Tiny Buddha

Category: happiness & fun

  • 10 Things Happy People Do to Stay Happy

    10 Things Happy People Do to Stay Happy

    “Here’s a little song I wrote. You might want to sing it note for note. Don’t worry, be happy.” ~Bobby McFerrin 

    I was one of those people that when asked what they want in life, would say, “I just want to be happy…”

    In my past, I suffered from debilitating depression. There was a period when getting the dry-cleaning and buying toilet paper was difficult enough.

    So, I made it my mission to study what happy people do to stay happy, then I started doing what they were doing. And my happiness increased until I became one of those people I used to be envious of.

    Here’s a list I use now on a daily basis as a reminder to increase my happiness:

    1. Give yourself permission.

    Permission to be who you are; permission to laugh big, to cry when you need to, to fail brilliantly, to make stuff; permission to fall apart, breakdown, and get back up again; permission to be different and unique; permission to go too far and reach your dreams.

    2. Don’t take yourself so seriously.

    Hold yourself with a “light hand.” Laugh at your foibles with amusement.

    When things get tough or stress arises, lift your shoulders with an “oh well…” Know that it’s never as big or life devastating as your mind thinks.

    Happy people trust that whatever glitch happens will work itself out.

    They give a “Ha! Ha!” and a “So what? Who cares? Big Deal! Why not?” when met with resistances.

    3. Don’t self-ruminate.

    I remember a friend of mine from Mississippi saying, “Lynn, when are you gonna’ stop starin’ at your own belly button…?” (Insert: Southern drawl.)

    I learned happy people don’t fixate on themselves and their problems. They don’t over-analyze the issue du jour.

    When they start to get stuck on a problem or in their head, they put their attention on something else.

    I remind myself to not have to have it all figured out: Get outside. Go back to your work. Plan something fun.

    4. Don’t compare.

    Comparison has been compared to a little death. When we compare ourselves to others, we harm ourselves.

    Happy people know that they’re no better or less than another person. Someone will always be at a “more evolved place” and someone will always be “less-evolved.”

    Note to self: Be concerned with only how to do your best and that’s all.

    5. Make adjustments.

    When something isn’t going your way, when your mood dips, or when you feel “off,” stay curious and self-aware. Fine-tune the energy in your body by making adjustments.

    If you eat something that makes you feel poor, why eat it? Pay attention if that glass of wine the night before makes you feel crappy in the morning or that slice of pizza made you bloated or that ice cream caused you to crash, losing your focus and energy.

    When you’re feeling stuck or heavy, take a walk, do something different than your normal routine, meet up with a friend.

    If feeling anxious or stressed, tune-up with extra sleep, meditation/yoga or a hot bath…

    6. Be of service and know how to take care of yourself.

    Happy people want to give back. They have plenty to share. They volunteer, take time out to help a friend, offer to connect people to others for their betterment, and aren’t in need of getting anything back.

    Commit to service but also stay aware of how to take care of yourself. When your energy gets depleted, remember to not give away to the point that you lose focus on your own emotional/mental/physical/spiritual health.

    Have loving boundaries to care for yourself so that you have more to give.

    7. Choose uplifting friendships.

    When we have friendships and conversations that are uplifting, supportive, and loving, with people interested in our betterment, we are on a faster track to our own enlightenment.

    If you hang out with someone and don’t feel great afterward, see less of that person and seek out other friendships.

    Know which friends increase your happiness and nurture those relationships.

    8. Be less interested in being happy and more interested in your peace of mind.

    I used to think happiness was about being totally ecstatic. In order to balance out my feelings of hopelessness and depression, it seemed natural that my goal would be to be maximally blissed.

    But with all the highs there’s a low—we eventually come down from it.

    Remember not to get attached to the highs and focus more on experiencing peaceful aliveness.

    When your life is at peace, there’s a relaxed balance; and the chances of sustained happiness and contentment increases.

    9. Use your senses.

    As they say, the ordinary is extraordinary.

    Happy people receive pleasure from enjoying the simple joys in life, and usually they’re connected to our senses. This subtle awareness creates significant moments of happiness.

    I discovered the pleasures I receive in the:

    • Warmth of a teacup in my hands on a cold winter day
    • Taste of a square of dark chocolate melting on my tongue
    • Dance music in my cycle class that wakes me up
    • Smile of a stranger on the street
    • Aroma of my favorite essential oil and when people say, “You smell so good!”

    Continue to mark pleasant sense experiences in your mind and carry them throughout your day to increase your spirits.

    10. Don’t make your intimate relationships the end-all-be-all.

    I used to think the person I was in a relationship with was there to give me my happiness rather than increase it.

    Happy people understand that those they are in relationship with are an “addition to,” not a completion of them. They live full lives so that at the end of the day they have so much more to share.

    A loving reminder: Don’t rely on your partner to shift your moods, heal you, or fill your empty spaces. And remember it’s not your responsibility to do that for your partner either.

    Support is an important part of relationship. We’re there on the bad days with compassion and a loving embrace. We’re there on the good days to cheer them on.

    But mostly, we rely on ourselves to give that to ourselves. We trust that our partners can wrestle with their own demons. We offer space for them to discover their own happiness, while we focus on creating our own.

    What might you put your focus on to continue to increase your own happiness?

  • 5 Questions That Will Help You Focus On What Matters

    5 Questions That Will Help You Focus On What Matters

    Focus on What Matters

    “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” ~Mary Oliver

    Let’s get things done.

    If you’ve ever read any books or articles about productivity, you’ve heard this phrase. It’s one I used and made a part of my life for a long time. More recently, I’ve discovered there’s a better and more disciplined way to work and to live.

    It’s called essentialism, and it means getting more of the right things done.

    According to Greg McKeown, author of Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less, an essentialist removes the trivial and focuses on what adds value.

    They make smart decisions about how to spend their time, energy, and resources because they understand this is the best way of contributing more to the people in their lives, to their families, and to society.

    I’ve discovered five important questions that are helping me make progress toward getting more of the right things done.

    And I want to share them with you.

    1. Is this activity adding value to my life?

    Since I was a child, I played and loved video games. When I was in my mid-twenties, I even reviewed them for a popular entertainment website. The website didn’t pay me, but I didn’t care. I enjoyed gaming, and I was able to keep the games after I wrote my reviews.

    After a year or two of this, I felt a shift in how I approached games. Instead of looking forward to playing the next AAA title or blockbuster release, I began to dread the tedious missions, the walkthroughs, and inevitable write-ups.

    To my great shame, I wrote negative reviews of games I’d only played for an hour or two before selling them.

    One morning, after staying up late gaming the night before, I woke up and realized I was wasting my time and energy on something I didn’t enjoy. I emailed my editor and told him I was done. Then, I sold my games and gave my console to my son.

    I’m not making a case against gaming; instead, I share this story as an example of how we value our time differently as we grow older.

    2. How am I going to fill my glass?

    Consider your entire day a glass:

    You can fill this glass first with important activities, or big rocks, such as spending time with family or working on projects you’re passionate about. Then, you can fill the glass with non-essential activities like answering email or watching television—these are like grains of sand, and they will settle around the big rocks in your day.

    However, if you fill your glass with non-essential activities first, there will be no room left for the big rocks in your day.

    Every night, before I go to bed, I ask myself what I want to fill my glass with?

    My answer is almost always the same: to write.

    Unless I act, these grains of sand will fill my day and leave no room for writing. However, if I make a conscious decision to write, these grains of sand settle around the big rocks in my day.

    I’m not going to lie and say I fit writing into every day, but when I do I feel lighter. And if I write first thing—even if it’s just a journal entry—I don’t have the inevitable moment when I sit on the couch after an exhausting and demanding day and think, “Oh no, I still have to write.”

    If you’re not a writer, you still have big rocks in your life. They could be spending time with a loved one, meditating, or exercising. Your grains of sand could be commitments you’ve made to others that aren’t adding value to your life or passive activities like watching the news or reading social media feeds.

    Decide on your big rocks before you got to bed, and you will wake up and fill your day with what matters.

    3. What clutter can I eliminate?

    Two years ago, I lost a dream job. I was unemployed for six months, and spent a lot of this free time figuring out what matters most to me and reading about minimalism.

    It felt like something I could get into, and when you’re unemployed, you need something to get into.

    Minimalism is another name for essentialism, and the quickest way to get started is to eliminate material goods you don’t use, need, love, or depend on.

    I sold my laptop because I prefer writing using my desktop computer. I donated every book to charity that I promised myself I’d read but had no intention of doing so.

    I got rid of every item of clothing that I hadn’t worn during the past twelve months. And, I deleted almost all of the unwatched films and TV shows on my hard-drive and cancelled subscriptions to various online services.

    Did I do this because I had free time on my hands?

    Perhaps.

    Later on, when I found a job, I thought of buying a new laptop and replacing the clothes I’d given away. But I found I didn’t miss any of these things.

    Eliminating clutter gave me more space, more time, and more room for the big rocks in my life.

    If you want to eliminate some of the clutter in your life, McKeown offers this advice:

    “If I didn’t already own this, how much would I spend to buy it?”

    4. How do I protect myself?

    To be an essentialist is to protect your physical, mental, and spiritual health. Each of these three areas represents one side of a triangle, and if one is under stress, the other two will suffer.

    Here’s how I protect myself:

    To look after my mental health, I expose myself to new ideas through challenging books and record ten ideas every day based on these books. This practice keeps my brain active.

    To look after my physical health, I run up to twenty miles a week. This practice helps me work through stressful problems, and it gives me more energy for other areas of my life.

    To look after my spiritual health, I try to meditate for an hour a week, and I write regular journal entries about what I’m struggling with and things I feel grateful for.

    I find this practice exceptionally difficult, but taking a step back from the trenches of the working week helps me quiet my monkey mind. It helps me sleep better at night. And then I can return to whatever I’m doing with a renewed vigor.

    5. How often do I disconnect?

    Several years ago, I went on vacation to a campsite in Italy. There was no immediately available Internet access at the campsite, and I wasn’t able to check my phone and my feeds or read the news whenever I wanted.

    On the first day of this trip, I felt disconnected and behind. My hands kept reaching for the email app on my phone even though I knew I didn’t have access to the Internet.

    After a day or two this habit died, and I began to enjoy these disconnected few days away from home. I took one lesson home from this holiday.

    Being constantly connected kills my opportunity to escape, to enjoy a vacation, to spend time with the people I’m with and even to focus on my work.

    It’s been a while since I’ve gone a week without email, but I’ve removed the email app from my phone and only check it at predefined periods during the day. I’ve also disabled as many notifications as possible on the devices that I use. And I regularly work without being connected to the Internet.

    If you take regular time out to take care of yourself, you will be better able to focus on what matters

    Live Your Wild and Precious Life

    An essentialist avoids spending their time on tasks they can say no to, on people they should say no to, and on compromises that aren’t worth making.

    They are committed working on what inspires them, on what they’re talented at, and pursuing their contributions to the world.

    I’m still working on becoming an essentialist and eliminating the trivial from my life. It’s a difficult practice and one I fall way from often, but the five questions I’ve shared with you help.

    I know now that anyone can choose to live their wild and precious life the way they want.

    We just have to decide what matters.

  • How To Let Go Of Self-Doubt and Find Long-Lasting Happiness

    How To Let Go Of Self-Doubt and Find Long-Lasting Happiness

    Man and the Sunrise

    “It’s never too late, or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit.  Start whenever you want. You can change or stay the same.”  ~F. Scott Fitzgerald

    Have you ever let your doubts get in the way of feeling happy?

    I have.

    I left my soul-sucking corporate job to live my dream, teaching yoga in Thailand.

    I was the happiest woman on earth—or was I?

    It looked that way from the outside. But each time I opened my mouth to teach a class, I was mired in self-doubt. Why wasn’t I charismatic, funny, or charming?

    I stumbled over my words. I wanted to be as chatty and charming as the retreat center owner, but I’m naturally quiet and thoughtful, more of an introvert. I secretly wished I could morph myself into a sparkling extrovert.

    Have you ever felt like you had to be more like someone else in order to be successful? As if your own natural voice wasn’t good enough? That’s how I felt.

    And I wondered if I’d made a gigantic mistake in pursuing my passion for teaching yoga.

    My wise Indian teacher noticed and asked me why I worried. He told me to stop comparing myself to others and focus instead on what gifts I had to offer.  

    It was hard. I still harbored doubts. But as I faced my doubts, the clouds cleared from my mind and allowed the sun to shine.

    I was empowered to teach from my heart, with compassion and honesty. And I strongly connected with the students.

    Ten years later, I continue to practice and teach, and I live each day energized, happier, and fulfilled.

    I’ve managed to keep my doubts at bay and achieve lasting happiness by following a collection of simple methods.

