile time, social media likes, followers, lovers, breakups, countries visited, height, miles driven, time left, time passed, books read, books to read, miles run, seconds in a handstand.

    I felt like I was living a quantitative life.

    I enjoy math and I think science is fascinating. Numbers have so much to offer the world, but they should not be playing a role in how we measure the value of our lives.

    Numbers are everywhere, and they offer us an opportunity to look at the decisions we are making. Numbers can help us set goals, assess our progress, and recognize areas for growth.

    There is so much that can be measured in numbers, but this realization offered me an amazing insight.

    Often, a number cannot define what matters most. It has to be expressed with words and felt with the heart.

    Laughter. Connection. Love. Organic, raw experiences. Spontaneity. Forgiveness. Adventure. These are all things that numbers cannot distinguish.

    As a human, it does not matter how old I am; my age is irrelevant if I am happy.

    As a twenty-four-year-old, it does not matter how many relationships I have had that did not work out.

    What matters is that I am willing to feel and open my heart to another person. That I am willing to learn and make mistakes and be grateful for all that has come out of the relationships I have been in. What matters is whether I have been able to forgive others and myself for the mistakes we have made.

    As a traveler, it does not matter the number of countries I have visited.

    What matters are the experiences I have collected under my belt that become the keys to unlock doors I may encounter in the future. What matters are the genuine connections I have made, the laughter I have shared, with people twenty years older and twenty years younger, who speak a different language than me.

    As a social media participant, it does not matter how many likes I get on a photo. What matters is if I am using social media as a platform for authenticity, connection, and positivity.

    As a yoga teacher, it does not matter how many people come to my class. What matters is that my students walk away feeling light and love.

    As a runner, it does not matter if I run for twenty minutes or two hours. What matters is the intention of treating my body as my home, where I live and doing my best to take care of my home.

    As a yogi, it does not matter how long I meditate or can hold a handstand. What matters is union, my breath connecting my body with my mind.

    As a woman, it does not matter how much I weigh. What matters is that I feel healthy. Health is a state of wholeness, happiness, and vibrancy in all aspects of our lives—physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

    The point is not to eliminate numbers, but to be aware of the purpose that they serve.

    Celebrate birthdays. Make countdowns. Set goals. But don’t fall into the habit of defining yourself by your numbers, or comparing yours to someone else’s. Two lives can be equally valuable with completely different sets of measurements.

    Within every human there is a place that is love in its purest form. This is where we store the wishes we place upon pennies before tossing them into fountains. It’s the place where we hold memories that make our eyes sparkle and our hearts beat with joy. The place inside us where we dream big and without fear. It is a love for ourselves and a love for all that is.

    If there is anything that defines us, it is this love.

    Most importantly, numbers are not necessary to define this present moment. We don’t need any math to appreciate the moment we are in right now. Everything is simply as it should be.

  • 4 Ways We Resist Life and Cause Ourselves Pain (And How to Stop)

    4 Ways We Resist Life and Cause Ourselves Pain (And How to Stop)

    Peaceful woman

    “When fear wakes up inside, and there is no place to run away or hide from it, consider it a gift. In all the glory of that discomfort, know there is refuge in surrender.” ~Erin Lanahan

    When I was a freshman in college, I had a wise English teacher. Through everything he taught, he would always circle back to the theme that “life is a constant cycle of tension and release.”

    I heard him say these words over and over, but I didn’t really listen. I wasn’t ready to yet. Still, this simple message always stuck in my memory.

    I used to suffer from anxiety, and trying to predict and control my environment seemed like a viable way to eliminate most, if not all, of what made me anxious.

    I used to experience a great deal of anxiety about being accepted by others. For as long as I can remember, I’ve harbored this painful idea that I am distinctly different from everyone else; and I felt like my differences would hold me back from truly connecting with others and gaining their acceptance.

    Though my anxiety stemmed from the fear of not being accepted, I didn’t realize this consciously. When I was in a bout of anxiety, I felt fearful about everything.

    Since I didn’t feel safe in the world, I tried to manipulate my environment in an attempt to reduce my pain, but the world wasn’t the problem. I wish I had known then that there was nothing I could alter outside of myself that would heal something inside, but I naively tried to do just that.

    In order to keep my anxiety at bay, I would make sure I always had some form of an escape route so I could temporarily slip away from the pain of being myself. I used distraction in the form of television, surfing the Internet, or reading to distance myself from my anxious thoughts.

    I would even get neurotic about things like the amount of light in the room I was in, or needing to be in open spaces. I thought the conditions of my environment dictated my safety.

    Because of this, I would avoid situations where I could not take the steps I wanted to control my environment. Because I developed such strict standards for deeming my environment “safe,” I missed out on a lot.

    I use to avoid social situations. Being around others made the critical voices in my head much louder. I would interpret other people’s silence as disapproval, and I hated having nothing to distract me from this pain. The more I avoided social situations, the harder it became to cope with being around others. Even just going to class could trigger a panic attack.

    Attempting to control my life and to eliminate all painful situations did not cure my anxiety. If anything, it made it worse. So often the dread of doing things I didn’t want to do was ten times more painful than the actual task itself, but I was too caught up in my suffering to realize this.

    The more I tried to push out the bad things in my life, the more I reinforced that they were intolerable, and the worse things began to seem. Slowly, this avoidance trap made my life smaller and smaller. Things became more and more painful, until I felt uncomfortable even at home.

    When my anxiety was at its worst, I began seeing a therapist. She asked me to try to lean toward the things I was afraid of instead of away from them. She told me to accept my pain.

    She helped me understand that the feeling of fear is much worse than the things we fear themselves. She asked me to study the painful thoughts and feelings that I would always try to push away. She told me to accept and just ride the wave of rising and diminishing discomfort.

    This realization made me wonder how much I was unnecessarily suffering.

    How many things in life was I making worse than they had to be? If life really was a constant cycle of tension and release, was I intensifying my hard times by psychologically resisting them instead of just surrendering to them?

