Tiny Buddha

Category: happiness & fun

  • Why Experiences Trump Things and Bring Us Closer

    Why Experiences Trump Things and Bring Us Closer

    Friends Dancing

    “Every experience, good or bad, is a priceless collector’s item.” ~Isaac Marion

    Last year was a thrilling one for my sweet boys, ages eight and eleven. Thanks to birthdays, Diwali, and Christmas, they were fortunate enough to receive most of the things they’d been begging for throughout the year.

    As we sat on our couch on New Year’s day, I asked them what their best memories were from 2014. Surely, I thought, they would rattle off the highly anticipated iPod touch or the Giants jersey that topped their wish lists.

    But much to my surprise (and my joy), my younger one said, “my birthday party.” Really? Your birthday party?

    He was referring to the “baseball party” in our backyard with his friends. The one where an hour before it started, the skies opened wide with torrential downpour, forcing seven active boys to play in our tiny playroom until the storm turned into a small drizzle. That one? Oh. Cool.

    Surely my older son, our tech freak, would have a tough time deciding between his Nexus tablet and favorite Wii game to top his best memory. So I was even more taken aback by his follow up. “Our trip to New York.”

    Now, keep in mind that we’re originally from New York, so a trip home is not about Broadway shows and FAO Schwartz. It’s about hanging out with our family, specifically their cousins, in Westchester. It’s where we barbeque, meet friends, hang out at the pool, and watch movies. Pretty much what we do in our home, but with family we don’t get to see very often.

    Their responses were so unexpected. Hadn’t they just received everything they ever wanted a week earlier? I guess not.

    It’s no surprise to hear that experiences mean more than things. Material items bring us immediate yet fleeting joy. But it’s the memories and the feelings that stay with us forever. Then why was I so shocked?

    For some unexplainable reason, I thought my kids were different. But even at a young age, they, like their parents, proved that it’s their experiences that mean the most to them.

    And it doesn’t have to be week in Disneyworld or a cruise to Hawaii. It can be a fine homemade meal or even your crockpot dinner, served on your fine china.

    It could be something others use to create their own experiences, like a gratitude journal or conversation jar.

    It could be a shoulder massage on your couch or a wine tasting in your kitchen.

    It could be as long as year’s worth of dishwashing or as short as a scavenger hunt in your backyard.

    It could be as a grand as a meditation getaway or as simple as meditative app.

    Because when you think of a specific person in your life, your first thought isn’t, what did they give me? But, how did they make me feel? That sense and impression is what stays with us.

    Emotions, whether good, bad, or indifferent, are immediately brought to the surface when something reminds you of someone. Most “experience” gifts evoke a distinct feeling of love, care, and thoughtfulness—and stay with you long after a physical item has been worn out or forgotten.

    And if the gift is an event you can both participate in, it becomes a shared memory, something far beyond what a physical gift can offer.

    In our world of instant gratification and everything at our fingertips, it’s not difficult to get what you need. But in our hectic pace of life and in the frenzy of consumption, our experiences can fall short. We can add to peoples’ possessions or we can choose to add to memories they’ll hold onto forever.

    So, as occasions arise through the year for gifts, awards, and other reasons for gratitude or celebration, I’m thinking about how I can swap out more stuff with more experiences.

    How I can put my time, energy, and money toward a thoughtful event and create a recollection instead of another physical item in their life.

    I want to give memories, knowledge, and skills to help my friends and family explore or re-discover pleasures in life.

    I want to help someone overcome a fear, and join them in a ski lesson, or check off an item from their bucket list, like a pole dancing class.

    I want to make their ordinary day extraordinary by whisking them away with a bottle of wine and picnic blanket.

    I want to cast a ray of unexpectedness in their workday by delivering a gourmet meal to their office.

    I want to stop cluttering lives with more stuff and start expanding minds with more memories.

    I want my kids to always remember experiences as their best time of the year.

    I want to make friends and family feel. I want to know I helped them experience life.

    What experience can you create for someone this year?

    Friends dancing image via Shutterstock

  • 10 Choices That Lead to a Happy, Fulfilling Life

    10 Choices That Lead to a Happy, Fulfilling Life

    “Happiness is a choice that requires effort at times.” ~Aeschylus

    My twenty-sixth birthday was approaching, and I asked myself one question: “Do I want this year to look like the last one?”

    The answer was an immediate and very solid no. I frantically began to analyze what I was doing with my life to get this reaction. I was unhappy for most of twenty-five, romantically, professionally, and socially.

    I had been with my live-in boyfriend for about a year and a half, and there seemed to be a growing disconnect. Despite the lies, resulting in jealousy and insecurity, I stayed with him because it was what I knew. I was comfortably uncomfortable.

    I justified staying by telling myself, “All relationships take work” and “I know he can change.” I had also become a bit of a hermit with him. Netflix marathons every weekend. My social calendar eventually became booked with Don Draper and Piper Chapman.

    Professionally, I was nowhere near where I wanted to be. As a millennial, I can say we carry a certain grandiose expectation for a picturesque life that we expect to have at a very young age, and we thoroughly believe it’s going to happen. Right up until the time when it doesn’t.

    Stuck and confused, I realized that if I changed nothing, the next year was destined to look like the prior one.

    I was in search of my truth and my happiness. I needed to know what this life thing is all about. Why do some people seem to have it all figured out and I’m left worried and more confused than ever before?

    I had some money saved up, so I broke up with my boyfriend, moved out, bought a plane ticket, and left to travel Asia in a timeframe of a whopping two days. I had nothing to lose. I was on a mission to learn how to live a meaningful and happy life.

    After a few months of trekking unfamiliar mountains, living with monks, and being freshly single, this is what I’ve learned.

    1. Don’t sweat the small stuff; don’t sweat the big stuff.

    I learned this after I had my wallet, passport, and camera stolen. Every day you will be faced with challenges that are both in and out of your control. Either way, there’s no sense in worrying about them.

    If the situation is uncontrollable, whatever is going to happen, will. If you can control it, then take a deep breath and face it with a calm mind to make the process much easier. Worrying gets you nowhere. Hakuna Matata.

    2. Do something every day that pushes you out of your comfort zone.

    Order and routine give us a sense of security. It feels nice to have familiarity, but it’s also hard to grow into the person you’re meant to be without pushing your limits and trying new things.

    At one point, everything is new to us. The more experiences you expose yourself to, the higher probability you’ll find one your passionate about.

    3. Live fully in each moment.

    Yesterday is gone and tomorrow is not promised. The only certain thing we have in life is right now, this very moment.

    This is an important lesson I’ve learned when meditating with the monks throughout Thailand. They teach the significance of remaining mindful and the importance of acknowledging our senses.

    By smelling, tasting, feeling, seeing, and hearing everything in our surroundings, we’re able to stay in the present, resulting in insight, a crucial stepping stone on the path to happiness. Life is incredibly beautiful when you slow down enough to enjoy it. Live in the moment, live for right now. This very moment is life.

    4. Give gratitude any chance you can, and lots of it.

    I really learned about gratitude when traveling through Indonesia. When once I would have complained about a bad Wi-Fi connection, I saw people just grateful for clean drinking water. It really puts things into perspective.

    Take the time to remember how lucky you are. Even if it doesn’t feel this way, it could always be worse. Share love and gratitude every chance you can, and you’re left with an overwhelming feeling of abundance and happiness.

    5. Remember, life is what’s happening while you’re busy on your cell phone.

    Dining solo, I was left to master the art of people watching. What I observed was this: the happiest, loudest, and liveliest tables were those with cellphones tucked away. They were making memories and sharing stories and experiencing what life is all about.

    They ate more slowly and stayed longer because there wasn’t anywhere they’d rather be. On the contrary, those with eyes glued to bright screens were quiet and quick to eat with emotionless expressions.

    Next time you’re out, try leaving your phone in the car to thoroughly enjoy your company. If you can’t imagine a meal without technology, at least take a few moments to observe the difference between people on their phones and those who aren’t, and ask yourself, who’s table would you rather be sitting at?

    6. Listen to your gut.

    I’ve never been so in tune with myself as when I was on the road with no travel companion to interrupt my thoughts. There have been countless times when I’ve gotten myself out of sticky situations (or avoided them altogether) by listening to my “gut feeling” as a reliable and trustworthy source.

    Silence the mind and listen to the body. Our gut is widely acknowledged as our second brain. If it feels wrong and you can’t exactly pinpoint why, it’s your intuition in physical form telling you it probably is. Listen to what it has to say.

    7. Look for similarities.

    Same same. In Bangkok, I probably heard this phrase nine thousand times, which inevitably led me to ponder its significance.

    No matter where you go in the world, as different as we appear, we are much more similar to one another. We all have human emotions. Sadness and excitement are genetically programmed in us, and we all have the same end goal of happiness.

    A smile and laughter are universal. When you meet someone new, look for similarities and it will form an intimate bond. You’ll begin to feel compassion and a connection to them. A feeling of connection gives you a sense of home no matter where you are.

    8. Let go of the fear of not being accepted and let your true self come out.

    Living abroad alone, I really embraced my inner weirdo. I laid out all the things I was hesitant to say and do before because I assumed no one would “get” me. The results? Confidence and self-respect.

    You owe it to yourself to celebrate your uniqueness and be the truest version of you. Those who are meant to stick around will love you even more for it. Besides, weird people bring a lot to the table. Just saying.

    9. Make time to reflect on relationships and make changes.

    Being on a twelve-hour time difference and half a world away makes communication to home difficult, and perfect for relationship reflection. I really began to analyze the quality of my relationships, asking, “Do they feed my soul? Do we really have that much in common?”

    Life is too short to spend time with anyone who exhausts you. Be selective with where your energy goes. For those who you decide to keep in your life, it’s important you show them how much they mean to you. Love and respect leads to quality relationships, which are the only ones worth having.

    10. Know that no matter how far you travel in search of happiness, it can only be found in one place.

    A monk at the Wat Mahathat in Bangkok said something I will never forget. “Why are you here in Thailand? To find happiness? You won’t find it here. I can’t give it to you. You can travel the world to find it, but there is only one place it can be found. It is found within.”

    I had left home and traveled across the world to find happiness, but I never felt it until I became fully connected with myself.

    Somewhere along the way I lost sight of the important things by forgetting my relationships, ignoring my gut, and worrying too much about the past and the future. None of these things served me.

    True and lasting peace is found within. When you learn to be appreciative for what you have, embrace the present moment, and love fully, this is happiness. This is nirvana.

  • Interview with Dani DiPirro and Book Giveaway: The Positively Present Guide to Life

    Interview with Dani DiPirro and Book Giveaway: The Positively Present Guide to Life

    Positively Present Guide to Life

    Update: The winners for this giveaway are:

    If you’re a fan of uplifting, action-oriented blog posts, you may have stumbled upon Positively Present at some point in time.

    I “met” the site’s founder, Dani DiPirro, around the time I started Tiny Buddha. Over time, I grew to admire her dedication, both to personal development and her blog.

    Since 2009, she’s shared countless helpful, inspiring posts, empowering readers to live mindfully and positively in the face of life’s inevitable challenges.

    Now she’s preparing to launch a new book, The Positively Present Guide to Life, which offers practical ideas to enhance our home life, work, and relationships for an all-around happier, more fulfilled life.

    I’m grateful that Dani took the time to answer some questions about herself and her book, and that she’s provided two copies for Tiny Buddha readers.

    The Giveaway

    To enter to win one of two free copies:

    • Leave a comment sharing one thing that always helps you stay positive.
    • For an extra entry, tweet: Enter the @tinybuddha giveaway to win a free copy of The Positively Present Guide to Life http://bit.ly/17oIQDY

    You can enter until midnight PST on Friday, February 27th.

    The Interview

     1. Tell us a little bit about yourself and your blog, Positively Present. 

    I’m an author, blogger, and designer living in a suburb of Washington, DC. In 2009, when I was at a particularly low point in my life—I didn’t love my job, my relationship status wasn’t ideal, and I was struggling a lot to feel happy—I launched PositivelyPresent.com with the intention of documenting my journey toward a more positive and present life.

    In 2012, I left my full-time job in Marketing to pursue a career as a blogger and writer. While working to create a beautiful online space for my readers, I discovered how much I loved illustrating and graphic design.

    Last year, I launched my design studio, Twenty3, where I work with individuals and business to create modern, uplifting design. My love of design and my desire to help myself and others live more positive, present lives comes together in my latest book, The Positively Present Guide to Life, which pairs inspiring illustrations with action-oriented advice for living a more positive, more present life.

     2. What inspired you to write The Positively Present Guide to Life, and how does it differ from your blog?

    Books have been my greatest teachers, and I love the tangibility of them of in our digital world. I’ve learned so much about life—and about myself—from books, and writing The Positively Present Guide to Life was the best way I could think of to take the lessons I’ve learned from PositivelyPresent.com and explore them at a deeper level.

    And my blog has inspired this book in another way: all my advice here is presented in easy-to-follow lists, to make sure this guide is as simple to use and as practical as possible.

    3. What have you found to be the biggest obstacles to being positive and present—and how have you overcome them?

    One of the biggest obstacles for being positive and present can be other people. Just because you’re trying to live a more positive, present life, that doesn’t mean that those around you are striving for the same thing, and the negativity of others can be draining.

    Overcoming this can be difficult if it’s not possible to avoid negative people. If possible, I’ve found it helps to limit your interactions with them. If that’s not an option, I recommend reminding yourself that you do not have to be ruled by others’ moods or attitudes. Even when others are negative, you can choose to focus on the positive and to stay in the moment.

