Tiny Buddha

Category: happiness & fun

  • 5 Habits of High Self-Esteem to Adopt If You Want to Be Happier

    5 Habits of High Self-Esteem to Adopt If You Want to Be Happier

    “Stop beating yourself up. You are a work in progress; which means you get there a little at a time, not all at once.” ~Unknown

    Ten years ago, when I was in my early twenties, I wasn’t really my own best friend.

    I was in college and although things were going okay with my studies, I wasn’t very happy.

    When I made a mistake or failed I beat myself up for days or sometimes weeks.

    I mostly focused on the negative and rarely took the time to appreciate the small and wonderful things about my life and myself.

    I compared how I looked, my results in school, and success while dating—or more accurately, the total lack of dates—to what other people had and their results.

    I was stuck in a rut of negativity and low self-esteem. Not a good place to be in.

    But finally, after many years, I broke out of that rut.

    It wasn’t easy. But step by small step I made changes in how I thought and how I viewed the world and myself. I stumbled along the way and many times I fell back into my old negative habits.

    Today I’d like to share five habits that helped me to make that big change in my life, that I still rely on to this day and every day to maintain and build my self-esteem.

    1. Compare yourself to yourself.

    One of the first things I decided that I needed to stop doing was comparing myself and what I had to other people and what they had.

    But what to do instead, since replacing a habit tends to be more successful than trying to just stop doing it?

    I decided that I would compare myself to myself instead.

    To look at how I had grown. How far I had come. How I had become more successful in small or bigger ways.

    2. Be kinder toward other people.

    One interesting thing I discovered was that when you are kinder toward other people in your life, you tend to think about and treat yourself in a kinder way, too.

    And the other nice thing about this is that how you treat others is how they tend to treat you in the long run.

    So I have found it very helpful to focus on being kind in my daily life.

    This kindness doesn’t have to be about big things.

    It can simply be to:

    • Just be there and listen fully for a few minutes as you let someone vent
    • Give a genuine compliment
    • Let someone into your lane while driving
    • Take a few minutes to help someone out in a practical way by giving advice, using Google to help them find something, lifting a heavy table, or making arrangements for a dinner at a restaurant

    3. When you stumble, be your own best friend.

    Instead of beating yourself up when you make a mistake, fail, or stumble in some way, ask yourself: How would my best friend or parent support me and help me in this situation?

    Then simply do things and talk to yourself like he or she would.

    This simple change in perspective can help you to not fall down into a valley of depressed thoughts, but to be constructive and optimistic about what you do from here on out.

    4. Leave perfectionism behind.

    One of the biggest reasons why I beat myself up so much was that I often wanted things to be perfect.

    And so I held myself to an inhuman standard, in school and whatever I did, really.

    A big problem with this mindset was, of course, that I often did not do things at all because I was afraid that I could not do them perfectly. Or, I felt it would be too much work and quit before I had even gotten started.

    Just realizing how this mindset was hurting me and people around me helped me to let go of it and adopt a healthier outlook.

    Also, reminding myself that there is a thing called “good enough” and focusing on reaching that instead of perfection helped me not only to get better results, but also perform better in all areas of my life.

    It also helped me to stop procrastinating so much and to take a lot more action to improve my life step by step.

    5. Keep in mind why your self-esteem is so, so important.

    Here is my experience with improving my own self-esteem in the past few years:

    • Life will become simpler and lighter, because you will not make mountains out of molehills nearly as often anymore.
    • You’ll be less needy and more stable as a human being. When you like yourself more, when your opinion of yourself goes up, then you’ll stop trying so eagerly to get validation and attention from other people.
    • You’ll sabotage yourself less. By raising and keeping your self-esteem up, you will feel more and more deserving of good things in all areas of your life. So you’ll go after these good things more often and with more motivation. And when you get them, then you’ll be a lot less likely to self-sabotage because you know that you deep down actually deserve to have them in your life.
    • You’ll be more attractive in any kind of relationship. With better self-esteem you’ll get the benefits listed above. And all of that is highly attractive in any kind of relationship. No matter if that relationships is with a friend, at work, in school, or with a partner.

    All these huge benefits have also made my life happier. And as I move through my days I keep these very important reasons for keeping my self-esteem up and improving it in the forefront of my mind.

    Doing this simple thing has done wonders for my own self-esteem and for my motivation to make it a top priority in my life.

  • 3 Lessons from Traveling That Lead to Everyday Happiness

    3 Lessons from Traveling That Lead to Everyday Happiness

    Ehren Prudhel in China

    “Remember that happiness is a way of travel—not a destination.” ~Roy M. Goodman

    After graduating from college I took off to explore Europe for four months with one of my best friends.

    We backpacked through fourteen different countries and learned things about the world and ourselves that we never expected. We often joked that we learned more about life and ourselves traveling abroad for four months than we did going to school for four years in college.

    When you’re traveling, you get a whole new perspective on what really matters, and you feel this sense of adventure and excitement that reminds you just how many possibilities you have in life.

    Still infected with the travel bug, I decided last year to spend six weeks with a good friend in China. In the land of Buddhas, bikes, and chopsticks, I remembered three important lessons that have helped me find happiness and fulfillment in everyday life. (more…)

  • 50 Ways to Find Creative Inspiration

    50 Ways to Find Creative Inspiration

    “If we look at the world with a love of life, the world will reveal its beauty to us.” ~Daisaku Ikeda

    I have always loved that scene in American Beauty when Ricky Fitts shows his video of a plastic bag blowing in the wind.

    He’s the complete opposite of his neighbor Lester Burnham, who seems to have decided long ago to live life in a comatose state of submission, completely disconnected from authentic joy.

    Ricky seems inspired by everything that most people simply overlook. He explains of his bag video:

    “It was one of those days when it’s a minute away from snowing and there’s this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes.

    “And that’s the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and… this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video’s a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember—and I need to remember. Sometimes there’s so much beauty in the world I feel like I can’t take it, like my heart’s going to cave in.”

    Though it can look different for all of us, I suspect this is the feeling we wait for in life: a sense that there’s boundless beauty out there, and we have the capacity to feel, channel, explore, and express it.

    We all want to feel moved, and then to use that to create love, joy, passion, and purpose.

    If you’ve been feeling stuck or uninspired, these ideas may help you find inspiration. (more…)

  • Make Peace with Your Past: Find the Good and Embrace the Lessons

    Make Peace with Your Past: Find the Good and Embrace the Lessons

    “It’s not the events of our lives that shape us but our beliefs as to what those events mean.” ~Tony Robbins

    Daughter of an alcoholic. Welfare recipient. Teenage mother. Non-college attendee. Poor decision maker. Unhealthy relationship participant. Financial disaster. Evictee.

    All of these statements described me. They also propelled me into action, transforming me into an over-achieving perfectionist. Yet they still weighed me down because I felt like I had to constantly prove I was better than my past—better than the circumstances from which I came.

    It took a lot of effort.

    It took a lot of energy.

    It was a burden.

    I gained a lot of knowledge, built a tremendous skill set, and developed expertise. I was successful on the outside, but on the inside I felt like nothing more than a fraud. 

    I avoided events where the question of what college I attended may surface.

    I avoided situations that would put me in the company of highly educated people, for fear that their vocabulary would be beyond my understanding and I would appear stupid.

    I avoided conversations about any topic that I did not feel a level of expertise in discussing.

    I avoided talking about my past and my history.

    Avoidance became a whole new skill set—one that I executed with a level of mastery. At some point I began to realize this game of charades was not in alignment with my core values of honesty and integrity.

    I began to realize that the energy I was putting into creating a false image of myself was taking away my ability to live my life fully and openly.

    I began to realize that in order to move forward, I had to come to terms with my past, to extract the good, to carry forward the lessons learned, but to leave behind the all of the garbage I’d outgrown.

    Good like…

    The kindness and generosity shown by to me strangers, neighbors, family, and friends when I was in the greatest need. The people who cheered me on and believed in me when I did not believe in myself. The few who knew my biggest, darkest secrets and loved me anyway.

    Lessons like…

    Understanding that no matter how much you want something for someone else, the only person you have control over—that you can change—is yourself.

    Accepting the fact that when you blame other people for what is wrong with your life, nothing is ever going to get better.

    Realizing that no matter how bad a situation seems in the moment, someone else is surviving, sometimes even thriving, in much more difficult circumstances.

    And also…

    What you believe about yourself and your limitations will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

    And, it doesn’t matter how “successful” you seem on the outside if you are miserable on the inside.

    When my perception shifted, so did my life. Today I embrace who I am—all of me—the good, the bad, and the ugly. 

    I am grateful for all of the experiences I’ve encountered.

    I realize that I was judging myself far more harshly that anyone else ever could.

    I let go of the belief that I had to hide from my past.

    I let go of the belief that I was “less than.”

    I let go of the belief that I was not worthy.

    I no longer pretend.

    I share openly and, in claiming my story, it not only helps me but also helps others on their journey. It gives them the courage to share their truth, to stop hiding and start living.

    Recovering perfectionist. Student of life. Woman of strength. Overcomer of obstacles. Seeker of growth. Embracer of truth. These are the descriptors I’ve added to my life story. The rich and messy truth of my past makes possible the true success of my todays.

    What beliefs are you clinging to that are holding you back? Where in your life are you feeling like a fraud? What are the tough and painful lessons that you can be grateful for today when you look through this new lens of perspective?

    Reflect. Journal. Dig deep and find the answers. It’s in this process—in your truth—that you will find true happiness, success, and self-acceptance. It’s where healing begins. It’s where you will find peace.

  • Be Happier with What Is by Letting Go of How Things Should Be

    Be Happier with What Is by Letting Go of How Things Should Be

    Embrace the Moment

    “What you do today can improve all your tomorrows.” ~Ralph Marston

    Have you ever been stuck and felt like you’re spiraling around the same space over and over? It’s just like Groundhog Day.

    Every day, you have new intentions about how it will be different only to be left with the same hollow feelings at the end of the day.

    You feel sadness for the dreams of what could have been and maybe even what should have been.

    At forty-five I found myself unexpectedly in this place, stuck like my feet were almost tied to the ground. All the usual ways of getting through it weren’t working.

    I couldn’t run away from it. I couldn’t push through it. I couldn’t go around it. I couldn’t pretend it wasn’t there.

    It just was there. It wouldn’t budge.

    I felt overwhelmed and burned out, and no books, courses, or friend’s advice seemed to have an effect.

    I just kept coming back to the same point of inertia, always left sitting on the edge of my power.

    I had this nagging doubt that as a coach I should know better and somehow be exempt from the stories of resentment, blame, self-criticism, imperfection, and failure that chattered away in the background of my mind. As if I shouldn’t have a low mood because surely I should have figured this one out by now.

    They say the only way out is through and that was definitely true for me.