    I thought on this and realized that there are some negative things in my life I have control over. For example, if I feel like someone in my life is treating me unfairly, I can choose to speak up and voice this feeling.

    In situations like these, I can take action and make my situation better, but this won’t always be the case. Some situations will be beyond my realm of control. I will never be able to control being stuck in traffic, when I’ll come down with a cold, or whether or not my car will break down. I knew I had to change my relationship with these types of situations.

    I learned that one of my biggest points of suffering came from resisting unexpected things that used up time I’d intended to use in other ways.

    I used to get myself so worked up on nights when I would unexpectedly have to work late and miss out on what I had planned for that evening. Then, not only would I have to deal with tackling the unwanted task(s), but also my self-inflicted pain from thinking how terrible my situation was.

    I really couldn’t control the situation, but I could control my thoughts.

    It wasn’t fun having to change my plans, but it wasn’t worth the stress headache and dismal mood.

    I decided I would start practicing acceptance when life gave me lemons, just accepting where I was on life’s cycle of tension and release. In doing so, I knew one of my biggest challenges was going to be staying aware, so I decided to look for patterns that would help me do this.

    Below are four things signs that I am resisting my life, causing myself to suffer unnecessarily. If you’ve done any of these, as well, recognizing these patterns can help you suffer a lot less going forward.

    1. Self-victimization

    When things don’t go your way, do you feel bad for yourself and dwell on how unfair things are? This is a surefire way to get stuck in a negative feeling. I know; I’ve done this quite a bit.

    When I get dealt something I really don’t want to deal with, I often default to self-victimization. I start thinking, “Why me?” Or, “This always happens to me.”

    I notice myself feeling like negative things happen more to me than to other people. Logically, I know this isn’t the case, but this is a seductive escape that allows me to wallow in self-pity instead of tackling the challenge of acceptance.

    2. Blame

    When something comes up that you don’t want to deal with, do you find yourself blaming others? Do you become less compassionate for the people around you and amplify their faults?

    When life hands me lemons, I start blaming everyone around me who I think contributed to the problem. I think of what else others could have done that would have prevented me from being in the unsavory situation.

    It’s self-centered of me, and in doing so I overlook everyone else’s suffering but my own. I blame others instead of accepting that sometimes things just don’t play out the way I wanted them to. Blame also keeps me stuck in negativity instead of challenging myself to just surrender to what is.

    3. Rushing

    When I find myself rushing, there’s a good chance I’m resisting my reality. Sometimes when I rush it’s because I’m short on time, but more often, I rush when I find a task particularly unpleasant and I’m trying to get it over with as quickly as possible.

    Sometimes I rush because I am trying to make sure I have enough time to relax. I often fear if I don’t get enough time I won’t be able to recharge and handle the stress of the next day. I’ve found that sometimes I don’t get enough time, but I always seem to make it through regardless.

    When I rush, I deny my task the proper amount of time it requires to be done well, and my quality of work is quite poor. Rushing also puts me in a bad frame of mind and stresses me out unnecessarily.

    Try to notice the next time you’re rushing. What are the circumstances? Do you need to be rushing because you are actually short on time? Or are you just trying to spend less time in an undesirable circumstance?

    4. Holding my breath

    Think about the last time you were doing something you really didn’t want to be doing. How were you breathing? Were you breathing freely and deeply? Or shallowly and strained?

    Checking in with my breath has proven to be a great way of keeping myself aware. Nine out of ten times, when I am resisting what is, I start to hold my breath (literally), or at least I don’t breathe as slowly and deeply as I would if I were relaxed.

    Taking deep breaths is great, because it tricks my body into thinking I’m in a relaxed situation, and over time I start to feel like I am in one. This makes settling into acceptance a little easier.

    —

    When discomfort arises in our lives it is counterintuitive to do nothing, but not all struggle is a question to be answered. If we view life as a cycle of tension and release, being in a period of tension isn’t that bad because it’s promised to be followed by a period of release.

    Like a Chinese finger trap, the harder we try to get away from the bad things in our lives, the tighter their hold on us becomes. When we surrender to reality instead of wrestling with it, it frees up our energy to be used in better ways.

    When our minds aren’t tied up complaining about how bad our circumstances are, we can shift our awareness to the good in the situation. We can focus on being in a comfortable environment, we can be grateful for the opportunity to practice acceptance, and we can think about what good things await us after the tense period comes to a close.

    Giving up the urge to try and control my life has really been a wonderful experience. I’ve given up my rigidness in trying to force the bad out of my life. In doing so, I’ve invited the unpredictable bad in, but this has also enabled me to invite in the unpredictable good.

    I’ve come to accept that my life will never be predictable, the good or the bad, but really, I wouldn’t want it any other way.

  • Why I Didn’t Kill Myself and Why You Shouldn’t Either

    Why I Didn’t Kill Myself and Why You Shouldn’t Either

    TRIGGER WARNING: This post deals with an account of sexual abuse and may be triggering to some people.

    “That’s the thing about suicide. Try as you might to remember how a person lived his life, you always end up thinking about how he ended it.” ~Anderson Cooper

    I know what it’s like to want to die. I know the feeling of hopelessness. I know the sense of loneliness. I know the soul crushing despair and longing to fade into nothingness.

    If you are reading this, then you know what I’m talking about. I’m not sure what brought you to the point of wanting to die. But I know you don’t have to make that date with death.

    Death is forever. While you live, you have the power to change things, even if it feels impossible. Once you are gone, your choice is over.

    History

    My date with death started when I was thirteen. Starting when I was four or five until I hit the age of twelve, two separate men molested me on a regular basis.

    When the abuse stopped, I blocked it out. What I couldn’t block out was the misery, anger, and hatred. I had no idea what was really wrong, but I was monumentally pissed off. I had constant nightmares about men trying to kill me and about fires consuming me.

    I was already dead inside, so what was the point of actually living? Those men took my soul. I was no longer a child. I was just a body trying to survive. I felt nothing but pain and grief. I hated my life. I hated myself and everyone else. I wanted to die. Every day. All day.