    4. I think there’s a misconception that “be positive” means “don’t ever feel bad.” What are your thoughts on this?

    This is definitely a huge misconception when it comes to positivity. It’s for this reason, in fact, that I focus on positivity rather than happiness.

    When you are happy, you are in a state where you don’t feel bad and when even the not-so-great things seem bearable. Positivity, on the other hand, is not about putting on rose-colored glasses and pretending that everything is okay. It’s about accepting whatever’s happening in your current situation and trying to make the most of it.

    No matter how difficult the situation, it’s possible to find something of value—even if the value is only that you’re getting stronger by going through difficulties.

    5. In Chapter One of your book, you talk about creating a positive home. What advice would you give to someone who wants to create a positive home but lives with people who are often negative?

    Living with negative people can really challenge efforts to live a more positive, present life, but there are things you can do to make the most of the situation.

    I’ve dedicated an entire section of my book to this topic because I believe it’s something many people encounter. Even if people at home are generally positive, we all have our bad days (or weeks!). When dealing with negativity at home, I recommend trying your best to speak with love, and not to mirror the tone or attitude of those who are in a negative state of mind.

    This can be difficult (we tend to react in a way that mirrors others), but choosing loving words and tone can make a huge difference.

    Also, it’s important to try not to take others’ negativity personally. Often, stress and negativity between cohabitants is a result of issues that take place outside of the home (such as work), and it can be helpful to consider that another’s negative reaction or snippy tone might be related to something that has nothing to do with you.

    6. In the next chapter, you talk about being positively present at work. What do you think is the most important thing someone can do to stay positive and present when they’re not happy at their job?

    Even if you don’t love your job, you can learn from it. Any job offers the opportunity to learn how to cooperate with and overcome challenges.

    Being around others—some you like, some you don’t—teaches important people skills, from how to collaborate, negotiate, and compromise with those who view things differently, to how to get a job done with someone who would rather chat away the day.

    Processing so many viewpoints and opinions from coworkers opens our eyes to new ways of thinking. If you like your industry but not your position, you can also learn a lot by talking to those you admire or who hold positions you aspire to.

    7. In the chapter on relationships, you talk about learning to say no. Why is this so important to staying positive and present?

    There are many reasons why saying no, negative as it sounds, can be a more positive response. For example, it might save you from having to spend time with people who bring negativity into your life, or it might ensure that you don’t overload your schedule.

    It can also strengthen relationships because it lets other people know you have boundaries and will enforce them. It helps others know where they stand—and if they don’t cross the line, your relationship is all the more positive for it.

    Keep in mind: when you say no to one thing, you’re really saying yes to something more worthy of your time and energy.

     8. What do you think is the most essential habit for staying positive and present?

    One of the most essential habits for living a positive, present life is to cultivate gratitude. No matter how difficult a situation, there is always something to be grateful for. It’s very difficult to be negative or distracted from the moment when you’re focusing on what you have to be thankful for.

     9. What’s the main message you hope people take from your book?

    When people read my book, I hope they’ll realize how important a shift in attitude can be. It can transform all aspects of your life, from home to work to relationships to love to how you cope with change.

    I hope readers will see that, even if positivity and mindfulness doesn’t come easily to them, with the right tactics and inspiration, it’s possible to cultivate a positive attitude and stay in the moment more often.

    I’m not a naturally positive person and I work hard at staying positive and present. If I can do it, anyone can—and I hope this book will inspire readers to see that they, too, can live more positive, present lives.

    You can learn more about The Positively Present Guide to Life (and pre-order a copy) on Amazon.

    FTC Disclosure: I receive complimentary books for reviews and interviews on tinybuddha.com, but I am not compensated for writing or obligated to write anything specific. I am an Amazon affiliate, meaning I earn a percentage of all books purchased through the links I provide on this site. 

  • 6 Tips to Love and Support Yourself and Become a Happier You

    6 Tips to Love and Support Yourself and Become a Happier You

    Closeup of Smiling Woman

    “Awaken; return to yourself” ~Marcus Aurelius

    Darkness. Resentment. Detachment. Extreme discomfort.

    Those are the words I would use to describe my internal experience during my adolescent years up to young adulthood.

    Depression was something I was all too familiar with. Fear was running my life and I was exhausted. I now understand that a lot of it had to do with the dysfunctional family I grew up in and the pain that ensued.

    Determined to break this unhealthy way of being, I’ve been on a road of healing and self-growth over the past few years.

    However, my transition into a stronger relationship with myself really kicked into gear after my heart got broken for the first time. But it didn’t just get broken—it got completely shredded. Little did I know this would be the best thing that had ever happened to me.

    As I was deep into the break-up process, I was awakened by the fact that I had completely abandoned myself in the relationship. My confidence was low, I had no self-worth, and I relied on the one I loved to save me and carry me.

    I became delusional about the reality of my relationship and the man I was in love with.

    Harsh realization to come to terms with, but that was my starting point.

    Eventually, I was able to slowly put myself back out into the world. I kept running into situations that led me to discover all of these core values I was lacking in the relationship.

    After a few months of insightful encounters, I came to understand the path I was on: building a stronger, healthier relationship with myself.

    Even though I was going through heartbreak, I felt lighter, different. It was weird. After a while everything seemed to have “clicked” and kept progressing.

    From that point on I became devoted to myself. I was determined to rely on myself for the things I was constantly depending on other people/outside sources for. Below are the steps that helped me move toward myself.

    1. Practice self-compassion.

    Get to know this. Make it your new religion. This is the core for a stronger relationship with yourself because it creates a gentler tone within you.

    Self-compassion helps you acknowledge when you’re going through a hard time and release judgments toward yourself, which then opens you up to self-love.

    Even though it was hard, I practiced this during my break-up. I would put my hand on my heart and say things such as, “You poor thing, this is such an incredible amount of pain to deal with. This hurts so bad.” And I’d stay with that pain for a moment.

    I’d then finish off by reminding myself that I’m doing the best I can right now and I’m actually handling the situation really well.

    Doing this gave me the courage to ease into intense emotions and feel them fully, which helped me heal. It also empowered me as it made me feel not as codependent.

    Realizing that I was able to take care of myself during this incredibly painful time was a huge moment for me. Ultimately, it restored all of this self-love in me that I never knew existed.

    I suggest reading Kristin Neff’s book on self-compassion. I was able to grasp the concept just from this book. However, as someone who has been extremely hard on myself my whole life, it was difficult to be open to the idea at first and took a lot of practice.

    2. Get in touch with your feelings and body.

    I spent a lifetime repressing feelings not even understanding what they were. I now realize this is not okay.

    Our bodies are constantly filling us up with sensations trying to let us know what they feel and need. I’ve found that the more I try to identify my feelings, the closer I become to my intuition.

    Recently, I had to choose a new roommate and met with a ton of people. As I tried to get to know everyone, I made sure I became aware of the feeling that filled up inside me. I would notice warm yet powerful sensations, tightness, or nothing at all. After a while I began to trust those feelings and based my decisions off of them.

    It has also made me treat my heart and body with more respect, so I take better care of them.

    One time when I was working a lot I felt an illness coming on. After I came home that day, I listened very carefully to what my body needed to feel better. I ate whatever sounded good (sweet corn sounded like heaven, oddly enough), drank lots of water, took a bath, gave myself a ton of self-love, and went to bed super early.

    I felt amazing the next day.

    Meditation is also a great exercise for this that will heighten your awareness of any feelings that arise.

    3. Discover your values.

    We all have values, but do we ever really analyze what they are and why we choose some over others?

    I went through a list of values one day that I found online and highlighted the ones that spoke to me the most. I became so much closer to myself after establishing this.

    I discovered that I deeply value my physical and mental health, kindness, authentic connection with myself and others, and efficiency.

    It felt like I was rediscovering my identity. I simply allowed myself to embrace my authenticity and it felt amazing.

    4. Understand your needs and boundaries.

    Identifying my values led me to recognize what my needs are.

    Since I value my physical and mental health, taking care of my mind and body has become my number one need. I’ve come to learn that my mind and body are very sensitive, so I need to nurture them in order to maintain a healthy level of comfort.

    With that understanding, I essentially created a boundary for myself. I made sure I did my best to honor that need in most situations. Whether it meant missing a night out with friends to catch up on good sleep, avoiding pushing myself too hard at the gym, or taking a moment for myself to release any built up emotions.

    Once my needs were established, I had a better idea of what my boundaries are in work, in relationships, and with myself. Ultimately, it created an awareness of when my sense of identity was being challenged or reinforced.

    5. Avoid relying on external validation.

    This one takes practice and is where a lot of the steps I just listed get put to the test.

    We have such quick, easy access to external validation nowadays (Facebook, Instagram, anything with a “like” button). We often become confused on where the most important source of validation should come from.

    Lately, I’ve been making an effort to become conscious of when I get caught up in the desire for someone’s approval. I see it as an opportunity to check in with the status of my self-love. If I’m happy with who I am and am confident behind my decisions, I remind myself that I don’t need someone else’s approval.

    It’s a very empowering process.

    There are times, however, when I struggle with it, which is okay because it’s part of the human experience. I just try to be understanding and explore those insecurities.

    6. Recognize where the pain is coming from.

    This is one of the hardest steps. Take it slow. Be gentle. Start by being honest with yourself to see if you notice a behavior pattern that comes off in an unhealthy way (such as relying heavily on external validation). Try to identify the deeper reasons behind it and explore them.

    Once I understood that the way I was viewing my love interests was not healthy, I eventually realized it stemmed from a deep pain of neglect from my parents. From there, I began the process of breaking this pattern.

    Intense emotions will come up, but if you welcome them with open, loving arms (aka self-compassion!) you can ease into this process with a sense of safety.

    You might need help from another source such as a self-help book, therapist, or friend to identify the unhealthy habits.

    —

    Building a stronger relationship with yourself is an incredibly fulfilling and liberating process. It takes time, patience, and understanding. Try to go into it with an excitement and curiosity rather than an expectation.

    I’ve come to find that when you have a better sense of your identity, you become empowered. When you become empowered, you gain self-esteem. When you gain self-esteem, you are more driven to take better care of yourself. One thing always leads to another. 

    Most importantly, however, love and support from myself creates a happier me.

    Closeup of smiling woman image via Shutterstock

  • 10 Things to Stop Doing If You Want to Be Happy

    10 Things to Stop Doing If You Want to Be Happy

    “It isn’t what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about.” ~Dale Carnegie

    There was a time when I didn’t think I could ever be happy.

    I felt alone. I felt confused. And I felt overwhelmed.

    Luckily, that all began to change when I started looking inside. I discovered how I was the cause of my unhappiness.

    And I discovered what stood between me and enjoying life.

    Here are ten of the things I discovered:

    1. Neglecting yourself and your needs

    One of the biggest things was that I was ignoring what was right for me. I looked outside for the answers.

    I looked to friends and society to tell me how to live my life. It was too painful to discover what I needed, so I gave away my power and hoped that would solve everything.

    It didn’t.

    Eventually, I realized that no one really knows how to live a happy life. Some seem confident, but they don’t really know.

    Even the happiest of people go through dark times. When I began noticing what I felt drawn to do and what felt right for me, things began to change.

    It happened slowly. I wasn’t confident at first, but I began to listen to my inner GPS.

    2. Ignoring your inner GPS

    As I began listening to myself, I saw that I had an inner guidance system within me.

    I didn’t call it that then. It communicated with me through feeling. When something was right for me, I felt peace, joy, and curiosity inside.

    When something wasn’t right, it felt lifeless, dead.

    I began to see that trying to figure life out logically didn’t work, because my mind couldn’t foresee the future.

    The heart is what I would call my inner GPS. It nudges me through life, one moment at a time. I don’t know where I’m going, but I know I’m on the right track when I listen to my heart.

    3. Resisting darkness

    Life contains both dark and light.

    It sounds counterintuitive, but when you embrace the darkness, you open the door to the light.

    I’ve gone through some dark, depressive periods in my life. I used to resist them, a lot. Today I do it less.

    I know that it is through these dark times that I learn the most. I dive inside. I breathe it all in, and I notice what it is that’s making me quiver with fear.

    I investigate my internal reality and stay in the present moment.

    This is hard to do when I’m feeling down. I want to run away to food, movies, games, books, and anything but the darkness.

    But when I dive in, I see that the darkness is nothing but a virtual reality created by me. I look at the fear of not having enough, and I see that what I’m afraid of is a thought I choose to entertain.

    4. Saying ”no” to the now

    The more I try to escape the present moment, the more miserable I am.

    When I stay right here, right now, even the most ordinary tasks become extraordinary. Washing the dishes feels alive.

    But if I try to exchange the now for a future paradise, I live in a present hell.

    Being in the now, for me, is simply about noticing what’s here, right now. As I write this, I hear my fingers tap-tap-tapping away on the keyboard.

    I notice the hum of the electronics on my desktop, and I feel my body on the chair.

    And above all, I feel my feelings fully. I’m feeling a bit anxious as I write this. And that’s okay. It’s normal to feel anxious.

    5. Being afraid of making mistakes

    If I am afraid of making mistakes, I assume that I have something to lose.

    I also assume that there is a perfect way of doing something.

    Yet, I cannot know any of this. I don’t know if making a mistake helps me grow (which it often does). And I don’t know if making a mistake is the perfect path for me.

    You see, we live in our heads. We manufacture a reality that we then believe is real when it’s not.

    A hundred years from now, my mistakes won’t matter. What will matter (for me) is how much I loved and how much I enjoyed life.

    I’m human. You’re human. We make mistakes. That’s okay, as long as we’re honest with ourselves.