    Your Cheat Sheet To Finding Enduring Happiness

    1. Downsize your doubts.

    Many of your doubts are irrational fears that you must expose for what they are. You can do so by breathing deeply and then carefully reconsidering.

    Doubts can trigger your stress response, putting you into fight-or-flight mode. You’ll feel anxious and panicky, and your anxiety can stop you from following your deeper intuitions.

    When you stop and breathe deeply, you put yourself back into rest-and-digest mode. You allow yourself to discern what’s real from what’s imagined.

    For years I’ve thought of offering a teacher training course, but I’ve been stopped cold in my tracks by my fears. Am I a good enough teacher? Do I have the skills?

    Then I stop, I take a few breaths, and I think, “I’ve been practicing and teaching yoga for more than fifteen years, and taken multiple trips to India to study with the masters. I’m qualified.”

    I’m still scared, but if I listen to my doubts I’ll never take a step closer to this dream. So I take a few breaths, accepting and acknowledging my fears without letting them derail my initiative.

    With practice, you’ll develop a deep-breathing habit that dispels irrational doubts. Just stop. Inhale. Exhale. And repeat three times.

     2. Stop trying to make everyone else happy.

    Do you feel personally responsible for other people’s happiness? If you do, when things don’t go well, their frown will add to your self-doubt. Lighten up your load, and don’t automatically assume that you need to make them smile.

    I remember someone who looked for wrong in everything I did. She was deeply unhappy, and I was the target for her internal strife.

    I tried to make her happy and I inadvertently took responsibility for her happiness. When I finally accepted that her unhappiness wasn’t up to me, I quit wasting my energy and questioning my self-worth. And that was a relief.

    Want to feel happier and more confident? Let go of your need to be a people pleaser. Take responsibility for your own inner world, and quit trying to control everyone else’s.

    3. Kill your inner critic.

    Imagine fingernails scraping a chalkboard.

    Cringe.

    That’s what happens in your brain when you criticize yourself.

    When you criticize, your mind develops a negative thinking pattern. You should reflect on your actions, but you shouldn’t criticize yourself. Inner-harshness is a bad habit that can be changed with practice.

    Try this exercise to break your habit. Make a few lists: times you’ve shown compassion or kindness to someone, another of your positive attributes and skills, and a third of instances when you’ve coped with a difficult challenge. Keep the lists close at hand.

    Next, try to notice your self-critical thoughts. Take a deep breath in, then release the breath slowly. This breath draws your attention away from the criticism. Then think about an item from your list.

    It may seem unlikely that simply recalling positive things will change your thinking. But it will, because over time your brain will rewire itself. Self-doubt and criticism are replaced with patience and understanding.

    When I see photos of my younger self, I recall how critical I used to be about my looks. Ten years later, I see small lines developing around my eyes. Rather than criticizing these signs of aging, I embrace them. My forty-year-old self is happier and hopefully wiser than my thirty-year-old self.

    Work on breaking your habit of criticizing. Over time, you’ll cast away your doubts and cultivate a serene inner space.

    4. Meditate to replace self-doubt with self-compassion. 

    Meditation makes you happier and boosts your self-confidence.

    With practice, you begin to notice your mind’s patterns of self-limiting thoughts, and you can let them pass without believing them.

    I found that practicing loving-kindness meditation was a powerful tool for releasing self-doubt and criticism. The first line of this type of meditation elicits sentiments of compassion and kindness for ourselves. (Note: I’m tweaking the language slightly from the standard meditation)

    “I am filled with loving-kindness. I am well, peaceful and at ease, happy and free of suffering.”

    I used to have many crazy thoughts: “You’ll never find a partner,” or “You’ll never make a living as a yoga teacher, because who’d want to learn from you?” Using this meditation, over time I was able to notice and mostly let go of the doubts and fears.

    The importance is to build the sentiments, not on the specific language. Feel free to tweak this as you see fit.

    5. Celebrate success.

    Our minds are sneaky. When you envy someone’s success, your deep feeling is, “They’ve achieved this, but I can’t.” You’ve limited yourself and created more doubts. The inherent thought is that you don’t have enough.

    Envy keeps you stuck in a self-doubting cycle. Remember that the amount of success or happiness in this world is limitless. And you have what it takes too.

    Change your jealousy to genuine joy for others, and lift your self-imposed limits. You’ll feel energized and inspired—ready to channel your energy into achieving your own goals and dreams. Then take one step toward that goal. Even a tiny one.

    6. Move your body every day.

    Daily exercise keeps your mind and body healthy. The increased blood flow nourishes your body and brain. You’ll feel stronger and happier from the inside out.

    I’ve seen hundreds of people start yoga and gradually develop self-confidence. They start to do things they thought were impossible.

    I’m one of those people. A daily practice of yoga, where I progressively try new things, has helped me to see my pattern of self-doubts and gradually let go.

    Feel clear and confident with a little daily movement—yoga, walking, or dancing. Choose something that you love, and do it a little each day. Develop inner strength, and cast away your doubts.

    Start today.

    7.  Nurture your passions and strengths.

    You’ll feel alive and confident when you do what you love.

    When you’re passionate and absorbed in your task, you can easily release your doubts.

    For brief moments you’ve felt it — when you forget about censoring yourself and let yourself flow.

    8. Accept and love your shadows.

    To let go of self-doubt, you must accept all aspects of your self—including your pride and your shadows. No one is perfect.

    In order to let go of your doubts, you must learn to be grateful for your limitations and challenges. We all carry baggage; it’s a part of being human.

    Starting from a place of acceptance rather than shame will make all your efforts easier.

    Most people don’t know that I can be short tempered and critical of my loved ones. I’m not always a perfectly zen yoga teacher. But I accept these parts of myself. Instead of fighting them, I work on noticing when I’m impatient or overly critical and gently try to remind myself to be more accepting.

    Remember that we are all human. And we all have our messy sides.

    9. Embrace your own authentic voice.

    For me this was the hardest step, because being authentic means letting your guard down. You let others see your true self, and if you harbor doubts (like I did), this is terrifying.

    Looking back, I see that I was afraid to let people see the real me. It was safer to adopt a way of being that I knew was liked—a charming, chatty persona (that wasn’t me). I was petrified, but when I was able to drop my mask, my words flowed like sweet honey.

    Embrace your own voice and never try to masquerade as someone else.

    Unleash your sassy, sarcastic, or comedic inner child, if that’s the real you. But there’s nothing wrong with being thoughtful, observant, and careful with words either.

    It didn’t happen overnight, but as I practiced breathing, changing my thoughts, and being kind to myself, slowly my inner voice got stronger. I started to feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable and authentic.

    You can do it too.

    The Key To Long-Lasting Happiness

    You know what would be horrible? Looking back in twenty years and thinking, “Why did I waste so much time doubting rather than doing and connecting?”

    Don’t read this post and think, “Oh, that was good advice.” And then open Facebook and read about your friend’s lunch.

    Don’t keep yourself locked in a prison of illusionary self-doubt.

    Your actions start in your mind with your thoughts. And just because we can’t see your thoughts doesn’t mean they aren’t crucial to your health and happiness.

    Lock your doubts away and don’t let them out. You’ve got work to do.

    Connect with those around you. It’s your key to unlocking long-lasting happiness.

    You have unique gifts to share with the world, and only this lifetime to do so.

    Man and the sunrise image via Shutterstock

  • Stop Living on Autopilot: 5 Ways to Live an Amazing Life

    Stop Living on Autopilot: 5 Ways to Live an Amazing Life

    “I am not a product of my circumstances. I am a product of my decisions.” ~ Stephen Covey

    I used to be a zombie.

    I don’t mean that I died and was brought back to life; I mean I used to live on autopilot. Diligently doing the right thing.

    Following one opportunity to the next, onward and upward.

    Until I found myself boxed into a cubicle, earning a six-figure income while my soul slowly died.

    I didn’t even realize it. I just thought this was what people did.

    Everyone around me was the same. They weren’t happy, but like me, they stayed because of the money and conditions. I didn’t grasp it at the time, but we were all taking the easy path. We were all bottling up our dreams, too scared to change.

    We were all selling ourselves short and living our lives on autopilot.

    Many of my previous colleagues still do. But not me.

    For years, I’d ached to do something different. I envied those who made a living by helping others. But I thought that life hadn’t chosen me, that it wasn’t my path.

    I didn’t comprehend that I was choosing my path every day. I didn’t realize that by not making a conscious choice to do something better, to be something better, I was following a path to unhappiness.

    Every day you choose how you live your life, whether you’re conscious of it or not. And choosing to live an amazing life doesn’t have to be complicated.

    Today I live more consciously. I’ve chosen a new path, and I’m working doggedly toward it.

    I’m not there yet, but my life is already more amazing. I’m living out some of my dreams while working toward others.

    I make choices that align with my values and goals, and I don’t settle for second best.

    I’ve discovered five simple ways to make life more amazing.

    1. Focus on connection, not perfection.

    You have a lot of pressure on you to be perfect.

    You try to live a perfectly healthy life, or be the perfect parent, the perfect employee, or the perfect partner.

    I used to get up at 5:30 every morning so I could exercise, meditate, tidy up, and get to work early. I pushed aside quality time with my family so I could do it all.

    All of that takes time and effort, and it doesn’t make you happier. It makes your life less enjoyable, and less amazing because it robs you of time you could have spent with the people you love.

    I now sleep in a little, and I wake up when my kids climb into bed for a cuddle.

    Life is more amazing when you focus less on perfection and more on connections. People and relationships bring us happiness and enrich our lives.

    Stop listening to the little voice of should. The one that says you should be exercising or working more when you’re already putting in a good effort.

    You need to spend time with your favorite people because time is limited, and relationships are the most important thing in the world.

     2. Live by your values.

    Do you ever feel like something is not quite right, but you can’t put your finger on what it is?

    Maybe you’ve been for a job interview, and it seems good, but something is off. Or you’ve met someone new, and they seem nice, but something isn’t right. Something you can’t articulate.

    Most of the time, that feeling is a flag that something is not in line with your values.

    If you sit down and list your core values and then list the values of the person or thing that doesn’t seem to fit, you’ll see a mismatch.

    That not quite right feeling is a signal that something needs to change. It’s a signal I didn’t listen to for a long time, and it led to problems.

    When I took my high-paying job, I did so because the organization focused on helping people, and that’s what I wanted to do, too.

    Over time, I realized that the way they helped people was not in line with my values. Writing and implementing policy did not satisfy me.

    I want to write directly to people so I can inspire and motivate them.

    I value connections with people, but the organization valued structure and governance. Had I realized this mismatch sooner, and acted on it, I would have been happier.

    Living by your values gets you into flow. Everything becomes easier from there.

     3. Let fear be your motivator.

    Some years ago, I read an article written by a senior executive retiring from a large organization.

    He wrote something like, “I’ve worked hard here for over forty years. I’ve put in long hours and sacrificed time from my friends and family. And you know what? It wasn’t worth it.”

    How sad. He’d lived his life on autopilot, and it was too late to change.

    I keep his story in mind whenever I’m tempted to take the easy option. I question my motivation.

    Am I slipping into autopilot, or is it what I want? If what I want is difficult and scary, what is the cost of not being courageous?

    Let the fear of not trying, the fear of regret, and the fear of wasting your life be your motivator.

     4. Don’t believe in signs.

    Do you ever ask yourself if something is a sign from the universe?

    Here is the cold hard truth about signs from the universe: They don’t exist. The universe doesn’t send you signs.

    When someone thinks there’s a sign that supports or discourages a certain path, it’s just meaning that they’ve added to a situation or event.

    And you only wonder if it’s a sign when you’re already in self-doubt.

    If you go to the grocery store to buy chicken for dinner, and they’re out of chicken, you don’t wonder if it’s a sign from the universe that you should give up eating.

    You just change your plans and make something else for dinner. You stick with your goals and keep going.

    If Edison had listened to signs, he would have given up years before, and we’d all be sitting here in the dark.

    His teachers said he was “too stupid to learn anything.” He was fired from his first two jobs because of his lack of productivity.

    His first 1,000 attempts at inventing the light bulb failed. One thousand!

    His interpretation of the situation? The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps.

    Keep working toward your dreams. Even if they take 1,000 steps.

     5. Keep visiting the dream room.

    Walt Disney used to have a series of rooms to help him and his team brainstorm their best ideas.

    The first one was the Dream Room, where all ideas were possible, and no evaluation took place. Pure fantasy was encouraged, no matter how fantastic or absurd.

    The second room was the Realist Room, where Walt and his team planned how to put the ideas into place.

    Lastly, there was the Critic Room. This is where they’d look for problems and openly criticize. They’d think of what could go wrong, how they could prevent problems, and what the project might cost.

    Walt’s system encouraged people to dream, but also to plan so they could achieve their wildest fantasy.