    But did I really want to die? Do you? I don’t think you really want to die. I am guessing what you really want is for the pain to stop. I know deep down that was what I really wanted.

    Destiny

    One day, in my early twenties, I got to a point where I couldn’t bear it anymore.

    I came to a crossroads. I came to my breaking point. The unrelenting emotional pain had become too much, and I was drowning under its weight. I had to decide.

    I literally said to myself, “Carrie, you either kill yourself today or you need to do whatever you need to do to get better, because this is no way to live.” That was the moment I decided to take back control of my life.

    Live or die? Which will you choose? I’m hoping that you choose to listen to what I’m saying and that you choose to live. I know your pain. I feel your pain. I have lived in your pain. If I can live through it, so can you. You are not alone no matter how alone you feel.

    What Leads Someone to Want to Take Their Life?

    I have come to believe there are three common reasons people want to kill themselves. You may identify with one or with all of them. Personally, I have contemplated suicide over all of three.

    Severe Pain Caused by Abuse/Trauma (Rape, War, Assault)

    This type of pain is acute, but can also be chronic. It can be a debilitating type of pain that keeps you locked in a world of constant hyper-vigilance, trying to survive. If you have been a victim of childhood abuse, domestic abuse, or have been raped or subjected to the ravages of war, then you know what this suicidal ideation looks and feels like.

    I identified with this pain from my teenage years up until my early to mid-twenties. If the only feelings you have are pain, anger, and hurt and they are all turned inward, you will do anything to find relief, and the thought of suicide will become your constant companion.

    Emotional Reactions to Specific Situations (Divorce, Death, Breakups)

    When you go through the death of a loved one, or your spouse cheats on you and leaves you for someone else, you may feel useless, empty, and betrayed. Feeling unworthy can lead you to contemplate doing something that you normally wouldn’t do.

    I experienced this a few years ago when I found out my boyfriend was actually not who he said he was, and had not only another girlfriend, but a wife and a child.

    I felt like such an idiot because I thought he really cared. I thought there must have been something wrong with me that he was able to manipulate me so easily. I thought there was no point in going on. Many nights I would stare at the gun on my bedside table. Journaling is the only thing that kept me going.

    Constant Feelings of Hopelessness (Depression, Apathy)

    This type of pain is quite scary because it is a smart and well-thought-out pain. It isn’t rash and isn’t a reaction to something that happened. This pain is insidious. It seeps into your subconscious and gets you slowly thinking that there’s no point to life.

    Yes, I’ve felt this type of pain. From my late twenties until just recently there were many days when I would wake up and say to myself, “Maybe today is the day.” I would make plans for when and how I would do it. I would weigh the pros and the cons.

    I had gotten to a point where I no longer cared, but I wasn’t really in pain. I was apathetic to the world around me and more importantly, to my own heart. I no longer cared to live. I was not experiencing joy. I didn’t care about anything. I had no passion. Perhaps you understand what I’m talking about.

    So, What Do You Do Instead? 

    For those struggling with the thought of death and dying and for those who see no other way out, here are some things to think about before you swallow that entire bottle of Vicodin.

    This Too Shall Pass

    Remember this saying, because it really is a universal truth. The only thing constant in life is change. Remember when you broke up with your first love and you thought would never love again? You did.

    The way that you are feeling right now will not last. Remind yourself that the awful feelings won’t last forever.

    Your Thoughts About Yourself Aren’t True

    Do you feel misunderstood? Do you feel like no one really knows you, what you’re about, or who you are down to your core?

    I have never really had a lot of friends, and the majority of the friends I have are men. I have always wondered what it was about me that caused girls to dislike me. Was I doing something wrong? I don’t think I’m mean. Why didn’t they like me?

    I’m an INFJ personality type, which represents about 2% of the population, which is another reason that people just don’t get me. My personality is literally different than the majority of the world.

    I never dreamt about getting married, having babies, and living in a house with a white picket fence. So, while most people I know are having grandkids, I’m still living alone and trying to figure out my life. Another reason I think no one understands me: We don’t want the same things or have the same goals.

    But, what if I took all those negative, self-effacing thoughts about myself (I don’t fit in, I’m kind of alone, and no one likes me) and turned them into positive thoughts? What if all those thoughts weren’t really true?

    What if they were something I had created to keep myself in a safe little cocoon of negativity? What if I started to believe that my differences make me unique?

    As I started to work on loving and accepting myself, I came to realize that I’m not for everyone, and that’s okay! So what if everyone doesn’t love you? So what if you don’t have a ton of friends? So what if you need to find a place where you do fit in, and so what if the love of your life might be taking their time finding you?

    Remember what Dr. Seuss said, “Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive that is Youer than You.” There is only one you. Even if you don’t believe it right now, you are special and unique, and you have a history and a story and talents that no one else on the earth has.

    There Are People Who Will Be Devastated by Your Loss

    I used to tell myself that my mom, sister, and friends really wouldn’t care if I was gone. I figured they would get over it in a few weeks. I would tell myself that everyone would say, “Oh, that’s so sad” and just go on with their lives.

    But again, this can’t be any further from the truth. If you kill yourself, the pain you are feeling will be gone because you will be gone, but now your friends and family will feel your pain for the rest of their lives. They will wonder every day what they did wrong. How they could have helped. Why they failed.

    Is this the legacy you want to leave? Maybe you think no one cares about you, but do you care about them? Do you care about your family and friends? Do you want them to spend the remainder of their years wondering why?

    If you commit suicide, you’ll leave an indelible mark of pain and grief on those you have left behind. If you don’t believe me, go read some stories from mothers, fathers, and sisters who have had a loved one kill themselves.

    Is There More to Do?

    Is your time on this earth over? Do you believe you have nothing to offer? What will people say after you die? It is more than likely they will say, “How sad, such a waste.” Is your death how you want to be remembered?

    Even if you do not see your value, others do. Each one of us is unique and has special talents. Instead of thinking about killing yourself, try thinking about what your talents and your passions are. Maybe you don’t know, and that’s okay. The very act of trying to figure it out will bring some hope for the future.