    6. Aiming for perfection

    I try to be perfect because I think it’ll bring approval from others, from you.

    And that approval will make me feel loved and feel good about myself.

    Yet, the act of trying to be perfect means dismissing myself. It means not loving who I am right now. It means not doing what I can with what I have.

    I have an image of what perfect is, and it always seems to be out of my reach.

    I’m striving to feel better, but the only thing I manage to do is to feel worse in this moment. When I notice the scam of perfection, I return to the present moment.

    I breathe. I do my best. And I follow my heart.

    This applies for staying in the present moment as well. I’m not in the now all the time. I try to accept whatever comes.

    7. Chasing happiness

    I often fall into the habit of chasing happiness.

    But to me, it’s more like I’m avoiding my feelings. I feel bad, so I want to be happy. I create an image of a future where I’m happy, and I long for it.

    I want it now.

    I think to myself, ”If only I had that, I could be happy.”

    Yet, that thought is the one keeping me stuck. The wanting happiness snatches me out of the present moment.

    When I let go of wanting to be somewhere else, I notice what’s right here. Sometimes it isn’t what I want, but even what I think I want is another thought.

    Each thought that says I need something else is an opportunity for me to stay in the present moment.

    8. Trying to control life

    I don’t control life.

    I control my reactions and actions but not much else.

    When I try to manipulate life, people, and places, I end up exhausted. It’s not my domain. It’s not up to me to control outcomes.

    All I can do is follow my heart, my inner GPS, and see what happens. I am a passenger in this body, on this blue planet of ours.

    I am here to experience both the good and the bad. I am here to learn and to grow. To cry and to laugh.

    9. Putting off your dreams

    Dreams are scary.

    It took me two to three years to muster up the courage to write about the things I truly wanted to write about.

    I was afraid of what you would think, what you would do. I was afraid of failing, of succeeding, of everything.

    Eventually, I realized that I could give in to my assumptions or I could take the next step and see what would happen.

    Luckily, I took the next step. And you know what? Nothing bad happened.

    I wrote. I told people about my work. My audience grew. And years later, here I am. Here you are, reading my words.

    My dreams began with one step, and so will yours.

    Stop waiting for a grand opportunity and notice the doors that are open now. It might only mean starting a blog that has ten readers or writing in your journal. But start somewhere.

    And start before you feel ready.

    10. Trying to fix others

    I used to think it was my responsibility to fix others, even if it meant forcing them to see things my way, and it compromised my happiness and theirs.

    I now let people travel their own path.

    You have mistakes you need to make. You have experiences to collect. I am not going to stand in the way of that.

    If you come to me for help, I will help, but I will not force my truth on you.

    I cannot control life, and I cannot control you. When I see that life will take care of itself, I have no need to control you.

    This has been especially hard with my loved ones, but I’m learning. I’m improving every day.

    There is no fixing, because I do not know what perfection is. If we are here to experience life, then perfection is experience.

    There are no mistakes, no blunders, and no pitfalls.

    There is only this moment.

    —

    There are many things I’ve learned during my life, but one of the main things is that we tend to take our thoughts too seriously.

    We tend to take life too seriously.

    I think that if I make a mistake, my dreams are ruined. But when I see the assumptions behind that sentence, and when I see that my dreams are a figment of my imagination, I am liberated.

    I remember that all I have to do, all I can do, is follow my inner GPS.

    I can only do what excites me, and life will take care of the rest.

  • We Can Find Reasons to Be Happy and Grateful Every Day

    We Can Find Reasons to Be Happy and Grateful Every Day

    Couple Playing in the Snow

    “A day without laughter is a day wasted.” ~Charlie Chaplin

    Many people have told me throughout my life that I sound just like my mother when I laugh. I lost her to cancer when I was sixteen, over twenty years ago. I learned from her to laugh and laugh often, even through the toughest of times. “Happiness is a choice,” she always said.

    Life has thrown a few curveballs my way over the past five years and tried to test my ability to choose happiness and laughter. My husband, Eric, and I had just started talking about having children when the first wild pitch came our way.

    Early in 2010, Eric was diagnosed with cancer. I remember how I refused to cry in front of him or in front of anyone really. I remember how overwhelmingly sad, scared, and angry I felt. I also remember the first time we laughed after we found out.

    We were sitting on our couch watching TV, and something very funny came on and we both laughed. I can’t remember what it was. I just remember looking at him and feeling a bit surprised.

    I realized that it was going to be really important for us to keep laughing, and we did, often at times when most people would think we were nuts.

    We laughed at the crazy sound Eric made when he got sick (to put it politely) after chemotherapy. We laughed when I blew into his ostomy bag to make sure it was attached correctly (a very risky maneuver considering what could have come out of there.)

    We laughed hysterically when a nurse very inappropriately commented that our sex life would probably be a lot better once he had the surgery to get rid of the ostomy.

    Fast-forward a few years. Eric was healthy and we were ready to move forward in starting a family. We knew there could be some complications, but they turned out to be worse than we thought. Cancer treatments had made Eric sterile and it turns out that I had some issues too.

    We decided to try IVF with samples Eric had frozen prior to treatment and failed multiple times. Again, we ended up laughing when most people would think we were crazy.

    We laughed when my first embryo transfer turned into a show for about six interns (thank you teaching hospital).

    We laughed when we got a box full of hormones and needles that would make some people faint.

    We laughed ourselves to tears when an employee at CVS very inappropriately asked me if I was pregnant yet because she’d seen me buy so many tests.

    We decided after two rounds of IVF and one frozen embryo transfer that we were not going to do any more fertility treatments. We had discussed adoption before, and we both agreed that we wanted to become parents this way.

    We took a good bit of time to research and discuss our options and eventually agreed that open adoption was the path for us.

    Fast-forward about a year to today and to the event that inspired me to write this post. We are in “the wait” to be chosen by an expectant mother to become parents through open adoption.

    This is something that could take months or years. Every day we are hoping that this woman, who we already love, will find us through our agency and want to place her child, who we already love, with us.

    We bought a separate phone for our toll free number to make sure we never miss a call. Today, I heard it ringing in my office and a million thoughts ran through my head instantly. Could this be her, already, we’ve only been live for a month, how should I answer, will I sound stupid…

    I ran like the wind to my office and as I was picking it up to answer, my husband jumped out from under my desk and yelled, “It was me!”

    I could have been irritated that he scared me half to death. I could have been angry that he got my hopes up that we were getting “the call.” Instead, I chose happiness and we laughed—a lot!

    Laughter has kept us sane and grounded through very trying times. I’m so thankful that my mother taught me to choose happiness and that I married my best friend who makes this choice with me every day.

    Yes, there have been sad, scary and angry moments, but we have always been able to find our way to happy and hopeful, which will make “the wait” much easier.

    We are so thankful that my husband is healthy.

    We are so thankful that we have the ability and opportunity to become parents through this amazing and loving way to create a family.

    We are so thankful that we choose to be happy. We can’t wait to share our lives, love, and laughter with our child and to teach him or her to choose happiness.

    Just as my mother encouraged me, I will now encourage all who are reading this to find at least one moment during the day to really focus on what you are thankful for.

    Taking these moments to be grateful—especially on the days when being happy may seem impossible—can be just what you need to get through them.

    Through all of life’s up and downs, at the end of the day, it is simply amazing that we are here, and we need to appreciate and enjoy it!

    Couple playing in the snow image via Shutterstock

  • How To Design A Happier, More Fulfilling Life

    How To Design A Happier, More Fulfilling Life

    Happy Woman

    “Happiness is not something you postpone for the future; it’s something you design for the present.” ~Jim Rohn

    A few weeks ago I found myself having a bad day. The frustrating thing was that on the outside everything was okay, nothing had explicitly gone wrong, but inside everything was a mess. It was one of those days where you’re in a constant battle with yourself.

    At the beginning of the year I saved up enough to be able to quit my job and focus on building my own online/writing career. But on this particular day I felt nothing but doubt.

    I couldn’t get my head straight, my creativity was drained, and with everything I attempted I came up against a mental block.

    In silent despair, I sank into my office chair and stared blankly across the room. As I gazed ahead, I looked at pictures from my travels stuck on the wall. Each was a reminder of good times I’ve had and things to look forward to in the future.

    To the left, Steve Jobs’ biography sat staring at me on the shelf. It’s tactfully put there, so that on days where I feel like I’m incapable of producing anything worthwhile, I get a reminder of what’s possible.

    I’ve recently been experimenting with incorporating things in my daily life to add extra inspiration. Things that give extra motivation when days are good and provide a weatherproof layer for the days when things aren’t going so well.

    If our routines and everyday life occur by chance, it’s unlikely that they set us up to have the happiest, most meaningful and productive days that we’re capable of. So I’ve started being deliberate in how I sculpt my days and routines. I guess you could call it happiness architecture.

    Of course, true lasting happiness takes practice. It’s a long-term commitment of expressing gratitude, being aware of our negative self-talk, and developing the ability to see the world around us with more optimism.

    So, while designing your days isn’t a quick fix for instant happiness, it’s a way to help cultivate a fertile environment for happiness to grow.

    Here are some of the things I’ve been toying with:

    Physical space

    The easiest place to start sculpting a happier life is with your physical space. Design your surroundings so they inspire you. This doesn’t mean you have to move to the Himalayas or to a villa beside the sea, but instead craft your current surroundings so they make you happier.

    The reason Disneyland is considered one of the happiest places on Earth isn’t by chance, but because around every corner is a Mickey Mouse, a Disney Princess, or another deliberately crafted inspiring moment. Craft your own daily Disneyland.

    This is the reason for my strategically placed biography of Steve Jobs. It’s the reason I drink coffee out of a mug that reads “Follow Your Dreams.” It’s the reason for the inspiring quotes and messages all over my walls and on the wallpaper of my computer.

    Have daily reminders of your goals dotted around the house. Surround yourself with plants, paintings, colors, and other visual elements that make you happy.

    Anything that can help ensure that not a single day goes by without some sort of visual kick-up-the-butt to inspire you to be happier.

    Little surprises

    You know the feeling when you find money down the back of the couch? Or when you find something that you totally forgot you had? What if you could manufacture your life to have more positive experiences like these?

    I’ve been experimenting with this too. I’ve tried setting random calendar notes or reminders for several weeks’ time, each with a short positive note or inspirational message to myself. Both add a nice surprise to the day when you receive them out of the blue.

    Perhaps order yourself a gift to arrive in the distant future and totally forget about it until it arrives. Or maybe leave hidden notes in completely random places all over the house.

    Get creative, because anything goes.

    Even better still, begin crafting these little surprises for others too. A couple of times a month think of somebody close to you and figure out a way you can help them.

    Maybe that’s with a call or a surprise visit. Maybe that’s a thoughtful gift or simply paying them a genuine compliment.

    The world needs more pleasant surprises.

    Company

    The people you spend time with can either raise or squander your energy and positivity. If you want to be happier, be deliberate in choosing who you spend your time with.

    I’m not the most extroverted of people, so who I’m spending time with can be the difference between me coming across as some crazy, passionate guy or a timid, bashful guy. The latter of which tends to leave me questioning myself—“What’s wrong with me?” “Why am I so quiet?”

    Very few of us are fortunate enough to be able to spend 24/7 around inspiring people who light us up, but we can craft opportunities to spend time with (or at very least call) somebody who inspires us a couple of times a week.

    We often default to whatever company is available to us, just to avoid being alone. We don’t pay any attention to how negatively that company might affect us.

    Be totally honest with yourself and ask: does spending time with these people make me come away feeling better or worse? If the answer is worse, then maybe it’s not worth it after all.

    Time

    Perhaps most importantly, we need to be very deliberate with how we spend our time. It’s so easy to fall into a routine and stay there no matter how counter-productive or negative it may be.

    I try to do something I’m passionate about every single day. For you, this could be taking an action that contributes toward a big goal, or maybe it’s knitting, playing an instrument, or another activity you love to do.

    You don’t have to spend long on it, but there’s a lot of satisfaction that can be had knowing that no matter how manic and stressful life may be, you are still working toward something that is meaningful to you.

    Make time to lose yourself in a book. Give yourself a sacred fifteen minutes every morning to savor and enjoy a steaming coffee.

    Make time to meditate, to enjoy the moment and to feel gratitude for all that you have.

    Dedicate a part of your day to going out into nature and noticing the sound of the birds, the crisp bite of the wind, or simply the gentle crunch of the leaves beneath your feet.

    Your time is the most precious thing in your life. Without it, nothing else could exist.

    Elimination

    With that in mind, just adding more positivity to our days will always have limited success without eliminating the negative too.

    I find it useful to eliminate the news from my life—I found that watching it caused me to see the world with so much more fear and negativity. That’s not to say I turn a blind eye to that which is happening in the world, but instead I choose to ignore the negative slander that the news puts on everything.

    Look at your own day and try to figure out what you can take out. What needs pruning?

    What routines or habits have you got that add nothing to your life—or worse, which ones actually have a negative effect?

    Maybe you find the traffic always leaves you angry on the way to work, so search for a different route instead. The road through the countryside may take you longer, but if it inspires you more and leaves you more positive, then it’s time well spent.

    Take the time to notice the other stressors in your life. Which of these can you remove completely? And if you can’t remove them, how can you reduce their impact?

    —

    Life is short. We all have a limited time here, so it’s so important that we’re deliberate in how we use it. That means being intentional and designing our lives to leave us as happy and fulfilled as possible. Don’t leave that up that chance.