    I reached a point where I just had to be in the center of my experience and be with the vulnerability that I was so desperately skirting around the edge of.

    It happened by chance while I was on an early morning run with the dog.

    It was a fresh, crisp autumn morning, the kind where the blueness of the sky just takes your breath away. My feet were soaking from the wet grass and I was struck by how warm the sunshine was on my face.

    I felt the impulse to stop running, sit down on a bench, and close my eyes. I followed my breath and imagined that I was breathing in the sunshine through the top of my head, down into my body, and then out down through the soles of my feet. Then, I reversed it.

    I sat doing this, and suddenly out of nowhere an image came up. It was a life plan that I’d written many years back when I was stuck in my last corporate job and trying to figure a way out. 

    It was on one piece of paper and it had my ages moving up to the age of sixty (anything beyond was considered bonus), alongside my husband’s and kids’. There weren’t many specific landmarks other than the when the kids would take their exams and some dreams I had to run my own business.

    What struck me as I saw this image in front of me was how perfected it was.

    There were implicit assumptions that I could suddenly see clearly displayed in front of my eyes. There I was through all these ages, the perfect earth mother, always patient, creative, consistent, kind, and loving. 

    I was a role model holding down a career, coaching, writing, running a successful business, and making a difference in the world. I juggled and balanced with grace and ease. I was a gorgeous wife who looked great, handled all the household stuff without complaint, and was still able to be a sexy goddess.

    I never lost my temper or argued. I travelled and adventured through life, felt good about myself, and experienced peace and happiness.

    I was perfect in every way and got things right all the time.

    Staying with the breath I noticed that I felt really emotional. The emotion was sadness, and for once I allowed myself to be with it. I just sat with my dog sitting next to me on this bench, in the middle of nature, with a mixture of sunshine and tears on my face.

    About five minutes passed and I felt a shift. I had an intense clarity that what was keeping me stuck was the tightly held grip I had on how I believed it all should be.

    The perfected image that I was holding for my life that was causing me to push against who I truly am. The incessant push to keep improving myself and be anything other than who I actually am.

    You see, my real life is messy and very imperfect.

    As a mother I’m spontaneous, which often means I’m not consistent and I prickle and get impatient when we don’t attend to the routine things, like homework or tidying up. I get frustrated when it feels like everyone else is making demands and my needs don’t feature.

    I often feel like I’m caught in a system where I believe my girls need to be children, discover their passion, and follow their own light spots; but they’re in a school system and culture that believes and reinforces that you need to be above average in everything and learn information that feels irrelevant to them.

    I want to praise but I catch myself criticizing when it all piles up and I feel overwhelmed.

    I know I open and close my heart in my relationships, and I’m only just beginning to get my head around this whole notion of unconditional love.

    Our house moves from being neat and tidy to disorganized and cluttered.

    One of the most regular arguments is about where the car keys are and why there’s no petrol in the car and how there’s no time to fill up on the way to drop the kids at school!

    These two images—the perfected and the reality—were where my struggle came from.

    Every time I bumped up against the perfected image of how I thought I should have been as opposed to how I am, I got twitchy and self-sabotaged by being self-critical and creating my inertia. 

    It was easier to reach to be anything other than who I am because it reinforced the old familiar story that I am not enough as I am.

    It’s this insight that helps me to release and let it go.

    What’s left in its place is the reality of my imperfection.

    I now see how my desire to be perfect has me lose the very thing that I’m seeking, which is to feel happy and at peace with myself.

    The real work, my soul’s work, is to stand in the center of myself and open up the vulnerable part of me that’s scared I really am not enough to make the difference I want to in the world.

    The part of me that reaches to be shinier, bolder, smarter, and any other “er” that could help. The part of me that worries I repeat patterns and don’t get it right as a mum. The part of me that so desperately wants to be enough and perfect, which has me react against others that display the perfected image I think I should be. The part of me that feels scared and alone and so separates rather than leans in.

    To listen to my soul calling requires me to begin the work of self-acceptance and self-compassion and change my old story of not being enough.

    It requires me to let go of needing my work and life to look and be a certain way, and instead be present to how it is now and what wants to unfold.

    What I did on that day will improve my tomorrows because I learned to open up my vulnerability, lean into the emotion, be with it, and see it as guidance.

    The sadness was there to move me and as soon as I stopped avoiding it, I could hear its wisdom.

    Your vulnerability is your biggest permission slip to change your tomorrows. It’s the doorway in to what you’re seeking. It doesn’t make you weak. It gives you strength. It helps you see your limiting story and find your empowering one.

    Photo by Hartwig HKD

  • 5 Reasons to Use Your Gifts and Do What You Love

    5 Reasons to Use Your Gifts and Do What You Love

    “Man is only truly great when he acts from his passions.”  ~Benjamin Disraeli

    Like many of us, I had a difficult childhood. My parents’ relationship was unhappy and unhealthy, and their misery left me feeling alone, afraid, and anxious most of the time.

    My environment was so unpredictable that I often withdrew from family and friends, losing myself in the comfort of my own creativity.

    I fell in deep and indescribable love with music at a very young age. The radio became my confidant, my protector, my therapist, my escape. I would sing and preen and pose like a rock star, imagining thousands of frenzied fans singing my songs back to me with tears in their eyes.

    Music inspired me to do everything. Create art. Write songs. Sing. Dance. Act.

    By the time I was a teenager, I knew exactly who I was and what I wanted to be. I was a good writer—infinitely curious about people and what made them tick. And music was my passion.

    I wanted to travel the world as a rock journalist, follow my favorite bands, write about their lives and music, and live like a rock star. And one day I would start my own band, get onstage, and be a rock star. Those things would be my “gift” to the world.

    But it never happened.

    I listened to people who told me my dreams were too big. That jobs for rock journalists were few and far between. That I wasn’t being realistic and would never make a good living that way.

    So I did what I thought I should. I found a stable corporate writing job that offered health benefits and a nice retirement plan. And eventually, I lost touch with the creative, spontaneous, audacious girl with gigantic rock-star dreams.

    I shifted my focus to a more responsible, practical life. I had no time for frivolous hobbies or daydreams. And very soon, I was restless, bored, angry, and miserable.

    I changed jobs often and with every new job, my misery deepened. My anger escalated. I wasn’t sure why.

    I blamed the work. I blamed the environment. I even blamed the people I worked with.

    It was only through an extended bout with depression that I uncovered the greatest source of my anger and unhappiness. During a therapy session, my counselor encouraged me to think back to when I was happy in my life.

    “What were you doing that made you happy, Angela?” she asked. “How did you spend your time then? How did it make you feel?”

    I realized that I was happiest when I was using my creative gifts: music, writing, art, and performance. Using my gifts made me feel like me. And hiding them away was making me miserable.

    So I committed to re-discovering my creative self and honoring my gifts. It was scary for me, so I started small. I committed to one hip-hop dance class.

    And suddenly the damn was broken. Before I knew it, I was singing again, designing jewelry, taking photographs, teaching myself to play the guitar. Anything and everything that sparked a creative fire in me was fair game.

    And very soon after, I felt happy! Like me. Like I had taken in a huge breath and finally let go. I became more positive, more optimistic, more joyful than ever.

    This journey has taught me so many things about the gifts we’ve all been given and why it’s so important to honor them:

    Our gifts are an expression of our deepest selves.

    They’re not just things we “do” with our time. Our gifts reflect who we are at our very core, and who the world needs us to be. When we deny that, we deny our true nature and cause ourselves great pain.

    Using our gifts keeps us aligned with a purpose.

    Our gifts point us in the right direction, help us focus, and show us a clear path to joy. When we discover our gifts and learn how to use them, we no longer worry about who we are and why we’re here.

    Using our gifts builds our confidence and self-esteem.

    Many of us have to push past a great deal of fear and resistance to use our gifts. Every time we do that, we feel more confident about pushing even further, and more certain that everything we’re doing is a step in the right direction.

    Our gifts fill us up and validate us.

    Using our gifts make us feel whole and deeply fulfilled. Having that measure of happiness in our lives keep us from seeking fulfillment and validation in empty vices, material attachments, addictions, and unhealthy relationships.

    Our gifts help us help others.

    When we do what we’re good at—what we truly love to do—and we share it with the world, it helps other people find their way, too.

    I’ve started writing again and getting back in touch with that audacious girl with huge rock-and-roll dreams—the one who still jumps up and down and screams out loud when her favorite band comes to town. I think the world really needs her.

    I’m also working with a mentor who encourages, guides, and supports me with an incredible amount of patience, compassion, and humor.

    This journey has been tough. I’ve spent a lot of time questioning and second-guessing myself and my gifts. But I’m thrilled to report that I’ve finally surrendered. In fact, should I ever backslide into questions and self-doubt again, I’ve asked my mentor to reply as follows:

    “Shhhhhhh. Faith, Angela. Keep writing.”

  • Release the Fear of Not Measuring Up and Share Your Light

    Release the Fear of Not Measuring Up and Share Your Light

    cartwheel

    “You’re imperfect, and you’re wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.” ~Brené Brown

    I believe that it is part of the human condition to want love and connection with others. For some of us this comes much more naturally and abundantly than it does for others.

    The universal thing we all share is that at some point along our life journey, there will come a time when our self-worth is on the table for questioning.

    I can clearly recall the first time my self-confidence was rocked. I was seven years old and full of energy, life, and good old-fashioned cheer.

    I spent endless summer hours skipping rope, riding bikes, playing tag with the neighborhood kids, and had recently discovered the art of performing cartwheels on the back lawn—what a rush!

    At the time we lived in a duplex. My mom was a single mom. My dad passed away when I was only six months old, leaving my older brother Eric and I behind.

    Of course I didn’t realize it at the time, but while my mom was the most amazing mom around, I didn’t have a male role model in my life and must have really felt that loss.

    My mom and I still share a giggle over a story from when I was two years old. I very eagerly staggered out into the street during a holiday parade to profess my love or “wuv” for the policemen and firemen as they passed by.

    It just so happened we had a police officer living next door to us. It was a warm summer evening and he had guests out on his deck enjoying a barbeque. I also just so happened to be outside once again, perfecting my cartwheel.

    I remember gearing up to showcase them my newly honed skill. I composed myself and very deliberately set off down our bumpy, sloped lawn toward their deck.

    I gave them one impeccable cartwheel after the other, without any break in between, until I reached the end of the lawn and the start of the blackberry bush.

    I turned to face them with a victory smile and a silent “ta-da!” but instead of receiving anticipated applause and approval, I was met with roars of laughter and a snicker: “Wow, what a showoff this one is!”

    I was instantly deflated and utterly crushed.

    I clearly remember feeling the heavy pit in my stomach, and the accompanying sting of tears and hurt I fought back as the heat rose from my belly to my cheeks. At seven years old I stood there with my heart wide open, looking for approval only to feel squashed and ashamed.