    For the longest time I had no idea what I was doing and where I was going, and I completely lacked passion, energy, and feeling. Then, one day I realized that I have always had something to say (even if no one wanted to listen), and that became the roadmap for my new life.

    One of the few things that saved me when I was suicidal was writing in my journal. I realize that I needed to write again, and once I did, everything changed. I had a purpose. I had found my passion. Yours is there you just have to find it.

    Your Life Doesn’t Have to Feel Empty Forever

    Maybe your life feels empty today. But that doesn’t mean it has to feel empty forever. I spent years (more years than I care to admit to and more years than I should have) feeling empty, lonely, and unfulfilled. This is an awful place to be, and I would never wish this on anyone else.

    Just because I felt like I was living a meaningless life for over forty years doesn’t mean the rest of my life had to be that way. The past is the past.

    Feeling lonely and unfulfilled doesn’t have to be a forever proposition. It can be a temporary landing if you want it to be.

    If you feel empty and lonely, like your life has no meaning, then I say to you, “What can you do to change it?” Try and focus your energy on what you can change, not what you can’t change. I know it sounds corny and cliché’, but every day is a new day to rewrite the story of your life.

    Usually we don’t know the answer to this question, which is why we stay stuck and hopeless. Everyone has something they love to do, something that is their passion. You have one too; you just don’t know it yet. Find this passion. Search it out. Give your life some meaning. Take yourself on a journey and find out who you really are.

    You Are Not Alone

    Remember that although you are in pain, you are not the only one. Get online. Start talking to people. Call a suicide prevention hotline. Go to the forums and find out what others have done to combat their feelings of loneliness and depression.

    Do not let your thoughts run your life. Thoughts are just thoughts. They are not truth. Remember this. Feeling alone is a belief in your head, and it isn’t necessarily true. I know they feel like they own you, but you have the power to take back your life and own your thoughts.

    Find others who have struggled with your issues and ask them what they did and how they found some peace. Read books. Listen to podcasts. Why reinvent the wheel? If others have been able to succeed, learn from them.

    Maybe you need a friend to talk to. Maybe you need a support group. Maybe you need a therapist. Maybe you need a hobby. Maybe you need to find something, anything that gives you the slightest glimmer of hope. Search. If you can’t find any of those things, then give me a shout (carrie@acinglife.com), because my inbox is always open.

    There Are No Words

    Maybe there are not enough words or not the right words. Maybe nothing I can say will make you change your mind. Maybe I will fail at my task, but I hope not.

    I hope you take my words to heart and understand that I have felt your pain, and not just for a few days or weeks or on occasion. I have felt your pain to the core of my being and to the depths of my soul, for years and years. I have plotted my death too many times to count. Yet, I’m still here.

    So, every day is another chance for me to try to get others to understand that they are not alone, and that depression and loneliness are fixable conditions. The human condition is a beautiful, complex assortment of struggles. You are not alone in this.

    Suicide is not the answer. Death is final. But, you my friend are reading this now, and I believe you have some hope, even if it’s only a tiny little glimmer. I believe you can survive and that you will survive. I believe that, like me, you can also be a voice for change and hope.

    Never give up. Every day is a new day to fight, and every day is a new day to recreate yourself.

    If you are struggling please reach out for help: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ (1-800-273-8255).

  • You Never Know What Someone Is Going Through, So Be Kind

    You Never Know What Someone Is Going Through, So Be Kind

    “Give everyone the benefit of the doubt today…” ~Lori Deschene, Tiny Buddha’s 365 Tiny Love Challenges

    Here’s something I’ve learned firsthand: No matter how someone looks or acts, you truly never know what’s happening in their lives.

    Five years ago my husband Walter was dying from cancer. Twice during a thirteen-month period he was hospitalized, thirty minutes away from our home.

    I spent about ten hours a day at the hospital, plus travel time during those long weeks. I was a wreck.

    I don’t know what I looked like to the outside world. Inside, I felt impatient, angry, sad, out of my mind with grief, and tired. Still, I had to interact with the world like everyone else.

    I had to put gas in the car, go to the bank, buy dog food, and grocery shop. I had to walk through the world and be polite or wait my turn, when all I wanted to do was break down and cry or yell. Everything felt hard and surreal.

    During those times when Walter was hospitalized I got into a routine. In the morning I would stop at my local coffee shop to get a latte on the way to the hospital.

    For some unknown reason during this time I also started craving banana cream pie—it was a bright spot in my day. On my way home from the hospital I would stop at the pie shop near my house. This routine helped keep me sane.

    What I will never forget about the time period, and what stands out the most, are the small kindnesses that strangers and friends offered me.

    One morning I was running late to get to the hospital, and when I went to get coffee there was a long line—almost out the door.

    I knew my husband would be waiting for me, wondering where I was. I felt really stressed about it.

    Out of desperation I asked the person directly ahead of me in line if they would mind if I went before them because I had to get to the hospital. He said no problem and then asked everyone else in line if I could hop to the front.

    Everyone said yes, even though I’m sure we all needed that morning coffee equally.

    It may sound like a small thing, but I will never forget it. It helped me feel supported, got me on my way, and dropped my stress level down a notch. When you’re already in overwhelm mode, that’s huge.

    At the pie shop, the same woman worked the evening shift during the week. One day, while she was boxing up my piece of pie, she started asking me questions about myself. I gave her a thumbnail sketch of what was happening.

    She handed me the pie that night and wouldn’t take any money or a tip—it was on her, she said.

    Every night after that, she would box-up a super-sized piece of banana cream to go. Again, it might seem like a small thing, but it meant more to me then I can ever explain. In the midst of the bad stuff that was happening there were so many small acts of kindness that filled me with gratitude.

    We really never know what’s going on in someone’s life—what news they might have gotten that day, whether they just lost their job or have a loved one who is ill. That’s why it’s so important to lead with kindness as often as we can.

    Give everyone the benefit of the doubt instead of taking something they say or do personally.

    I know there were times that my reaction to the normal everyday annoyances was way out of proportion to what was actually taking place. I was doing the best that I could at that time to be polite and hold it together.