    Can I be painfully honest with you? The I’m-shocked-anyone-would-say-that kind of honesty. The brutal truth. No holds barred (brace yourself).

    Your problem is that you’re stuck in the Critic Room.

    You get the flicker of a good idea, but before you can flesh it out and establish how it might work, you’ve shot it down in flames. It’s too hard, or too expensive, or too difficult. Or just too scary.

    You jump straight into criticizing things you haven’t had the opportunity to plan. So you don’t dare to dream.

    You feel the fear before you’ve started entertaining the reality of what might be.

    You let all the criticisms you’ve ever heard in your life gang up on you and whisper, “You’re not good enough,” in your ear.

    Here’s The Real Truth

    The truth is that you’re just as good as anyone else.

    You’re just as good as anyone who is living the dream life you wish was yours.

    The only difference is determination. Because having an amazing life starts with dreaming up the life you want.

    But that’s only the beginning. People who create an amazing life work to achieve it.

    You can’t just sit around waiting for your dreams to happen. You must strive toward them. You must have determination.

    So the real truth is that you have a choice.

    You can choose to live an amazing life. Or you can choose to be a zombie, take the easy path, and sit there on autopilot. Which one will you choose?

  • When You’re Restless Because Every Day Feels the Same

    When You’re Restless Because Every Day Feels the Same

    Bored Man

    “To know yourself as the Being underneath the thinker, the stillness underneath the mental noise, the love and joy underneath the pain, is freedom, salvation, enlightenment.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    Years ago I found my self at a low point. It wasn’t a big, life-changing event that got me there; just a sudden realization that life sucked. Every day of that horrible summer, this question nagged at me: “Is this as good as it gets?”

    My sons were very young then and always happy, a joy to be around. My marriage was healthy and my husband was doing great. The problem was me—my pain body had attached itself to this feeling of “Is this all there is?”

    I spent many hours on my couch trying not to look like I was in this funk in front of my boys so they wouldn’t feel any negativity.

    I plodded along with everyday things, such as driving them to friends’ houses and joining my friends for lunch, but I lived with this underlying resentment that was consuming me, swallowing me up like a dark cloud.

    It felt like I had reached a point in life where I knew it all (of course, I hadn’t even scratched the surface), and I’d figured everything out, and now what? 

    I would get up every morning and go through my routine, part of which involved making my bed.

    When I was feeling this way and I was lost in my own perception of things, I would look at our bed as I put it together and have a sense of ugh! Here I am, making this bed again to have the same predictable day only to get into it again tonight and start all over tomorrow.

    WHAT’S IT ALL FOR?  

    This question nagged at me as I made sure the pillows lined up and ran my hands over the duvet to smooth it to non-wrinkled perfection. Yuk! What did it matter? Why did I care? Was this it? Would I just stay on my little path with these little details until I die?

    I couldn’t find my way back to happiness. I was stuck. Thankfully, the Universe and my free will started to show me another side.

    A friend opened my eyes to a different perspective and I started to re-think all of my negative thoughts. She helped me see everything around me with new eyes instead of taking it all for granted.

    I felt an opening of my soul and realized that there was so much more than I had previously allowed into my life. Just the fact that I was open to receive this better, more positive way of viewing my life made me happier.

    Within weeks I started gardening and got lost in the outdoors and the smell of the Earth.

    I was emerging as a more enlightened soul, lighter, taking on the day and feeling excited to do simple things—things that I had not considered doing for a long time, such as hiking and just sitting in the grass for hours.

    As part of my morning routine, I started meditating in my yard, then doing yoga in the glorious sun. My whole perception of my life turned around and I reveled in each day, so happy to be here in this beautiful place, having this amazing experience.

    Filled with love for my family, myself, and just about everyone and everything, I had transformed. And just like that, I left behind that persistent question, “What’s it all for?”

    Now I knew what it all was for—to experience love, to give it, to receive it, to relate to the Universe and others as part of the sum of everything imaginable.

    My life situation hadn’t changed; I hadn’t moved away or started a new career. I didn’t seek therapy or join any club. I simply changed my perception about my life. I saw things with new eyes and realized how closed off I had become.

    I have never again allowed myself to go to that dark place, as I am still high on life, with all of its simple pleasures and splendor. I walk around this beautiful lake every morning and marvel at nature and how perfect it is. I find ten miracles before breakfast, and I am living a life of joy. 

    I make my bed every morning, and I always make sure to run my hand over the duvet to make it smooth. I line up the pillows and spend a minute so it looks neat. I think about the day and how amazing it is that I can create whatever I choose.

    With a feeling of being blessed, I have deep gratitude for everything in my life. And then I think, “Wow, I’m about to have a great day and then end up back here back in my bed with my husband! How awesome is that?”

    Recognize that your thoughts represent just one possible way to perceive your circumstances. Write down all the great things in your life and decide to throw away any negative, self-limiting thoughts.

    It’s your choice how you see your life, so see it as a beautiful gift and take on each day with love in your heart and a smile on your face.

    Bored man image via Shutterstock

  • 7 Lessons to Learn If You Want to Thrive in Life

    7 Lessons to Learn If You Want to Thrive in Life

    Strong, Confident Woman

    “Embrace each challenge in your life as an opportunity for self-transformation.” ~Bernie S. Siegel

    I’d been having mild pain for about a week—a consistent, dull ache in the center of my chest.

    I’m thirty-nine years old with no personal history of heart disease, or of anything else for that matter. Worry hadn’t yet consumed me, but I was keeping an eye on the pain to see if it got better or worse.

    Once a week I drive ninety Los Angeles miles round trip for work. I say “Los Angeles” miles because I should theoretically be able to make the journey there and back in just over two hours, but it can take up to five, since I spend almost the entire commute on the perpetually traffic-ensnarled 405 freeway.

    It was during this commute that the pain began to feel more intense. I thought my left hand felt tingly. My mind, always a little bit anxious when driving in LA, ratcheted up the worry ten-fold.

    I envisioned having a full-on heart attack while driving in rush hour traffic. I made a mental laundry list of the ensuing consequences, such as passing out and losing control of the car or what would happen to all of my debt if I died. Whose lives would be irrevocably changed for the worse?

    I managed to calm myself down enough to make it home, but once there my dutiful and pragmatic husband suggested a trip to the Emergency Room. I was in no shape to argue, and truthfully was grateful that he echoed my own escalating concern.

    During my visit to the ER and the subsequent overnight hospital stay, I had lots of opportunities to overreact and feel sorry for myself. I’m sure I did quite a bit of both. But I also saw it as an opportunity to remember and to practice some of the hard-won lessons I’ve learned over the years.

    1. The most important things in life are worth waiting for.

    It’s no surprise that the name for someone receiving medical care is the same as the word for tolerating delays without becoming annoyed or anxious.

    The ER was so busy the intake nurse joked that they must be running a special she didn’t know about. After taking my vitals and determining that I was not having a heart attack at that very moment, I was sent to the lobby where I waited for over five hours to be seen.

    I almost talked myself into leaving several times, convinced that if I really was experiencing something serious they would have seen me right away. But I have a family history of heart disease, and the pain wasn’t going away, so I opted to stay.

    It turns out that I (thankfully) don’t have a heart problem, but that was not for me to determine.

    In our modern age of instant gratification, exercising patience can be a real challenge, especially because we’ve become accustomed to getting what we want right away. But there’s a reason why people often say the most important things in life are worth waiting for—they are. Particularly when your well-being is at stake.

    2. A little kindness can go a long way.

    “Be nice to others and they will be nice to you” doesn’t always pan out, but when you’re in a busy hospital with doctors and nurses who are stretched to their limits and beyond, a little kindness goes a long way. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be firm when necessary, but remember the person you’re talking to is a human being.

    Be respectful. In most cases, you’ll find that respect is reciprocated. Everyone has feelings, and most people are doing the best they can with the tools and resources they have.

    3. What works for others may not work for you.

    If learned nothing else from this incident, it is that nitroglycerin is not my friend. Yes, nitro is a life-saving wonder drug that opens blood vessels so blood can continue to flow through damaged heart tissue. But if you are prone to migraine headaches as I am, taking a nitro tablet as a precaution is just plain awful.

    Nitroglycerin did nothing for my chest pain, but it did give me an instant, crushing headache that lingered for three days. If nitro is going to save my life, I will certainly take it. But if I’m taking it as a precaution, I will think twice in the future.

    There is no one-size-fits-all solution to every problem. Sometimes knowing what doesn’t work is just as important as knowing what does. It can literally save you a headache or two down the line.

    4. Happiness is being grateful for the small things.

    I was finally admitted to a room at 2AM, with a roommate restlessly snoring in the next bed.

    I felt dehydrated and a little nauseated from taking a cocktail of meds on an empty stomach. All I could think about was how much better I would feel if I could just eat a cracker, so I asked the nurse who brought me to my room if she could possibly bring me one.

    A few moments later she returned with not one, but eight crackers—and two cups of apple juice! I almost cried with relief and gratitude. I think I thanked her four times, which she seemed to appreciate.

    I also asked if she might have any earplugs, when I noticed a small box on the bedside table. It not only contained earplugs, but also a face mask, a book of crossword puzzles, a pencil, and—what felt like the best thing in the whole world—ChapStick! I actually squealed “OOO, CHAPSTICK!” out loud with delight.

    I gave a silent “thank you!” to the genius that thought to include ChapStick in that box while I slathered the stuff on my lips and downed the crackers and juice. I popped in the earplugs and fell asleep with lubricated lips and a stomach that was no longer doing gymnastics.

    It’s the small things, people. Finding joy in the seemingly insignificant moments and the small gifts is how to find happiness every day, even in the most trying circumstances. I think the choice to be happy is one of the most transformational decisions a person can ever make.

    5. Laughter is the best medicine.

    I did not sleep well that night. The earplugs didn’t really help to cancel out the various noises coming from my roommate, including the spa piano music she was playing to help her sleep.

    But as I lay there listening to her snore, she suddenly blurted out in a thick Polish accent, “Wrong chef!” She then mumbled something under her breath and continued the buzz saw serenade. I laughed out loud, wondering what she could possibly be dreaming about.

    Amusing things happen every day. Don’t get so caught up in the serious moments that you can’t have a laugh or two. Studies show laughter actually improves health, and will most certainly lighten your mood.

    6. We could all use a little compassion.

    While it could have been easy to be seriously annoyed by my roommate, I chose instead to practice compassion. Yes, she was an obstacle preventing me from getting rest. But she was also in the hospital because she wasn’t feeling well.

    Couldn’t we all use a little extra compassion from others when we aren’t feeling our best? Letting go of my irritation not only allowed her to continue doing whatever it was she felt she needed to do in order to feel better, it actually made me feel better.

    One night of poor sleep isn’t a big deal in the grand scheme of things. Being compassionate is.

    7. Now is the time to prepare.

    There really is no feeling worse than knowing you are woefully underprepared for serious circumstances.

    This isn’t to say you should be constantly worrying about the future, but having the courage to face the inevitable consequence of life (which is, of course, death), can mitigate much of that worry. I don’t want my loved ones to be left in the lurch with my passing.

    It’s finally time to admit that I’m a grown-up and I need to act like one, which means obtaining life insurance so my family doesn’t find themselves saddled with financial responsibility they aren’t prepared to handle when I’m gone.

    —

    Sometimes it takes big, scary moments to remind us that the quality of our lives is not determined by what happens to us, but by how we react to those experiences.

    Why wait until you’re confronted with a serious situation to adopt one or more of these behaviors? Not only will it make your daily life richer and more meaningful, but it’ll also give you the tools you need to survive and thrive when life takes an unexpected turn.

    Strong, confident woman image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Proven Ways to Create a Happy, Fulfilling Life

    5 Proven Ways to Create a Happy, Fulfilling Life

    Happiness

    “It is not in the pursuit of happiness that we find fulfillment, it is in the happiness of pursuit.” ~Denis Waitley

    Happiness.

    You want it. You seek it. You wonder about it.

    You’re constantly reminded that you are living in one of the greatest times ever.

    Violence is lower than ever before in human history.

    The quality of life we experience in Western countries is higher than it’s ever been.

    And you’re bombarded with advice, tips, and tricks on how to construct your diet for optimal physical health, with minimal time and effort.

    However, you can’t help but wonder: Are any of these things actually contributing to your experience of personal happiness? Or are they just making the world run faster?

    As an avid student of happiness, I struggled with this as well. In my research, I’ve discovered five timeless principles that lead to a happy life.

    How many of the following statements are true for you?

    1. You have a clear definition of happiness.

    You would never pursue a career goal that was as subjective as just more growth, nor would you want your child to grow up to be just a good citizen. So why would you have a personal goal of simply being happier?

    Happier can mean so many things to so many people.