    Woman jumping on the beach image via Shutterstock

  • Changing Your Life Story and Finding Your Happy Ending

    Changing Your Life Story and Finding Your Happy Ending

    Change Your Story

    “Maybe it’s not about the happy ending. Maybe it’s about the story.” ~Unknown

    For the longest ever time, I had no idea what my own story was.

    Desperately uncomfortable in my skin as a child, I was equal parts pathologically shy with strangers and fearless with my sisters and brother, running wild over the boulder-strewn southern California land during summers.

    As a young girl, I was also, more than once, the target for predators and perps.

    The nameless elementary school janitor who invited me into his dark and dirty closet one day. The terrifying neighbor who stopped me in a deserted alley when I was eleven or twelve. Strange grown-ups who pulled over to the curb as I walked alone, asking if I wanted a ride.

    My own grandfather.

    The fairy tale about living in a safe world, where adults care for their young ones as precious flowers, quickly became a horror story filled with monsters and demons. There wasn’t a hero in sight.

    Maps and Masks

    As Dr. Lewis Mehl-Madrona says, in Healing the Mind Through the Power of Story, “Brains use stories to make maps of the external world…” The map my brain made of the world was that adults were dangerous, bad things were normal, and secrets were the glue that held everything together.

    I became masterful at wearing culturally acceptable masks in order to keep everyone at a safe distance, as well as to gain whatever conditional approval was available.

    There was great relief in school. I was good at playing by the rules. Good at the linear academic part. Good as a people-pleasing little girl.

    And truly, my life wasn’t all bad. There were good friends, lots of laughter, and an unspoken and unbreakable solidarity with my sibs—enough to start carefully making my way out into the larger world.

    But, amongst all the craziness of so many mixed messages, I simply could not hear my own story. Who was I? Where was my place? What experiences and choices were mine?

    The Chandeliers Are Shaking

    The first adult job I loved—in the public relations department of the Los Angeles Philharmonic Orchestra—became a magical portal into a world I’d only dreamed about. A glittering world where grown-ups were world-class musicians, and sparkling dinner party companions.

    In my little VW bug, I drove Simon Rattle (now Sir Simon, famed music director of the Berlin Philharmonic Orchestra); the late, great violinist Isaac Stern; jazz legend Dizzy Gillespie; and many others to interviews and lunches.

    The best Happy Birthday ever sung? It was at a private party in a downtown hotel, sung by the entire cast of the opera Falstaff, gathered from all over the world for what turned out to be a critically acclaimed run. The chandeliers were shaking for real that night.

    I found myself in a universe filled with adults who seemed to be effortlessly living happily ever after—everything I wasn’t.

    The problem? It seemed as though everyone drank, except me.

    Still excruciatingly shy, I had zero social skills. (It’s hard to learn how to use the proper cutlery when eating at Taco Bell, back in the day when our family took advantage of the Friday-night special—six tacos for a dollar— if there was enough money.)

    I wanted what I thought those grown-ups had. My competitive nature kicked into high gear. The solution? Start drinking, of course.

    Unbelievably enough, a handsome and powerful young prince fell in love with me. He was a major player in that shimmering universe.

    I learned to keep up with him, drink for drink, and everyone else with whom we socialized. I learned to sparkle, too.

    It’s Okay—Go Back to Sleep

    Oh, the extremely fancy shindigs, with bottles and bottles of wines and cognac and scotch worth hundreds of dollars each! Glittering black-tie parties with incredibly accomplished stars, and the people who wanted to sit next to them.

    I drank on the West coast; in the rarified air of Aspen, where we’d moved; in New York City. All the way across Europe, during fabulous trips that included the most exclusive backstage visits at La Scala in Milan and Amsterdam’s Concertgebouw. Always followed by uber-hip late-night suppers.

    Boy, I was really living my story now, wasn’t I? You bet! I hadn’t thought about that elementary school janitor in years.

    See? All better now. There aren’t any monsters in the closet. Go back to sleep.

    Except that I began having trouble managing the hangovers. It got harder to ignore the way I felt every time I lied to the local wine storeowner, buying case after case, saying it was for parties at our house, when really, it was just for me.

    Blessedly, I finally got to the point where I couldn’t stand myself anymore. I undertook the excruciating work of beginning to get real. To start living from my own story rather than anyone else’s.

    Utter Misery, Anyone?

    It took a long time. Can I just tell you?! There are parts of the heroine’s journey that are truly, absolutely miserable.

    But never, not once, was there a time that learning to get, and stay real, felt worse than needing to finish a bottle of wine, by myself, every night.

    Honestly? The traumatic experiences as a child, my journey into addiction and back out into recovery— healing the sacred wounds—all became the magic carpet ride leading to my life’s work.

    Which has been to re-claim my story for myself. To understand how to live my own truth. To create enough space for my story to live me.

    See, it’s not that life is so short but rather that it is that it’s so precious. We create our happy endings by choosing consciously, each day, which story we’re living.

    Am I a too-wounded animal, never able to walk with dignity and pride? Do I trust that the world is a safe and loving universe? Is there enough support for me to fly as I’m meant to? Where did I put those wings, anyway?!

    Finding Your Happy Endings Within Your Stories

    Use simple mindfulness to hear the story you’re telling about your experiences.

    Regular people experience horrible things every day. Malala Yousafzai, the Pakistani teen shot by the Taliban for refusing to quit school, was just awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, in part because of how she’s told her story. It’s one of love and forgiveness rather than hatred and revenge.

    Notice what story you’re telling yourself about why you’re stuck.

    “Another glass of wine? Sure, it’s been a rough week/year/life. I deserve it!” or, “This job is good enough,” or, “That person isn’t really a bully,” or, “I’m okay. I can handle it. I don’t need any help.”

    Please, find a trained professional to help if you think you’re pretending just a wee bit too much that all is well when it isn’t.

    Look within the stories you’ve been telling yourself and everyone else for the happy-ending possibilities.

    Don’t see any? Here’s the secret: you can write your own stories, which creates new maps in the brain. Explore, play, pretend there may be another way to describe your experiences. It can actually be a lot fun. Who do you want to be? What life do you want? Go!

    Fear is everything. Until it isn’t. Until we understand that it’s all in our minds.

    Neuroscience research is full of studies showing how much control we have over shifting brain states, and cultivating a positive mindset. Who’s in charge, you, or the fear? You get to choose.

    The happy endings are found within our stories. And we get to write those stories. Even further, we must live the most magnificent version of our stories. That’s what each of us is here to do.

    Man throwing papers in the air image via Shutterstock

  • Why Happiness and Purpose Cannot Be Found In A Bucket List

    Why Happiness and Purpose Cannot Be Found In A Bucket List

    “There is no need to reach high for the stars. They are already within you. Just reach deep into yourself!” ~Unknown

    Bucket lists. One hundred things to do before you die. Twenty-five-before-twenty-five. Thirty-before-thirty. New Year’s resolutions.

    You name a goal-setting list, I’ve written it.

    In fact, I can remember writing a list of yearly goals in my journal as young as nine years old. (I can even remember what some of them were, but that’s a secret between me and my younger self, bless her heart.)

    Universal wisdom teaches that one of the keys to a beautiful life is to set and reach goals.

    And setting goals is what I did, year after year.

    I learned to sew my own dresses. Took up photography. Mastered the art of cooking. Traveled across Europe. Read the classics. Started yoga classes. And documented every bit of it on social media (reaffirming my ‘success.’)

    So why did the cup of my soul feel so empty? Why did my life feel so uncomfortable and constraining, like an ill-fitting, itchy sweater? Why did the grey days merge into one long blur, until another year was over with little improvement in my overall happiness?

    Because I was taking my lead from the status quo, my peers, and the media as to what constituted happiness and success instead of following my intuition and inner guide.

    Because I was making my way through a random and disjointed collection of activities and achievements rather than stepping back and looking at the overall picture of who I wanted to be and how I wanted to live my life.

    Because I was putting my happiness off until a day in the future where I had ticked off a suitable number of goals in my life rather than realizing that the present day was already filled with so much magic, excitement, beauty, simple joys, and goodness. And I had absolutely every reason and means to be happy and overflowing with contentment right here and now.

    But above all, I always ended up feeling empty, despite my ambition and goal-kicking, because of one major misunderstanding about the nature of life: I was looking to external sources for happiness and a sense of fulfilment instead of anchoring my happiness and meaning within.

    It’s not that goals and achievements are bad to have or even unnecessary, but they are the icing on the cake of life. And so, while they are nice-to-haves, your happiness and self-worth should not be dependent on them.

    I realized that your value as a person shouldn’t fluctuate up and down based on whether you have a relationship, a house, an esteemed career, a slim figure, or a Facebook list full of friends.

    You are inherently worthwhile and enough, and you win at life simply by being here. By being you in this very moment, a once-in-a-humankind combination of natural aptitudes, interests, passions, and quirks.

    With this kind of thinking, it dawned on me that, while goals and dreams are incredibly positive and worthwhile, maybe they should be seen as secondary to your higher purpose in life: to be you.

    To get in touch with your soul through life experience, meditation, movement, being in nature, service, and being lost in the flow of doing things you love.

    To fall deeply in love with who you are.

    To grow into the highest embodiment of you.

    To love and accept and give to and forgive everyone you encounter.

    To pick yourself back up and try again whenever you fall short of that highest version of you.

    To eat your favorite foods, dance to your favorite music, laugh to your favorite jokes, wear your favorite clothing, read your favorite books, and work, date, live, create, indulge, and adventure in ways that feel good to you.

    To become fully alive and benefit the world with your gifts.

    The most surprising thing was, the more I let go of external goals and focused on self-love, soul-care, and the field of diamonds within me, the more external success seemed to come more naturally.

    As a kind of by-product of taking care of my internal world, my external world has continually transformed in beautiful and amazing ways.

    We need not fear that by giving up some of our goal-chasing time for self-discovery, time alone, and soul-nourishing activities, we’ll end up living a lesser life. My experience has shown me that the exact opposite is true.

    I urge you to take a moment today to shift your focus away from reaching for the stars, to the stars already within you. Feel them. Breathe them. Embrace them. Thank them. And remember them as you go about the rest of your day.

  • How to Listen to Your Body (and Become Happy Again)

    How to Listen to Your Body (and Become Happy Again)

    “Keeping your body healthy is an expression of gratitude to the whole cosmos—the trees, the clouds, everything.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    It’s embarrassing, isn’t it?

    You don’t want to make a fuss about tiny health annoyances.

    But you feel lethargic for no apparent reason. You get constipated, especially when you travel. You have difficulty sleeping.  And your hormones are all over the place.  You hold onto that niggly five or ten pounds like your life depends on it.

    Sound familiar? I’ve been there too.

    I was working at a dream job and living on the French Riveria. I was paid a lot of money to help Fortune 500 Companies with their IT strategies.

    I worked in cities like Paris, Dublin, London, and Manchester during the week, staying in luxury hotels and flying to my home in Nice on weekends. We partied like rock stars on the beaches, and in exclusive clubs and glamorous villas. At twenty-nine, I was a management-level executive on the cusp of becoming a partner.

    Meanwhile, my body wasn’t happy. I was chronically tired. I slept poorly. And despite daily exercise and yoga, I couldn’t figure out my weight gain.  

    I tried the radical Master Cleanse—drinking lemon juice and maple syrup for a week. But the extra weight would creep back.

    My hormones went crazy. When I stopped birth control pills, my menstrual cycles stopped. I wasn’t sure if that was the reason for my blotchy skin and depression. And the worst part was my mood. I wasn’t happy, despite all the glitzy outside trappings.

    The One Thing Most People Never Learn To Do

    Then I did something most people never learn to do: I listened.

    I felt great after practicing yoga. I took a baby step: I practiced more yoga and eventually attended teacher training sessions. Fast-forward a couple years….

    I quit my job, packed my belongings, and moved to a yoga retreat center in Thailand. The move felt natural and organic.

    I lived simply in a tiny bungalow and taught yoga retreats to tourists. And my health improved. I was sleeping well. My periods eventually returned. I felt better and better, and my sparkle returned too.

    The first and most important step is to stop and listen. Your body and mind are intimately connected. Listen to your body and you’ll learn a ton. Start with tiny steps and you’ll reach your pot of gold quicker than you’d expect.

    You can do this.

    You’d think doing so would be impossible, but it’s not. I’ll tell you how.

    But first, let’s look at three core principles that could save you.

    Don’t Make This Monumental Mistake

    Most people ignore their small but annoying health issues. Nothing about your health is inconsequential. Everything matters. Your digestion. Your ability to lose belly fat. Your bowel movements.

    You’re not alone if you want to run screaming and bury your head in the sand. How about changing your mindset?

    Rather than categorizing what is wrong with you, notice how your body throws you clues. For example, you aren’t going to the bathroom every day. Usually for a very simple reason—lack of dietary fiber. Try adding an apple and ground flax to your breakfast and see what happens.

    The Alarming Truth About Stress

    It can make or break your healthiest intentions. When we perceive danger, stress is our body’s natural response.

    For cave people, stress came when a lion was about to pounce; we needed to run like lightning.

    Under stress, we optimize our resources for survival and shutdown non-essential functions. Translation? Your digestion grinds to a halt, your sex hormones (estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone) convert to cortisol, and your blood sugar skyrockets.

    This is okay now and then. Are you in a state of constant, low-grade stress? Imagine the havoc and inner turmoil.

    A few condition-linked stresses include IBS, constipation, weight gain, insomnia, high blood sugar, and hormone irregularities—for women, missed or absent periods, severe PMS, and fertility issues. And these are just the tip of the iceberg.

    Your body and mind are like the matrix.