    Now, whenever I get frustrated or annoyed with someone’s actions, I remind myself that I don’t really know what’s going on in their life. I try to take a breath, not take it personally, and trust that they are doing the best they can.

    You may never know how much a small act of kindness will affect someone.

    I can tell you though that for me, the kindness of strangers and friends kept me going during one of the worse times of my life—they were a lifeline. I continue to remember them and will for the rest of my life. I truly believe acts of good will last a lifetime.

  • How to Live Out Loud: 8 Lessons for an Authentic, Empowered Life

    How to Live Out Loud: 8 Lessons for an Authentic, Empowered Life

    Woman on car vacation travel waving

    “To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

    Growing up, I was shy, bullied often, or ignored because I couldn’t stand up for myself.

    My parents, immigrants from Colombia, South America, bequeathed me an inheritance of brown skin, brown eyes, and a language full of emotion. Nothing like the world I was thrown into.

    I started kindergarten not knowing a word of English, trying to find my place in a sea of white faces. I stood out like a fly in milk.

    I was teased and ostracized in class and during recess, until the nuns stopped the torture. I grew up smart and pretty, and over the course of my life, that got me by. I learned to hide my self-doubt behind my looks and mind.

    For years, I tried to adapt to a world I felt I didn’t belong to. I felt like a chameleon, turning a different shade of color based on the situation.

    The pressure to fit it was greatest after college. I bought into the “more is better” philosophy. Status and material possessions became my goal. I became successful playing a game I thought I was winning while losing my individuality and creative spirit.

    A Shift To Authenticity

    As I have advanced in age, I have learned a few things about being authentic. My outlook on life changed after the birth of my son and the two years I spent as a full-time mother. I no longer craved attention or felt the need to belong. The playfulness of my childhood returned to my life through my son.

    Reflecting back on this critical phase of my life, I realized that what brought me into a mature assessment of my values was a combination of three things.

    First, I spent time in meditation and quiet reflection, often in nature. Being in nature connected me to a spiritual source within me, and that became the origin of my personal power and confidence.

    Second, I remembered how to play. It may sound frivolous, but play is learning. When you play, you tap into joy and creativity, uninhibited by judgments and criticism. Play opens the imagination, and this is the beginning of manifesting your dreams.

    Third, I began to spend more time on what I cared about and less time on what I call my “shoulds.” I can always tell when I am out of harmony with my true nature by asking myself if I am doing something because I feel I should do it or because it inspires and energizes me.

    How to Create An Authentic Life

    Currently in my fifties, I now make choices that align with my values, even if it displeases someone else. I continue the practices I began when my son was young to stay attuned to what matters most to me in the present moment.

    I learned that unless I placed value on myself, no one would value me. I’ve become less tolerant of ignorance, unkindness, and victimization.

    I have been able to identify a set of practices that sustain and nourish me. These practices lead to an authentic, empowered life.

    Because I practice these lessons, I live an extraordinary life traveling between two countries, doing work that is location independent, and having the flexibility to express myself creatively in ways that benefit others too.

    Lesson 1: Begin to see yourself as more than what you have allowed yourself to believe.

    Spiritual activist Marianne Williamson wrote, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” I see how true this is for me.

    Reach beyond your comfort zone to discover the hidden potential within. Do whatever you find difficult to do, and discover that you possess more power than you had allowed yourself to believe.

    I learned this lesson walking through the rainforests of Ecuador with a family of shamans. There I was, sweat pouring down my face, frizzy hair and mud all over me, trying to keep up with five native shamans on a “walk” through the Ecuadorian rainforest.

    I would never have believed I could do this. I always thought I wasn’t strong enough or brave enough to go into a raw and natural setting and survive. I came out of the experience transformed, asking myself, “If I can do this, then what else am I capable of?” That lesson helps me tap into my power to overcome the challenges that I face every day.

    Lesson #2: Make a commitment and trust that life will hand you the curriculum required to meet it.

    It takes courage to commit to something bigger than yourself.

    You may be committed to being a change agent or building a business that has a significant social impact. You may be a community activist taking on the politics of making change happen in your community. You are thrust into a leadership commitment that exceeds your capacity, but because you have the vision and the drive, you step up to the challenge.

    These larger commitments force you to adapt to the challenge and to bring forth all of your creative potential in service of a larger vision. Life becomes the classroom, and the commitment becomes your coursework.

    For years, I dreamed of building a retreat center in Ecuador, a haven for individuals to reflect and renew their lives and to resolve the unresolved questions of their lives. Every time I thought of doing this, the daunting nature of such a project made me take a step back. After years of dreaming, I decided the time was now to commit, or this would always remain an unfulfilled dream.

    I could not remain the most comfortable version of myself, the one that played it safe, and succeed at this project. I had to develop my capacities as a leader, a project manager and a visionary to manifest this dream. The project became my curriculum, and Ecuador became my classroom.

     Lesson #3: Courage is the active engagement of fear.

    Fear is the one thing that stops you from living an empowered, authentic life. You wonder what people may think of you, or you fear losing acceptance and relationships if you are vulnerable and authentic. You listen to the gremlin telling you that you are not enough. You stop trying and growing.

    You have three choices: You can allow fear to stop you, ignore it, or engage and transform it into the energy that propels you forward.

    Think of fear as a message to pay attention, telling you that there is something you need to address. For example, your fear might be showing you that you need to challenge your people-pleasing nature, or you need to work on your self-confidence.

    Engaging your fear positively allows you to anticipate problems and find solutions. It causes you to focus on the essentials to achieve remarkable outcomes. Distractions fall away, and you can accelerate your goals.

    Courageously engaging your fear allows you to transform its negative energy into the positive energy of movement.

    Lesson #4: Become the center of your universe.  

    What does it mean to become the center of your universe? It means you make a choice for your well-being first and foremost. It is a conscious choice for self-care. It is a way of loving yourself.

    You begin making healthy choices such as choosing to get enough sleep instead of staying up all night. You choose to eat healthy and nourishing food instead of skipping meals or eating junk food. You choose to have life-affirming, respectful, and loving relationships. These are all ways to express how much you value yourself.