    We all know what happiness feels like, but do you know what specifically contributes to your happiness? You must clarify what happiness truly looks like for you.

    For example, my friends are often surprised that I don’t want anybody to give me presents.

    I simply do not enjoy owning objects. They decrease my happiness, not add to it. The more you own, the more things you have to manage. I would rather spend time meeting friends for a coffee than fixing my broken smartwatch.

    Of course, when I get gifts, I do not express negativity; I accept them with gratitude, but I definitely do not encourage them.

    How about you?

    Do you prefer to be doing physical exercise rather than indoor activities?

    Do you prefer to spend time doing group activities rather than solo activities?

    You are a unique individual, unlike all others. What are your preferences?

    Clarity here can change your life.

     2. You regard happiness as a choice.

    Many people believe that happiness is predetermined—that we are born with a happiness set point that never changes, and that no matter what we do, have, think, become, or create, we cannot affect our inherent levels of happiness.

    But those who understand that happiness is a choice see that this simply is not true.

    Two experiments were conducted to see the effect that simply “trying to be happier” has on our happiness.

    In one of the experiments, two groups of people were given happy music to listen to, and one of the groups were instructed to make it their intention to feel happier.

    Even though both groups were listening to positive music, the group who made a concerted effort to emotionally benefit from the music experienced significantly increased positive moods afterward.

    As the researcher stated:

    “[Our] results suggest that without trying, individuals may not experience higher positive changes in their well-being… thus, practitioners and individuals interested in happiness interventions might consider the motivational mindset as an important facet of improving well-being.”

     3. You practice happiness as a skill.

    Building on the previous point, we not only must decide that happiness is a goal we will focus on, but we must also regard it as a skill to master.

    I can’t fathom how anyone wouldn’t pursue a mastery of happiness.

    We spend our whole lives practicing and learning a wide variety of things, completely disregarding the most important aspect of life, our own well-being.

    Instead of reading the newspaper or latest celebrity news and becoming an expert on people who you don’t know, why not read a book on philosophy, psychology, or personal development?

    Instead of watching TV and becoming an expert on sitcoms and talk shows, why not watch an interview online about how to pursue your passions, deal with stress, or develop inner peace with meditation?

    If you are going to spend your time developing a skill set in something, why not develop the skill of happiness?

     4. You welcome unhappiness.

    Of course, we must address the inevitable cycles of life: we all go through times of distress, sadness, and confusion, and they’re valuable parts of our journey.

    For us to even have the experience of happiness, we must know what unhappiness feels like, just as we would never know what the warmth of the sun feels like unless we had experienced the winter chills.

    Let tough times be. Acknowledge them. Feel them. Put no timeframe on remorse, disappointment, or sadness.

    Know that tough times are a required part of the cycle, and when you come back stronger, wiser, and more determined, you’ll be happier than ever.

     5. You choose to create happiness now as opposed to making it a future goal.

    While making an effort to be happier in the present (which works, as noted in number two above), you must ensure you’re not obsessed with happiness and making it your future goal (which does not work).

    Why does making happiness a future goal reduce our happiness?

    The reason is simple: happiness is an emotional state. Therefore, it varies and fluctuates with time, as do all emotions.

    Also, an obsession with happiness can prevent us from going out in the world and helping others, spending time with family and friends, and enjoying our present surroundings.

    There was a time when I was unemployed, my health was suffering, and I had lost touch with close friends.

    What saddened me more than these life events, however, was my internal dialogue. I consistently thought, “This is not what life is meant to be like” and hoped the future would be brighter.

    I came to realize that it was my mental commentary on how unhappy I was that made me so unhappy.

    As I let go of my mental image of “how life should be,” I gained clarity regarding my situation, and I started to appreciate what I still had.

    I then decided to spend more time outdoors in nature, give to charity (where possible), and spend more time with family and friends.

    I realized that I was so obsessed with pursuing happiness in the future that I was completely oblivious to how I could live happily in the present, irrespective of personal circumstances.

    As I began to think more clearly, with less negative self-talk, I was able to act with more confidence and eventually turn my situation around, while living with more peace and happiness.

    True happiness comes from practicing habits that increase our positive emotions and fulfillment in the here and now, pursuing meaningful activities today, and never worrying about “auditing” ourselves for the attainment of a specific happiness-goal in the future.

    Moving Forward

    When we know what happiness means to us individually, we’re able to better ourselves so we can, in turn, inspire others to pursue their own journey. This also gives us the energy to better the world we live in, and allows us to enjoy this gift we’ve been given called life.

    So spend today focusing your thoughts and efforts toward worthy goals. Become wiser as each day goes past, give kindly to others, and know that happiness is your right and your path, but not your future goal. Happiness is available to us all now.

    Happiness image via Shutterstock

  • Interview and Book Giveaway: 10 Habits of Truly Optimistic People

    Interview and Book Giveaway: 10 Habits of Truly Optimistic People

    Smiley

    Update: The winners for this giveaway are:

    I have a confession to make—I sometimes cringe when someone tells me to “just be positive.” I’ve often assumed this really means, “Your sadness is making me uncomfortable, so please stop talking about it.”

    To be fair, I wouldn’t classify myself as a negative person—not now, anyways—though I have my moments. I do, however, feel for anyone who might be classified that way, as I know from experience that deep negativity often comes from deep pain.

    We all face our own battles in life, some more overwhelming than others. And sometimes it seems nearly impossible to nurture a positive attitude.

    But it is possible. And sometimes, it’s the only thing that keeps us going when it seems unlikely we’ll find our way through the darkness.

    Optimism is a powerful thing. When you’re optimistic, you don’t deny that you’re going through a hard time. You don’t suppress your feelings or pretend you’re happy. You simply believe that something good could come from your struggles—even if you can’t yet fathom what that might be.

    You believe that life is happening for you, not to you, and that you’re not a victim but rather someone with immense potential to overcome your odds and thrive.

    Because you believe, you’re able to keep moving forward—learning, growing, and making the best of your circumstances—when it would be easier to give up.

    I’m always inspired to read stories from people who’ve found silver linings in tragedy because it reminds me that we have immense power to shape our lives through our perceptions and responses. This is what brought me to Dave Mezzapelle’s new book 10 Habits of Truly Optimistic People.

    Dave’s on a mission to get people to “power their lives with the positive.”

    In this follow-up to his bestselling book Contagious Optimism, he’s collected more than 100 stories from amazingly resilient individuals, and compiled them into 10 chapters based on—you guessed it—the habits of optimistic people.

    I’m grateful that Dave took the time to answer some questions about himself and his book, and that he’s provided two copies for Tiny Buddha readers.

    10 Habits of Truly Optimistic PeopleThe Giveaway

    To enter to win one of two free copies of 10 Habits of Truly Optimistic People:

    • Leave a comment below.
    • For an extra entry, tweet: Enter the @tinybuddha giveaway to win a free copy of 10 Habits of Truly Optimistic People http://bit.ly/1DEk1RR

    You can enter until midnight PST on Wednesday, April 8th.  Two winners will be chosen at random on April 9th.

    The Interview

    1. Tell us a little bit about yourself and what inspired you to create this series.

    I have always been a positive, upbeat person and very optimistic. And, I always made it a point to find the bright side of a problem, which I found made it easier to surmount. In addition, I have always loved people’s stories.

    Over the course of the past twenty years, my alma mater, Fairfield University in Connecticut, had suggested that I write a book on optimism in business. This was based on the way I ran my company for seventeen years.

    I didn’t have an interest in writing something like this until 2010. I literally woke up one day and said, “I will do it. But let’s not just make it about me. Let’s make it about lots of people. And let’s not just make it about business. Instead, let’s make it about many of life’s themes including business.”

     2. What have you learned about the benefits of optimism?

    After spending years collecting silver lining stories from around the globe, one of the most powerful facts I learned is that being a positive, optimistic person not only allows people to achieve greatness, but it has numerous mental and physical benefits as well.

    From a biological standpoint, we benefit from the release of neurotransmitters such as serotonin, oxytocin, and dopamine when we are happy, positive, and optimistic.

    Mentally, we find ourselves in a good place that makes everything else seem easier (or at least less difficult for those that are going through tough times).

    People have nothing to lose from being positive versus the stress they definitely gain from being negative. Don’t run away from obstacles and adversity but be positive in your ability to address and surmount them.

    And when we are feeling good about ourselves and optimistic about our future, we tend to look better as well. Our skin tone, our posture, and our confidence all shine. And, even our physique improves when we combine optimism with a workout or exercise schedule.

    3. The book features more than 100 true stories from people who’ve learned the power of optimism. I’m sure you found all of them inspiring in different ways, but is there one that really stuck with you—and why?

    They all have affected me. In addition to the 100 stories you referenced in this book, we have thousands in our essay bank for future volumes. It has been nothing shy of awesome being able to read these stories and learn about these people.

    What sticks with me is not one particular story but the fact that everyone has a silver lining story to share. However, I will share an amazing story about Yvette Pegues.

    Yvette was an employee of IBM in their global patent office. She traveled the world and knew many languages. She also has two young boys and a terrific husband.

    One day Yvette had terrible headaches and was rushed to the hospital to find that she had a genetic brain malformation. They performed emergency surgery, which caused a brain stem stroke that left her in a wheelchair for life.

    Instead of letting this bring her down, she was a first responder to the earthquake in Haiti (the same year of her stroke—2010). She also competed in and won Miss Wheelchair Georgia and, in 2014, Miss Wheelchair USA where I was the keynote speaker.

    Today, Yvette has devoted her life to helping children worldwide improve their literacy skills.

    4. In one of your previous interviews, you talked about the steps you believe people should follow to help them embrace optimism when facing hurdles, with the acronym “GSM.” Can you tell us more about those three steps?

    GSM stands for Gratitude, Stories, and Magnet.

    Gratitude—you need to be grateful for even the smallest things in life. This can be something simple like the sunrise, a glass of water, your pet, or the smell of the ocean. Simple gratitude makes everything feel special, big or small.

    Stories—When people are going through tough times, they tend to think that they’re alone. However, when they hear or read stories of how others have persevered, it gives them hope. And, hope is that important foundation of optimism.

    Magnet—“Optimism is a happiness magnet.” ~Mary Lou Retton. I love this quote. You want to surround yourself with good, uplifting people. Their happiness and positive attitude is certainly contagious. It brings you up and adds light to your day.

    But, conversely, sometimes it’s difficult to avoid the negative people, the naysayers, and the cynics. Unfortunately, their negativity is contagious as well. They may be in your office, your classroom, or your apartment.

    In those cases, just ignore their chatter and simply tolerate them. It doesn’t mean you need to absorb their energy. Don’t take their negative opinions to heart and don’t let them influence you.

    5. Conventional wisdom about becoming more positive suggests we should avoid “negative people,” but in my experience, “negative people” often need our love and support the most. Have you learned anything that can help us find a middle ground so that we’re minimizing the negative effects of spending time with pessimists, but not just writing them off so that we may actually be able to help them?

    Yes. We never suggest ignoring or isolating pessimists. We just assert that what others do or say is a reflection of their own reality, so don’t take it personally and don’t let it bring you down.

    Some people are just naturally pessimistic and it is not our job to change them but at least being a ray of sunshine around them can bring them light without allowing their nature to pull us down.

    I believe that true success in everything comes from combining effort, reality, and positive thinking. Optimism alone will keep you in the clouds. And oftentimes reality alone will prevent you from getting passed first base.

    However, when you combine all three, things happen in a big way! And this is based on our extensive experience of interviewing people and capturing their silver lining stories.

    6. What do you believe is the biggest obstacle to optimism, and what’s one thing we can do to overcome it?

    Outside influences are the #1 obstacle. This can be a negative friend, family member, coworker or boss, or even the media. An outside influence can reduce or eliminate optimism.

    The best way to overcome it is to make it a point to minimize your exposure to the naysayers and cynics. In addition to watching or reading the news, try to follow positive stories and positive programming as well.

    Look in the mirror and remember that what others do or say is a reflection of their own self, not a reflection of you.

    Don Miguel Ruiz, in his book The Four Agreements, asserts, “Don’t take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”

    Conversely, appreciating those around you that appreciate who you are and what you stand for is tantamount for your own optimism and for making it contagious for others.

    7. Of the ten habits shared in the book, which do you think is the most difficult to form, and what’s one simple practice anyone can use to begin cultivating it today?

    Everyone is different so this is a difficult question. For example, some people struggle with embracing change (chapter one).

    Others have a difficult time appreciating those around them (chapter two).

    And, I have also noticed that many people do not believe in themselves and the value they possess (chapter five).

    So, in my opinion, the one simple practice is to take a deep breath and concentrate on the fact that others have had it so much worse and have made it through. And, the best way to prove that to yourself is to either read books like Contagious Optimism and Chicken Soup For the Soul and/or connect with others that have been in the same boat.

