Dear Lily:

I read through your earlier thread, Feb-June 2018. “Something is just very wrong with me” is your most recent sentence on this new thread.

Yes, something is very wrong: you are experiencing life with an emotional injury that is still bleeding, figuratively. You often feel hurt, angry or numb and confused. In any interaction, you don’t know if there was abuse, and if there was, who is the abuser and who is the abused.

When your father slapped your face and insulted you, when you were a child, he was the abuser, the guilty one  and you were the abused, the innocent one. If you believe this one truth that I stated, then much of that figurative bleeding would stop and you will be able to know presently, in any particular interaction, if there was abuse, and if there was, who was the abuser and who was the abused.

For as long as you believe that your father hit you and insulted you because you were bad, because you deserved it, then you will continue to be confused in the present time.

Back in February I suggested to you that if your father apologized to you, clearly stated he was wrong, that he understood your hurt and anger, and then corrected his ways, healing could have taken place then. But he didn’t. Instead he acted like nothing happened. A core belief was formed in you that you were a bad person, or that there is indeed something very wrong with you.

Living with this core belief means that every time you do make a mistake, or every time something doesn’t turn out well, you assume it is because there is something very wrong with you.

And yes, there is something wrong with you, but it is not something you were born with. There was nothing wrong with you as a child. You have to go back to childhood to believe it.

It is true that abused children often turn into abusive adults. at least at times, in some contexts. Part of the healing process is to behave in ways you are okay with, making sure you are not abusive, that you do-no-harm. And to make sure that you don’t stay in situations where harm is done to us, that you do not submit to abuse.

anita

Dear Lily:

You are welcome.

Regarding “.. hit me because I was bad?” do you believe that you were a good child then and that you are now a good person, deserving a good life?

(You wrote in your recent post: “Now I feel like I have disappointed them (your parents)”- isn’t it a thing a bad daughter/child/person does, to disappoint her parents?)

Regarding the man you met last week, this is what I understand happened: he was respectful to you, didn’t force himself on you like that man long ago, in the dormitories. He “never did anything without me agreeing to it”. You liked him a lot but felt nervous and uncomfortable. He noticed you felt uncomfortable and asked you if you were feeling ashamed around him. You didn’t answer him with a yes or a no but instead “tried to explain that I have these issues and that I’m seeking therapy”, and so you let him lead, “went along with his rhythm”. His leadership and his rhythm led you to sex. A few days later your oral herpes was activated and you told him about it. Then had sex with him again without kissing. Later he told you that he was sick, then that he was feeling better. You asked him if you infected him (the herpes) and he answered that he is fine and that you “don’t have to worry”.

My answer to your question: “What if you are the toxic person?” is that you were not a toxic person with this man. Regarding your oral herpes, the first time you slept with him it wasn’t active at all, so no risk of infecting him. The second time, the herpes was active but you told him about it and no kissing was involved, so no risk of infecting and no responsibility on your part for (not) infecting him.

There is nothing else that you mentioned that would lead me to think that you were abusive, or toxic to him in any way.

When he asked you if you felt ashamed being with him, I wish you told him that you did feel uncomfortable, that you told him just how you felt, instead of telling him you are in therapy. I wish you didn’t let him lead you, as kind of a leader as he may have been, it is a bad idea to allow a man you just met to lead you to his bed while you are uncomfortable and worried.

Do you think that he will call you today as he said he would?

anita

Dear Lily:

There is nothing stupid about needing people, about liking a man and wanting to spend time with him. There is nothing stupid about “wanting to change something”, and “give it a shot”. If only you are okay with making mistakes, if you understand that everyone makes mistakes, then you an learn from them and become wiser.

No one is born wise. Intelligent, yes, but not wise. Wisdom comes from learning from mistakes, learning how to live so that we can have as good a life as is possible for us.

There is no magic. There is learning. Are you willing to learn?

With this man, it is okay that you told him you attend therapy, but not instead of telling him you were uncomfortable. It was unwise to proceed when uncomfortable. If he is a decent person, maybe he would have helped you to do what you needed to do: to not proceed at that time, to wait. Maybe later, if he and you chose, you could have met again and talked more. Maybe over time you would have felt comfortable enough.

You did communicate to him, according to my understanding, that you are not worthy of him. Maybe he believes you. He probably doesn’t feel that confident about himself, unlike what you think, he probably doesn’t feel that he has his life together. He probably lacks self confidence himself. If you meet him again, or someone else, remember that: it only seems like he (whomever he is) has it all together, but it is not likely. In a relationship try to aim at helping each other instead of imagining he is all  powerful and capable of helping the helpless, needy you.

We really are in this life together, we do need each other. You are not the only needy one.

anita