    Fast-forward another twenty-eight years and it all sounds a bit silly to me now, yet somehow the hurt is still quick for me to recall.

    This was, of course, not the experience that taught me the great life lesson of expressing and honoring my worth as a human being.

    That came much later with far more extensive bruises, bumps, and lessons, but this memory is one that stands out to me because it was the first time I ever thought to myself “Maybe I am not good enough, and maybe I never will be.”

    I don’t believe there is a human out there that doesn’t have this inner child in them that yearns for the reassurance that they are okay. Most of us have had at least one experience somewhere along the line that has left the lingering question of whether or not we are good enough.

    I think we all carry these wounds around with us. Some of us face unthinkable things and suffer from much deeper wounds and fears than others.

    I guess the point is, at any given time we are surrounded by others that have felt insecure and unloved, that worry about being worthy of belonging and can relate to what may be one of our biggest fears.

    I just can’t help but think if we all gave ourselves permission to not be so hard on ourselves, or to each other, the ride could be a little gentler. When we come back to that place in life where our hearts are open, we are less likely to be so critical of others and of ourselves.

    The simple act of sharing a heartfelt smile with a stranger on the street, or praising a young child for being completely amazing by just being who they are, is empowering and contagious.

    When we loosen our grip on our fear of looking foolish or not measuring up, and instead share our light and love with others, the magic of life seems to naturally unfold.

    The best part is, we help give others the courage to do the same, to find their way back to remembering how totally awesome and worthy they are right now as they are.

    I should add that while I never did become a gifted gymnast, I will on occasion bust out my best cartwheel moves on the back lawn with my kids, or on the beach just because. Now I always follow it up with a “ta-da” and a pat on the back I deserve for purely being human.

    Photo by Louise Palanker

  • When Trying to Be Positive Brings You Down

    When Trying to Be Positive Brings You Down

    “Serenity comes when you trade expectations for acceptance.” ~Unknown

    How many of us have caught ourselves feeling as though we’re imposters when we’re trying to talk about a difficult situation in a positive light? We’re often fed the idea that how we feel is in how we decide to see life, which, I agree with; however, sometimes I think that idea gets taken to a deceptive extreme.

    In the midst of one of my mini-meltdowns the other day, I called my friend and told her what had been going on in my head the last few months.

    “It’s sounds as though you have some shame issues with your experience. It’s okay to admit that you’re disappointed and angry. You need to allow yourself to accept it. It’s the first step in healing…” my friend asserted as I was invalidating myself while I attempted to explain how I felt about the last year of my life.

    “What a relief,” I thought to myself as she went back and validated every one of my thoughts and feelings.

    Have you ever known something in the back of your mind, but you needed someone else to bring it to the front?

    Any time I talked about my experience, I would always do my best to portray it in the best light possible. We’re supposed to be optimistic about how we see life and our experiences, right? The problem was that I was doing it at the cost of compromising the authenticity of my story.

    I moved halfway across the nation, leaving behind my well paying (but miserable) job, friends, and family in search of finding work that filled instead of drained me. I accepted a one-year position as an intern counselor at a residential boarding school, working with adolescents coming from particularly challenging backgrounds.

    I loved working with the students and learned invaluable lessons from them and their stories.

    I hated constantly feeling as though I wasn’t (good) enough.

    I poured everything I had into that year, and admittedly, there were definitely times I failed because I struggled to find the support I needed while carrying the weight of a massive life upheaval, trying to be “present” for my friends and family back home, and balancing helping to guide the students through their issues while trying to not retrigger my own.

    Additionally, I couldn’t meet all the expectations coming from so many different people and places, so I did the best I could but it didn’t cover everything.

    Though I would tell a friend that is all you can do and that is good enough, like so many others, I am my own worst enemy and consistently felt like a failure.

    I returned to my home state feeling defeated not only regarding my performance at the school, but about returning without having found what I set out looking for.

    I felt even more clueless and lost than before I left, and it was embarrassing. Who leaves everything behind looking for something, and then returns without it?

    My friend continued to gently remind me that not everything is within my control when I’d protest saying things like, “but isn’t how we see life all about our perceptions? Aren’t we supposed to be able to go out and fix things if they aren’t filling our needs or change how we look at them?”

    “So, it wasn’t what you were hoping it would be. That’s not your fault. You need to admit and accept that you feel the way you do, and it’s okay. Trying to cover up what’s really going on might be what’s holding you back from moving forward.”  

    Oh. Right.

    When she said that it seemed like the most obvious thing in the world. It’s okay to say that there were some flaws with the program that had nothing to do with me. It’s okay that the experience wasn’t perfect. It’s okay that I wasn’t perfect.

    I was trying so hard to always put a positive spin on my story that I wasn’t really telling my story anymore, and that subtle lie was corroding my own sense of self-worth.

    All that said, I do believe in doing our best to “look at the bright side,” so to speak, but not before we can honestly assess our experience and accept how we really feel.

    It’s only when we can be truly honest with ourselves about how we feel that we will be able to find the positive lesson, heal, and move on.

  • Letting Go, Trusting, and Allowing Yourself to Be Happy and Free

    Letting Go, Trusting, and Allowing Yourself to Be Happy and Free

    “Letting go gives us freedom and freedom is the only condition for happiness.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    First, let’s be clear about something…

    Surrender is not about giving up, handing power over, or failing. It is not waving the white flag of defeat.

    We are so used to striving and trying so hard for an outcome that anything outside of that formula seems like self-sabotage.

    It isn’t. In fact, surrender is the pinnacle of evolved and enlightened behavior.

    Surrender is the beautiful soft space of acceptance. It is an allowing—allowing life to unfold and to be what it is, irrespective of your agendas, expectations, and judgments.

    It’s that arms-wide-open energy that is deeply rooted in trust. Relaxing and trusting that, even though things might not seem perfect or they might not be according to your plan, that everything will turn out just the way its meant to for your highest good.

    Why do we want to embrace surrender? Because this is how we get out of our own way.

    This is how we experience a life of real freedom. Free from our limiting self-beliefs, emotional blocks, and negative self-talk—all the stuff that prevents real growth and transformation. Ultimately, preventing you from an extraordinary life—a limitless life.

    At first, the journey into surrender can be very destabilizing. Be assured, you will question it, resist, and try to force stuff to happen, but eventually, when you completely let go, you’ll discover that surrender is the space where everything starts to shift.

    Surrender allows us to step into our lives ready to receive, completely able to manifest, and willing to embrace everything—the good, the bad, and the ugly—with an open heart. It’s from this place that real magic happens.

    To really understand surrender we need to look at its opposite.

    Can you relate to any of these scenarios?

    1. Something unexpected has happened and you feel a bit down in the dumps.

    Are you comfortable with moving on quickly? Or, do you get stuck on how you believed a situation should have played out?

    Notice if you notoriously hold a grudge or can’t handle it when things don’t go to plan. The only person that suffers in this situation is you. Turning an annoying situation into a crisis doesn’t help or do anything to change it.

    2. You are working on a project that you really care about. You’ve hit a wall, a plateau.

    Do you see that as a clear sign you need to back off? Or, do you grip the reins tighter and try even harder?


    This one’s for you if you insist on doing more, going further, pushing through, even when it’s time for a breather. This type of behavior will send you straight to Stuck-ville, a place devoid of creativity and joy!

    3. In a discussion or argument, is it possible for you to admit when you are wrong, say you’re sorry, or compromise?

    Or, is it your way or no way at all?

    Take note, self-confessed control freaks and know-it-alls! This type 
of attitude is a direct route to self-sabotage. This narrow-minded behavior will block you from experiencing different perspectives and detaching from limiting ideas.

    Wouldn’t it be so incredible to be free from this energy of control, attachment, resistance, and fear? What kind of life could you live if you were limitless? Free? Wholehearted?

    In hindsight, I see that the universe has been coaxing me to let go from a very young age. I think maybe I was born holding on. To what, I’m not sure—my place in the world?

    But I do know my grip was tight. I’ve always been light-hearted and happy, but underneath that lived a layer of effort, so structured and controlled that in the end I did nothing. At a standstill, road blocking myself. Life was unnecessarily exhausting.

    Ten years ago surrender wasn’t even a concept I was familiar with, let alone one I could fathom embracing. I had no idea that I was about to embark on a master-class in surrender.

    How Do We Come to Surrender?

    There are three distinct ways that we can come to a place of surrender.

    A Lack of Control

    Sometimes you look at your life and ask yourself if you can change or leave a negative situation. When the answer you get back is a resounding no, it’s in that moment that the only thing left is acceptance.

    Honestly, that’s most of the time. We often have no control over the situation, but we do have control over what we choose to do, what we think, and how we feel—that’s surrender.

    When Everything Falls Apart

    All hell has broken loose. Crisis in its many forms, death by fire, stuff is going down. Surrender, whether you realize it or not, has come knocking on your door.

    If you don’t listen you are just going to go down in flames, figuratively speaking. Instead of armoring up, ready to fight, perhaps a deep breath and a reminder to trust will throw you safely into the arms of surrender. A more peaceful response.

    By Choice

    Through awareness, personal growth, and intuition we can invite surrender in when it comes knocking. It’s a choice made in the present moment. Seeing reality for what it is and opening up to it wholeheartedly.

    Over the last thirty-one years, I’ve been tripped up by many moments, but it’s only been in the last ten that I could almost hear the words “Surrender! Surrender!” chiming in my ears with each stumble.

    It sounds like the message had fallen on deaf ears, right? I mean, why else would it keep coming my way?

    Well, we are creatures of habit and habits are hard to break. It’s not a rip-it-off-quick type scenario. We may have to fall down a few times before the message gets through and we realize that the path we are walking is leading to a dead end.

    It wasn’t that long ago that I fell down a few times before I heard the call to surrender. I had a back injury that was preventing me from moving forward in my yoga practice. I tried to manage the injury, but really, I wasn’t listening to its call. I resisted and, of course, the injury persisted.

    Energy flows where attention goes. And my attention was certainly stuck in the limitations of my back. All I could think about was how to fix it. I was so frustrated with my body.

    Surrender finally came to me four weeks before my wedding day when I put my back out, again. I emailed my teacher to let her know I would be back soon. She replied, “Take three months off, practice at home, and break the cycle.”

    As I read her words I could feel my grip tighten on my routine, my practice, my yoga. Even then, a year after I first sustained this injury, I was still resisting and controlling.

    Bizarrely, within days, I realized her email was a divine message. So I listened. The four weeks leading up to my wedding day were the most incredible days. I practiced without rhyme or reason, I went to random yoga classes, practiced outside, or didn’t practice at all.

    The irony was, I felt stronger, more balanced, and more connected than I had in a long time. She was right. I had to surrender to break the cycle

    Today, I know that surrender is part of my divine journey. I am still on the surrender train. I don’t think I will ever stop learning, nor will you.