    It is very powerful to learn about the patience, persistence, and perseverance of others.

    8. What’s the main message that you hope readers take from this book?

    We all have stories. What you think may be boring or uneventful is actually inspirational and motivational to others around the globe. So, considering sharing your stories and remember, we are all naturally mentors just by the sheer impression of our footsteps.

    You can learn more about 10 Habits of Truly Optimistic People here.

    FTC Disclosure: I receive complimentary books for reviews and interviews on tinybuddha.com, but I am not compensated for writing or obligated to write anything specific. I am an Amazon affiliate, meaning I earn a percentage of all books purchased through the links I provide on this site. 

    Smiley face image via Shutterstock

  • How to End the Persistent Feeling of Emptiness

    How to End the Persistent Feeling of Emptiness

    Man on a Mountain

    “Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.” ~Buddha

    Admit it…

    Emptiness has taken over.

    You think back to those exciting days when you had so much energy. You remember that burning feeling of raw energy deep down in your stomach. That shiver of excitement running through your body. When life was just alive with positive emotions running wild. It was incredible.

    And you can’t help but think…

    Where has it gone? How did I lose it? Will it ever come back?

    You think if you keep moving, everything will work out for the best, right?

    Yet, regardless of the steps you take, everyone else seems to be happy while you’re left behind with a feeling of soul-wrenching emptiness.

    It just feels so stagnant; you feel like you’re becoming stale and boring.

    No matter what you do, nothing seems to change that nagging voice in your head that constantly wonders, “Is there really a way out?”

    The solution is a lot easier than you think.

    Life-Changing Realization

    You know those moments when everything becomes clear and a feeling of relief flows through your body?

    My realization came after a terrible numbness just after graduating from university. I made the decision that success was more important than life itself, so fun was out of the question and I devoted all my time to work.

    I immersed myself in that deadly day-to-day grind with no excitement in my life. It was easier to let an emotionless state of utter numbness take over than to take a risk and be adventurous.

    It’s scary how quickly such numbness can take over if you let it, and how deep you can fall down the rabbit hole without even realizing it.

    Has this happened to you?

    It wasn’t until six months after graduation that I finally broke the monotony and decided to attend a social gathering with some university friends.

    That one moment sparked a fire I had lost. That was the moment of clarity and realization.

    I realized that life had turned into a boring rhythm of wake up, eat, work, eat, and sleep. I was expecting to become happy and successful from following this process, but while doing so, I forgot how to be happy.

    How can you create something beautiful or inspiring to the world if your life is boring and numb?

    It reminded me of a simple but powerful quote by Albert Einstein:

    “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

    This kick started my realization that life is more and that you can beat your emptiness. You can beat that numb grind, and you can keep your spark for life going too.

    Attending the party opened my eyes to the painful insanity I had bestowed on myself—an insanity I want you to avoid too.

    5 Unconventional Ways to Fill Your Emptiness

    1. Start small; do something different.

    Think back to the last time you went on vacation and traveled to a new location. Remember the feelings you had and the excitement of a new place? Your body was alert, and your mind was running wild with curiosity.

    Remember the time you took a forced detour on your journey home? It was a bit frustrating but also slightly exciting, right?

    There are many ways to replicate this type of novelty in your everyday life. For example, you can take your work to another part of your office, house, or library.

    The most important thing is to stand up right now and do something small but different. On your route home from work, take a little detour. Just experience the excitement.

     2. Go crazy.

    The big kick for me was letting loose and having fun at a friend’s Christmas party. Despite the slight headache the next day, all of my prior numbness disappeared as a result of my interactions.

    I’m talking about interactions where you just let go and truly experience the moment. Where you talk to friends, laugh, and live.

    So dance, sing, and have fun.

    Just remember one rule—think back to the event after a month, and if you don’t have a massive grin on your face, you did not go crazy enough.

     3. Get your heart pumping.

    Any exercise is a great way to kick-start your day. A treasure trove of science and research proves the physical and mental benefits. But, exercise only filled my emptiness when I switched from gentle long-distance runs to intense sprinting sessions.

    I used to run seven kilometers a day at a gentle pace, but it only aided the numbness. I was hoping it would instantly give me a burst to get me going again, but it did nothing.

    Think back to the last time you ran over two kilometers where you got into that gentle rhythm and it felt like you could run forever. Now think about the last time you ran at full speed; imagine that feeling you had when your heart was pumping.

    Sprinting or doing any high-intensity exercise produces loads of endorphins, also known as the happiness and motivational hormone, but normal running doesn’t. That gave my numbness a massive hit and supercharged my energy.

    So head down to your local park, sprint for a bit, and then stop and feel your body. Feel the burning inside you, and ask yourself, “Am I ready to live again?”

    4. Sleep right.

    We all know that sleep is important, but we usually focus on making sure we get enough. One of the biggest causes of my personal numbness and lack of energy was getting too much sleep.

    Oversleeping can cause depression and not sleeping enough gives us no energy to live. I used to oversleep massively, getting nine hours a night (seven hours extra every week). I didn’t want to get up because I didn’t want to work, which caused me to feel unhappy and unmotivated to get up. Yup, a deadly cycle.

    If you are also guilty of oversleeping, force yourself to get up earlier tomorrow. Set your alarm and put it on the other side of the room. Then when you get up, go straight to the shower. Over time, you will naturally find the best sleeping pattern for you.

    5. Work from the inside out.

    Let’s finish off with the most important solution. You have to complete this to allow yourself to enjoy the other steps. It’s time for you to let go and fill your emptiness with love and joy.

    I discovered that ten minutes of meditation a day aligns my focus and allows me to instantly feel happier and let go of my problems.

    For those of you familiar with meditation, think about the calming feeling it provides and the feeling in your gut as you breathe deeply. Then use this technique to provide clarity right now.

    —

    If you’re ready to end that persistent feeling of emptiness, fill it with your love for yourself, and get out there and have fun.

    Close your eyes right now and take a deep breath. Imagine what your life would be like if you followed each of these five steps. Imagine the feeling of happiness, excitement, and curiosity flowing through your veins. Imagine the pure feeling of delight.

    There is no point living in emptiness, so let go of that feeling of numbness and truly enjoy what life has to offer you.

    Man on a mountain image via Shutterstock

  • You Have Value (and You Can Be Happy) Regardless of Your Relationship Status

    You Have Value (and You Can Be Happy) Regardless of Your Relationship Status

    Smiling Woman

    “You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire Universe deserve your love and affection.” ~Buddha

    Relationships give us the opportunity to learn about ourselves though identifying with another. I’ll be the first one to admit that some of my relationships didn’t end on ideal terms. I’ve managed to stay in touch with a few partners over the years, but for the most part, they’ve fallen to the wayside.

    Here’s how most of them played out: The initial phase was intoxicating, I was completely enamored with the other person, and likewise, they made me feel like the object of their attention. As a result, I felt an overwhelming sense of joy, wholeness, and love.

    Eventually, the passion faded and the relationship began to decline, leading to a break-up. Now, instead of feeling joy and wholeness, it felt more like despair and emptiness.

    Sound familiar?

    We’re taught early on, through various forms of conditioning, that we are only valuable when an external source recognizes it, whether it’s a spouse, parent, or a boss. Dean Martin even sings, “You’re nobody ‘til somebody loves you. You’re nobody ‘til somebody cares.”

    Could this paradigm possibly be accurate? After all, if an icon like Dean Martin is singing about it, there must be some kernel of truth to it, right?

    I definitely felt better about myself when I was “coupled up,” but did that justify feeling devoid of love when the relationship ran its course?

    It wasn’t until I cultivated love for myself that I recognized my immense value, regardless of my relationship status. This happened through a regular spiritual practice and reflective meditation. From that space, I also recognized a few fundamental truths that helped me foster self-love.

    1. Extreme self-care means doing what strengthens your mind, body, and spirit.

    The best way to show yourself love it to practice self-care. The exact details differ from person to person, but they all share a common thread—they nurture your inner being.

    Maybe that means taking an extra hour to pamper yourself or setting aside time to focus on fitness. The expectations from friends and family will still be there, but it’s your responsibility to do what makes you feel recharged and lifted before tending to others.

    2. Your most important commitment is to honor yourself and your needs.

    On the journey toward personal fulfillment, you first need to make a commitment to address your needs. That doesn’t mean neglect your financial or social obligations, but it should be a reminder that your dreams and ambitions are a priority. After all, if you don’t stand up for your aspirations, who will?

    It helps if you make this commitment crystal clear by saying it out loud, sharing it with a friend, or writing it down. I find it beneficial to write personal mantras and commitments on my mirror so that I’m reminded of them every time I look at my refection.

    3. Your emotional well-being does not depend on any external circumstance.

    At any given moment, I have the ability to choose a positive emotional state. I can’t control the way other people act toward me, but I can reframe my belief system to better align with my own self-image. For example, just because someone lashes out or says something hurtful, that doesn’t mean it’s a reflection of me.

    Each of us is responsible for our own feelings, and it is our job to rescue ourselves from the pit of despair when we fall in.

    4. Making peace with your past paves the way for a rewarding future.

    You’d be hard pressed to meet anyone who doesn’t have a few demons in their closet. We all accumulate baggage throughout the course of our lives, but you don’t need to carry it from one place to the next. It simply weighs you down and prevents you from reaching your highest self.

    Learn to make peace with your past so that you can receive the present with an open heart.

    Forgiveness and acceptance go hand-in-hand with self-love. One of the ways I’ve learned to forgive past hurts is by not taking it personally.

    The second principle in Don Miguel Ruiz’s acclaimed book The Four Agreements says it best: “Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of other, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”

    5. Speak and treat yourself with kindness.

    Listening to your internal dialogue can be a good way to gauge your level of self-love. Are your thoughts predominantly negative or self-condemning? If they are, your first priority should be to change the way you speak to yourself.

    Adopting a set of positive affirmations can transform negative internal dialogue into a more supportive channel of communication with yourself. Some of my favorite affirmations are:

    • All is well in my world and I encounter love, abundance, and appreciation in every moment.
    • I accept others just as they are because I accept myself just as I am.
    • I radiate compassion and love and as a result I receive an endless flow of it back.

    6. Trust your intuition; it will guide the way.

    You intuition is one of the best tools at your disposal, and fortunately, you can never leave home without it! Listen to what your intuition tells you about taking care of yourself. After all, you deserve your love and affection.

    —

    Self-love is a regular practice that starts with acceptance. Take the time to align with your inner self and appreciate your strength. Only then can you open up to receiving and giving love to others unconditionally.

    If you can be love and accept yourself, you’ll be happy regardless of who chooses to enter or exit your life.

    Smiling woman image via Shutterstock

  • How to Let Go of Expectations and Pursue What You Really Want

    How to Let Go of Expectations and Pursue What You Really Want

    “There are two ways to be happy: improve your reality, or lower your expectations.” ~Jodi Picoult

    I grew up with a lot of expectations—from other people in my life and from myself. I had to finish school, do my best, finish college, get married, have children, and be a success in everything I did.

    My family was supportive; however, they never really pushed me to get active. I had to push myself, and I pushed hard.

    I finished high school, then college with an associate’s degree, then my counseling license, and then my bachelor’s. I got married and had a daughter. But I wasn’t happy.

    I didn’t really want to get married. I wanted to be independent and live on my own, and I wasn’t sure that this person was “the one.”

    I was attempting to follow the expectations I’d set for myself.

    My oldest sister is the wisest person I know, and she knew that this wasn’t right for me. Still, I was always stubborn, so despite others telling me not to do it, I got married anyway.

    I wanted to be a success, and being a success meant living up to my own expectations.

    I was supposed to be married at twenty-three, whether I wanted that or not.

    I couldn’t get a divorce because I would have had to admit that I was a failure. My expectations were stopping me from actually living life.

    I wondered if I could really complain. He was a good husband and father. One would think this would be enough to stay in a marriage even if I didn’t want to get married to begin with.

    One day I realized that I needed to be happy, and decided to drop the belief that I’d be a failure if I got a divorce. So that’s what I did.

    I’ve learned that some relationships are like milk. They go beyond the expiration date, and eventually they turn sour.

    Sometimes my old self wants to be mad and guilt me for “giving up,” but the new me says, “You’re courageous to stand up and do something that’s scary.”

    To do that, I needed to get in touch with what I really wanted and not worry about what others thought about me.

    If you’re also living a life you don’t love because you think that’s what you should be doing:

    Be true to yourself.

    Put yourself first because you cannot care for anyone else unless you care about yourself. Don’t worry about what others expect of you; think about what you really want for yourself. Letting go of expectations (self-imposed and from others) will set you free.

    Be honest with yourself about what’s possible for you.