    The Western approach to medicine is to examine each problem separately, so you end up with a different specialist for each malady.

    In Eastern medicines, your body is a united whole rather than a constellation of unrelated parts. Your insomnia may be the result of high stress. Or your constipation and weight gain may be due to a complete absence of fiber in your diet.

    Now let’s talk about what you need to do.

    But first, I must introduce you to your personal, world-class health advocate. And it’s not your doctor, your chiropractor, or even your yoga teacher.

    It’s you.

    1. What silence can teach you about listening.

    Set aside time to listen to your own deepest wishes. I searched for answers outside of myself, looking for rigid rules and diets. I used food to shut off my thoughts. It was hard, but I gradually let my truths surface. I know you can do it too. Decide on a time, and set aside ten minutes each day. Breathe deeply and listen.

    How are you feeling physically, mentally, and emotionally?

    Have a journal nearby to jot down any thoughts. Notice what pops into your head. Bring yourself back to your breath if you start to get lost in thoughts.

    2. What would happen if you followed your passions right now?

    You can do this right now in tiny steps. Make time to do the things you love.

    How do you most want to spend each day? Write a list of your priorities and brainstorm easy solutions.

    Exercise: wake up twenty minutes earlier. Do a series of sit-ups, push-ups, leg lifts, squats, etc.

    Time with your children: say no to superfluous activities—committees, boards, etc.

    More creative time: schedule your time on weekends for writing, painting, or whatever you love.

    Treat it like a priority appointment.

    When I worked at a corporate job, I’d wake early to practice yoga at home before work. I didn’t miss the sleep, and I was much more productive and happier during the day. I couldn’t control the rest of the day, but I relished my sacred morning ritual.

    3. Say goodbye to your job if it makes you unhappy.

    Right now, maybe you need it to support your family. No problem. Make sure you limit your working hours. Make the rest count.

    Turn off your TV and put away your iPhone. Spend engaged time with your family. Thinking about work takes you away from important leisure activities.

    Your people will always be important—your children, parents, siblings, friends, and your tribe. Don’t sweat the little things. Cultures with high longevity emphasize personal relationships, support networks, and family. The elders are the big shots, not the richest in the village.

    4. How to glow from the inside out.

    We are genetically wired to thrive on a whole-foods diet. A rule of thumb: the more processed the food, the less you should eat.

    Most of the diets that actually work—paleo, low-carb, and vegan—all have whole foods at their base. They vary in content, but all encourage vegetables, fruits, and good-quality protein sources.

    Return to those niggly health issues. Take an honest look at your diet. What could you do better? What things would you be willing to change?

    I used to systematically overeat healthy foods. My diet was great, but I used foods, even healthy ones, to quell my inner unhappiness. I hated my job. I felt lonely and isolated.

    Start with one change per month. Not more. Drink a glass of water with your meals and skip sugary drinks.Or eat a salad with your lunch or dinner.

    5. Here’s a little-known secret about your mind.

    How do you feel after eating a plate of fried foods? Or a big meal in a restaurant followed by dessert? I feel fuzzy and sluggish.

    What about after eating a bowl of candy? Like a space cadet? Sugar spikes our blood sugar and makes concentration impossible.

    Want to keep your mind clear and alert? Choose fresh vegetables and fruits, high-quality animal products, legumes like lentils and beans, healthy fats from nuts and seeds, and high-quality cold-pressed oils.

    Why Most People Fail Miserably

    Simply put, they don’t prioritize their own health. Don’t fall down that rabbit hole.

    Your job is not to put everyone else’s health above your own.

    Your job is not to make excuses about what you should be doing but aren’t.

    Your job is to be your most enthusiastic health advocate. You must fight tooth and nail to make stellar choices for your health.

    Your good intentions are worthless if you never take action. I’ve been there too. I’ve ignored my body. It was a mistake.

    Start making tiny changes, like having oatmeal and an apple for breakfast. Notice how much better you feel. You’ll be chomping at the bit to do more.

    Living well makes you feel better and happier. But it requires a little courage and determination.

    Start with one tiny step in the right direction. Take five minutes now and decide what your first step is.

    You know you deserve a healthier life.

    And more happiness.

  • How to Motivate Yourself Instead of Criticizing Yourself

    How to Motivate Yourself Instead of Criticizing Yourself

    “I define depression as a comparison of your current reality to a fantasy about how you wish your life would be.” ~Dr. John Demartini

    I always wanted to do things “right.” I was the little kid at the front of the room, raising her hand for every question. I was great at pushing myself to succeed and please.

    My drive to be perfect was an asset through college and law school. I rocked high grades and landed a big firm job right out of school. But that same drive drove me right into a therapist’s office at twenty-five, where I was diagnosed with severe depression.

    Then just like any good perfectionist, I drove myself harder to overcome the depression, to be more perfect. I Cookie Monstered personal growth, intensely gobbling up books, lectures, retreats, and coaching.

    Have you ever been cruising along, then suddenly realized you’ve been going the wrong way for a while?

    When I had suicidal thoughts in my thirties after giving birth to my daughter, my intense drive came to a screeching halt. My desire to be perfect had driven me into a deep and scary postpartum depression.

    My thoughts were no longer mine, and for the first time in my life I was afraid of what was happening in my head. Something had to shift.

    So I went on a new journey, one designed to find out (for real this time) how to reduce the daily suffering that I knew I was causing myself. What I learned shifted my entire life. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

    Let me walk you through my journey. Maybe you can discover something about yourself along the way.

    To Motivate or To Berate—That is the Question

    Like all good journeys, mine starts with a hero (me) and a villain (my inner critic voice). Now, that “little voice” for me was not little at all. It was more like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man in Ghostbusters, the mean one with the scary eyes.

    One day I decided to turn toward my Mean Marshmallow Man Voice and ask it questions. Why must I be perfect? Why are you always criticizing me?

    “Because you’re not perfect.” It said, with a booming voice. “You’re not…” and then it went on to list about 2,000 things that I was failing to do, be, say, or accomplish.

    But this time, when I pictured all of these 2,000 things, I started to imagine the person who would actually have done all of those things. Who would this person be, this perfect version of me? Let’s name her Perfect Lauren.

    Well, let’s see. Perfect Lauren would never let the clothes on her floor pile up, or the mail go unread. Perfect Lauren wouldn’t spend hours watching The Walking Dead or surfing Facebook. Perfect Lauren would work out every day, in the morning, before work.

    Perfect Lauren would eat extremely well and would skip Starbucks, no matter how much she loved Salted Carmel Mochas. Perfect Lauren would have a perfect meditation practice every day.

    I saw my entire life flash before my eyes, one long comparison to Perfect Lauren and one long failure to measure up. Did I assume that with enough self-abuse, one day I would become Perfect Lauren? One day I would finally be this fantasy super mom who would always “have it together”?

    Suddenly I realized that my immense drive, the one that had allowed me to be so successful, was not a drive toward the happiness I wanted. I was not driving toward anything at all. I was driving away from something.

    I drove myself to avoid feeling shame, self-criticism, and self-hate. I drove myself to please the Mean Marshmallow Man Voice. I drove myself to avoid hating myself.

    Why do you do things? Do you exercise, eat right, study, or work hard because you love yourself and want good for yourself? Or do you do these things to avoid shame and self-criticism?

    I had spent my entire life motivating myself with negativity. And I was now paying the price.

    Why It’s Hard to Change

    Once I realized how much I compared myself to Perfect Lauren, I tried to stop. It seems simple. Just stop doing it.

    But when I tried too hard, I kept getting stuck in this Dr. Seuss-like spiral of hating myself for trying to not hate myself. My former coach used to call that a “double bind,” because you’re screwed either way.

    For me to finally learn how to change this, I first had to ask myself…why? And yes, I know that I’m starting to sound like Yoda, but follow me here.

    Why did I need to compare myself to Perfect Lauren? Why did it matter? When I pulled at the thread, I found the sad truth.

    I compare myself to Perfect Lauren because somewhere deep in my mind I believe that Perfect Lauren gets the love. Real Lauren doesn’t. So I must constantly push myself to be Perfect Lauren, never accepting Real Lauren.

    Okay, that sounds ridiculous. When you highlight a belief, sometimes it can look like a big dog with shaved fur, all shriveled and silly. I don’t believe that at all.

    I believe the Lauren that leaves clothes on the floor and loses the toothpaste cap deserves love! The Lauren who hates to unload the dishwasher and loses bills in a pile of mail, she deserves love too!

    How to Transform Self-Criticism

    Have you ever looked endlessly for something and then realized it was sitting right in front of your face? It turns out that the solution to my self-criticism and comparison was actually pretty simple—start loving myself more.

    Now loving Real Lauren, with all faults, is not easy. But I’m trying.

    Instead of pushing myself with shame, hatred, and self-criticism, I am learning to motivate myself with praise. Instead of threatening myself, I am pumping myself up.

    And this has changed everything. I actually get more done using positive motivation. And more importantly, I feel better about what I get done. I’m happier, calmer, and feel more at peace with my life.

    If you want to shift your own self-criticism and free yourself from the tyranny of your Mean Marshmallow Man, stop trying to fix yourself and start trying to love yourself.

    Here is a practical way to implement this into your life:

    The next time you notice that you are criticizing yourself or comparing yourself to Perfect You, stop. Hit the pause button in your head.

    Next, say, “Even though I… I love and accept all of myself.” So, for me today, “Even though I shopped on Zulily instead of writing this blog post, I love and accept all of myself.”

    Now imagine that you’re giving yourself a hug, internally. Try to generate a feeling of self-compassion.

    When you do this regularly, you will start to notice what I noticed. Love and self-compassion can shift even the strongest negative thoughts and emotions and allow you to enjoy more of your life.

    And that’s the real goal here, isn’t it? If we keep driving ourselves using self-criticism, we will never be happy, no matter how perfect we are, because we won’t enjoy the process. We won’t enjoy the journey.

    I believe that the happiest people in life aren’t the ones with the least baggage. They are just the ones who learned to carry it better so that they can enjoy the ride.

    The more we generate self-compassion and love, the easier perfectionism and self-criticism will be to carry. And the easier it will be for us to love and enjoy this beautiful and amazing journey called life.

  • Review and Giveaway: In the Garden of Happiness

    Review and Giveaway: In the Garden of Happiness

    In the Garden of Happiness

    Update: The winners for this giveaway have already been chosen:

    Ken Golden

    Sandy

    Be inspired. Be strong. Be happy.

    These words pop from the peaceful imagery on the back cover of Dodinsky’s In the Garden of Happiness, nicely summarizing the benefits of perusing this uplifting illustrated book.

    If you’ve read his first book, In the Garden of Thoughts, you know what to expect from this bestselling author: whimsical imagery and powerful wisdom in a deceptively tiny package.

    His work provides encouragement when you’re feeling hopeless or helpless; reassurance when you’re feeling insecure or insignificant; and comfort when you’re feeling regretful or remorseful.

    Some of my favorite passages include:

    Whenever you manage to smile in spite of the hardships you’re facing, it means your soul is refusing to be a prisoner of your sorrows.

    To find the star that sparkles the most, you need to look inward—because not all stars are settled in the sky.

    It is sometimes the uphill struggles that will give you the best view of life’s most forgotten and beautiful landscapes.

    Colorful, insightful, soothing, and empowering, In the Garden of Happiness is the perfect gift for anyone—of any age—who appreciates vibrant art and bite-size pieces of inspiration.

    I’ve left my copy where I can easily access it for an instant pick-me-up. Simultaneously simple and profound, it never fails to comfort and uplift me.

    As a huge fan of Dodinsky, I couldn’t be more thrilled to share In the Garden of Happiness with you, and I’m grateful he’s offered two free copies for Tiny Buddha readers.

    To Enter the Giveaway

    • Leave a comment below
    • For an extra entry, tweet or post on Facebook: Enter the giveaway on Tiny Buddha to win a free copy of In the Garden of Happiness, by Dodinsky: http://bit.ly/14orN3W

    You can enter until midnight PST on Friday, January 9th. The book launches tomorrow, and is available for pre-order on Amazon now.

    FTC Disclosure: I receive complimentary books for reviews and interviews on tinybuddha.com, but I am not compensated for writing or obligated to write anything specific. I am an Amazon affiliate, meaning I earn a percentage of all books purchased through the links I provide on this site. 

  • 4 Tips to Live a Balanced, Happy Life with Fewer Regrets

    4 Tips to Live a Balanced, Happy Life with Fewer Regrets

    Life Balance

    “Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance and order and rhythm and harmony.” ~Thomas Merton

    Balance has become an ever-elusive thing these days. The onslaught of technological breakthroughs, aimed at making life easier, has given way to a societal expectation that we are available around the clock.

    This has bled into our careers, where our employers have ever increasing expectations that we can do more in less time. We have 168 hours in our week to sleep, work, rest, be with our loved ones, and pursue personal interests.

    Unfortunately, the majority of people in the world today complain that they aren’t able to keep up with the competing commitments that steal much of their precious time.

    It’s no longer enough to contemplate how this happened and talk about the “good ole days” when life was easier and the days were longer.

    We need to identify what balance looks like for us (as it differs from person to person), work on regaining some of our time, and find more balance so we can truly show up and be present in all the different areas of our lives.

    My wake-up call about my imbalanced life came when I lost my best friend to suicide a few years ago.

    When you experience a sudden loss of this magnitude, you most certainly find yourself in a place of deep contemplation and restructuring. I recognized my own mortality in a way I hadn’t before.

    As a result, I had to do some housekeeping in order to get my life “up to snuff,” so I took an honest and meaningful inventory of all the different parts of my life.