    This expression of self-love is the foundation for self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-care. Without it, you cannot create an authentic and empowered life.

    Lesson #5: To grow, you must embrace the fullest expression of yourself. 

    If you let others define you, you will never know yourself and you will never find peace and happiness. You will always live someone else’s version of your life story. You will never know your beauty and greatness by being someone you are not. The incongruence between how you live and who you are will cause dissonance, distress, and disease.

    Seek out people and activities that bring forth that creative expression of your heart and soul. If you want to go on a cross-country trip or spend a month taking cooking classes in Italy, find a way to do that. If you want to stay close to home, learn a craft, play a musical instrument, or attend literary lectures. These all have the potential of sparking your creative potential.

    These are not frivolous pursuits, although some may claim that they are. These are ways of opening yourself up to the inspiration that leads to an authentic life.

    The things that inspire you will attract the right relationships, the right work, and the right life for you. 

    Lesson #6: Myth: You have a purpose in life. Wrong!

    Seek self-knowledge; discover your true nature and purpose will find you. As you age, what you care about will change. That’s how you grow and evolve. You will discover that there are many ways, not just one way, to express yourself authentically.

    Be attentive of when you feel depleted or when you feel yourself struggling. Notice when you feel energized and inspired, when your passion is ignited. These are all clues to what you want to include or exclude in your life.

    Asking, “What is my purpose?” leads you through a maze to nowhere. Stop looking for your purpose and start looking deeply in the mirror to know yourself first.

    Purpose is the result of being authentic and living in harmony with that.

    Lesson #7: Engagement coupled with reflection brings clarity.

    A good friend recently asked me, “How did you decide to move to Ecuador, even part-time? I’m trying to make some changes in my life, and I don’t know how to begin.”

    I thought about it and realized I had combined two ways of being that seem to be in opposition of one another, but together they form a powerful method to go through transitions.

    I thought a lot about what I wanted and I spent time observing myself here and in Ecuador to find the truth about what I wanted out of my life now. I tried new things, like living in Ecuador for three months and leveraging technology to be able to work remotely, to see how I could design this new life that was calling to me.

    This combination of reflection and action is like creating the journey, one step at a time, as you’re walking it. Simply reflecting on a change doesn’t work any better than thoughtlessly moving from one activity to the next.

    Taking one action, reflecting on it, adjusting, and then taking another action creates the steps to living an authentic life. Eventually, you will arrive at your destination.

    Lesson #8: Make curiosity your greatest ally.

    Being curious is opening yourself up to something new. Leading an authentic, empowered life means learning new things about yourself and the world all the time.

    It requires a high level of self-awareness and an enhanced quality of attention to gather the insights that teach you how to design your extraordinary life. Curiosity is the way you engage life as the adventure it is.

    —

    I believe that until we become authentic in the way we work and live, we will not be able to find real joy, fulfillment, and happiness. It is only through an authentic life that we can empower ourselves to do the work we were meant to do in the world.

    If you feel like you are leading a stranger’s life, you probably are. You can change that. It takes courage and being around the kind of people who appreciate and love you.

    Everything you believe about yourself holds the possibility of being less than the truth. What if those beliefs are the source of your unhappiness? Consciously choose to believe something more empowering, and it will change your life.

    You deserve to be you in your fullest expression. You deserve to wake up each day feeling confident and healthy and loved. It starts with you. Start now.

  • Why Playing Hard to Get Doesn’t Work (and What Does)

    Why Playing Hard to Get Doesn’t Work (and What Does)

    Happy Couple

    “Confidence isn’t ‘They will like me.” It’s ‘I’m perfectly fine if they don’t.’ ” ~Unknown

    After the death of my husband, I spent my thirties as a single mother of four children. It was a tough decade. I often felt lonely and frustrated, and dating was a nightmare.

    I constantly gorged on self-help books, hoping that they’d reveal whatever my “problem” was so that I could fix it and finally find the love I so desperately craved.

    Many of these well-intentioned books contained dating tips designed to make someone fall in love with me. They invited me to steal hearts, catch and keep partners, and otherwise engineer my romantic success by adopting certain behaviors considered to be desirable.

    Could it really be as simple as getting off the phone first, not returning a phone call, or saying that I was busy even though I was home folding laundry? Since I really wanted love and it was for the good of all, I thought, “Why not? All’s fair in love and war, right?” The thing is, these strategies never worked for me.

    Perhaps you can relate. You want to share your life with someone, and you’re more than willing to do what it takes to make that happen. Maybe you hope to learn a few easy hacks so that you can check finding love off your to-do list and get on with your life.

    We’d all like to find a fast and easy way to get the things we want, myself included. Unfortunately, looking for the easy way didn’t work for me, and it wasn’t until I accepted that and got down to business that I attained any results worth achieving.

    The problem with relying on dating strategies like these is that they only address behaviors, not beliefs. Your behaviors are important, but it’s your beliefs that drive them.

    If you don’t address the source of your behaviors, lasting change won’t be possible and your behaviors and beliefs won’t be consistent. This is why some people seem “fake” and other people who do the exact same things come off as genuine.

    Many relationship books encourage us to behave in ways that are consistent with having confidence and valuing ourselves highly. If you don’t truly value yourself, acting like you do might mask this fact, but eventually the truth will come out.

    No amount of game playing will turn you into a high-value person. Believing in your own value and acting accordingly will.

    Take an honest look at yourself with a true desire to discover, not criticize yourself. Be loving and gentle with yourself and be curious.

    Are you treating yourself well? Do you establish and keep good boundaries in your relationships and at work? Do you stand up for yourself when you need to? Are you taking good care of your body, finances, and home?

    Listen to the thoughts you have about yourself. Are you kind to yourself in your own mind? Do you beat yourself up constantly? What do you truly believe about your own worth? Whatever your beliefs are, your relationships will eventually reflect them, regardless of which dating strategies you try.