    You can do more than you think. I was honest with myself that I could own a house without a spouse. I had a vision of my future and I didn’t need to stay in a situation I did not want.

    Set goals you can accomplish.

    Someone with unrealistic expectations will set a nearly impossible goal and give up before they start because of doubt. Set realistic goals, based on what you really want, that you believe you can obtain.

    I knew I wanted to complete my bachelor’s degree but gave myself a year break after completing my counseling license. If I pushed myself for a goal I was not ready for, I could have given up before I even started. Based on my time and resources, I knew I would set myself up for success if I didn’t rush.

    Learn to celebrate every tiny victory.

    Be proud of your small daily accomplishments rather than getting self-worth from big accomplishments only.

    For example, I needed to give myself credit for saving up money for my own house instead of waiting until I closed on a house to commend myself. Giving yourself credit as you go will help you stay motivated to keep working hard toward your goal.

    Ask for help.

    Don’t try to do everything on your own; you’ll get burnt out. Even if I know I can do it on my own, I ask for help. It’s a healthy balance between independence and depending on others. Asking for help also can get you outside of yourself so you can check where your expectations are.

    You have to have bad days to enjoy the good.

    Not every day will be a good one, but we wouldn’t know what a good day looks like unless we experienced bad ones too. When I have an exceptionally bad day, I tell myself, “Tomorrow can only be better!” When I have an exceptionally good day, I store it in my mind to remember later.

    —

    I believe most things are possible if you put your mind to it. Being honest with yourself about what you really want will allow you to make choices that can lead to a happy, rewarding life.

  • You Deserve to Be Happy Now, Not Just When You Reach Your Goal

    You Deserve to Be Happy Now, Not Just When You Reach Your Goal

    “We cannot achieve more in life than what we believe in our heart of hearts we deserve to have.” ~James R. Ball

    I was a binge eater. At night. Every night. No one would ever have guessed it because I was at a healthy weight. But I believed that my weight was too high a number, so I would try to fix it.

    Each morning I would start afresh and eat like a svelte, sexy mouse. I vowed that this time would be different. But each night, to fill the voids I didn’t know were there, I would eat. And eat. And eat.

    What helped me get off that hungry, helpless cycle? A dress.

    When I was swinging wildly between under and overeating I did not buy clothes. Why bother when I would be smaller in a couple of weeks? I would be better. No point wasting money on clothes that would be too big on my soon-to-be-lithe frame.

    Years went by and my body shape was still no different. I still had a wardrobe filled with ill-fitting and ill-feeling clothing. I was still no better.

    Hiding behind the seemingly practical idea of not wasting money was the belief that I was undeserving.

    I did not deserve to clothe a figure I deemed too large. I did not deserve to move my body in ways that felt good (unless it was going to tone and tighten). I did not deserve to eat high quality food. I did not deserve my own love. And I definitely did not deserve to be loved by another.

    After years of weight loss attempts and willing the binge eating to stop, I was tired of the struggle. I decided to stop focusing on the scale numbers and start focusing on learning to eat normally. To eat without the restriction, the rebellion, and the inevitable guilt. I wanted to be free.

    The desire to feel sane around food trumped my desire to be thin. I put the pursuit of skinniness on hold. I realized that meant my body might not shrink. That the numbers on the labels of clothes I fit in may never decrease again.

    My previous excuses for not buying clothes didn’t apply now. I would have to dress my figure as it was. So I went out and brought a dress that fit my current body.

    That small act gave me some proof that maybe I didn’t have to wait until I was skinny to have nice clothing. Maybe all those things I had been putting off, I could do right then, at that weight, at any weight!

    I slowly gathered more proof. That party I didn’t want to attend because I deduced from the guest list I might be the biggest one there—I went.

    The walks I enjoyed but put off because I didn’t see the point when it wasn’t going to burn off enough calories—I walked anyway.

    The perfect, but expensive foundation I wouldn’t buy until my cheeks lost some chub—I bought it.

    I was dieting (and falling off the wagon via whole loaves of bread) to lose weight. And I was trying to lose weight so I could be confident and happy and could do the things I enjoyed. By doing those things and creating those feelings in spite of my weight, I cut out the middle steps.

    I realized that, instead of going from diet to weight loss to happy, I could go straight to happy.

    I showed myself that feeling confident and beautiful was not a luxury afforded only to those with bodies deemed perfect by our society. I realized that I deserved to feel good. No conditions. No weight restrictions. And that set me free.

    Make your list.

    Where do you hold back on what you deserve? Make a list of all the things you have been putting off until you lose weight (or achieve another goal). What would you do differently once you reach your goal? How would you live your life? What kind of things does that future person do each day?

    Start small and take action.

    Look at your list and pick at least one thing to do today. To get momentum going, start with whatever is easiest and fastest to implement. Do it immediately.

    By doing something small and simple, you’ll begin expanding your beliefs of what is possible for you right now. Instead of just thinking you might be able to do those things, you’ll prove to yourself that you can do them, regardless of how close you are to your goal.

    Some of the items on your list may seem too difficult or impossible. Break them down into smaller steps.

    For example, if you are putting off swimming until you lose weight, maybe you could go sun hat shopping, or try on some swim suits, or walk barefoot on the beach and feel how lovely it is to have your feet in cool sand and salt water.

    This should be a list of things to make you feel good. If a step still feels too scary or hard, break it down further.

    Keep going.

    Keep your list handy. Whenever you have a “once I reach my goal” thought, add the action you are putting off to your list. Each day, pick another item from your list to carry out.

    Doing things to make you feel good now doesn’t mean you will never reach your body or life goals. It just means you don’t have postpone your joy. And in these short and unpredictable lives we live, joy is too important to wait for.

  • 10 Steps to Access Your Goodness and Change Your Life

    10 Steps to Access Your Goodness and Change Your Life

    Man with Arms Up

    “Goodness is the only investment that never fails.” ~Henry David Thoreau 

    A few years ago I found myself on the floor of my apartment with a bottle of Jack Daniel’s, feeling miserable.

    In fact, I had felt that way for a while. My four-year relationship had collapsed, work was losing its meaning, and I felt deeply misunderstood, unloved, and lonely. Money was tight; I was overweight, lethargic, and confused; and my future seemed blurry.

    But then, something changed.

    I decided to shift my perspective and see what my life would be like if I stopped beating myself up over “not being good enough” and accepted who I was.

    I made a decision that I am good and committed to testing this theory out. And it worked!

    Since years of self-rejection didn’t do much for me, I had nothing to lose. My decision to accept my own goodness transformed the way I saw and lived life. People were no longer threatening and challenges became opportunities.

    For example, when I didn’t get into the grad school of my choice, instead of thinking of myself as unworthy, I decided to view it as a sign that I was meant to do something slightly different. (Years later this proved to be true, and I am so glad that things did not pan out as expected.)

    I also moved away from victimization to acceptance. I focused on taking care of myself. Instead of beating myself up over missed deadlines or unachieved goals, I intentionally paid attention to all that I did achieve every day.

    I meditated and gave myself enough sleep, quality food, and exercise. I stopped watching a lot of TV and read more. I also expressed gratitude and shared company with people who enriched my life and reinforced my goodness.

    Since then, my life has transformed and happiness has prevailed. As a result, I have become a better partner, friend, and leader, and a more thoughtful human being.

    I also began wondering what the world would look like if we all had an opportunity to accept, embrace, and live out our own goodness. Can we all get there? The answer is a resounding yes! And here are some steps to do it.

    1. Choose goodness.

    Make a decision that you are fundamentally good, and commit to it. This sounds hard, especially if you spent most of your life feeing the opposite. Start by saying several times out loud “I am good.”

    The voice inside your head may disagree, but remember: the voice you hear is not you; the being that hears the voice is you. So, quiet the voice by asking, “Why not?” Then, play a movie of your life and see if you can find a single example of your goodness.

    Even if your emotions don’t agree, use your intellect and then practice this exercise daily. Your emotions will catch up. Just like with building muscles, it takes time, but this exercise does work.

    2. Understand goodness.

    Being fundamentally good does not mean we won’t make mistakes. I make plenty, all the time. Being good means that we deserve good things in life, and we deserve love. With self-love, anything is possible.

    If you have a hard time with this, think of your younger, innocent self. Does that being deserve love? Or, think about yourself through the lens of someone who loves you. Why would they love you so if you weren’t worthy?

    3. Practice, practice, practice.

    Deciding that you are good is hard, but acting on that awareness is even harder. Commit to practice your goodness every single day. Catch yourself when you think negatively about yourself. Make a plan to get yourself out of unhealthy relationships or break bad habits. Treat yourself well, and demand that others do the same.

    4. Develop rituals.

    Take the time to journal, meditate, read inspirational books, pray, paint, volunteer, recite poetry, or regularly engage in any activity that will remind you and reinforce your goodness.

     5. Set up reminders.

    Soon after I made my decision, I changed my license plates to read “I AM GOOD.” I knew I would see it at least twice a day and be reminded of my newfound truth. Even on those extraordinarily busy days when you miss your rituals, these small reminders will keep you on track.

     6. Talk to people.

    Tell people about the concept of fundamental goodness. They will reaffirm its truth, or you will change their life too. In either case, the right people will support you in your quest for goodness.

     7. Live boldly.

    Give generously, love unconditionally, laugh loudly, and communicate openly. Whatever you do, give it your all. Living in such a way will reinforce your goodness.

    The paradox is that you cannot really live fully unless you believe in your own goodness. If you don’t believe in your fundamental goodness, you will constantly question your decisions, your worthiness, the quality of your contribution, and other people too.

    You are also likely to live with a lot of anxiety, which will consume you from time to time.

    By actually doing more of giving, loving, laughing, communicating, and so on, you will be reinforcing your own goodness and growing your belief in it.

    8. Dream big and dare greatly.

    When we focus on our struggles, we lose sight of the truly important things in life. On the other hand, when we dream big and dare greatly, we have no choice but to trust our goodness as we find ways to achieve our dreams and take risks.

    Now, keep in mind that taking risks and daring greatly does not mean we pursue things that might gain us approval of others; it means we seek out those things that matter the most to us.

    A lot of traditionally successful people are miserable and full of self-loathing. On the other hand, a lot of obscure people are fully content and accomplished. Dreaming big means we dream our own dreams, not those imposed by the society, our family, or someone else.

    9. Stop questioning and get busy.

    I love asking a “why” question. But don’t ask a “why” that is harmful; ask a “why” that is helpful. Don’t ask, “Why would I be good?” Ask, “Why wouldn’t I be?” And if you can’t stop questioning, make a decision and move on. Stop revisiting it.

    We’ve been conditioned to doubt ourselves. Doubt something else, but not your goodness.

     10. Be mindful.

    People often ask “How are you?” without waiting for a reply. Regardless, I love responding: “I am good!” It’s not so much for their benefit as it is for my own. The more I repeat it, the more I believe in it.

    Additionally, how I respond to this question is a good indicator of how I feel that day. My response gives me a chance to catch myself. If I say, “I’m okay” or “Not too bad,” that’s a sign something isn’t quite right and I need to evaluate what’s really happening.

    That said, being fundamentally good and accepting this goodness does not mean that we sometimes won’t feel bad, get annoyed or angry, or even lash out. Just today, I got into an argument with a good friend. We each said some hurtful things and I feel bad about it, but that doesn’t change the fact that we are both good.

    —

    Once upon a time, a Native American elder was telling his grandson a story of two wolves that live in each one of us and wage a daily struggle for dominance in our lives.

    One wolf is filled with love, joy, hope, peace, gratitude, optimism, generosity, understanding, humility, kindness, truth, faith, and compassion. The other is a reflection of bitterness, envy, anger, sorrow, guilt, greed, arrogance, self-pity, inferiority, lies, ego, selfishness, and judgment.

    Their struggle is constant, their determination to win unwavering.

    “So, which wolf wins?” asked the grandson.

    The grandfather responded, “The one you feed.”

    We all have a choice to accept our own goodness and nurture it every day. We can all embrace the best within us and choose happiness over sadness. Which wolf will you feed today?

    Joyous man image via Shutterstock

  • Why Positive Thinking Didn’t Work for Me

    Why Positive Thinking Didn’t Work for Me

    Yoga

    “See the positive side, the potential, and make an effort.” ~Dalai Lama

    I was a perfectionist growing up, always trying to bang my flawed round-shaped self into a perfect square hole that couldn’t possibly contain me.

    In my early twenties, I decided to focus on personal development—a positive thing, I assumed.

    I figured if I worked on improving a little every day and nurturing a positive mindset, I’d feel a lot better about myself than I did when I got down on myself for my flaws. 

    I didn’t take into consideration that I might become a perfectionist about positivity.

    That I might catch negative thinking and feel guilty about it instead of letting it go and moving into a more positive space.