    I looked at the people I was spending my time with, the activities I engaged in, and the places I dwelled. I asked myself if these people, activities, and places were feeding my soul, supporting my journey, and providing love and support.

    It was through this inventory I realized how out of balance my life was. It’s also how I came up with the action plan I am sharing with you now

    1. Start with a values inventory.

    You want to sit down, grab a pen and a piece of paper, and list all of the values that are important to you. You’ll also want to put them in order of importance.

    Some of my top life values include happiness, love, fellowship, integrity, and spirituality. It’s important to note that your top values are defined only by you and carry their own power and placement in your life.

    For example, I define spirituality as my connection to, and relationship with, the source of all things. I honor that value through daily meditation, prayer, and my efforts to make the world a better place through my work and my charity fund. I also honor that value by ensuring I live a life full of generosity, gratitude, respect, and compassion.

    2. Look at your life domains and identify the imbalances present in each area.

    When I speak about life domains, I’m talking about self, career, relationships, and community.

    Self: This domain includes you, your time, your interests, and your self-care.

    Career: This domain speaks to your current job and your employer.

    Relationships: This domain speaks to your loved ones, both friends and family.

    Community: This domain speaks to your participation in your local community (volunteer work, belonging to a religious or spiritual institution, coaching your child’s little league team, etc.)

    Again, you want to grab a pen and a piece of paper. For each of your four life domains, identify what the ideal balance would be. Be detailed in your description of each life domain.

    For example, in the relationships domain, identify those people you would want to see on a regular basis. What frequency would you like to see them and under what circumstances? What would you need to do in order to make that happen?

    You should also weave in your top values to better understand how they should support your efforts in each life domain.

    For example, I would talk about the importance of my value around love and how it plays out in the relationship domain. I would write about my choice to surround myself only with kind, loving people who support me and I support in return.

    The goal here is to create an ideal vision of balance in each domain.

    3. Write about the current status of each life domain.

    If your life domains are imbalanced, write down the details surrounding the imbalances and what you’ll need to do to get them in alignment.

    For example, if your career domain is imbalanced because you’re working too many hours for a demanding supervisor, think about the steps you’ll need to take to regain your balance.

    Maybe it’s talking to your boss about getting you some help or working fewer hours. If your work environment isn’t conducive with this type of dialogue, maybe looking for a better job is a consideration.

    If some of your life domains are in balance, write about the steps you are committing to in order to prevent them from being compromised. It’s important to be clear on your approach to living, and maintaining, a balanced life.

    4. Begin implementing the changes you want to see in a realistic and bite size manner.

    You want to focus on one domain at a time, and tackle one change at time. Pick a domain and implement your first change.

    Once you have grown comfortable with this change and it is now part of your “new normal,” you can move on to the next change.

    When you have implemented all of the changes in your first domain, and reached the balance you desire, you can move to the next domain. I would suggest starting with the easiest changes first.

    Start to build momentum with the changes that will help you create more balance right away. Maybe that’s turning off your work computer at 8:00 every night so you can be with your family, eating healthier, or committing to visiting your parents every Sunday morning.

    These are small changes that can have a big impact on your life!

    —

    At the end of the day, this is all about you living a regret-free existence. Later in life, you don’t want to look back and feel regret for neglecting certain parts of your life (children, health, career aspirations, etc.) because you didn’t take the steps necessary to make things better.

    Balance isn’t easy to achieve, but it is well worth the effort. Make a commitment to find your balance today!

    Life balance image via Shutterstock

  • How To Be The Best Version Of You A Lot More Often

    How To Be The Best Version Of You A Lot More Often

    Happy Woman

    “In chaos, there is fertility.” ~Anaïs Nin

    Are you a calm creature in your yoga class, then you get home and yell at your kids?

    Do you ever read a really inspirational book or blog and think, “Yes! That makes total sense, and I’m going to start doing that!” Then life gets busy and it never quite happens?

    Do you ever feel like you’re two different people living in the same body? Saying one thing, doing another?

    Me too.

    For the past fifteen years I’ve been a self-development junkie.

    I’ve read tons of books and I’ve attended courses and loads of amazing workshops. These covered everything from parenting to time management, relationships to getting organized, healthy eating to setting up a business, plus anything to do with spirituality and personal growth.

    All of these have inspired me with an array of fantastic ideas—but often they remained just ideas, floating around in my head without any action plan behind them.

    On the mat at my local yoga center I was the calm, peaceful, positive soul I craved to be. Yet, when I got home and re-entered my chaotic reality, it felt like just a temporary illusion.

    I was straight back to my grumpy, irritable, impatient “other self.”

    What was wrong with me? How could I be so Jekyll and Hyde?

    How could I more consistently be the “me” I loved being around?

    I was writing in my journal one day when I began to list the qualities I show when I’m being my best version of me.

    • Kind
    • Lighthearted
    • Playful
    • Calm
    • Relaxed
    • Positive
    • Present

    I knew what brought out the best in me—yoga, inspiring workshops, running in nature, laughing with friends, dancing my socks off, getting stuck in an amazing book.

    Then I listed what the poor version of me looks like.

    • Irritable
    • Impatient
    • Snappy
    • Short-fused
    • Negative
    • Mind spinning in overdrive!

    I asked myself, “What brings out the poor version of me?”

    • Feeling overwhelmed, with a lot on my plate
    • Too much on my mind, trying to figure things out in my head
    • Rushed, running late
    • Tired
    • Not enough “me” time

    And it occurred to me that, since I know what brings out the worst in me, why not look at each of these things and find ways to make them happen less often?

    I realized that I needed to get a handle on the day-to-day “running the show” stuff.

    To tackle overwhelm and having too much on my plate, I began to take a deep look at my time management. I learned how to say “no,” to delegate, and to structure my days better.

    I began to prepare for success by meal planning, laying clothes out for myself and the kids the night before, and always thinking one step ahead about what I’d need to take with me before going out the door, so I could feel calm and confident that I wasn’t forgetting anything.

    I began to feel less rushed. I was on time.

    Then I got back into a regular journal writing habit. I also had weekly scheduled brain-dumps to get things out of my head and onto paper so I could figure things. I crafted step-by-step action plans to get organized and on top of everything that needed doing.

    Instead of spending my evenings slumped in front of the TV or scrolling mindlessly on my phone, I started having regular candlelit baths and getting into bed earlier, curled up with a good book.

    It was the “me” time I always craved but never thought I had space in my day for. And I was consistent with it. I was finally implementing a lot of the great things I’d read about (hurrah!), and I felt the best version of me coming out more often.

    Once I got on top of the logistics, I felt less stressed and overwhelmed. It was easier to be more mindful and present. I began a daily practice of checking in with myself, asking, “How am I feeling?” listening to the answers and using them to guide me.

    After a lifetime of telling myself “I’m not a morning person,” I began to wake fifteen minutes before the children and used this quiet time to write in a gratitude journal or meditate using an app on my phone.

    It’s helped me stop being so cranky at breakfast and send my kids off to school peacefully, and with love.

    It took recognizing what brings out the worst in me to turn things around. It didn’t happen overnight, but by taking baby steps in the right direction I got there.

    Now I’m able to be my best version of me in my everyday life—not just on the yoga mat.

    If you want to be your best version of you more often, write your answers to the following questions:

    I feel like my best version of me when…

    How I feel about myself when I’m the best version of me…

    It’s easier to be my best version of me when…

    I’m a poor version of me when… 

    What can I learn from these insights? What new habits can I create to make it easier to be my best version of me?

    Inspired actions I will take this week:

    1.

    2.

    3.

    Share in the comments below: What brings out your best and worst you? What can you do to bring out your best self more often?

    Happy woman image via Shutterstock

  • How to Love Your Life at Every Age

    How to Love Your Life at Every Age

    Family Running

    “The future is completely open, and we are writing it moment to moment.” ~Pema Chodron

    When I was twenty-seven, a wave of dread swept over my life.

    As I looked to the future, all I could see was the beginning of the end. Pretty soon, it would all be downhill.

    Why the doom and gloom? I was approaching thirty!

    Like many young people in their teens and twenties, I regarded “The Big 3-0” as the end of the party.

    I would become uncool (or perhaps more accurately, even less cool than I already was). I feared turning into my parents.

    One day, I was expressing my anxiety to an older friend of mine (she was all of thirty-three).

    She put her arm around me, looked at me with one of those oh-you-poor-clueless-thing expressions, and said, “Your thirties will beat your twenties hands down! You’ll have your act together more, earn more money, but still be youthful enough to do all the things you want to do.”

    She was right, of course.

    Soon after I turned thirty, I met the partner with whom I would share my life for the next twelve years. My career took off, I bought a house, and I was able to afford some vacations. Most important, I gained some maturity and focus on my life.

    My thirties were terrific. They did, in fact, beat my twenties hands down.

    Since then, I have never dreaded the approach of a “milestone” birthday—or any birthday, for that matter. Each passing year, and each stage of life, brings its own joys and its own opportunities to grow and adapt.

    My forties brought plenty of opportunities to grow and adapt. I went through a break-up and numerous dating misadventures, my career took off in new directions, and I met my current husband. In spite of (or probably because of) all the change, adaptation, and growth, my forties were terrific.

    We’re often reminded that we should live in the present moment, and that we shouldn’t worry about tomorrow or hold on to regrets from yesterday.

    That’s great advice, but I also believe that we need to maintain a positive focus on the future.

    To me, this is not a contradiction. We can fully live in the present and plan for the future. To live only for today is to risk wandering without direction.

    Our dreams, hopes, and goals keep us growing and moving forward. We are happiest when we are on our journey to reach a destination we have envisioned and are excited about.

    I’m now fifty-seven and embarking upon a slightly early retirement. I’ve had challenges and adjustments, but that’s okay. So far, my fifties are terrific.

    I’ve decided that it’s time to retire the word “retirement.” I prefer to think of my remaining decades as my “Renaissance”—a time for redefining, rebuilding, and rebranding myself.

    You can embark upon your own personal Renaissance at any point in your life.

    Regardless of whether your horizon is your thirties, forties, fifties, or retirement, here are some steps you can take to bring more meaning and enjoyment to your life today, while setting the stage for a terrific tomorrow:

    1. Pursue things you don’t think you have time for.

    Write down the things that truly make your heart sing. Include pursuits you don’t have time for now. Think about activities from your youth that have fallen aside due to the demands of adulthood.

    You should find that one or two of these items will resonate with you more than anything else. Try to find at least one or two hours a week to devote to your passion.

    I love jazz and playing my trombone. For much of my adult life, I’ve played in a band that rehearses one night a week. Sometimes I’ve been so busy that I haven’t had time to play any more than that, but at least I played once a week.

    Now, I have time to play in more ensembles and practice as often as I like. If I had abandoned playing my trombone entirely throughout my working years, it would have been much harder for me to pick it up again. And I would have deprived myself of enjoyment for all those years.

    2. Define your legacy. What do you want to leave behind?

    What do you want to be remembered for? How do you want to make a lasting contribution to the world? It could be a book, artwork, music, a service organization you establish or contribute your time and talent toward, or perhaps the impact you have on the lives of others through coaching, mentoring, or leadership.

    Even if you an hour or two is all you can devote to your true passion today, you’ll still be making a difference, and you’ll be setting yourself up for more fulfillment in your coming years.

    3. Decide where you truly want to live, and make plans to move there.

    Where would you live if you didn’t care where your job is located? Write down the possibilities that excite you the most.

    Many people wait until they retire to move to where they truly want to live. Maybe it’s not practical to move now, especially if you like your job but not where you live. Can you shape your future to live where you belong?

    As I approached forty, I decided that I had had enough of cold winters, heavy traffic, and the high cost of living in the Washington, D.C. area, so I decided to move to Arizona.

    It was the smartest move I’ve ever made. I’m glad I didn’t wait twenty years to move to the warmth and sunshine I so enjoy now.

    4. Travel to the places you’ve always wanted to visit.

    While I try to live my life with no regrets, I wish I had traveled more in my twenties and thirties. I now know that exploring new lands and cultures is one of the richest and most memorable experiences you can have.

    In addition to beholding the breathtaking beauty of our planet, seeing how other people live will enrich your understanding of humanity and expand your worldview.

    You’ll also expand your range of possibilities for where you might like to live.

    5. Re-examine your perceptions about aging.

    When you think about reaching your next milestone birthday, what sort of feelings does that trigger?

    If I could write a letter to my twenty-seven-year-old self, I would tell him that worrying about how miserable my life would be after I turned thirty only served to make me unhappy when I was twenty-seven.

    If my friend hadn’t shared her wisdom and changed my view, my thirties probably would have been miserable—because that’s what I would have expected.

    Replace your anxieties about getting older with an appreciation for all the possibilities you can create.

    —

    Is it time for you to embark upon your Renaissance?

    That may mean making that career change you’ve been contemplating. It may mean eliminating unfulfilling activities to free up time to truly follow your passion. Maybe it means moving to that place you know you belong.

    Whatever your Renaissance looks like, defining it and making it happen won’t occur overnight. It’s a process that will unfold over time.

    Envisioning a brighter future and embarking upon the journey to make that happen will bring focus and happiness to your life today.

    Running family image via Shutterstock

  • 51 Ways to Feel Happy in 5 Minutes

    51 Ways to Feel Happy in 5 Minutes

    “Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.” ~Buddha

    For the longest time I lived in the future.

    I had a grand list of all the big things I wanted to do…

    Build a multinational company, become a philanthropist, go on long vacations all over the world with my wife, have a big house with a lovely garden…the list goes on!

    It’s great to be ambitious, I still believe that.