    The beauty, though, is that now I know what surrender looks like, how it feels and fits in my body, what size and shape I can wear comfortably.

    I now know that letting go—right in those moments when I really don’t want to—is always right for me, so I respond faster when I hear the call. I know that the life I truly want—limitless, free, and abundant—comes from that space of pure, openhearted surrender.

    It’s from that rich territory of surrender that we finally let go of the limiting energy of control and force.

    And when we aren’t controlling, we have completely stepped out of our own way. We are ready to receive, to tap into the abundant possibilities available to us, and to manifest a life free from restraint and restrictions.

  • 20 Ways Sitting in Silence Can Completely Transform Your Life

    20 Ways Sitting in Silence Can Completely Transform Your Life

    “Silence is a source of great strength.” ~Lao Tzu

    For over two years I spent one out of every four weeks in silence. At the time I was living at a Zen Monastery and every month we would have a week-long silent retreat.

    During this retreat we sat meditation in silence, ate in silence, worked in silence, and only communicated through hand gestures and written notes.

    At first living like this was hard, but over time I learned to grow to appreciate silence. By the time I left I learned that silence was my friend and teacher.

    What did silence teach me?

    1. Satisfaction

    I used to think I needed to watch TV every night. But at monastery I went without and discovered I didn’t need it.

    Silence taught me to be happy with less. Pick something that’s weighing you down and let it go. Your life will thank you.

    2. Expression

    When you can only talk by writing a note, you only say what’s important. Before the monastery I talked a lot but said little.

    Silence taught me that a few simple words well spoken have more power than hours of chatter. Think of one simple thing you can say that would help someone feel better and say it.

    3. Appreciation

    Being able to speak makes life easy, but when I couldn’t talk I learned how much I relied on others.

    Silence taught me to appreciate the value of relating to others. The next time you see your friends or family, try to really listen. Deep listening expresses deep appreciation.

    4. Attention

    Several times at my first retreat I thought my phone was vibrating. But then I would remember I didn’t have my phone. It showed me how my phone divided my attention.

    Silence taught me how important it is to let go of distractions. The next time you are with someone you care about, try turning off your phone and putting it away. It will make paying attention easier.

    5. Thoughts

    I once sat a retreat next door to a construction project. What amazed me was how easily my thoughts drowned out the noise. I realized if my thoughts were this loud, I’d better make them as wise as possible.

    Silence taught me the importance of shaping my thinking. Take time each day to notice your thoughts and let go of thoughts that don’t serve you.

    6. Nature

    Because I sat retreat in every season, I know that the sound of wind in fall is different than it is in winter.

    Silence taught me to notice nature. Take a short walk outside in silence and you’ll discover the wisdom and peace that nature has to offer.

    7. Body

    During retreat I noticed that whenever I got lost in thought, I lost track of my body. And when I focused on my body, my thoughts would calm down.

    Silence taught me to be in my body. Close your eyes and ask, “What sensations do I feel in my hand?” Learning to feel your body can calm your troubled mind.

    8. Overstimulation

    Whenever I went into town after retreat, the world seemed so loud and fast. I came to realize how much our senses have to process most of the time.

    Silence taught me the importance of reducing the stimulation. Enjoy some quiet time everyday. The less you see and hear, the more settled your mind can become.

    9. Sound

    People would come to the monastery and remark how quiet it was. But living at the monastery I knew all the noises, from frogs, to owls, to the sound of sandals on the sidewalk.

    Silence taught me that the world is a rich texture of sounds. Sit in front of your house and close your eyes. You’ll be amazed at what you hear if you listen long enough.

    10. Humanity

    During retreat I was surrounded by imperfect people who were doing their best. Some were happy, some were sad, but all were wonderfully human.

    Silence taught me that people display great beauty. Find a good spot to people watch with an open heart. What you see may inspire you.

    11. Space

    For a long time anytime something difficult came up, I would just distract myself. But retreat taught me that if I avoided something it would never go away.

    Silence taught me that space helps me face hard times. The next time you face something difficult, pause and honor whatever’s arising.

    12. Love

    I used to think love was this big thing. But in retreat I found that I felt love for so many things.

    Silence taught me that love can be simple. Think of someone you haven’t said I love you to recently and tell them.

    13. Courage

    I used to think courage was about facing danger, but during retreat I realized that real courage is about facing yourself.

    Silence taught me the courage it takes to be still. When we stop moving everything we’re running from catches up. The next time you are afraid, stop and wait for it to pass. There is immense courage inside your heart.

    14. Perseverance

    Every retreat reminded me that speaking is easy, but staying quiet is hard.

    Silence isn’t flashy, but it has an immense power to endure. The next time someone doubts you, instead of disagreeing, silently vow not to give up. Action speaks volumes.

    15. Faith

    I often ask for reassurance or feedback. But living in silence meant I had to trust my instincts.

    Silence taught me to have faith in myself. The next time you begin to feel anxious, sit in silence and see if you can find the space of deep faith that lives in your heart.

    16. Honesty

    I used to lie so I wouldn’t have to explain myself. But when I couldn’t talk I began to notice this impulse and how much it degraded my integrity.

    Silence taught me the importance of telling the truth. Notice times where you tell little lies and try telling the truth instead. It isn’t always easy but it’s the first step to trusting ourselves and others. 

    17. Gratitude

    During retreat I didn’t have a lot of comforts. It helped me see how much I took for granted and how much I had to be grateful for.

    At the end of every day sit in silence and ask yourself what am I grateful for. You’ll be amazed at the blessings you discover.

    18. Simplicity

    I used to love drama and conflict. But at retreat I found I was happier when I kept it simple.

    Silence taught me that simplicity and joy are close companions. Pick one space in your home you could simplify. Keep it simple for one month and enjoy the ease it offers your life.

    19. Connection

    I used to think I had to talk in order to feel connected. I realized during retreat that I can feel connected just by being near people I care about.

    Silence taught me that words can get in the way. Do something in silence with someone you love. It will be awkward at first but eventually you will see what it means just to be in someone’s presence.

    20. Truth

    I studied philosophy in college and I thought I could read about truth. But retreat taught me that truth is found in silence.

    Silence has taught me a deeper truth than words ever could. Sit in silence once a week and feel the truth in your heart. It’s there whether you can express it in words or not.

  • Why Giving to Others Is Also Giving to Ourselves

    Why Giving to Others Is Also Giving to Ourselves

    Free Hugs

    “Don’t wait for extraordinary opportunities.  Seize common occasions and make them great.” ~Orison Swett Marde

    I stood at the library counter waiting to check out a stack of books when I overheard an overworked woman explain to the librarian why her books were late.

    “My boss has me running his errands after hours. It’s a miracle I made it on time to pick up my daughter from daycare,” she said.

    “Are you a personal assistant?” the librarian asked.

    “No, I’m a paralegal,” the woman explained. “But staffing is tight, and if I don’t take on the extra tasks I might lose my job. I can’t be picky in this economy.”

    I understood the woman. Years ago, when my children were younger, I took on extra tasks both because I needed money and because I could not say no. I connected with her story and wanted to do something to let her know she was not alone.

    But what could I offer her?

    The desire to give to others spontaneously was as reflexive as smiling. I had learned it over the years by watching others give to me when I was in no position to give back to them.

    I rummaged in my purse and found two tickets to the movies I had earned from working overtime. I abandoned my books at the counter and followed the woman and her child outside.

    “Excuse me,” I said. “I couldn’t help overhear your conversation about work. I understand what you’re going through because I’ve gone through it myself, and I want you to know I appreciate you even if your boss doesn’t.”

    I handed her the tickets. “Take your daughter to a movie,” I said.

    Her eyes widened and filled with tears. “Thank you,” she said. “You’ve just made my week.”

    That small gesture of solidarity, understanding, and generosity made me feel as close to the woman as I could get to my twenty-two-year old self who worked too many ungrateful hours for too many ungrateful bosses just to help my family survive.

    PBS’s special, “This Emotional Life,” explores the healing power of giving through volunteerism and philanthropy.

    Research shows that once people have enough to meet their needs, additional money and time do not increase their happiness. It’s only when the donor gives away the additional money and time that the donor’s happiness is increased.

    According to Emma M. Seppala, Ph.D., people benefit from giving by connecting with others.

    Humans have a built-in need to relate, resonate, and mirror each other. In a world increasingly dependent on technology, the gift of giving of oneself increases intimacy and reduces the likelihood of loneliness.

    Giving ripples out in waves like a stone plunked into still waters. It connects us in a tangible way. It makes us realize we are not alone.

    Giving doesn’t have to be complicated or grand. It can be an encouraging smile or a gentle hug. Fifteen minutes of attentive listening can be as valuable as a one-hour massage.

    After all, it’s not how much we give, but how we give.

    If we give from the heart, in a desire to connect, then we seize a common occasion and make it special, which is much different than if we give to a great cause out of obligation or self-importance.

    You also don’t have to have a structured system of volunteering and philanthropy to enjoy the benefits of giving. It can become a habit you develop over time until it becomes an integral part of your life.

    Start by paying closer attention to the people you encounter during the day. Soon you will recognize an opportunity to give.

    If you’re leaving a crowded parking lot and notice someone driving around looking for a spot, you can signal for the person to take your parking spot.

    If you see an overwhelmed waitress struggling to keep up with your table’s demands, you can leave a larger tip to show your appreciation. If you notice someone walking around with a permanent frown, you can flash your comforting smile and shine a tiny light on that person’s dark heart.

    Generosity isn’t only for strangers. You can weed a neighbor’s garden, cook a meal for your parents, or pay a visit to someone you haven’t seen in a while. Giving to those you know and love the most prevents you from taking them for granted.

    An odd by-product of giving freely out of compassion and love is how it makes the giver feel. The more you give from a place of unconditional generosity, the more joy you feel. Giving makes you realize how much power you have to make others feel better about themselves and their lives.

    Go out and give whatever you have to whoever needs it. Seek ordinary moments and make them extraordinary. Life truly is a special occasion.

    Photo by Jesslee Cuizon

  • Life Happens Now, and Other Lessons from a 500-Mile Walk

    Life Happens Now, and Other Lessons from a 500-Mile Walk

    Walking

    “If you do nothing unexpected, nothing unexpected happens.” ~Fay Weldon

    In September of 2012, I flew from Idaho to Spain and began a 500-mile pilgrimage walk on the Camino de Santiago. I arrived in St. Jean Pied-de-Port without any expectations and a blank canvas in my mind. I will treasure the imaginary painting that developed over the next thirty-five days until my last breath.

    This trail has attracted at least 2,000,000 people over the past 1,300 years.

    From prior experience, I know that being in an environment where everything is on the outer edge of comfort zones always results in personal growth.

    In this crucible, the sleeping quarters were group bunks, I did not speak the language, my phone rested on its cradle in Boise, and walking is a far cry from my preferred devotion to cycling.