    That I might muster every piece of my will to avoid negative feelings and end up over-thinking them instead of simply feeling them and letting them pass.

    For most of my life, I’ve fought reality. I didn’t like the way people responded to me, so I tried to manipulate their perception. I didn’t like the world around me, so I tried to control it. I didn’t like the world within me, so I tried to escape it. (more…)

  • Finding Joy in Your Car and Kicking Road Rage to the Curb

    Finding Joy in Your Car and Kicking Road Rage to the Curb

    Road Rage

    “Sometimes it’s the smallest decisions that can change your life forever.” ~Keri Russell

    I’m a positive, happy kind of girl. I smile a lot and try to make people smile wherever I go.

    But I have a confession I have to make: I used to have crazy road rage. I turned into the spawn of Satan as soon as I got behind the wheel of my car. I can’t explain it. I don’t know why it happened. It just did.

    I didn’t go crazy and tailgate or rest on my horn or even flip the bird to other drivers. Nope, not like that. I yelled and screamed, mostly obscenities, and called other drivers horrible names. (Even spiritual, happy people drop *F* bombs from time to time—don’t judge.)

    I’m embarrassed to admit to this. I’m going to go out on a limb here, though, and assume that I wasn’t the only one in the world with this problem. I’m just one of the few that will confess to it. Nonetheless, I was one red light short of needing blood pressure medication.

    This was me: Get in the car. I’m in a hurry (as usual), quite possibly going to be late, again. I’m freaking out because the traffic is bad. I hit every red light, there are slow drivers in the fast lane, and “Ah man, is that a train?”

    I’m checking the dashboard clock like a maniac, thinking that it just may, in some magical way, stop ticking. It doesn’t, and I look at it every minute and thirty-five seconds.

    And this was my day, every day. Rush rush rush, check clock, late again, stress out, freak out, check clock. Everyone on the road is pissing me off and driving me absolutely crazy! Check clock again. Yup, I’m gonna be soooo late! F%#@!!

    In Comes Joy

    A few months ago I got in my car and discovered this little sticker on the floor on the passenger side that had fallen off of a project I was working on. It was a teeny-tiny sticker. Not quite an inch wide, a quarter of an inch high.

    It said one word: joy. Aw, how cute. My first instinct was to toss it. What am I going to do with it now anyway? The project is done.

    But for some reason, I couldn’t do it. Something inside me told me to do something with this little sticker. Anything! Just don’t toss it! I looked around the car. I could have placed it in the glove compartment for now. Maybe even put it in the cup holder (though I know how that would have ended).

    Boom! There it was. Practically right in front of my face. My nemesis: that darn clock. I was absolutely astonished that the size of the sticker was exactly the same size as my clock. I kid you not! Without much thought, I placed the joy sticker on the clock.

    And everything changed.

    I started my car and drove off. Within one minute I automatically looked at the sticker. At one point, this would have started the race to see how long it would take to feel so stressed I’d want a margarita to calm me down.

    But there was no time. Not this time. Not ever again. Only a powerful message: joy. And something wonderful happened. I giggled.

    And I felt it, slowly, leaving me. The evil that lurked inside of me that was once called road rage was slowly seeping out. This crazy, little, fun joy sticker was transforming me.

    I checked my clock seventy-eight more times during my drive only to see the word “joy.” The first sixteen times I continued to giggle. Now I just smile. Each and every time, I smile. I actually feel joy!

    It wasn’t until I did this that I realized some very important things.

    • Continually checking my clock while I’m driving to work or appointments is not going to ensure that I arrive on time.
    • It’s going to completely stress me out.
    • And it’s going to make me drive like a lunatic.

    The stress I was putting myself under while driving was ridiculous, senseless, and needless. I’ll get there when I get there and not a minute before! Period.

    And when I finally do get there, I’ll be happy and smiling and relaxed. Yes, yes I will.

    Your Turn (and Please Signal!)

    Sometimes the tiniest things can have the biggest impact. This sticker story is proof. Luckily for me, my sticker was the same size as my clock (though to this day, I’m still truly baffled by that).

    I’ve shared this story with many of my friends. They’ve tried this experiment and are amazed at the results.

    I know you can do this too. Use your imagination. Create your own. Stick it to the clock and have a happy day.

    Road rage image via Shutterstock

  • A Letter to a Kindergartener: 7 Lessons for a Life Well-Lived

    A Letter to a Kindergartener: 7 Lessons for a Life Well-Lived

    Happy Child

    “Great is the human who has not lost his childlike heart.” ~Mencius

    I have an amazing sister who is currently in kindergarten. I wrote her a letter summarizing everything I’d like her to know as she goes through life. It occurred to me that these lessons are things we could all stand to remember, so I’ve decided to share it here.

    Dear Natasha,

    Times are hectic now. It won’t be long until I leave home and move to a magical place we seniors call “college.”

    I have one semester left to learn from amazing teachers, one season left to wrestle and lift my heart out, and one chance left to live a high school life. It’s safe to say that I’m pretty sentimental right now.

    I’m about to leave the system that you’re just entering. By the time you read this letter, you will not know me as a grade school student. Before I miss this opportunity, I’m going to share with you some brotherly advice as a non-adult.

    1. Maintain a childlike imagination.

    When I was your age, I would make living room forts out of blankets and couches. I was an unsung hero fighting bad guys that didn’t exist. Imagination was my world, as it is for most of us as kids, but we naturally lose our imagination when we get older.

    Imagination is the key ingredient to creativity, innovation, and making dreams come true. With imagination, educators can develop more inspiring teaching methods. With imagination, physicists can come up with a world-changing theory. With imagination, authors can write classic novels. The world needs imaginative people. Even Einstein stressed imagination over knowledge.

    Schools tend to underemphasize creativity. Whatever you do—whether music, art, or poetry—find a creative outlet and don’t let go of it. Challenge reality. Change it. Create it. Write your story and share it with the world.

     2. Try new things.

    Every time you try something new, you broaden your horizons. At the age of five, that might mean eating something other than macaroni and cheese. However, as you grow up, you’ll have countless opportunities to try new things. Sports. Hangouts. Musical instruments. The list goes on.

    If you go out and experiment with many new experiences, I can promise that you will find something surprising that you’ll love. Even if you don’t like new experiences, trying new things will help you grow as a person.

    People naturally fear the unknown. That’s a silly fear if you ask me. Imagine a world without new experiences. Life would be drab and without risks. Exploring and discovering yourself is an exhilarating part of life, and I hope that you will grow up with many interests and passions.

    3. Write down your goals and dreams.

    Writing your goals will motivate you, focus your mind, keep you accountable, and arm you with purpose. Pick up a pen. Find something to write on. Tape it somewhere you visit every day. My hope is that, when looking at your written goals, you will recognize that you are in control.

    Goals are important because they help accomplish dreams, and dreams are important because they influence action. At the start of every big human accomplishment is a dream that has yet to happen.

    The Wright Brothers did not have government funding or a ton of cash, but they did not let that stop them. They financed themselves with a humble bicycle shop and became the first humans to accomplish flight. It all started with imagination, an inspiring dream, and well-planned goals.

    Whatever your dreams may be, I hope you set goals and have the initiative to pursue them. A lot of people are capable of doing great things. Some people dream of doing so. Not many people set the goals to do so.

    4. Make things happen.

    There is nothing wrong with living an ordinary life, but I see a lot of people with big dreams that never happen because they do not take the initiative to make things happen.

    True dreamers are those who make their own opportunities, pave their own paths, and follow through with sheer fervor. If you ever get stuck without knowing what to do, look for places to start. Life favors those who live actively. Bottom line, if you ever want to do something, go do it.

    5. Don’t stop at failure.

    Failure does not happen when you fall down. Failure happens when you refuse to get up. Life is full of obstacles both big and small, and everyone has experienced these difficulties before.

    Stephen Hawking was diagnosed with ALS and given only two years to live; yet he persevered to become one of the greatest theoretical physicists in history.

    Martin Luther King Jr. managed to love the very people who hated him.

    Helen Keller, despite her blindness and deafness, managed to change the world with her activism.

    Whatever hurdles you face, realize that you are greater than your obstacles.

    6. Time is more valuable than money.

    Money is not the key to happiness. It’s replaceable and unfulfilling. If you’re a materialist, you likely won’t feel grateful or happy because you’ll always want more.

    Unlike money, you can’t replace time when it’s gone. Once you spend it, time exists only as a memory. Use your time well. Do things that matter to you, things that are priceless. Create unforgettable memories. Time is your life; money is not.

    7. Be yourself. Have fun. Do what you love.

    I think I have a good formula for a happy life: make the most out of my college life and education, become an engineer, write a book, pay for a stranger’s groceries, continue aging my cheese, take my future family out for some gelato at Wisconsin Dells, and do something great for society.

    I won’t measure my life’s success by wealth and social status; rather, I’ll measure myself by happiness.

    I hope you approach life with a similar attitude. Explore your surroundings. Make some meaningful friends. Live your own life. Everyone is born with different traits, tastes, and skills. It is up to you to find out what makes you happy.

    —

    As meaningful as I take my brotherly advice to be, I’m just one person with a strong opinion. I can’t explain everything. No one can. It’s up to you to search for answers and define yourself.

    Your awesome brother,

    Kevin

    Happy child image via Shutterstock

  • 6 Exercises from Positive Psychology to Boost Your Happiness

    6 Exercises from Positive Psychology to Boost Your Happiness

    “The secret of happiness is to count your blessings while others are adding up their troubles.” ~William Penn

    A friend recently asked me, “What’s the worst habit you’ve overcome?”

    “Besides eating chocolate for breakfast?” I joked. “That would be complaining.”

    I used to be an incessant complainer. Whining was practically in my DNA. When I was growing up, my father blamed the weather for his tennis elbow, the traffic, and his subpar golf game, and he frequently formed judgments and assumptions about other people.

    If we drove by a neighbor’s nicely manicured lawn, he’d whisper that the house was bought “for a steal,” while waving to the owner. When his colleagues vacationed in Hawaii, he presumed that family money financed the trip.

    So it wasn’t surprising when I started criticizing my friends during disagreements, or when I hit below the belt when my best friend invited another friend to Disneyland.

    I admit, it felt good at first—powerful even. But soon after, I felt sad and guilty.

    My turning point came during the fourth grade when my teacher gently pulled me aside one day after recess. “You know, sometimes we think our situation is worse than it is. But life is pretty great when you start noticing what’s going right.”

    Though the lesson was indirect, Ms. Braun taught me the gift of gratitude. And gratitude is one reason I love positive psychology.

    Positive psychology encourages us to question which thoughts and actions we can change to become happier.

    This intentional focus inspires us to cultivate positive emotions, nurture relationships, and commit acts of kindness.

    The following exercises can help improve your emotional well-being, and someone else’s, too.

    Exercise #1: Three funny things

    Write down three funny things you experienced in a given day, and why those things happened. For example, was this something you were directly involved in, something you observed, or something spontaneous?

    When you can laugh at yourself and your circumstances, it means that you don’t take life too seriously. Best of all, laughing is contagious!

    Exercise #2: Journaling

    Journaling provides a snapshot of a moment in time. Not only does journaling create a healthy habit of self-reflection, it allows us to document positive changes to our thinking and our actions, and it helps us transition from a bad mood to a good one.

    For example, if you earned a promotion at work this week, you would recount:

    • How it happened (through hard work and spending fifteen minutes double-checking my numbers)
    • Why it happened (I took the initiative to apply for the promotion.)
    • What I did right (I talked to senior executives in the company about the best ways to improve job performance.)
    • How I helped this happen (I gave up watching my favorite TV shows and read trade publications and stock reports instead.)

    Next, record one activity that you didn’t like and how you can address it. For example:

    I snapped at my roommate when she came home late on Thursday and woke me up.

    Problem-solve the following:

    • How this is keeping me stuck (I couldn’t fall back asleep because I obsessed over how inconsiderate she is.)
    • What thoughts and actions I can take to get unstuck (I can be more flexible; after all, she’s a grown-up and doesn’t need a curfew. I can buy earplugs and wear them when she goes out during the week.)

    Exercise #3: Write your future diary

    Whether you’re trying to eat healthier, studying for an advanced degree, or starting your own business, the time between being an apprentice and reaching your goal can seem like an eternity. Envisioning your future can be a great motivating factor to get you over the slump.

    Close your eyes and picture your future. Focus on how life will be different and what changes will be in place. Reflect on how you’ll feel and on how others will respond to the new, improved you.

    Most importantly, think about how you’ll utilize the habits, skills, and talents you’re learning now to benefit others.

    Exercise #4: Count kindness gestures

    Keep a record of all the kind acts that you do in a particular day, and the acts of kindness you witness. These can be as simple as placing the morning newspaper at your neighbor’s doorstep, helping an elderly person cross the street, or smiling at strangers.