    However, the more I made plans and worked toward my ambitions, the more I reinforced a concept within my mind—that the present is not okay. 

    “Who I am, where I am living, what I look like, how much money I have—none of it is enough for me to be happy now.”

    I had made my happiness conditional on my success, on the “big” things in life.

    One morning, after finishing my Tai Chi session in the park, I noticed a lovely bed of flowers. I had been going to that the park for months but had never noticed those flowers before.

    Being the goal-oriented person I am, I was focused on perfecting my Tai Chi moves. So focused, that I had forgotten that one of the key purposes of Tai Chi is to be more in the present, to be satisfied with life.

    That’s when I realized that my ambitions were blinding me to all that I already have in life.

    I asked myself: Can I be happy with what I already have now, be happy with the little things in life?

    I began to consciously make an effort to realize how beautiful my life is, to be aware of the little things that make the present moment special. We all experience such moments every day. We just don’t notice them. We let them pass by like strangers on an elevator exchanging polite smiles.

    Rather than just smile, I started to give those fleeting moments a hug. I really began to live them.

    I became happier, my energy levels rose, and I became more productive. I stopped worrying about my business—my grand plans for the future!

    My mind still has a habit of flitting between the past and the future, but sometimes it takes only five minutes to bring it back into the present moment, to just feel happy.

    If you are wondering how to do that, try one of these tiny ways:

    Enjoy Nature in the City

    I used to feel like heading out into the lap of Mother Nature every other weekend. Then I asked myself, how could I enjoy nature right in the city?

    1. Watch the leaves fall on a windy day.

    2. Wake up early and listen to the silence.

    3. Look at the clouds and try to find shapes and maybe even faces.

    4. Listen to the birds chirping.

    5. Check out some breathtaking photos on National Geographic.

    6. Watch a butterfly flutter away.

    7. Listen to the thunder on a rainy day.

    8. Sit on a park bench and enjoy the greenery.

    9. Walk barefoot on grass.

    Be Grateful for What You Already Have

    There’s so much in life that we take for granted that many can only dream of. Let’s remember how fortunate we are when we experience these ordinary moments.

    10. Enjoy drinking a glass of water. Eight hundred million people in the world do not have access to clean water.

    11. Be grateful for the food on your plate. Over eight hundred million people do not get enough to eat.

    12. Be grateful for the people in your life.

    13. Just be grateful that you are alive.

    14. Think of ten other things you are grateful for.

    Bring Out the Child in You

    How difficult is it to regain that carefree nature of childhood when you are older? Go ahead, do something silly and have a good laugh!

    15. Read an Archie comic book.

    16. Blow soap bubbles.

    17. Catch snowflakes with your tongue.

    18. Take a walk in the rain.

    19. Lick a fast melting ice-cream.

    20. Practice your Kung Fu moves or air guitar in front of the mirror!

    Enjoy a Hobby

    Do you have time for hobbies? I used to feel that I didn’t, until I figured that a hobby does not require half an hour a day. Five minutes is enough.

    21. Play a song on your guitar (or any instrument).

    22. Listen to a song you love. (Keep a playlist in your phone).

    23. Better still, sing aloud.

    24. Learn a new dance move from YouTube.

    25. Capture an urban scene with your camera phone.

    26. Read your favorite part from that novel you really love.

    27. Read a new book for just five minutes before you go to bed.

    Take Care of Yourself

    You might be giving time to your work, your ambitions, and your family. Are you taking good care of yourself?

    28. Exercise for just five minutes—skip rope, jog, do five pushups and squats. Exercise releases endorphins, which make you happier.

    29. Relish a delicious serving of fruits.

    30. Pen down your thoughts in a journal.

    31. Tidy up a corner of your house.

    32. Meditate for five minutes.

    Love Yourself

    Before I felt that I had enough in life, I had to love myself enough.

    33. Think of five things that you love about who you are as a person.

    34. Every night before going to bed, think of at least one thing you achieved on that day, however small or insignificant it might seem.

    35. Give yourself a hug. (It works.)

    Do Something for Someone Else

    Giving creates a feeling of abundance like few other things do.

    36. Feed a stray dog or cat.

    37. Help a neighbor with an errand.

    38. Help out a coworker with your expertise.

    39. Send flowers and a card to that relative you haven’t spoken to in years.

    Connect with People

    Work was an excuse for me to not find time for my loved ones. Does it really take much to cherish these relationships?

    40. Call a friend and say hello. (Don’t text!)

    41. Cuddle with your partner in the morning.

    42. Call your parents.

    43. Remember a happy moment with your loved ones.

    44. Forgive someone for a small offense. (This makes it easier to forgive people for the big offenses.)

    45. Apologize to someone.

    46. Look at old pictures that bring back memories.

    Indulge Your Senses

    No, you don’t need to go to a spa!

    47. Slowly sip a good cappuccino.

    48. Listen to the sound of an ocean track (on the internet).

    49. Sit in the sun (on your terrace or backyard).

    50. Light aroma candles or incense sticks, like lavender or lemongrass.

    51. Feel the wind in your hair as you drive.

    None of these things are grand or profound, and that’s the whole point. I now believe that life becomes happier and so much more special if we start to enjoy the little things.

    There are, of course, times when I still worry about the future. That’s when I just go ahead and do something on this list. It usually doesn’t take me long to realize just how lucky I am, and I stop worrying.

    What other tiny ways can you think of to feel happy in just five minutes? What will you try out today?

  • A Message for Those Who Feel Lost and Are Looking for Answers

    A Message for Those Who Feel Lost and Are Looking for Answers

    “Wherever you go, there you are.” ~Jon Kabat-Zinn

    On June 24th I got in a cab at the corner of 72nd and Broadway headed to JFK, hauling two huge suitcases full of medications, bug spray, sunscreen, gluten-free foods, a bug tent (really), and cheap cotton clothing.

    I checked in, made my way to the gate, and embarked on a twenty-four-hour flight to Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam.

    Months of confusion and identity crisis brought me here.

    Almost a full year ago, after returning from performing with a national tour that ended up being a lot less fun than I’d dreamed and having a foot surgery right after, thanks to a doctor who made just a little mistake, I decided I wanted to try going off of Zoloft. I had been on it for the better part of six years to help with anxiety and depression.

    This marked the beginning of what I am now referring to as my “quarter-life crisis.”

    I started working with a life coach, began a dedicated daily meditation practice, joined a yoga studio, broke up with my boyfriend of three years, and read Brené Brown, Mark Nepo, Tara Brach, and Byron Katie.

    I went to a million and one auditions, suffered some major loneliness and isolation living in a studio apartment in a Manhattan winter, began letting my ex-boyfriend back into my life, and after several months of this, working so hard to keep myself afloat, I felt 100% lost.

    I began asking hard questions, like “Why are you in showbiz? Are you just trying to prove something? Was this ever what you really wanted to do? Do you even like New York anymore?”

    I sat in my apartment and ruminated, oscillating between feeling God profoundly (life is beautiful! Look—God is in that steam coming out of your humidifier!) and feeling painfully hopeless.

    On one of my few gigs last spring, I was chatting with the make-up artist about her travels to Southeast Asia the previous summer.

    She told me about the nonprofit organization she taught English with. Before she went to Vietnam, she felt uninspired and “over it”; after, she felt like a new person. A light went off inside—maybe this is what I need to do!

    In May I applied, and within weeks I had been interviewed and invited to join the trip to Duc Linh, a rural region about 100 miles northeast of Ho Chi Minh City. I had five weeks to make up my mind, get my act together, and either board the plane or not.

    I was terrified, but I said yes. I hoped that this trip would bring me some answers and force me to grow in the ways I needed to in order to make it through this no-mans-land of confusion, and into the next chapter of my life.

    Duc Linh was nothing like I imagined and nothing like described. I taught English to a group of teenagers and some adults, and spent afternoons playing with little kids of all ages. They absolutely embraced me; it was unconditional love at first sight.

    I felt simultaneously alone and isolated there, as well as overwhelmed by human interaction. The kids would yell “LOW-RAH!” as I walked by, run up to me, adorn me with flowers, touch my clothes, touch my hair, touch my armpits, and hold my hand, all while chattering away in Vietnamese.

    I kept a blog and drafted posts that I assumed I would fully write and publish in a week or two, once I had learned some amazing, life-changing, clarifying lessons.

    I couldn’t wait for several Oprah-worthy “aha!” moments. Those drafts remain drafts, and the “aha” moments came in smaller, less expected ways.

    There was no “Aha! I want to be a (insert amazing profession that totally makes sense and clearly was my calling all this time)!”

    It was more like “Aha! I can ride on the back of a bike with a fifteen-year-old kid who doesn’t speak my language, have no idea where we are going, and have an amazing adventure in a rambutan garden!”

    Or, “Aha! I can become ‘big sister’ to a little girl and boy (Chi and Bao) without having a single conversation.”

    And, probably the biggest one, “Aha! You are enough just as you are. They don’t care that the National Anthem you sang for them on the Fourth of July was totally off-key and had some improvised lyrics; they don’t care that you are a sweaty, frizzy mess; they don’t even care that you can’t speak their language: they love you just for being here.”

    For the first time in my privileged life, I was exposed to an impoverished world, to kids who had no idea what the heck I was talking about when I said “Broadway!?” and who looked at photos of Central Park and said “Wow! It’s like a resort!”

    They wore the same clothes every day and played outside barefoot in the dirt. They slept in houses with tin or straw roofs and anywhere from one to four walls.

    But they were happy. They were beautiful, and giving, and constantly smiling. I realized that the things I thought were important and necessary were not. I realized that the first world doesn’t hold the key to happiness anymore than the third world does.

    My concerns in Vietnam were much more immediate than my American QLC (Quarter Life Crisis) concerns.

    I recalled my QLC problems and thought man, what a luxury to be able to think about that nonsense! If I had a working shower and a bed and a quiet space, I would be perfectly happy!

    After spending a month in Vietnam, I became completely amazed at the life I live.

    In Man’s Search for Meaning Viktor Frankl writes, “A man’s suffering is similar to the behavior of gas. If a certain quantity of gas is pumped into an empty chamber, it will fill the chamber completely and evenly, no matter how big the chamber. Thus suffering completely fills the human soul and conscious mind, no matter whether the suffering is great or little. Therefore the ‘size’ of human suffering is absolutely relative.”

    When I first returned from Vietnam I was overwhelmed with gratitude for my life, but over time the normal anxieties crept back in.

    The confusion I experienced before I left Vietnam was still there, waiting for me in my apartment on 72nd and Broadway, saying, “What, you think you can just leave me here all summer and I would move out?”

    Before I left for Vietnam, I had a great plan of how the following months would play out. I would learn a lot, grow heaps, and hopefully figure out my life purpose over the course of the month spent there (so reasonable).

    Afterward, I would return to the city a new woman with new dreams and plans and a clear sense of purpose and direction. I would write a captivating article all about my transformation and it would be inspiring, motivational, and amazing.

    Everything in my life up to that point would make sense, and I would look back on the last few years and say, “Ahhh, I see why all that happened. It was all to bring me here to this amazing place of self-actualization and peace.”

    Alas, there is no amazing conclusion, no way to tie this piece with a clarifying bow.

    Of all the lessons learned this summer, the greatest one may be “Wherever you go, there you are.”

    I’m still here, confused, and lost and scared—but maybe that’s okay.

    Maybe all we can do is be where we are, do our best, and go out on a few limbs, not for the sake of finding answers, but for the sake of fully living.

  • Being Grateful for the Ordinary: The Life We Have Is Enough

    Being Grateful for the Ordinary: The Life We Have Is Enough

    Woman with Hands Raised

    “If we do not feel grateful for what we already have, what makes us think we’d be happy with more?” ~Unknown

    From time to time during my schooling years I’d be asked to identify my role models. I always chose someone who’d changed the world in a big way—Martin Luther King Jnr, Nelson Mandela, Mahatma Gandhi.

    I never looked within my own life for role models. I had lovely parents and great teachers, and still, I was always looking well beyond what was right in front of me. I was always striving for something more, out there, beyond my own life.

    As I reflect back, I see the dissatisfaction that this bred. I see how little I valued myself and by extension, my immediate surroundings. Somehow it all seemed… not good enough.

    People and experiences that were far away from my hometown seemed so much more important and exciting.

    It wasn’t until I started keeping a gratitude journal that this really began to change. I started the journal because I was depressed. Not sad—can’t-get-out-of-bed-or-even-talk-to-anyone depressed.

    It would hit me on and off over the years, and the only coping mechanism I had at the time was to hide in my bedroom and breathe through the long and agonizing hours, waiting for it to pass.

    A gratitude journal was the first tool I had to help me shift the fog. I would start very simply with the breath. I’d express gratitude that there was breath in my body (although at times I wasn’t even grateful for that).

    Then I’d be grateful that I had a home and a bed to rest in while I recovered. I would then build from there in an attempt to find at least five things I was grateful for that day.

    I wrote in that gratitude journal for a good couple of years before I started to see significant shifts in my perception of life. It was a slow and gradual process, but with each list I subtly turned my focus away from the world outside and toward my own life. Eventually, I turned my focus within.

    As I began to value myself and my life more deeply, I also valued those around me more. I stopped judging them or dismissing them as unimportant.

    I stopped thinking that there might be better people to be spending my time with or emulating, and I started appreciating the people who were right in front of me.

    Eventually, that brought me to appreciate my favorite role models of all time; a small handful of yoga students that I used to teach in an outdoor space by the ocean each Friday morning.

    The students were all women and they were all over the age of fifty.