    The first third of the trip is for the body. The Pyrenees Mountains and subsequent hills challenge the muscles and stamina finds a new foundation.

    The second portion is for the mind. The Meseta is 120 miles of flat and barren ground. With little scenic distraction, the mind is forced into meditation or inward reflection.

    With a strong body and clear mind, the final 200 miles is for the soul. The lush foliage, steep mountains, and small streams compliment the landscape. Realizing that the end was near, my soul became a sponge and savored every tiny moment.

    In retrospect, the trip mirrored an entire life cycle. Upon arrival, I had no idea about where to go, what to eat, or where to sleep. Like an infant, I relied on the kindness of strangers to help me.

    Within a week, I graduated from baby to teenager. I walked without blisters, mastered the hostels, and made new friends. I knew everything!

    The middle of the trip, like midlife, became a bit routine. Most days began at 6:30-7:00 with toast and coffee followed by walking, resting, lunch, walking, resting, and arriving.

    In Santiago, the trip ended and there was a real finality to the adventure. My friends disappeared and the day-to-day joys terminated. Was it the end or just another beginning?

    The time I spent walking to Santiago taught me a valuable lesson about getting there versus enjoying the journey. The enhancements to my life came in the form of meeting new friends, enjoying a cup of coffee con leche, and imbibing nature. The trip is about living, not arriving.

    I spent a total of thirty-five days wandering through this wonderful corner of the world. If I am fortunate to live to be eighty years old, the time spent on the Camino will represent less that one-tenth of one percent of my life.

    I cannot imagine a better investment of time to receive the benefit of such a powerful transformation.

    Living life in the rear view mirror robs time from the present. While it is impossible to avoid a trip down memory lane, I use my past for learning instead of suffocation. I try to spend as little time as possible in this arena and make an early exit.

    Spending time peering into the horizon of life can be a practical exercise, but also steals precious time from the moment. We cannot experience life when we focus on graduating, getting a raise, getting married, having the baby, sending the kids to college, waiting until retirement, or any other future moment.

    Life happens now. On this magic path, I was sucked into the now. Each day was a new mystery and nothing was arranged or planned. Living in this manner does not allow for time to be wasted on the past or future.

    While I was surrounded with strangers from all over the world, it felt like one big family walking each other home. When the plane landed in Idaho, reality became my welcome mat. Could I transfer the lessons to day-to-day life?

    On the Camino, I walked without worry and everything seemed to work out just fine. Since returning, one of my main goals is to remove worry from life. While serving a good purpose for some people, cable news instilled negative thoughts in my mind, so I cut the cord.

    After pulling the plug, I made a list of worries and came up with a total of twelve entries. I immediately crossed off nine as items that are completely beyond my control. Some of these include my own mortality and a dear friend’s addiction to alcohol.   

    When the remaining three items surface and demand attention, I pull out a piece of paper and create a gratitude list. I do not ignore my troubles, but choose to count my blessings and pay attention to long list of things that are going well in my life. I wake up and ask myself, “What is right today?”

    When I drift into the past or the future, I recognize the waiver. This realization gives me the option to exit. Whatever the circumstances, I strive to be present.

    The Camino is marked with simple yellow arrows that guide pilgrims across the entire 500-mile trail. At home, there are plenty of signs that provide direction and guidance for a better life.

    Feeling trapped is a sign of a wrong job. Fatigue is a sign of energy being used to resist a true calling.  Suppressing intuition is a major indicator that the path forward is the wrong route! 

    Hellos and goodbyes are a frequent and daily event on the Camino. It made me realize that all relationships have a natural ending. Instead of worrying about what may or may not happen, I choose to enjoy my friends and family in the moment.

    The destination on the Camino is the Cathedral de Santiago and it represents the end. The enjoyment happens on the 500 miles that precede this point.

    That’s the main lesson I took from this experience:  it’s up to us to savor every step on our journey through life.

    Photo by Fresco Tours

  • Following Your Internal Compass and Making Your Own Decisions

    Following Your Internal Compass and Making Your Own Decisions

    “Believe nothing no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and common sense.” ~Buddha

    Dad, who at the time was a fighter pilot in the United States Marine Corps, taught me how to navigate using a compass. The family was on a vacation in the Rocky Mountains of Colorado. I was nine.

    He got me up that morning before dawn. Mom made us a huge breakfast. I was so excited because I knew that day, I would climb my first mountain.

    No, it wasn’t Mount Everest or even a huge mountain in Colorado, but for a kid who had spent most of his life in the flat lands of the eastern seaboard, the small mountain within eye-shot of the cabin was a monument of great proportions. I was pumped (even though that phrase didn’t exist in the sixties).

    Once outside the cabin and on our way, Dad stopped for a moment. He looked down at me from above and handed me his engineering compass, which he had used during his Survival School Training. It was like being handed a bar of gold because before that day I was not allowed to touch it.

    “Son, we are going to climb to the top of that mountain and you are going to get us there using this compass,” spoke Dad with a seriousness not to be ignored.

    “But Dad…I don’t know how,” whined I to a smiling father.

    Other than the fact that we made the climb safely, including an encounter with a black bear, I remember few things about that day, and I wish Dad was still alive so that I could refresh my cloudy mind. What I do know is this: I never feel lost, even to this day.

    Sure, from time to time in life I feel confused about where I am or where I am going, but I never feel like I will not get where I am supposed to go. 

    With a compass—any compass—one can always pause for a moment in time and figure out where you are so that you can continue. All of us must change course from time to time because what is surrounding us is constantly changing.

    To not flow with change will only invite disaster. Sure, you may not notice a difference at first, but if you fight that which does not wish to be fought, you will suffer in the end.

    “What the heck are you talking about, dude?” you ask.

    Beyond the obvious, what Dad was teaching me at the time did not take on meaning for many years. On the surface, knowing how to navigate with a compass at sea or on land will only come in handy if you are in a situation where most people would declare, “I am lost and my GPS is out of battery power.”

    Beneath the obvious is an enormous lesson about independence and the ability to travel along one’s own path of life—a path which will never be a straight line, a path with many bends, hills, valleys, oceans of fog, storms, and dark forests. 

    The cool thing is this: you have a compass within your being. All of us do. Call it whatever you wish; this is your choice as a human. I have chosen and I call it my inner voice.

    “Again, Frucci…huh?  Please bring this home.” 

    Become immune to other people’s judgment. Their thoughts of you do not matter—this is truth. In fact, some will say that everyone is afraid of you, which is why they will lash out with negativity first.

    Your internal compass is truth. The physical compass my father handed me that day when I was nine was truth.

    The directions of a compass cannot be denied, and when you have faith that what direction you take based on what you see on the compass face is the correct one, you will arrive at the destination you are working toward. Even if you have to change course from time to time in order to go around an obstruction. 

    Your internal compass is the same, but you must listen to that voice and you must have faith in what you already have—an internal guidance system.

    “How do you know this to be true?”

    I cannot prove it anymore than anyone can prove the existence of anything unseen beyond a shadow of doubt. Only the individual can do that. I only know what I know, and what I know is this…

    When I was in high school, my guidance counselor advised me to not apply to a certain university because I was a “C” student, and the only ones who were allowed to go there were much smarter than me.

    He said with the smile of one who professes supreme knowledge, “Don’t waste your time and your money applying there because you will not get accepted.”

    I heard his words, thought about them, and decided that I was not going to allow another person to dictate my future. My parents drove me to the campus of Carnegie Mellon University for a portfolio showing/interview with the Head of the Department of Architecture.

    I took an exam and a few months later they accepted me, and not the straight “A” valedictorian of my high school class.

    After graduating with honors in 1984 I went on to get my architecture license, working as an architect for over twenty years. The guidance counselor was flat out wrong. 

    How many people listen to the words of others who profess supreme knowledge? How many fellow humans allow their hopes and dreams to be squelched by people who do not know what is inside of them?

    My internal compass was screaming at me from within—and I listened.

    Choice. Yours is speaking to you now as you read these words. Sure, there have been times when I caved and listened to others—many times. And I can think of the disasters that followed from not listening to my voice. 

    Quiet your mind now for a moment and listen. What do you hear?

    Remaining in the present moment, which flows with time, knowing the moment is not static, this is how one is able to hear clearly the voice within. What is your greatest challenge? Do something about it beginning now.

    Of course we all can take the advice and counsel of others. I will always listen to the words of ones whom I respect. But the final say, the composite of all the words spoken, will be finally judged by that which is inside of me and on the terms of my personal compass.

    Only you know you completely. No other human will ever come close. So why would you ever let another human decide anything for you?

    It was my personal compass that guided me—the same compass that I still reference in the present moment of time, which flows, the same compass that will always guide me home.

  • The Path of Heart: Live a Passionate Life Full of Love and Joy

    The Path of Heart: Live a Passionate Life Full of Love and Joy

    Path of Heart

    “Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye.” ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

    In my late thirties, I attended a workshop that was led by a group of coaches. One of the exercises we did was called the “future self-exercise,” a visualization that took me twenty years into my future.

    During the meditation, I was greeted by my future self: a gorgeous, happy, free older me dressed in purple, one of my favorite colors. Her hair was long, flowing, and brown. (So I guess the future me dyed her hair!)

    She was walking on the beach in Maui near her home. She told me that her name was “Warrior Woman.” I was uncomfortable at first with that word, warrior, as my mind associated it with violence.

    When I told her that, she explained that being a warrior meant feeling one’s power with a relaxed, gentle heart. She was supremely calm and peaceful, and I instantly trusted her in every cell of my body.

    Her energy, like that of a child’s merry-go-round, represents the circle of life: moving around and around slowly and happily, experiencing everything joyfully.

    I still have a ways to go—my current energy is closer to that of Disneyland’s Space Mountain: in the dark, not exactly sure where I’m going yet clearly on the right path, loving action, loving speed.

    But what my encounter with Warrior Woman gave me was a vision of myself to work toward.

    Being human, I fixate on what is outside me. I feel the pain of wanting to control things I cannot control. My ego acts like it’s in charge, which can lead to my complaining or acting like a wounded puppy. It is in these times that I remind myself of the warrior’s path.

    The path of heart, the path that leads to love, is a warrior’s path.

    A warrior protects and empowers him or herself and their world. A warrior is centered in their love and therefore experiences deep peace. A warrior is worthy of love and knows this through and through. A warrior knows how to balance being proactive with simply being.

    But warriors are not born. We are made.

    You have a warrior sleeping within you. He is a master of life, of his domain and body. You sense him when you feel the will to do what’s right in the face of adversity. You hear her whisper when you know deep down that the harder path is the one you must take. You feel her rejoice when you experience moments of worthiness, joy, and love. 