    Exercise #5: Gratitude visit

    Think of someone you should thank, someone who’s been helpful or kind to you (and not a family member, partner, or spouse).

    Write a letter to this person, including details about how they’ve helped you and the lasting impact this has had on you.

    Arrange to meet up with your friend and tell them you have something to read to them. After you finish reading the letter, present it as a gift.

    A lovely gesture, though entirely optional, is to put the letter in a frame, or to laminate it.

    Exercise #6: Cultivate a positive outlook

    Despite the bad things that happen daily, it’s important to remember that the world is basically a safe place.

    We all suffer pain and trauma. People who find the good in every situation possess the resilience to bounce back more quickly.

    When you intentionally choose positivity, you look inward for resources and you trust your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Life still brings pain and heartache, but you know there’s a way out.

    After dropping my son off for school last week, I found myself feeling sad and scared for no reason. What if something bad happens and I never see him again?

    I knew these thoughts were futile, yet it was hard to shake the doom as I watched his disappearing frame recede amongst the sea of middle school students.

    I then breathed deeply, closed my eyes, and reminded myself that my feelings are not facts, and I could get myself on the other side of anxiety with intentional action.

    I looked around and savored the trees, the fresh air, the morning sunlight, and the giggly teens eagerly running toward the crossing guard at the edge of the street.

    I focused on the simple beauty around me. And then it dawned on me: The difference between people who complain and those who do not is utter appreciation and gratitude for what you have, right here and right now.

  • 5 Beliefs About Happiness That Make Us Unhappy

    5 Beliefs About Happiness That Make Us Unhappy

    “There is only one cause of unhappiness: the false beliefs you have in your head, beliefs so widespread, so commonly held, that it never occurs to you to question them.” ~Anthony de Mello

    Do you believe in soul mates?

    I did. I also believed that the only way to be blissfully happy was to be with mine.

    At a New Year party, I finally found her. As we chatted and danced through the evening, we fell in love. It seemed perfect.

    Life, however, had other plans. Soon after, she moved to another city. I never saw her again but continued to be in love with her for the next four years.

    Why? Because I was consumed by the belief that she was my soul mate, and that fate would bring us back together someday.

    It’s strange, isn’t it? How each of us have our own beliefs about the “secret to happiness.” We live our lives in accordance with those beliefs, rarely questioning them.

    Over those four years, my belief that I could never be happy with anyone else held me back from finding love and happiness elsewhere.

    But I was so wrong. I did meet someone else later and have been gleefully together with her for ten years now!

    We define our reality by what we believe.

    Our beliefs make us who we are and determine the choices we make. Very often, those beliefs, far from leading us into happiness, bring us truckloads of pain and trouble.

    The good news? We can be far happier and contented simply by altering our beliefs and looking at the world differently.

    Here are five beliefs about happiness that actually make us unhappy:

    Belief 1: I need other people’s approval to be happy.

    Do you often do things only to please other people?

    Human beings are driven by “social proof.” Approval is extremely important to us.

    We wait to buy the latest gadgets to look cool. We attend boring office parties to fit in. We don’t pursue our dreams because our families don’t approve.

    But just ask yourself: Are these actions (or inactions) bringing you any real happiness?

    The pursuit of approval is very different from the pursuit of happiness. Let’s not fail to distinguish between the two.

    Belief 2: I will be happy when I have…

    …a bigger house, a promotion, a baby, awards, respect, those designer shoes!

    Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar calls this the “arrival fallacy” in his book Happier. It’s the belief that when you arrive at a certain destination (or attain a specific goal), you will be happy.

    The reason why this belief is so strong is because it’s partly true. Yes, you will feel happy when you get promoted or buy a house.

    The question is: Is this happiness lasting?

    While you will escape your landlord’s ranting, you will have to pay new taxes and spend good money maintaining your new house.

    Each level of accomplishment will bring its own set of problems.

    Does this mean you stop working toward your goals? No! Goals are important, and one needs to be ambitious.

    However, think about this: You can be happy now and also when you get the promotion.

    Do you really need to postpose your happiness?

    Belief 3: I can’t be happy unless everything goes right.

    Have you ever lost your luggage on a vacation? It upsets everything, doesn’t it?

    Instead of enjoying the charms of a wonderful new city (or countryside), you’re running around buying clothes and other stuff, wondering if the airline will ever return your luggage.

    That’s what happened on a vacation with my family.

    Strangely, now when we think about that vacation, the trouble we faced because of the lost luggage doesn’t bother us. We just talk about the wonderful time we had.

    The vacation didn’t have to be perfect. The only thing that really mattered to us was that we had an opportunity to have a great time together.

    Think about it: are vacations, parties, dates, or any other special occasions ever perfect? If something goes wrong does that mean the entire trip or evening is a failure?

    Yes, it is a failure, but only if you believe so.

    Let’s extend the discussion further: Is anything in life ever perfect? We have ups and downs every day.

    Life is imperfect—perhaps that’s what make it more interesting!

    Belief 4: I can’t be happy because of what’s happened in the past.

    The past controls us in mysterious ways.

    You might have lost a loved one to misunderstanding or death. You might have failed to achieve your dreams. As a result, you may have developed one of these beliefs: “I am not meant to find happiness” or “It’s not my destiny to be happy.”

    Personally, I haven’t lost much in life, but I know someone who has. I used to wonder how she could enjoy life despite such tragedies, until she revealed her simple secret…

    She believes that she has the right to be happy, despite her past misfortunes.

    Your past doesn’t control your future unless you let it. Millions have turned their lives around. If they can be happy, why can’t you?

    Belief 5: Happiness is not a habit that can be learned.

    Can you actually learn to be happy? Like learning baseball or the guitar?

    Yes. Happiness is a skill—one that you build through a number of daily choices.

    Numerous studies have indicated that people who are happier have certain habits: they exercise, meditate, pay attention to their relationships, pursue their goals diligently, lead balanced lives, are grateful.

    Research shows that by thwarting negative emotions, such as pessimism, resentment, and anger, and fostering positive emotions, such as empathy, serenity, and gratitude, the brain can be trained to become happier.

    Happiness does not depend on fate; it depends on our habits—habits that anyone can learn.

    ____

    Our beliefs can bring us happiness or sorrow.

    Question your beliefs about yourself, your life, and happiness from time to time. See if they still serve a positive purpose. If not, change them.

    What beliefs do you think you need to change to be happier?

  • 9 Mostly Free Ways to Spark Creativity and Fun

    9 Mostly Free Ways to Spark Creativity and Fun

    “People want to be creatively satisfied, and having fun is such an important part of that.” ~John Lasseter

    I stopped having fun when my mother was diagnosed with dementia.

    I didn’t have time for fun because I had to spend every spare moment thinking about Mom, wondering how I could help her, talking to my dad, wondering how I could help him, and worrying about the future, including fretting over whether I, too, was losing my mind.

    Then one day, I asked my mother what it was like, living in such confusion.

    “I can’t worry over it too much,” she told me. “When I lose a thought or a word, I try to laugh and let it go.”

    I realized that’s what I needed to do: acknowledge that Mom had dementia, appreciate her, and then laugh and let go.

    To help myself with the surrender and laughter aspects, I made a list of quick ways to inspire my own sense of creativity and playfulness. I’m still using this list.

     1. Give yourself a picture.

    Create a visual image for your week. This is a great thing to do on Sunday night or Monday morning. Think of how you want the week to feel and look and how you want to be.

    Do you want to live the week with the abandon of a boy stepping off the high dive? Do you want to roller skate through the week, listening to great music? Do you want to drive around with a “Get out of Jail” free card so you can have a little extra wildness and still not be in trouble?

    Draw a picture or cut out a photo from a magazine. Working with an image helps you create your ideal week.

     2. Get literal with down time.

    Each time you come into your home, make a point of putting something down, such as a purse, a sack of groceries, or a briefcase. Say to yourself, “When I put down this sack of groceries, I put down all the things that keep me from enjoying being here in my home.”

    Saying this simple line helps you release grouchiness (well, you did have a very hard day), tiredness, or other stuff that’s bugging you.

    3. Give someone a delightful surprise.

    Think of someone you know who could use a little boost. Maybe it’s your child, your spouse, your mom, or a co-worker. Think of an easy and unexpected way you can cheer them on.

    Maybe your child needs a dollar under his pillow, regardless of the status of his teeth. Maybe your spouse needs a love note tucked into her briefcase. Maybe a co-worker needs a bagel waiting on his desk.

     4. Make instant art.

    Create a three-minute collage. Think of something you’d like to do or someplace you’d like to visit. Then get an old catalog or magazine, tear out appropriate pictures or words, and tape them on paper to make a mini collage.

    Stick this collage someplace where you will see it often. Or put it in a self-addressed stamped envelope and ask a friend to mail it to you within the next two months. Mini-collages also make lovely birthday cards for friends.

     5. Leave loose change for others to find.

    Walk down the street and every block or two, drop a dime, a nickel, or a quarter on the sidewalk. Imagine how people will smile and feel lucky when they discover these small treasures.

     6. Trigger your reality.

    Think of what you want more of in your life, such as a sense of surrender, more time for creative exploration, or more serenity. Then create visual cues that remind you of your quest.

    A small white flag in tucked into the corner of your desk signals you don’t have to fight so often. For a creative jolt, make a cardboard letter B, attach it on a spring to your wall, reminding you to “B off the wall.” A piece from an old puzzle taped to a map of your state reminds you to live in a “state” of peace.

    7. Swing your feet.

    Sit somewhere high, stare into space, and swing your feet. You’ll get a delightful sense of freedom and irresponsibility. It’s a relief, not always having your feet on the ground.

    8. Bat a balloon.

    Blow up a brightly colored balloon and bat it around. This is a great way to lighten up the energy. Do this alone in your office for a few minutes during that late afternoon draggy period. Or invite in a simpatico co-worker and see how long you can keep the balloon up in the air.

    9. Coax out your creativity.

    Make a list of ten fun and creative things you really want to do. Plan to do at least one of them.

    Writing this article was on my “fun and creative” list. What’s on yours?

  • 10 Things Everyone Should Learn as a Kid

    10 Things Everyone Should Learn as a Kid

    Smiling Kid

    “There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots, the other wings.” ~Johann Wolfang von Goethe

    In 2010 two major life events marked my life forever: my father lost his battle with melanoma and I become a mother.

    Both events came unexpectedly. My father was only fifty-six years old and had never been sick for one day of his entire life. Also, I had other plans at the time, focusing heavily on my career, so I did not want to have a baby just yet.

    But life is what actually happens to us while we are making all those plans. I remember being six months pregnant at my dad’s funeral, and my baby did not move at all throughout the entire day. It’s like she wanted to stay quiet so that she would allow me to focus on my grief.

    In 2010 I lost someone I loved and then I gained someone else. Here I am now, four years later, enjoying my life as a mother, simply adoring my daughter and being very clear about all the things I want her to know. And still, so desperately, missing my father.

    This is my list. I could add another 100 things, of course, but I learned to keep things simple. And really meaningful. So here it is:

    1. Cherish every moment you spend with your loved ones, and don’t take them for granted.

    To say “I’m sorry” or “I love you” to a picture on a grave is the most painful experience ever. Be careful to not get there.

    2. Sometimes, your only available transportation will be a giant leap of faith.

    Take a deep breath and take that leap.

    3. Other times you’ll be afraid of failure.

    It’s okay, we all are. Just go for it. You’ll either succeed or you won’t. Either way, you’ll not live with the regret of never trying.

    4. Do more of those things you enjoy doing.

    Explore as many activities as you can. Finding your passion is not a myth, but it is surely not as easy as it sounds, so be open and curious. Experiment. Learn.

    5. Embrace challenges.

    And don’t be afraid of change. Look for opportunities all around you.

    6. Happiness is a right you give yourself.

    Be happy with who you are. Accept yourself, have patience with yourself, and love yourself unconditionally.

    7. What you see in the movies about love is not all the truth.

    Love is not only about passion and romance. It is also about doing the dishes together after a Christmas family dinner and then falling asleep exhausted in each other’s arms.

    8. Nobody is perfect.

    So don’t look for the perfect person. Just look for the flawed one who still makes your heart sing.

    9. Be present.

    Go only to those events or meetings  you actually want to attend. Saying no will not hurt other as much as you’d think. They will get over it. What you can’t do is recover a lost moment of time.

    10. Don’t settle.

    If you are not satisfied with one result, take action, go deeper, or try a new approach. Don’t do anything only because “you have to” or because others expect that of you.

    You can’t avoid pain; it comes with life. The only thing you can control is how you react to it. This is one of the most important life lessons I learned back in 2010. I will never forget my father. And I will continue to teach the lessons above to my daughter for as long as I live.

    Smiling boy image via Shutterstock