    Although I’m sure they had very full lives and many reasons not to get out of their comfortable beds each Friday morning to do yoga, they would show up week after week, no matter the weather.

    Some had injuries, some were recovering from illness and some were simply not as strong as they once were. It was this fact that most impressed me. 

    When you’re young and ably bodied, it’s not overly challenging to do something like yoga. Your body is reasonably supple and your muscle tone hasn’t atrophied with the passing of time. As you age, it’s easier to find excuses—arthritis or a bad hip, the onset of an illness, or injuries in your back or knees.

    There’s a saying in yoga that the most difficult part of the practice is doing the practice. I’ve often found this to be true in my own life. It’s even more challenging when it’s dark outside and rainy and cold, and the alternative of staying in bed is right there in front of you.

    But here were these women—perfectly ordinary, everyday women—making choices that made them extraordinary.

    Every week they were the embodiment of the wisdom I’d learned through my gratitude journal; that with persistence and in small gentle steps, lives are transformed.

    Those beautiful students came every week on faith and on trust. They worked hard to build upper body strength and flexibility.

    I saw each of them giving it their all, and although I didn’t know them outside of the classroom, I knew that they understood the value of commitment, the value of continuing even when things are tough, and most of all, I knew that they were brave.

    After class I would watch them swim in the ocean (no matter the season).  They would swim and then they’d have breakfast together. Over breakfast they’d share stories about their lives.

    Watching them, I realized something else about these women. They were women who knew how to build community around them. They weren’t isolated and lonely; they were a part of something. 

    They’d found a place to come together, to connect with themselves, to connect with nature, and to connect with each other.

    In witnessing the simplicity and authenticity of this weekly ritual, I felt a deep gratitude that I’d been privileged enough to be both participant and witness.

    I realized too that my gratitude journaling days had come full circle. That gratitude was no longer something I needed to draw from the depths of my being as a means of abating depression, but was instead a living, breathing everyday experience.

    And in that moment there stopped being somewhere to go and someone to admire who was better, more accomplished, more intelligent, or more influential than me. There was, quite simply, the world and every living being within it.

    All teaching through their actions and all learning through their interactions. All role models to one another and for one another. In that moment there was no separation and no isolation. There was only oneness, and it was all home.

    Taking steps toward change can be so much simpler than we realize. We can start by noticing what’s around us and finding something to be grateful for in that.

    We can stop looking far away for role models in the recognition that we’re surrounded by teachers everyday, and they’re showing up as our friends, family members, colleagues, and neighbours.

    We can stop trying to force change to occur immediately and relax into the realization that change occurs through repetition and commitment—by continuing a practice (such as a gratitude journal) even when we’re not sure if it’s making a difference.

    And we can remind ourselves that we always have a choice. We can choose to be a victim of our life circumstances or we can choose to build on what we have right in front of us.

    My students could easily have stayed home, focusing on what their bodies could no longer do and what they felt they’d lost.

    Instead, they chose what they could do. They could show up. They could build community. And in so doing they declared in actions rather than words, “We are enough. This life is enough and we are grateful.”

    I couldn’t think of a more appropriate prayer to guide us each and every day.

    Woman with open arms image via Shutterstock

  • Rekindle Your Joy by Harnessing the Power of Play

    Rekindle Your Joy by Harnessing the Power of Play

    Kids Playing

    “It is a happy talent to know how to play.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

    It was one of those weeks that felt like I was dragging my feet through mud. Everything seemed like an effort and nothing seemed to be flowing.

    I was caught up in conflicts from the past—a miscommunication with my boyfriend, which resulted in hurt feelings on both sides, and a professional crisis that plunged me into fear and self-doubt.

    In an attempt to calm my mind and become more present, I meditated and chanted mantras, but the tape of negative self-talk continued to play in my head. It berated me for not handling both situations better and made me feel like I was not measuring up.

    A cloud of depression began to hover at the edges of my psyche, threatening to block me from the sunlight of the spirit. I was a captive to thoughts of inferiority. Self-compassion seemed like a far off destination I would never reach.

    I live in a beautiful part of Mexico, but even the warm tropical air wasn’t enough to bring me out of my mental slump.

    Then, my sister came to visit from the states, having taken a long weekend off from work. It was a great diversion and I knew just the place to take her. We drove to a secluded beach on the Pacific coast to spend the day.

    When we arrived, we saw that the usually calm ocean had been churned up by a distant storm. Waves crashed violently upon the shore and a steady wind whipped against our cheeks.

    I took to the water anyway. I wasn’t brave enough to tackle the hulking waves but waded into the shallow white wash. It swirled around me like a natural Jacuzzi. The changing tides threatened to destabilize my footing, so I crouched down to avoid toppling over like a bowling pin.

    Releasing control, I was moved by the push and pull of the current. At one point, a large wave hit further out, sending the tide rushing in. It spun me around like laundry in a machine. A hearty laugh escaped from my lungs as I tumbled around in nature’s whirlpool, completely present in the moment.

    It washed me up on the shore like a happy seal and I whooped with the simple joy of it. My hair was tangled with sand and salt and my swimsuit twisted around me. My sister sat calmly on the shore and, seeing my dishevelled state, laughed along with me before joining me in the water.

    We giggled heartily as we played in the shallows like children. I bodysurfed the whitewash of the waves with my arms outstretched, allowing the water to carry me like a twig. In that moment, nothing existed except the water and the shrieks of joy that erupted from within me.

    The joy that had eluded me for the last week had been inadvertently tapped into by the power of play.

    Sometimes even the most disciplined spiritual practice is not enough to provide the shift we need, and that’s where play becomes an important part of our lives.

    We need only look at a young child playing in mud or a puppy fetching a stick to recognize the power of play. It is a healing practice that returns us to our innocence and brings us into the present moment; no chanting required.

    As children we relished the power of playfulness and saw life as one big game to participate in. We threw our whole selves into tumbling down grassy hillsides or playing tag rather than spending time in our heads worrying and planning.

    As adults we often forget that play still needs to be part of our lives. No matter how old we are, it is possible to return to that place of pure joy that exists within us.

    It may require some extra effort on our part to make time for play, but it is worth it for the mental and physical benefits.

    Here are five simple ways to harness the power of play in your daily life and rekindle your joy:

    1. Get into the woods.

    The woods make a wonderful playground, and spending time in nature is hugely therapeutic. Stomp through piles of crisp fall leaves and throw them into the air like natural confetti. Climb a tree and re-ignite your child-like wonderment.

    If you really want to access your joy, play a game of “hide and go seek” among the trees with a friend. You will be surprised how much fun this game can be as an adult.

    2. Play ball.

    Play ball, any kind of ball! Whether a game of tennis, soccer, or shooting hoops, the mind-body connection required for ball sports is sure to relieve stress and shift negative thought patterns. Visit your local driving range to hit golf balls. Even if you’ve never golfed before, this can be super fun.

    3. Dance up a storm.

    One of my favorite ways to play is to put on music and dance around my house. Dance in your bedroom, in the kitchen, or in the backyard, with or without other people around. In fact, dancing alone like no one is watching provides a massive release of endorphins which is great for the mind, body and spirit.

    4. Host a game night.

    Next time your friends want to get together, why not host a game night instead of going to a bar or restaurant? Games like charades Pictionary or even the classic Twister bring out the playful side of even the most serious adults.

    5. Visit your local park.

    Visiting your local park is one of the simplest pathways to play. Swing on a swing, slide down a slide, and if there is a grassy hill that takes your interest, roll down it! Just because you are an adult doesn’t mean you have to give up your favorite childhood activities.

    —

    We can all harness the power of play to access the ever-present joy within us. Making time for play in our lives between work, relationships, and other commitments can relieve stress, transform negative thinking into spontaneous laughter, and may just be the greatest gift we ever give ourselves.

    Kids running image via Shutterstock

  • 8 Draining Habits to Let Go if You Want to Be Happy

    8 Draining Habits to Let Go if You Want to Be Happy

    “We first make our habits, then our habits make us.” ~John Dryden

    This may look good, sound good, and maybe even feel good at first, but it’s not serving you well in the end!

    I’d hear this thought in my head over and over and still not believe it. But it had persisted ever since I started questioning the status quo in my life. And I don’t mean a loud, in-your-face, obnoxious line of questioning, but rather, a gentle curious whisper that asks: Well, why does it have to be this way, if I may ask?

    Questioning the status quo is not a novelty in our modern society, but here’s the thing: I was questioning the good stuff, like great habits that I grew up with and ideals that are the foundation of my value system.

    In a sad way, the thought made sense. Every time I’d finish going through the motions of one of my “great habits,” I’d feel drained, in a funk, out of sorts, exhausted, but not in an accomplished kind of way.

    So I started adjusting my autopilot habits and I’m already feeling a shift toward serenity. I suppose this is the counter-intuitive inner work that makes self-discovery so much fun, right?

    So, ready to question some of your great habits too? Check to see if you fall in the trap of a great habit that may not be serving you.

    1. The habit of working hard at the exclusion of all else.

    For the first six years of my corporate job, I was a complete workaholic. Those first years were also the least rewarding, financially and emotionally, because I neglected the more essential aspects of building a career, such as creating relationships and building trust.

    Most of us are hard workers and we identify a sense of pride with it too. It’s how we were brought up; it’s what society expects and rewards.

    Just beware the trap of hard work, especially if you’re using it as a Band-Aid on something that hasn’t given you results, such as working even harder to get ahead at work or to please someone in a relationship.

    What to do instead: Pause long enough to examine the big picture and the situation at hand, and question your current approach. Is more work going really to give you the results you need?

    2. The habit of taking care of everyone and everything else first.

    I watched my mom make a lot of sacrifices for us over the years, but even as a kid I could see that a lot of them were at the expense of her own livelihood. I noticed that this made her bitter. While everyone around her was grateful, she did not need to go that far. She could be self-nurturing and caring to the rest of her family.

    You may be a loving mother (or father or sibling), caring and giving, but to a fault.

    You take care of everyone and everything else—even the laundry and the dishes!—before taking care of yourself. Sometimes at the expense of it. You’re sacrificing your own well-being because you don’t want to seem selfish.

    What to do instead: Know that sacrifice does not earn the respect or gratitude of others. Being a good role model does. Take care of yourself so you’re strong and healthy for the important people in your life. It’s not selfish. It’s self-nurturing, it’s necessary, and you’re allowed.

    3. The habit of listening to everyone’s problems without boundaries.

    As an immigrant to the US, I was so hungry for making friends that I was over the moon if someone confided in me.

    This habit grew into a habit of listening without any boundaries, and so I became the place my friends deposited all their problems. When I saw that it wasn’t helping them and it was wearing me down, I had to draw the line.

    Listening is a gift, and if a friend needs to be heard, if a parent needs to voice concerns, if a spouse needs to vent about work, if a co-worker needs to complain, who better than a great listener?

    Just watch out because being the bank where everyone deposits their complaints, outrage, sorrow, and pity can have its negative consequences and take its toll on you.

    What to do instead: Listen enough to hear the initial problem, then gently move the conversation toward finding solutions, being optimistic, and focusing on the positive. If they still need a professional therapist, remember: it’s not your job to be one!

    4. The habit of responding to every call to attention—email, phone, text—right away.

    It’s wonderful to be responsive. I love responsive people, and I do my absolute best to get back to people. But this constant distraction can ruin your focus, disrupt your routine, and cause problems when running a business.

    What to do instead: Be more stingy with your time and set aside dedicated slots to respond to texts, emails, and phone calls. Unless it’s an emergency, it can wait. Because this one’s deeply ingrained, train yourself little by little to master this one.

    5. The habit of offering your expertise, products, or services free or cheap to friends and family.

    My sister-in-law is a doctor and her generosity toward my family’s health questions knows no end. Sometimes, I feel that we abuse her medical expertise.

    Whatever side of the situation you may be on—giving or receiving the deed—going too far can have an adverse short- or long-term effect on the relationship.

    What to do instead: Set clear boundaries; give and ask for respect in this regard. It’s totally fine if you don’t want to offer your services or products at a discount or free just because people are related to you. It makes you a professional, that’s all.

    6. The habit of getting straight A’s in every class in your life.

    Ah, the A student dilemma! Every culture and society praises the A student and frowns on the C student. As a straight-A student my entire life, I can clearly see that it robbed so much happiness and fun out of my life.

    If I could go back, I’d settle for B- and more fresh air and yoga, thank you!

    What to do instead: Decide first if you even want to go to university or graduate school. Then define your own measure of success and stick to it. Learning and applying the knowledge is way more important than the final grade from your teacher so focus on that.

    7. The habit of doing everything for your kids or students or elderly parents.

    My mom has an aunt who still cooks and cleans for her thirty-five-year-old daughter, who’s a perfectly capable woman.

    Do you do everything for others instead of showing them how to do it? Sometimes people need help, but if you condition them to having you do it all the time, they never become self-sufficient. You do them and yourself a disservice.

    What to do instead: Before doing the next task for the person you’re helping, ask them if they’d like to learn how to do it. Start teaching and showing more and doing less.

    8. The habit of pleasing others at the expense of your own dreams and desires.

    The hardest part of quitting my job and starting my business was that I was going against my parents’ wishes for me. It was hard but absolutely and positively the only right path for me.

    We are conditioned to say “yes” to please our family and loved ones. This can be detrimental to your happiness if you happen to want something else.

    What to do instead: Be true to yourself. You can still be kind and gentle toward others, but you get one life, and your dreams and desires are your business, and they deserve your best shot.

    —

    Your turn now: Do any of these great habits make you pause and think? What other good habits have you found to get in the way of happy living?