    There are five steps on the warrior’s path:

    1. Know and accept who you are now—the good, the bad, and the ugly.

    This step is about revisiting who we are and seeking what is true, even if it’s challenging. This truth is both where you’ve come from and where you are.

    For example, for years I had denied the truth of my abusive childhood in an effort to protect myself. I refused to reflect on the experience or acknowledge that it had influenced my life. But actually acknowledging it was the way out of my pain.

    I also woke up to the truth of my adult life—the fact that I was still making choices from that place of abuse. Acknowledging the truth empowered me instead of enraging me.

    2. Have something worth striving for.

    As we first move into self-love, we often need something beyond ourselves to strive for. It’s easy to fight for someone you love, but you might not love yourself just yet. So until we can fully experience and know that we ourselves are worth it, we must find what or who is worth it in the meantime.

    It can be a relative, a friend, or a personal goal. Having that motivation helps us to actualize our true potential, and in doing so, we realize our own true worth. 

    3. Take action toward your vision.

    When we identify what in our life is worth striving for, we feel the power of our will. We feel as though we are being carried on the tide of purpose. This energy must be channeled into action.

    Consider what you’re saying to yourself and your life when you identify something worth striving for and then do nothing. That’s like researching a fantastic hike, packing your bags, driving to the mountain—and then sitting in the parking lot.

    If you’re struggling to know what to do, I suggest you get quiet and ask for an answer. “Dear Universe: I am unsure of my next action step. Please help me see it and make it clear to me.” Then watch and notice what begins to show up in your life (observation is action).

    4. Let go of the outcome.

    This seems counterintuitive and maybe even ridiculous.

    You’ve just connected with a powerful desire about what you want your life to be like. Then you found something near and dear to your heart worth striving for. And now I’m telling you that you have to move forward completely unattached to the outcome of whether you’ll get the life you want.

    Growth begins with looking at those things we desire most and finding the bliss in working toward them—not in achieving them. Achievement is still the goal, but you only get there by letting go of the need for it.

    In other words, I invite you to fall in love with the process, with the transformation, growth, and healing you are experiencing for its own worth. 

    5. Choose to contribute. 

    It’s only human to think of ourselves first. But now, grow beyond yourself. We do this to fully become ourselves—yet another irony.

    What can I give? How will my life have mattered? These are the questions that lead our feet onto the path of the warrior.

    Their answers provide the heart. Service is at the core of love. This may be calling an elderly relative once a week, working at a soup kitchen, or volunteering at your child’s school, not out of guilt or obligation, rather out of love.

    Transformation won’t come overnight; periods of obsessing and anger over old wounds are all part of the ride.

    Of course I laugh when I find myself using my frenetic, Space Mountain energy—the energy that says I have to do something, and do it quickly (I have always loved amusement parks, and now I understand why).

    I still talk to my warrior and ask her for her wisdom. She feels like the mother in me. I consider my teaching how I do my mothering in the world. The knowledge that warrior is both someone I aspire to be and someone I already am carries me through this adventure called life.

    There’s a warrior in you too. Can you feel it?

    Photo by h.koppdelaney

  • Happiness Doesn’t Make Us Grateful; Gratitude Makes Us Happy

    Happiness Doesn’t Make Us Grateful; Gratitude Makes Us Happy

    Thankful

    “In daily life we must see that it is not happiness that makes us grateful, but gratefulness that makes us happy.” ~Brother David Steindl-Rast

    A few years ago, my life was chaotic. I drank too much, slept too little, and always went with the flow. I didn’t look out for myself emotionally and physically. I burned the candle at both ends and eventually wore myself out.

    I often felt depressed. After my parents’ divorce when I was 18, I lost the closeness I used to feel with my family. My entire focus was on what I didn’t have anymore.

    I was in a never ending loop of feeling depressed, turning to alcohol, disappointing the people closest to me, then feeling more depressed. I had envisioned that I would grow up and my parents would still be a part of my life, but instead I felt like everyone was going their separate ways.

    My dreams of my parents being there for my future wedding were dashed. Celebratory events in my life would never include both of my parents. I was frustrated. It was draining and costly to my soul.

    I wasn’t aware of it then, but I also carried around so many regrets and resentment from childhood. When I was 7 years old, a stranger abused me during a field trip with my ballet troupe.

    The shame and confusion I felt from this experience followed me like a dark cloud. I regretted being too scared to tell anyone. I think in some ways I resented the fact that no one was able to help me.

    When my parents divorced I felt abandoned and it brought back a lot of those terrible feelings. It was like I was slowly imploding. I thought about the past and talked about the past while completely missing the present.

    After years of letting this build up inside me, it finally hit a breaking point. The hurt I was causing myself and family had boiled over. Something had to change.

    I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2011. The world as I knew it came crashing down.  When you’re told you have a life-threatening illness it’s interesting how quickly everything else falls to the side. Time stands still and the past disappears. All you have is now.

    Being thrust into the present I no longer had time for resentments or any negativity at all. I needed all of my energy to fight for my life. Everything I carried with me for so long seemed insignificant to the battle I was about to face.

    Treatment for cancer can have a way of de-humanizing you, at least at first. It strips you down to your basic core self. I felt like a child most of the time. I was completely dependent on my doctors.

    It was like I was scrambling around in the dark, reaching for a hand to pull me out. I was vulnerable and had zero control over the outcome.

    I think sometimes in life we walk around with the illusion we’re in control. To some degree we are, but when faced with an illness you can very quickly be brought to your knees.

    We have a tendency to take life for granted. We just assume we’ll wake up everyday and be healthy. I got so comfortable with the day to day of my life that I forgot what a gift it actually is. It took almost losing that gift for me to finally open my eyes.

    Toward the end of treatment I felt reborn. All of the negative feelings I had about my parents’ divorce faded away. I was finally able to just let it go. My spirit felt calm. I felt optimistic about life again. My spirituality was soaring at heights I had never experienced before.

    Through sickness I found myself. I discovered who I really am and what I’m really about.  I was flooded with forgiveness toward my parents and I was ready to ask for forgiveness for all my crazy behavior.

    During the course of cancer treatment I was able to mend and rebuild my relationship with my parents. I now have happiness that I only dreamed of before. I realize now how much time I wasted being unhappy and I’ll never do it again.

    I wake up every morning grateful to have another day, to have another chance at this wonderful experience called life.

    I make it a priority to eat well and exercise. I rarely drink. I have a disciplined sleep schedule. I go to great lengths to take care of myself on an emotional level, everyday. My body really held up for me during treatment and now I’m paying it forward!

    Recovery from cancer has not always been an easy road. I won’t pretend there aren’t any bumps. My new outlook on life doesn’t allow me to wallow in it; instead, I count all my blessings and keep pushing forward.

    I feel like I turned the most negative experience of my life into a positive experience by taking the lessons I learned while sick and really making the necessary changes in my life. I’m thankful to be given a second chance.

    And, the life I had envisioned for myself? This is what I figured out. I don’t have to hang on so tight for something that isn’t working.

    By letting go of the one that wasn’t working, I naturally created a new vision. This is one of the most freeing things I have ever done for myself. My new vision is attainable, my new vision is already happening. I’m living it now.

    Instead of focusing on what isn’t working in your life, give some love and attention to the things that are. Take a mental inventory each morning of all the things to be grateful for.

    You will soon notice the negative way of thinking will begin to shift and you’ll be able to experience the happiness that is waiting for you.

    Photo by Zaiq Ali

  • Love What’s Right Before You Instead of Hating What’s Missing

    Love What’s Right Before You Instead of Hating What’s Missing

    Friends Jumping

    “I have learned that to be with those I like is enough.” ~Walt Whitman

    I take stuff for granted. I suspect you take stuff for granted.

    It’s almost as if it can’t be helped. When things—family, friends, health, amenities, or money—occupy a place in our lives for years, we naturally begin to view them as commonplace; we assume they’ll forever be, just as they’ve always been.

    Yet this mindset—this “Oh, of course that’s there; that’s always been there” perspective—often seems to prevent us from realizing how much it would mean to us if that something wasn’t there anymore.

    Hello, Asia

    In August of 2013, I moved to Busan, South Korea to teach English for a year to a bunch of elementary school kids (lovable rascals, these kids). Three months later, I can tell you that this experience has been everything I imagined and about 10,000 things I didn’t.

    For a while it was similar to what I’d envisioned—like freefalling through some sort of mythical dreamscape. Everything new and interesting, bright and foreign, so much happening, so much to learn, so much to take in. It was experiential overload, at once intimidating and blissful.

    After a few weeks, though, the feelings of novelty and adventure began to wane slightly; a discord had been created.

    My romanticized visions of my new home were coming into conflict with a feeling I’m sure most of you know very well—the slog of routine, the all-too-familiar, the grind. 

    What happens is this: you begin to get used to the new country; it loses a certain sparkle. You start to notice its flaws, its funny odors, its unsexy idiosyncrasies. You realize that a full-time job in a foreign land is still a full-time job, except 95% of the people around you don’t speak your language.

    You realize, “Wow, I’m going to be gone for a while—a whole year! And I’m going to see exactly zero people I know. Nada. None. For 12 months. Oh.” In terms of culture shock, you’re experiencing the end of what’s known as “The Honeymoon Phase.”

    I had read about these things. I thought I understood that they were going to happen. I thought I knew how long a year was. I thought I knew what I was getting myself into.

    I didn’t. Not really, at least. Turns out it was near-impossible to know what an enormous decision it was to move to a foreign country until I was two months in and questioning what in God’s name I was doing here.

    Lonely? Me?

    As someone who usually enjoys solitude, I’ve been surprised at how lonely I’ve felt at times. You discover a special kind of alienation when you’re in a city of five million people and can’t communicate with anyone. It’s easy to dissociate yourself from your surroundings.

    You start talking to yourself. You feel like you don’t exist. You end up shouting to the music in your headphones (“People will know that I’m here!!”) while walking down the sidewalk as you’re drenched head-to-toe and getting wetter by the second because, as you just found out, there are typhoons here. (Okay, maybe that was just me).

    It’s during those periods that you realize you’d trade your big toe for a few days at home with the people you’ve known for years. To do nothing but laugh a few hours away with those irreplaceable personalities whom you know about as well as your own reflection.

    “Man, that’d be heaven,” you think.

    Sure, you can “connect” with loved ones via Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Gmail, and a trillion other online mediums. You can even indulge in a pretty convincing illusion of face-to-face conversation with Skype or a Google Hangout.

    But as you do, it becomes clear that these substitutes can never duplicate a sizable bear-hug, or an eye-contact-followed-by-uproarious-laughter moment, or the glorious interplay of energies when you’re actually in the same room with people.

    While living in Korea, I’ve realized what an invaluable gift I sacrificed to come abroad—namely, being a car ride away from most all of my favorite people in the world.

    Before coming here, I’d known that I loved my family and friends endlessly—that they meant everything to me—but I don’t think I quite realized the extent to which being near them and being able to see them were vital to my well-being (and sanity).