    If you know that you aren’t valuing yourself highly, address that instead of pretending in an attempt to convince someone else to value you. A person of high value will naturally command respect, without counting the minutes until it’s acceptable to return a text or agonizing about whether or not to give someone a call.

    How can you begin to value yourself and show up in the world as a confident person? Will you eat healthy foods? Get enough rest and exercise for your own well-being, not just so that you can look good on dates? How about saying no to working late for the fourth day in a row and cancelling plans with your friends (again)?

    Are you willing to set boundaries for how you will be treated in relationships? What do you do when your date is late, doesn’t call when he or she promised, or is inconsiderate? Do you ignore it and hope they will change or do you address the issue?

    Choosing to treat yourself well isn’t selfish; it’s necessary for a healthy self-esteem. We all value people who are confident and value themselves. People will treat us the way we teach them to. It’s never too late to make a new choice.

    Games like not calling or playing hard to get are intended to help us behave how a naturally confident person would behave. It’s always better to cultivate genuine confidence than it is to fake it. True confidence comes from valuing ourselves.

    Once we reach adulthood, it’s our responsibility to create the lives we wish to lead. Accepting this responsibility can be daunting at times, but it’s one of the most empowering things we can do for ourselves. No one else can do this for us, as much as we wish they could.

    When we step up and decide to lead the best lives possible, commit to being the people we want to become, and refuse to back down when it’s hard, we will value ourselves more highly and inspire others to do the same.

    Ultimately, this is much more rewarding than pretending to be busy on Saturday night and refusing to take phone calls at certain times.

    As for me, I finally learned how to make better choices and found real love instead of relying on tips and tricks. It has made all the difference.

  • How to Turn Your Sensitivity into Your Biggest Strength

    How to Turn Your Sensitivity into Your Biggest Strength

    “Never apologize for being sensitive or emotional. Let this be a sign that you’ve got a big heart and aren’t afraid to let others see it. Showing your emotions is a sign of strength.” ~Brigitte Nicole

    We have a problem in the modern world that needs to be addressed.

    It impacts huge numbers of the population but is so ingrained in our culture that it’s easy for us to overlook how dangerous it can be.

    This problem is the denial of sensitivity.

    We often associate sensitivity with weakness, but when we learn how to manage our energy and emotions we can actually become more controlled, empathetic, and driven.

    Most people suppress their sensitivity, not realizing that it’s a very powerful source of productive energy once they can learn how to accept it and direct it toward something positive.

    For a large portion of my life I would feel emotions very intensely, whether it was while watching movies or noticing the feelings of those around me. I guess you could say I was a natural empath.

    Unfortunately, I did what most people do in Western society—I cut these feelings off at the source, intellectualizing everything and separating my head from my body.

    However, over time I eventually learned that the more I avoided feelings, particularly negative ones, the longer they would persist. It was almost impossible to let go of things. It wasn’t uncommon for unresolved issues that I hadn’t thought about in years to come up in a dream.

    Now through meditation and mindfulness practices I’ve learned to sit with my emotions and use sensitivity to feel more joy, be guided by my gut, and employ all that emotional energy in creative and constructive ways.

    Why Do We Deny Our Sensitivity?

    According to Researcher Elaine Aron, about 15-20% of the population are highly sensitive due to the nature of their nervous systems. These people generally have an inclination toward overstimulation, emotional reactivity, and empathy.

    Whether I fall under this umbrella or not never interested me that much. What interested me was that our culture often finds it culturally inappropriate to experience or express sensitivity, even though there are millions of us living somewhere on that spectrum who could get much more out of life if we just learned to use our emotions!

    How Can You Turn Your Sensitivity into a Strength?

    There are many ways to do this, and it’s partly going to be dependent on you as an individual. However, there is an overarching point to keep in mind, and that is to accept yourself and your emotions as they are, not to repress or avoid them or to feel guilt for having them.

    Repression or avoidance often leads to what are known as meta-emotions, emotions about emotions, such as being angry because you are sad, or feeling guilty because you are excited.

    You want to stay as far away from a lot of these as possible, as they can be confusing and dangerous. Just try to experience the emotion as is and accept it for what it is.

    Recently I had an experience whereby I caught myself doing just this. I found myself in a social situation feeling frustrated with someone else’s behavior. I then became judgmental of my own frustration—it didn’t fit with my self-image of being cool, calm, and collected—and this morphed into anger at myself.

    After a five-minute dance of unnecessary negative meta-emotions, I was able to catch myself and realize that it was okay to just allow myself to feel frustrated. The person I was dealing with isn’t perfect, and neither am I.

    Sitting with Your Emotions

    Most people have a whole host of conscious or unconscious avoidance behaviors that stop them from feeling both negative and positive emotions. Their sensitivity can make it seem like the experiences are too overwhelming, so they intentionally cut them off.

    This can be something as simple as turning the T.V. on after work to avoid reflecting on the problems of the day, to avoiding commitment to a lifelong partner or drinking to numb the stimulation of complex social environments.

    In fact, one way I personally used to deal with this was to read books, particularly about psychology, philosophy, or spirituality. By doing so, I was ignoring or intellectualizing any confronting emotions I had, which gave me an excuse to ‘deal’ with them without actually dealing with them.

    I’d also find myself diving head first into new projects or jobs or even sometimes travelling to new cities, because at the time they seemed like a quick fix solution to any uncomfortable feelings I was experiencing.

    To counteract this tendency, which we all share to some degree, we need to recognize an emotion when it is there, accept it for what it is, nonjudgmentally, and physically sit with it for moment before letting it go.

    Make Use of Your Passion and Creativity

    One trait that often comes with being sensitive is being passionate and creative.

    Sensitive people are often artists, and vice versa, as they are more aware of their emotions and better able to communicate them to others through their work. Sadly, traditionally schooling tends to value science and business related skills from an early age, and so as children we may be encouraged away from our creative endeavors.

    If you feel you are passionate about something you should never shy away from following it, no matter what anyone else says. You should use any strong feelings you have as a compass that tells you what you want to be doing with your time.

