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Will anyone ever love me as I am?

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  • June 23, 2019 at 8:13 am #300405
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Neen:

    Regarding a man desiring other women while in a relationship with one woman, finding other women more attractive, more sexually desirable than his own partner or wife- I imagine in 9,999 out of every 10,000 relationships, if those last long enough, this will be the case because every woman ages over time and there is an influx of young women showing up throughout a man’s life, be it at his work place, in a coffee shop, on the streets and online. No aging woman can compete with a young woman who is in shape and who didn’t even start aging (the aging starts at about 25, I think).

    The man definitely shouldn’t tell his partner about those desires, other women being more attractive, that is hurtful and cruel. But to desire others, to think of other women as more desirable, that is his business (what he thinks and feels). After all, you might look at another man, now or later (when he ages, if you stay with him long enough) and think and feel an attraction to another man. That will be your business and there is nothing wrong with it as long as you don’t share it with your partner.

    Regarding the rest of your post, if he no longer acts in cruel ways toward you, as he had in the past, if he corrected his ways and never repeats, then forgiving him may be wise. Consider attending couple therapy with him, maybe with the same therapist he is now seeing individually, for a few sessions (while he continues individual therapy with the same therapist) so to voice your concerns, to see to it that your boyfriend’s cruel and dishonest behaviors do not repeat and so that the therapist will facilitate effective communication between you and your boyfriend.

    anita

    June 23, 2019 at 9:49 am #300419
    Valora
    Participant

    I do ask myself if  there could be some other reality for me. Is there a relationship that I can feel secure and wanted in? Could I ever feel pretty enough for someone (small boobs and all)? Is there someone out there who would love to take me on dates?

    I feel like, based on what you’ve said overall, this guy probably isn’t your match. You two might be able to make a relationship work with some effort, but I do think it’s likely there are other guys who would be attracted to you EXACTLY how you are, your body type, your personality, etc., and who would let you know daily how beautiful they think you are and you would not feel insecure with them (but make sure you believe these guys when they tell you what they see in you. Sometimes it’s hard to do that when you feel insecure). From what you’ve said, this guy doesn’t have a sort of natural attraction to you but I am 100% sure there are guys out there who will. That’s the type of guy you should be with. Someone you naturally connect with, and you will know it when you meet one because things will flow effortlessly and he will be very clearly interested without so much confusion.

    As for this guy, it could be that you are a placeholder until he meets someone else, which would be why he came back every time you two broke up. He didn’t want to be alone. Please keep in mind this doesn’t mean anything negative about you, it’s more a reflection of himself.  I could also be wrong and he may have genuinely had issues that prevented him from fully connecting with you, and in that case, you’ll have to work on trusting him. If you want to stay with him and see how it goes, I’d see if you could attend a therapy session with him and his counselor. Counselors are usually very open to having people come into sessions as long as the patient is okay with that, too.

    June 24, 2019 at 12:30 pm #300553
    Peggy
    Participant

    Hi Janine,

    My initial thoughts are why on earth are you with this man and why have you tolerated his ugly, demeaning behaviour for so long.  I think you should turn things around in your head and instead of asking yourself if you are the woman he wants, ask yourself if this is the man that you want.  Seriously.  I agree entirely with the comments made by Valora.

    Please do not stay in this relationship because you think no-one else will want you.  They will!  Buy a couple of good books and work on your own self esteem/self worth.  Believe in yourself and eventually you will find the secure, loving relationship that you so desire.

    Peggy

    June 24, 2019 at 4:30 pm #300567
    Mark
    Participant

    Janine,

    Good communication is essential in any romantic relationship which means you two need to share your feelings with each other. Marshall Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communication process is an excellent way to do that for there is no blaming so it is a safe way of being vulnerable.

    I also like the 3 rule approach to communication: Is it true? Is it useful? It is it kind?

    You mentioned how being in the moment is when it is nice. That is a great practice. Continue doing that. Plus focus on what is good about the relationship, about you as a desirable partner and about you as someone who is good regardless of who are you with, i.e. love yourself.

    Mark

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