    I feel I’ve gained a renewed appreciation for those precious people who’ve been there for years and will continue to be.

    When I do return home, I’ll love them just the same as before, but I’ll truly cherish the time I get to spend with them. I’ll try to remember what it was like without them.

    Gratitude is Slippery

    Simply imagine for a few moments what it would be like if all of the people you loved were just gone, so far away that you couldn’t see them. It’s likely difficult to put yourself in my situation, but my hope is that you can sense it—how you would miss the familiar comfort of just being with them, of just sharing a space or a smile.

    One wouldn’t think that the good things in our lives need to disappear in order for us to understand their worth, yet so often this is the case.

    It seems a bit of a paradox, that what is nearest our hearts can be hardest to see. I humbly submit to you that we ought to be attentive to what lies just below our oblivious noses, lest we recognize the value of things only after they’ve left us.

    I’d be a fool (more so than I already am) if I didn’t understand that this don’t-take-things-for-granted spiel applies to me right this moment.

    In a few years, I’ll look back on my time in Korea and know what an incredible opportunity I was given and how much was here to love.

    If I overlook the wonders that surround me in this place and constantly pine for my home, I’ll set myself up to feel only a sort of wistful gratitude later on, when all that remains of my time abroad are patchwork memories.

    So while I now grasp more fully what I left behind to come to this country, I’m focusing on remembering that I came here for what I couldn’t find at home—a different environment, new friends, fresh perspectives. And those things are all around, plain to be seen, so long as I’m not looking through them, at what isn’t here.

    I’m reminded of a sentence Vonnegut once wrote: “A purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved.” I like the whoever especially, but I’d also add whatever, wherever, whichever. 

    In the end, it seems, loving what’s right before us does far more good than hating what’s missing.

    I’m not always keen at seeing what’s near to be loved (so it goes), but here’s to looking a bit closer. Here’s to noticing the important things, before they’re no longer there to be noticed.

    Photo by Antoine Gady

  • When Life Feels Crazy: 6 Questions for Cracking Up & Breaking Through

    When Life Feels Crazy: 6 Questions for Cracking Up & Breaking Through

    Plant in dried cracked mud

    “Every really new idea looks crazy at first.” ~Abraham H. Maslow

    Once, when I was in a painting workshop, I hit a wall of resistance, totally stumped by what to paint next.

    My painting teacher came over to explore some questions that could help unblock me. But my “wall” was concrete, or industrial metal, or super-duper spy-movie-like with some computer-code contraption locking all security systems down.

    “What if a crazy woman came into the room?” she asked me. “What if the crazy woman painted for you? What would she do?”

    “She would explode everything up!” I answered.

    “What would she do on the painting?”

    “She would rip it up!”

    “If with respect for what you’ve already painted you allowed her to go crazy on the paper without covering what you already painted or ripping it up, what would she paint?”

    I looked at the painting. It was an image of me. “She would crack me into a hundred pieces…”

    “Great!” She said. “Paint that!”

    I took out a small brush and started drawing black cracks, as many cracks as I could, cracking the body into thousands of pieces. I felt high as I painted. Free. Without interpretation or need to understand what I was doing, I energetically painted cracks all through my body. I finished the painting with glee.

    A dear friend, who is a Jungian therapist, told me recently about the “Crazy Woman” archetype. The Mad Woman who likes to step in sometimes to shake our world, wake our reality. I told her I knew this woman. I had met her in my creativity.

    But secretly, I was coming to understand her beyond that. In my own life, things felt uncertain, chaotic, ungrounded. I was feeling somewhat like the crazy woman myself.

    I was living alone, a year after divorce in the house I lived in with my ex-husband in Venice Beach, CA. I never felt unsafe or in danger in my home or neighborhood. In fact, I felt the opposite; my home post-divorce had become my respite when everything else in my life seemed turned upside down.

    One random Saturday morning, I awoke to find a young woman, around 25 years old, coming off of some meth or heroin high in my back studio that I usually kept unlocked because the perimeter of my house was well gated.

    She was going through my cupboard filled with old wedding pictures.

    She wasn’t an archetype, but a real person. I had to double check twice to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating. I was in shock, yet typically, when in shock I knew I tended to act unusually calm and reasonable.

    I approached her. “Why are you here?” I asked.

    “I thought I lived here.” She said, seeming vulnerable and confused.

    “I have to call the police,” I said.

    “But I don’t want to go jail!”

    “I’m sorry I have to call…” I said to her.

    She picked up her backpack, and while I told 911 that I had an intruder, she lit a cigarette as she casually walked out the side yard gate and continued down the street away from my home.

    This wasn’t a dream. It really was happening. There was a stranger in my home when I awoke one random morning.

    She left her tennis shoes and socks behind, which I showed the two policemen when they arrived.

    “This happens all the time,” one of the cops said. “Just last weekend we had a squatter make dinner and take a shower in someone’s home around the corner from you. Welcome to Venice!”

    Well, no. Actually I had been living in Venice for ten years. This wasn’t a welcome but a warning sign to make sure my side gates were better protected. Though the young woman seemed fine when she walked away, I still felt shaken.

    After talking to my friends on the phone, telling them about my intruder, I was able to find my ground. 

    I saw the intruder as a reflection of what I had been feeling lately and told myself, “Sometimes it’s okay to see the Mad Woman and to accept her.”

    I knew I was physically safe. She didn’t steal anything either. That night, I put her shoes out on the street corner so she would have them to wear, and in the morning they were gone. Her intrusion woke me up and made me curious to explore deeper. 

    These were the questions upon her departure I contemplated: 

    1. What if I allowed myself to feel as “crazy” as I felt and let myself live the life I always wanted to live?

    How would I live it? (i.e. what would I paint?) Could I let myself crack?

    2. Would I let my controlled, safe little world open up to something new or daring?

    Was I ready to uproot the life I knew and create something totally different?

    3. What if nothing had to make sense?

    If the dots didn’t have to connect? If I didn’t have to know how my decisions would dictate my future? What would I do then?

    4. What if I didn’t have to live according to the rules and expectations I had put on myself and the conditionings put on me that I bought into?

    The ones that were based on how I was raised, my family’s expectations, or the beliefs I was taught to believe about myself?

    5. What if my life was about being fully me, filled up with me, and no one else?

    Not by a relationship or for my parents or my roles in society regardless if they thought my choices were “crazy”—what would I do differently?

    6. What would happen if I accepted feeling out of balance, in unknown territory, and stopped trying to be something other than me presently?

    What life choices might I make then?

    After asking these questions of myself, something told me it was time to take off into a new adventure.

    I thought about things I’d been afraid to do before or resisted: I feared skiing because of my weak ankles, but what if I tried again?

    New York was a place I had thought about living in—what if I went to explore a new city? Or what if I started a new career path? What would I want to create in my life then?

    As I asked these questions, I started to become interested, uncovering layers into exciting new territory.

    So I ask you, what if metaphorically you met your Inner-Mad Man or Woman? What message would he/she have for you? 

    Creating a life change isn’t actually “crazy.” It’s the most fulfilling and exhilarating thing we can do.

    What if you were to take a risk, jump into the unknown, shake up your world, leave your cautious mind and all that it says about you or about how you live your life and ask yourself, “If I were totally free, what would I do?”

    Even if you don’t plan to actually do it, I’d love to hear. Be crazy and just for the fun of it. You never know what can happen.

    Photo by Olearys

  • Your Reality Is a Reflection of What You Believe You Deserve

    Your Reality Is a Reflection of What You Believe You Deserve

    Reflection

    “You are very powerful, provided you know how powerful you are.” ~Yogi Bhajan

    Over the last ten years I have learned time and time again that our reality is a reflection of what we believe we deserve, often on an unconscious level.

    I discovered this about a decade ago while living in Belize—a diving vacation hotspot on one end and gang-infested, poverty-ridden land on the other.

    Back then I was avoiding the 9-5 life. You may say I was running from something, such as routine and following the status quo, but I was also looking to find my worth by escaping my everyday life.

    I now see that my self-worth was pretty close to zero, and the concept of self-love hadn’t had a chance to make its way on my radar.

    Despite the fact that I had the financial savings, my fear and inner lack of deservingness led me to a cockroach-infested wooden four by four. I can’t call it a cabin since there was neither a kitchen nor a bathroom, but luckily there was an outhouse outside.

    Essentially, I had manifested my own jail cell, which represented what I thought I deserved.

    I had seen other gorgeous living spaces that, in reality, were cheap, but when I saw them I thought, “I don’t deserve to be in a place like this.”

    So I settled for a cockroach-infested box that scared the heck out of me. Ultimately, it was too much to bear, and I went off to the next country, once again in a living space that smelled horrendous. I stuck it out as long as I could until I was so low that I had no choice but to leave once again.

    At the time I wasn’t able to see that what I had chosen was a reflection of my low self-worth. I felt like dirt and lived in it.

    For years to come, that fear and lack of deservingness followed me in less than ideal living situations.

    As I started to look at self-love, and practice affirmations, yoga, and meditations in nature, it was like a light went on, mostly unconsciously, until the day came when I consciously realized: I deserve better.

    That was all it took. The moment I made that connection, I released my fear of my small paycheck and took action to improve my reality. I knew I had to take the first step and then the universe would follow and take care of me.

    That belief and faith helped me look for better opportunities, which I finally believed I deserved, and put myself out there to pursue them.

    I discovered that I had to do my part, and then I had to surrender and trust that whatever was in the highest good would manifest.

    As my inner self-worth grew and I took conscious action to improve my circumstance, I finally got my own apartment and a better job.

    The magic in this was that I had quit the old job where I was undervalued even before I heard back from any of the other places I had reached out to.

    I took the risk and made the first step to let go of the old job that was wearing me down, and trusted that all my hard work would manifest a new opportunity.

    That was exactly what happened.

    What amazes me is that our practice of deeper self-love is continually evolving and growing.

    It’s not like one day you wake up and everything is perfect. In reality, it’s common to wake up some days questioning your value, feeling down, and finding yourself in less than ideal situations.

    This is why awareness is the magic key.

    Once you are aware of this, you can change it. Once you can see that you are sabotaging yourself, you can choose to deepen your spiritual practices. This will energize you and increase your faith, helping you take action, which always leads to a more fulfilling reality.

    Through the years I have continued to let go of work opportunities that no longer helped me grow or that negated my value. It’s scary every time you let go of something that feels safe (even if it is draining) but without fail I have found that when you release something that no longer serves your highest potential, you open yourself up to something better.

    And yet the shadow of self-worth still comes up. Sometimes I’ll catch myself looking at something and thinking, “That’s too nice for me.”

    But the difference between now and way back in the past when I lived with cockroaches is my awareness.