    Take Breaks and Reflect

    Sensitive people often tend to be very reflective. If they spend too much time in intense environments (which is most of the time in large cities) they can become overwhelmed.

    We can use this to our advantage by engaging in reflective practices such as journaling, and allowing ourselves time to let our batteries recharge.

    By taking specific time out of our day to stop and think, whether that be at home or in nature, we can become more aware of our situation and the subtle nuances that are impacting us in our day to day lives.

    Suppressing our sensitivity is never a healthy option. If we can learn to manage it with these practices we can use it to our advantage and allow it to become one of our biggest strengths.

    How have you managed your sensitivity? Have you found any ways that help you to use it to your advantage? Let us know in the comments!

  • How We Can Use Our Painful Emotions for Good

    How We Can Use Our Painful Emotions for Good

    Sad girl

    “The great gift of human beings is that we have the power of empathy.” ~Meryl Streep

    Growing up I spent a lot of time on the Internet browsing websites and looking at images. One image that stuck with me as a child showed an old man lying on a hospital bed, with tubes running into his mouth. In his hand, he held a “no smoking” sign.

    As I stared at that image I began to think what it must be like to face the horrible consequences of failing health. I imagined the pain, the regret, and the desperation for a second chance. He wouldn’t get a second chance, though.

    I lost myself in that moment, becoming the old man. Embodying his pain, regret, and his desire to warn others as a way to ease his pain. I learned through his experience, instead of my own, not to smoke.

    Deconstructing the Lesson

    By seeing the old man on his deathbed, we understand his mistake intellectually. However, through empathy, we can learn much more deeply. Through empathy, we create a painful association in our mind, much like classical conditioning, to a behavior.

    This experience led me to avoid cigarettes because I associate them with pain, regret, and desperation. The old man used his painful emotions for good: He gave others a chance to learn from his mistakes. Now, I want to share my story, so that others can learn from my mistakes.

    Painful Emotions

    In middle school, I dreaded gym class. Not because I hated exercise, but because having the entire class stare at me while I finished the run last was humiliating. Being overweight most my life, this was my reality.

    For me, being overweight made me feel that people didn’t want to be seen with me. For me, running was reserved for other people. Being overweight meant low self-esteem, low confidence, and shame; I hated it.

    Unlike the old man, I still had time to change.

    Each night after dinner, I would grab my mp3 player and go outside for a walk. The mp3 player had songs that stirred up my emotions and gave me motivation.

    Focusing on all the pain that comes with being overweight, I drove myself to change. I vividly imagined myself finishing last, over and over. I decided that would never happen ever again.

    Night after night, I walked and walked. Finally, I started to ride my bike, and slowly, I started to notice I was losing weight.

    Months later, on a walk home, I decided I was going to run back. Running in my free time was not typical for me, as you can imagine, but surprisingly, as I broke into a run, I felt stronger than I had ever before.

    The feeling of the air rushing by me was incredible. For the first time in my life, I associated running with pleasure. It felt like I was flying, so I put my arms out like an airplane and smiled.

    Deconstructing the Lesson

    A lot of people say exercise takes discipline, but I say it takes empathy. In my story I empathized with myself—my future self. I wanted a better quality of life for myself in the future.

    I wanted an escape from all the painful emotions of being overweight. I didn’t even know what it was like to feel the air rush by when running. Being in shape showed me that being overweight feels like you are cemented to the ground by comparison.

    The purpose of my story is to shed light on being overweight. If you are healthy, don’t take your health for granted; don’t go through what I went through.

    I enjoy this quote by Tony Robbins: “Success doesn’t just show up one day. Failure doesn’t just show up one day, it adds up from all the little things. Failure to make the call, failure to check the books, it’s failure to say I’m sorry. It’s failure to push yourself to do something. All those little failures add up and one day something cataclysmic shows up, and you blame that, but it’s because all the little stuff added up.”

    We don’t just run once and say, “Alright, I’m fit for life now!” Each day we make the little decisions that add up to our outcomes. I learned that lesson the hard way, but I used my painful emotions to bring positive change.

    Sharing Your Painful Experiences

    By sharing our stories, we give others a chance to learn from our mistakes instead of letting them learn the same way we did. Viktor Frankl is a great example of this kindness.

    In his book, Man’s Search for Meaning, Frankl chronicled his experiences as an Auschwitz concentration camp inmate during World War II. He describes how we all have freedom over our minds, and how we can leverage that freedom to decide the meaning of our experiences.

    Viktor decided that he would survive the concentration camp to make sure that something like this would never happen ever again. That decision to give his experience an empowering meaning gave him the willpower he needed to survive.

    Deconstructing the Lesson

    Sharing our painful stories with each other is not being weak; I believe it’s being strong and considerate. I believe that we should not be ashamed to be vulnerable and share our darkest times.

    We can choose to use empathy to learn from others and help them, and we can use our painful emotions to help others learn from our mistakes. Both approaches give painful emotions a new usefulness in our lives.

    For example, if we find ourselves grieving the loss of a loved one, a breakup, or other unfortunate event, we can decide the meaning of our experience, as Victor Frankl did.

    We can change the meaning of losing a loved one from loss, to discovering a new appreciation for all the loved ones we still have. Similarly, we can change the meaning of a break-up from disappointment, to new opportunities and insight.

    Just as I imagined the pain of being overweight to bring positive change, imagine the consequences of prolonged grief. If we don’t change the meaning of these tragedies, our life may begin to suffer.

    If we re-live the breakup over and over, we may decide to never open up again, for fear of another disappointment. Imagining the pain of living life that way can serve as the impetus for change.

    In the same way as I did, we can imagine the emotions our future self may feel if we don’t make a change.

    Through these events, we grow in our ability to control our emotions, and to help others who will inevitably face these same challenges.

    While we wouldn’t desire these emotions, nor seek them out, we can view them as learning experiences for ourselves, and others. In Man’s Search for Meaning, we learn that through our suffering we may discover our purpose in life.

    For Victor Frankl, his purpose is to share his story to ensure that nothing like that ever happened again. For me, I want to share my story to show that our painful emotions can be used for positive change.