    The moment I recognize my old habit pattern of self-worth emerging, I am able to tame the beast and realize that I am worthy, and it is okay to want and enjoy nice things.

    Awareness is the first step in releasing the old habitual patterns of lack so that you can start living and breathing the feelings of a full life.

    This doesn’t mean “full” of physical things, since true abundance comes from within. It’s also having proper living conditions that feel safe and peaceful, having healthy food to eat, and the ability to enjoy some of life’s pleasures.

    So if you find yourself in a less than healthy and ideal situation, take a moment and ask yourself:

    1. Does this relate at all to your feelings of self-worth and self-love?
    2. Is there any way that you are responsible for creating the reality that you are living?

    Take some time reflecting on these two questions, and then sit in silence for about five minutes as you follow the rhythm of your breath and focus your attention on your heart center.

    Be aware of what arises. Notice without judgment, and then for the next five minutes repeat “I am worthy” or “I love myself.”

    This is like creating your own mantra that you breathe in and out. It is effective at changing your self-talk so that you feed your mind positive thoughts about yourself instead of negative ones.

    What you feed your mind grows and becomes your reality.

    Then ask yourself:

    How do you want to be living? And, how can you inject your own self-love into this equation?

    Once you know your worth, once you truly care about yourself on a deep soulful level, you will want to take care of yourself and give yourself the best. Through self-love and self-worth you will find the courage to take action to live a better life.

    And if you are having difficulty with this process, please remember it is a process, and rarely does this change happen overnight. But it does happen.

    You can create a better life. Start by being aware of how you treat yourself. You can pray, meditate, practice affirmations, and ask your inner guidance for help.

    All of these actions will increase your faith and energy, which will lead to increased positive actions to enhance your life. Start being kinder in how you talk to yourself, how much time you give yourself, and how often you treat yourself to something lovely. (This can be as simple as a warm cup of cocoa.)

    Love yourself first and the world will love you back.

    Photo by Aevar

  • How Acceptance Gives You Power (and How to Use It)

    How Acceptance Gives You Power (and How to Use It)

    “Of course there is no formula for success except, perhaps, an unconditional acceptance of life and what it brings.” ~Arthur Rubinstein

    I have the opportunity to meet fantastic people through my online radio show interviews. One of those people is an Australian author whose life circumstances led her to work alongside Mother Teresa.

    Among the most impactful statements my guest made was that Mother Teresa was a woman of action. The dire environment of the streets of Calcutta required the help of someone with a big heart but also with a strong will to make change happen.

    When my marriage ended after nearly three years of struggle, well-meaning relatives and friends would insist that I needed to “accept” my challenge.

    “If I accept what’s happening, then what do I do next?” I would ask them.

    They would just shrug and say, “You’ll be fine.”

    My unanswered question led to an extended time of reflection and search for what acceptance really meant. I tuned in to interviews with teachers such as Dr. Wayne Dyer and Eckhart Tolle. I read books and articles on the subject. I meditated.

    Did acceptance mean that I needed to grab a pint of Chunky Monkey, plop down on the couch, tune in to a rerun of Sex and the City, and wait for the bad times to pass?

    Did acceptance mean condoning hurtful behavior and abuse? Did acceptance mean to expect little of life? Did acceptance mean defeat?

    My time of research and contemplation finally gave me the answers.

    Acceptance releases the power that your life circumstances have over you. When things don’t go your way, you don’t become paralyzed by negative emotions such as anger, fear, resentment, or regret.

    Acceptance isn’t the opposite of caring. You may still care about your challenges and be invested in finding ways to overcome them. However, you won’t spend every moment thinking about what’s wrong in your life.

    Acceptance helps you cope with menial struggles. An attitude of acceptance will allow you to deal with your judgmental aunt during Thanksgiving dinner, with a knee injury during your morning run, or with non-stop rain during your weeklong summer vacation.

    Acceptance helps you deal with life-changing obstacles. Accepting what is will give you the power to overcome the negative emotional effects of physical illness, joblessness, abandonment, betrayal, addiction, and loss.

    Acceptance nullifies judgment. By choosing acceptance, you remind yourself that what’s happening in your life is not good or bad, fair or unfair. It just is.

    Acceptance is an act of trust. When you accept your current situation, you let go and know that if you continue aligning yourself with the truth, you will be guided to where you need to be.

    Acceptance is focusing on the underlying opportunities. When you accept a challenge, you view it as part of the universe’s master plan to lead you to a fulfilled and meaningful life. You start noticing the blessings embedded in your misfortune.

    And the most significant lesson I learned:

    Acceptance is a training ground for action. When you accept your current circumstances and stop focusing on what you don’t like or what isn’t working, you clear your mind to receive intuitive messages that will lead you to positive action.

    Once I understood the concept of acceptance, I was able to implement it in my life. I used my challenge as a springboard to follow my true calling.

    One of the blessings that I received as a result of accepting my situation was my initiative to host an inspirational online radio show. My show allowed me to meet the author who worked with Mother Teresa.

    Life has come full circle.

    So, yes, “It is what it is,” but as the proverb says, “It’ll become what you make of it.” Accept your life challenges knowing that acceptance is the first and necessary step to enter a place of happiness.

    And if you’re tempted to succumb to apathy in the midst of a challenge, remember the words of Mother Teresa:

    “There should be less talk; a preaching point is not a meeting point. What do you do then? Take a broom and clean someone’s house. That says enough.”

  • Evidence That You Are Well and Always Will Be

    Evidence That You Are Well and Always Will Be

    “On a deeper level you are already complete. When you realize that, there is a playful, joyous energy behind what you do” ~Eckhart Tolle

    I was recently speaking with a friend about what it feels like to connect with your underlying, always-there state of well-being. I attempted to describe the indescribable—the feeling underneath the mental chatter that is who you truly are.

    The peacefulness. The clarity. The stillness. I told her that in my experience, the most prominent feature was the deep knowing that all is well—that it always has been and always will be, no matter what might be happening on the surface.

    Although my verbal description did almost no justice to the actual feeling, our conversation put her at ease. It put me at ease too.

    As we visited that place in our minds, we felt the pressure of our thought-based lives lessen. My friend recognized a sense of truth in what I was describing as she reconnected with the peace that’s always there.

    I’ve never met a person who doesn’t recognize that all is well feeling of peace. Many of us don’t live there on a permanent basis, but we’ve visited. I would be willing bet that we’ve all touched it at times, and that many of us experience it quite regularly, albeit fleeting or short-lived.

    Yet, there are always people who will question that that state is who we really are. There will always be people who say:

    “How do you know my true nature is well-being? What if mine isn’t?”

    Or, “How do you know well-being isn’t the exception rather than the rule?”

    They are great questions, aren’t they? I’ve asked them many times in my life. There were times when it felt likely that anxiety or insecurity were how I was wired—they were part of my default setting—with occasional blips of relief from anxiety and insecurity.

    I would have bet the farm that there was something just a bit “off” in my nature—my mind was strung a little too tight from birth or my parents did something wrong.

    Those “problems” were part of who I was, I thought. With enough therapy or self-help I might be able to counteract some of it, but it was going to take a lot of work and I was likely to slide back to my innate flaws at any time if I wasn’t careful.

    So how can I be so confident now that every human on earth is essentially well with blips of pain, rather than essentially flawed with blips of relief?

    1. You bounce back.

    Humans effortlessly “bounce back” to peace and clarity when we feel separated from peace and clarity. Notice this the next time you’re upset: If you do nothing, meaning you don’t add to your upset by elaborating on your story, feeding into it, and bringing it back up in your own mind, it naturally fades. The slate clears and you’re bounced back to your more peaceful set-point.

    It takes effort to stay mad. In order to say mad, you have to keep the thoughts creating the emotion of mad alive in your consciousness. You don’t usually recognize you’re doing this, but you are.

    Here’s an example that happened to me recently: I was disagreeing with my husband about something and tensions were starting to rise. In the midst of our conversation, I kept noticing my attention shift. The kids were dancing around in the other room, the dog was snoring in the corner, what should we have for dinner tomorrow?

    With each shift in focus I felt an accompanying break from the heavy feelings of the conversation.

    At one point, when my son and daughter decided to strip down to their respective diaper and underwear and put on a show for us, I was totally unaware of what I was so upset about. The disagreement was literally gone in that moment. When their show was over I noticed the thought, “oh yeah, I’m mad” and dragged those tension-filled thoughts back into awareness.

    The slate is cleared when you’re not holding on to old thought.

    The fact that the slate clears by no effort of our own, always returning us back to a state of greater clarity and peace, convinces me that the clarity and peace must be natural and stable—our default, return-to-sender state.

    If stress or anxiety was your natural state, why would you be bounced back to wellness so easily?

    2. The less you do, the better you feel.

    It’s generally true that the less you do, the better you feel. This makes perfect sense if wellness is your true nature. If who you already are is the perfection you seek, the act of seeking actually removes you from the well-being which is already yours.

    When something is the default, you see it when you strip away anything that covers it. Think about an electronic device. When you click to “restore factory default settings,” programs, downloads, and all extraneous stuff are wiped away, leaving you only with the bare essentials.

    The same is true when you see your extra stories, habits, and judgments for what they are—extraneous stuff. When you stop replaying them, focusing on them, and trying to fix them, they fall away. You essentially restore your “factory default settings” which means the slate is wiped clear and you feel less pressure than ever.

    3. You strive to feel better when you’re down.

    Ups and downs are a natural part of life for every human on earth. But have you ever wondered why you instinctively try to feel better when you’re feeling down?

    If you weren’t wired for wellness, feeling bad would feel normal. If anxiety, insecurity, or fear were part of your innate wiring, those emotions would feel familiar and somewhat comfortable. But they don’t feel comfortable or familiar; in fact, we intuitively fight like hell to feel better.

    We even call the process of going from pain to peace “getting back to normal.” Interesting, no?

    Well-being is home. It’s what feels right and you will always feel out-of -whack unless you’re there. Well-being what you were born into and it’s where you will strive to return.

    4.  You were well as a baby.

    I’ve never met an unwell baby. Physically unwell, yes. But I’ve never met a mentally or emotionally unwell baby. Have you?

    We simply aren’t born this way. We aren’t born with confidence issues or a lack of self-love. We don’t come out judging our neighbors or setting unreasonably high standards for ourselves. I’ve never met a baby who was jealous or antisocial or narcissistic.

    Babies have different temperaments. Some startle more easily than others. Some crave more attention than others. Those temperaments and preferences appear to be part of their innate makeup.

    But they are all fundamentally well. Barring our judgment of them, they are all mentally and emotionally healthy.

    I’m sure there will always be people who don’t see how their true nature could possibly be wellness. And that’s okay. But these are a few of the reasons that I began to believe it, and perhaps they might convince you too.

    Life gets much easier and you notice those moments of peace much more when you believe that they are always there.

    Photo by Abhishek Singh Bailoo